1 00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,440 Don't you just love the holidays? 2 00:00:06,473 --> 00:00:07,941 The only holiday I respect is Mother's Day, 3 00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:09,376 'cause I feel directly responsible 4 00:00:09,409 --> 00:00:11,545 - for my mother's pain. - You do have a huge head. 5 00:00:11,578 --> 00:00:14,281 I'll bet your birthday causes your mom PTSD. 6 00:00:14,314 --> 00:00:16,316 Maybe I'll just get Kate and John gift cards. 7 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,751 You're asking for a promotion. 8 00:00:17,784 --> 00:00:19,419 You gotta get 'em something better than a gift card. 9 00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:21,088 No way. Gift cards are the perfect way 10 00:00:21,121 --> 00:00:22,322 to show someone you don't care about 11 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,924 that you really care about them. 12 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,359 Wait, you're getting reimbursed 13 00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:26,760 for the decorations for the office party, right? 14 00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:27,895 No, but it's fine. 15 00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:30,964 Okay, that'll be $837.98. 16 00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:32,900 Jesus! Fucking. Fuck you. 17 00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,468 What! Whoa! 18 00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:36,303 Okay. 19 00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:38,505 Sir, if you're not gonna buy that, please put it down. 20 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,375 Wow, just some more casual anti-Semitism thrown in my face. 21 00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:43,010 I don't like him, either. 22 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,379 Holiday gift giving is bullshit forced generosity. 23 00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:46,613 If I get gifts for people, 24 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:47,948 I'm just doing what I'm supposed to. 25 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,583 If I don't get gifts for people, I'm an asshole 26 00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,552 for not participating in a made-up corporate holiday. 27 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,086 It's a trap, and I'm a victim. 28 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,655 No, holidays are good. 29 00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:56,390 They're your one chance to make up for being 30 00:00:56,423 --> 00:00:58,625 a huge disappointment the rest of the year. 31 00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:00,561 Make this a September to remember 32 00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:02,362 by getting twin touch screen Obelisks 33 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,064 for the price of one. 34 00:01:04,097 --> 00:01:05,454 The Obelisk 5.0. 35 00:01:05,546 --> 00:01:07,665 On sale this Remember Day. 36 00:01:09,136 --> 00:01:10,904 I don't know. Something about Remember Day 37 00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:12,906 just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. 38 00:01:25,301 --> 00:01:32,195 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 39 00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:36,597 Yesterday will always be remembered 40 00:01:36,622 --> 00:01:40,031 - as a somber day in American history. - _ 41 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:45,172 Now more than ever, Americans need to shop 42 00:01:45,205 --> 00:01:48,108 at Hampton Deville affiliated stores. 43 00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:50,511 We have a moral duty as a company 44 00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:52,379 to monetize this tragedy, 45 00:01:52,412 --> 00:01:54,381 because if we don't, 46 00:01:54,414 --> 00:01:57,284 the terrorists win. 47 00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:01,321 Excuse me, Christian? 48 00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:03,023 We have an idea. 49 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:09,096 Why do people celebrate Christmas? 50 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,664 Trauma. 51 00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:13,100 Americans fight through hell all year, 52 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,869 and to reward themselves at the end of it, 53 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,237 they buy gifts. 54 00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:19,173 Hallmark invented Valentine's Day; 55 00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:21,175 Walmart invented the Fourth of July; 56 00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:22,976 and Harbor Day, as we all know, 57 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,312 - was invented by Carl's Jr. - Carl's Jr. 58 00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:28,248 So we think it's time for Hampton DeVille 59 00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:30,784 to create its own holiday. 60 00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:35,656 What are your names? 61 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:38,258 - Kate. - Shawn. 62 00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:41,395 Kate and John... 63 00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:42,629 Oh... 64 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,631 That's... 65 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,633 an excellent idea. 66 00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:51,038 2000 years ago, Jesus Christ was crucified, 67 00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:53,207 and now every Easter, people buy 68 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,576 millions of dollars worth of chocolate bunnies. 69 00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:57,778 Starting today, we are going to plant the seeds 70 00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:59,079 for a new holiday. 71 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:01,148 We just have to wait until the time is right. 72 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,883 This can't feel opportunistic. 73 00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:04,718 It has to come straight from the heart. 74 00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:06,553 I'm thinking... 75 00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:11,258 20 years seems appropriate. 76 00:03:11,282 --> 00:03:13,259 _ 77 00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:16,535 It's Remember Day! 78 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:21,401 In studio with us today, we have Hampton DeVille CEO, 79 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:22,736 Christian DeVille. 80 00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:24,738 - Hey, Christian. - It's great to be here. 81 00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:26,206 You know, I'm a big fan of the show. 82 00:03:26,593 --> 00:03:27,307 - Ooh! - Cheers. 83 00:03:27,742 --> 00:03:28,976 - Ch-ching, ch-ching. - Yay. 84 00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:32,012 Fun fact: Hampton DeVille actually coined the phrase, 85 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,516 "Remember Day," so I guess that kinda makes you 86 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,051 the Santa Clause of this holiday. 87 00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:39,987 - I like that. - So Hampton DeVille 88 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:43,156 cares about all Americans, and wants to give back. 89 00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:44,858 That's why you'll find great deals 90 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,894 on all Hampton DeVille products today. 91 00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,195 And with every purchase, 92 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,464 you'll receive a red Remember Day string, 93 00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:52,299 and we suggest you tie it around your finger 94 00:03:52,332 --> 00:03:55,068 to help you to remember. 95 00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:57,938 If I have any more white wine, I won't remember anything. 96 00:03:57,971 --> 00:03:59,806 I might black out. 97 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,009 Okay, let's go a pinch more to the right. 98 00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,510 No, to the right. 99 00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:05,512 - And... - Whoops. 100 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:07,981 - Grace... - Matt, chill out. 101 00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,216 This is an office holiday party 102 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,884 for a bunch of bosses and employees 103 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,986 who make fun of you in email threads behind your back. 104 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,721 My coworkers are my family. 105 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,790 I know that, because they constantly mistreat me, 106 00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,358 and I desperately need their approval. 107 00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,194 Hey, so what's the deal with the elephant? 108 00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,929 It's the Remember Day Memory Elephant. 109 00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,297 It helps you never forget. 110 00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:25,332 But wait, it's supposed to be red, white, and blue. 111 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:27,601 Uh, the store only had grey elephants, 112 00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:29,469 because that's the color that elephants are. 113 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,538 Okay, well, I don't have time for your excuses. 114 00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:32,940 The party starts in two hours, 115 00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:34,641 so I need you to go get some art supplies 116 00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,210 and paint that elephant American. 117 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,812 Jeez, why is this so important to you? 118 00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:41,481 Why is this so important to you? 119 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:44,651 Because, Roger, you forgot to buy the Christmas ham. 120 00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:45,986 That was our Christmas dinner. 121 00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:48,121 Without it, we don't have Christmas, so good job! 122 00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:50,224 Oh, don't go blaming this on me. 123 00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:51,425 Would you keep your voice down? 124 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,960 I don't want Matt to hear you. 125 00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,328 I want him to hear us. 126 00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:55,929 Ever since he's moved back in here, 127 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,598 our marriage has been falling apart! 128 00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:00,100 Well, you know what I want for Christmas? A divorce! 129 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,636 Well, ho, ho, ho, and call me Santa Clause, 130 00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:04,238 because I'm giving you your wish. 131 00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:06,073 Matt? 132 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:08,008 What were you just thinking about? 133 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,377 Nothing. All I know is that 134 00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:12,412 holidays hold the potential to ruin lives, 135 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,214 and I won't let that happen today. 136 00:05:14,248 --> 00:05:18,385 Okay, whatever, I'll go paint the elephant. 137 00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:20,087 Thank you, Paige. 138 00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:24,858 Grace, higher. 139 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:26,827 Matt, I'm short, you tall monster. 140 00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:28,228 Okay, I'll do it then. 141 00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:29,796 Coming up after the break, 142 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:32,733 we've got a celebrity chef, Theresa Marticinni. 143 00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:35,802 She's gonna be making us traditional Remember Day goose. 144 00:05:37,604 --> 00:05:38,572 - Thank you, Christian! - Toodles. 145 00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:39,873 My pleasure. 146 00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:44,745 Let me just get this mic off of you real quick. 147 00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:46,413 And while I got you here, 148 00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:50,551 I just want you know, I think you're a sick piece of shit. 149 00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,119 Excuse me? 150 00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:53,620 Do you know who you're speaking to? 151 00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:55,789 Yeah, a sick piece of shit, who's totally comfortable 152 00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:57,691 exploiting emotionally vulnerable people 153 00:05:57,724 --> 00:05:59,092 to get a quick buck. 154 00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:02,596 Fuck you, Santa Clause. 155 00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:05,165 How do you live with yourself? 156 00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:18,445 Kate... 157 00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:20,714 - Hey, Kate. - I'm right here. 158 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,785 Did you get your Remember Day bonus yet? 159 00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:27,688 No. Did you? 160 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:28,989 You don't think he's forgotten 161 00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,824 that this holiday was our idea, do you? 162 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:33,360 On Remember Day? 163 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,828 Okay, Jake, you're gonna go in there, 164 00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:37,264 and be confident and direct, and exude raw sexual energy, 165 00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:39,566 which nobody can deny. Let's go. 166 00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:43,670 Oh, my God, perfect. You're both here. 167 00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:47,441 First of all, Happy Remember Day. 168 00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:50,544 - Aww, thank you, Jake. - Aww. 169 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:51,912 I'll get straight to the point. 170 00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:54,081 Listen, I've been a Junior Executive in Training 171 00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:55,382 for about five years now, 172 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,351 and it's technically a one-year program, 173 00:06:57,384 --> 00:06:59,453 so wow. 174 00:06:59,486 --> 00:07:00,954 Anyway, I am all trained up, 175 00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:02,789 and I'm ready to be a Junior Executive. 176 00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,258 As my mentors, 177 00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:07,027 promoting me would be a huge win for both of you. 178 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,363 I'm your Shamu, you're my SeaWorld, 179 00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:11,198 and let's just pretend Blackfish never happened. 180 00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,933 Who cares about whales? I don't. 181 00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,468 First of all, Jake, 182 00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:17,037 we're surprised it took you this long to ask. 183 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:20,974 Unfortunately, the answer is no. 184 00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:22,276 Jake, here are the reasons 185 00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:23,744 you will not be getting this promotion. 186 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,279 You come into work with cat hair on your suit. 187 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:26,680 So much cat hair that I'm sometimes like, 188 00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:28,048 - "What's going on here?" - What's going on? 189 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,149 What's happening? 190 00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:31,785 Unfortunately, the answer is no. 191 00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:33,787 We're not gonna sign you to our record label. 192 00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:35,856 And can I give you some advice? 193 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,958 No. I'm here to rock. 194 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,693 The music industry has gone corporate. 195 00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:41,828 Fuck corporate America. 196 00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:43,964 Two, three, four. 197 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:46,867 ? America is a corporation ? 198 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:49,937 ? And I hate my supportive parents ? 199 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,840 ? North Korea is better than America ? 200 00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:55,843 ? And I can't pay my student loans ? 201 00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:58,679 And Baron showed us a video of your rap rock band, 202 00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,347 - so there's that. - Yikes. 203 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:02,649 Quite frankly, you're lucky to even have a job. 204 00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:04,952 - ? Gift card ? - Wow. 205 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,053 How much is on it? 206 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,240 All right, just wanna double-check we have everything. 207 00:08:09,295 --> 00:08:10,873 We've got Remember Nog; 208 00:08:10,928 --> 00:08:13,030 Paige painted the elephant; 209 00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:16,360 - and you got the Remember... - Grace, I got it, okay? 210 00:08:16,393 --> 00:08:18,996 - I'm not gonna screw this up. - I'm gonna screw you up! 211 00:08:19,029 --> 00:08:20,631 I hate this bullshit holiday... 212 00:08:24,168 --> 00:08:25,803 Be careful up there. 213 00:08:29,306 --> 00:08:31,976 Hi, Dad... I mean, Mr. DeVille. 214 00:08:32,009 --> 00:08:35,446 - Happy Remember Day. - Thank you. 215 00:08:35,479 --> 00:08:37,615 Can I ask you a question, uh... 216 00:08:37,648 --> 00:08:39,783 - Matt. - Pat... 217 00:08:39,817 --> 00:08:42,519 what do you think about this holiday? 218 00:08:42,553 --> 00:08:43,921 I love it. 219 00:08:43,954 --> 00:08:45,789 Christmas kinda got ruined for me, 220 00:08:45,823 --> 00:08:48,125 so this holiday means a lot to me. 221 00:08:48,158 --> 00:08:51,358 I mean, I went into a $1,000 credit card debt, 222 00:08:51,405 --> 00:08:53,063 buying all the decorations for this party, 223 00:08:53,097 --> 00:08:55,399 but that's what it's all about, right? 224 00:08:55,432 --> 00:08:57,434 Honestly, Pat, 225 00:08:57,468 --> 00:08:59,937 I don't know what it's all about anymore. 226 00:08:59,970 --> 00:09:02,406 This morning, someone made me think about this holiday 227 00:09:02,439 --> 00:09:04,942 a little differently, and now... 228 00:09:04,975 --> 00:09:08,245 Quite frankly... 229 00:09:08,279 --> 00:09:10,648 I'm spinning out of control... 230 00:09:10,681 --> 00:09:12,316 emotionally. 231 00:09:12,349 --> 00:09:14,852 Oh, well, 232 00:09:14,885 --> 00:09:16,420 you should come to the party later. 233 00:09:16,453 --> 00:09:19,523 I planned the whole thing. We're gonna have Remember Nog. 234 00:09:19,557 --> 00:09:21,659 Maybe I'll stop by. 235 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:24,762 Oh, and we're cooking 236 00:09:24,795 --> 00:09:26,864 a traditional Remember Day goose, so... 237 00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:31,235 Goose... 238 00:09:36,941 --> 00:09:40,311 Oh, holy Christ in heaven, I forgot the goose. 239 00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,455 _ 240 00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,884 So I asked for that promotion, and guess what? 241 00:09:46,917 --> 00:09:48,385 Jake, I don't have time for you right now, okay? 242 00:09:48,419 --> 00:09:50,554 I have to redeem my father... I mean, Christian. 243 00:09:50,588 --> 00:09:52,990 Listen, stop questioning me right now, okay? 244 00:09:53,023 --> 00:09:55,526 All I know is I need to get a goose. 245 00:09:58,385 --> 00:10:00,091 _ 246 00:10:02,266 --> 00:10:05,736 This Remember Day, show her you really care 247 00:10:05,769 --> 00:10:08,138 by giving her the gift she'll always remember 248 00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:09,673 and never forget, 249 00:10:09,707 --> 00:10:12,343 because she won't be able to stop remembering. 250 00:10:12,376 --> 00:10:15,079 Here you go. Next! 251 00:10:15,112 --> 00:10:16,647 Listen, I know it's last minute, 252 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,048 but I need a goose. 253 00:10:18,082 --> 00:10:20,317 You gotta be a real fucking idiot 254 00:10:20,351 --> 00:10:22,920 not to order a goose before Remember Day. 255 00:10:22,953 --> 00:10:25,923 What are you? A grade-A bozo? 256 00:10:25,956 --> 00:10:28,158 You got spaghetti and meatballs for brains? 257 00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:30,494 Did you get dropped as a child? 258 00:10:30,527 --> 00:10:32,229 Or did God just think it would be funny 259 00:10:32,263 --> 00:10:36,333 to put mashed fucking potatoes in your skull? 260 00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:38,502 - What's happening right now? - Doesn't matter. 261 00:10:38,535 --> 00:10:41,338 That old lady got the last goose. 262 00:10:41,372 --> 00:10:43,240 You fucking idiot! 263 00:10:43,274 --> 00:10:46,310 - Get a life, you fucking moron! - Excuse me... 264 00:10:46,343 --> 00:10:48,245 Excuse me, miss, I'm sorry to bother you, 265 00:10:48,279 --> 00:10:51,315 and this is gonna sound crazy, but I need that goose. 266 00:10:51,348 --> 00:10:52,816 I've got a Taser. 267 00:10:52,850 --> 00:10:55,619 Okay, uh, well, uh, listen, I'll... I'll buy it off you. 268 00:10:55,653 --> 00:10:57,154 I'll... I'll give you $200. 269 00:10:57,187 --> 00:10:58,722 Fuck you. Go to rehab. 270 00:10:58,756 --> 00:11:00,791 Okay, hey... hey, excuse me. Listen to me. 271 00:11:00,824 --> 00:11:01,859 Listen to me, I'm sorry, 272 00:11:01,892 --> 00:11:04,295 but this is really important to me. 273 00:11:04,328 --> 00:11:05,963 It's Remember Day, 274 00:11:05,996 --> 00:11:08,165 and as Americans, we need to learn to come together more... 275 00:11:08,198 --> 00:11:10,200 - Hey! Hey! Hey! - And just really... hey! 276 00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:12,236 Hold on! Ow! 277 00:11:12,269 --> 00:11:14,471 God, you didn't have to do... 278 00:11:18,175 --> 00:11:20,644 I'll never forget where I was when I found out. 279 00:11:20,678 --> 00:11:24,214 I was eating a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant in my car. 280 00:11:24,248 --> 00:11:26,150 I was so upset, I couldn't even finish it. 281 00:11:26,183 --> 00:11:28,052 Hm. 282 00:11:28,085 --> 00:11:29,453 I lied. 283 00:11:29,486 --> 00:11:31,255 I totally finished it. 284 00:11:31,288 --> 00:11:33,157 But I felt bad. 285 00:11:33,190 --> 00:11:35,426 I think the mayo was expired. 286 00:11:35,459 --> 00:11:37,861 I was actually, like, 287 00:11:37,895 --> 00:11:40,631 dead in the middle of losing my virginity 288 00:11:40,664 --> 00:11:42,032 when it all happened. 289 00:11:42,066 --> 00:11:43,434 Yeah, the news came on the TV, 290 00:11:43,467 --> 00:11:45,202 and, well, long story short, 291 00:11:45,236 --> 00:11:50,040 uh, I've had a lot of sexual problems ever since... 292 00:11:50,074 --> 00:11:52,409 - Hm. - So... 293 00:11:52,443 --> 00:11:54,044 What about you, Paige? 294 00:11:54,078 --> 00:11:57,047 Oh, I actually can't remember where I was that day. 295 00:11:57,081 --> 00:12:00,150 - How's that possible? - I was six years old. 296 00:12:00,184 --> 00:12:02,494 - Fuck you. - Hm. 297 00:12:04,488 --> 00:12:05,789 Hey, Jake, what's wrong? 298 00:12:05,823 --> 00:12:08,325 Besides everything that's happening around us. 299 00:12:08,359 --> 00:12:10,427 Oh, I don't know, let's see. 300 00:12:10,461 --> 00:12:13,130 I've worked here for five years, can't get a promotion. 301 00:12:13,163 --> 00:12:15,366 Nobody here cares about me, 302 00:12:15,399 --> 00:12:17,434 not even Matt. 303 00:12:17,468 --> 00:12:18,936 My cat stopped sleeping in bed with me, 304 00:12:18,969 --> 00:12:21,438 and I can't figure out why, and it's destroying me! 305 00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:26,143 So in summary, I think I'm gonna quit. 306 00:12:29,380 --> 00:12:30,881 Whoops. 307 00:12:30,915 --> 00:12:33,117 Totally should've said something there. 308 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,901 You forgot to buy the Christmas ham. 309 00:12:50,935 --> 00:12:52,903 Oh, don't go blaming this on me. 310 00:12:52,937 --> 00:12:55,839 You know what I want for Christmas? A divorce! 311 00:12:55,873 --> 00:12:58,742 Well, ho, ho, ho, and call me Santa Clause, 312 00:12:58,776 --> 00:13:00,411 because I'm giving you your wish. 313 00:13:08,319 --> 00:13:10,821 Happy Remember Day! 314 00:13:10,854 --> 00:13:12,323 Well, it's taken 16 years, 315 00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:14,225 but I think our little holiday is finally taking off. 316 00:13:14,258 --> 00:13:16,694 Interest on store-bought credit cards is through the roof. 317 00:13:16,727 --> 00:13:19,530 Next year, I think we can go ahead with the parade. 318 00:13:19,563 --> 00:13:21,432 - That's great news. - Quick side note-slash- 319 00:13:21,465 --> 00:13:22,600 awkwardly straightforward question, 320 00:13:22,633 --> 00:13:23,968 John and I were wondering 321 00:13:24,001 --> 00:13:27,037 when we can expect our Remember Day bonuses. 322 00:13:27,071 --> 00:13:29,240 Is money all you can think about? 323 00:13:30,407 --> 00:13:33,344 It's fucking Remember Day. 324 00:13:40,718 --> 00:13:42,453 I got the goose. 325 00:13:48,058 --> 00:13:50,394 I brought the goose, okay? 326 00:13:50,427 --> 00:13:52,396 I didn't forget. There it is. 327 00:13:52,429 --> 00:13:54,899 So now we can all have fun and enjoy ourselves. 328 00:13:54,932 --> 00:13:57,101 Remember Day isn't ruined. 329 00:13:57,134 --> 00:13:59,536 - That's a swan. - Did you kill that swan? 330 00:13:59,570 --> 00:14:01,138 Oh, don't go blaming this on me! 331 00:14:01,171 --> 00:14:04,875 I did unforgivable things to bring you people this goose, 332 00:14:04,909 --> 00:14:07,778 so somebody's gonna cook it, and we're gonna eat it, 333 00:14:07,811 --> 00:14:10,381 because Hampton DeVille is a family, God damn it. 334 00:14:11,849 --> 00:14:15,653 My parents got divorced on Christmas last year. 335 00:14:15,686 --> 00:14:18,856 Nobody touch the dead swan. It looks diseased. 336 00:14:19,543 --> 00:14:23,230 I think what I learned is that I have some repressed trauma, 337 00:14:23,308 --> 00:14:26,692 and I really tapped into that today. 338 00:14:26,736 --> 00:14:28,805 Matt, I want you to know that 339 00:14:28,856 --> 00:14:32,260 there is nothing you can do to make this right, 340 00:14:32,340 --> 00:14:35,121 and you will go to your grave a swan murderer. 341 00:14:35,196 --> 00:14:36,631 That's fair. 342 00:14:36,664 --> 00:14:38,433 But there's someone who needs you right now. 343 00:14:38,466 --> 00:14:39,801 Jake didn't get the promotion, 344 00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:41,803 and he's thinking about leaving the company. 345 00:14:41,836 --> 00:14:44,605 Oh, no, he tried to talk to me earlier, but I was... 346 00:14:44,639 --> 00:14:46,841 Premeditating a swan murder. 347 00:14:46,874 --> 00:14:48,643 But let's not retread the past. 348 00:14:48,676 --> 00:14:51,712 Jake needs you, and I can't help him, 349 00:14:51,746 --> 00:14:54,949 because I just don't feel like it. 350 00:15:04,926 --> 00:15:07,128 You're in my chair. 351 00:15:07,161 --> 00:15:09,363 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I-I will leave. 352 00:15:11,866 --> 00:15:13,768 Sit back down. 353 00:15:23,678 --> 00:15:26,214 - What's your name again? - Jake. 354 00:15:26,247 --> 00:15:28,983 - Cake. - Um... 355 00:15:29,016 --> 00:15:31,519 You wanna sit at the big table, don't you, Cake? 356 00:15:31,552 --> 00:15:33,354 More than I've ever wanted anything. 357 00:15:33,388 --> 00:15:35,523 Let me ask you a question. 358 00:15:35,556 --> 00:15:38,760 Do you think Santa Clause is happy? 359 00:15:38,793 --> 00:15:40,862 I'm pretty Jewish, so... 360 00:15:40,895 --> 00:15:42,830 I don't think Santa's happy. 361 00:15:42,864 --> 00:15:46,734 I mean, maybe he started out happy, 362 00:15:46,768 --> 00:15:49,771 but he wanted to bring joy to the world, 363 00:15:49,804 --> 00:15:52,306 so he created Christmas. 364 00:15:52,340 --> 00:15:54,208 But after he went down enough chimneys, 365 00:15:54,242 --> 00:15:56,944 he found out not everyone likes Christmas, 366 00:15:56,978 --> 00:16:01,649 that some people are Jewish or Democrats, 367 00:16:01,682 --> 00:16:05,253 or they think Christmas shouldn't be about gifts. 368 00:16:05,286 --> 00:16:09,757 So now Santa lives all alone at the North Pole, 369 00:16:09,791 --> 00:16:14,762 surrounded by elves and reindeer he underpays and doesn't trust, 370 00:16:14,796 --> 00:16:21,335 and he can't tell anymore if Christmas is good or bad. 371 00:16:22,937 --> 00:16:25,139 Trust me, 372 00:16:25,173 --> 00:16:28,810 Santa Clause isn't happy. 373 00:16:28,843 --> 00:16:32,280 You're better off being a dirty fucking elf. 374 00:16:33,938 --> 00:16:36,007 Is that cat hair on your suit? 375 00:16:38,453 --> 00:16:41,089 - Yes. - I love cats. 376 00:16:41,122 --> 00:16:42,523 Me, too. 377 00:16:42,557 --> 00:16:45,460 - Now I'd like you to leave. - Got it. 378 00:16:51,899 --> 00:16:54,209 Jesus! Fuck! Sorry. 379 00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,938 Uh, I've had a bit of an emotional day. 380 00:16:56,971 --> 00:17:00,775 Oh, well, I understand. 381 00:17:00,808 --> 00:17:02,744 Say, what have you got there? 382 00:17:02,777 --> 00:17:06,047 Oh, well, there's one person in this office 383 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:07,382 who had a worst day than me, 384 00:17:07,415 --> 00:17:09,951 and I thought this would cheer him up. 385 00:17:09,984 --> 00:17:11,686 You... you mean me? 386 00:17:24,532 --> 00:17:26,401 A guitar. 387 00:17:26,434 --> 00:17:29,170 - But I don't play. - Oh. 388 00:17:29,203 --> 00:17:32,974 Why would you do such a nice thing for me? 389 00:17:33,007 --> 00:17:37,478 Because it's Remember Day? 390 00:17:37,512 --> 00:17:40,882 - Thank you, Pat. - Yeah, okay. 391 00:17:45,386 --> 00:17:46,821 - No, you... you are such - Shawn, the way you fired that guy 392 00:17:46,854 --> 00:17:48,890 - a good... - that one time was so... 393 00:17:48,923 --> 00:17:50,525 Hey, hey. 394 00:17:50,558 --> 00:17:52,560 Christian... 395 00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:54,495 - We have something to say to you. - Yeah. 396 00:17:54,529 --> 00:17:57,565 And what she says may or may not reflect my own viewpoint. 397 00:17:57,598 --> 00:18:00,668 Wait, before you do, I have something to say. 398 00:18:00,701 --> 00:18:02,136 Up until a few moments ago, 399 00:18:02,170 --> 00:18:04,472 I had forgotten the true meaning of Remember Day. 400 00:18:04,505 --> 00:18:05,740 - Huh? - Hm? 401 00:18:05,773 --> 00:18:07,275 Appreciating the people in your life 402 00:18:07,308 --> 00:18:09,343 by giving them what they care about most. 403 00:18:14,916 --> 00:18:18,820 I will never forget that Remember Day was your idea. 404 00:18:18,853 --> 00:18:20,388 - Yeah? - Yes. 405 00:18:20,421 --> 00:18:21,589 - Yeah? - Aw! 406 00:18:24,125 --> 00:18:26,419 - This feels good, doesn't it? - Yeah. 407 00:18:30,398 --> 00:18:32,066 Hey, Jake. 408 00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:33,468 Hey, Matt. 409 00:18:33,501 --> 00:18:35,570 Grace told me you didn't get the promotion. 410 00:18:35,603 --> 00:18:37,572 I'm sorry I wasn't there for you earlier, 411 00:18:37,605 --> 00:18:39,741 but you're my best friend, 412 00:18:39,774 --> 00:18:42,210 or best work friend, 413 00:18:42,243 --> 00:18:45,546 - and I'm here for you now. - Honestly, man, 414 00:18:45,580 --> 00:18:47,382 I know I'm kind of a nightmare to be around in general, 415 00:18:47,415 --> 00:18:50,084 so don't worry about it. 416 00:18:50,118 --> 00:18:52,086 So you're gonna quit? 417 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,856 I was thinking about it, but I kinda realized that 418 00:18:54,889 --> 00:18:56,290 I'd rather be miserable at my job 419 00:18:56,324 --> 00:18:58,359 and be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment 420 00:18:58,393 --> 00:19:01,195 than follow my dreams and live in a studio apartment. 421 00:19:01,229 --> 00:19:02,930 Capitalism is a prison. 422 00:19:02,964 --> 00:19:05,166 So should we hug now? 423 00:19:05,199 --> 00:19:06,300 I would like to hug. 424 00:19:11,939 --> 00:19:13,775 Why do you feel wet and smell like death? 425 00:19:13,808 --> 00:19:14,946 I don't wanna talk about it. 426 00:19:15,483 --> 00:19:17,938 I am so glad that I will spend this night 427 00:19:17,978 --> 00:19:19,923 with the people I care about the most. 428 00:19:21,376 --> 00:19:23,511 Oh, I have to go meet them in a minute, 429 00:19:23,544 --> 00:19:27,472 but first, I wanna play something. 430 00:19:33,621 --> 00:19:39,427 ? Try to remember the kind of September ? 431 00:19:39,460 --> 00:19:45,767 ? When life was slow and oh, so mellow ? 432 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:51,773 ? Try to remember the kind of September ? 433 00:19:51,806 --> 00:19:56,590 ? When grass was green and grain was yellow ? 434 00:19:56,615 --> 00:19:59,981 - I'm never gonna forget this. - ? Try to remember... ? 435 00:20:00,014 --> 00:20:01,683 Well, Harold, 436 00:20:01,716 --> 00:20:06,521 today I beat up a drug addict who tried to steal our dinner. 437 00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:15,463 ? Try to remember and if you remember ? 438 00:20:15,496 --> 00:20:17,632 ? Then follow ? 439 00:20:17,665 --> 00:20:20,702 ? Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow ? 440 00:20:20,735 --> 00:20:22,370 ? Follow, follow ? 441 00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:28,910 And that's what Remember Day's all about. 442 00:20:33,514 --> 00:20:34,816 Broke into Kate and John's offices, 443 00:20:34,849 --> 00:20:36,451 stole my gift cards back. 444 00:20:36,484 --> 00:20:39,187 Oh, well, I mean, this is an utterly meaningless gesture, 445 00:20:39,220 --> 00:20:41,022 but I appreciate that it comes from you. 446 00:20:41,055 --> 00:20:42,457 Hypothetical question, 447 00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:43,858 you get invited to Osama Bin Laden's 448 00:20:43,891 --> 00:20:45,693 birthday party, what do you get the guy? 449 00:20:45,727 --> 00:20:47,362 - Gift card. - Absolutely. 450 00:20:47,395 --> 00:20:50,431 Okay, hypothetical question, Osama Bin Laden is alive, 451 00:20:50,465 --> 00:20:52,033 and he wants to have sex with you. 452 00:20:52,066 --> 00:20:54,273 - What do you do? - I don't know, he's gotta woo me first. 453 00:20:54,298 --> 00:20:55,390 I'm not just gonna open up for him 454 00:20:55,415 --> 00:20:56,570 just 'cause it's Osama, but... 455 00:20:56,595 --> 00:20:57,606 You wanna be taken out to dinner. 456 00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:59,919 Yeah, I wanna be taken out to dinner... 457 00:21:04,466 --> 00:21:06,468 Mommy, why is that man doing that? 458 00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:09,938 Because 16 years ago, terrorists attacked our nation. 459 00:21:10,031 --> 00:21:16,111 Mm, mm, mm.