1 00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:03,238 - Daddy. - What are you doing up? 2 00:00:03,273 --> 00:00:04,676 I can't sleep. 3 00:00:04,711 --> 00:00:09,441 Wait. You eat while I'm in bed? Is there a meal I don't know about? 4 00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:11,967 A couple. But you need to hit the hay, buddy. 5 00:00:12,002 --> 00:00:15,710 I need you sawin' logs until 0700. 6 00:00:16,573 --> 00:00:18,990 I don't know what any of that means. 7 00:00:19,025 --> 00:00:22,182 Gloria and I are going through a romantic dry spell. 8 00:00:22,217 --> 00:00:24,551 Luckily, she's out tonight with her friend, Rebecca, 9 00:00:24,586 --> 00:00:26,326 who is married to a jackass. 10 00:00:26,361 --> 00:00:29,759 Gloria always comes home ready to show her appreciation. 11 00:00:29,794 --> 00:00:31,742 Suddenly, me going to bed with socks on 12 00:00:31,777 --> 00:00:33,325 is not such a deal-breaker. 13 00:00:34,357 --> 00:00:36,624 Aw, geez. 14 00:00:36,693 --> 00:00:38,859 I'm home! Hey, Jay. 15 00:00:38,928 --> 00:00:40,294 How's Rebecca? 16 00:00:40,363 --> 00:00:41,862 She's never been better. 17 00:00:41,931 --> 00:00:44,198 So, she left her husband like a month ago, 18 00:00:44,267 --> 00:00:47,868 and it's like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. 19 00:00:47,937 --> 00:00:49,070 Speaking of shoulders, 20 00:00:49,138 --> 00:00:50,638 are you ready for one of my famous massages? 21 00:00:50,707 --> 00:00:51,872 No, I'm good. 22 00:00:53,076 --> 00:00:54,079 It's her. 23 00:00:54,143 --> 00:00:55,476 Hello? 24 00:00:55,545 --> 00:00:58,312 The waiter? 25 00:00:58,381 --> 00:01:00,948 I knew he was flirting with you! 26 00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:03,684 Don't forget about that clod she married! 27 00:01:03,753 --> 00:01:06,220 You got one of the good guys! 28 00:01:06,289 --> 00:01:09,623 And he didn't have to write down our order, 29 00:01:09,692 --> 00:01:11,859 so you know that he won't forget your birthday. 30 00:01:11,928 --> 00:01:14,361 Ay! 31 00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:18,432 Joe leaves all his toys on the floor. 32 00:01:18,501 --> 00:01:21,202 I tell him to pick them up, but he doesn't listen. 33 00:01:21,270 --> 00:01:25,239 I'm telling you, it's a disaster in the bedroom. 34 00:01:25,308 --> 00:01:26,941 I don't know what to do. 35 00:01:27,009 --> 00:01:30,244 It's like he can't remember where things go. 36 00:01:30,313 --> 00:01:35,083 Eventually, I get so frustrated that I take care of it myself. 37 00:01:35,852 --> 00:01:37,885 Spanking? 38 00:01:37,954 --> 00:01:39,987 Well, yeah, I guess we could try that. 39 00:01:40,056 --> 00:01:41,789 Actually, now that you mention it, 40 00:01:41,858 --> 00:01:44,492 Javier and I tried it a long time ago. 41 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,660 It was a game-changer. 42 00:01:47,830 --> 00:01:50,397 Ay. Rebecca is doing so well. 43 00:01:50,466 --> 00:01:51,999 Sounds like she's having fun. 44 00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:54,869 Navy used to make us watch films about girls like that. 45 00:01:54,937 --> 00:01:58,205 Well, her husband never really gave her what she needed. 46 00:01:58,274 --> 00:01:59,673 Did she tell him? 47 00:01:59,742 --> 00:02:02,777 No. But sometimes it's more exciting to be with someone 48 00:02:02,845 --> 00:02:06,380 that already knows what you want without you telling them. 49 00:02:06,449 --> 00:02:07,715 Got it. 50 00:02:07,784 --> 00:02:09,250 Ay! Hey! 51 00:02:09,318 --> 00:02:10,785 Wh-What the hell was that?! 52 00:02:10,853 --> 00:02:14,488 Nothing! You know what? I think I forgot to lock the front door. 53 00:02:20,563 --> 00:02:25,563 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com 54 00:02:27,588 --> 00:02:30,005 - There he is. - Oh, now, don't get mad. 55 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,220 I know I said I was only getting tulips for the party, 56 00:02:32,255 --> 00:02:34,051 but I splurged and I got orchids. 57 00:02:34,086 --> 00:02:35,510 I... I wanted the party to be special, too. 58 00:02:35,545 --> 00:02:37,899 And in my defense, I didn't know about the orchids. 59 00:02:38,321 --> 00:02:39,824 I got a piano. 60 00:02:39,859 --> 00:02:41,188 Really, where? 61 00:02:41,690 --> 00:02:42,854 I recently got a pretty fancy job 62 00:02:42,923 --> 00:02:46,135 working for billionaire Michael Quinly. 63 00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:47,993 - It's kind of a big deal. - It is a big deal. 64 00:02:48,028 --> 00:02:49,762 Now, admittedly, throwing a party 65 00:02:49,797 --> 00:02:51,642 to celebrate your own reversal of fortune 66 00:02:51,677 --> 00:02:53,317 could be seen as braggy. 67 00:02:53,352 --> 00:02:55,168 Sort of a rags-to-bitches story, if you will. 68 00:02:55,203 --> 00:02:57,146 Then again, for a while now, 69 00:02:57,181 --> 00:02:59,127 when I've been telling my friends that I was struggling, 70 00:02:59,162 --> 00:03:01,052 they'd give me "that look"... 71 00:03:01,087 --> 00:03:02,893 the one that's mostly sympathetic 72 00:03:02,928 --> 00:03:05,178 with just a touch of enjoying my pain. 73 00:03:05,779 --> 00:03:08,379 So, today, I get the other look... 74 00:03:08,448 --> 00:03:10,815 the one that's mostly "I'm so happy for you" 75 00:03:10,884 --> 00:03:13,317 with just a hint of "I am wracked with jealousy." 76 00:03:15,722 --> 00:03:17,321 It'll be good to see the old gang again. 77 00:03:17,390 --> 00:03:18,422 - Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. 78 00:03:21,661 --> 00:03:22,827 Hey, you. 79 00:03:22,896 --> 00:03:25,563 What's going on? You, uh... you texting a boy? 80 00:03:25,632 --> 00:03:26,964 Just figuring out my summer plans. 81 00:03:27,033 --> 00:03:28,366 I remember the summer of my junior year. 82 00:03:28,434 --> 00:03:31,736 I followed N.W.A. on tour... Nebraskans With Accordions. 83 00:03:31,805 --> 00:03:34,472 This was before Polka Pete was brutally murdered, of course. 84 00:03:34,541 --> 00:03:37,341 Yeah, this is a little different. I'm actually up for an internship 85 00:03:37,410 --> 00:03:40,611 researching the minimal supersymmetric standard model at M.I.T. 86 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,281 Cool. Beantown. 87 00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:45,483 I don't know why I'm getting all girly and excited about it. 88 00:03:45,552 --> 00:03:46,784 It's not like I'm gonna get it anyways. 89 00:03:46,853 --> 00:03:49,220 What's with the quitter talk? If you want my advice... 90 00:03:49,289 --> 00:03:51,189 No, I don't, but thanks. 91 00:03:51,257 --> 00:03:52,356 What is all this junk? 92 00:03:52,425 --> 00:03:54,625 Fruit Roll-ups, chips, chocolate milk? Ugh. 93 00:03:54,694 --> 00:03:55,960 Th-There's nothing in the fridge. 94 00:03:57,597 --> 00:03:58,863 I'm packing you a lunch. 95 00:03:58,932 --> 00:04:00,832 I've always heard there comes a time in life 96 00:04:00,900 --> 00:04:03,634 when the kid starts parenting the parents. 97 00:04:03,703 --> 00:04:05,369 I thought it would be when I was in my 40s. 98 00:04:05,438 --> 00:04:07,205 But I'm pretty mature for my age, 99 00:04:07,273 --> 00:04:09,540 and my dad claps when he gets waffle fries. 100 00:04:09,609 --> 00:04:10,975 What are you even still doing home? 101 00:04:11,044 --> 00:04:12,710 Don't you usually open your magic shop by now? 102 00:04:12,779 --> 00:04:14,745 Yeah. I'm just going in a little late. 103 00:04:14,814 --> 00:04:16,247 Doesn't sound good for business. 104 00:04:16,316 --> 00:04:17,982 And I saw you sneak those carrots out of your lunch. 105 00:04:18,451 --> 00:04:21,185 I'm trying to avoid one of the other shop owners. 106 00:04:21,254 --> 00:04:22,720 Kind of an intimidating character. 107 00:04:22,788 --> 00:04:24,588 It started with a dispute over a parking space 108 00:04:24,657 --> 00:04:25,856 and escalated from there. 109 00:04:25,925 --> 00:04:28,959 Hey... we don't avoid bullies in this family. 110 00:04:29,028 --> 00:04:30,995 We stand up to them. 111 00:04:31,063 --> 00:04:32,529 Off you go. 112 00:04:32,598 --> 00:04:34,765 I don't think you realize what kind of person I'm up against. 113 00:04:34,834 --> 00:04:36,066 Yesterday, all my dribble glasses 114 00:04:36,135 --> 00:04:37,635 were replaced with real ones. 115 00:04:37,703 --> 00:04:39,103 It was humiliating. 116 00:04:39,871 --> 00:04:42,672 So, Long', we have a lot to catch up on. 117 00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,207 - What's up? - Not my weight. 118 00:04:44,276 --> 00:04:47,010 The Tom Brady diet changed the way I see the world. 119 00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:50,213 Food, not food, super-food, poison. 120 00:04:50,282 --> 00:04:52,315 Oh, well, okay, that covers you. 121 00:04:52,384 --> 00:04:53,950 I was going to ask about you, 122 00:04:54,019 --> 00:04:55,552 but, you know, I'm always nervous about the answer. 123 00:04:55,620 --> 00:04:57,187 Well, you know what? Let's roll the dice. 124 00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,321 - So, it turns out that I... - Hey, Mitch. 125 00:04:58,350 --> 00:04:59,356 - Hi. - Hi. 126 00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:01,591 - Where's Cam? Hey. - Oh. 127 00:05:01,789 --> 00:05:03,122 Claire, what a surprise. 128 00:05:03,191 --> 00:05:05,391 What are you talking about? You asked me to bring over the piano music. 129 00:05:05,460 --> 00:05:08,394 "Party-time Favorites." Oh, my gosh, how apropos. 130 00:05:08,463 --> 00:05:11,063 I'll just set these on our new piano... 131 00:05:11,132 --> 00:05:12,465 ...that I know how to play. 132 00:05:12,534 --> 00:05:14,734 Great party, boys. 133 00:05:14,802 --> 00:05:16,936 We need to talk about the piano in the room. 134 00:05:17,005 --> 00:05:19,138 Uh, well, yes, so, okay, okay. 135 00:05:19,282 --> 00:05:20,715 So, Cam has always wanted one, 136 00:05:20,784 --> 00:05:23,018 and frankly, it has been out of our price range 137 00:05:23,086 --> 00:05:24,953 until this week. 138 00:05:25,022 --> 00:05:28,089 - Fun story. It turns out that I... - I'm being rude. 139 00:05:28,158 --> 00:05:29,524 Sam Turnbull. 140 00:05:29,593 --> 00:05:31,393 Oh! Claire Dunphy. 141 00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:33,928 Hi. You are the editor of L.A. Woman magazine, right? 142 00:05:33,997 --> 00:05:36,164 I believe it's pronounced "La Woman." 143 00:05:36,232 --> 00:05:37,732 It isn't. 144 00:05:37,801 --> 00:05:39,934 It's funny because your office called my business last week. 145 00:05:40,003 --> 00:05:42,570 Apparently, I'm on some short list 146 00:05:42,639 --> 00:05:44,172 for the Women in Business issue. 147 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:45,907 - Closets, right? - Yeah. 148 00:05:45,975 --> 00:05:47,475 I shattered the glass ceiling... 149 00:05:47,544 --> 00:05:50,778 and ironically, we have a new glass-ceiling closet. 150 00:05:50,847 --> 00:05:52,547 You can see if it's raining when you're getting dressed. 151 00:05:52,615 --> 00:05:54,081 Gonna save a lot of suede. 152 00:05:54,150 --> 00:05:56,150 Well, it's, um, pretty competitive this year. 153 00:05:56,219 --> 00:05:57,552 Oh. 154 00:05:57,620 --> 00:05:59,353 Anyway, I'm meeting someone on the other side of the piano. 155 00:05:59,422 --> 00:06:01,088 I should leave now. 156 00:06:01,157 --> 00:06:02,790 Oh. 157 00:06:03,550 --> 00:06:06,985 I don't even care about his stupid magazine, 158 00:06:07,053 --> 00:06:08,353 but to be dismissed like that? 159 00:06:08,421 --> 00:06:12,023 Hey, everyone, everyone. Thank you so much for coming. 160 00:06:12,092 --> 00:06:13,558 We never get to see each other anymore, 161 00:06:13,627 --> 00:06:15,326 what with our busy lives. 162 00:06:15,395 --> 00:06:18,196 And Jotham's ambient music compositions, 163 00:06:18,265 --> 00:06:20,632 and, uh, Deepak's guerrilla gardening, 164 00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:24,636 and, well, me and my big new job 165 00:06:24,704 --> 00:06:26,538 working for Michael Quinly. 166 00:06:26,606 --> 00:06:27,805 Yeah. 167 00:06:27,874 --> 00:06:30,374 The rich guy whose name is on all those museums? 168 00:06:30,403 --> 00:06:33,037 And hospitals, yeah. So, to all of us! 169 00:06:33,105 --> 00:06:36,640 Ah, congratulations. 170 00:06:36,709 --> 00:06:39,176 It's really great. We're all... We're all so happy for you. 171 00:06:39,245 --> 00:06:41,378 - Thank you. Thank you. Hey, hey. - Hi. 172 00:06:41,447 --> 00:06:43,180 - You saw the look, right? - Yeah. 173 00:06:43,263 --> 00:06:47,105 Pure love and support with just a hint of rancid envy. 174 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:48,348 A word. 175 00:06:48,383 --> 00:06:50,510 But I'm basking. Um, Cam. 176 00:06:50,524 --> 00:06:52,249 So, while you were talking, I got online, 177 00:06:52,284 --> 00:06:55,585 and... your new boss was caught embezzling. 178 00:06:55,789 --> 00:06:57,121 Your company is crumbling. 179 00:06:57,190 --> 00:06:59,857 No! No! This... This can't be happening to me again. 180 00:06:59,926 --> 00:07:02,093 You know what? You'll find something else. 181 00:07:02,162 --> 00:07:05,063 Oh, my... Cam, I literally just bragged about a job that doesn't exist. 182 00:07:05,131 --> 00:07:07,031 Okay, okay. They cannot know, 183 00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:08,866 or else this will turn into an actual pity party. 184 00:07:08,935 --> 00:07:10,568 Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I-I got this. 185 00:07:10,637 --> 00:07:11,903 Hi, everyone. 186 00:07:11,972 --> 00:07:14,806 So, we are about to get to know one another on a deeper, 187 00:07:14,874 --> 00:07:16,608 more personal level. 188 00:07:16,676 --> 00:07:19,407 I think you all know what the bowl is for. 189 00:07:19,442 --> 00:07:22,575 Hey, no. Not your keys, Jotham. 190 00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:23,848 Your phones! 191 00:07:23,917 --> 00:07:27,185 We are about to rediscover the long-lost art of conversation. 192 00:07:27,220 --> 00:07:28,459 What if the sitter calls? 193 00:07:28,494 --> 00:07:31,187 Your dog will be fine. Phones, gentlemen, phones. 194 00:07:33,502 --> 00:07:34,735 You're working on a Saturday? 195 00:07:34,804 --> 00:07:36,470 I've been dealing with a little problem. 196 00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:38,772 In moments like this, there's only one place I turn. 197 00:07:38,841 --> 00:07:41,375 Well, I am flattered, Dad. 198 00:07:41,444 --> 00:07:43,110 Right. 199 00:07:43,179 --> 00:07:45,879 Hey, but, you know, since you're here... 200 00:07:45,948 --> 00:07:48,282 Uh, it's a difficult subject. 201 00:07:48,351 --> 00:07:50,985 - Gloria and I... - Mm-hmm. 202 00:07:51,458 --> 00:07:52,691 ...having an issue in the bedroom. 203 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,226 Okay. 204 00:07:54,294 --> 00:07:56,728 There's been a drop-off of pace and intensity. 205 00:07:56,797 --> 00:07:59,431 I get the impression she's looking for, maybe, a little more variety. 206 00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:00,832 - Mm. - But you can't blame her. 207 00:08:01,243 --> 00:08:02,909 I've been using the same moves since the '70s. 208 00:08:02,978 --> 00:08:04,745 I may as well be doing "The Hustle" in there. 209 00:08:04,813 --> 00:08:06,480 I'm just gonna wet my whistle. 210 00:08:06,548 --> 00:08:08,215 I heard her tell her friend last night 211 00:08:08,283 --> 00:08:10,717 about wanting to be spanked. 212 00:08:10,786 --> 00:08:13,920 And later, the opportunity presented itself, and... 213 00:08:13,989 --> 00:08:15,222 No, you didn't. You didn't. 214 00:08:15,290 --> 00:08:16,690 - Three times. - Oh, God. Why three times, Dad? 215 00:08:16,759 --> 00:08:18,859 I don't know. Maybe all those years of ping-pong 216 00:08:18,927 --> 00:08:22,185 in the warehouse. I've got very agile wrists. 217 00:08:22,255 --> 00:08:24,132 But I don't know how I come back from this one. 218 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,402 Well, uh, Dad, when you, um... 219 00:08:27,470 --> 00:08:29,103 When you did what you did to Gloria, 220 00:08:29,172 --> 00:08:31,272 you made the sex all about her body, 221 00:08:31,341 --> 00:08:34,041 and a woman wants it to be about the mind. 222 00:08:34,144 --> 00:08:36,878 Oh, crap. I was afraid it would be about that sort of thing. 223 00:08:36,947 --> 00:08:40,214 Look, she is an intelligent, interesting woman. 224 00:08:40,309 --> 00:08:42,543 And you just need to remind her that you notice that... 225 00:08:42,611 --> 00:08:44,778 unlike, say, I don't know, L.A. Woman magazine, 226 00:08:44,847 --> 00:08:46,580 that only cares about how a woman looks. 227 00:08:46,748 --> 00:08:48,581 So, we're off my thing, huh? 228 00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:49,950 Hopefully forever, yes. 229 00:08:50,018 --> 00:08:51,551 I ran into the editor of that magazine 230 00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:53,586 over at Cam and Mitch's today, and you know what? 231 00:08:53,655 --> 00:08:54,854 He looks me up and down. 232 00:08:54,923 --> 00:08:57,390 Suddenly, I am off their women-in-business list. 233 00:08:57,459 --> 00:08:59,526 So, L.A. Woman is its own magazine now? 234 00:08:59,594 --> 00:09:02,162 I remember when it was the back page of L.A. Man. 235 00:09:02,230 --> 00:09:05,332 Well, I suppose I'm just not as glamorous as Linda Vaughn, 236 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,334 the queen of corrective shoes. 237 00:09:07,402 --> 00:09:09,469 And this has nothing to do with the fact that you showed up 238 00:09:09,538 --> 00:09:12,138 looking like someone who just watered some horses? 239 00:09:12,254 --> 00:09:13,720 Who cares? What about merit? 240 00:09:13,788 --> 00:09:15,588 I hear you. But you got to play the game. 241 00:09:15,657 --> 00:09:16,856 I didn't get on the cover 242 00:09:16,925 --> 00:09:19,526 of Closet Time's September '78 issue 243 00:09:19,594 --> 00:09:22,462 by wearing Jordache jeans one size too big. 244 00:09:22,531 --> 00:09:23,930 I'm not doing it. 245 00:09:23,999 --> 00:09:26,366 They can keep their beauty contest. I don't care. 246 00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:28,953 Before you say "no," take a look at this. 247 00:09:30,539 --> 00:09:32,738 It's not making the case you think it's making, Dad. 248 00:09:32,807 --> 00:09:34,807 Oh, God. 249 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:39,145 Okay, that's all the phones. 250 00:09:39,213 --> 00:09:41,047 Look, nobody's gonna find out about you losing your job 251 00:09:41,115 --> 00:09:43,149 until after the party. 252 00:09:43,217 --> 00:09:44,383 Okay, I'm... I'm gonna get that. 253 00:09:44,452 --> 00:09:46,052 You call someone about returning the piano 254 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:47,753 we can no longer afford. 255 00:09:47,822 --> 00:09:50,923 Well, we couldn't really afford it with your new job, either. 256 00:09:52,060 --> 00:09:54,160 Why haven't you been texting me back? 257 00:09:54,228 --> 00:09:55,695 Well, uh... 258 00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,897 - You're judging us, aren't you? - No. 259 00:09:58,479 --> 00:10:00,746 This is nothing compared to the things that I have heard 260 00:10:00,815 --> 00:10:02,582 - that you two do... - Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. 261 00:10:02,650 --> 00:10:05,084 I-I never saw your text, okay? All of our phones are in a bowl. 262 00:10:05,153 --> 00:10:07,220 Oh, it's that kind of party. 263 00:10:07,569 --> 00:10:08,935 What do you think that we do? 264 00:10:09,004 --> 00:10:10,237 I have a problem. 265 00:10:10,305 --> 00:10:11,605 Well, can it wait? I have guests. 266 00:10:11,673 --> 00:10:13,640 Your father spanked me. 267 00:10:13,709 --> 00:10:15,108 Eh, it's a buffet. They'll be fine. 268 00:10:15,177 --> 00:10:17,110 Okay, I talked to the piano company... 269 00:10:17,179 --> 00:10:18,945 Okay, okay, my dad spanked her. You're all caught up. 270 00:10:19,014 --> 00:10:20,847 - What? - What did you do? 271 00:10:20,916 --> 00:10:23,183 I screamed, he ran away. 272 00:10:23,252 --> 00:10:24,818 And now I think he's embarrassed. 273 00:10:24,887 --> 00:10:26,319 Okay, okay. 274 00:10:26,388 --> 00:10:28,722 For what it's worth, sometimes people do things to other people 275 00:10:28,790 --> 00:10:30,257 that they want done to themselves. 276 00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:33,393 - Mm-hmm. - Sometimes, for years on end. 277 00:10:33,762 --> 00:10:34,961 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 278 00:10:35,030 --> 00:10:38,798 So, you think that Jay wants me to spank him? 279 00:10:38,924 --> 00:10:40,691 Well, if he's like some of the successful, 280 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,027 powerful men I've been with, yes. 281 00:10:43,095 --> 00:10:45,696 - Who are those men? - What are these things I don't do? 282 00:10:45,727 --> 00:10:48,395 Well, I guess I could ask him if that's what he wants. 283 00:10:48,463 --> 00:10:49,829 No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. 284 00:10:49,898 --> 00:10:51,698 He's probably already feeling self-conscious. 285 00:10:51,767 --> 00:10:54,200 Act casual, like it never happened. 286 00:10:54,269 --> 00:10:55,502 I can do that. 287 00:10:57,406 --> 00:10:58,471 I haven't even said anything 288 00:10:58,540 --> 00:11:00,273 about this gigantic piano you have here. 289 00:11:00,970 --> 00:11:03,871 Okay. Well, if it doesn't go back today, we own it, 290 00:11:03,940 --> 00:11:05,306 so the moving company is on the way. 291 00:11:05,374 --> 00:11:07,341 Okay, well, I think our guests are gonna notice that, 292 00:11:07,410 --> 00:11:08,876 maybe ask a question or two. 293 00:11:08,945 --> 00:11:10,177 I've got this. 294 00:11:10,246 --> 00:11:11,712 Hey, guys. Hi, guys. 295 00:11:11,781 --> 00:11:13,047 Mitchell and I... 296 00:11:13,115 --> 00:11:14,548 Or maybe just Cam. Not sure yet. 297 00:11:14,617 --> 00:11:17,284 ...are about to remodel our bathroom, and we were wondering, 298 00:11:17,353 --> 00:11:21,255 does anyone here have strong opinions about interior design? 299 00:11:21,324 --> 00:11:24,724 Okay. Can you guys, uh, follow me right this way? 300 00:11:25,703 --> 00:11:27,837 All right, everybody in. Yep, there's plenty of room. 301 00:11:27,906 --> 00:11:29,272 And I'll... I'll just close the door, 302 00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:31,974 give you guys some privacy so you can speak freely. 303 00:11:32,043 --> 00:11:33,576 There you go. 304 00:11:34,045 --> 00:11:35,845 All right. And, oh, look at that. 305 00:11:35,913 --> 00:11:38,080 The... doorknob came off. 306 00:11:38,149 --> 00:11:40,216 Sit tight. I got to fix this. 307 00:11:40,582 --> 00:11:42,215 Hey, Dad. 308 00:11:42,284 --> 00:11:43,583 Hey, sweetie. What are you doing here? 309 00:11:43,652 --> 00:11:45,685 Did you really think I wouldn't notice these? 310 00:11:45,754 --> 00:11:47,587 Also, I got that internship. 311 00:11:47,656 --> 00:11:49,222 I just need your signature on my insurance form. 312 00:11:49,291 --> 00:11:51,424 I told you to stay positive. 313 00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:53,360 How much fun is this gonna be? 314 00:11:53,428 --> 00:11:55,495 It's really not about fun. 315 00:11:55,517 --> 00:11:56,716 It's gonna be a lot of hard work. 316 00:11:56,785 --> 00:11:58,117 The pressure's off the charts. 317 00:11:58,186 --> 00:12:00,219 Well, that would explain the mental-health waiver. 318 00:12:00,288 --> 00:12:02,722 The last undergrad they let into the program completely snapped. 319 00:12:02,791 --> 00:12:04,190 They found her wandering the Freedom Trail 320 00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:05,790 wearing nothing but her safety goggles. 321 00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:10,194 Dunphy, you're in my spot again. 322 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,463 - That's her. - She's your bully? 323 00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:13,998 You realize she's not even that big, right? 324 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,000 - It's mostly just hair. - Shh, shh. 325 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,335 Who's the jock? 326 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,971 Oh, Stephanie, this is my daughter Alex. 327 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,172 Uh, Alex, this is Stephanie. 328 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,507 She owns the board-game shop next door. 329 00:12:23,626 --> 00:12:25,726 Yeah. I sell "Magic: The Gathering," 330 00:12:25,795 --> 00:12:28,162 and he sells magic, and no one is gathering. 331 00:12:28,231 --> 00:12:29,463 Come on. 332 00:12:29,532 --> 00:12:31,065 Dad, remember what we talked about. 333 00:12:31,133 --> 00:12:32,666 Oh, yeah. Technically... 334 00:12:35,605 --> 00:12:38,438 ...spot nine is a shared parking space. 335 00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:42,059 Ooh, look whose disappearing balls came back. 336 00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:44,328 What do you say we settle this once and for all 337 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:45,930 with the newly released collector's edition 338 00:12:45,998 --> 00:12:47,364 of "Wizards and Warlocks"? 339 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:49,066 Set her up. 340 00:12:49,217 --> 00:12:50,650 I'm done being pushed around by you. 341 00:12:50,719 --> 00:12:53,186 Winner gets the spot. It's a role-playing game. 342 00:12:53,255 --> 00:12:54,688 I'm Zorel, a 19th-level wizard 343 00:12:54,756 --> 00:12:57,090 with 30 gold ingots and a cow who used to be my son. 344 00:12:57,159 --> 00:12:59,125 I'm familiar with the game. I go to Cal-Tech. 345 00:12:59,194 --> 00:13:01,061 The guy who invented it gave our commencement speech last year. 346 00:13:01,129 --> 00:13:02,295 Okay, Dunphy. 347 00:13:02,364 --> 00:13:04,664 When we left off, you had just sold your long sword 348 00:13:04,733 --> 00:13:06,766 - for some beans. - Which could've been magic. 349 00:13:06,910 --> 00:13:08,342 There was no indication of that. 350 00:13:08,411 --> 00:13:09,844 Dad, where's all your gold? 351 00:13:09,913 --> 00:13:11,446 I found that Zorel doesn't like to be weighed down 352 00:13:11,514 --> 00:13:13,281 by too many worldly possessions. 353 00:13:13,349 --> 00:13:15,817 But the key is to pillage early and trade your gold for weapons 354 00:13:15,885 --> 00:13:18,319 before the Van Wickle gates open and the ogres are released. 355 00:13:18,463 --> 00:13:20,996 Curse card. Your hands are now hooves. 356 00:13:21,065 --> 00:13:22,465 Your roll. 357 00:13:22,533 --> 00:13:24,033 Uh, but first, a proposal... 358 00:13:24,102 --> 00:13:26,869 my shield for your feathered cap. 359 00:13:26,938 --> 00:13:29,238 I can't watch this. Give me those. Up. 360 00:13:31,109 --> 00:13:33,075 Hmm. 361 00:13:33,144 --> 00:13:34,710 Hmm. 362 00:13:35,159 --> 00:13:36,592 Ah, I see where you're going with this... 363 00:13:36,660 --> 00:13:38,694 calling for a peace conference with the council of elders. 364 00:13:38,762 --> 00:13:40,529 No. I'm putting the council of elders on our ships 365 00:13:40,598 --> 00:13:42,264 and burning them. Go. 366 00:13:43,834 --> 00:13:47,235 I'm here, casually reading a magazine, Jay. 367 00:13:47,469 --> 00:13:48,668 There's my brainiac. 368 00:13:48,737 --> 00:13:50,036 You didn't even have to turn around. 369 00:13:50,105 --> 00:13:51,137 You knew it was me. 370 00:13:51,206 --> 00:13:52,639 Oh, well, Manny's at school, 371 00:13:52,708 --> 00:13:54,741 and Joe doesn't have a key, so... 372 00:13:54,810 --> 00:13:56,209 What are you tearing through? 373 00:13:56,278 --> 00:13:58,745 Nothing. Just, like, a fashion magazine. 374 00:13:58,814 --> 00:14:01,381 In English, your second language. 375 00:14:01,450 --> 00:14:03,183 With all that information in your head, 376 00:14:03,252 --> 00:14:05,519 we should be calling you "Encyclopedia Brown"... 377 00:14:05,587 --> 00:14:07,153 which sounds like a slur, but isn't. 378 00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,556 Hey, I'll bet you can help me with something I've been struggling with. 379 00:14:09,625 --> 00:14:10,991 I doubt it. 380 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:12,659 Give me a thrill. Take a whack at it. 381 00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:14,928 What exactly do you want me to do? 382 00:14:14,997 --> 00:14:17,030 I'm sure you can figure out this clue. 383 00:14:17,099 --> 00:14:19,366 Come on, one across. Help me get started. 384 00:14:21,637 --> 00:14:23,770 Ow! What the hell?! 385 00:14:23,839 --> 00:14:25,272 What the hell?! 386 00:14:25,340 --> 00:14:27,941 I'll clean my room, I promise! 387 00:14:31,177 --> 00:14:33,167 - Ha. - Damn it. 388 00:14:33,202 --> 00:14:35,148 You made it to the Summit of Exmore. 389 00:14:35,183 --> 00:14:36,760 It exists? 390 00:14:36,795 --> 00:14:39,432 Whoa. I need to get these forms in by 5:00 391 00:14:39,467 --> 00:14:40,837 if I'm gonna take this internship, 392 00:14:40,872 --> 00:14:43,953 which I obviously am because I've been working for this my entire life. 393 00:14:43,988 --> 00:14:47,054 Dad, take over. You're basically in an unlosable position. 394 00:14:49,704 --> 00:14:51,504 You appear to be at a crossroads... 395 00:14:51,572 --> 00:14:52,805 battle the guards at the summit gate 396 00:14:52,874 --> 00:14:54,640 or take a portal to lands unknown. 397 00:14:54,709 --> 00:14:57,843 This would be so much easier if it was lands known. 398 00:14:57,912 --> 00:14:59,779 You're not actually struggling with this, are you? 399 00:14:59,847 --> 00:15:02,181 But what if the portal leads to someplace really cool? 400 00:15:02,250 --> 00:15:04,150 You win by getting to the summit. 401 00:15:04,218 --> 00:15:06,819 There's a 62% chance that portal leads right back to the meadow. 402 00:15:06,888 --> 00:15:08,554 That's math. 403 00:15:08,623 --> 00:15:11,957 You're in a house of... magic. 404 00:15:12,406 --> 00:15:13,672 And you're back in the meadow. 405 00:15:13,741 --> 00:15:14,973 What were you thinking? 406 00:15:15,042 --> 00:15:16,775 It's fine. You know, legend has it, 407 00:15:16,844 --> 00:15:19,411 there's a shortcut under one of the toadstools there. 408 00:15:19,699 --> 00:15:22,100 You don't win by taking shortcuts! 409 00:15:22,168 --> 00:15:25,103 You win by taking the lead... which is what I did for you 410 00:15:25,171 --> 00:15:26,738 by methodically clawing up the mountain, 411 00:15:26,806 --> 00:15:28,206 ruthlessly defeating your enemies, 412 00:15:28,274 --> 00:15:29,941 and then emerging victorious... 413 00:15:30,010 --> 00:15:32,677 not dithering around in some meadow! 414 00:15:32,746 --> 00:15:34,312 I'm gonna step out for a vape break 415 00:15:34,381 --> 00:15:35,980 while you two sort this out. 416 00:15:39,185 --> 00:15:40,885 You know why I like the meadow? 417 00:15:40,954 --> 00:15:42,654 'Cause it lets me think about what I want to do next. 418 00:15:42,722 --> 00:15:45,323 Should I battle the ogre 419 00:15:45,392 --> 00:15:48,192 or brave the Swamps of Despair? 420 00:15:48,261 --> 00:15:52,891 Should I take the super stressful internship in Boston, 421 00:15:52,926 --> 00:15:56,075 or am I doing that just because I think I'm supposed to? 422 00:15:56,313 --> 00:15:59,312 I beat out hundreds of candidates. 423 00:15:59,384 --> 00:16:01,484 I would be working with the pre-eminent scholar in the field. 424 00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:03,410 This is the chance of a lifetime. 425 00:16:03,479 --> 00:16:05,746 Yeah, but it's your lifetime. 426 00:16:05,814 --> 00:16:07,080 It's okay to enjoy it. 427 00:16:08,417 --> 00:16:10,317 No one turns this down. 428 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:14,354 Well, you always liked being the first one to do something. 429 00:16:14,423 --> 00:16:15,922 Give yourself the summer you want. 430 00:16:15,991 --> 00:16:17,624 You've collected enough gold ingots 431 00:16:17,693 --> 00:16:19,393 to buy yourself some time off. 432 00:16:19,461 --> 00:16:20,961 It won't make me lazy, will it? 433 00:16:21,029 --> 00:16:26,433 Honey, you walked at six months, spoke at a year, 434 00:16:26,502 --> 00:16:29,803 and your first words were "Sorry it took me so long to walk." 435 00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:37,554 Okay, so, the piano's gone. 436 00:16:37,623 --> 00:16:38,989 Oh, by the way, that sound you heard 437 00:16:39,058 --> 00:16:41,158 was the bottom of the truck scraping against the street, 438 00:16:41,227 --> 00:16:42,459 - so... - Okay, yeah. 439 00:16:42,528 --> 00:16:43,727 Yeah, I don't know, Cam. Is this really gonna sell it? 440 00:16:43,796 --> 00:16:45,362 Yes, it is. 441 00:16:45,431 --> 00:16:48,098 I've learned in my 36 years that, if you believe a lie, 442 00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:49,199 others will, too. 443 00:16:49,268 --> 00:16:51,769 - Okay, release the guests. - Okay. 444 00:16:53,439 --> 00:16:55,005 Okay, all fixed. 445 00:16:55,074 --> 00:16:58,208 Figures. Just as your Xanax is kicking in. 446 00:16:59,411 --> 00:17:00,477 Hey, guys, so, listen. 447 00:17:00,546 --> 00:17:03,414 We've kept you cooped up on this beautiful day. 448 00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:06,517 Why don't we turn this party into a garden party? 449 00:17:08,019 --> 00:17:09,285 Why is your piano covered with a sheet? 450 00:17:09,353 --> 00:17:11,854 Oh, um, well, because they recommend it. 451 00:17:11,923 --> 00:17:15,233 They say even five minutes of direct sunlight on a new piano 452 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,325 like this, your keyboard turns into something like 453 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,462 - an English person's teeth, so... - Huh. 454 00:17:19,530 --> 00:17:21,030 Okay, well, so why doesn't everyone just 455 00:17:21,099 --> 00:17:23,065 grab some appetizers and any wine that's already opened... 456 00:17:23,134 --> 00:17:25,301 - Already opened wine. - ...and we'll... 457 00:17:25,917 --> 00:17:27,984 - Hello, boys. - What are you doing here? 458 00:17:28,053 --> 00:17:30,320 - Didn't you get my text? - No, all of our phones are in a bowl. 459 00:17:30,389 --> 00:17:32,155 - Ew. - It's not dirty... 460 00:17:32,224 --> 00:17:33,690 unlike that dress. 461 00:17:33,759 --> 00:17:34,791 Hi, Sam. 462 00:17:34,860 --> 00:17:36,226 Oh, my God. 463 00:17:36,295 --> 00:17:38,294 Okay, you're that desperate to get into the magazine. 464 00:17:38,437 --> 00:17:40,871 No. I am going to expose him for the fraud that he is. 465 00:17:40,939 --> 00:17:44,374 He claims that his precious little list is merit-based. 466 00:17:44,443 --> 00:17:46,743 When I was wearing sweatpants, he wasn't interested. 467 00:17:46,812 --> 00:17:48,111 Now that I've gussied up a little... 468 00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:49,846 He's gonna put you on the cover. 469 00:17:49,915 --> 00:17:51,448 Really? Do you think? Shut up. 470 00:17:51,517 --> 00:17:53,550 Hey, Cam, there was an article in an old Details magazine 471 00:17:53,619 --> 00:17:54,651 I was reading in your bathroom 472 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,087 about the need to support your friends. 473 00:17:57,168 --> 00:17:59,135 We do want to hear you play. 474 00:17:59,204 --> 00:18:00,403 - No, you know what? - Let's not. Let's not. 475 00:18:00,472 --> 00:18:02,271 I just don't even feel like I'm in the mood anymore. 476 00:18:02,340 --> 00:18:03,973 You're a bigger liar than your scale. 477 00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:05,475 - Come on. - One song. 478 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:06,909 No one gets to leave this room until you do. 479 00:18:06,978 --> 00:18:08,010 Okay, well... 480 00:18:08,079 --> 00:18:10,880 I must say, you do look beautiful. 481 00:18:10,949 --> 00:18:13,983 - You remind me of my first beard. - Thank you. 482 00:18:14,130 --> 00:18:17,065 I'm a lady in the streets and a freak in the spreadsheets. 483 00:18:17,133 --> 00:18:18,700 It's not a bad caption, if you're still interested 484 00:18:18,768 --> 00:18:20,134 in using me in your magazine. 485 00:18:21,338 --> 00:18:23,037 Sounds a little... thin. 486 00:18:23,106 --> 00:18:24,305 Oh, well, all the best ones do. 487 00:18:24,374 --> 00:18:27,275 You're probably used to a cheaper, fuller-sounding, 488 00:18:27,344 --> 00:18:29,244 uncovered piano. 489 00:18:29,711 --> 00:18:34,014 ? Another bride, another groom ? 490 00:18:34,082 --> 00:18:36,249 Oh, from "Fabulous Baker Boys." 491 00:18:36,318 --> 00:18:38,852 ? Another sunny honeymoon ? 492 00:18:38,921 --> 00:18:40,987 What a sexy movie. 493 00:18:41,056 --> 00:18:43,056 ? Another season ? 494 00:18:43,125 --> 00:18:45,025 When Michelle Pfeiffer first... 495 00:18:45,093 --> 00:18:46,693 ? Another reason ? 496 00:18:46,762 --> 00:18:48,862 ...leapt into our hearts. 497 00:18:52,434 --> 00:18:53,867 Wait, where's the piano? 498 00:18:53,936 --> 00:18:55,969 I'm... I'm fine, by the way. 499 00:18:56,038 --> 00:18:57,838 So, we did get rid of the piano. 500 00:18:57,906 --> 00:18:59,639 Um, we... we can't afford it anymore. 501 00:18:59,708 --> 00:19:02,042 That great job that I had? Uh, I lost it. 502 00:19:02,110 --> 00:19:03,944 So... 503 00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:05,946 I couldn't have been more wrong about our friends. 504 00:19:06,014 --> 00:19:08,648 I mean, yes, yes, they can be snarky at times, 505 00:19:08,717 --> 00:19:10,951 but when I really needed their support, 506 00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:12,319 they were completely there for me. 507 00:19:12,387 --> 00:19:13,653 You know, you should take a look at your life 508 00:19:13,722 --> 00:19:16,236 and see what happened to make you so untrusting. 509 00:19:16,271 --> 00:19:18,225 I should. G-Gaw! 510 00:19:18,260 --> 00:19:20,326 And to think we... we locked them in that bathroom for no reason. 511 00:19:20,488 --> 00:19:22,688 - That couldn't have been fun. - Yeah, I know. 512 00:19:22,757 --> 00:19:25,416 Uh, the same thing happened to me once, remember? 513 00:19:25,451 --> 00:19:27,514 When that... the handle accidentally fell off. 514 00:19:27,549 --> 00:19:28,975 The... The... The night of our first fight. 515 00:19:29,010 --> 00:19:30,582 Yeah. Yeah, vaguely. 516 00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:35,913 That was an accident, right? Cam. 517 00:19:35,981 --> 00:19:38,147 - Did you fix the doorknob yet? - Just another minute, sweetie. 518 00:19:38,215 --> 00:19:39,281 Cam! 519 00:19:40,403 --> 00:19:42,637 I talked to Joe 520 00:19:42,706 --> 00:19:44,172 about what he saw, 521 00:19:44,241 --> 00:19:45,840 and he's not scared anymore. 522 00:19:45,909 --> 00:19:47,442 Great. Can you do the same for me? 523 00:19:47,511 --> 00:19:48,777 I'm sorry I did that to you, 524 00:19:48,845 --> 00:19:50,845 but I really thought that that's what you wanted 525 00:19:50,914 --> 00:19:52,380 because that's what you did to me. 526 00:19:52,449 --> 00:19:54,949 But I heard you tell Rebecca you thought that spanking would help. 527 00:19:55,018 --> 00:19:57,519 With Joe and his room. 528 00:19:57,587 --> 00:20:00,321 So... it was a misunderstanding. 529 00:20:00,390 --> 00:20:01,556 Exactly. 530 00:20:01,625 --> 00:20:03,391 So, there's nothing missing from our love life. 531 00:20:03,460 --> 00:20:04,826 - Right. - Right. 532 00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:10,724 Yeah, but, you know, that nothing is missing 533 00:20:10,792 --> 00:20:13,360 doesn't mean that we cannot add a little something to it. 534 00:20:13,428 --> 00:20:14,527 Yes, I'm being honest. 535 00:20:14,596 --> 00:20:16,896 I've got a... few requests for the band. 536 00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:18,098 Like what? 537 00:20:19,768 --> 00:20:21,835 You know, I feel weird talking about it. 538 00:20:21,903 --> 00:20:23,303 Why don't we write some of this stuff down, 539 00:20:23,372 --> 00:20:25,005 toss it in a hat, and see what we pull out? 540 00:20:25,073 --> 00:20:26,106 Ah! 541 00:20:26,174 --> 00:20:27,707 You fired that right off. 542 00:20:27,776 --> 00:20:30,276 That one sounds fun. 543 00:20:30,345 --> 00:20:31,544 No peeking. 544 00:20:31,613 --> 00:20:33,613 Ay, I said I was gonna do that one. 545 00:20:33,682 --> 00:20:36,316 Oh. Right. 546 00:20:36,385 --> 00:20:37,951 - Let's take it upstairs. - Okay. 547 00:20:42,591 --> 00:20:44,357 - What's this? - Oh, you know what? 548 00:20:44,426 --> 00:20:46,960 I think that is the hat that Manny uses to play charades. 549 00:20:47,029 --> 00:20:49,095 That's a relief, because I don't think I'm flexible enough 550 00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:50,797 for a "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." 551 00:20:52,972 --> 00:20:55,666 - You ready for round two? - Of course I am. 552 00:20:58,074 --> 00:20:59,409 What are you doing down there? 553 00:20:59,434 --> 00:21:02,855 - It says, "My left foot." - You got another movie. 554 00:21:04,590 --> 00:21:06,256 God, that was amazing. What do you call that? 555 00:21:06,358 --> 00:21:08,558 That's a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. 556 00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:09,826 You sure about this? 557 00:21:09,928 --> 00:21:11,728 Honey, don't give me a chance to change my mind. 558 00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:13,563 I am Zorel, 559 00:21:13,665 --> 00:21:16,767 fifth-level wizard, master of the meadow. 560 00:21:16,869 --> 00:21:19,870 You can keep the beard, but no talking.