1
00:00:04,667 --> 00:00:06,917
_

2
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,125
Jen? Honey?

3
00:00:13,918 --> 00:00:16,085
Your parents are coming. When?

4
00:00:16,124 --> 00:00:18,298
They'll be here before
the drugs can even kick in.

5
00:00:20,564 --> 00:00:22,062
Why didn't you tell me?

6
00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:23,663
Because they just told me.

7
00:00:23,665 --> 00:00:27,534
I mean, I love my parents,
but I hate when they visit.

8
00:00:27,536 --> 00:00:28,879
Honestly, I'm gonna lose it, Greg,

9
00:00:28,918 --> 00:00:30,752
just like I do every
single time they come visit.

10
00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:32,989
And then everyone gets upset,
and they leave on bad terms,

11
00:00:32,996 --> 00:00:35,396
and then we do it all
over again the next year.

12
00:00:35,398 --> 00:00:37,498
Well, every family has its traditions.

13
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:40,468
I think the only way
to make this a fun visit

14
00:00:40,470 --> 00:00:44,038
is if we just avoid all conversation.

15
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:44,823
Huh?

16
00:00:44,848 --> 00:00:46,684
We go to places

17
00:00:46,709 --> 00:00:49,188
that prohibit talking.

18
00:00:49,209 --> 00:00:50,625
- Yes.
- Libraries.

19
00:00:50,626 --> 00:00:51,668
- Yes.
- Theaters.

20
00:00:51,669 --> 00:00:53,666
- Yes.
- Scuba diving.

21
00:00:53,667 --> 00:00:55,459
- Yes!
- All that matters is

22
00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:58,007
the second they get
here, we are out the door.

23
00:00:58,492 --> 00:00:59,654
Jenny, look.

24
00:00:59,656 --> 00:01:01,489
Look, sweetheart,
look what Daddy's done.

25
00:01:01,491 --> 00:01:02,857
Just sit me in a chair

26
00:01:02,859 --> 00:01:04,759
and leave me for dead.

27
00:01:05,125 --> 00:01:06,702
Oh, no.

28
00:01:06,703 --> 00:01:09,675
This is the worst thing
that could have happened.

29
00:01:11,073 --> 00:01:13,418
So, Dave, tell her how it happened.

30
00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:16,056
Well, Charlotte kindly tucked

31
00:01:16,081 --> 00:01:17,511
the comforter into the end of the bed.

32
00:01:17,542 --> 00:01:19,501
I slipped in for the evening, and, uh...

33
00:01:19,502 --> 00:01:21,509
like that, my ankle just exploded.

34
00:01:21,511 --> 00:01:23,940
So the-the weight of
the goose-down feathers

35
00:01:23,965 --> 00:01:25,980
was just too much for
your ankle to handle?

36
00:01:25,982 --> 00:01:27,715
Had there been any
higher of a thread count,

37
00:01:27,717 --> 00:01:29,283
and I would've been facing amputation.

38
00:01:29,285 --> 00:01:30,451
But Daddy's forgiven me,

39
00:01:30,453 --> 00:01:31,886
and I forgive him for asking me

40
00:01:31,888 --> 00:01:33,588
to make the bed in the first place.

41
00:01:33,590 --> 00:01:35,690
Although the case might be
made that the one who took on

42
00:01:35,692 --> 00:01:38,025
the responsibility of
making the bed had a sort of

43
00:01:38,042 --> 00:01:40,162
an implied contract to create

44
00:01:40,163 --> 00:01:41,777
a safe environment.

45
00:01:42,292 --> 00:01:44,542
Wow.

46
00:01:44,591 --> 00:01:47,425
Starting with a toughie
right out of the gate.

47
00:01:48,628 --> 00:01:50,238
What smells?

48
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:51,272
Tutu-Bipsy.

49
00:01:51,274 --> 00:01:52,940
And G-Pa!

50
00:01:52,942 --> 00:01:54,876
Now, Lark, you got to be careful, okay?

51
00:01:54,878 --> 00:01:56,677
'Cause G-Pa's got a hurtsy.

52
00:01:56,679 --> 00:01:58,980
Oh, no, that's fine, Greg.
The herpes is long, long gone.

53
00:01:58,982 --> 00:02:01,501
Sweetheart, come, give me a big kiss.

54
00:02:02,919 --> 00:02:05,486
I can't believe we're stuck
here listening to them.

55
00:02:05,488 --> 00:02:07,048
My head is gonna explode

56
00:02:07,049 --> 00:02:09,626
- like my dad's ankle.
- You want to know what?

57
00:02:09,645 --> 00:02:10,751
Here's what we're gonna do.

58
00:02:10,776 --> 00:02:12,901
- What?
- You hang out with your parents

59
00:02:12,926 --> 00:02:14,128
for as long as you can stand,

60
00:02:14,130 --> 00:02:15,963
and when you reach your breaking point,

61
00:02:15,965 --> 00:02:17,865
I'll swoop in and relieve you.

62
00:02:17,867 --> 00:02:19,333
We'll tag-team' em.

63
00:02:19,335 --> 00:02:20,568
Yes.

64
00:02:20,584 --> 00:02:21,870
- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

65
00:02:21,871 --> 00:02:23,504
Aside from the fact that I now have

66
00:02:23,506 --> 00:02:26,289
the visual of us
tag-teaming my parents...

67
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:27,608
I like that.

68
00:02:29,876 --> 00:02:31,876
And that is when it became obvious to me

69
00:02:31,877 --> 00:02:35,283
that Shakespeare was,
in fact... a woman.

70
00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:37,985
That is a conspiracy
theory I have not yet heard.

71
00:02:37,987 --> 00:02:40,555
Daddy was very affected
by the Wonder Woman film.

72
00:02:40,557 --> 00:02:42,626
Sure. That's true... and what heroes

73
00:02:42,667 --> 00:02:44,876
are more super than our
literary heroes, correct?

74
00:02:44,894 --> 00:02:46,060
He's just trying to find a niche

75
00:02:46,062 --> 00:02:47,795
to compete with the
young professors who cut

76
00:02:47,796 --> 00:02:49,959
- their jeans off at the bottom.
- It's an entirely

77
00:02:49,966 --> 00:02:51,799
valid point of view...
Just happens to be

78
00:02:51,801 --> 00:02:53,434
from a younger perspective, that's all.

79
00:02:53,436 --> 00:02:56,037
Uh, do you... do you know
who cuts his jeans off

80
00:02:56,039 --> 00:02:57,138
at the bottoms?

81
00:02:57,140 --> 00:02:58,706
Greg. True story.

82
00:02:58,708 --> 00:03:00,329
Greg?

83
00:03:02,430 --> 00:03:04,405
Oh, hey, hon. Don't
forget to give me a sign

84
00:03:04,430 --> 00:03:05,813
when you need a break, okay?

85
00:03:05,815 --> 00:03:08,049
Greg, me getting up
and coming over to you

86
00:03:08,050 --> 00:03:10,285
with this face is the sign.

87
00:03:10,286 --> 00:03:13,054
Oh. Oh, I... I just thought
you were gonna give me a signal

88
00:03:13,056 --> 00:03:14,822
like whistling and patting yourself

89
00:03:14,824 --> 00:03:16,424
like you lost your keys or something.

90
00:03:16,426 --> 00:03:18,492
But don't worry, I gotcha.

91
00:03:19,125 --> 00:03:21,001
- Tag.
- Tag.

92
00:03:23,018 --> 00:03:24,632
So, what are we talking about?

93
00:03:24,634 --> 00:03:26,867
Greg, settle this...
Was Shakespeare a woman?

94
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,406
Jen, tell your father it's not true.

95
00:03:32,408 --> 00:03:34,809
He claims there's a crow
that speaks sign language

96
00:03:34,811 --> 00:03:37,604
and also volunteers
for the fire brigade.

97
00:03:37,629 --> 00:03:39,680
It happens to be the
gospel truth, all right?

98
00:03:39,682 --> 00:03:42,930
A student showed me the video.
The crow's name is Murphy...

99
00:03:42,955 --> 00:03:45,470
Although around the firehouse,
they all refer to him as Murph.

100
00:03:45,495 --> 00:03:47,088
It's the truth... You can Guggle it.

101
00:03:47,362 --> 00:03:48,889
I can what it?

102
00:03:48,891 --> 00:03:50,290
Guggle it. You know,

103
00:03:50,315 --> 00:03:51,259
when you drag something
down from the Internet

104
00:03:51,261 --> 00:03:52,693
to get more information.

105
00:03:52,695 --> 00:03:54,996
I believe it's pronounced "Google."

106
00:03:54,998 --> 00:03:56,797
See? I've been telling you that

107
00:03:56,799 --> 00:03:59,634
since we had dinner with the MacDuggals.

108
00:03:59,659 --> 00:04:00,701
It's the MacDougals.

109
00:04:00,703 --> 00:04:02,136
You know what, will you excuse me?

110
00:04:02,138 --> 00:04:04,005
I'm getting a phone call to Greg.

111
00:04:04,256 --> 00:04:05,455
Greg?

112
00:04:07,677 --> 00:04:11,979
Wow. All I said was, is I
have no idea about the crow,

113
00:04:11,981 --> 00:04:15,116
and they did not stop talking.

114
00:04:15,118 --> 00:04:17,496
It's exhausting.

115
00:04:17,521 --> 00:04:18,953
Just promise me you and I will never

116
00:04:18,955 --> 00:04:20,254
talk to each other that much.

117
00:04:20,256 --> 00:04:21,422
I promise.

118
00:04:22,357 --> 00:04:23,557
But I'm proud of you.

119
00:04:23,559 --> 00:04:24,659
Hmm?

120
00:04:24,661 --> 00:04:26,093
Now, get out there.

121
00:04:26,095 --> 00:04:27,728
You can do this.

122
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:29,524
Thanks, babe.

123
00:04:29,549 --> 00:04:31,098
I needed that.

124
00:04:32,190 --> 00:04:33,934
Hey, wait a minute, no,
I was coming in here.

125
00:04:33,936 --> 00:04:35,269
It's your turn.

126
00:04:35,271 --> 00:04:37,438
Damn it. So close.

127
00:04:43,579 --> 00:04:44,640
We did it.

128
00:04:44,665 --> 00:04:46,814
We tag-teamed our way
through their visit.

129
00:04:46,816 --> 00:04:49,906
I am so proud of you... you
didn't lose it on them once.

130
00:04:49,918 --> 00:04:52,502
Man, I will say it again.

131
00:04:52,527 --> 00:04:55,479
I am so lucky my college boyfriend died.

132
00:04:56,826 --> 00:04:58,225
Ha... Aw.

133
00:04:58,227 --> 00:04:59,927
Well, we are so sad you're leaving.

134
00:04:59,929 --> 00:05:02,229
The car is waiting outside
to take you to the airport.

135
00:05:02,231 --> 00:05:04,365
And we packed your
bags for you. So, bye.

136
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:06,771
That was so thoughtful of you.

137
00:05:06,796 --> 00:05:08,551
But you didn't have to do that.

138
00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:10,275
Because we're staying.

139
00:05:10,789 --> 00:05:12,039
Where?

140
00:05:12,041 --> 00:05:14,575
Here. We've decided to extend our trip.

141
00:05:14,584 --> 00:05:15,911
- When?
- Now.

142
00:05:15,912 --> 00:05:17,745
- No.
- Wow.

143
00:05:17,747 --> 00:05:19,347
We're so concerned about your marriage.

144
00:05:19,349 --> 00:05:20,981
The whole time we've been here,

145
00:05:20,983 --> 00:05:23,784
we've barely seen the
two of you together once.

146
00:05:23,786 --> 00:05:26,454
It's as if as soon as one
of you enters the room,

147
00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:28,756
the other's so revolted, they leave.

148
00:05:28,758 --> 00:05:30,958
We're not letting the two
of you give up. We're not.

149
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,693
That's why me and Mommy are staying

150
00:05:32,695 --> 00:05:34,774
until we've all worked
this thing through together.

151
00:05:34,799 --> 00:05:36,030
Have you seen my keys?

152
00:05:36,032 --> 00:05:37,465
Oh, my God. No.

153
00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:39,166
You know what? I'm done.

154
00:05:39,168 --> 00:05:40,468
I can't take it anymore.

155
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,821
This week has been insufferable!

156
00:05:42,846 --> 00:05:44,805
Good girl, Jen, let it all out.

157
00:05:44,807 --> 00:05:46,173
And now, Greg, your turn.

158
00:05:46,175 --> 00:05:48,476
Tell us, how do you feel about Jen?

159
00:05:48,938 --> 00:05:50,438
Mm-mm.

160
00:05:52,542 --> 00:05:54,460
_

161
00:05:55,023 --> 00:05:57,023
What the hell is that?

162
00:05:57,141 --> 00:05:59,520
Mom-Mom, this pasta is so good.

163
00:05:59,522 --> 00:06:00,988
Oh, thank you, dear.

164
00:06:00,990 --> 00:06:04,542
The key is to get the
mayonnaise really boiling.

165
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:06,400
Then it candies.

166
00:06:06,425 --> 00:06:09,249
It was my grandmother Wandy's recipe.

167
00:06:09,250 --> 00:06:10,542
- Wandy?
- Mm-hmm.

168
00:06:10,566 --> 00:06:12,400
What kind of a name is that?

169
00:06:12,402 --> 00:06:13,934
It's short for Wanda.

170
00:06:13,936 --> 00:06:15,236
But that's not shorter.

171
00:06:15,238 --> 00:06:16,937
Well, it was a slower time then.

172
00:06:16,939 --> 00:06:20,708
Hey, you two, tell Sophia about Wandy.

173
00:06:20,710 --> 00:06:23,244
Oh, the kids' magician that
ended up going to prison?

174
00:06:23,246 --> 00:06:24,311
Yeah, I don't think

175
00:06:24,313 --> 00:06:25,913
she's old enough for that story, Mom.

176
00:06:25,915 --> 00:06:28,975
No, no, no. I'm talking about Wandy,

177
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,017
your great-grandmother.

178
00:06:30,019 --> 00:06:32,586
I can't believe you've
forgotten your family history.

179
00:06:32,587 --> 00:06:35,458
Oh... Wandy.

180
00:06:35,459 --> 00:06:37,293
- Wandy.
- Yeah.

181
00:06:37,333 --> 00:06:38,833
I don't remember her.

182
00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:40,585
- No.
- This is so sad.

183
00:06:40,606 --> 00:06:42,496
I mean, what happens when I'm gone?

184
00:06:42,498 --> 00:06:45,034
Our whole family story disappears.

185
00:06:45,059 --> 00:06:47,287
Like cousin Victor down that sinkhole.

186
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:51,372
I know how to save it, Mom-Mom.

187
00:06:51,374 --> 00:06:53,741
I'm not freezing my head.

188
00:06:54,233 --> 00:06:57,679
Okay, we just have to fill
these test tubes up to the line.

189
00:06:57,704 --> 00:07:01,761
Oh! A genetic testing
kit. How sophisticated.

190
00:07:02,652 --> 00:07:04,232
We shouldn't have done this after lunch.

191
00:07:04,250 --> 00:07:06,667
- They're gonna think I'm part hamburger.
- We're just a couple

192
00:07:06,668 --> 00:07:10,124
loogies away from knowing
our entire family tree.

193
00:07:10,126 --> 00:07:13,673
Oh, Wandy would be so proud.

194
00:07:13,698 --> 00:07:16,397
She was very prideful.

195
00:07:16,399 --> 00:07:19,033
She wouldn't even
talk to my grandfather,

196
00:07:19,035 --> 00:07:21,602
Junious, until he
helped her board the ship

197
00:07:21,604 --> 00:07:24,003
that would carry them to New York.

198
00:07:24,237 --> 00:07:25,873
You see, she couldn't walk,

199
00:07:25,875 --> 00:07:28,509
and medicine wasn't what it is today.

200
00:07:28,511 --> 00:07:31,812
Remember, though, this
is a long time ago.

201
00:07:31,814 --> 00:07:33,714
Like when Hamilton was white?

202
00:07:33,715 --> 00:07:35,376
- After that.
- Okay.

203
00:07:35,416 --> 00:07:39,453
It would be 15 years before
Junious had the courage

204
00:07:39,455 --> 00:07:41,589
to ask for her hand.

205
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:46,660
But her father said
no, and so, they eloped.

206
00:07:46,990 --> 00:07:50,664
Oh, they don't make love
stories like that anymore.

207
00:07:53,771 --> 00:07:56,170
As you can see, we're each representing

208
00:07:56,172 --> 00:07:58,339
our newly-discovered genetic history.

209
00:07:59,442 --> 00:08:01,349
Je m'appelle Sophia.

210
00:08:01,374 --> 00:08:02,605
I'm 10% French.

211
00:08:02,630 --> 00:08:04,789
And I'm 60% Scottish.

212
00:08:04,814 --> 00:08:08,759
Well, turns out I'm
related to John Wayne Gacy,

213
00:08:08,784 --> 00:08:10,684
but I'm not gonna dress up like that.

214
00:08:10,686 --> 00:08:12,353
Here's our genetic report.

215
00:08:12,651 --> 00:08:17,691
And here is the greatest
love story of all time.

216
00:08:17,693 --> 00:08:19,527
Junious and Wandy,

217
00:08:19,529 --> 00:08:20,694
my grandparents.

218
00:08:21,006 --> 00:08:22,272
Huh.

219
00:08:22,297 --> 00:08:23,531
Well, that's weird.

220
00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:27,778
Wandy also had an uncle
named Junious, and he was

221
00:08:27,803 --> 00:08:30,811
born on the same day as her husband.

222
00:08:30,836 --> 00:08:32,640
Oh, it was a family name.

223
00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:36,243
And he died on the
same day as her husband.

224
00:08:37,298 --> 00:08:38,965
Did she marry her uncle?

225
00:08:39,356 --> 00:08:40,943
No, don't be ridiculous.

226
00:08:40,968 --> 00:08:44,051
It's the greatest
love story of all time.

227
00:08:44,053 --> 00:08:45,953
He carried her off the boat.

228
00:08:45,955 --> 00:08:48,322
Because she was four months old.

229
00:08:48,324 --> 00:08:50,157
No! No, no, no, no, no.

230
00:08:50,159 --> 00:08:51,792
It was love!

231
00:08:51,794 --> 00:08:55,160
He-he taught her to walk,
he even spoon-fed her.

232
00:08:55,185 --> 00:08:57,698
They courted for 15 years.

233
00:08:57,700 --> 00:09:00,167
Yeah, until she was 15 years old.

234
00:09:00,169 --> 00:09:01,802
No wonder her father disapproved.

235
00:09:01,804 --> 00:09:03,291
Guy married his own niece.

236
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:04,794
Sam, that's like

237
00:09:04,841 --> 00:09:06,106
you marrying Uncle Matt.

238
00:09:06,108 --> 00:09:07,556
Oh...

239
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:09,869
So, we're the product of incest?

240
00:09:09,894 --> 00:09:11,845
Well, you are.

241
00:09:11,847 --> 00:09:14,114
I guess this, uh, means my mom and dad

242
00:09:14,116 --> 00:09:17,125
both wearing toupees isn't
so weird anymore, huh?

243
00:09:17,150 --> 00:09:19,153
No, it was a different time!

244
00:09:19,155 --> 00:09:21,889
He stole a baby and married it.

245
00:09:21,891 --> 00:09:23,436
He loved the baby!

246
00:09:23,461 --> 00:09:24,325
Mom,

247
00:09:24,327 --> 00:09:26,460
are you really defending this?

248
00:09:27,930 --> 00:09:29,138
No.

249
00:09:31,451 --> 00:09:33,035
Give it back.

250
00:09:33,060 --> 00:09:36,136
It's just that it was
such a great love story,

251
00:09:36,138 --> 00:09:38,535
and I'm proud of my incest and...

252
00:09:38,675 --> 00:09:39,650
No,

253
00:09:39,675 --> 00:09:41,041
I'm not proud of incest.

254
00:09:41,043 --> 00:09:42,209
It's just that,

255
00:09:42,211 --> 00:09:46,146
you know, DNA really sucks,

256
00:09:46,148 --> 00:09:48,816
because then you find out incest.

257
00:09:48,818 --> 00:09:51,485
And so what's left for you?

258
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:56,233
Well, best I was hoping
for was an explanation

259
00:09:56,258 --> 00:09:57,625
for Uncle Greg's tail.

260
00:09:57,751 --> 00:09:59,126
Think we found it.

261
00:10:00,083 --> 00:10:01,917
_

262
00:10:03,584 --> 00:10:05,751
- Happy birthday.
- Oh!

263
00:10:05,792 --> 00:10:08,718
- Ooh! It's such a big box.
- Mm-hmm.

264
00:10:08,751 --> 00:10:10,043
As my dad would say,

265
00:10:10,044 --> 00:10:12,209
you can fit way more
than a human head in here.

266
00:10:12,250 --> 00:10:12,959
Mm.

267
00:10:12,971 --> 00:10:14,088
What is it?

268
00:10:17,128 --> 00:10:21,333
Oh, look, you gave me a book
of homemade coupons again.

269
00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:23,626
- Yeah.
- For chores

270
00:10:23,660 --> 00:10:25,415
and other silly, silly stuff.

271
00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:27,483
You just can't stop
giving me coupons as gifts.

272
00:10:27,485 --> 00:10:28,903
No way. You love 'em.

273
00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:30,254
Mm. Happy birthday.

274
00:10:30,279 --> 00:10:32,722
Thank you. Love you.

275
00:10:32,724 --> 00:10:34,924
Ugh.

276
00:10:34,926 --> 00:10:36,192
Classic Matt.

277
00:10:36,194 --> 00:10:38,394
Giving a gift no one would ever use.

278
00:10:38,396 --> 00:10:40,283
Ugh. You know what?

279
00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:42,232
That all changes today.

280
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:44,500
I'm gonna become the
first person in the world

281
00:10:44,502 --> 00:10:46,903
to actually cash those coupons in.

282
00:10:46,918 --> 00:10:48,502
Mm-hmm.

283
00:10:48,542 --> 00:10:49,917
Jen, have you seen my keys?

284
00:10:49,918 --> 00:10:52,325
Uh, Greg's whistling. I got to go.

285
00:10:58,375 --> 00:11:00,251
I've decided it's time to dive in

286
00:11:00,252 --> 00:11:02,668
and start using those gift coupons.

287
00:11:02,670 --> 00:11:04,971
All right. What am I warming
up, the tub or the wax?

288
00:11:04,973 --> 00:11:06,505
'Cause I can get down with either one.

289
00:11:06,507 --> 00:11:08,674
Ooh, you're gonna get down, all right.

290
00:11:08,676 --> 00:11:09,875
With a little karaoke.

291
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:11,877
I did not give you a coupon for karaoke.

292
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:13,245
No, but you gave me a coupon for

293
00:11:13,247 --> 00:11:15,108
"an adventure of your own choosing,"

294
00:11:15,125 --> 00:11:16,208
and the choice has been made.

295
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,418
- We'll do your hair in the car.
- But I don't like karaoke.

296
00:11:18,419 --> 00:11:20,486
That's 'cause you've
only done it in English.

297
00:11:25,927 --> 00:11:27,026
Hey!

298
00:11:41,459 --> 00:11:43,610
Yay! This is the best.

299
00:11:43,611 --> 00:11:45,678
I can't believe I didn't
cash these coupons in sooner.

300
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:47,096
I wish I could be one of those people

301
00:11:47,121 --> 00:11:49,234
that ate all of my meals in bed.

302
00:11:49,259 --> 00:11:50,716
You're describing a quadriplegic.

303
00:11:50,718 --> 00:11:53,386
Mmm, this is so good.

304
00:11:54,287 --> 00:11:55,855
Somebody order a sexy handyman?

305
00:11:55,857 --> 00:11:57,456
Yeah.

306
00:11:57,458 --> 00:11:58,858
The garbage disposal's clogged.

307
00:11:58,876 --> 00:12:00,959
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll be back in three hours.

308
00:12:03,069 --> 00:12:04,597
Mmm.

309
00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:06,966
That is amazing.

310
00:12:06,968 --> 00:12:08,768
Now work on that
bunion. Whittle it down.

311
00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:10,413
Yay.

312
00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:12,464
Oh.

313
00:12:20,958 --> 00:12:22,591
Mmm.

314
00:12:23,313 --> 00:12:24,052
Oh.

315
00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:25,290
Thank you, Mom. I
forgot what it was like

316
00:12:25,291 --> 00:12:26,786
to have someone make breakfast for me.

317
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:29,062
Aw, you're welcome, sweetie.

318
00:12:29,087 --> 00:12:31,657
Well, I guess I'm off to do the dishes.

319
00:12:31,659 --> 00:12:34,062
Unless anybody wants to help me.

320
00:12:34,531 --> 00:12:35,757
No thanks, Joan.

321
00:12:35,782 --> 00:12:39,013
Joan, here. Give this coupon to Matt.

322
00:12:39,038 --> 00:12:40,966
Then he'll do any chores that you want

323
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:42,735
in whatever outfit that you want.

324
00:12:42,737 --> 00:12:44,537
Now, I prefer the
French maid, but I'm sure

325
00:12:44,539 --> 00:12:46,872
that you're gonna take it
in a different direction.

326
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,875
I gave that coupon
to you, not to my mom.

327
00:12:49,877 --> 00:12:51,610
I know, and I'm giving it to her.

328
00:12:51,612 --> 00:12:53,012
It's called regifting.

329
00:12:53,014 --> 00:12:55,247
Well, it's rude and incredibly hurtful.

330
00:12:55,249 --> 00:12:57,183
Well, not as hurtful as getting coupons

331
00:12:57,185 --> 00:12:59,252
for your birthday instead of a gift.

332
00:12:59,277 --> 00:13:01,344
We can give coupons for birthdays?

333
00:13:01,369 --> 00:13:03,586
Babe, if you can tell
me when my birthday is,

334
00:13:03,611 --> 00:13:04,657
you can give me a coupon.

335
00:13:04,682 --> 00:13:07,159
June. July.

336
00:13:07,417 --> 00:13:08,908
- Jewelry it is.
- That's right.

337
00:13:08,909 --> 00:13:10,730
I thought everybody
loved getting coupons.

338
00:13:10,732 --> 00:13:12,537
Coupons are literally the worst gift

339
00:13:12,562 --> 00:13:13,566
you could ever give a person,

340
00:13:13,568 --> 00:13:14,700
and that's coming from a woman

341
00:13:14,702 --> 00:13:16,702
whose last present was a flu shot.

342
00:13:16,727 --> 00:13:19,570
Now, that is a gift
that keeps on giving.

343
00:13:19,595 --> 00:13:21,795
Through flu season.

344
00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:23,175
30% of the time.

345
00:13:23,542 --> 00:13:24,917
Matt, it's not that we want you

346
00:13:24,936 --> 00:13:26,317
to spend more money on us.

347
00:13:26,342 --> 00:13:29,519
We just want you to, you
know, think about us a little.

348
00:13:29,544 --> 00:13:30,483
And luckily,

349
00:13:30,485 --> 00:13:31,884
you'll be able to do that

350
00:13:31,886 --> 00:13:33,903
while you're doing the dishes.

351
00:13:34,459 --> 00:13:35,876
Yeah, and the French maid's outfit's

352
00:13:35,877 --> 00:13:38,020
up in the hall closet.

353
00:13:38,045 --> 00:13:40,412
Should be dry by now.

354
00:13:41,137 --> 00:13:43,904
You want the heels, let me know.

355
00:13:49,667 --> 00:13:51,543
_

356
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:54,533
Oh!

357
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:56,983
Sorry. I don't want to poke you.

358
00:13:57,008 --> 00:13:58,502
No, it's okay.

359
00:13:58,762 --> 00:14:00,529
Boom!

360
00:14:00,905 --> 00:14:02,073
Right on the nipple.

361
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,842
Oh! Babe, you think
my nipple is that high?

362
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,183
Oh, honey.

363
00:14:06,209 --> 00:14:08,584
Guys, this is my prom, not yours.

364
00:14:08,590 --> 00:14:09,855
I know. Sweetie, listen,

365
00:14:09,857 --> 00:14:11,757
we are here to chaperone,
okay? That is it.

366
00:14:11,759 --> 00:14:14,060
Yeah, tonight's all about you, honey.

367
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,976
Now you get out there, you crazy kids.

368
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,334
Come on.

369
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,653
So the parents can have a little fun.

370
00:14:21,678 --> 00:14:25,913
Oh. I always fall for the bad boys.

371
00:14:26,674 --> 00:14:28,446
Ah. Oh.

372
00:14:29,811 --> 00:14:33,668
I cannot believe that I get
to be at real prom with you.

373
00:14:33,693 --> 00:14:36,449
Oh, honey, I am so in love with...

374
00:14:36,451 --> 00:14:39,387
Wayne Winger?

375
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:40,333
Oh!

376
00:14:40,375 --> 00:14:41,458
Who's Wayne Winger?

377
00:14:41,459 --> 00:14:44,490
He was only the most popular
guy in my high school.

378
00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:47,533
I mean, he was, like, the
winner of Battle of the Bands,

379
00:14:47,558 --> 00:14:48,799
he was prom king.

380
00:14:48,824 --> 00:14:51,736
He won class vice president,
and he only came in second

381
00:14:51,761 --> 00:14:53,111
because Janelle Swanson had polio.

382
00:14:53,136 --> 00:14:54,814
I don't even think that's a real thing.

383
00:14:54,839 --> 00:14:55,901
Why don't you just go say hi?

384
00:14:55,903 --> 00:14:58,641
Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

385
00:14:58,667 --> 00:14:59,709
He will never remember who I am.

386
00:14:59,752 --> 00:15:01,298
He was way too popular for me. Okay?

387
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:02,959
We talked, like, one time.

388
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,492
He will have no idea who this girl is.

389
00:15:05,517 --> 00:15:07,205
Heather Short.

390
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:11,085
You look exactly the same.

391
00:15:11,436 --> 00:15:13,469
It's me. It's Wayne Winger.

392
00:15:13,471 --> 00:15:14,961
Wayne... Wayne...

393
00:15:14,986 --> 00:15:16,839
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne
W-Winger. Wayne-w...

394
00:15:16,841 --> 00:15:20,521
Wayne Winger, right! Yes.
I haven't seen you since...

395
00:15:20,542 --> 00:15:23,001
- That night.
- Yeah. Whoa.

396
00:15:23,042 --> 00:15:24,834
- And then I shipped out.
- You did.

397
00:15:24,835 --> 00:15:26,291
Desert Storm One.

398
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:28,043
- Oh, yeah.
- Military band.

399
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:29,400
Mmm.

400
00:15:29,425 --> 00:15:31,814
Excuse me, I have to go tune my axe.

401
00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:32,588
I like to keep all my instruments

402
00:15:32,590 --> 00:15:34,601
in fine working order.

403
00:15:34,989 --> 00:15:37,393
Do not go away.

404
00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:40,141
Oh, no, I won't. I won't. I won't.

405
00:15:41,958 --> 00:15:44,300
What was that about? You said
he only talked to you one time.

406
00:15:44,302 --> 00:15:47,157
Yes, the night that we had sex.

407
00:15:47,182 --> 00:15:48,032
Oh, my God, Tim,

408
00:15:48,057 --> 00:15:50,492
I cannot believe that he
remembers me. It just...

409
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:51,741
It's Wayne Winger.

410
00:15:52,148 --> 00:15:55,316
Totally remembers me. Me!

411
00:15:57,916 --> 00:15:59,382
Can you help me get my earring in?

412
00:15:59,384 --> 00:16:00,516
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

413
00:16:00,518 --> 00:16:01,651
Hey, if I can remember correctly,

414
00:16:01,653 --> 00:16:03,310
you really knew how to handle a stud.

415
00:16:03,335 --> 00:16:05,201
Hey, uh, let me help with this.

416
00:16:05,226 --> 00:16:06,279
I'm, uh...

417
00:16:06,304 --> 00:16:09,191
I'm an ear doctor and her husband.

418
00:16:09,193 --> 00:16:12,295
Dr. Tim Hughes, it's
actually pronounced "Huge."

419
00:16:12,778 --> 00:16:15,108
Hello, North Tippet High!

420
00:16:17,364 --> 00:16:20,489
We are Wingz with a
"Z" for legal reasons.

421
00:16:20,524 --> 00:16:22,676
Are you ready to rock?

422
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,890
# I am done being disregarded #

423
00:16:29,915 --> 00:16:31,789
# Through the night,
you beg for pardon #

424
00:16:32,350 --> 00:16:34,250
# Many lies would it
take to praise you... #

425
00:16:34,252 --> 00:16:35,688
Are you still into this guy?

426
00:16:35,713 --> 00:16:37,541
Who? Oh, Wayne?

427
00:16:37,542 --> 00:16:39,751
- Eh, he's not into me.
- No, no, no.

428
00:16:39,757 --> 00:16:41,390
I said you're still into him.

429
00:16:41,999 --> 00:16:44,493
Oh... I hate it when you get jealous.

430
00:16:44,495 --> 00:16:45,625
Jealous? Of who?

431
00:16:45,626 --> 00:16:47,164
Wayne.

432
00:16:47,165 --> 00:16:49,432
Wayne? Wayne's dumb.

433
00:16:49,434 --> 00:16:50,866
Oh, come on, Tim.

434
00:16:50,868 --> 00:16:53,035
Wayne is not dumb, obviously.

435
00:16:53,037 --> 00:16:55,805
I mean, he's in a band, okay?

436
00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:58,674
You know what? Let's just...
let's not do this here.

437
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:01,950
# Sat and waited,
worried for you... #

438
00:17:02,459 --> 00:17:04,584
What is up with your dad?

439
00:17:04,592 --> 00:17:06,418
He thinks I like Wayne.

440
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,215
Wayne Thompson?

441
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,788
He's a ninth grader,
and you couldn't get him.

442
00:17:10,813 --> 00:17:12,113
Really, Mom?

443
00:17:12,138 --> 00:17:14,051
I knew you guys would
make this night about you.

444
00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:16,689
What? We've been watching
you the whole time.

445
00:17:16,714 --> 00:17:17,845
You've been here, right?

446
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,090
- Yeah, I've been having a blast.
- Good.

447
00:17:20,091 --> 00:17:22,208
The lead guitarist keeps
licking his lips at you.

448
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,084
Really?

449
00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:24,736
And Ryan won't even dance with me.

450
00:17:24,751 --> 00:17:26,502
- Why not?
- Because Dad stole him.

451
00:17:26,524 --> 00:17:28,259
He keeps calling him "Rye Bread."

452
00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:29,554
This Wayne guy

453
00:17:29,579 --> 00:17:31,211
thinks he's so cool?

454
00:17:31,368 --> 00:17:32,913
Tell you what, Heather's
gonna change her tune

455
00:17:32,938 --> 00:17:34,677
as soon as the lease is up on my minivan

456
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:36,545
and I get a kick-ass sports car.

457
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,468
You feel me, Rye Bread?

458
00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:41,667
- Yeah.
- All right, Tim, come on.

459
00:17:41,696 --> 00:17:42,913
Let's stop being a buzzkill

460
00:17:42,918 --> 00:17:44,918
and give Samantha her date back, okay?

461
00:17:44,966 --> 00:17:48,968
I will, just as soon as my
date stops eye-banging Wayne.

462
00:17:49,266 --> 00:17:51,756
You did not just say that to me.

463
00:17:52,292 --> 00:17:55,210
- Come on, Sam, let's go.
- Really, Mom?

464
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:57,166
Shouldn't your commitment

465
00:17:57,168 --> 00:17:59,463
to one another for 20 years mean more

466
00:17:59,488 --> 00:18:02,251
than some really cool
guy from your wife's past?

467
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,174
I mean, you won her heart.

468
00:18:05,176 --> 00:18:07,910
Isn't that what really
matters, Dr. Huge?

469
00:18:08,991 --> 00:18:11,113
You're a good kid, Ryan.

470
00:18:11,896 --> 00:18:13,863
Maybe the best.

471
00:18:15,709 --> 00:18:17,853
Your dad is behaving like a child.

472
00:18:17,855 --> 00:18:20,489
He knows I wasn't a
virgin when I met him.

473
00:18:20,491 --> 00:18:22,361
Ew, you lost your virginity to Wayne?

474
00:18:22,386 --> 00:18:24,266
I wasn't a virgin when I met Wayne.

475
00:18:24,291 --> 00:18:27,425
I mean... No.

476
00:18:28,347 --> 00:18:30,197
Derek Wilson lost his virginity

477
00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:31,876
to a wet toilet paper roll.

478
00:18:31,933 --> 00:18:33,565
I kind of have a crush on him, though.

479
00:18:33,635 --> 00:18:36,276
Mom, you and Dad are
both acting like children.

480
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:39,542
You're right.

481
00:18:39,557 --> 00:18:43,212
You're right. I... Oh...

482
00:18:43,806 --> 00:18:45,540
I just got caught up

483
00:18:45,565 --> 00:18:47,644
in feeling like a teenager again.

484
00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:49,792
It is such an exciting time.

485
00:18:49,814 --> 00:18:52,572
And when you grow up to be
a strong, beautiful woman,

486
00:18:52,597 --> 00:18:54,123
I want you to be able
to look back on tonight

487
00:18:54,125 --> 00:18:56,550
and have beautiful memories.

488
00:18:57,375 --> 00:18:59,417
- I'm sorry.
- Thanks, Mom.

489
00:18:59,425 --> 00:19:00,096
Yeah.

490
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,187
But I won't have anything to remember

491
00:19:02,212 --> 00:19:04,249
unless you let me go
dance with my boyfriend.

492
00:19:04,292 --> 00:19:06,793
Okay, go, have fun.

493
00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:10,418
Sam's kind of a bitch, huh?

494
00:19:12,375 --> 00:19:14,253
All right, this next one goes out

495
00:19:14,292 --> 00:19:15,417
to a sexy little tiger

496
00:19:15,418 --> 00:19:17,512
who's in the audience tonight.

497
00:19:18,076 --> 00:19:20,721
Just to be clear, I'm talking
about an adult chaperone

498
00:19:20,746 --> 00:19:22,546
and not a student.

499
00:19:28,962 --> 00:19:31,541
Wayne, Wayne, go away.

500
00:19:35,532 --> 00:19:39,844
# And I'd give up
forever to touch you #

501
00:19:39,876 --> 00:19:41,364
# 'Cause I know #

502
00:19:41,375 --> 00:19:44,792
# That you'd feel me somehow #

503
00:19:44,821 --> 00:19:47,520
# You're the closest to heaven #

504
00:19:47,545 --> 00:19:49,461
# That I'll ever be #

505
00:19:49,463 --> 00:19:53,966
# And I don't want
to go home right now #

506
00:19:54,491 --> 00:19:58,552
# And all I can
taste is this moment #

507
00:19:59,279 --> 00:20:02,374
# And all I can breathe
is your life... #

508
00:20:02,376 --> 00:20:03,809
I love you.

509
00:20:04,232 --> 00:20:05,544
Okay?

510
00:20:05,546 --> 00:20:07,413
You know what? I...
We're the adults here.

511
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:10,115
Right? I think it's time we
start acting like it, hmm?

512
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:12,667
# ...miss you tonight #

513
00:20:13,018 --> 00:20:16,923
# And I don't want
the world to see me #

514
00:20:18,105 --> 00:20:22,932
# 'Cause I don't think
that they'd understand #

515
00:20:22,957 --> 00:20:27,333
# When everything's
made to be broken #

516
00:20:27,334 --> 00:20:31,626
# I just want you
to know who I am. #

517
00:20:31,651 --> 00:20:36,651
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