1
00:00:04,325 --> 00:00:05,396
Hey, man, you open?

2
00:00:05,421 --> 00:00:06,754
Yeah, church is always open.

3
00:00:06,864 --> 00:00:08,163
We're like Heaven Eleven.

4
00:00:10,031 --> 00:00:11,797
That's good.

5
00:00:11,822 --> 00:00:14,089
- I'll start.
- Mm.

6
00:00:14,379 --> 00:00:17,513
Hi. Chip Curry, lapsed Catholic.

7
00:00:17,780 --> 00:00:20,681
Um, I'm not really here
to confess. Is that weird?

8
00:00:20,933 --> 00:00:22,766
Little bit, yeah.

9
00:00:23,004 --> 00:00:25,204
If you're not confessing,
we're just two grown men

10
00:00:25,206 --> 00:00:27,230
talking in a tiny closet.

11
00:00:28,009 --> 00:00:30,376
Okay, well, let me think, uh...

12
00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:33,146
Very often, I will hit
the "close door" button

13
00:00:33,171 --> 00:00:36,354
in the elevator as
a senior citizen is approaching.

14
00:00:37,185 --> 00:00:41,087
They're just so slow, Father.

15
00:00:41,089 --> 00:00:43,256
I actually agree. Go on.

16
00:00:44,826 --> 00:00:49,362
Well, a couple times a year,
I like to get a little...

17
00:00:49,364 --> 00:00:51,497
stoned, Father.

18
00:00:51,499 --> 00:00:55,067
I, uh, buy a bunch of ice cream
and Cheez-Its

19
00:00:55,069 --> 00:00:56,769
and just eat it all Muppet style.

20
00:00:56,771 --> 00:00:58,271
You know...

21
00:00:58,273 --> 00:00:59,939
Um,

22
00:00:59,941 --> 00:01:02,909
how does the Church
feel about marijuana?

23
00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:05,778
We don't love it.

24
00:01:05,780 --> 00:01:07,980
Yeah, I figured.

25
00:01:07,982 --> 00:01:09,853
John 4:20.

26
00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:16,237
Look, uh, you know, for the most part,

27
00:01:16,262 --> 00:01:19,430
I'm a good man, but I want to be great.

28
00:01:19,558 --> 00:01:22,859
And, I know it sounds crazy,
but the real reason I'm here

29
00:01:22,939 --> 00:01:25,640
is because I've decided to live my life

30
00:01:25,767 --> 00:01:27,932
one hundred percent by the Bible.

31
00:01:28,447 --> 00:01:30,536
You mean in-in general, right?

32
00:01:30,538 --> 00:01:32,805
Oh, no, Father. To the letter.

33
00:01:40,048 --> 00:01:41,614
To the letter!

34
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:45,739
Are you stoned now?

35
00:01:51,183 --> 00:01:55,702
credits

36
00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,930
So, Chip, how did you
come to the decision

37
00:01:57,932 --> 00:01:59,565
to live your life this way?

38
00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:01,867
Well, it all started when
my buddy Ray died.

39
00:02:01,869 --> 00:02:04,537
We'd been best friends for 30 years,

40
00:02:04,539 --> 00:02:05,972
so it pretty much sucked.

41
00:02:08,375 --> 00:02:10,449
Easy, dude!

42
00:02:11,279 --> 00:02:13,112
Chip...

43
00:02:13,114 --> 00:02:17,149
honey, maybe you should find
a way to say good-bye to Ray.

44
00:02:17,151 --> 00:02:19,986
Ah, what's that gonna do, Leslie?

45
00:02:19,988 --> 00:02:21,687
You got to grieve, boo.

46
00:02:21,689 --> 00:02:24,991
This guy's doing some serious grieving.

47
00:02:27,061 --> 00:02:28,794
I love you.

48
00:02:28,796 --> 00:02:29,929
Aw, you, too.

49
00:02:29,931 --> 00:02:32,498
Come say hi to Ray's mom.

50
00:02:33,413 --> 00:02:35,001
Ms. Murphy?

51
00:02:35,003 --> 00:02:36,469
Chippy!

52
00:02:36,471 --> 00:02:37,970
And Leslie!

53
00:02:37,972 --> 00:02:40,439
Oh, bless your hearts.

54
00:02:40,441 --> 00:02:44,227
Oh, my Ray-Ray
just loved you two so much.

55
00:02:44,252 --> 00:02:45,540
Well, we loved him, too.

56
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:47,747
And I know it's cliché,
but he's in a better place.

57
00:02:47,749 --> 00:02:49,115
No, he's not.

58
00:02:50,451 --> 00:02:53,819
Raymond is in Devil Country now.

59
00:02:53,821 --> 00:02:57,290
Area code 666.

60
00:02:59,037 --> 00:03:01,004
No, why would you say that?

61
00:03:01,029 --> 00:03:02,728
Well, because he is, dear.

62
00:03:02,730 --> 00:03:05,097
He stopped going to church.

63
00:03:05,099 --> 00:03:07,266
Ah, well, so did I.

64
00:03:07,268 --> 00:03:09,035
Oh.

65
00:03:09,037 --> 00:03:11,737
So you'll see each other again.

66
00:03:15,777 --> 00:03:16,909
Believe it or not,

67
00:03:16,911 --> 00:03:18,411
the compassionate words of Ray's mom

68
00:03:18,413 --> 00:03:19,979
did nothing to make me feel better,

69
00:03:19,981 --> 00:03:21,841
so I tried to lose myself in my job.

70
00:03:21,866 --> 00:03:22,971
I review movies

71
00:03:22,996 --> 00:03:24,517
for a newspaper in Manhattan.

72
00:03:24,519 --> 00:03:25,526
Unfortunately,

73
00:03:25,551 --> 00:03:27,565
I work with this guy Gary.

74
00:03:27,590 --> 00:03:29,572
Hey, Chip, check it out.

75
00:03:29,597 --> 00:03:32,525
Hooked up with this chick
Josie from CrossFit

76
00:03:32,527 --> 00:03:33,564
last night.

77
00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,895
Hottest Caboose I have ever seen.

78
00:03:35,897 --> 00:03:37,096
That's nice.

79
00:03:37,098 --> 00:03:38,446
Aside from my wife, of course.

80
00:03:38,471 --> 00:03:39,852
Yeah.

81
00:03:40,047 --> 00:03:42,922
You know, Gary, our wives are friends,

82
00:03:42,947 --> 00:03:46,082
so I'd kind of rather you not CC
me on all your sexploits, okay?

83
00:03:47,608 --> 00:03:49,070
Would you calm down?

84
00:03:49,095 --> 00:03:50,804
Bro code, right?

85
00:03:52,914 --> 00:03:54,347
Sure, bro.

86
00:03:54,349 --> 00:03:58,551
Just a little bit of
locker room talk, dawg!

87
00:03:59,272 --> 00:04:00,672
Unbelievable.

88
00:04:00,697 --> 00:04:02,236
How is it that I'm single and that guy

89
00:04:02,261 --> 00:04:03,960
has a wife and a mistress?

90
00:04:04,752 --> 00:04:06,859
Hate Gary. Hate Gary!

91
00:04:06,861 --> 00:04:09,395
He's just the absolute worst.

92
00:04:09,397 --> 00:04:10,763
If Gary were a Uber driver,

93
00:04:10,765 --> 00:04:12,732
he'd have a "two" rating and no gum.

94
00:04:14,225 --> 00:04:16,592
Oh, okay, if Gary were a Jonas brother,

95
00:04:16,617 --> 00:04:17,948
he'd be Frankie.

96
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,975
If Gary were a Twilight movie,
he'd be all of them.

97
00:04:27,181 --> 00:04:29,081
So, how you holding up, man? Mmm.

98
00:04:29,261 --> 00:04:31,043
Good.

99
00:04:31,288 --> 00:04:32,986
Look, I know we don't usually get...

100
00:04:33,011 --> 00:04:35,479
deep, but if you want to talk
about your friend, I'm here.

101
00:04:35,504 --> 00:04:37,303
You worked all night
on that, didn't you?

102
00:04:37,328 --> 00:04:38,828
And a little bit this morning.

103
00:04:45,566 --> 00:04:47,334
Meadows just fired him.

104
00:04:47,359 --> 00:04:49,693
Dude walked in to a Post-it note
on his computer screen

105
00:04:49,718 --> 00:04:51,123
that said: "Turn me over."

106
00:04:51,148 --> 00:04:53,472
Then the other side said: "See me."

107
00:04:53,474 --> 00:04:56,108
Why the extra step?

108
00:04:56,110 --> 00:04:58,244
I can't lose my job, man.

109
00:04:58,246 --> 00:05:00,247
Nah, you won't. You got passion.

110
00:05:00,272 --> 00:05:02,278
You're the best writer here,
everyone knows it.

111
00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:03,536
Meadows wouldn't fire you.

112
00:05:03,561 --> 00:05:04,724
What wouldn't I do?

113
00:05:05,411 --> 00:05:06,706
Is that the last donut, Chip?

114
00:05:06,731 --> 00:05:08,397
It is the last donut, Ms. Meadows.

115
00:05:08,589 --> 00:05:10,289
He always eats the last one

116
00:05:10,291 --> 00:05:11,957
and he never gets any for the office.

117
00:05:11,959 --> 00:05:13,793
Hey, you know, I drove you to IKEA, Cheryl.

118
00:05:13,795 --> 00:05:15,261
And you're gonna
play me like this?

119
00:05:15,263 --> 00:05:16,295
Like this, Cheryl?

120
00:05:16,297 --> 00:05:17,383
All right, enough!

121
00:05:17,408 --> 00:05:18,455
Cheryl,

122
00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:19,813
you are gonna need to wear a bell

123
00:05:19,838 --> 00:05:21,711
if you keep sneaking up
on people like that.

124
00:05:21,736 --> 00:05:23,198
And you.

125
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:26,954
Where is your review of the
reboot of the Spider-Man reboot?

126
00:05:26,979 --> 00:05:29,041
I'm so sorry. I know it's late.

127
00:05:29,043 --> 00:05:31,477
My best friend just died and I'm...

128
00:05:31,479 --> 00:05:32,924
Oh, yeah, we all got problems, Chip.

129
00:05:32,949 --> 00:05:35,525
My girlfriend's improv team
rehearses in my living room.

130
00:05:35,550 --> 00:05:37,107
Believe me, I've got problems.

131
00:05:39,162 --> 00:05:41,779
But I still get my work done
on time, now, don't I?

132
00:05:41,804 --> 00:05:43,956
So, just... do better.

133
00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:47,000
Still think she wouldn't fire me?

134
00:05:47,261 --> 00:05:48,679
- No, she'll fire you.
- Yeah.

135
00:05:50,186 --> 00:05:51,382
Totally.

136
00:05:53,568 --> 00:05:55,568
And then, my wife dropped the bombshell

137
00:05:55,570 --> 00:05:57,069
that brought me here today.

138
00:05:57,071 --> 00:05:58,704
- Mmm.
- Hey.

139
00:05:58,706 --> 00:06:00,039
Hey, babe. How was work?

140
00:06:00,041 --> 00:06:01,672
Uh, not great.

141
00:06:01,697 --> 00:06:03,640
I had to tell a patient
he had super gonorrhea.

142
00:06:03,665 --> 00:06:04,672
Ugh.

143
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:05,812
Got to tell ya,

144
00:06:05,837 --> 00:06:07,374
he didn't find it all that super.

145
00:06:07,866 --> 00:06:09,366
I wouldn't think so, no.

146
00:06:09,391 --> 00:06:11,639
No. Hey, can you
turn this off real quick?

147
00:06:11,664 --> 00:06:12,690
Yeah.

148
00:06:13,619 --> 00:06:16,307
Chip, I love you to the moon and back,

149
00:06:16,332 --> 00:06:18,958
but you have been completely
checked out since Ray died.

150
00:06:19,121 --> 00:06:20,230
You got to come back to me,

151
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,421
now, okay?

152
00:06:21,929 --> 00:06:23,985
I need you. Because, honey...

153
00:06:25,438 --> 00:06:26,649
... ya girl's pregnant.

154
00:06:26,674 --> 00:06:28,212
Oh, my gosh!

155
00:06:28,237 --> 00:06:30,536
Oh, this is fantastic news!

156
00:06:30,538 --> 00:06:32,338
- Honey!
- Oh...

157
00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:35,140
Oh, I am here.
I'm with you all the way, okay?

158
00:06:35,142 --> 00:06:37,285
I'll be better, babe, I will.

159
00:06:37,310 --> 00:06:38,566
I know you will.

160
00:06:38,591 --> 00:06:41,519
I mean, I don't know
you will, like, at all...

161
00:06:41,544 --> 00:06:43,349
it's actually a pretty big concern

162
00:06:43,351 --> 00:06:45,684
but you better.

163
00:06:47,002 --> 00:06:48,877
Excuse me, Gracie.

164
00:06:48,902 --> 00:06:51,068
Uh, do you have any books
for when you're just sort of

165
00:06:51,093 --> 00:06:53,761
an overall disaster as a person,
but are also going to be

166
00:06:53,786 --> 00:06:55,709
bringing a human child into the world?

167
00:06:56,097 --> 00:06:58,298
Honey, I've been divorced four times,

168
00:06:58,323 --> 00:07:00,509
I bought stock in Blockbuster Video,

169
00:07:00,534 --> 00:07:02,016
and I work the night shift

170
00:07:02,041 --> 00:07:04,033
in one of America's last bookstores.

171
00:07:04,058 --> 00:07:05,853
You don't want my advice.

172
00:07:06,674 --> 00:07:08,007
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

173
00:07:08,009 --> 00:07:10,209
Bible. No, I... that's an accident.

174
00:07:10,211 --> 00:07:11,477
I didn't mean to get that.

175
00:07:11,479 --> 00:07:13,279
You don't want it, put it back.

176
00:07:21,989 --> 00:07:24,223
Do you believe in signs, Gracie?

177
00:07:24,225 --> 00:07:26,225
Again, you're asking the wrong girl.

178
00:07:26,227 --> 00:07:28,928
I escaped from a cult six months ago.

179
00:07:28,930 --> 00:07:33,465
FYI, if anyone ever starts a
sentence with "It's not a cult"

180
00:07:33,467 --> 00:07:36,402
they are about to describe a cult.

181
00:07:38,739 --> 00:07:40,239
Uh-huh.

182
00:07:40,947 --> 00:07:42,595
You didn't come to bed last night.

183
00:07:42,620 --> 00:07:43,915
Okay.

184
00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:45,830
You know how I do that
master cleanse every year

185
00:07:45,855 --> 00:07:48,018
where I drink the mix of cayenne
pepper and lemon juice

186
00:07:48,049 --> 00:07:49,539
for two weeks, drop, like, 20 pounds?

187
00:07:49,564 --> 00:07:53,285
Of course. You pooped your pants
at Rite Aid that one time.

188
00:07:53,287 --> 00:07:55,955
I want to do that for nine months.

189
00:07:55,957 --> 00:07:58,257
- Poop your pants at Rite Aid?
- No.

190
00:07:58,259 --> 00:08:00,359
- They banned you, remember?
- Yeah.

191
00:08:00,361 --> 00:08:02,895
No, no, no. I want to live my life

192
00:08:02,897 --> 00:08:06,532
strictly according to the Bible
until our non-ugly baby arrives.

193
00:08:07,064 --> 00:08:08,563
And I got to do it all in.

194
00:08:08,588 --> 00:08:10,288
It's like a soul cleanse.

195
00:08:10,313 --> 00:08:12,580
And I can't explain it
exactly, but I feel it.

196
00:08:12,605 --> 00:08:15,039
And this is just,
it's something I need to do.

197
00:08:15,176 --> 00:08:18,544
Uh, just changing your life like
this, that changes my life, too.

198
00:08:18,546 --> 00:08:19,812
Do you get that?

199
00:08:19,814 --> 00:08:21,747
I mean, are we still gonna have fun?

200
00:08:21,749 --> 00:08:23,816
I'm not throwing out my rap albums.

201
00:08:23,818 --> 00:08:26,318
You know how much I love
my filthy, filthy sex rap.

202
00:08:27,188 --> 00:08:28,454
Listen.

203
00:08:28,456 --> 00:08:30,956
I realize it sounds nuts, okay?

204
00:08:30,958 --> 00:08:32,825
- Mm-hmm.
- But I just really believe

205
00:08:32,827 --> 00:08:35,197
it's gonna make me a better
father for our son or daughter.

206
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,830
Hopefully son.

207
00:08:37,832 --> 00:08:40,532
Well, what if I don't want
to raise our kid religious?

208
00:08:40,534 --> 00:08:42,615
I work in medicine. Faith isn't so easy

209
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,169
when you see the things I see all day.

210
00:08:44,171 --> 00:08:46,171
Oh, but come on, you got to have faith.

211
00:08:46,173 --> 00:08:47,906
I mean, what about sunsets?

212
00:08:47,908 --> 00:08:51,777
Or season four of The Wire?

213
00:08:51,779 --> 00:08:54,380
Well, what about super gonorrhea?

214
00:08:54,382 --> 00:08:56,682
Didn't God design that, too?

215
00:08:56,684 --> 00:08:59,151
And if so, why?

216
00:08:59,547 --> 00:09:00,786
That's a great question.

217
00:09:00,788 --> 00:09:02,588
I haven't gotten to that part yet.

218
00:09:02,590 --> 00:09:05,991
Couldn't you, I don't know,
like, maybe go to church...

219
00:09:05,993 --> 00:09:07,793
... one time,

220
00:09:07,795 --> 00:09:09,428
before making this huge commitment?

221
00:09:09,430 --> 00:09:11,967
And I am going today.
I even made an appointment.

222
00:09:11,992 --> 00:09:13,059
They have those?

223
00:09:13,084 --> 00:09:14,133
Not generally, no.

224
00:09:14,135 --> 00:09:15,701
They were very confused when I called.

225
00:09:15,703 --> 00:09:18,137
But look. Honey,

226
00:09:18,139 --> 00:09:19,872
- don't worry, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

227
00:09:19,874 --> 00:09:22,608
It's gonna be the same awesome
marriage that we've always had.

228
00:09:22,610 --> 00:09:23,964
Hey, maybe even better.

229
00:09:23,989 --> 00:09:26,178
- Ooh, I'd like that.
- Yeah. Okay.

230
00:09:26,180 --> 00:09:27,579
- Mm.
- Mwah.

231
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:33,240
Oh. Except, of course, if it
goes beyond the nine months,

232
00:09:33,265 --> 00:09:35,515
I won't be able to touch you
while you're on your period.

233
00:09:35,540 --> 00:09:36,585
And if you get too crabby,

234
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,155
I'm supposed to go live in the desert.

235
00:09:38,180 --> 00:09:41,470
You know, it's just Bible stuff.
Okay. Toodles, noodles.

236
00:09:41,495 --> 00:09:42,761
And that was this morning,

237
00:09:42,763 --> 00:09:45,034
and now here we are. Sha-bam.

238
00:09:45,447 --> 00:09:46,874
- Hey, Chip.
- Mm.

239
00:09:46,963 --> 00:09:49,034
Do you know any short stories?

240
00:09:50,738 --> 00:09:52,705
You do realize it's gonna be impossible

241
00:09:52,730 --> 00:09:55,149
to truly live by the Bible, right?

242
00:09:55,435 --> 00:09:57,176
Well... see, I would think a priest

243
00:09:57,178 --> 00:09:59,678
would want people to live by the Bible.

244
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,613
Yeah! In general, not a hundred percent.

245
00:10:01,615 --> 00:10:02,981
It's not possible.

246
00:10:03,642 --> 00:10:05,509
You're already in breach
with your clothes.

247
00:10:05,753 --> 00:10:07,279
What? Why?

248
00:10:07,304 --> 00:10:08,837
You're mixing fabrics.

249
00:10:09,123 --> 00:10:11,356
Leviticus says
"Do not wear clothing woven

250
00:10:11,358 --> 00:10:13,392
from two different kinds of thread."

251
00:10:13,394 --> 00:10:15,527
Oh.

252
00:10:15,529 --> 00:10:18,360
That's a hot tip, man.
See? This is the stuff I need.

253
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,799
Oh, what do I call you, by
the way? I never got your name.

254
00:10:20,801 --> 00:10:22,165
Ah, here. Take my card.

255
00:10:22,190 --> 00:10:25,215
Father Eugenio Alberto
Del Castillo Cabeza de Vaca.

256
00:10:26,362 --> 00:10:27,941
Father Gene is fine.

257
00:10:28,576 --> 00:10:30,476
Chip, I tell my Sunday schoolers:

258
00:10:30,478 --> 00:10:31,910
"Bible" stands for

259
00:10:31,912 --> 00:10:34,980
"Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."

260
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,240
That's it.

261
00:10:36,265 --> 00:10:38,308
Yeah, but, see, basic's
never really done it for me.

262
00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:39,752
I got to go all the way.

263
00:10:47,292 --> 00:10:50,827
Donuts in the heezy!

264
00:10:50,829 --> 00:10:51,928
Ha-ha!

265
00:10:51,930 --> 00:10:53,764
Hey, killer vest, Cheryl.

266
00:10:53,766 --> 00:10:55,365
Thanks. It's my dead mother's.

267
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:56,500
No kidding.

268
00:10:58,237 --> 00:11:00,103
Dude, so, I had that chick Josie

269
00:11:00,105 --> 00:11:01,571
meet me here at the office today.

270
00:11:01,573 --> 00:11:03,607
Snuck her down to the parking garage.

271
00:11:03,609 --> 00:11:06,243
We hooked up right on
the hood of a Ford Fiesta.

272
00:11:07,413 --> 00:11:09,646
Talk about a fiesta!

273
00:11:11,517 --> 00:11:13,717
Stupid Gary.

274
00:11:13,719 --> 00:11:15,919
If Gary was a shoe, he'd be a Croc.

275
00:11:17,356 --> 00:11:20,390
If Gary was a juice, he'd be prune.

276
00:11:21,193 --> 00:11:23,160
Now you do one.

277
00:11:23,162 --> 00:11:24,259
I...

278
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:25,762
I'm not gonna be able to participate

279
00:11:25,764 --> 00:11:26,997
in hating Gary anymore.

280
00:11:28,734 --> 00:11:30,000
But you love hating Gary.

281
00:11:30,249 --> 00:11:31,255
W-What's up with you?

282
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:32,810
And what's up with your threads, man?

283
00:11:32,835 --> 00:11:34,869
You look like a business casual ghost.

284
00:11:37,342 --> 00:11:40,610
I'm just not mixing
my fabrics anymore, okay?

285
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:43,313
It's a long story, but I've
been trying to follow the Bible.

286
00:11:43,315 --> 00:11:44,485
- Bible, huh?
- Yeah.

287
00:11:44,532 --> 00:11:45,823
I thought you were about due for

288
00:11:45,848 --> 00:11:47,782
another one of your little obsessions.
- Nah...

289
00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:49,331
I still have a nunchuk scar on my back

290
00:11:49,356 --> 00:11:50,608
from the last one.
- No, look.

291
00:11:50,633 --> 00:11:53,159
That was the old me. "Live by
the 'chuks, die by the 'chuks,"

292
00:11:53,184 --> 00:11:54,550
but this is different.

293
00:11:55,541 --> 00:11:56,969
All ght, man. I believe you.

294
00:11:56,994 --> 00:11:58,695
Look, I'm really serious
about this, okay?

295
00:11:58,697 --> 00:12:00,430
I got to get myself on track here,

296
00:12:00,432 --> 00:12:03,567
because, well, between us,

297
00:12:03,569 --> 00:12:04,868
Leslie's pregnant.

298
00:12:04,870 --> 00:12:05,902
- What?!
- Yeah.

299
00:12:05,904 --> 00:12:07,170
My man. Congratulations.

300
00:12:07,172 --> 00:12:09,606
- Thanks, man.
- Good for you. Get your house in order.

301
00:12:09,608 --> 00:12:11,408
Hey. Chipper.

302
00:12:11,410 --> 00:12:13,543
I don't know how much of that
you heard a minute ago,

303
00:12:13,545 --> 00:12:15,679
but as always, bro code, all right?

304
00:12:15,681 --> 00:12:17,547
Oh, by the way.

305
00:12:17,549 --> 00:12:19,816
You look like a friggin' Backstreet Boy.

306
00:12:24,155 --> 00:12:25,455
What am I gonna do about Gary?

307
00:12:25,457 --> 00:12:26,623
Don't get involved.

308
00:12:26,625 --> 00:12:28,391
Ah, well, the old me
wouldn't have, but now,

309
00:12:28,393 --> 00:12:30,360
I'm gonna have to consult
my priest about it.

310
00:12:30,362 --> 00:12:31,595
- Oh, you got a priest?
- Yep.

311
00:12:31,597 --> 00:12:33,764
Good idea. Ask him, then.

312
00:12:33,766 --> 00:12:36,466
Nobody knows marriage like
guys that can't get married.

313
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,070
I'll take one of those, too.

314
00:12:40,072 --> 00:12:42,305
I am having the worst day.

315
00:12:42,307 --> 00:12:44,574
I just went down to the parking
garage to get my purse.

316
00:12:44,576 --> 00:12:47,310
Giant dent on the hood of my Fiesta.

317
00:12:50,041 --> 00:12:52,215
- But it's also legal.
- Oh, it is?

318
00:12:52,217 --> 00:12:53,750
- Yeah.
- Hey.

319
00:12:53,752 --> 00:12:54,933
Thanks for meeting me. Okay.

320
00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:57,387
So that guy Gary I was telling
you about, the one who cheats?

321
00:12:57,389 --> 00:12:59,185
His wife is friends
with my wife, who's about

322
00:12:59,210 --> 00:13:01,508
to be here any minute because
I'm taking her out to dinner

323
00:13:01,533 --> 00:13:03,516
to celebrate the pending birth
of my probably son.

324
00:13:03,563 --> 00:13:04,861
So biblically, what should I do?

325
00:13:07,424 --> 00:13:09,399
Hi, I'm Rabbi Gil Ableman.

326
00:13:09,401 --> 00:13:11,038
- Hey.
- How are you?

327
00:13:11,063 --> 00:13:12,991
- Good.
- I've never met anyone at the beginning

328
00:13:13,016 --> 00:13:14,146
of a psychotic break before.

329
00:13:14,171 --> 00:13:15,296
I always catch the tail end.

330
00:13:15,321 --> 00:13:16,330
Huh.

331
00:13:16,355 --> 00:13:17,432
Hola, Chip, I see you took

332
00:13:17,457 --> 00:13:19,442
my "no mixed fabrics" notes...

333
00:13:19,444 --> 00:13:21,812
with a vengeance.

334
00:13:21,814 --> 00:13:24,247
I should've been more clear;
it doesn't have to be all white.

335
00:13:24,249 --> 00:13:26,483
You can just wear, like, 100% cotton.

336
00:13:26,485 --> 00:13:27,684
Or all denim.

337
00:13:27,686 --> 00:13:30,086
That's a sexy look.

338
00:13:30,088 --> 00:13:31,588
As for your dilemma,

339
00:13:31,590 --> 00:13:34,291
the Bible says you're supposed
to stone adulterers.

340
00:13:34,293 --> 00:13:36,860
But of course, you're not
gonna be doing that in 2018,

341
00:13:36,862 --> 00:13:38,228
'cause of jail.

342
00:13:40,098 --> 00:13:41,665
You know, this may come as a shock,

343
00:13:41,667 --> 00:13:43,667
but my people would say
to stay out of it.

344
00:13:43,669 --> 00:13:46,291
The Talmud states that
evil gossip kills three, right?

345
00:13:46,316 --> 00:13:49,156
The one who says it, the one who
listens, and the subject of the gossip.

346
00:13:49,181 --> 00:13:50,953
So in other words,
you really can't win here,

347
00:13:50,978 --> 00:13:52,719
and you may have just killed us all.

348
00:13:52,744 --> 00:13:54,711
Oh, hey. So, uh, guys?

349
00:13:54,713 --> 00:13:56,580
If you guys could just make
my new lifestyle

350
00:13:56,582 --> 00:13:58,014
seem as normal to her as possible,

351
00:13:58,016 --> 00:13:59,703
that would really
help me out tremendously.

352
00:13:59,728 --> 00:14:01,883
We'll try, but you look
like Diane Keaton.

353
00:14:03,355 --> 00:14:04,788
Hey.

354
00:14:04,790 --> 00:14:06,223
You must be

355
00:14:06,225 --> 00:14:08,258
the most patient woman
in the history of time.

356
00:14:09,494 --> 00:14:11,127
Pretty much, yeah.

357
00:14:11,129 --> 00:14:12,616
And you're Chip's priest.

358
00:14:12,641 --> 00:14:13,684
Oh, feels weird

359
00:14:13,709 --> 00:14:15,332
saying "Chip's priest"

360
00:14:15,334 --> 00:14:17,300
I consider Chip Catholic in the same way

361
00:14:17,302 --> 00:14:19,369
I consider the Olive Garden Italian.

362
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,006
I'm Rabbi Gil.

363
00:14:23,008 --> 00:14:25,976
- Leslie.
- And how are you, uh, handling

364
00:14:25,978 --> 00:14:27,232
Chip's totally normal new life?

365
00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:28,456
See, I got you, bubbie.

366
00:14:30,182 --> 00:14:33,250
Well, I am not religious
at all, and he's approaching

367
00:14:33,252 --> 00:14:35,585
"clipboard outside of
Trader Joe's" religious,

368
00:14:35,587 --> 00:14:38,922
so I am not sure how we're
gonna raise a kid together.

369
00:14:38,924 --> 00:14:41,524
But other than that... yeah.

370
00:14:41,526 --> 00:14:43,026
Listen, you both want your child

371
00:14:43,028 --> 00:14:44,828
to be a kind and loving
human being, right?

372
00:14:44,830 --> 00:14:46,496
- Yes.
- Absolutely.

373
00:14:46,498 --> 00:14:48,736
Then raise it th way.
The world needs more of those.

374
00:14:49,019 --> 00:14:50,652
And if you need to snip-snip,
you know...

375
00:14:52,271 --> 00:14:54,437
You can Yelp me.

376
00:14:54,439 --> 00:14:55,605
That's great. Thank you.

377
00:14:55,607 --> 00:14:57,307
- Um, we're late for dinner.
- Yes.

378
00:14:57,309 --> 00:15:00,176
It was so great meeting you
guys, but mama need pasta.

379
00:15:00,178 --> 00:15:02,379
Gene, I got your number.

380
00:15:02,381 --> 00:15:03,647
Happy to help, Chip.

381
00:15:03,649 --> 00:15:05,582
You two are his answer guys now.

382
00:15:05,584 --> 00:15:08,351
His, um, God Squad, if you will.

383
00:15:08,353 --> 00:15:09,619
Oh!

384
00:15:10,856 --> 00:15:12,722
Will you look at this? Huh?

385
00:15:12,724 --> 00:15:15,392
A priest, a rabbi, a lapsed
Catholic and a nonbeliever

386
00:15:15,394 --> 00:15:18,228
walk into a bar and...

387
00:15:18,230 --> 00:15:20,063
... th-they make new friends.

388
00:15:21,433 --> 00:15:23,733
And I know the instinct
is to make me the Ross

389
00:15:23,735 --> 00:15:25,201
because I'm somewhat Jewish,

390
00:15:25,203 --> 00:15:27,304
but I'm really more of a Chandler,

391
00:15:27,306 --> 00:15:29,272
and let me tell you why.

392
00:15:32,678 --> 00:15:34,044
- Ooh.
- Ah.

393
00:15:34,046 --> 00:15:35,378
Mm-hmm.

394
00:15:35,380 --> 00:15:37,280
None for me. Gluttony.

395
00:15:37,282 --> 00:15:39,516
One of the seven deadlies.

396
00:15:39,518 --> 00:15:41,384
Brad Pitt. "What's in the box"

397
00:15:41,386 --> 00:15:43,987
Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
You saw the film.

398
00:15:43,989 --> 00:15:45,922
Hey, more for mama.

399
00:15:45,924 --> 00:15:47,791
I've been calling myself
"mama" a lot lately.

400
00:15:49,528 --> 00:15:51,394
You're glowing already, you know that?

401
00:15:51,396 --> 00:15:52,796
This ol' thing?

402
00:15:52,798 --> 00:15:54,597
Hey, you're glowing, too.

403
00:15:54,599 --> 00:15:57,694
It makes me so happy to see you
charged up about life again.

404
00:15:57,719 --> 00:15:58,735
- Hmm.
- It's been awhile.

405
00:15:58,737 --> 00:16:00,437
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

406
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,640
- Oh, you got to be kidding me.
- What?

407
00:16:03,642 --> 00:16:06,309
What are you looking at?
Wait, that's Gary.

408
00:16:06,311 --> 00:16:08,611
That's Gary and that's not Tracy.

409
00:16:08,613 --> 00:16:10,313
Who is that girl?

410
00:16:10,315 --> 00:16:12,244
Okay, just, let's calm down.

411
00:16:12,269 --> 00:16:13,416
"Calm down"?

412
00:16:13,418 --> 00:16:15,629
I'm pregnant, dude. I'm calming up.

413
00:16:15,654 --> 00:16:17,479
- Come over here with me.
- Oh, please, don't.

414
00:16:17,504 --> 00:16:18,855
Yep.

415
00:16:18,857 --> 00:16:21,458
Hey, Gare. What...

416
00:16:21,460 --> 00:16:22,926
Hey.

417
00:16:22,928 --> 00:16:24,719
Chip. Leslie.

418
00:16:24,744 --> 00:16:25,795
Yeah.

419
00:16:25,797 --> 00:16:28,498
Oh, this is, uh, Josie, my assistant.

420
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,100
Tell her, Chip.

421
00:16:30,102 --> 00:16:33,269
Tell her how they gave me
an assistant down at the paper.

422
00:16:33,271 --> 00:16:35,338
Uh, so, they're... wait,
so they're firing people

423
00:16:35,340 --> 00:16:37,273
left and right,
and they gave you an assistant?

424
00:16:37,275 --> 00:16:39,376
Yeah, yeah.

425
00:16:39,378 --> 00:16:41,811
Isn't that right... bro?

426
00:16:41,813 --> 00:16:43,847
Yeah.

427
00:16:43,849 --> 00:16:45,982
Brah.

428
00:16:45,984 --> 00:16:48,752
Is Josie here Gary's assistant?

429
00:16:49,955 --> 00:16:52,422
Hey, Chipper, answer your wife, man.

430
00:16:54,326 --> 00:16:56,226
Chip, baby.

431
00:16:56,228 --> 00:16:58,995
What are you doing with that rock?

432
00:17:02,534 --> 00:17:04,067
I don't want...

433
00:17:05,237 --> 00:17:06,836
Ow! What the hell, man?!

434
00:17:06,838 --> 00:17:09,706
You still think we aren't
gonna have any fun?!

435
00:17:19,499 --> 00:17:21,399
Hey, Gary's not here yet, is he?

436
00:17:21,424 --> 00:17:24,491
No one's asked me to smell
or pull his finger yet, so nope.

437
00:17:28,310 --> 00:17:30,043
Oh, no.

438
00:17:30,045 --> 00:17:31,378
What's up? What's it say?

439
00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:33,647
"See me."

440
00:17:33,649 --> 00:17:35,282
Dang.

441
00:17:35,878 --> 00:17:37,351
Please, don't fire me.

442
00:17:37,353 --> 00:17:38,852
I am sure that you have rules

443
00:17:38,854 --> 00:17:41,021
about throwing a rock
at a coworker, but...

444
00:17:41,023 --> 00:17:43,490
Wait, you threw a rock at a coworker?

445
00:17:43,492 --> 00:17:45,526
You threw a rock at a coworker?!

446
00:17:45,528 --> 00:17:48,226
Chip, I wanted to see
you because everybody

447
00:17:48,251 --> 00:17:51,571
is out of control arguing about
this Bible thing you're doing.

448
00:17:51,596 --> 00:17:54,034
The janitor just called
me a punk-ass bitch.

449
00:17:55,638 --> 00:17:57,196
I am so sorry.

450
00:17:57,221 --> 00:17:58,772
Are you kidding? I love it.

451
00:17:58,774 --> 00:18:01,642
I haven't seen the office
this fired up about something

452
00:18:01,667 --> 00:18:04,444
since Brenda's top fell off
at the Christmas party.

453
00:18:05,370 --> 00:18:07,548
I have got to start going
to the Christmas party.

454
00:18:08,234 --> 00:18:11,618
How would you like to write
about your journey, Chip?

455
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:13,887
Well, what are we talking about here?

456
00:18:13,889 --> 00:18:15,854
Three additional articles a week.

457
00:18:15,879 --> 00:18:17,479
And more money, of course.

458
00:18:17,504 --> 00:18:19,271
Hey, I want more money.

459
00:18:19,693 --> 00:18:22,796
You come out of the vents or something?

460
00:18:22,798 --> 00:18:25,032
Go.

461
00:18:25,034 --> 00:18:26,433
Yes, I'll do it.

462
00:18:26,435 --> 00:18:27,801
I mean, thank you.

463
00:18:27,803 --> 00:18:29,883
Maybe it'll even help out the community.

464
00:18:29,908 --> 00:18:31,564
Oh, no, I don't care
about the community.

465
00:18:31,589 --> 00:18:32,906
I just want to sell more papers.

466
00:18:33,578 --> 00:18:35,375
You are gonna do great, Chip.

467
00:18:35,377 --> 00:18:36,978
I always thought you had more in you

468
00:18:37,003 --> 00:18:39,012
- than just those film reviews.
- Oh.

469
00:18:39,014 --> 00:18:40,948
You are the best writer here.

470
00:18:40,950 --> 00:18:42,716
Hey, what about me?

471
00:18:42,718 --> 00:18:45,052
You write obituaries, Cheryl.

472
00:18:48,519 --> 00:18:49,573
Bible, baby!

473
00:18:52,494 --> 00:18:54,509
Hey, I got something
to say to you, maniac.

474
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:55,906
Hang on. Hang on. About the stone,

475
00:18:55,931 --> 00:18:57,764
- I don't know what I was thinking.
- Thanks.

476
00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,800
Did you say, "thanks"?

477
00:19:00,822 --> 00:19:02,603
I told Tracy everything.

478
00:19:03,572 --> 00:19:05,955
I've been a bad person.

479
00:19:06,431 --> 00:19:08,108
We're gonna go to counseling.

480
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,944
So... thanks.

481
00:19:12,181 --> 00:19:15,749
But I'm still real pissed at you, bro.

482
00:19:18,916 --> 00:19:20,153
Bible, baby.

483
00:19:21,088 --> 00:19:23,891
You're making more money,
you're happier,

484
00:19:23,893 --> 00:19:26,490
and you got to hit Gary
in the face with a rock?

485
00:19:27,803 --> 00:19:30,545
I might have to try this
Bible thing out my damn self.

486
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,901
- Darn self.
- Darn self. Yeah.

487
00:19:47,257 --> 00:19:49,757
Ah, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.

488
00:19:50,149 --> 00:19:52,088
And I know you're up there in Heaven,

489
00:19:52,132 --> 00:19:54,533
regardless of what your mom says.

490
00:19:57,100 --> 00:19:58,849
All right, well,

491
00:19:58,874 --> 00:20:01,241
you probably got a Prince
concert you're going to

492
00:20:01,848 --> 00:20:04,804
with John Candy
or something cool like that.

493
00:20:07,343 --> 00:20:09,177
I love you, buddy.

494
00:20:10,554 --> 00:20:11,556
Big time.

495
00:20:28,938 --> 00:20:30,938
Synced and corrected by Pisuly
www.addic7ed.com