1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:05,015 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:10,697 --> 00:00:16,630 _ 3 00:02:23,708 --> 00:02:29,794 _ 4 00:02:47,030 --> 00:02:52,997 "Dear diary: Yesterday's lunchtime poll asked, 'Who are you?' 5 00:02:53,030 --> 00:02:54,763 And the weird thing is, 6 00:02:54,830 --> 00:02:57,763 everyone at Westerburg had an answer. 7 00:02:57,830 --> 00:02:59,763 The jock table all said they were brave, 8 00:02:59,830 --> 00:03:02,197 the gay nerd table all said they were true, 9 00:03:02,263 --> 00:03:04,830 and the slut table all said they were open. 10 00:03:04,897 --> 00:03:06,439 "When it finally came my turn, Heather C. 11 00:03:06,463 --> 00:03:07,597 turned to me and said... " 12 00:03:07,663 --> 00:03:09,197 Well, come on, Veronica. 13 00:03:09,263 --> 00:03:10,630 Who are you? 14 00:03:10,697 --> 00:03:12,630 "And I told her... 15 00:03:12,697 --> 00:03:14,630 I didn't know. 16 00:03:14,697 --> 00:03:16,397 So she answered for me. 17 00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:19,197 She said I was once a basic-cable bitch, 18 00:03:19,263 --> 00:03:22,197 but now, with her help, I'm actually... 19 00:03:22,263 --> 00:03:25,597 Really just... " 20 00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:30,497 Who is Veronica Sawyer? 21 00:03:30,563 --> 00:03:32,397 Who am I? 22 00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:34,597 Uh... I don't know, 23 00:03:34,663 --> 00:03:38,030 I mean, I... I guess... 24 00:03:38,097 --> 00:03:39,263 I'm a good person. 25 00:03:39,330 --> 00:03:40,630 Good person? 26 00:03:40,697 --> 00:03:42,830 Veronica! 27 00:03:42,897 --> 00:03:44,397 Good person's not gonna cut it. 28 00:03:44,463 --> 00:03:47,630 We are trying for Ivy leagues here. 29 00:03:47,697 --> 00:03:49,630 They need to know your identity. 30 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,030 Your brand. 31 00:03:51,097 --> 00:03:53,030 What makes Veronica... 32 00:03:53,097 --> 00:03:54,563 Veronica. 33 00:03:54,630 --> 00:03:57,397 I'm loyal. I think... 34 00:03:57,463 --> 00:03:58,763 I think I'm a good friend. 35 00:04:00,997 --> 00:04:04,897 - I'm half Jewish. - It's not the '80s, Veronica. 36 00:04:04,997 --> 00:04:07,263 I suppose we can try for Remington. 37 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,897 What? No. Remington? 38 00:04:08,997 --> 00:04:11,097 That's... no, I... I have a 4.2, 39 00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:13,397 and I got a 1510 on my SATs. 40 00:04:13,463 --> 00:04:16,597 By any chance, are you a hermaphrodite? 41 00:04:16,663 --> 00:04:18,697 - No. - Damn. 42 00:04:18,763 --> 00:04:22,397 Look, it's all about the personal essay now. 43 00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:24,697 And it's called "personal" 44 00:04:24,763 --> 00:04:28,263 because they need to know who you are. 45 00:04:28,330 --> 00:04:30,139 Well, I mean, I'm 17, isn't it kind of the point 46 00:04:30,163 --> 00:04:32,463 that I don't know who I am yet? 47 00:04:32,530 --> 00:04:35,097 No, Veronica, it's not the point. 48 00:04:35,163 --> 00:04:36,330 Not in today's market. 49 00:04:36,397 --> 00:04:37,897 Look, just give me something 50 00:04:37,997 --> 00:04:39,097 so I can help you. 51 00:04:39,163 --> 00:04:42,897 Fine. Uh... what about this? 52 00:04:42,997 --> 00:04:46,263 Veronica Sawyer is literally nothing. 53 00:04:59,330 --> 00:05:00,730 Hi, Veronica! 54 00:05:00,797 --> 00:05:03,063 Hey! Betty. 55 00:05:04,597 --> 00:05:05,663 Um... 56 00:05:07,563 --> 00:05:10,863 Hey, sorry that I... I missed your recital. 57 00:05:10,997 --> 00:05:13,797 Oh, you didn't miss anything. It was awful. 58 00:05:13,863 --> 00:05:16,530 Come on. Don't say that. 59 00:05:16,597 --> 00:05:17,996 Oh, my God. 60 00:05:17,997 --> 00:05:20,297 Is that us from third grade? 61 00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:22,763 You always had to be blue. 62 00:05:22,830 --> 00:05:25,763 Veronica, Heather Chandler is looking for you. 63 00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:31,730 Well, duty calls. 64 00:05:34,230 --> 00:05:36,330 Even when I wanted to be blue. 65 00:06:45,630 --> 00:06:47,230 Well, suck my third nipple. 66 00:06:47,297 --> 00:06:49,763 If it isn't Veronica Sawyer four minutes late. 67 00:06:49,830 --> 00:06:52,030 Yeah, sorry, I got cornered by Fleming. 68 00:06:52,097 --> 00:06:55,030 - How Banana Republic. - It's ironic, Heather. 69 00:06:55,097 --> 00:06:57,830 We're not doing irony anymore. Keep up. 70 00:06:57,897 --> 00:06:59,439 Now, you won't believe what Heather spotted. 71 00:06:59,463 --> 00:07:01,463 It's so gorgeous-tragic, you'll die. 72 00:07:01,530 --> 00:07:03,297 So, I was walking through B-Hall, and... 73 00:07:03,363 --> 00:07:05,239 God, Heather, are we already making this about you? 74 00:07:05,263 --> 00:07:07,663 Everyone's saying Heather Chandler is gonna confront Ram. 75 00:07:07,730 --> 00:07:08,863 I love her. 76 00:07:08,997 --> 00:07:10,797 She was amazing in "Our Town." 77 00:07:10,863 --> 00:07:12,739 Hey, Heather, my parents are away, and I'm having... 78 00:07:12,763 --> 00:07:14,097 Don't. 79 00:07:17,697 --> 00:07:19,730 Ram. Where's Kurt? 80 00:07:24,363 --> 00:07:27,463 Anyway, what does your shirt say, Ram? 81 00:07:30,363 --> 00:07:32,897 It says Remington Squaws. 82 00:07:32,997 --> 00:07:34,863 Yeah. 83 00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:37,297 Stand up. 84 00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:45,863 "Squaws"? 85 00:07:45,997 --> 00:07:47,506 Don't you think that's a bit offensive? 86 00:07:47,530 --> 00:07:50,897 Dylen Lutz is 1/16 First Nations peoples. 87 00:07:50,997 --> 00:07:53,163 Uh, it's cool. Honestly, I didn't even notice. 88 00:07:53,230 --> 00:07:54,597 This isn't about you, qwat. 89 00:07:56,030 --> 00:07:59,230 Take off the shirt, jock. 90 00:08:02,863 --> 00:08:04,497 Right here? 91 00:08:04,563 --> 00:08:06,996 Did Heather stutter? Take it off, now. 92 00:08:06,997 --> 00:08:09,530 No, okay, come on, Heather, just leave him alone. 93 00:08:09,597 --> 00:08:12,597 Why are you being such hose trash right now, Veronica? 94 00:08:12,663 --> 00:08:14,263 - You gotta take off your... - I'm not... 95 00:08:14,297 --> 00:08:16,996 If we don't call out the literal Auschwitz of hate 96 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,530 that goes on at Westerburg on a daily basis, 97 00:08:19,597 --> 00:08:22,163 then who will? 98 00:08:26,430 --> 00:08:29,030 Take it off. 99 00:08:40,297 --> 00:08:43,663 Now, how does it feel to be a part of the 21st century? 100 00:08:45,797 --> 00:08:46,797 Cold. 101 00:08:46,798 --> 00:08:47,996 Now, for your penance, 102 00:08:47,997 --> 00:08:51,263 I need you to go ask Jesus Julie if she'll do anal with you. 103 00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:52,597 - Oh! - Oh, my God. 104 00:08:52,663 --> 00:08:55,563 Jesus Julie? No. No. No way. 105 00:08:55,630 --> 00:09:00,230 Do it, or I post this to my 245,000 followers, 106 00:09:00,297 --> 00:09:03,330 several of whom literally write for blogs in New York and LA. 107 00:09:03,397 --> 00:09:04,797 Which means your racist ass 108 00:09:04,863 --> 00:09:07,230 will be a viral casualty by fifth period. 109 00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:08,797 And then say good-bye to whatever 110 00:09:08,863 --> 00:09:12,363 date-rapey scholarship you're getting from Remington, Ram. 111 00:09:12,430 --> 00:09:13,797 - Yeah, Ram. - Shut up, Heather. 112 00:09:13,863 --> 00:09:15,430 Yeah, shut up, Heather. 113 00:09:15,497 --> 00:09:17,073 Heather, only I tell Heather "shut up." 114 00:09:17,097 --> 00:09:18,530 Oh, yeah. 115 00:09:20,863 --> 00:09:22,030 Okay. 116 00:09:42,863 --> 00:09:44,530 I'm gonna get a soda. 117 00:09:53,863 --> 00:09:55,163 Meet the new boss. 118 00:09:55,230 --> 00:09:58,497 Same as the old boss. Your friends are... 119 00:09:58,563 --> 00:10:00,230 That same great high school bitch taste 120 00:10:00,297 --> 00:10:03,430 you've come to hate but now... in a new, 121 00:10:03,497 --> 00:10:05,963 environmentally friendly packaging. 122 00:10:06,030 --> 00:10:07,830 So why do you hang out with them? 123 00:10:07,897 --> 00:10:09,430 It's high school. 124 00:10:09,497 --> 00:10:11,363 Why do we do anything that we do? 125 00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:13,230 Fair point. 126 00:10:13,297 --> 00:10:15,430 I'm JD. 127 00:10:15,497 --> 00:10:17,230 Yeah, I know who you are. 128 00:10:17,297 --> 00:10:18,597 Transferred from Washington, 129 00:10:18,663 --> 00:10:20,763 after you got kicked out of Jefferson. 130 00:10:20,830 --> 00:10:22,797 And now I'm here at Westerburg, 131 00:10:22,863 --> 00:10:25,230 where the only thing that's changed 132 00:10:25,297 --> 00:10:27,397 is the number of metal detectors. 133 00:10:29,297 --> 00:10:30,963 I like your whole rebel thing. 134 00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:32,797 I'm not a rebel, Veronica. 135 00:10:32,863 --> 00:10:34,230 Okay. 136 00:10:34,297 --> 00:10:36,230 So what are you then? 137 00:10:36,297 --> 00:10:38,897 'Cause everybody's gotta be something. 138 00:10:38,963 --> 00:10:41,597 Do they? I'm white. I'm black. 139 00:10:41,663 --> 00:10:43,997 I'm pro-gun. I'm queer. I'm post-queer. 140 00:10:44,063 --> 00:10:46,897 I'm a post-queer, pro-gun Latino. 141 00:10:46,963 --> 00:10:49,230 Blah, blah, blah. Look. 142 00:10:49,297 --> 00:10:52,230 Despite the box we check on our college applications, 143 00:10:52,297 --> 00:10:55,597 my dear, we still all end up worm food 144 00:10:55,663 --> 00:11:00,063 in that great Corn Nut landfill in the sky. 145 00:11:02,997 --> 00:11:05,997 So you checked off "overdramatic loser"? 146 00:11:06,063 --> 00:11:08,063 Take a look around, Ms. Sawyer. 147 00:11:08,130 --> 00:11:10,297 What do you see? 148 00:11:10,363 --> 00:11:12,497 An entire generation raised to love 149 00:11:12,563 --> 00:11:15,097 and accept ourselves no matter what, 150 00:11:15,163 --> 00:11:16,863 without ever realizing that sometimes, 151 00:11:16,997 --> 00:11:21,297 a little self-hatred is good for the soul. 152 00:11:24,163 --> 00:11:25,330 How just. 153 00:11:25,397 --> 00:11:28,497 - Mm. - Mm. 154 00:11:32,872 --> 00:11:33,794 JD? 155 00:11:35,163 --> 00:11:36,663 Yeah, he's new. 156 00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:38,139 And I'm sure I'd let him suck me off, 157 00:11:38,163 --> 00:11:40,663 but Veronica, he's in high school. 158 00:11:40,730 --> 00:11:42,997 Hey! No girls in the girls restroom! 159 00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:48,163 What do you think? 160 00:11:51,130 --> 00:11:54,297 You know, what if the next truly revolutionary thing 161 00:11:54,363 --> 00:11:56,863 was just to be totally normal? 162 00:11:56,997 --> 00:11:58,497 God, Veronica. 163 00:11:58,563 --> 00:12:00,730 How come you're always Snape-ing everyone's jizz? 164 00:12:00,797 --> 00:12:04,630 Come on, I'll buy you a slushy. 165 00:12:07,497 --> 00:12:09,730 Yeah, the thing about LeBron's game is, 166 00:12:09,797 --> 00:12:11,996 it's actually more of an all-around game, 167 00:12:11,997 --> 00:12:13,730 whereas Steph Curry's just a shooter. 168 00:12:15,230 --> 00:12:19,363 Ugh. Oh. The mix is off. 169 00:12:19,430 --> 00:12:21,563 Yeah, well, I told you to get blue. 170 00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:30,163 Oh. My. Clit. 171 00:12:30,230 --> 00:12:34,163 Is that Heather McNamara with... with Mr. Waters? 172 00:12:34,230 --> 00:12:37,163 Heather Chandler is going to shit herself skinny 173 00:12:37,230 --> 00:12:39,163 when she finds out our black lesbian friend 174 00:12:39,230 --> 00:12:40,996 is actually only black. 175 00:12:40,997 --> 00:12:44,563 No, Heather, don't send that to Heather. 176 00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:47,763 I'm not a monster, Veronica. God. 177 00:12:55,197 --> 00:12:56,996 Eight million refugees. 178 00:12:56,997 --> 00:12:58,197 What a shame. 179 00:12:58,263 --> 00:13:00,797 Look at that poor, poor dog. 180 00:13:03,263 --> 00:13:04,630 Ugh. 181 00:13:12,263 --> 00:13:15,997 Great hummus, but... I gotta Tesla. 182 00:13:16,030 --> 00:13:19,063 How come I can never get these little boxes to go away? 183 00:13:19,130 --> 00:13:20,830 It's 'cause you're an idiot, Dad. 184 00:13:20,897 --> 00:13:22,630 Oh, yeah. 185 00:13:22,697 --> 00:13:24,797 That's it. 186 00:13:24,863 --> 00:13:26,997 You two. 187 00:13:27,063 --> 00:13:28,797 Oh. Did you see this cat? 188 00:13:30,630 --> 00:13:32,797 Your first Koenig party. 189 00:13:32,863 --> 00:13:34,797 Now, seriously, Veronica, half the guys here 190 00:13:34,863 --> 00:13:36,463 have already been profiled in "Kinfolk," 191 00:13:36,497 --> 00:13:37,997 so please don't embarrass me. 192 00:13:38,063 --> 00:13:40,230 Yeah, I promise, I'm not gonna act impressed 193 00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:43,230 by anything or anyone. 194 00:13:46,297 --> 00:13:48,230 I need a hot pic in front of this piece. 195 00:13:53,697 --> 00:13:56,197 Smile. 196 00:14:02,997 --> 00:14:07,263 Centered? God, you can be such an UGG boot latte sometimes. 197 00:14:13,263 --> 00:14:15,697 I made you, Veronica. 198 00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:18,497 You were nothing before you met me. 199 00:14:18,563 --> 00:14:20,797 You were a cheerleader. 200 00:14:20,863 --> 00:14:22,697 You were a rich girl. 201 00:14:22,763 --> 00:14:25,063 You were playing croquet with Betty Finn, 202 00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:28,330 and this... this is how you repay me? 203 00:14:29,997 --> 00:14:32,063 Wake up, Veronica. 204 00:14:32,130 --> 00:14:34,497 Jacob just asked you what you thought of this piece. 205 00:14:34,563 --> 00:14:38,497 I find it to be very "art student." 206 00:14:38,563 --> 00:14:41,297 Well, you guys are all art students, right? 207 00:14:41,363 --> 00:14:43,297 If you're gonna openly be a flooze... 208 00:14:43,363 --> 00:14:46,297 Oh, my God, there's Amita. Amita! 209 00:14:50,697 --> 00:14:52,597 Hey, do you have a car? 210 00:14:52,663 --> 00:14:54,330 Yeah. Why? 211 00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:58,697 Is it any good? 212 00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:04,130 - _ - No way! 213 00:15:04,197 --> 00:15:07,130 Making it very clear I stopped as soon as I heard the word "no." 214 00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:10,163 How noble. 215 00:15:10,230 --> 00:15:12,097 It was really nice meeting you. 216 00:15:16,130 --> 00:15:20,563 It's so sculptural. 217 00:15:20,630 --> 00:15:22,297 What is your father wound, Heather? 218 00:15:22,363 --> 00:15:23,763 Veronica! 219 00:15:23,830 --> 00:15:25,863 Can't you see I was talking about art? 220 00:15:25,997 --> 00:15:27,996 No, you posted that pic of Ram wearing the jersey. 221 00:15:27,997 --> 00:15:29,997 Isn't it just? 222 00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:31,997 No. His life is gonna be ruined. 223 00:15:32,030 --> 00:15:34,563 Why are you being so toasty, Veronica? 224 00:15:34,630 --> 00:15:36,563 I'm helping him. 225 00:15:36,630 --> 00:15:38,563 Sure, his life will suck for a few weeks, 226 00:15:38,630 --> 00:15:40,130 and maybe he'll lose his scholarship 227 00:15:40,197 --> 00:15:41,597 and won't be able to go to college, 228 00:15:41,630 --> 00:15:42,996 but in the end, he'll realize 229 00:15:42,997 --> 00:15:44,563 that disrespecting disadvantaged people 230 00:15:44,630 --> 00:15:46,397 by wearing that shirt is wrong. 231 00:15:46,463 --> 00:15:47,806 Yeah, I think he got that when you embarrassed him 232 00:15:47,830 --> 00:15:49,197 in the cafeteria, Heather. 233 00:15:50,997 --> 00:15:52,763 I let you slide because 234 00:15:52,830 --> 00:15:54,563 you're half Jewish and this is Ohio, 235 00:15:54,630 --> 00:15:57,563 but, news flash, no one cares anymore. 236 00:16:00,897 --> 00:16:05,197 You know what you are, Veronica? 237 00:16:05,263 --> 00:16:07,230 You're nothing. 238 00:16:07,297 --> 00:16:09,197 Well, at least I'm a good person. 239 00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,397 A good person? 240 00:16:14,463 --> 00:16:16,497 Grow up, Veronica. 241 00:16:19,030 --> 00:16:21,997 You're Panera. 242 00:16:22,063 --> 00:16:23,997 You're Sbarro. 243 00:16:24,063 --> 00:16:25,830 You're Cheesecake Factory! 244 00:16:31,897 --> 00:16:33,997 You backbench skange! 245 00:16:34,063 --> 00:16:36,130 No, no, no, that was an accident! 246 00:16:36,197 --> 00:16:39,630 You spilled art all over my brand-new pussy shirt! 247 00:16:39,697 --> 00:16:41,630 Well, then, lick it up, fatty. 248 00:16:41,697 --> 00:16:44,430 Lick... it... up. 249 00:16:47,063 --> 00:16:50,996 Did you just fat-shame me? In public? 250 00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:57,197 Once everyone hears about this, you're history. 251 00:16:57,263 --> 00:17:00,897 Delete your Snapchat, delete your Instagram, 252 00:17:00,997 --> 00:17:02,697 download a fire extinguishing app, 253 00:17:02,763 --> 00:17:07,197 because Veronica Sawyer is about to get flamed. 254 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,413 "Dear diary: I know what you're thinking. 255 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,240 'Calm down, Veronica. It's only high school. 256 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,047 It doesn't mean anything.' 257 00:17:18,507 --> 00:17:21,200 But you don't know what it's like nowadays. 258 00:17:21,270 --> 00:17:24,203 Anything she posts about me will be cement. 259 00:17:24,270 --> 00:17:26,637 Every school, every job I apply to, 260 00:17:26,703 --> 00:17:29,403 every guy I meet for the next 10,000 years, 261 00:17:29,470 --> 00:17:31,403 will all know me as the girl 262 00:17:31,470 --> 00:17:35,203 who fat-shamed Heather Chandler! 263 00:17:35,270 --> 00:17:37,603 I mean, congrats, society: we've given 264 00:17:37,670 --> 00:17:40,603 a random high school senior in Sherwood, Ohio, 265 00:17:40,670 --> 00:17:44,837 more power than... William Randolph Hearst! 266 00:17:44,903 --> 00:17:48,037 God, why did I call her a fatty? 267 00:17:48,137 --> 00:17:49,870 "I just wish Heather Chandler would die 268 00:17:49,937 --> 00:17:51,837 so I can finally be free." 269 00:17:58,270 --> 00:18:00,137 Saludes y saludos, my dear. 270 00:18:00,203 --> 00:18:02,037 JD, what are you doing here? 271 00:18:03,937 --> 00:18:07,270 Oh, no, shit, give that... back. 272 00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:09,303 What do you want, JD? 273 00:18:09,370 --> 00:18:12,137 We're young. We're free. 274 00:18:12,170 --> 00:18:14,937 Let's snort Adderall, make out, and get slushies. 275 00:18:16,670 --> 00:18:18,270 Don't worry about it, Ram. 276 00:18:18,337 --> 00:18:20,303 It will all blow over in a few days. 277 00:18:20,370 --> 00:18:24,703 Hey, I got you some stuff to cheer you up. 278 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:27,470 Well, thanks, Kurt. Appreciate it. 279 00:18:27,537 --> 00:18:29,270 Mineral water. Thank you. 280 00:18:29,337 --> 00:18:30,703 A candy dish. 281 00:18:30,770 --> 00:18:33,670 A... postcard? Who is this? 282 00:18:33,737 --> 00:18:35,470 It's Joan Crawford. 283 00:18:35,537 --> 00:18:39,270 Okay, uh... "Stud Puppy"? 284 00:18:39,337 --> 00:18:42,203 Oh. That's for me. 285 00:18:45,737 --> 00:18:47,603 So where were you before here? 286 00:18:47,670 --> 00:18:52,270 Sherwood, Ohio... Alaska... 287 00:18:52,337 --> 00:18:55,270 Baton Rouge... and now... 288 00:18:55,337 --> 00:18:57,670 back to Sherwood, Ohio... 289 00:18:57,737 --> 00:19:00,537 and anytime, anywhere, 290 00:19:00,603 --> 00:19:04,537 there has always been a Snappy Snack Shack. 291 00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:07,170 I guess, um... 292 00:19:07,237 --> 00:19:10,770 corporate monotony keeps me sane. 293 00:19:10,837 --> 00:19:13,503 So are you, like, a military kid? 294 00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:16,170 Dad's in energy. 295 00:19:16,237 --> 00:19:18,470 Big Bud Oil and Gas. 296 00:19:18,537 --> 00:19:21,770 - Big Bud, like Big Bud Dean? - Mm-hmm. 297 00:19:21,837 --> 00:19:24,337 Like the fracking king of Ohio? 298 00:19:24,403 --> 00:19:25,970 Mm-hmm. 299 00:19:26,037 --> 00:19:27,579 Oh, my God, I think Heather dragged me 300 00:19:27,603 --> 00:19:29,770 to a protest at one of your dad's sites. 301 00:19:29,837 --> 00:19:32,703 And where is Sherwood's most influential teen this evening? 302 00:19:32,770 --> 00:19:35,970 Probably plotting my death. 303 00:19:36,037 --> 00:19:40,137 Yeah. Kind of embarrassed her at a Koenig party tonight. 304 00:19:40,203 --> 00:19:42,337 Congratulations. 305 00:19:42,403 --> 00:19:45,537 No, JD, a Koenig party's a big deal. 306 00:19:45,603 --> 00:19:47,170 Oh, I know. 307 00:19:47,237 --> 00:19:49,337 Bunch of uptight trust fund kids standing around 308 00:19:49,403 --> 00:19:52,337 analyzing the meaning of a pile of dirt. 309 00:19:52,403 --> 00:19:55,737 Actually, Ms. Sawyer, 310 00:19:55,803 --> 00:19:57,703 I bet I can beat a Koenig party. 311 00:19:57,770 --> 00:19:59,903 - Oh, can you? - Yeah. 312 00:19:59,970 --> 00:20:01,537 See, the thing about parties, my dear, 313 00:20:01,603 --> 00:20:04,970 is they're not about location. 314 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,603 They're about who you're with. 315 00:20:06,670 --> 00:20:10,970 And I bet I can throw a better party right here 316 00:20:11,037 --> 00:20:12,870 at Snappy Snack Shack. 317 00:20:12,937 --> 00:20:14,970 Party for two at the Shack? 318 00:20:15,037 --> 00:20:18,737 First thing every good party needs... 319 00:20:19,837 --> 00:20:20,937 Music. 320 00:20:23,837 --> 00:20:26,170 Next, libations. 321 00:20:26,237 --> 00:20:27,770 How do you take your slushy? 322 00:20:27,837 --> 00:20:31,837 We have... cherry or blue flavor. 323 00:20:31,903 --> 00:20:34,337 - Oh, why, blue favor, please. - Mm. 324 00:20:37,037 --> 00:20:41,537 And the last thing every good party needs... 325 00:20:45,403 --> 00:20:48,237 Atmosphere. 326 00:20:54,037 --> 00:20:56,170 So what do you think? 327 00:20:56,237 --> 00:20:58,970 I think your party's great, but... 328 00:21:00,870 --> 00:21:02,237 Let's get out of here? 329 00:21:19,670 --> 00:21:21,837 JD, why are we at Heather's house? 330 00:21:21,903 --> 00:21:23,837 We sneak in, put the hat on her head, 331 00:21:23,903 --> 00:21:25,403 snap a quick pic from her phone, 332 00:21:25,470 --> 00:21:27,837 and post it to her accounts with a simple "LOL," 333 00:21:27,903 --> 00:21:30,237 and walla, Heather Chandler learns 334 00:21:30,303 --> 00:21:32,003 a valuable after-school lesson. 335 00:21:32,137 --> 00:21:33,837 Where'd you get all this crap? 336 00:21:33,903 --> 00:21:35,403 Dad collects it. 337 00:21:35,470 --> 00:21:37,403 Says it reminds him of a simpler time. 338 00:21:37,470 --> 00:21:39,570 Gross. 339 00:21:40,803 --> 00:21:42,903 What are the pills for? 340 00:21:42,970 --> 00:21:45,570 Schattenselbst pills. They induce vomiting. 341 00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:47,903 Hitler carried them around in case he was poisoned. 342 00:21:47,970 --> 00:21:52,270 In the event we want to make things... 343 00:21:52,337 --> 00:21:53,737 messier. 344 00:21:55,137 --> 00:21:56,646 Okay, well, Heather's not just gonna 345 00:21:56,670 --> 00:21:59,237 swallow a pill 'cause you ask nicely. 346 00:21:59,303 --> 00:22:04,303 Ah. There is one thing the girl can't resist. 347 00:22:06,703 --> 00:22:09,170 Yeah, I don't know about this, JD. 348 00:22:09,237 --> 00:22:11,470 Come on, Veronica, don't think of it 349 00:22:11,537 --> 00:22:14,670 like you're hurting Heather Chandler. 350 00:22:14,737 --> 00:22:18,737 Think of it like you're helping everyone else. 351 00:22:26,170 --> 00:22:29,303 It's cool. Her parents are in Tulum. 352 00:22:52,737 --> 00:22:54,303 Okay, I'm done, let's just post it 353 00:22:54,370 --> 00:22:56,870 - and get out of here... - Not so fast. 354 00:22:56,937 --> 00:22:58,470 We have to take it from an angle 355 00:22:58,537 --> 00:23:01,537 so that it looks like a selfie. 356 00:23:03,970 --> 00:23:06,337 And a video for good measure. 357 00:23:11,603 --> 00:23:15,170 What the queef is this? 358 00:23:18,037 --> 00:23:19,137 Oh, wow. 359 00:23:19,203 --> 00:23:21,537 I get it. 360 00:23:21,603 --> 00:23:23,170 Prince Harry me as revenge. 361 00:23:23,237 --> 00:23:25,570 Grow up, Veronica. 362 00:23:25,637 --> 00:23:27,970 She told you about her little mishap, right? 363 00:23:28,037 --> 00:23:29,970 I'm sure she's been scribbling about it 364 00:23:30,037 --> 00:23:32,370 in her little diary all night. 365 00:23:34,237 --> 00:23:37,370 "Dear cruel world: Everyone thinks 366 00:23:37,437 --> 00:23:40,137 I have it so great, but the truth is, 367 00:23:40,203 --> 00:23:43,937 I'm worthless because I'm nothing." 368 00:23:46,503 --> 00:23:48,537 Give me my phone. 369 00:23:48,603 --> 00:23:50,703 First, a little dare. 370 00:23:53,337 --> 00:23:56,670 Down this bag in five seconds, and you get your phone back. 371 00:23:56,737 --> 00:23:57,937 I'm not gonna do something 372 00:23:58,003 --> 00:24:00,803 just because you dare me to, Snowden. 373 00:24:00,870 --> 00:24:02,803 Oh. I'm sorry. 374 00:24:02,870 --> 00:24:04,803 I didn't realize the great Heather Chandler 375 00:24:04,870 --> 00:24:06,937 was trying to lose weight. 376 00:24:09,137 --> 00:24:11,303 How dare you? 377 00:24:13,870 --> 00:24:16,303 Just give me the Corn Nuts. 378 00:24:51,137 --> 00:24:53,537 When's she supposed to throw up? 379 00:24:58,870 --> 00:25:01,670 - Shit. - No, what do you mean? 380 00:25:01,737 --> 00:25:04,503 I gave her the wrong pills. These are German suicide pills. 381 00:25:04,570 --> 00:25:06,136 I must've grabbed the wrong ones. 382 00:25:06,137 --> 00:25:07,670 What? 383 00:25:07,737 --> 00:25:09,503 You just killed my best friend! 384 00:25:09,570 --> 00:25:13,037 - You said you wanted her dead. - Metaphorically! 385 00:25:13,137 --> 00:25:14,303 Oh, my God. 386 00:25:16,937 --> 00:25:19,870 Oh, my God. 387 00:25:19,937 --> 00:25:22,503 I'm gonna be experimenting with lesbianism 388 00:25:22,570 --> 00:25:26,503 at San Quentin instead of Sarah Lawrence. 389 00:25:26,570 --> 00:25:28,303 I've got it. 390 00:25:28,370 --> 00:25:29,870 We make a suicide vid. 391 00:25:29,937 --> 00:25:31,870 How could anything be more "now"? 392 00:25:31,937 --> 00:25:33,703 No, JD, we've gotta call the police. 393 00:25:33,770 --> 00:25:36,303 Do you want to spend the rest of your life in prison? 394 00:25:36,370 --> 00:25:39,503 Look, as sad as it is, 395 00:25:39,570 --> 00:25:42,437 Heather Chandler is already gone. 396 00:25:42,503 --> 00:25:46,137 What is the point in ruining two more lives? 397 00:25:46,170 --> 00:25:48,137 Think of it as a statement. 398 00:25:48,203 --> 00:25:51,503 A little creative editing, and we have ourselves 399 00:25:51,570 --> 00:25:54,136 the perfect example of teenage angst 400 00:25:54,137 --> 00:25:59,136 for our sad, lonely, connected generation. 401 00:25:59,137 --> 00:26:01,137 Dear cruel world, 402 00:26:01,203 --> 00:26:03,137 everyone thinks I have it so great, 403 00:26:03,203 --> 00:26:05,570 but the truth is, I'm worthless 404 00:26:05,637 --> 00:26:07,370 because I'm nothing. 405 00:26:07,437 --> 00:26:10,737 Oh, my God. Why are we doing this? 406 00:26:10,803 --> 00:26:12,370 Okay, but just trim a few seconds. 407 00:26:12,437 --> 00:26:14,737 We'll get more hits if we keep it under ten. 408 00:26:14,803 --> 00:26:16,703 That's my girl. 409 00:26:16,770 --> 00:26:18,137 All right. 410 00:26:18,203 --> 00:26:23,170 Sad face emoji, pill emoji, and post. 411 00:26:23,237 --> 00:26:25,370 Now we just sit back and watch 412 00:26:25,437 --> 00:26:27,770 as the world consumes the tragedy 413 00:26:27,837 --> 00:26:30,136 of Heather Chandler. 414 00:26:30,137 --> 00:26:32,937 No, JD, what we just did is wrong. 415 00:26:33,003 --> 00:26:34,703 Don't you get that? 416 00:26:34,770 --> 00:26:36,737 Semantics, my dear. 417 00:26:36,803 --> 00:26:40,003 We're not avoiding taxes, we're the sharing economy. 418 00:26:40,137 --> 00:26:43,370 We're not destroying jobs, we're disrupting industries. 419 00:26:43,437 --> 00:26:46,170 And we didn't kill Heather Chandler, 420 00:26:46,237 --> 00:26:48,370 we simply offered her a new and exciting 421 00:26:48,437 --> 00:26:49,937 post-life experience. 422 00:26:50,003 --> 00:26:52,570 Babe... young minds like ourselves 423 00:26:52,637 --> 00:26:54,937 can't be expected to know right from wrong 424 00:26:55,003 --> 00:26:57,370 when the people society tells us to admire most 425 00:26:57,437 --> 00:27:00,437 are the very people who've made billions 426 00:27:00,503 --> 00:27:05,003 finding new and innovative ways to rename criminal behavior. 427 00:27:05,137 --> 00:27:07,270 You're so full of it. 428 00:27:08,270 --> 00:27:09,803 Tomayto, tomahto. 429 00:27:13,270 --> 00:27:16,003 Well, come on. 430 00:27:16,137 --> 00:27:17,803 We're gonna be late for school. 431 00:27:29,263 --> 00:27:32,500 _ 432 00:27:32,503 --> 00:27:34,237 Did you hear? Heather Chandler 433 00:27:34,303 --> 00:27:36,637 killed herself this morning, and her suicide video 434 00:27:36,703 --> 00:27:39,637 already made the CNN.com homepage! 435 00:27:45,137 --> 00:27:48,437 And this girl was popular, you say? 436 00:27:48,503 --> 00:27:51,803 Very. Her suicide video has 27 million likes, 437 00:27:51,870 --> 00:27:54,170 and she's only been dead a few hours. 438 00:27:54,237 --> 00:27:58,003 I find the Nazi imagery to be an incredibly powerful 439 00:27:58,137 --> 00:28:00,270 statement about teenage oppression. 440 00:28:00,337 --> 00:28:02,937 I mean, this Heather Chandler girl was pushing a good 200. 441 00:28:03,003 --> 00:28:06,136 Not to mention, the performance was flawless. 442 00:28:06,137 --> 00:28:09,270 Of course, I directed her in "Our Town." 443 00:28:09,337 --> 00:28:10,703 Was she really that fat? 444 00:28:10,770 --> 00:28:12,937 The preferred term is "body positive." 445 00:28:13,003 --> 00:28:14,937 Oh, shut up, Pauline. 446 00:28:15,003 --> 00:28:17,270 Principal Gowan, I suggest that we close the school 447 00:28:17,337 --> 00:28:19,703 for a week, let the media frenzy die down, 448 00:28:19,770 --> 00:28:22,270 and use that time to be with any students 449 00:28:22,337 --> 00:28:24,136 who might need some extra comfort. 450 00:28:24,137 --> 00:28:28,870 So fat kids can be popular now? 451 00:28:28,937 --> 00:28:30,303 Oh, and the damn nerds. 452 00:28:30,370 --> 00:28:31,779 Don't tell me they're popular now too. 453 00:28:31,803 --> 00:28:33,703 And the trans kid. 454 00:28:33,770 --> 00:28:35,303 Th... the blacks had a good run. 455 00:28:35,370 --> 00:28:37,037 Obviously, the gays and Jews are over. 456 00:28:37,137 --> 00:28:39,903 What about the Asian kids? Always liked them. 457 00:28:39,970 --> 00:28:41,003 Never really popped. 458 00:28:41,137 --> 00:28:42,370 Oh, but there is this kid 459 00:28:42,437 --> 00:28:44,303 who's what they call genderqueer 460 00:28:44,370 --> 00:28:46,303 who we find to be very well-liked. 461 00:28:46,370 --> 00:28:50,003 - Is he/she fat? - Rail thin. 462 00:28:50,137 --> 00:28:51,970 All right, well, at least that's comforting. 463 00:28:52,037 --> 00:28:55,136 You know, I have experienced a sickening amount 464 00:28:55,137 --> 00:28:57,203 of intolerance in my life. 465 00:28:57,270 --> 00:28:59,270 Gluten doesn't count, Pauline. 466 00:28:59,337 --> 00:29:04,137 But what I am hearing in this room really takes the cake. 467 00:29:04,170 --> 00:29:07,570 A popular girl is dead. 468 00:29:07,637 --> 00:29:10,937 And Westerburg is under the spotlight. 469 00:29:11,003 --> 00:29:15,137 The "Times": "Shocking Online Death Sparks Discussion." 470 00:29:15,203 --> 00:29:18,137 "Jezebel": "How the Patriarchy Killed Heather Chandler." 471 00:29:18,203 --> 00:29:20,670 I suggest you read that one, David. 472 00:29:20,737 --> 00:29:24,570 The "Drudge Report": "Deceased Obese: Is Hillary to Blame?" 473 00:29:24,637 --> 00:29:26,770 And... the "Post": 474 00:29:26,837 --> 00:29:29,737 "It's SS Suicide for Nazi Fatty." 475 00:29:29,803 --> 00:29:33,137 Well. How come they get to say the word "fat," Pauline? 476 00:29:33,170 --> 00:29:37,370 My point is that we have an opportunity here 477 00:29:37,437 --> 00:29:40,570 to send a message that could reverberate 478 00:29:40,637 --> 00:29:44,037 around the entire planet. 479 00:29:44,137 --> 00:29:47,770 I say we hold a Celebration of Life rally. 480 00:29:47,837 --> 00:29:51,037 - Oh. - After school, in the gym. 481 00:29:51,137 --> 00:29:52,937 Will we be getting overtime? 482 00:29:53,003 --> 00:29:54,570 Yeah, yeah, fine. 483 00:29:54,637 --> 00:29:56,370 Pauline, you can organize your little 484 00:29:56,437 --> 00:29:58,770 "woman of the woods" coven, but only during lunch, 485 00:29:58,837 --> 00:30:01,237 because I'm not paying overtime. 486 00:30:05,003 --> 00:30:07,837 I mean, goddamn, she was fat. 487 00:30:17,637 --> 00:30:21,137 - This is so sad. - I know. 488 00:30:21,203 --> 00:30:24,570 They didn't even use a filter. 489 00:30:24,637 --> 00:30:27,770 No one tells you how to prepare for something like this. 490 00:30:27,837 --> 00:30:32,137 Like... are we supposed to unfollow her now? 491 00:30:35,003 --> 00:30:38,370 - I gotta practice my eulogy. - Wait. 492 00:30:38,437 --> 00:30:41,137 I... I was gonna give her eulogy. 493 00:30:41,203 --> 00:30:43,537 Heather. You can barely read. 494 00:30:43,603 --> 00:30:46,070 Okay, Heather was my best friend, Heather. 495 00:30:46,137 --> 00:30:47,770 Heather was my best friend, Heather. 496 00:30:47,837 --> 00:30:49,537 I'm giving the eulogy! 497 00:30:49,603 --> 00:30:51,770 Whoever gives this eulogy has the opportunity 498 00:30:51,837 --> 00:30:54,770 to take the reins from Heather, Heather. 499 00:30:54,837 --> 00:30:56,403 And that should be me. 500 00:30:56,470 --> 00:30:59,570 Okay, I... I think Heather would want to be euthanized 501 00:30:59,637 --> 00:31:01,570 by an actual female. 502 00:31:03,270 --> 00:31:05,203 And I think Heather would want to be eulogized 503 00:31:05,270 --> 00:31:06,637 by someone who's actually 504 00:31:06,703 --> 00:31:10,003 a member of the LGBTQQIAAP community. 505 00:31:10,137 --> 00:31:11,637 What? 506 00:31:11,703 --> 00:31:13,403 Where'd you get that? 507 00:31:13,470 --> 00:31:15,003 And post. 508 00:31:17,137 --> 00:31:18,403 Oh. 509 00:31:18,470 --> 00:31:20,837 I... I'm sorry, Heather. 510 00:31:20,903 --> 00:31:23,737 Looks like now everyone knows your dirty little secret. 511 00:31:32,270 --> 00:31:34,037 Isn't it just? 512 00:31:37,270 --> 00:31:40,203 "Dear diary: I know murdering someone 513 00:31:40,270 --> 00:31:42,203 is totally rude, but, then again, 514 00:31:42,270 --> 00:31:44,637 isn't hating on someone for being a murderer 515 00:31:44,703 --> 00:31:47,203 equally as rude?" 516 00:31:47,270 --> 00:31:49,637 No, that reads as if I'm stupid. 517 00:31:51,903 --> 00:31:55,003 "Dear diary: JD is right. 518 00:31:55,137 --> 00:31:56,637 I can't be held responsible. 519 00:31:56,703 --> 00:31:59,437 I'm just a poor lovestruck girl 520 00:31:59,503 --> 00:32:03,703 who has been manipulated by a guy into... " 521 00:32:03,770 --> 00:32:07,370 No, that makes me sound like I'm reinforcing gender stereotypes. 522 00:32:09,537 --> 00:32:13,136 "Dear diary: I don't know why I did what I did, 523 00:32:13,137 --> 00:32:14,470 'cause I'm 17! 524 00:32:14,537 --> 00:32:16,703 There, is that what you want? 525 00:32:16,770 --> 00:32:18,703 I don't know!" 526 00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:20,903 - I'm sorry about Heather... - Oh, hey, Betty. 527 00:32:20,970 --> 00:32:23,270 I know she thought I was a total multi-cam, 528 00:32:23,337 --> 00:32:27,470 but I admired her anyway. 529 00:32:27,537 --> 00:32:29,403 Thanks, Betty. 530 00:32:31,137 --> 00:32:36,503 Hey, you know, maybe you could come over today for a game of croquet? 531 00:32:36,570 --> 00:32:38,037 Like old times? 532 00:32:38,137 --> 00:32:40,137 I'll let you be blue. 533 00:32:41,570 --> 00:32:43,770 I'm busy. 534 00:32:51,337 --> 00:32:56,903 "Sad face emoji. Pill emoji." 535 00:32:56,970 --> 00:33:00,970 The powerful last words of Heather Chandler. 536 00:33:01,037 --> 00:33:06,837 Many of you may be asking, "How can any of us go on 537 00:33:06,903 --> 00:33:11,537 when even a popular girl can be sad?" 538 00:33:11,603 --> 00:33:13,270 The answer? 539 00:33:13,337 --> 00:33:16,003 We must find someone to blame. 540 00:33:17,603 --> 00:33:20,970 But blame not Heather Chandler. 541 00:33:21,037 --> 00:33:24,537 Blame her not, for she was a victim 542 00:33:24,603 --> 00:33:27,637 of a society that asked too much of her. 543 00:33:27,703 --> 00:33:32,703 No, instead, we must turn our gaze 544 00:33:32,770 --> 00:33:35,970 to the murderess herself! 545 00:33:36,037 --> 00:33:38,637 Veronica! 546 00:33:43,403 --> 00:33:45,770 To the drugs. 547 00:33:45,837 --> 00:33:48,970 The very drugs that many of you young people 548 00:33:49,037 --> 00:33:52,136 are Molly'd up on at this very moment. 549 00:33:52,137 --> 00:33:56,737 While we may not have proof... mm... she does. 550 00:33:56,803 --> 00:34:00,270 And now a eul-y-ogy. 551 00:34:19,137 --> 00:34:24,837 Um... my name is Betty Finn. 552 00:34:24,903 --> 00:34:28,603 And... um... 553 00:34:28,670 --> 00:34:31,037 Heather Chandler hated me. 554 00:34:31,137 --> 00:34:34,037 Well, it didn't always start out that way. 555 00:34:34,137 --> 00:34:35,837 Uh, she was my next-door neighbor. 556 00:34:35,903 --> 00:34:37,637 We grew up together. 557 00:34:37,703 --> 00:34:40,037 We played hide-and-seek and braided each other's hair. 558 00:34:40,137 --> 00:34:44,137 But as happens so often, high school came. 559 00:34:44,203 --> 00:34:47,037 She was that fabulous alternative girl 560 00:34:47,137 --> 00:34:49,837 everyone wanted to be... 561 00:34:49,903 --> 00:34:52,637 and I was just... 562 00:34:53,903 --> 00:34:56,637 Well, a nobody. 563 00:34:59,137 --> 00:35:02,470 But I don't blame Heather for hating me. 564 00:35:02,537 --> 00:35:07,137 Our society set those rules, not her. 565 00:35:07,170 --> 00:35:11,137 But maybe... maybe we can take this moment 566 00:35:11,170 --> 00:35:13,903 to start chipping away at some of those rules. 567 00:35:15,370 --> 00:35:17,903 To create a Westerburg where... 568 00:35:17,970 --> 00:35:21,270 where Heathers... and Rams... 569 00:35:23,970 --> 00:35:29,137 And Bettys... no, and everyone in between, 570 00:35:29,170 --> 00:35:31,603 where we can all be friends! 571 00:35:34,337 --> 00:35:39,270 So let's take a stand, right here, right now. 572 00:35:39,337 --> 00:35:41,737 Well, go ahead. Stand up! 573 00:35:45,170 --> 00:35:47,270 And let us recognize 574 00:35:47,337 --> 00:35:52,270 that we are all one. 575 00:35:52,337 --> 00:35:53,337 Thank you. 576 00:35:53,370 --> 00:35:54,903 Yeah! Whoo! 577 00:36:06,403 --> 00:36:09,770 Betty! Betty! Betty! Betty! 578 00:36:09,837 --> 00:36:12,303 Betty! Betty! Betty! 579 00:36:34,603 --> 00:36:36,337 That basic-cable bitch. 580 00:36:36,403 --> 00:36:39,737 Stop using Heather's lines, Heather. 581 00:36:39,803 --> 00:36:41,353 Jesus, Julie, stop being such 582 00:36:41,354 --> 00:36:44,537 a whorn-out human bounce house, and smile. 583 00:36:46,037 --> 00:36:49,337 New boss, meet newer boss. 584 00:36:49,403 --> 00:36:52,237 Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. 585 00:36:55,113 --> 00:36:56,680 What I'll remember most 586 00:36:56,747 --> 00:36:58,480 about Heather is... her kindness. 587 00:36:58,547 --> 00:37:00,747 I mean, you don't get to 245,000 followers 588 00:37:00,813 --> 00:37:03,813 unless you're truly a good person. 589 00:37:15,980 --> 00:37:18,113 I'm Veronica. 590 00:37:18,180 --> 00:37:19,913 Pâté? 591 00:37:19,980 --> 00:37:22,113 Vegetarian. 592 00:37:22,180 --> 00:37:23,647 Of course you are. 593 00:37:28,180 --> 00:37:29,747 "How was work today, pop?" 594 00:37:29,813 --> 00:37:31,747 Oh, great, kids! 595 00:37:31,813 --> 00:37:33,113 Some little pansy journo 596 00:37:33,180 --> 00:37:34,747 who's never had a real job in his life 597 00:37:34,813 --> 00:37:37,547 writes an op-ed piece about fracking is bad for Ohio, 598 00:37:37,647 --> 00:37:41,113 and I gotta haul ass before the goddamn legislature. 599 00:37:41,180 --> 00:37:45,013 Tough times to be a rich white dude, son. 600 00:37:46,980 --> 00:37:49,747 Oh, we'll be fine, pop. 601 00:37:49,813 --> 00:37:50,956 A few campaign contributions, 602 00:37:50,980 --> 00:37:53,747 a couple of well-timed TV spots, 603 00:37:53,813 --> 00:37:55,547 a nighttime visit to his editor's house. 604 00:37:55,647 --> 00:37:57,547 Well, son, your presence here 605 00:37:57,647 --> 00:38:00,980 has been lovely, as usual, but if you don't mind, 606 00:38:01,047 --> 00:38:02,647 my girlfriend and I would like to start 607 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,980 having sexual intercourse now. 608 00:38:06,047 --> 00:38:09,080 It was nice to meet you... Veronica. 609 00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:15,947 "Don't forget to use a condom, son." 610 00:38:19,047 --> 00:38:21,180 Well, he hates me. 611 00:38:21,247 --> 00:38:23,180 He's an acquired taste. 612 00:38:23,247 --> 00:38:25,413 He was pretty normal, actually, 613 00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:28,980 till we had what we refer to as "the incident." 614 00:38:29,047 --> 00:38:31,980 Regular night... Mom... vacuumed, 615 00:38:32,047 --> 00:38:33,647 cooked dinner, set the table, 616 00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:35,980 and then just in time for pops and I to get home, 617 00:38:36,047 --> 00:38:38,180 she doused the whole place in gasoline, 618 00:38:38,247 --> 00:38:40,980 put a bullet in her head. 619 00:38:44,047 --> 00:38:46,813 I'm so sorry. 620 00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:48,647 Last thing I saw was her waving at me 621 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:50,180 from the upstairs window, 622 00:38:50,247 --> 00:38:52,180 and even at that age, I remember knowing 623 00:38:52,247 --> 00:38:54,647 that she felt nothing. 624 00:38:56,447 --> 00:38:59,180 And neither did I. 625 00:39:06,307 --> 00:39:08,522 _ 626 00:39:08,723 --> 00:39:11,457 - Heather! Heather! - Calm down. 627 00:39:11,523 --> 00:39:13,257 It's probably another one of her, 628 00:39:13,323 --> 00:39:15,590 what does she call it, one of her video art skits... 629 00:39:18,157 --> 00:39:19,257 Oh, my God. 630 00:39:26,323 --> 00:39:27,690 See? 631 00:39:27,757 --> 00:39:29,557 Oh, Heather... 632 00:39:29,623 --> 00:39:33,057 I just had the carpets steamed. 633 00:39:33,123 --> 00:39:34,733 She was just doing one of her phone snaps 634 00:39:34,757 --> 00:39:36,457 and got a Corn Nut stuck in her throat. 635 00:39:36,523 --> 00:39:39,090 Heather, you know we don't allow corn syrup in this household. 636 00:39:39,157 --> 00:39:40,557 I'm fine. 637 00:39:40,623 --> 00:39:42,890 Just get the hell out of my room! Go! 638 00:39:42,957 --> 00:39:45,257 - Okay, sweetie. - See, you upset her. 639 00:39:45,323 --> 00:39:47,223 Are we ever gonna get those carpets cleaned? 640 00:40:14,523 --> 00:40:17,257 Dear cruel world, everyone thinks 641 00:40:17,323 --> 00:40:19,890 I have it so great, but the truth is, 642 00:40:19,957 --> 00:40:22,890 I'm worthless because I'm nothing. 643 00:40:22,957 --> 00:40:25,257 That little bitch. 644 00:40:25,323 --> 00:40:29,457 I'm gonna rip her to... 27 million likes? 645 00:40:35,157 --> 00:40:37,823 I'm fucking famous. 646 00:40:43,157 --> 00:40:44,357 This season on "Heathers"... 647 00:40:44,390 --> 00:40:45,857 We killed Heather together. 648 00:40:45,923 --> 00:40:46,923 Hello, Veronica. 649 00:40:46,924 --> 00:40:50,320 I plan to become the new face of suicide, 650 00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:52,923 and you are two gonna help me with that whenever I want. 651 00:40:52,930 --> 00:40:56,363 The world is just going to hell, and nobody seems to care! 652 00:40:57,463 --> 00:40:58,863 We are taking out the trash 653 00:40:58,930 --> 00:41:00,173 the garbage trucks won't pick up. 654 00:41:00,197 --> 00:41:02,930 It's my party, Heather. You're just catering it. 655 00:41:02,997 --> 00:41:04,597 The winds of friendship have changed. 656 00:41:05,033 --> 00:41:06,833 There is no plan, Veronica. 657 00:41:06,900 --> 00:41:09,000 Well, then, what's for us? 658 00:41:09,067 --> 00:41:10,533 Chaos. 659 00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:12,933 Everyone close to her commits suicide. 660 00:41:15,667 --> 00:41:17,633 It all makes sense. 661 00:41:17,767 --> 00:41:19,500 You and me against the world? 662 00:41:19,567 --> 00:41:22,033 Me and you against the world. 663 00:41:22,100 --> 00:41:23,167 Jealous much? 664 00:41:25,133 --> 00:41:27,067 I'm just here for the drama. 665 00:41:27,133 --> 00:41:30,500 And you straight people have once again disappointed me in that arena. 666 00:41:33,168 --> 00:41:38,168 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -