1 00:00:09,978 --> 00:00:12,312 Mm, he's, uh... 2 00:00:12,373 --> 00:00:14,625 he's on his way, I just texted him, so... 3 00:00:14,626 --> 00:00:18,712 - Did he text you back? - Nope. 4 00:00:18,713 --> 00:00:20,547 Nope. 5 00:00:20,548 --> 00:00:22,883 All right, everybody. Start to shut up. 6 00:00:22,884 --> 00:00:25,177 Ralph, what brings you here? 7 00:00:25,178 --> 00:00:27,471 You're late. I'm... I'm covering for you. 8 00:00:27,472 --> 00:00:30,390 It's school policy. You can't leave these students unattended. 9 00:00:30,391 --> 00:00:32,226 Is that a real rule? That's nuts. 10 00:00:32,227 --> 00:00:34,311 He literally leaves us alone all the time. 11 00:00:34,312 --> 00:00:36,063 Uh, narc much? 12 00:00:36,064 --> 00:00:38,440 Just... just try to be on time. 13 00:00:38,441 --> 00:00:41,902 All right, yeah. Totally. 14 00:00:41,903 --> 00:00:43,821 Come on, dude. 15 00:00:43,822 --> 00:00:47,533 Is it... ah! Just gonna get some, uh... 16 00:00:47,534 --> 00:00:48,909 Hey! 17 00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:50,661 Jack, where are you goin'? 18 00:00:50,662 --> 00:00:53,497 - Uh, I need SunChips. - We just discussed this. 19 00:00:53,498 --> 00:00:55,666 You... you can't just leave because you want chips. 20 00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:57,417 Ah, come on. 21 00:01:04,551 --> 00:01:06,718 So I had an interesting morning. 22 00:01:06,719 --> 00:01:08,595 As I was pulling out of my dead mom's driveway, 23 00:01:08,596 --> 00:01:11,849 I turned on my number one NPR voice crush, Terry Gross, 24 00:01:11,850 --> 00:01:14,935 only to find that she was interviewing my rival, Miles. 25 00:01:14,936 --> 00:01:16,603 I was so distracted by this injustice 26 00:01:16,604 --> 00:01:19,106 that I accidentally backed over a possum. 27 00:01:19,107 --> 00:01:20,482 Specifically, his lower half. 28 00:01:20,483 --> 00:01:22,609 He was flat from about here down. 29 00:01:22,610 --> 00:01:24,403 And he was shouting, uh, a lot. 30 00:01:24,404 --> 00:01:26,196 And this presented me with an interesting 31 00:01:26,197 --> 00:01:27,739 philosophical dilemma. 32 00:01:27,740 --> 00:01:30,909 Was it kinder to let this animal slowly die 33 00:01:30,910 --> 00:01:34,121 or to bash it to death with a big wrench? 34 00:01:34,122 --> 00:01:35,747 And once I'd done so, I turned and saw 35 00:01:35,748 --> 00:01:37,040 that one of the possum's relatives 36 00:01:37,041 --> 00:01:38,250 was staring right at me. 37 00:01:38,251 --> 00:01:39,793 He witnessed the entire thing. 38 00:01:39,794 --> 00:01:43,089 This presented me with another beautiful philosophical dilemma. 39 00:01:43,590 --> 00:01:47,134 Was it kinder to let this new possum be driven mad 40 00:01:47,135 --> 00:01:49,136 by what he'd seen, or do I bash him to death 41 00:01:49,137 --> 00:01:50,971 with a giant wrench as well? 42 00:01:50,972 --> 00:01:52,598 Needless to say, my morning became 43 00:01:52,599 --> 00:01:54,433 a veritable killing field situation. 44 00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:59,146 And now I'm going to have to power wash my dead mom's driveway. 45 00:01:59,147 --> 00:02:01,190 - Yeah. - Awesome. 46 00:02:01,191 --> 00:02:02,983 Sounds like you were lashing out 47 00:02:02,984 --> 00:02:04,693 'cause you were angry that Miles has a best-seller. 48 00:02:04,694 --> 00:02:06,320 Marcus, you of all people should be able to discern 49 00:02:06,321 --> 00:02:07,946 when I'm lashing out. 50 00:02:07,947 --> 00:02:09,781 Maybe you should write your own best-seller. 51 00:02:09,782 --> 00:02:11,575 I've considered that. 52 00:02:11,576 --> 00:02:13,076 It's just difficult to get any work done in this town, 53 00:02:13,077 --> 00:02:15,914 with its possums and their screams. 54 00:02:17,749 --> 00:02:20,667 There was so much... screaming. 55 00:02:25,507 --> 00:02:26,507 I need SunChips. 56 00:02:28,510 --> 00:02:30,260 One, two, three, four! 57 00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:48,362 Book ideas? You writing a book, Jack? 58 00:02:48,363 --> 00:02:50,489 Oh, just getting down some thoughts. 59 00:02:50,490 --> 00:02:52,324 Oh, you know what kind of books I like? 60 00:02:52,325 --> 00:02:55,118 - Sex mysteries. - Mm-hmm. Like "Gone Girl" 61 00:02:55,119 --> 00:02:56,703 - and "Girl on the Train." - Mm-hmm. 62 00:02:56,704 --> 00:03:00,207 Anything where there's a girl and she's missing or ideally, dead. 63 00:03:00,208 --> 00:03:02,125 Yes, yes. Ooh, okay, so you know what 64 00:03:02,126 --> 00:03:03,293 your book could be about? 65 00:03:03,294 --> 00:03:04,670 Three women who are best friends, 66 00:03:04,671 --> 00:03:06,880 but then the Asian one gets taken. 67 00:03:06,881 --> 00:03:08,549 For sex. 68 00:03:08,550 --> 00:03:10,884 - Jack, come on! - Oops. 69 00:03:10,885 --> 00:03:12,052 - Ooh! - Busted. 70 00:03:12,053 --> 00:03:13,637 Dirty man! 71 00:03:13,638 --> 00:03:15,681 This policy is there for your protection. 72 00:03:15,682 --> 00:03:18,392 You're responsible if something happens to one of your students 73 00:03:18,393 --> 00:03:20,060 while you're out toodling around. 74 00:03:20,061 --> 00:03:21,562 Ralph, Ralph, these kids are teenagers. 75 00:03:21,563 --> 00:03:23,522 You think they can't be left alone for two seconds? 76 00:03:23,523 --> 00:03:25,107 Go! 77 00:03:25,108 --> 00:03:28,735 Are you okay? What happened? 78 00:03:28,736 --> 00:03:30,487 How did this happen? 79 00:03:30,488 --> 00:03:32,906 He fell. We were playing Jelly Bean Quidditch. 80 00:03:32,907 --> 00:03:34,533 Yeah, it's where you stand on your desk 81 00:03:34,534 --> 00:03:36,076 and throw jelly beans in each other's mouths. 82 00:03:36,077 --> 00:03:38,078 How is that Quidditch? Where's the golden snitch? 83 00:03:38,079 --> 00:03:40,080 - So nerdy. - Ah... it... nerdy. 84 00:03:40,081 --> 00:03:41,748 Victor? Victor? 85 00:03:41,749 --> 00:03:43,709 You okay, buddy? You wanna hop up there? 86 00:03:43,710 --> 00:03:45,252 You know, this all happened 87 00:03:45,253 --> 00:03:46,712 because Mr. Griffin left us unattended. 88 00:03:46,713 --> 00:03:48,672 He can't do that. School policy. 89 00:03:48,673 --> 00:03:51,425 Yes, Sarika, thank you for taking 90 00:03:51,426 --> 00:03:53,176 what I said earlier and shouting it at me. 91 00:03:53,177 --> 00:03:55,638 Okay, let's take this to my office. 92 00:03:58,349 --> 00:04:00,392 Concussion test. 93 00:04:00,393 --> 00:04:02,728 Pupils not dilated. 94 00:04:02,729 --> 00:04:06,315 Eyelashes are gorgeous. That is not fair. Gimme, gimme. 95 00:04:06,316 --> 00:04:08,900 Impulse control. On the count of three, 96 00:04:08,901 --> 00:04:10,944 look right into here and do not blink, okay? 97 00:04:10,945 --> 00:04:12,362 Wah! 98 00:04:12,363 --> 00:04:14,031 Okay, this is bad. All right, Victor 99 00:04:14,032 --> 00:04:16,199 could be hurt, the school could get sued. 100 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:17,784 It's... it's like you only care 101 00:04:17,785 --> 00:04:19,578 - about yourself, Jack. - Technically, deep down, 102 00:04:19,579 --> 00:04:21,246 we all only care about ourselves. 103 00:04:21,247 --> 00:04:23,290 - Psychological egoism. - Well, you know what? 104 00:04:23,291 --> 00:04:25,626 I happen to care about this school. 105 00:04:25,627 --> 00:04:27,210 But... but yeah, you don't respect that. 106 00:04:27,211 --> 00:04:28,462 And... and frankly, I don't... 107 00:04:28,463 --> 00:04:29,796 I don't think you respect me. 108 00:04:29,797 --> 00:04:31,590 Oh, come on, Ralph. You know we coo. 109 00:04:31,591 --> 00:04:34,301 No, I don't know that. Are we coo? 110 00:04:34,302 --> 00:04:36,136 I'm gonna take Victor back to class. 111 00:04:36,137 --> 00:04:39,306 He's still a bit slow, but I think that was already there. 112 00:04:39,307 --> 00:04:41,600 Ah, yeah. 113 00:04:41,601 --> 00:04:43,143 Wait, who's with the kids right now? 114 00:04:43,144 --> 00:04:44,978 Oh, God, we left them alone again! 115 00:04:44,979 --> 00:04:46,938 - That's hilarious. - Jack, plea... 116 00:04:46,939 --> 00:04:49,316 - Helen, go cover for me. - I also called 117 00:04:49,317 --> 00:04:52,110 the teacher's union and the rep is here to see Jack. 118 00:04:52,111 --> 00:04:54,154 Which one... wa... not Kim. 119 00:04:54,155 --> 00:04:56,490 Not Kim. Oh, God, please not Kim. 120 00:04:56,491 --> 00:04:58,158 Not Kim, please, not Kim. 121 00:04:58,159 --> 00:05:00,786 Hey! Kim! What's up? 122 00:05:00,787 --> 00:05:02,329 Jack, don't say another word. 123 00:05:02,330 --> 00:05:04,749 - Ralph, get out. - The room is yours. 124 00:05:07,585 --> 00:05:09,670 - Tums? - No, I'm good. 125 00:05:09,671 --> 00:05:11,254 I'm freakin' addicted. 126 00:05:11,255 --> 00:05:14,800 My name is Kim Burke and as your union rep, 127 00:05:14,801 --> 00:05:17,928 I am always on the side of the teacher. 128 00:05:17,929 --> 00:05:20,931 I don't care if you did kill that kid. 129 00:05:20,932 --> 00:05:22,766 I don't wanna know. 130 00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:25,018 As I see it, you have two options. 131 00:05:25,019 --> 00:05:27,354 Or, as I like to call them... 132 00:05:27,355 --> 00:05:28,605 doors. 133 00:05:28,606 --> 00:05:29,981 Huh? 134 00:05:29,982 --> 00:05:31,858 Door number one: 135 00:05:31,859 --> 00:05:34,695 admit you're at fault, take a one week, 136 00:05:34,696 --> 00:05:36,279 unpaid suspension. 137 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:39,825 However, this could go on your permanent record. 138 00:05:39,826 --> 00:05:41,660 - So... - Eh. 139 00:05:41,661 --> 00:05:46,456 Then there's door... or option... two. 140 00:05:46,457 --> 00:05:47,791 We fight it! 141 00:05:47,792 --> 00:05:50,377 You should know, this could take a while. 142 00:05:50,378 --> 00:05:52,963 Because there will be an investigation. 143 00:05:52,964 --> 00:05:54,631 Right, and while all that's going on, 144 00:05:54,632 --> 00:05:56,800 you won't be allowed back in that classroom. 145 00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:58,385 Say more about that. 146 00:05:58,386 --> 00:06:00,220 You'd be in something called teacher jail, 147 00:06:00,221 --> 00:06:02,723 which is basically a trailer where you sit around all day. 148 00:06:02,724 --> 00:06:04,224 But that could take a couple months. 149 00:06:04,225 --> 00:06:06,226 That's a long time to not get paid. 150 00:06:06,227 --> 00:06:08,353 Oh, who said that? You would get paid. 151 00:06:08,354 --> 00:06:10,397 Full salary. 152 00:06:10,398 --> 00:06:11,898 You know what? 153 00:06:11,899 --> 00:06:13,942 It feels wrong sweeping this under the rug. 154 00:06:13,943 --> 00:06:15,902 I'd be willing to stay in that damn jail 155 00:06:15,903 --> 00:06:18,071 for as long as it takes to make this right. 156 00:06:18,072 --> 00:06:19,865 Say the words, Jack, 157 00:06:19,866 --> 00:06:24,536 and I will unleash the dogs. 158 00:06:24,537 --> 00:06:26,329 Kim... 159 00:06:26,330 --> 00:06:29,667 unleash the dogs. 160 00:06:36,092 --> 00:06:37,527 This is teacher jail. 161 00:06:38,511 --> 00:06:41,513 Yeah, I bet I can guess what some of these guys did. 162 00:06:41,514 --> 00:06:43,098 Right now, I'm taking you 163 00:06:43,099 --> 00:06:45,267 off my team and handing you over to the coach. 164 00:06:45,268 --> 00:06:47,269 He's gonna take it from here. 165 00:06:47,270 --> 00:06:48,853 All right. 166 00:06:48,854 --> 00:06:51,314 Here's the rules, Kemosabe: 167 00:06:51,315 --> 00:06:52,649 Number one, every day you're here, 168 00:06:52,650 --> 00:06:55,444 you've gotta sign in. 169 00:06:56,445 --> 00:06:57,612 Sorry, I was waiting for number two. 170 00:06:57,613 --> 00:06:59,781 Okay. All right. 171 00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:18,487 How we feeling? 172 00:07:18,488 --> 00:07:19,988 Been through so much. 173 00:07:19,989 --> 00:07:21,907 That's why Principal Durbin has entrusted me 174 00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:24,910 with the sacred duty to... as he would say... 175 00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:26,411 just take care of it, Helen. 176 00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:28,246 So I went on my computer and I searched 177 00:07:28,247 --> 00:07:30,749 for every available sub in the district. 178 00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:34,128 And I think I found someone that you're really gonna love. 179 00:07:35,546 --> 00:07:37,882 Come on in, don't be shy. Come on. 180 00:07:39,258 --> 00:07:40,842 Tada! It's me. 181 00:07:40,843 --> 00:07:44,095 You think I'd leave you guys with a stranger? 182 00:07:44,096 --> 00:07:46,056 I'm gonna teach you what I know. 183 00:07:46,057 --> 00:07:48,433 Starting with the gorgeous velveteen labyrinth 184 00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:51,561 that is the female reproductive system. 185 00:07:51,562 --> 00:07:54,356 This is my cervix. 186 00:07:54,357 --> 00:07:57,318 Who can tell me the five things that are wrong with it? 187 00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:00,612 Okay, ladies. 188 00:08:00,613 --> 00:08:03,448 I'm trying to get a sense of the culture around here. 189 00:08:03,449 --> 00:08:04,783 - Nobody? - Mm-mm. 190 00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:06,451 All right, then. 191 00:08:06,452 --> 00:08:08,912 Is everybody following the supervision policy? 192 00:08:08,913 --> 00:08:12,624 I do. Other people may leave their class sometimes. 193 00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:15,001 Not me. Not even if I have to use the bathroom. 194 00:08:15,002 --> 00:08:17,838 - I just control it. - She's so dedicated. 195 00:08:17,839 --> 00:08:19,097 - Oh, she's amazing. - She's a queen. 196 00:08:19,098 --> 00:08:20,132 She has pooped her pants a couple of times. 197 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,758 - Wait, what? - I have. 198 00:08:21,759 --> 00:08:24,719 But I just borrow some red track pants from lost and found. 199 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,304 I wash them and put them back. 200 00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:29,140 - Nobody wants those now. - Let the lost be lost. 201 00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:31,142 Hey! Hey, Durbin! 202 00:08:31,143 --> 00:08:33,645 Come back here! Durbin! 203 00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:35,480 Where you going? 204 00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:37,649 Hey, what do you got there? 205 00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,234 This? 206 00:08:39,235 --> 00:08:40,986 This is my dog chow. 207 00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:42,988 Your... your what? 208 00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:45,490 The dogs are loose. 209 00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:46,908 What... what dogs? 210 00:08:46,909 --> 00:08:48,660 Jack wants to fight his case. 211 00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:52,330 So you can just wipe that smug look right off your face. 212 00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:53,748 Why do you hate me so much? 213 00:08:53,749 --> 00:08:55,083 Because you're weak. 214 00:08:55,084 --> 00:08:56,877 And I don't trust you with my teachers. 215 00:08:56,878 --> 00:08:59,045 You don't deserve to be their principal. 216 00:08:59,046 --> 00:09:00,839 Just like you didn't deserve 217 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,591 to be captain of the Glee Club. 218 00:09:02,592 --> 00:09:04,843 Okay, Kim, that was 25 years ago. 219 00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,344 - I don't care! - You gotta let it go! 220 00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:08,847 No! Mr. K felt sorry for you. 221 00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:10,932 Everybody knows it should've been... 222 00:09:16,355 --> 00:09:19,274 Yeah. I see you for what you really are, Durbin. 223 00:09:19,275 --> 00:09:20,859 You're no leader of men. 224 00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:23,153 You're nothing but a cutie patootie. 225 00:09:23,154 --> 00:09:25,197 You know what? I may be a cutie patootie, 226 00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:27,324 but I'm still the boss around here. 227 00:09:27,325 --> 00:09:29,451 And you were flatting. Good day. 228 00:09:30,453 --> 00:09:31,536 Uh! 229 00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:33,539 Oh, my God. 230 00:09:36,792 --> 00:09:38,084 Mm-mm. 231 00:09:38,085 --> 00:09:41,087 Wh... whatcha workin' on? 232 00:09:41,088 --> 00:09:45,050 Uh, I'm trying to come up with ideas for a new book. 233 00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:47,886 Philosophy... but I'm not quite sure where to begin. 234 00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:53,183 Plato says, "All philosophy begins in wonder." 235 00:09:53,184 --> 00:09:55,560 - You know Plato. - I dabble. 236 00:09:55,561 --> 00:09:59,147 - Jack. - Oh, Philip. 237 00:09:59,148 --> 00:10:01,066 Homemade shortbread? 238 00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:03,401 Yes. 239 00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:05,237 Wow. Mmm. 240 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,571 What are you here for? 241 00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:07,906 - You ready for this? - Hm? 242 00:10:07,907 --> 00:10:09,658 I tickled some of the other teachers. 243 00:10:11,827 --> 00:10:13,245 - Why? - What can I say? 244 00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,580 I'm a tickler. I love to make people laugh, 245 00:10:15,581 --> 00:10:17,249 but I don't know any jokes. 246 00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:19,459 - Hm. - It only takes one person, 247 00:10:19,460 --> 00:10:21,294 though, to call you a teacher tickler. 248 00:10:21,295 --> 00:10:23,421 And true or not, you're ruined. 249 00:10:23,422 --> 00:10:25,340 - Mm. - You are ruined. 250 00:10:25,341 --> 00:10:27,425 - But it was true? - Very much. 251 00:10:27,596 --> 00:10:28,930 - Mm. - Yeah. 252 00:10:28,931 --> 00:10:30,932 So, what have you got so far on this book? 253 00:10:30,933 --> 00:10:32,684 Ohh... I don't know. 254 00:10:32,685 --> 00:10:34,436 Something about the distortion of the ego 255 00:10:34,437 --> 00:10:37,105 that comes from late capitalism's denial of death. 256 00:10:37,106 --> 00:10:38,440 Mind if I type this down? 257 00:10:38,441 --> 00:10:41,276 I mean, it may help to have someone else 258 00:10:41,277 --> 00:10:43,778 tickle the keyboard. 259 00:10:43,779 --> 00:10:46,115 Yeah, I'd like that. 260 00:10:48,617 --> 00:10:51,870 Great. Let's dispel some common myths. 261 00:10:51,871 --> 00:10:53,788 Pull-out method. Don't work. 262 00:10:53,789 --> 00:10:55,790 Menopause, not real. 263 00:10:55,791 --> 00:10:58,877 Vaginal orgasm, gimme a break. 264 00:10:58,878 --> 00:11:01,045 I thought we were gonna get a real teacher. 265 00:11:01,046 --> 00:11:02,672 You think I wanted this? 266 00:11:02,673 --> 00:11:05,300 I'm gonna need a volunteer. Let me see. 267 00:11:05,301 --> 00:11:08,136 Somebody maybe in the very, very back. 268 00:11:08,137 --> 00:11:11,139 How about, uh, Anthony. 269 00:11:11,140 --> 00:11:12,807 Come on down. 270 00:11:12,808 --> 00:11:15,143 Come on down, Anthony. Oh, yes. 271 00:11:15,144 --> 00:11:16,478 Come on. Now, Anthony, 272 00:11:16,479 --> 00:11:18,730 I'm gonna say a part of the female body 273 00:11:18,731 --> 00:11:20,815 and I want you to define it and then I want you 274 00:11:20,816 --> 00:11:21,983 to point it out on me. 275 00:11:21,984 --> 00:11:23,151 This is gonna be fun. 276 00:11:23,152 --> 00:11:24,777 Sarika, you have to fix this! 277 00:11:24,778 --> 00:11:26,654 This is way worse than Mr. Griffin. 278 00:11:26,655 --> 00:11:28,323 Okay! 279 00:11:28,324 --> 00:11:30,825 Ms. Demarcus, can Victor, Grace, Colin and I 280 00:11:30,826 --> 00:11:32,160 go to the bathroom? 281 00:11:32,161 --> 00:11:33,661 Yeah, the pass is on the desk. 282 00:11:33,662 --> 00:11:36,831 Anthony, perineum. 283 00:11:36,832 --> 00:11:39,627 Keep goin'. Keep goin'. 284 00:11:41,337 --> 00:11:43,546 Keep goin'. 285 00:11:43,547 --> 00:11:45,882 Mine's lower than usual. Keep goin'. 286 00:11:45,883 --> 00:11:48,343 But this desire for a so-called answer 287 00:11:48,344 --> 00:11:52,180 reflects a society obsessed with the, um... 288 00:11:52,181 --> 00:11:54,516 - uhh... - Uh, ephemeral? 289 00:11:54,517 --> 00:11:56,267 - Ephemeral. - Ephemeral, yes. 290 00:11:56,268 --> 00:11:58,186 Yes, Philip, yes. 291 00:11:58,187 --> 00:12:00,188 I'll tell you, now that I have a clear thesis, 292 00:12:00,189 --> 00:12:02,023 this book practically will write itself. 293 00:12:02,024 --> 00:12:04,359 I mean, I think we can have a draft in a month. 294 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,820 - I do. - Ah, yeah. 295 00:12:07,863 --> 00:12:09,197 Can we talk? 296 00:12:09,198 --> 00:12:12,159 Uhh, yeah. One sec. 297 00:12:13,035 --> 00:12:16,538 Look, this thing is getting blown way out of proportion. 298 00:12:16,539 --> 00:12:18,540 Jack, you know you're in the wrong. 299 00:12:18,541 --> 00:12:21,376 Okay, how about a one day suspension? 300 00:12:21,377 --> 00:12:22,710 Uh, I don't know. 301 00:12:22,711 --> 00:12:24,045 I mean, I think this... this policy 302 00:12:24,046 --> 00:12:25,755 really needs to be examined. 303 00:12:25,756 --> 00:12:27,090 I mean, these... these kids are old enough to get pregnant. 304 00:12:27,091 --> 00:12:28,466 They can't be alone for two seconds? 305 00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:29,717 That's literally the reason 306 00:12:29,718 --> 00:12:30,802 they shouldn't be left alone. 307 00:12:30,803 --> 00:12:32,804 Look, it's one day, okay? 308 00:12:32,805 --> 00:12:34,222 How about a... a slap on the wrist, 309 00:12:34,223 --> 00:12:35,723 we'll put the whole thing behind us. 310 00:12:35,724 --> 00:12:38,059 Jack, my fingers are getting cold. 311 00:12:38,060 --> 00:12:40,228 Uhh, you know what? I gotta go. 312 00:12:40,229 --> 00:12:41,729 I'm so sorry, Ralph. I don't like this 313 00:12:41,730 --> 00:12:44,191 - any more than you do. - Get... 314 00:12:50,597 --> 00:12:52,037 All right, Helen said we could find 315 00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:54,017 every sub in the district on here. 316 00:12:54,018 --> 00:12:55,518 If we find one we like, maybe we can 317 00:12:55,519 --> 00:12:57,020 go around her completely. 318 00:12:57,021 --> 00:12:58,855 - Colin, all clear? - If I see anyone coming, 319 00:12:58,856 --> 00:13:01,190 - I'll play "Baker Street." - What's "Baker Street"? 320 00:13:01,191 --> 00:13:03,860 Uh, I think you know. 321 00:13:03,861 --> 00:13:05,528 Here we go. 322 00:13:05,529 --> 00:13:07,196 Let's find the biology teacher of our dreams. 323 00:13:07,197 --> 00:13:10,283 - Oh, here we go. - I feel like he's too jacked. 324 00:13:12,453 --> 00:13:14,537 What the... 325 00:13:14,538 --> 00:13:16,622 What the heck are you guys doing on my Dell? 326 00:13:16,623 --> 00:13:18,875 We're looking for a new substitute. 327 00:13:18,876 --> 00:13:21,794 The truth is... 328 00:13:21,795 --> 00:13:25,048 Principal Durbin needs you even more than we do. 329 00:13:25,049 --> 00:13:29,385 Yeah. He's been through so much. 330 00:13:29,386 --> 00:13:30,636 Go to him, Helen. 331 00:13:30,637 --> 00:13:32,472 You're good kids. 332 00:13:32,473 --> 00:13:34,891 I'll get your substitute for you. 333 00:13:34,892 --> 00:13:37,727 Ralph! I got you! I got you! 334 00:13:37,728 --> 00:13:39,729 We convince the board your case has merit, 335 00:13:39,730 --> 00:13:41,230 this thing could drag on for months. 336 00:13:41,231 --> 00:13:42,565 - Mm. - You sure you're all right 337 00:13:42,566 --> 00:13:44,484 with being in teacher jail? 338 00:13:44,485 --> 00:13:46,527 It's been a weirdly productive situation. 339 00:13:46,528 --> 00:13:48,362 Mr. Griffin, do you have any questions 340 00:13:48,363 --> 00:13:50,364 - before we begin? - Um, yes, 341 00:13:50,365 --> 00:13:53,910 are there more white grapes coming or is this all there is? 342 00:13:53,911 --> 00:13:56,038 Zack? 343 00:13:57,498 --> 00:13:59,415 That's all the grapes. 344 00:13:59,416 --> 00:14:02,585 Principal Durbin, your statement. 345 00:14:02,586 --> 00:14:05,588 Yeah, well, uh, it's... it's pretty simple. 346 00:14:05,589 --> 00:14:08,508 - Boo. - I don't think that there's any bad guys here. 347 00:14:08,509 --> 00:14:11,844 - We have a supervision policy. - Sit down! 348 00:14:11,845 --> 00:14:14,222 - He ignored it. - Allegedly. 349 00:14:14,223 --> 00:14:15,431 And Victor got hurt! 350 00:14:15,432 --> 00:14:17,434 Kim, your statement. 351 00:14:19,269 --> 00:14:23,105 I want to tell you about the most dedicated, 352 00:14:23,106 --> 00:14:26,985 caring, hard-working teacher I know. 353 00:14:28,654 --> 00:14:31,322 Jack Griffin. 354 00:14:31,323 --> 00:14:36,118 I... I mean, clearly, he is suffering and this is hard on him. 355 00:14:36,119 --> 00:14:38,454 Right? 356 00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:40,039 I miss my little sweeties. 357 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:44,460 Why are we persecuting this man 358 00:14:44,461 --> 00:14:49,298 when clearly, the problem at this school is this man?! 359 00:14:49,299 --> 00:14:51,968 Principal Ralph Durbin. 360 00:14:51,969 --> 00:14:54,470 Dirty Durbin. 361 00:14:54,471 --> 00:14:58,391 Why aren't the teachers following the school policy? 362 00:14:58,392 --> 00:15:04,564 Well, maybe it's because the principal is asleep on the job. 363 00:15:04,565 --> 00:15:06,482 Okay, I'm clearly blinking. 364 00:15:06,483 --> 00:15:08,067 Is he focused on work? 365 00:15:08,068 --> 00:15:11,195 Well, not according to his Google searches. 366 00:15:11,196 --> 00:15:12,697 - Okay, that's private. - I'll allow it. 367 00:15:12,698 --> 00:15:15,825 "Kokomo is it real"? 368 00:15:15,826 --> 00:15:17,493 Do we really want a principal 369 00:15:17,494 --> 00:15:18,995 who's daydreaming about 370 00:15:18,996 --> 00:15:21,497 some fake paradise in the Florida Keys? 371 00:15:21,498 --> 00:15:22,665 Well, why are the other ones real? 372 00:15:22,666 --> 00:15:27,670 - Aruba, Jamaica... - Principal Durbin mowing the school lawn 373 00:15:27,671 --> 00:15:31,173 wearing what is known as a wife-beater. 374 00:15:31,174 --> 00:15:32,675 It was a Saturday. 375 00:15:32,676 --> 00:15:36,846 Oh! It's okay, everybody, to beat your wife on a Saturday. 376 00:15:36,847 --> 00:15:38,097 Do we really think 377 00:15:38,098 --> 00:15:39,974 that Principal Durbin told Jack 378 00:15:39,975 --> 00:15:42,018 about the supervision policy 379 00:15:42,019 --> 00:15:44,353 when he can't even remember to fix the sign 380 00:15:44,354 --> 00:15:46,689 in front of the school? 381 00:15:46,690 --> 00:15:48,357 Since I've been here this week, 382 00:15:48,358 --> 00:15:52,069 I've noticed nothing but a trail of destruction on your watch. 383 00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:53,905 Kids falling off of desks, 384 00:15:53,906 --> 00:15:56,282 teachers defecating in their pants, 385 00:15:56,283 --> 00:16:00,036 and a Harvard professor being micromanaged 386 00:16:00,037 --> 00:16:03,539 by an incompetent, little wiener. 387 00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:05,041 But we have a chance 388 00:16:05,042 --> 00:16:08,210 to be on the right side of history. 389 00:16:08,211 --> 00:16:10,546 Ladies and gentlemen, 390 00:16:10,547 --> 00:16:12,925 fire the wiener. 391 00:16:20,972 --> 00:16:22,139 Oh... uh, can we just... 392 00:16:22,140 --> 00:16:23,766 can we have a moment? 393 00:16:23,767 --> 00:16:25,267 Okay, thanks. Uh, Kim, can I talk to you over here? 394 00:16:25,268 --> 00:16:27,478 - I'm killing it, right? - Just... 395 00:16:27,479 --> 00:16:29,647 can you just ease up on Durbin a little bit? 396 00:16:29,648 --> 00:16:31,524 I mean, I think we can both agree as educators 397 00:16:31,525 --> 00:16:33,025 he's not the problem, it's the policy. 398 00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:35,361 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut the crap, Jack. 399 00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:37,488 Okay, we both know you love teacher jail... 400 00:16:37,489 --> 00:16:39,823 being able to get paid to write your little book 401 00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:41,492 and play grab-ass with the freaks. 402 00:16:41,493 --> 00:16:44,495 You punk out on me now, and all that goes away. 403 00:16:44,496 --> 00:16:46,497 I'm not punking out, I'm just saying lay off Durbin. 404 00:16:46,498 --> 00:16:48,999 - He's a good guy. - It's too late, Jack. 405 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,502 You let the dogs out. 406 00:16:51,503 --> 00:16:53,128 All right, everybody. 407 00:16:53,129 --> 00:16:55,172 On my next slide, you're gonna see 408 00:16:55,173 --> 00:16:59,301 Principal Durbin in full Native American headdress. 409 00:16:59,302 --> 00:17:00,970 It... it was the '90s. It wasn't bad yet. 410 00:17:00,971 --> 00:17:02,805 Okay, excuse me. Can I say something here? 411 00:17:02,806 --> 00:17:03,973 - Uh-uh, sit down! - Just... 412 00:17:03,974 --> 00:17:06,517 I have something to say, okay? 413 00:17:06,518 --> 00:17:08,686 Kim... 414 00:17:08,687 --> 00:17:11,355 Uh... tickled me. 415 00:17:11,356 --> 00:17:13,566 What?! 416 00:17:13,567 --> 00:17:16,694 - I'm sorry. - She's a teacher tickler. 417 00:17:16,695 --> 00:17:18,654 Yeah, she would wait until we were all alone 418 00:17:18,655 --> 00:17:20,823 and then she would just go bananas all over me, 419 00:17:20,824 --> 00:17:22,032 tickling me up and down. 420 00:17:22,033 --> 00:17:23,784 Yep. 421 00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:26,537 So take her away. 422 00:17:26,538 --> 00:17:28,873 What are you talking about? Jack, tickling is not 423 00:17:28,874 --> 00:17:30,541 a punishable offense. 424 00:17:30,542 --> 00:17:32,209 I'd call it lightly frowned upon, 425 00:17:32,210 --> 00:17:34,503 or awkward... if people are watching. 426 00:17:34,504 --> 00:17:37,965 What... so no one cares that she tickled me? 427 00:17:37,966 --> 00:17:40,384 Well then why is Philip, the frickin' best guy I know 428 00:17:40,385 --> 00:17:41,844 in teacher jail right now? 429 00:17:41,845 --> 00:17:43,888 That guy did more than just tickle. 430 00:17:43,889 --> 00:17:45,055 Oh. What else did he do. 431 00:17:45,056 --> 00:17:47,224 Uh, well, he... 432 00:17:47,225 --> 00:17:48,392 - Dated. - Yes. 433 00:17:48,393 --> 00:17:50,561 He dated the CPR dummy. 434 00:17:50,562 --> 00:17:52,730 Uhh, okay, you know what? Look, I'm just gonna... 435 00:17:52,731 --> 00:17:55,065 I'm gonna come clean here. 436 00:17:55,066 --> 00:17:56,942 I was out of the room when the nerd fell, 437 00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:58,944 and Ralph warned me about it. 438 00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:04,074 It's totally my fault. So can we just be done here? 439 00:18:04,075 --> 00:18:06,535 All right, Mr. Griffin is docked three days pay. 440 00:18:06,536 --> 00:18:08,537 Yeah, and must remain in teacher jail... 441 00:18:08,538 --> 00:18:10,080 And will return to his classroom immediately. 442 00:18:10,081 --> 00:18:11,415 Ahh. 443 00:18:11,416 --> 00:18:13,585 This is not over, Durbin. 444 00:18:22,093 --> 00:18:24,094 My name is Mr. Vining. 445 00:18:24,095 --> 00:18:28,057 I am your new teacher, and I... 446 00:18:28,058 --> 00:18:30,601 love biology. 447 00:18:30,602 --> 00:18:32,603 Pretty soon, you're gonna love it as well. 448 00:18:32,604 --> 00:18:34,730 But not just love it, 449 00:18:34,731 --> 00:18:37,484 you're going to understand it. 450 00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:40,986 So let's not waste another moment. 451 00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,738 Our story begins 452 00:18:42,739 --> 00:18:46,951 3.8 billion years ago. 453 00:18:46,952 --> 00:18:49,286 In a humble puddle of amino acid. 454 00:18:49,287 --> 00:18:53,874 You may wanna write that down. 455 00:18:53,875 --> 00:18:55,459 All right, chief. 456 00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:58,462 I appreciate it, but I got it from here. 457 00:18:58,463 --> 00:19:01,091 Oh. Okay. 458 00:19:02,592 --> 00:19:05,260 - Well, uh, fair enough. - Yep. 459 00:19:05,261 --> 00:19:08,472 All right. 460 00:19:08,473 --> 00:19:10,600 Wait. 461 00:19:13,478 --> 00:19:15,980 Well, I'm back. 462 00:19:15,981 --> 00:19:17,147 Did you guys miss me? 463 00:19:17,148 --> 00:19:19,024 Yeah? Little bit? 464 00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:22,027 By the way, I know what y'all did. 465 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:24,989 And, uh, no hard feelings. 466 00:19:24,990 --> 00:19:26,490 What do you mean? 467 00:19:26,491 --> 00:19:27,950 That little accident with Victor, 468 00:19:27,951 --> 00:19:29,326 I know you staged it. 469 00:19:29,327 --> 00:19:30,786 It was just... 470 00:19:30,787 --> 00:19:32,287 it was a little bit too convenient. 471 00:19:32,288 --> 00:19:33,497 You know, the way Victor 472 00:19:33,498 --> 00:19:35,499 fell just after Durbin mentioned 473 00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:37,793 the supervision policy. 474 00:19:37,794 --> 00:19:39,586 But I know Victor... 475 00:19:39,587 --> 00:19:41,797 sweet, simple Victor couldn't come up 476 00:19:41,798 --> 00:19:43,173 with a plan like that on his own. 477 00:19:43,174 --> 00:19:45,176 He probably had a little bit of help. 478 00:19:47,012 --> 00:19:49,013 I don't know what you're talking about. 479 00:19:49,014 --> 00:19:50,806 "I don't know what you're talking about." 480 00:19:50,807 --> 00:19:53,350 Sure you don't. 481 00:19:53,351 --> 00:19:55,519 Well, I gotta say, Serika, you know, I'm impressed. 482 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,479 Yeah, yeah, sometimes I forget 483 00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,189 that even though you're all dumber than me, 484 00:19:59,190 --> 00:20:01,900 there's still some value to your little brains. 485 00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:04,028 Kinda cool. 486 00:20:04,029 --> 00:20:06,823 Well, it's good to be back. 487 00:20:08,158 --> 00:20:11,536 Oh. Who's this little guy? 488 00:20:19,377 --> 00:20:23,881 So... guess you heard I got out. 489 00:20:23,882 --> 00:20:25,883 Guess you heard I'm not just a tickler. 490 00:20:25,884 --> 00:20:28,343 Philip, stop. 491 00:20:28,344 --> 00:20:31,180 You don't need to explain a damn thing to me. 492 00:20:31,181 --> 00:20:32,890 You're not mad? 493 00:20:32,891 --> 00:20:35,559 Well, I'm... I'm mad you didn't tell me the truth. 494 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,394 There's no secrets between us. 495 00:20:37,395 --> 00:20:39,730 And what is a friend, but a single soul 496 00:20:39,731 --> 00:20:41,231 dwelling in two bodies. 497 00:20:41,232 --> 00:20:44,443 Aristotle. My favorite philosopher. 498 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:49,031 Well, second favorite now. 499 00:20:49,032 --> 00:20:51,700 Come here, you dumb perv. 500 00:20:54,079 --> 00:20:55,412 Ahh! 501 00:20:55,413 --> 00:20:57,081 Oh, come on! 502 00:20:57,082 --> 00:20:59,374 Oh, you are so bad. 503 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:26,000 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -