1 00:00:00,444 --> 00:00:02,444 _ 2 00:00:02,468 --> 00:00:04,104 _ 3 00:00:14,070 --> 00:00:16,275 Hey, watch out! 4 00:00:18,642 --> 00:00:20,942 Are you crazy? You almost killed me! 5 00:00:21,011 --> 00:00:22,911 - Oh, that was crazy, huh? - What were you doing? 6 00:00:22,979 --> 00:00:24,679 - Yeah, so sorry to scare you. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 7 00:00:24,748 --> 00:00:26,247 Where you going? Where you going? 8 00:00:26,316 --> 00:00:27,782 I thought you wanted to talk. 9 00:00:27,851 --> 00:00:29,050 Huh, you were talking before, man. 10 00:00:29,119 --> 00:00:30,673 What happened? 11 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:38,726 All right, everybody, let's go ahead 12 00:00:38,795 --> 00:00:40,222 and start to shut up now. 13 00:00:40,927 --> 00:00:43,327 Let's go ahead and start to settle into your seats 14 00:00:43,396 --> 00:00:45,502 and begin shutting your mouths. 15 00:00:46,032 --> 00:00:48,309 All rights, so my name... 16 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:00,834 My name's Jack Griffin. 17 00:01:04,611 --> 00:01:05,799 And I don't wanna be here. 18 00:01:06,951 --> 00:01:08,784 I am an award-winning philosophy scholar, 19 00:01:08,853 --> 00:01:10,419 who for reasons I won't go in to 20 00:01:10,488 --> 00:01:12,021 finds himself with a free year. 21 00:01:12,278 --> 00:01:15,057 So I'm living in my dead mom's apartment here in Toledo 22 00:01:15,126 --> 00:01:17,478 while killing a little bit of time teaching... 23 00:01:19,017 --> 00:01:21,395 Advanced Placement Biology. 24 00:01:21,856 --> 00:01:24,633 But here's the deal, I do not care about biology. 25 00:01:24,702 --> 00:01:26,412 We're not gonna do any biology in here. 26 00:01:26,459 --> 00:01:27,692 And to be perfectly clear, 27 00:01:27,761 --> 00:01:28,893 this won't be one of those things 28 00:01:28,962 --> 00:01:30,528 where over the course of a year 29 00:01:30,597 --> 00:01:32,830 I secretly teach it to you. 30 00:01:33,298 --> 00:01:34,998 This also won't be one of those things 31 00:01:35,067 --> 00:01:37,300 where I end up learning more from you 32 00:01:37,369 --> 00:01:39,135 than you do from me. 33 00:01:39,204 --> 00:01:40,937 I know more than all of you combined, 34 00:01:41,006 --> 00:01:43,152 so, ha, that doesn't make any sense. 35 00:01:43,408 --> 00:01:45,400 I'm gonna spend the majority of my time 36 00:01:45,556 --> 00:01:47,956 mentally breaking my nemesis 37 00:01:48,003 --> 00:01:50,650 with the ultimate goal of taking his job 38 00:01:50,651 --> 00:01:52,250 as the head of Stanford Philosophy 39 00:01:52,317 --> 00:01:54,651 and then I'm gonna have sex with as many women 40 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,069 as I possibly can throughout the entire state of California. 41 00:01:58,590 --> 00:02:01,491 But you don't need to concern yourselves with that. 42 00:02:01,962 --> 00:02:03,427 Uh, let's see. 43 00:02:03,495 --> 00:02:05,095 Feel like I might be forgetting something. 44 00:02:05,530 --> 00:02:06,996 "Mentally breaking my nemesis, 45 00:02:07,064 --> 00:02:09,079 "sex with every woman in California." No, that was it. 46 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,191 Welcome to AP Bio. 47 00:02:14,407 --> 00:02:17,440 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 48 00:02:31,057 --> 00:02:32,346 Absolute garbage. 49 00:02:33,806 --> 00:02:34,822 Put 'em down. 50 00:02:35,119 --> 00:02:37,157 Look, I realize you guys are all nerds 51 00:02:37,197 --> 00:02:39,275 and you want good GPAs, all right? 52 00:02:39,314 --> 00:02:40,702 Is that what's going on here? 53 00:02:40,849 --> 00:02:42,103 I'll make you a deal. 54 00:02:42,104 --> 00:02:43,837 If you tell anybody I'm not teaching you biology, 55 00:02:43,905 --> 00:02:44,912 you get an F. 56 00:02:44,937 --> 00:02:46,796 If you keep your mouth shut, you get an A-plus. 57 00:02:47,013 --> 00:02:48,079 Look at it this way. 58 00:02:48,104 --> 00:02:50,004 You guys are all tired teens. 59 00:02:50,412 --> 00:02:52,312 This is gonna be your opportunity to take a nap. 60 00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:54,029 And if you're not tired, 61 00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:56,851 pop an Advil PM, 62 00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,052 and you will be out, trust me. 63 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,319 What are you doing? Come on, put your hand down. 64 00:03:01,388 --> 00:03:03,545 I'm serious. You're months away from being an adult, 65 00:03:03,546 --> 00:03:04,945 and you need to start acting like one. 66 00:03:05,014 --> 00:03:06,079 Just... talk. 67 00:03:06,148 --> 00:03:07,894 My name is Sarika Sarkar, 68 00:03:08,050 --> 00:03:10,117 and I speak on behalf of the entire student body 69 00:03:10,185 --> 00:03:12,914 when I express our extreme displeasure 70 00:03:12,994 --> 00:03:14,360 in you not teaching us biology. 71 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:15,668 I'm sorry, could you say it again? 72 00:03:15,982 --> 00:03:17,448 I believe I speak on behalf... 73 00:03:17,517 --> 00:03:18,816 No, no, not that junk. 74 00:03:19,104 --> 00:03:20,184 Your name. 75 00:03:20,253 --> 00:03:22,319 Oh, Sarika Sarkar. 76 00:03:22,814 --> 00:03:23,968 That's a great name. 77 00:03:24,792 --> 00:03:27,159 I love the philosopher Prabhat Sarkar. 78 00:03:27,315 --> 00:03:31,117 The entire universe exists within the cosmic mind. 79 00:03:31,486 --> 00:03:33,853 What are you guys doing? Don't write that down. 80 00:03:33,878 --> 00:03:35,295 That's not me teaching you stuff. 81 00:03:36,265 --> 00:03:37,622 Who's this prince of darkness? 82 00:03:38,201 --> 00:03:39,379 This your book? 83 00:03:39,569 --> 00:03:41,814 - _ - Yeah? So? 84 00:03:41,923 --> 00:03:43,689 Mr. Griffin? 85 00:03:44,228 --> 00:03:45,707 I think you're in trouble. 86 00:03:46,057 --> 00:03:47,274 Could we, uh... 87 00:03:47,343 --> 00:03:49,582 Could I talk to you out here for a second? 88 00:03:49,691 --> 00:03:50,759 Uh-huh. 89 00:03:55,384 --> 00:03:56,891 Could I get a new chair? 90 00:03:57,111 --> 00:03:59,444 A new cha... well, I don't know if that's in our budget. 91 00:03:59,514 --> 00:04:00,513 - It's fine, forget it. - Okay. 92 00:04:00,582 --> 00:04:01,928 Forget it. What's up? 93 00:04:01,953 --> 00:04:03,231 What's up? Um... 94 00:04:04,255 --> 00:04:05,733 Is it laundry day or... 95 00:04:06,434 --> 00:04:08,023 What's that supposed to mean, man? 96 00:04:08,092 --> 00:04:09,839 I probably forgot to tell you, 97 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,939 we sort of have a bit of a dress code here, so... 98 00:04:12,007 --> 00:04:14,277 Hey, look, Ralph, I want to wear sweatpants. 99 00:04:14,375 --> 00:04:16,175 You want to say that your school's got 100 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,010 a former Harvard professor teaching at it, right? 101 00:04:18,046 --> 00:04:19,592 Looks good for your school, right? 102 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,358 Okay, please, I wasn't trying to be aggressive here. 103 00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:23,987 Right, but what you said to me right now, it sucked. 104 00:04:24,038 --> 00:04:25,638 - Okay. - You know, the worst part is 105 00:04:25,663 --> 00:04:27,083 I was starting to like you, man. 106 00:04:27,126 --> 00:04:29,714 You know, like in a buds who get drinks once a week kind of a way. 107 00:04:29,715 --> 00:04:31,014 Well, that's... that's us. 108 00:04:31,039 --> 00:04:33,108 - We could still do that. - I don't know. 109 00:04:33,143 --> 00:04:34,376 I... you know what, I think you're just 110 00:04:34,401 --> 00:04:35,666 blowing this thing out of proportion. 111 00:04:35,691 --> 00:04:37,496 Because I'm a laidback principal. 112 00:04:37,565 --> 00:04:38,931 You know, they make me wear this suit. 113 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,566 I don't want to dress this sharp every day, 114 00:04:40,635 --> 00:04:42,702 but I have to 'cause I'm an authority figure, 115 00:04:42,770 --> 00:04:45,487 but I'm still laidback, and you're gonna see that. 116 00:04:45,773 --> 00:04:46,806 You know what, 117 00:04:47,768 --> 00:04:49,232 let's forget the whole thing. 118 00:04:49,503 --> 00:04:50,669 - Come here. - All right, I... I... 119 00:04:50,738 --> 00:04:53,339 Come here. 120 00:04:53,407 --> 00:04:54,471 That's my guy. 121 00:04:54,537 --> 00:04:56,449 Do you still wanna get that beer tonight or... 122 00:04:56,474 --> 00:04:57,810 No. No, no, no. 123 00:04:57,865 --> 00:05:00,489 See, I'm trying to make a plan to bang my high school ex 124 00:05:00,514 --> 00:05:02,214 as hard as I can, you know what I'm saying? 125 00:05:02,253 --> 00:05:04,087 Let's use our hallway voice when we talk about that. 126 00:05:04,155 --> 00:05:05,655 Yes, I'm trying to set that up. 127 00:05:05,724 --> 00:05:07,608 - All right. - Okay. 128 00:05:08,535 --> 00:05:09,686 All right. 129 00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:12,410 You wrecked the sign. 130 00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,299 That's why I came here to... 131 00:05:15,076 --> 00:05:17,315 It's too late, Ralph, It's too late. 132 00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:20,051 Uh, let's see a hall pass. 133 00:05:20,366 --> 00:05:22,473 You were holding it, okay. 134 00:05:47,282 --> 00:05:48,415 Hello. 135 00:05:48,596 --> 00:05:50,129 Miles, it's Jack. 136 00:05:50,197 --> 00:05:52,264 Jack, greetings from California. 137 00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:54,133 Yeah, I heard you got the Stanford job. 138 00:05:54,201 --> 00:05:56,768 Also, congrats on the new book making the bestseller list. 139 00:05:57,341 --> 00:05:58,770 I'm sure you'll keep killing everything, 140 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:00,154 barring some sort of... 141 00:06:00,179 --> 00:06:01,450 - mental collapse. - _ 142 00:06:01,492 --> 00:06:04,260 Hey, look, I think forcing you out of Harvard 143 00:06:04,329 --> 00:06:05,784 - was an overreaction. - _ 144 00:06:05,785 --> 00:06:08,086 I'm sure there's tons of schools dying to snag you. 145 00:06:08,111 --> 00:06:09,486 Yeah, no, big time. 146 00:06:09,554 --> 00:06:12,172 Yeah, I'm just kind of weighing all my options. 147 00:06:12,665 --> 00:06:13,964 Look, Miles, I gotta run. 148 00:06:14,033 --> 00:06:15,295 Okay. All right, mate. 149 00:06:15,296 --> 00:06:17,630 Hey, listen, next time you're out west, okay? 150 00:06:18,634 --> 00:06:19,698 Jack? 151 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,334 Didn't drop at all. 152 00:06:43,430 --> 00:06:44,859 Yo, that's a nice backpack, freak. 153 00:06:44,884 --> 00:06:46,047 Give me your backpack, psycho. 154 00:06:47,087 --> 00:06:48,279 Hey, did you hear me? 155 00:06:48,889 --> 00:06:50,088 You deaf or something? Give me your back... 156 00:06:50,157 --> 00:06:52,326 Where you going? Come here. 157 00:07:01,192 --> 00:07:02,834 Okay, so it was crazy, right? 158 00:07:02,903 --> 00:07:04,803 So then my date shows up to my house 159 00:07:04,871 --> 00:07:06,671 in a soaking wet T-shirt, 160 00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:08,707 talking about something he just got out of the bath. 161 00:07:08,775 --> 00:07:11,576 Now what kinda grown baby man still takes baths? 162 00:07:11,645 --> 00:07:13,211 See, that's what I said. It's like, who is this? 163 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:14,732 My husband takes baths. 164 00:07:15,315 --> 00:07:16,681 - Yeah. - Okay. 165 00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:19,890 Okay, so anyway, the date was at a full medium, 166 00:07:19,915 --> 00:07:23,516 and he has the nerve to text me, like, ten minutes ago, 167 00:07:23,585 --> 00:07:25,118 talking about some, "Do a butt pic." 168 00:07:25,187 --> 00:07:26,920 - Huh? - Okay, he sounds like a jerk. 169 00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:29,055 But do you want us to take a pic of your butt? 170 00:07:29,124 --> 00:07:30,557 No, no, no, no, 'cause see, this is how I do it. 171 00:07:30,625 --> 00:07:31,858 Okay, so now the dumb ones don't know 172 00:07:31,927 --> 00:07:33,360 that this is an arm butt. 173 00:07:33,428 --> 00:07:34,995 - Hmm. - So then I take this. 174 00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:37,464 And I just go ahead and just line that up. 175 00:07:37,532 --> 00:07:39,332 Let that focus a little bit. 176 00:07:39,401 --> 00:07:41,034 There we go. Little juicy cheeks. 177 00:07:41,103 --> 00:07:42,569 - That looks like a crack. - Juicy, okay. 178 00:07:42,637 --> 00:07:44,828 See the new guy knows what's up. 179 00:07:44,930 --> 00:07:47,540 - It's Jack, right? From Harvard? - Yeah. 180 00:07:47,609 --> 00:07:49,342 Ooh, Harvard Jack. 181 00:07:49,411 --> 00:07:51,852 All right, well, have you been out on any dates lately? 182 00:07:51,963 --> 00:07:54,485 Funny you should ask, I've actually got firm plans 183 00:07:54,532 --> 00:07:57,250 to bang my high school ex as hard as I can tonight, so... 184 00:07:57,319 --> 00:07:59,310 Oh, he's gonna bang her 185 00:07:59,335 --> 00:08:01,540 as hard as he can tonight. 186 00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:03,633 Not regular hard. Aggressively hard. 187 00:08:04,033 --> 00:08:05,635 So it seems like you're enjoying yourself here? 188 00:08:05,704 --> 00:08:08,306 God no. I'm teaching high school in Toledo. 189 00:08:08,573 --> 00:08:09,886 It's terrible. 190 00:08:11,315 --> 00:08:13,415 Anyways, guess what I'm making the kids do 191 00:08:13,484 --> 00:08:15,150 - in my class today. - BOTH: What? 192 00:08:15,219 --> 00:08:17,152 They have to draw a flattering picture of me 193 00:08:17,221 --> 00:08:18,954 and then give it to their dads. 194 00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:20,689 Ooh, yes, you know what I tell my kids. 195 00:08:20,758 --> 00:08:21,890 Okay, 'cause you know how we're learning 196 00:08:21,959 --> 00:08:23,559 - about recycling, right? - Mm-hmm. 197 00:08:23,627 --> 00:08:24,693 I just made them clean the trash 198 00:08:24,731 --> 00:08:25,871 out the backseat of my car. 199 00:08:25,901 --> 00:08:27,801 Snatch that plastic and recycle it. 200 00:08:28,689 --> 00:08:29,740 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 201 00:08:29,765 --> 00:08:31,633 Are you saying we can make the kids do whatever we want? 202 00:08:31,659 --> 00:08:33,053 - Mm-hmm. - BOTH: Yeah. 203 00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:38,879 - This better work. - Always does. 204 00:08:38,948 --> 00:08:40,481 All right, everybody, 205 00:08:40,549 --> 00:08:42,364 go ahead and start to shut your mouths. 206 00:08:42,638 --> 00:08:44,205 Settle into your chairs. 207 00:08:44,273 --> 00:08:45,544 Oh, oh, God! 208 00:08:47,075 --> 00:08:48,476 This chair sucks. 209 00:08:48,982 --> 00:08:50,162 Okay, listen up. 210 00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,155 No, you listen up. 211 00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:54,731 ? You don't wanna teach us biology ? 212 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,601 ? And we know you used to teach philosophy ? 213 00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:59,169 ? Well we think biology... ? 214 00:08:59,238 --> 00:09:00,737 Whoa, whoa, shut up, shut up, shut up, no, no, no. 215 00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:02,639 Stop. Turn the music off. Turn it off. 216 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:03,941 ? Oh yeah ? 217 00:09:05,607 --> 00:09:07,584 Take your seats. What are you, nuts? 218 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,110 Don't ever surprise me with a rap. 219 00:09:10,515 --> 00:09:11,884 Don't ever rap about learning. 220 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,186 Oh, boy. 221 00:09:17,892 --> 00:09:18,845 Oh, no. 222 00:09:19,293 --> 00:09:21,133 You had a saxophone solo in your rap? 223 00:09:21,664 --> 00:09:23,029 Yeah. That's too bad. 224 00:09:23,571 --> 00:09:25,054 Why don't you come on out of there, big guy. 225 00:09:26,324 --> 00:09:28,417 Wanna toss that puppy in the trash for me? 226 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,497 - Yeah. - Good. 227 00:09:30,972 --> 00:09:33,599 Saxophones do not belong in rap music. 228 00:09:34,536 --> 00:09:36,159 You were gonna make it rain, huh? 229 00:09:38,402 --> 00:09:40,184 Wet notebooks part of the rap thing? 230 00:09:41,431 --> 00:09:42,456 No. 231 00:09:45,390 --> 00:09:46,406 All right. 232 00:09:48,749 --> 00:09:50,749 Now look, I realize I haven't been 233 00:09:50,818 --> 00:09:52,784 making the most of your time, but that is gonna 234 00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:54,753 start to change as of right now. 235 00:09:54,822 --> 00:09:56,688 As I mentioned, I've been trying to mentally 236 00:09:56,757 --> 00:09:59,090 break my nemesis, Miles Leonard. 237 00:09:59,159 --> 00:10:01,226 He currently has the job that is rightfully mine, 238 00:10:01,251 --> 00:10:02,517 and I want it back. 239 00:10:02,629 --> 00:10:03,894 He seems to be winning at the moment, 240 00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:05,694 but by the time we're done with him, 241 00:10:06,026 --> 00:10:08,126 he's gonna be in a loony bin begging for death. 242 00:10:08,371 --> 00:10:09,828 Don't you think you'd have a better chance 243 00:10:09,896 --> 00:10:11,329 of getting the job if you focused on working hard 244 00:10:11,398 --> 00:10:13,398 as opposed to trying to make him go crazy? 245 00:10:13,423 --> 00:10:14,855 No, you see my actions are justified 246 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,847 because they produce a better outcome 247 00:10:17,224 --> 00:10:19,158 than any other action in this particular case. 248 00:10:19,226 --> 00:10:20,559 It's a basic philosophy, 249 00:10:20,628 --> 00:10:22,995 act utilitarianism, Jeremy Bentham. 250 00:10:23,397 --> 00:10:24,658 Stop writing that down. 251 00:10:24,965 --> 00:10:27,702 Now I happen to know that Miles is currently single. 252 00:10:28,201 --> 00:10:31,736 So your assignment for today is to catfish him 253 00:10:32,084 --> 00:10:33,506 on his Facebook page. 254 00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:38,743 What are you guys waiting for? Catfish! 255 00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:40,478 Write a flirty Facebook message, 256 00:10:40,547 --> 00:10:42,213 you know, using a fake name. 257 00:10:42,282 --> 00:10:44,349 You call yourself, like, Linda, 258 00:10:44,418 --> 00:10:45,915 and we'll send the best one to Miles. 259 00:10:45,986 --> 00:10:47,385 All right, look, at this point you guys should all be 260 00:10:47,454 --> 00:10:49,051 catfishing or dead asleep. 261 00:10:56,744 --> 00:10:58,853 So if you Google Jack Griffin, 262 00:10:58,947 --> 00:11:01,017 the first ten results are this video. 263 00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:04,386 "Old dude handles slightly less old dude." 264 00:11:09,526 --> 00:11:11,193 _ 265 00:11:11,261 --> 00:11:13,595 Okay, everybody, begin to shut up. 266 00:11:13,664 --> 00:11:15,263 Let's everyone shut your mouths now 267 00:11:15,332 --> 00:11:16,802 and settle into your chairs. 268 00:11:17,005 --> 00:11:20,373 All right, let's hear some of these catfish messages. 269 00:11:20,824 --> 00:11:23,091 - You wanna start? - Please no. 270 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,077 All right. Prince of Darkness, 271 00:11:25,125 --> 00:11:26,952 I see you working on something over there. What you got? 272 00:11:27,757 --> 00:11:30,591 "Dear Miles, you don't know me but you will. 273 00:11:30,660 --> 00:11:33,526 "We will marry under the black sun of Satan's breath. 274 00:11:34,597 --> 00:11:36,263 "I'll be the final face you see 275 00:11:36,308 --> 00:11:38,141 "as I wrap my hands around your neck 276 00:11:38,190 --> 00:11:40,150 and suck your soul into my mouth." 277 00:11:40,536 --> 00:11:43,137 Wow, somebody alert the authorities. 278 00:11:43,206 --> 00:11:44,366 You know what I mean? 279 00:11:45,241 --> 00:11:47,007 No, I'm kidding, I'm joking. It's great, really. 280 00:11:47,076 --> 00:11:48,722 It's very descriptive. 281 00:11:48,747 --> 00:11:51,958 You know, maybe just make it a little bit more, uh, female. 282 00:11:52,136 --> 00:11:55,824 You know? All right, you. 283 00:11:56,374 --> 00:11:57,888 I want to hear something from you. 284 00:12:01,457 --> 00:12:03,393 - "Hey, boy, you're..." - Louder. 285 00:12:04,148 --> 00:12:05,982 "Hey, boy, you're smooth 286 00:12:06,050 --> 00:12:08,331 "like butter dripping off of chocolate. 287 00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,261 "Gonna lick you up and down. 288 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,442 "Drip, slurp, yum. 289 00:12:12,443 --> 00:12:15,568 Give me that sweet wet sugar mess." 290 00:12:16,255 --> 00:12:18,078 Hmm, no. Let's do keep in mind 291 00:12:18,147 --> 00:12:20,445 that this will be the first message 292 00:12:20,492 --> 00:12:23,225 that Miles will be hearing from a total stranger, 293 00:12:23,250 --> 00:12:25,349 but, you know, it's a great start. 294 00:12:26,157 --> 00:12:27,178 Good. 295 00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:28,812 - Mr. Griffin. - Oh! 296 00:12:28,881 --> 00:12:30,314 Ralph, you snuck up on me. 297 00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:33,350 Yeah, uh, I put in your request for the new chair, 298 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,218 and so that's in front of the board now. 299 00:12:35,243 --> 00:12:37,254 Okay, great, well, let me know how they vote, all right? 300 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,122 - This is biology? - Oh, absolutely. 301 00:12:39,152 --> 00:12:40,248 Sugar mess? 302 00:12:40,286 --> 00:12:41,886 Yeah, we're in the middle of it. Take care now. 303 00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:43,904 Whoa, look at the Prince of D going strong over there. 304 00:12:43,973 --> 00:12:45,539 Give us another snippet. 305 00:12:45,607 --> 00:12:47,951 "And fire and blood will pour from my eyes 306 00:12:47,995 --> 00:12:49,980 "as I gaze upon your ravaged body. 307 00:12:50,349 --> 00:12:53,517 By the way, I am a female demon." 308 00:12:53,730 --> 00:12:56,564 I see a lot of myself in you. You are going places, Devin. 309 00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:59,043 You guys are pretty good at this. You having fun? 310 00:12:59,086 --> 00:13:00,986 - ALL: Yeah. - All right, who's next? 311 00:13:06,282 --> 00:13:07,304 "Dear Miles, 312 00:13:07,334 --> 00:13:10,085 "I want to make you blush, make you feel safe. 313 00:13:10,452 --> 00:13:12,915 "I want to lay next to you and laugh until we cry. 314 00:13:13,455 --> 00:13:16,556 "I want to grow old together, and when we're old we'll say, 315 00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:18,694 'I don't mind because I have you.'" 316 00:13:21,555 --> 00:13:22,927 That's what I'm talking about, guys. 317 00:13:22,977 --> 00:13:24,366 Give it up, give it up. 318 00:13:25,767 --> 00:13:27,420 All right, let's go home. 319 00:13:27,902 --> 00:13:30,312 But we have other classes. 320 00:13:30,705 --> 00:13:31,887 All right, whatever. 321 00:13:33,697 --> 00:13:35,441 So that pretty much catches you up to speed 322 00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:37,410 on what I've been up to since we broke up. 323 00:13:38,329 --> 00:13:40,708 Um, you skipped a part, Jack. 324 00:13:41,074 --> 00:13:42,047 Did I? 325 00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:44,837 Well, I heard that you got passed up for tenure, 326 00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:46,982 and now no university will touch you. 327 00:13:47,312 --> 00:13:49,279 I also heard that a very old guy 328 00:13:49,304 --> 00:13:51,176 got you in some kind of a choke hold. 329 00:13:51,683 --> 00:13:53,968 How'd I skip that part? That's the juicy part. 330 00:13:56,187 --> 00:13:59,730 What do you say we go back to your place after this? 331 00:14:01,650 --> 00:14:03,105 My boyfriend is finishing 332 00:14:03,106 --> 00:14:04,864 his rounds in an hour at the hospital, 333 00:14:04,865 --> 00:14:06,570 and I'm gonna actually meet up with him. 334 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,491 You should. Yeah, no, that's, uh... 335 00:14:13,698 --> 00:14:14,821 Damn it! 336 00:14:17,047 --> 00:14:18,586 _ 337 00:14:18,611 --> 00:14:19,844 Oh, damn it! 338 00:14:19,912 --> 00:14:22,813 God! Agh! 339 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,120 Okay, class, um, 340 00:14:30,359 --> 00:14:33,905 Mr. Griffin is not coming in today. 341 00:14:33,930 --> 00:14:35,463 According to the note we got, 342 00:14:35,531 --> 00:14:38,813 he has been put in prison, 343 00:14:39,066 --> 00:14:42,006 but, quote, not for life. 344 00:14:42,871 --> 00:14:44,160 Coach Novak. 345 00:14:44,161 --> 00:14:45,615 Textbooks out. 346 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:47,227 What? 347 00:14:47,296 --> 00:14:49,730 Welcome. My name is Sarika Sarkar. 348 00:14:49,799 --> 00:14:51,198 Wait, what's your name? 349 00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:52,927 Sarika Sarkar. 350 00:14:53,337 --> 00:14:55,370 Like the philosopher. 351 00:14:55,433 --> 00:14:56,977 I'm gonna call you Sarah, all right? 352 00:14:57,243 --> 00:14:58,809 Can anyone tell me where you're at? 353 00:14:58,852 --> 00:15:01,150 We are... 354 00:15:01,175 --> 00:15:03,141 - Ten pushups. - Say what now? 355 00:15:03,210 --> 00:15:05,405 20. You owe me ten pushups 356 00:15:05,449 --> 00:15:07,782 for every time you spoke without raising your hand. 357 00:15:07,851 --> 00:15:09,088 Okay. 358 00:15:09,953 --> 00:15:11,773 What the hell is this puddle? 359 00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:16,068 Get a mop to dry that up then go to the principal 360 00:15:16,138 --> 00:15:18,036 and say you need a Saturday detention. 361 00:15:18,664 --> 00:15:21,865 Okay, bio-logy. You with the glasses, read. 362 00:15:22,028 --> 00:15:24,628 ALL: "The cell is the basic structural..." 363 00:15:24,697 --> 00:15:26,397 All right, thanks, man. I got it from here. 364 00:15:26,465 --> 00:15:27,698 Appreciate it. 365 00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:28,933 Listen, I've never begun a class 366 00:15:28,958 --> 00:15:30,401 and not finished it before. 367 00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:31,535 Good for you. 368 00:15:31,604 --> 00:15:32,803 I go from bell to bell. 369 00:15:32,872 --> 00:15:34,839 It's cool, man. I got it from here though, seriously. 370 00:15:35,539 --> 00:15:37,842 Okay, let me catch you guys up. 371 00:15:37,910 --> 00:15:41,245 So last night I found out my nemesis Miles 372 00:15:41,314 --> 00:15:43,214 got a MacArthur Genius Grant 373 00:15:43,282 --> 00:15:45,416 just after my ex turned my down for sex. 374 00:15:45,484 --> 00:15:47,585 So I got angry, I got very drunk, 375 00:15:47,653 --> 00:15:50,487 and I went pee-pee on the hospital where she works. 376 00:15:51,039 --> 00:15:53,239 A police officer suggested that I stop. 377 00:15:53,308 --> 00:15:55,809 I suggested that he pleasure me sexually. 378 00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:57,161 He did not. 379 00:15:57,946 --> 00:16:01,436 Instead, he hurt my arm, and I went to jail. 380 00:16:03,865 --> 00:16:06,586 So that catches you guys up to speed. 381 00:16:06,655 --> 00:16:09,271 Why don't we get back to work on destroying Miles' sanity. 382 00:16:17,322 --> 00:16:18,521 Yeah, hang on. 383 00:16:21,352 --> 00:16:23,503 Hey, Ralph, Devin. 384 00:16:23,891 --> 00:16:25,238 You guys hang out? 385 00:16:25,307 --> 00:16:29,070 No, Devin got himself arrested earlier. 386 00:16:29,183 --> 00:16:33,119 They got him on public urination and resisting arrest. 387 00:16:33,187 --> 00:16:35,521 What? No way, they literally got me 388 00:16:35,590 --> 00:16:36,889 for that same thing last night. 389 00:16:37,241 --> 00:16:38,247 It's quotas. 390 00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:42,215 Yeah, turns out Devin went potty 391 00:16:42,284 --> 00:16:46,186 on the house of a boy who is bullying him. 392 00:16:46,733 --> 00:16:48,407 I was literally telling the kids today 393 00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:50,262 how I did a very similar thing. 394 00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:52,117 Ah. 395 00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:54,145 Oh, crap. 396 00:16:56,022 --> 00:16:58,590 All right, so this bully kid. 397 00:16:58,592 --> 00:17:00,158 He's been throwing your backpack in the water 398 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,259 and stuff like that for how long? 399 00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:02,844 Um, maybe a year. 400 00:17:02,846 --> 00:17:03,937 A year? 401 00:17:05,193 --> 00:17:06,564 And you didn't know any of this? 402 00:17:07,093 --> 00:17:09,045 That doesn't look great for you, bud. 403 00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,399 But you know what, 404 00:17:10,820 --> 00:17:13,020 I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here, 405 00:17:13,022 --> 00:17:15,172 and we can definitely move on. 406 00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:17,901 Ralph, give me one of those big-ass hugs. 407 00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:19,836 No, I... no, I don't want to hug right now. 408 00:17:20,019 --> 00:17:23,006 I think you need to step up and talk to him. 409 00:17:23,008 --> 00:17:26,071 Any other principal would have fired you and expelled you. 410 00:17:26,330 --> 00:17:29,397 All right, but I'm laidback, but right now 411 00:17:29,531 --> 00:17:32,333 you two are making it very hard for me 412 00:17:32,336 --> 00:17:33,871 to be laidback! 413 00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:37,405 Very authoritative, I like that. 414 00:17:37,407 --> 00:17:38,740 I've not seen that gear from you. 415 00:17:38,955 --> 00:17:40,904 - I like it. - Thank you. 416 00:17:41,173 --> 00:17:42,639 Uh, listen, Ralph, can you give Devin and I 417 00:17:42,641 --> 00:17:45,282 - a minute alone? - Yes, yes, of course. 418 00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,595 - Oh, I'm going up? - Give it a sec. 419 00:17:48,743 --> 00:17:51,625 - Okay. - I did it. 420 00:17:52,046 --> 00:17:53,219 All right, so look, 421 00:17:54,048 --> 00:17:55,514 I haven't done a lot of these talks. 422 00:17:55,516 --> 00:17:56,698 I don't have kids. 423 00:17:56,699 --> 00:17:58,164 I've always been pretty good about using condoms, you know? 424 00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,826 Even though I hate the damn things. 425 00:17:59,952 --> 00:18:01,301 You can't feel as much. 426 00:18:01,858 --> 00:18:03,169 All right, look, here's the deal. 427 00:18:03,642 --> 00:18:07,249 I want to be open and honest with you kids in class, okay? 428 00:18:07,312 --> 00:18:09,312 But if it's gonna start getting us all in trouble, 429 00:18:09,314 --> 00:18:10,847 then I'm gonna have to start acting 430 00:18:10,849 --> 00:18:12,317 like all the other teachers. 431 00:18:12,617 --> 00:18:13,850 See what I'm saying? 432 00:18:13,852 --> 00:18:15,985 - Yeah. - Yeah. 433 00:18:15,987 --> 00:18:18,020 So next time you're thinking about, like, imitating me 434 00:18:18,022 --> 00:18:21,357 or doing anything extreme in general, 435 00:18:21,359 --> 00:18:23,397 why don't you go ahead and run it by me first, deal? 436 00:18:24,162 --> 00:18:25,190 Yeah. 437 00:18:26,531 --> 00:18:28,698 - Great. - Hey, I'm still up here! 438 00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:31,401 Ready to come down. This is gonna sound crazy. 439 00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:32,969 - I think I see a raccoon. - No, there's... 440 00:18:32,971 --> 00:18:34,690 It's not crazy. There's one up there. 441 00:18:48,916 --> 00:18:50,386 Now I'm wondering if all the times 442 00:18:50,388 --> 00:18:51,888 my husband sent me pictures of his butt, 443 00:18:51,890 --> 00:18:53,448 it was really his arm. 444 00:18:53,449 --> 00:18:55,609 Wait, your husband sent you butt pics? 445 00:18:55,788 --> 00:18:57,232 - Yeah. - What's it look like? 446 00:18:57,233 --> 00:18:58,731 - Okay, I don't wanna know. - There's a muscle... 447 00:18:58,733 --> 00:19:00,700 - Oh, look who it is. - Oh, look you. 448 00:19:00,702 --> 00:19:02,802 Big man in a big chair. 449 00:19:02,804 --> 00:19:04,704 Yeah, it's a massage chair. 450 00:19:04,706 --> 00:19:06,139 Hmm, well, I like it. 451 00:19:06,141 --> 00:19:07,840 It's like nice, soft, supple leather. 452 00:19:07,842 --> 00:19:09,709 Yeah, it's pretty comfy. 453 00:19:09,711 --> 00:19:11,444 Listen, ladies, I have a little bit of a school issue 454 00:19:11,446 --> 00:19:12,745 that I could use your help with. 455 00:19:12,747 --> 00:19:14,414 What do you do when one of the students 456 00:19:14,416 --> 00:19:16,349 - is bullying another one? - Oh, oh, that's easy. 457 00:19:16,351 --> 00:19:19,085 Okay, so you want to keep them around each other constantly. 458 00:19:19,087 --> 00:19:21,187 - Oh, yes, that totally works. - Mm-hmm. 459 00:19:21,189 --> 00:19:23,089 That's actually how we all became friends. 460 00:19:23,091 --> 00:19:25,291 'Cause Stef and I would bully Michelle, naturally, 461 00:19:25,293 --> 00:19:27,293 and then Principal Durbin started forcing us 462 00:19:27,295 --> 00:19:28,628 to hang out with one another. 463 00:19:28,630 --> 00:19:30,230 - Mm - hmm, I would take one bite 464 00:19:30,232 --> 00:19:31,831 out of all of her food in the fridge. 465 00:19:31,833 --> 00:19:33,866 And I would sneak a few bites as well. 466 00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:35,401 Yes, she did. 467 00:19:35,403 --> 00:19:37,370 Then one time I set her purse on fire. 468 00:19:37,372 --> 00:19:38,605 Whoo. 469 00:19:38,905 --> 00:19:40,404 I lost a lot of cash. 470 00:19:40,406 --> 00:19:41,605 I lost a hundred bucks. 471 00:19:41,607 --> 00:19:42,569 Hmm. 472 00:19:43,041 --> 00:19:44,874 Well, so... so keep the kids together? 473 00:19:44,876 --> 00:19:46,142 - Mm-hmm. - Interesting. 474 00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:47,677 Yeah, it's a little unorthodox, 475 00:19:47,679 --> 00:19:49,012 but that's actually really smart. 476 00:19:49,014 --> 00:19:50,480 Oh, it's actually really smart? 477 00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:51,681 Wow, thank you for believing in us. 478 00:19:51,683 --> 00:19:52,815 Okay, all right, all right. 479 00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:54,751 Come on, that's not what I meant. 480 00:19:54,753 --> 00:19:55,985 We've all read a book, just want to put that out there. 481 00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:57,487 - Even Michelle. - Yep. 482 00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:58,955 That's enough. I gotta get to my class. 483 00:19:58,957 --> 00:20:00,423 Thank you very much. I appreciate it. 484 00:20:00,425 --> 00:20:03,159 You're welcome. Be careful. 485 00:20:04,044 --> 00:20:06,038 Gonna give him one more minute. 486 00:20:06,665 --> 00:20:08,631 He'll be here or else. 487 00:20:08,632 --> 00:20:10,197 Or else what? 488 00:20:10,862 --> 00:20:12,328 I don't know. 489 00:20:12,330 --> 00:20:14,797 All right, come on. Get in there, you. 490 00:20:14,799 --> 00:20:16,290 Go, go. 491 00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:19,601 Hey, everybody. What's up, Ralph? 492 00:20:19,921 --> 00:20:22,905 This is Dan Decker. I'm adding him to AP Bio. 493 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,707 - I don't wanna be... - Shut up! 494 00:20:24,709 --> 00:20:27,043 Go sit next to Devin, go. You, can you... 495 00:20:27,045 --> 00:20:29,278 Yeah, thanks. Go, scoot. 496 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,214 Does his guidance counselor know about this? 497 00:20:31,216 --> 00:20:32,713 You're not the boss of me. 498 00:20:33,790 --> 00:20:35,551 That's literally my job description. 499 00:20:39,365 --> 00:20:40,756 All right, listen up. 500 00:20:40,759 --> 00:20:42,692 Some things are gonna change around here big time. 501 00:20:42,694 --> 00:20:44,093 None of you guys are gonna pick on each other 502 00:20:44,095 --> 00:20:45,597 or I'll kick your ass. 503 00:20:45,598 --> 00:20:47,530 I will literally beat you up with my adult muscles. 504 00:20:47,778 --> 00:20:49,511 And if I go and do something dumb, 505 00:20:49,513 --> 00:20:51,246 that doesn't mean you can go and do it too. 506 00:20:51,248 --> 00:20:52,769 Now let me hear you say that back. 507 00:20:53,050 --> 00:20:54,883 We can't pick on each other 508 00:20:54,885 --> 00:20:57,886 or else you'll beat us up with your adult muscles and... 509 00:21:02,559 --> 00:21:05,827 ...just because you do something dumb doesn't mean...