Oh, I'll have a Bloody Mary. Thanks.
Oh, I wonder if the hotel has a pool.
Matt, no. I forbid you to go swimming.
This is the corporate retreat, not MTV's Spring Break.
Jake, this is the closest I've had to a vacation in years.
All I wanna do is have some fun
and maybe drunkenly say something
way too personal to a coworker that I'll always regret.
Matt, look. This weekend is about one thing:
forming superficial relationships with people
you can exploit in the future. It's called networking.
"Shirley Moser, SVP Marketing.
"Son banned from Wal-Mart
after Sudafed incident"? What is this?
It's everyone I met at last year's retreat.
Names, emails, and one dark secret per person
for possible future blackmailing.
Well, you're a well-organized sociopath.
If you're over 30 and don't have a spreadsheet
of everyone you've ever met, you're behind in life.
I'm so bad with names. And faces.
I have close friends whose names I don't know.
Oh, my God!
I knew it! I knew our pilot sucked.
He was too folksy on the PA.
Jake, I just want you to know that you're
my best friend... at work. You're my best work friend.
Oh, my God! I've wasted my whole life!
I forgive you.
Are we... okay?
Good news.
That crash you just experienced
was just a simulation.
Surprise! And our apologies if you were traumatized.
Fun fact: Coworkers who have co-survived
a near-death experience are more bonded
than coworkers who have not almost co-died together.
So, congrats! Oh, and if your final thoughts
weren't of Hampton DeVille, then you've got a lot
of work to do this weekend. Happy retreat!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
Hello, and welcome, Hampton DeVillionaires...
To the first day of the rest
of your corporate lives.
Now, go ahead, put your hands together
for "Inside Trader" magazine's
most motivating motivational speakers
of 2012, 2013, and 2K-16...
Jeff and Gretchen Palmer!
Re-certivity!
Re-turbulation.
Acrownting.
Analystix.
- Constanceuance. - Inter-trans-deviation.
Sporg.
None of those words made any sense, right?
But you listened to them. Why?
Because we said them with confidence.
That's not funny.
Just laugh. If you pretend to be brainwashed,
they can't brainwash you.
"Team." That's a real word, isn't it, Jeff?
That's right, Gretch. In fact, every corporation
is kind of like a team, right?
Hell, every marriage is like a team, right, hon?
And my husband Jeff and I are the ultimate team.
Do you wanna know why?
Do you want to know why?
Because we are total...
AHOLEs!
That's right!
"Alphas Who Only Like Excellence."
That's what we are, and that's what you can be.
Who out there, Hampton DeVille, wants to be an AHOLE?
Come on! Anybody?
What are you doing? Never participate.
Hey, how about you? All right, this guy!
All right, look at this big, tall giraffe.
Okay?
Tell everyone your name, you big, tall giraffe.
Uh, it's Matt.
Human being, not a giraffe.
All right. Hey, took a lot of courage
to volunteer like that, Matt.
Oh, yeah, no. I mean, all I did was raise my hand.
It's not rocket science, right?
Okay, Matt. Um, let's go ahead,
and let's do a little hypothetical.
Let's say you're at a restaurant, and you find
a little hair inside of your food.
How do you handle that situation?
Oh, I mean, I'd probably just take the hair out
and still eat the food.
I don't sweat the small stuff.
- Oh. - Wow.
Wow. That truly is amazing.
Let's applaud for that. That's amazing.
Yeah, yeah. That's amazing. You know why it's amazing?
'Cause I've never seen raw human dog shit talk.
- What? - Whoa, he keeps making noises!
This is some talkative dog shit.
Seriously, Matt.
I mean, you must really think of yourself as
unflushed toilet water to think that you deserve
to eat food with hair in it.
I think that it is clear to me,
to my baby Jeff, to everyone in this room,
that you are a very weak person.
Would you agree with that statement?
No, I don't think so.
Wrong answer, toilet giraffe.
But guess what? We are gonna mold you
from a weak pile of dog shit into an...
- AHOLE! - Yeah!
Yeah! Come on, guys.
Am I a weak person?
Well, you're definitely weak.
I don't know if you're a person.
I just always thought of myself as confident.
You think I'm confident, right, Jake?
- No. - Okay, that's fair.
Now let's get dressed.
We're going to the networking mixer.
I'm not really in a networking mood.
The whole company thinks I'm a toilet giraffe.
I think I'm just gonna go to the pool.
Nobody's ever in a networking mood.
It's just something we do to survive,
like lying to your therapist.
Now let's go trick some people into liking us.
Oh... Okay.
And how's that lovely girlfriend of yours, Seth?
And how's that adorable son of yours, Connie?
And how's your prostate, Jerry?
And how's that adorable little daughter of yours, Melanie?
Dead. And my name is Julie.
Do you guys like politics, or...
Do you wanna network with me?
- Great. - You know what, never mind.
I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm apologizing so much,
but I've been saying sorry to a lot of people tonight.
Hopefully we can be business partners, or...
We can stay in touch. We'll stay in touch.
I'll put you in an Excel spreadsheet.
Nice talking to you, Tim,
and good luck with your worm farm!
Hey, my contacts!
Pssh. Bill Patterson? He'll give his card
- to the bathroom attendant. - Well, I have a comprehensive
Excel spreadsheet with over 500 names, emails,
and personal details, so I think I know how to network.
Excel, huh? That's cute. I use Google Docs myself
'cause I'm actually serious about networking.
"Jake Levinson, Junior Executive in Training."
Pleasure to meet you.
"Natasha Riggs, Junior VP of HD Analytics." Same.
I'd love to keep in touch, Natasha.
Are you trying to network with me?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
I didn't know you laugh.
I do. Hey, I'll have another piņa colada.
- Make it two. - You know, John, it has
been great to get to know you outside the office,
- get to know the real you, et cetera. - Yeah.
Along those lines, here's an idea...
and I'm open to discussion on it.
- Okay. - What if we fucked?
Huh. Well, that's interesting.
I'm definitely open to the idea.
Should we maybe make a list of pros and cons?
Oh, yeah. Excellent suggestion.
- Great. - Okay, here's a pro.
Retreat sex is the best sex.
True. Pro: Sex between us could be
- a team-building exercise. - True.
Now here's a con.
Sex could be the biggest mistake
- of our lives. - Oh, for sure.
Excuse me, bartender? Excuse me.
Bartender! Bourbon, neat,
and a vodka soda with two limes for my lady. Thank you, sir.
Oh, hey, Matt. Didn't see you there at all.
Do you want something from the bar?
I've got the bartender's attention.
Guess I'll take a whiskey.
Whiskey, please. For my friend.
Hey. Sorry for singling you out back there before.
I know that can feel pretty embarrassing,
but it really is a good thing.
First step to being a fully confident human being
is to be truly ashamed of yourself.
We're actually throwing a seminar tomorrow
for the highers-up.
If you want to join, there's an open slot.
Why? So you can call me "dog shit giraffe" again?
Uh, no, probably not.
Look, there is something truly great in you.
You just gotta tap that potential.
Seminar's tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. by the swimming pond.
Let's pretend this is a safe space.
Sharing intimate secrets with coworkers can
bond us together and increase communication
in the workplace.
Now, who wants to share first?
I never admitted this before, but...
I hate my grandkids. They just suck.
One time I hit a deer with my car...
because I wanted to.
- Look, I am just gonna say this: I am a cutter,
and that works for me.
And that's when I realized
I had inadvertently helped do 9/11.
- Beautiful. - So, so great. Gorgeous.
Let's all give Ted a big round of applause
and help him feel supported.
Support Ted.
Okay, seems like everyone has shared.
Except for you, Matt.
Matt, why so shy?
Oh, yeah, I-I don't really know if this is for me.
I might just go for a swim.
Come on, Matt. We've all shared
with each other, except for you.
Just tell us something simple. Be confident.
Like, how did you lose your virginity?
Oh. Uh...
Okay. Well, I was in college,
and it was Halloween night, and we were watching a movie.
Spooky. What movie?
I'd rather not say.
Come on, come on.
It was "Hocus Pocus."
Excellent film.
Anyway, I got distracted by the movie,
and it lasted way too long,
and that's the end of that story.
No, no, no, no. It's not, Matt.
We gotta go way, way deeper.
Way deeper.
I fully trust you with my heart and mind
to close-shave me with a straight-edge razor.
I accept and honor your trust
and wish you the very best of luck.
Well, look who's here.
Ow, my face.
Oh, sorry, Cliff, but you moved.
Didn't think you were the trust-shave,
team-building type.
Oh, so you were thinking about me.
Now I have a personal tidbit to put about you in
my Excel spreadsheet: "Thinks about Jake... A lot."
And I have something to put about you in my Google Doc:
"Suffers from narcissistic personality disorder."
Wanna get out of here?
Fine. Twist my arm.
Jake?
I fully trust you with my heart and mind.
And then Bette Midler sang a Broadway rendition
of "I Put a Spell on You," and then I, uh...
- Give it to us, Matt. - Share, Matt.
I camed.
Good work, Matt. Good work.
Give Matt a hug. Show him some support.
Everybody touch his body.
Wrap your arms around his neck and love him.
So, yeah, basically, I analyze data,
and I put it into graphs and whatever.
I'm extremely good at it,
and I wake up every morning wanting to die.
You wanna die? I wanna die.
- We have so much in common. - Mm-hmm.
I bet we're missing some great seminars right now.
Oh, yeah. I had my eyes on the "How to Embezzle Money
While Still Looking Really Awesome" seminar,
but I already kind of know how to do that.
Ooh, we're not the only ones playing hooky.
See that redheaded guy about to dive in?
- Mm-hmm. - Greg Wilkins, chief of
product development, HD San Francisco.
And he cheats on his wife with Julie Powell,
VP Hampton DeVille, west Oregon.
Hmm.
You're not married, are you?
No, I'm not, which severely decreases
the chances that we'll have sex on this retreat.
Wait, Mark Cuban, Condoleezza Rice,
and the Barefoot Contessa are all AHOLEs?
Mm-hmm, and her husband Jeffrey.
Really, you're no different from any of them, Matt.
We think you're special, Matt.
I can feel your confidence growing.
Just a few more exercises and you'll be a full AHOLE.
Oh yeah. Big-time AHOLE.
Come on, let's pray.
Heavenly Father, thank you for giving me the confidence
to purchase this food with my hard-earned money,
which I got without any of your help,
because you don't exist. Amen.
- Amen! - Amen.
Let's eat.
Ew, gross. There's a hair in my food.
Oh. Yeah, gross.
I guess mistakes happen, huh?
Look, why don't you just throw it out
and move on with your life, like you said, right?
N... no. I deserve better than this.
I'm gonna say something. Excuse me, waitress?
There's a problem with my food, when you get a second.
Can I help you, sir?
I certainly hope you can help me.
Look at this hair. My dinner is ruined.
Stronger, Matt.
I mean, you ruined it.
You ruined my dinner.
I'm terribly sorry, sir. I'll get you a new Cobb salad.
No, let me finish. I'm a human being
and essentially an executive, and I deserve respect.
Of course, sir. I'll comp the salad and then...
- Get her, Matt. - I'll go get you another one.
Fuck you! I hope you die.
Easy, easy. Good, but...
Ruin her day, not her life.
Good, though. Good stuff.
So I've just been going to parties lately
- and stealing things. - I think that's smart.
- Thanks. - So... This is me.
Well, I... I would invite myself in,
but I never mix sex and networking.
Probably for the best.
Having sex with me is like having sex on ecstasy.
You'll be depressed for six months afterwards.
I really gotta thank you guys.
Without you, I never would have had
the confidence to stand up for myself.
You should thank yourself, Matt.
You're the one who made that waitress cry.
Well, thanks, me.
Man, I feel like a whole new person.
You know, that's great, Matt.
But right behind this door is the final test.
Whoa, wait. I'm sorry. What's going on?
I thought you two were married.
Well, exactly. We're a team.
I'm gonna watch.
Oh! Oh...
I'm so happy we're doing this, finally.
- You're doing great. - Thank you.
You're doing so well.
Oh! Yes.
I was a virgin until we had sex.
- Oh my God. - Yeah.
I hated it. I'm never gonna do it again.
So you're in love with me now?
Uh, Matt? Could you give us a minute or go away forever?
Do whatever you're gonna do.
Nothing can shock me anymore.
I'm confident now.
- Well, we fucked. - Yes! Yes, we did.
It was a pleasure sleeping with you.
- You as well. - Mm.
Nice, firm handshake, there.
- Yeah. - Never noticed
quite how firm your handshake was.
It's firm.
- Shall we, uh... - Yeah, let's go do some...
- Get those emails? - ...on my email, so...
So you were used as a sex toy
by a couple of cult leaders.
Some people would pay for that.
- I'm a human dildo. - Sure, but,
someday you'll connect with someone.
Or maybe you won't. Some people never do.
I just don't wanna see
Jeff and Gretchen at the closing ceremony.
It's gonna be so awkward.
I'm actually really looking forward to the closing ceremony.
Natasha's gonna be there.
I have this weird, warm feeling
where I actually wanna see her again.
Isn't that Natasha over there?
- Oh, my God. - Sorry.
He's got a great butt.
Your eyes are beautiful with this...
Hey, what is this?
Hey, Jake Levinson.
Excuse me, I'll be right back
to sort out all these crazy cards.
Jake, why are you acting like some jealous boyfriend
all of a sudden?
Well, because...
Didn't yesterday mean anything to you?
Oh. Hey, Jake, I'm sorry.
It was just networking.
Yeah... Yeah, me too.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go give my cat a quick call.
Ah, damn it.
Oh, you're the waitress from last night.
I'm not a waitress anymore.
After you yelled at me,
the resort demoted me to janitorial.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I-I never yell like that.
Here, let me help you.
No! Just, please...
Leave me alone.
Some executive puked on the pool deck,
and I gotta go mop it up before it dries.
My wife and I fuck animals and men.
- Yeah... - Hey, I need to
- talk to you two. - Ooh!
- Oh, hey! - Matt, how are you?
- Hey, buddy boy. - Touching you.
- Look at these little nips... - Stop!
- Whoa! - Stop touching me.
- Okay, okay. - You know that waitress
got demoted because of us?
What, do you feel guilty? Don't feel guilty.
No, no, no. Guilt?
Guilt is just insecurity leaving the body.
Besides, we're the ones who planted the hair in your food,
so you shouldn't feel guilty about anything.
What?
Oh! We gotta go, that's our cue.
- This was great. - Yeah, it was.
All right, team Hampton DeVille,
give it up for yourselves!
Yeah! We learned a lot this weekend.
Learned a lot about teamwork,
learned a lot about management,
and we learned a lot about each other.
Ted? Your secret's safe with us.
Whoopsie!
Now, step forward if you are ready
to be baptized and reborn an AHOLE!
- Yeah! Come up here, AHOLE. - Look at this AHOLE.
Come on up here, you fucking nerd.
All right, hold your breath.
AHOLE, AHOLE.
- All right! - Yeah.
Whoo! I love this company!
All right, who's next? Get up here, lady!
Here we go!
AHOLE, AHOLE!
Oh, yeah, come on, big boy.
AHOLE, AHOLE!
Yeah! Look at this wet hamster.
Come on up here.
Fucking whatever, just do it.
We will!
All right, see ya later, sad guy.
What a miserable AHOLE. Oh, Matt's coming up here.
All right, Matt. Come on, let us baptize you.
You know what? I'm not gonna do this.
Yay! My turn!
Shut up, Ted! Don't you guys see?
Jeff and Gretchen are full of shit.
This whole AHOLE program is full of shit.
Also, this isn't a baptism. This is waterboarding.
Uh, great share, Matt. That was really...
It's not a fucking share.
Okay. Everyone, look at Matt.
On the first day, he was half giraffe, half dog shit.
And now look at him. He is a total AHOLE.
Congratulations, Matt.
Fuck this. I'm going to the pool.
- You're welcome, Matt. - Come on, Teddy, let's do it!
All right, Ted's weird. He likes it.
He wants it too much.
Oh, come on.
God, really? I'm not falling for this again.
Did you arrange for another...
No, did you?
- No. - No?
Everyone stay calm!
Jesus, what do they do to you on that retreat?
I'm sorry. What... what was that?
- Oh. - Oh.
That... that's what I was gonna say too.
Oh. Ohh...
- That's great. Yeah. - Okay.
- Any critici... - No.
- Okay. - None right now.
Okay, great.