1 00:00:07,926 --> 00:00:10,666 A little known sporting contest, the Olympics, 2 00:00:10,667 --> 00:00:12,732 is coming to America for the first time. 3 00:00:12,802 --> 00:00:16,136 As a Bavarian, I am most excited for the archery competition. 4 00:00:16,204 --> 00:00:17,837 In fact, my nephew Adolf 5 00:00:17,907 --> 00:00:19,906 is coming from Austria to observe. 6 00:00:20,367 --> 00:00:22,046 Bull's-eye! 7 00:00:22,246 --> 00:00:23,654 Adolf, did you see that? 8 00:00:24,341 --> 00:00:25,216 Uncle Victor, 9 00:00:26,259 --> 00:00:28,526 do you ever feel like the beauty of the world 10 00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:30,802 is so intense that your heart may just 11 00:00:30,803 --> 00:00:32,367 explode in your chest? 12 00:00:33,641 --> 00:00:34,875 Oh, my God. 13 00:00:34,876 --> 00:00:37,418 I know he's my nephew, but I must admit, 14 00:00:37,745 --> 00:00:39,879 I do not care for Adolf Hitler. 15 00:00:40,722 --> 00:00:43,530 And that concludes men's archery for today! 16 00:00:43,812 --> 00:00:45,350 Huh. That's queer. 17 00:00:45,351 --> 00:00:47,460 The way he said "men's archery," 18 00:00:47,461 --> 00:00:49,144 as though there could be any other kind. 19 00:00:49,146 --> 00:00:51,239 And now may I present the competitors 20 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:54,453 for the first-ever Olympic women's archery team. 21 00:00:54,454 --> 00:00:55,541 What... did he say "women's"? 22 00:01:00,181 --> 00:01:02,574 Women? In Archery? 23 00:01:02,644 --> 00:01:03,953 Women in archery! 24 00:01:08,852 --> 00:01:11,752 No! 25 00:01:26,244 --> 00:01:29,413 Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com 26 00:01:29,617 --> 00:01:30,949 Absolutely disgusting! 27 00:01:31,026 --> 00:01:32,801 God hates you! You! 28 00:01:33,066 --> 00:01:35,170 And since all women are disabled when it comes to sport, 29 00:01:35,171 --> 00:01:36,958 here to usher in this momentous new occasion, 30 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:39,980 my good friend, the one and only, Helen Keller. 31 00:01:41,150 --> 00:01:42,687 Save your cheers and taunts. 32 00:01:42,688 --> 00:01:44,580 She doesn't know where she is. 33 00:01:44,603 --> 00:01:47,683 Of course they choose Helen Keller to be the ladies' sports ambassador. 34 00:01:47,684 --> 00:01:49,096 She can't even compete! 35 00:01:49,097 --> 00:01:51,539 I never let my circumstance 36 00:01:51,540 --> 00:01:52,950 determine my destiny. 37 00:01:52,966 --> 00:01:55,353 And neither do the inspiring women here. 38 00:01:56,509 --> 00:01:58,639 By the tits of Medusa, don't clap. 39 00:01:58,641 --> 00:02:00,766 She doesn't know you're clapping for her! 40 00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:03,232 Keller or not, I'm joining this archery team. 41 00:02:03,233 --> 00:02:04,703 Prep the sports corset. 42 00:02:04,704 --> 00:02:06,304 Make ready my field gown. 43 00:02:06,590 --> 00:02:09,586 If anyone's going to be famous for sports, it's going to be me. 44 00:02:10,157 --> 00:02:11,179 Help me down. 45 00:02:18,753 --> 00:02:22,220 Freddy, that is not how an adult unpacks. 46 00:02:22,290 --> 00:02:24,874 What are you doing with the Constitution? 47 00:02:24,875 --> 00:02:27,126 - Oh, I signed that. - You should not have done that. 48 00:02:27,195 --> 00:02:28,594 Yeah, there's some tricky stuff 49 00:02:28,662 --> 00:02:30,295 about black people in there. 50 00:02:30,364 --> 00:02:32,798 Just find somewhere safe to keep it. 51 00:02:34,170 --> 00:02:35,201 Freddy. 52 00:02:36,202 --> 00:02:38,003 This is your birth certificate. 53 00:02:40,433 --> 00:02:42,219 Says that you're adopted. 54 00:02:42,844 --> 00:02:43,809 What? 55 00:02:44,657 --> 00:02:48,097 That means your mother and father aren't your mother and father. 56 00:02:49,562 --> 00:02:51,053 Mumu and Pupu? 57 00:02:51,518 --> 00:02:55,189 That means that Lillian and Hortense aren't your sisters. 58 00:02:55,256 --> 00:02:57,122 Oh, no. 59 00:02:57,191 --> 00:02:58,624 Oh, no. 60 00:02:58,694 --> 00:03:00,827 Wait, who's Hortense? 61 00:03:00,895 --> 00:03:03,362 Neither is Beatrice. 62 00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:08,034 I've been... having sex with a stranger my whole life? 63 00:03:08,102 --> 00:03:10,034 No, if Beatrice isn't your sister, 64 00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:12,204 that means you didn't commit incest. 65 00:03:12,273 --> 00:03:13,739 Yes, I understand what it means! 66 00:03:13,809 --> 00:03:14,946 You don't have to rub it in. 67 00:03:14,947 --> 00:03:16,275 No, it's a good thing. 68 00:03:16,345 --> 00:03:18,178 There is no scandal. 69 00:03:18,244 --> 00:03:20,545 You're just... a regular adulterer. 70 00:03:20,613 --> 00:03:21,813 It's a good thing? 71 00:03:21,882 --> 00:03:23,381 Yes, everyone in Washington 72 00:03:23,451 --> 00:03:25,284 cheats on their wives and vice versa. 73 00:03:25,353 --> 00:03:26,265 What? 74 00:03:26,266 --> 00:03:29,330 We'll announce the good news right after the Olympics. 75 00:03:31,827 --> 00:03:34,159 I cannot believe they're allowing female archers 76 00:03:34,228 --> 00:03:35,896 into the Olympics! 77 00:03:35,963 --> 00:03:38,664 I mean, archery was our final refuge. 78 00:03:38,732 --> 00:03:41,099 Yes, we have our clubs and our corporations, 79 00:03:41,168 --> 00:03:42,567 and the entire Congress, but 80 00:03:42,636 --> 00:03:45,203 what does any of it mean without archery? 81 00:03:45,273 --> 00:03:48,526 Why can't women be happy with traditional ladies' sports, 82 00:03:48,527 --> 00:03:50,909 like giving me a backrub or... 83 00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:52,779 no sports at all? 84 00:03:52,846 --> 00:03:55,079 It's not even the fact that they're women. 85 00:03:55,149 --> 00:03:58,985 It's just that archery was good as it was. 86 00:03:59,603 --> 00:04:02,093 And do you know what burns me? 87 00:04:02,224 --> 00:04:04,670 When you're courting a woman and you think you have a... 88 00:04:04,671 --> 00:04:06,359 a very good conversation 89 00:04:06,427 --> 00:04:08,726 about the value of her father's horses, 90 00:04:08,797 --> 00:04:11,196 and so you give your calling card to her butler. 91 00:04:11,266 --> 00:04:13,731 And then she takes two weeks 92 00:04:13,802 --> 00:04:17,804 to have her servant deliver her calling card to your butler. 93 00:04:17,872 --> 00:04:20,939 - I mean, what are we even doing? - What are we doing? 94 00:04:21,009 --> 00:04:23,610 Honestly, women's archery is but the first step 95 00:04:23,679 --> 00:04:25,611 towards a world none of us would recognize. 96 00:04:25,679 --> 00:04:28,306 Gentlemen, it is time to take action. 97 00:04:28,307 --> 00:04:29,757 Excuse me, Uncle Victor, 98 00:04:30,328 --> 00:04:33,326 but this conversation's a bit too barbaric for my taste. 99 00:04:34,122 --> 00:04:36,220 Could I please go to the garden and draw? 100 00:04:36,290 --> 00:04:38,123 Yes, go. 101 00:04:40,696 --> 00:04:42,328 What was that? 102 00:04:43,864 --> 00:04:46,176 Timothy, I have great news. 103 00:04:46,177 --> 00:04:48,008 You're a princess. 104 00:04:48,847 --> 00:04:51,110 Beatrice, I have great news. 105 00:04:51,172 --> 00:04:51,990 What is it? 106 00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:54,807 You and I are not brother and sister. 107 00:04:54,882 --> 00:04:57,153 But... we have all the same servants. 108 00:04:57,154 --> 00:05:00,412 I know, but Celery found my gift certificate, and I'm adopted. 109 00:05:00,482 --> 00:05:01,814 Do you know what this means? 110 00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:02,851 No. 111 00:05:02,852 --> 00:05:05,251 It means that we can finally be together. 112 00:05:05,319 --> 00:05:08,153 - Oh, Frederick. - Oh. 113 00:05:14,595 --> 00:05:16,761 What? Is it my breath? 114 00:05:16,831 --> 00:05:18,061 Because I've been playing this game 115 00:05:18,131 --> 00:05:19,752 where I brush my teeth never. 116 00:05:19,912 --> 00:05:21,846 No, that's not it. 117 00:05:22,271 --> 00:05:24,588 It feels like something's missing. 118 00:05:25,273 --> 00:05:26,430 With us. 119 00:05:27,454 --> 00:05:29,172 Well, then, we have to go find it. 120 00:05:40,155 --> 00:05:42,355 All wealthy women learn archery when they're young. 121 00:05:42,424 --> 00:05:43,890 It's the only sport that teaches 122 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,759 the three basic tenets of womanhood: 123 00:05:45,826 --> 00:05:48,559 silence, standing still, and crushing boredom. 124 00:05:49,044 --> 00:05:50,700 Hear ye! Hear ye! 125 00:05:51,781 --> 00:05:54,557 We are the WNBA! 126 00:05:55,471 --> 00:05:58,608 The Worried Nationalists on Behalf of Archery. 127 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,807 And we are here to claim 128 00:06:00,876 --> 00:06:04,143 archery as a sport for gentlemen! 129 00:06:05,413 --> 00:06:08,646 So get your fat, bloated pig face 130 00:06:08,715 --> 00:06:10,482 off of my archery range! 131 00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,258 I'll tell you what, Victor. 132 00:06:12,259 --> 00:06:14,762 We'll leave if you can hit the bull's-eye. 133 00:06:15,349 --> 00:06:17,332 Hell, we'll leave if you can even hit the target. 134 00:06:18,947 --> 00:06:20,676 Please. 135 00:06:20,745 --> 00:06:23,212 This is so easy. 136 00:06:35,110 --> 00:06:35,664 Ow. 137 00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:37,926 No, no, no, this is... 138 00:06:37,997 --> 00:06:39,329 this is a bow for women. 139 00:06:39,397 --> 00:06:40,897 It's not regulation. 140 00:06:40,966 --> 00:06:42,432 - Yeah. - Stop laughing. 141 00:06:42,516 --> 00:06:45,227 No, no, actually... keep laughing. 142 00:06:45,228 --> 00:06:47,903 As a man, I command you to keep laughing. 143 00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:49,906 - That's it. - Ha-ha-ha. 144 00:06:51,139 --> 00:06:52,236 This isn't over. 145 00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:54,784 I've got quite a few more arrows in my... 146 00:06:56,505 --> 00:06:58,947 uh, what's the thing they keep the arrows in? 147 00:06:59,988 --> 00:07:02,604 My arrow... holder. 148 00:07:04,253 --> 00:07:06,552 Beatrice and I lost our love somewhere, 149 00:07:06,771 --> 00:07:09,000 so we decided to retrace our steps 150 00:07:09,032 --> 00:07:10,399 and see where we left it. 151 00:07:10,832 --> 00:07:12,098 And hopefully it's in the house, 152 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:14,078 because I once lost a teddy bear in the woods 153 00:07:14,079 --> 00:07:15,505 and I never... 154 00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:20,927 I never... 155 00:07:24,357 --> 00:07:25,992 still out there. 156 00:07:26,824 --> 00:07:28,638 Remember when we were babies, 157 00:07:28,724 --> 00:07:31,136 and also last year when we used to take baths together? 158 00:07:31,137 --> 00:07:32,147 Mm-hmm. 159 00:07:32,148 --> 00:07:34,202 Maybe this is where we lost our love. 160 00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:35,214 Oh, Frederick. 161 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,812 I don't think we left our love in the tub. 162 00:07:43,382 --> 00:07:44,857 Remember this place, 163 00:07:45,161 --> 00:07:47,396 where I lost my virginity to you... 164 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,040 and you're pretty sure you lost it to me? 165 00:07:50,041 --> 00:07:52,057 Maybe this is where we lost our love. 166 00:07:52,434 --> 00:07:53,898 Oh, Frederick. 167 00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:58,411 I'm sorry. 168 00:07:58,412 --> 00:08:00,218 I don't think we left it here either. 169 00:08:00,238 --> 00:08:01,614 Remember this place? 170 00:08:03,289 --> 00:08:04,335 No. 171 00:08:04,723 --> 00:08:05,598 Not at all. 172 00:08:06,322 --> 00:08:09,318 Me neither. I don't think I've even ever been in this room before. 173 00:08:09,319 --> 00:08:10,740 Why did I bring you here? 174 00:08:12,071 --> 00:08:14,156 Frederick. Did you ever think... 175 00:08:14,157 --> 00:08:16,669 Don't say it. Don't say that I would have lost 176 00:08:16,671 --> 00:08:18,255 that foot race to Chucky Addleston if I hadn't 177 00:08:18,256 --> 00:08:20,798 told him his mother died of an exploding brain. 178 00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:21,653 I wasn't. 179 00:08:21,952 --> 00:08:22,550 Oh. 180 00:08:23,338 --> 00:08:24,557 I was going to say, 181 00:08:24,995 --> 00:08:26,775 do you think maybe our love is gone because 182 00:08:26,776 --> 00:08:28,657 we're no longer brother and sister? 183 00:08:29,220 --> 00:08:31,046 Well, maybe we can just pretend. 184 00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:32,310 You mean, like role play? 185 00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:34,013 Ooh! I call Beatrice. 186 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,265 You always get to be Beatrice. 187 00:08:35,266 --> 00:08:37,771 Well, maybe because I'm better at it than you. 188 00:08:39,469 --> 00:08:42,436 "Grr. I'm Beatrice. And I'm your sister. 189 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:45,724 And I'll poison the nanny if she tries to teach us the alphabet." 190 00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:49,493 "Ooh, I'm Frederick. And I'm your brother. 191 00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:51,162 We share the same toilet." 192 00:08:51,233 --> 00:08:51,918 Oh. 193 00:08:53,267 --> 00:08:55,109 And we share the same... 194 00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:57,047 Parents. 195 00:08:57,250 --> 00:08:58,701 - Oh, Beatrice. - Oh, Frederick. 196 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,576 Oh, oh, oh, be gentle. 197 00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:05,710 Ah! 198 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,049 Wait, wait. 199 00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:15,535 It's no use. 200 00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:17,705 I think, maybe, 201 00:09:18,323 --> 00:09:21,358 being twins was the only thing keeping us together. 202 00:09:21,529 --> 00:09:24,463 Guess I'll just have to go find my real parents. 203 00:09:24,532 --> 00:09:27,314 Maybe I have a real sister who I can have sex with. 204 00:09:28,069 --> 00:09:29,344 She's a lucky girl. 205 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:30,744 I know. 206 00:09:42,580 --> 00:09:44,333 Words didn't seem to deter them, 207 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:47,367 so the WNBA is taking things up a notch. 208 00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:50,250 Why, Judith, 209 00:09:50,251 --> 00:09:52,405 these are your private boudoir drawings. 210 00:09:55,946 --> 00:09:57,845 Ah! 211 00:09:57,913 --> 00:09:59,579 Smile less! 212 00:09:59,649 --> 00:10:01,381 What do you have to be so happy about? 213 00:10:01,448 --> 00:10:03,248 I'm going back to Iowa. 214 00:10:06,922 --> 00:10:07,648 Telegram. 215 00:10:08,558 --> 00:10:10,957 "I'm going to [bleep]... stop... your face... stop." 216 00:10:11,026 --> 00:10:11,803 I quit! 217 00:10:15,947 --> 00:10:17,962 Oh, my God. 218 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:22,568 "Next time, this goes into your uterus." 219 00:10:26,308 --> 00:10:27,675 Well done, gentlemen. 220 00:10:27,744 --> 00:10:29,077 Well done. 221 00:10:29,810 --> 00:10:32,010 This one? 222 00:10:32,079 --> 00:10:33,613 I'll take care of her. 223 00:10:43,891 --> 00:10:45,834 What is that wonderful aroma? 224 00:11:09,385 --> 00:11:11,450 Good Shabbos, Hamish. 225 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,552 Good Shabbos, Doctor. 226 00:11:13,622 --> 00:11:14,540 Oh. 227 00:11:15,790 --> 00:11:16,821 Hello. 228 00:11:17,294 --> 00:11:18,491 Can we help you? 229 00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,293 Yeah. What is this table of delights? 230 00:11:20,361 --> 00:11:22,062 Why, this is Shabbat. 231 00:11:22,130 --> 00:11:24,663 It's the centerpiece of the entire Jewish faith. 232 00:11:24,733 --> 00:11:26,932 Oh. Where are our manners? 233 00:11:27,001 --> 00:11:29,068 Take a seat. Huh? Join us. 234 00:11:29,139 --> 00:11:30,904 All are welcome here. 235 00:11:32,006 --> 00:11:34,741 Are you not going to the women's archery event? 236 00:11:34,809 --> 00:11:36,342 The women's archery event? 237 00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:39,827 What will they think of next? 238 00:11:39,828 --> 00:11:41,549 Women's shoes? 239 00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:43,749 Medicine, but for women? 240 00:11:46,656 --> 00:11:50,156 Ah, smells like the hallah's ready. 241 00:11:52,621 --> 00:11:54,595 Damn it, Lillian. Listen to reason. 242 00:11:54,663 --> 00:11:56,996 A woman has no place in an archery competition. 243 00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:59,299 Listen to me, you festering boil, 244 00:11:59,369 --> 00:12:00,567 women aren't good at anything. 245 00:12:00,635 --> 00:12:02,102 We're not smart enough to vote. 246 00:12:02,172 --> 00:12:03,838 We're not stable enough to own property. 247 00:12:03,905 --> 00:12:05,539 We can't be trusted with a bank account. 248 00:12:05,608 --> 00:12:07,174 And on top of that, we're not funny. 249 00:12:07,242 --> 00:12:08,236 That's true. 250 00:12:08,237 --> 00:12:09,909 But we can shoot a [bleep] arrow 251 00:12:09,977 --> 00:12:11,201 into a goddamn target, 252 00:12:11,202 --> 00:12:12,777 so just give me that one little thing. 253 00:12:12,847 --> 00:12:14,112 God, why won't you drop out 254 00:12:14,183 --> 00:12:15,313 like your pathetic little friends? 255 00:12:15,384 --> 00:12:16,435 I don't know if you've heard, 256 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,853 but your little archery whores are proving to be cowards 257 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:20,786 in the face of very real threats of violence 258 00:12:20,856 --> 00:12:21,922 from me. 259 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:24,075 Yes, well, now that you've eliminated my competition, 260 00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:25,661 the gold will be all mine. 261 00:12:25,727 --> 00:12:26,991 I wanted to thank you for that. 262 00:12:27,062 --> 00:12:29,294 You're so thoughtful. 263 00:12:30,265 --> 00:12:31,899 So then the farmer goes to Heaven, 264 00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:32,766 and he says to God... 265 00:12:34,737 --> 00:12:36,002 And then God says to the farmer... 266 00:12:43,779 --> 00:12:46,045 We are having so much fun with you, little boy. 267 00:12:46,115 --> 00:12:47,714 - You know, I've got an idea. - Yes? 268 00:12:47,784 --> 00:12:49,384 Why don't we go round the table 269 00:12:49,451 --> 00:12:52,685 and engage in that ancient Jewish ritual, 270 00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:55,956 where we say whom, if we could travel back in time, 271 00:12:56,024 --> 00:12:57,557 each of us would kill. 272 00:12:57,626 --> 00:12:59,626 Oh, good, good. I love this game. 273 00:12:59,693 --> 00:13:01,294 - Go, go, go, go. - Okay. 274 00:13:01,362 --> 00:13:02,714 I would choose Marco Polo 275 00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:04,964 for stealing pasta from the Chinese. 276 00:13:05,033 --> 00:13:06,767 Let's see. Who would I choose? 277 00:13:06,837 --> 00:13:08,501 I think that I would choose 278 00:13:08,569 --> 00:13:10,369 my ex-lover, Louise. 279 00:13:10,439 --> 00:13:12,433 Oh, wait! No, she's still alive. 280 00:13:12,434 --> 00:13:14,373 So, technically, I could kill her now. 281 00:13:14,443 --> 00:13:16,443 So, um, uh, Marco Polo as well. 282 00:13:16,510 --> 00:13:19,060 - Marco Polo. - What about you, little Adolf? 283 00:13:19,061 --> 00:13:21,179 Yes, Hitler, who would you kill 284 00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:22,983 if you could go back in time? 285 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,642 Oh, I... 286 00:13:27,643 --> 00:13:29,303 I don't like to think about violence. 287 00:13:29,727 --> 00:13:31,491 It makes my tummy queasy. 288 00:13:31,559 --> 00:13:33,791 - Ah. - Oh, well. 289 00:13:33,862 --> 00:13:36,295 You're a better man than I. 290 00:13:36,366 --> 00:13:37,731 To Adolf Hitler! 291 00:13:37,799 --> 00:13:39,799 To Adolf "Peaceful" Hitler! 292 00:13:39,870 --> 00:13:41,602 Shabbat shalom, young man. 293 00:13:41,669 --> 00:13:43,469 - Yes. - Sha... bbat shalom. 294 00:13:43,539 --> 00:13:44,605 Mm. 295 00:13:47,108 --> 00:13:48,305 And... bite 296 00:13:48,376 --> 00:13:50,924 and chew and chew and bite 297 00:13:50,925 --> 00:13:53,246 and chew and chew and chew 298 00:13:53,314 --> 00:13:54,712 and bite. 299 00:13:54,779 --> 00:13:57,844 And chew and chew and chew and chew... 300 00:13:58,086 --> 00:13:59,720 I saw my birth certificate. 301 00:13:59,788 --> 00:14:01,154 I know that I am adopted, 302 00:14:01,222 --> 00:14:03,154 and that Beatrice is not my sister. 303 00:14:03,223 --> 00:14:05,123 So you don't have to lie to me anymore, Mother. 304 00:14:05,193 --> 00:14:06,445 If that is your real name. 305 00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,694 Don't be ridiculous, Frederick. 306 00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:10,297 Keep chewing, Garfield. 307 00:14:10,366 --> 00:14:13,133 You and Beatrice are both my children. 308 00:14:13,202 --> 00:14:15,711 I gave birth to you, remember? 309 00:14:18,169 --> 00:14:19,740 I don't remember. 310 00:14:19,808 --> 00:14:22,174 Frederick, you're not adopted. 311 00:14:22,245 --> 00:14:23,498 Now, please leave. 312 00:14:23,499 --> 00:14:25,845 I've just started a new health regimen. 313 00:14:27,939 --> 00:14:29,437 And... bite 314 00:14:29,637 --> 00:14:32,170 and chew and chew and chew 315 00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,621 and bite and chew and chew. 316 00:14:34,691 --> 00:14:35,734 New apple. 317 00:14:36,953 --> 00:14:37,977 Goddamn Dodo. 318 00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:40,026 Of course I forged that birth certificate. 319 00:14:40,095 --> 00:14:41,109 But don't worry, 320 00:14:41,522 --> 00:14:44,352 I'll find a way to get Frederick into the White House. 321 00:14:44,919 --> 00:14:45,597 And now, 322 00:14:46,339 --> 00:14:48,317 the moment you have all been waiting for: 323 00:14:48,450 --> 00:14:51,950 the Women's Lady-Archery Finals. 324 00:14:52,073 --> 00:14:53,573 Get off the field! 325 00:14:55,510 --> 00:14:57,876 Unfortunately, all of the other competitors 326 00:14:57,946 --> 00:15:00,366 have dropped out, other than Lillian Bellacourt. 327 00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,115 - Which means... - I win. 328 00:15:02,183 --> 00:15:03,749 I win the gold! 329 00:15:03,818 --> 00:15:05,452 The event is cancelled. 330 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,175 Of course, you can't have a competition without competitors, so. 331 00:15:08,176 --> 00:15:10,356 Well, that's not fair. I've already had my neck girded 332 00:15:10,425 --> 00:15:12,258 to support the weight of the heavy gold medal. 333 00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:14,860 If life were fair, Lillian, then lemons would be sweet 334 00:15:14,861 --> 00:15:17,194 and my wife would be her brother, Gary. 335 00:15:17,265 --> 00:15:20,033 You shall not play archery today. 336 00:15:22,469 --> 00:15:26,281 Ladies, are you going to let these sniveling half-men 337 00:15:26,282 --> 00:15:28,606 intimidate you into giving up the chance 338 00:15:28,677 --> 00:15:30,795 to lose a competition to me? 339 00:15:31,503 --> 00:15:32,524 Who's with me? 340 00:15:33,201 --> 00:15:33,880 Wait! 341 00:15:34,221 --> 00:15:35,816 I will compete. 342 00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,151 May the woman with the most functioning senses win. 343 00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:44,958 Beatrice, there are you. 344 00:15:45,025 --> 00:15:46,693 I have wonderful news. 345 00:15:46,761 --> 00:15:49,160 I spoke with Mother, and she is positive 346 00:15:49,231 --> 00:15:50,361 that we both came out of her. 347 00:15:50,432 --> 00:15:52,298 We are brother and sister. 348 00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:53,834 Oh, Frederick! 349 00:15:53,901 --> 00:15:54,967 Mmm. 350 00:15:58,707 --> 00:15:59,856 - Wait. - Mm? 351 00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:02,058 - Wait. - What? 352 00:16:02,478 --> 00:16:04,417 I just remembered where we lost our love. 353 00:16:04,418 --> 00:16:07,234 - It was here, in this room. - Ah. 354 00:16:07,235 --> 00:16:08,948 When you blamed me for our relationship 355 00:16:09,018 --> 00:16:10,804 and sent me to live in a nunnery. 356 00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:13,681 How does that have anything to do with this? 357 00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:15,589 Well, you were mean to me. 358 00:16:15,656 --> 00:16:18,139 And for reasons I don't understand, 359 00:16:18,459 --> 00:16:21,383 that makes me not want to have sex with you anymore. 360 00:16:21,996 --> 00:16:24,395 I just don't understand how my behavior 361 00:16:24,466 --> 00:16:27,166 and your desire to have sex with me are at all related. 362 00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:28,428 I don't know either. 363 00:16:29,038 --> 00:16:30,538 But it's over, Frederick. 364 00:16:30,606 --> 00:16:32,472 No. It can't be over. 365 00:16:32,540 --> 00:16:34,972 No, Beatrice, wait... don't leave me. 366 00:16:35,043 --> 00:16:36,409 Where are you going? 367 00:16:36,477 --> 00:16:38,145 I'm going to watch women's archery. 368 00:16:39,747 --> 00:16:41,313 Women's archery? 369 00:16:41,381 --> 00:16:42,982 Don't laugh. It's not funny! 370 00:16:43,052 --> 00:16:44,452 It's pretty funny. 371 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,986 No, no! Beatrice, please don't leave me. 372 00:16:47,648 --> 00:16:48,951 Adolf, I just gotta say, 373 00:16:48,952 --> 00:16:50,369 I can't get it out of my mind. 374 00:16:50,370 --> 00:16:53,114 Why wouldn't you kill somebody 375 00:16:53,115 --> 00:16:54,945 if you knew that you could get away with it hum? 376 00:16:54,946 --> 00:16:58,262 Yes, even I, who have taken an oath to preserve life, 377 00:16:58,263 --> 00:16:59,833 other than those lives that I've taken 378 00:16:59,835 --> 00:17:01,702 through medical malpractice, would 379 00:17:01,796 --> 00:17:04,353 love to kill a man from time to time. 380 00:17:04,354 --> 00:17:06,293 Destroying life is destroying art. 381 00:17:07,021 --> 00:17:08,567 Und I am an artist. 382 00:17:09,255 --> 00:17:10,720 You're an artist? 383 00:17:10,754 --> 00:17:13,194 Keeping secrets, Hitler. We love art. 384 00:17:13,195 --> 00:17:14,725 - We love art... show us some. - Show us. 385 00:17:14,726 --> 00:17:16,037 You want to see my art? 386 00:17:16,038 --> 00:17:17,132 - Yes! - Yes, of course. 387 00:17:17,133 --> 00:17:18,218 We'd love to. 388 00:17:18,219 --> 00:17:19,529 Hitler, please. 389 00:17:22,431 --> 00:17:22,997 Oh. 390 00:17:23,138 --> 00:17:26,577 It is a boy who is eating the jelly, butter, and peanut sandwich. 391 00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:28,260 Well, Hitler, 392 00:17:28,445 --> 00:17:32,581 I must say, this art... 393 00:17:34,299 --> 00:17:34,847 Stinks! 394 00:17:36,485 --> 00:17:38,785 Oh, it does. You are a bad artist. 395 00:17:38,786 --> 00:17:40,970 Were you using shit for ink? 396 00:17:40,971 --> 00:17:42,813 Because pee-yew. 397 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:45,418 Mother says I show great promise. 398 00:17:45,419 --> 00:17:47,405 Oh, Mother is an idiot. 399 00:17:47,406 --> 00:17:50,396 Your mother should only make one great promise. 400 00:17:50,397 --> 00:17:53,383 And that's to keep you away from the art supplies. 401 00:17:58,384 --> 00:17:59,411 I hate you! 402 00:17:59,873 --> 00:18:00,908 I'm sorry, 403 00:18:00,909 --> 00:18:03,268 did you just say, "I hate Jew"? 404 00:18:03,269 --> 00:18:05,642 No. I said I hate you. 405 00:18:05,955 --> 00:18:07,299 You are terrible people! 406 00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:08,471 Just terrible! 407 00:18:09,264 --> 00:18:11,590 Now I know who I'd kill 408 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:12,902 if I went back in time. 409 00:18:13,794 --> 00:18:15,027 Myself! 410 00:18:17,253 --> 00:18:19,512 Well, that was dramatic. 411 00:18:19,513 --> 00:18:22,341 I got it. 412 00:18:24,918 --> 00:18:27,921 And so, Helen Keller's final arrow, 413 00:18:27,922 --> 00:18:30,657 like the previous two, has failed 414 00:18:30,658 --> 00:18:32,350 to make not only the target, 415 00:18:32,351 --> 00:18:33,815 but that end of the field completely. 416 00:18:33,816 --> 00:18:35,504 I think this is perhaps because 417 00:18:35,739 --> 00:18:38,018 she is not a trained archer 418 00:18:38,019 --> 00:18:39,741 and, of course, she is as blind 419 00:18:39,742 --> 00:18:41,704 as a Louisiana bluesman. 420 00:18:41,899 --> 00:18:43,261 Which means all 421 00:18:43,519 --> 00:18:46,160 that Lillian Bellacourt must do now is 422 00:18:46,161 --> 00:18:49,476 simply hit the target at all to win. 423 00:18:52,691 --> 00:18:54,990 Stand down! 424 00:18:56,099 --> 00:18:57,331 Not today, Victor. 425 00:18:57,332 --> 00:18:58,636 It is verboten! 426 00:18:58,964 --> 00:19:01,917 Which is German for "don't [bleep] do it!" 427 00:19:02,229 --> 00:19:04,109 Well, I don't speak German because I'm a woman 428 00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:06,183 and no one ever bothered to send me to school. 429 00:19:06,184 --> 00:19:07,490 Now, get out of the way. 430 00:19:07,943 --> 00:19:09,306 I won't get out of the way 431 00:19:09,634 --> 00:19:11,833 for you or any other woman. 432 00:19:11,902 --> 00:19:13,863 For you have made men the target. 433 00:19:14,282 --> 00:19:17,016 Do it, Lillian! End him! 434 00:19:20,710 --> 00:19:21,841 Get out of the way! 435 00:19:21,842 --> 00:19:23,542 You'll have to kill me first. 436 00:19:27,381 --> 00:19:29,515 Well, this isn't a hard decision at all. 437 00:19:36,224 --> 00:19:37,255 I won! 438 00:19:37,324 --> 00:19:39,025 I won! Where's my gold? 439 00:19:39,092 --> 00:19:40,659 Where's my gold? 440 00:19:40,727 --> 00:19:42,393 Oh, no. No, no, no. 441 00:19:42,463 --> 00:19:44,463 No, you see, you haven't actually won anything yet. 442 00:19:44,532 --> 00:19:45,831 There's no gold? 443 00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:48,032 Well, no, no, but you have won 444 00:19:48,101 --> 00:19:51,602 the chance to compete in the actual Olympics, 445 00:19:51,672 --> 00:19:53,153 which are, of course, in the far future. 446 00:19:53,154 --> 00:19:54,499 This isn't the Olympics? 447 00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:56,140 We're in Newport. 448 00:19:56,209 --> 00:19:57,710 These were the trials. 449 00:19:57,780 --> 00:20:00,380 But you have won the chance 450 00:20:00,448 --> 00:20:02,484 to represent women everywhere. 451 00:20:02,485 --> 00:20:04,250 But I don't care about women anywhere. 452 00:20:04,319 --> 00:20:05,283 Sorry, girls. 453 00:20:05,352 --> 00:20:06,418 Next stop, 454 00:20:06,487 --> 00:20:08,586 a no-expenses-paid trip 455 00:20:08,656 --> 00:20:10,955 to St. Louis, Missouri. 456 00:20:11,025 --> 00:20:13,056 That's right, opal of the Mississippi. 457 00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:14,961 Which happens to have three two-star hotels, 458 00:20:15,028 --> 00:20:16,894 one of which is a riverboat. 459 00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:18,897 - Hm? - St. Louis? 460 00:20:18,966 --> 00:20:20,265 Think of the catfish. 461 00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:22,400 - I could get scalped! - Mm-hmm. 462 00:20:22,469 --> 00:20:24,868 I wouldn't be caught dead in a rail-over state. 463 00:20:24,938 --> 00:20:26,237 Hm. 464 00:20:26,306 --> 00:20:27,640 I supposed Helen Keller wins. 465 00:20:27,707 --> 00:20:28,906 Tell her she won. 466 00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:55,332 _ 467 00:21:01,975 --> 00:21:03,309 Oh. I'm sorry. 468 00:21:03,377 --> 00:21:05,476 I don't think we left it here either. 469 00:21:05,546 --> 00:21:07,579 Blanche, finish me off! 470 00:21:09,716 --> 00:21:11,315 Oh, [bleep], [bleep]! 471 00:21:13,823 --> 00:21:15,256 Thank you.