Previously on "Another Period"...
You are to evacuate the premises immediately.
You bitch.
Great-Grandpa Bellacourt, you're looking very dirty.
Hello?
My... my milk.
Oh...
My milk!
? In nomine Patris et Filli, et... ?
? Mayor Cutie ?
? Amen ?
Oh, Mayor Cutie.
I'm so sorry I killed you.
But, to be clear, you were being a bitch.
Cutie?
Ghost!
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -
I haven't been this scared since that time we went
to that haunted house on Cape Cod
that had the mix-and-match china.
Ooh, I shudder to this day.
One time, a ghost had sex with me in my sleep.
He was really spooky,
and he looked just like Frederick,
and he smelled like Frederick, and he was solid
and really easy to touch, and not translucent,
but it wasn't a ghost.
It was Frederick.
Frederick, who do you think the ghost is?
Well, I don't want you to panic, Lillian,
but I think you're sitting right next to her.
That's not a ghost. That's our mother.
Oh, yes. Yes, it is.
You are... right. Sorry, Mother,
you just looked so pale and ghostly.
Why thank you, darling.
The only way to properly dispose of a ghost
is to ask it nicely to leave.
I couldn't agree more, Mother. That's why I've hired
the hottest spiritualist in town to host a séance for us!
I heard the Herkimers
only got four ghosts at their séance,
and one was just a stillborn baby
who couldn't even talk.
I won't even get out of bed for less than ten ghosts.
I present Mr. Harry Houdini.
I hear you have a spirit issue?
Ooh.
Yes.
And then the ghost was gone.
Right out of thin air!
Are you sure it was real?
It was a real ghost.
My teats cried.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
You want to hear a story about a real ghost, hmm?
Well...
The man who built this house went insane.
Slaughtered his wife and children.
Chopped them up, ate gunpowder, sliced his own manhood in two,
and lit himself... aflame.
I don't like aflame.
At night, they say,
he slides into servants through their bad place.
That's... their assholes.
And do you want to know
what the name of that maniac was?
Ferwilliger Baccarat?
- Tell us, tell us! - I'll tell you.
He doesn't have a name.
You idiots.
Because he doesn't exist.
Just like ghosts don't exist.
Hmm? You stupid shitheads.
Well. Sticky Jonathan's real.
- Who is that? - Oh, Sticky Jonathan.
Well, he gets hungry if he doesn't get his macaroons.
That's why he's so sticky. That and the blood
that covers his chest. That's from his papa.
Papa was angry. He watches me while I sleep.
He sleeps forever.
You're always talking about Sticky Jonathan.
He's a figment of your imagination.
Well, if he's a figment,
then how come my stomach was all sticky this morning?
That's not... it's not...
Quit this idle chitchat!
We have a code white. We need to eradicate the ghosts
that Mr. Harry Houdini is trying to bring into this plane
with his foolish "say-on-say."
Flobelle, paint the lamb's blood above the kitchen door.
Blanche, kill yourself
so you can talk to the ghosts in their native language. Garfield, come!
That's what was on his stomach.
You think so?
Now, there are three séance packages
to choose from. The basic,
wherein I speak to the spirit but you can't hear them;
the deluxe, wherein I channel the weakened spirit...
you may speak to it,
but it will only whine in response.
Sounds like the Jewish package.
They're all Jewish packages.
And finally, the best value, best option,
top-of-the-line Champagne Excelsior package,
where I channel your loved one...
fully nude, anything goes.
We'll take the Excelsior.
We always choose the most expensive option.
- Mm, okay. - Yes, that's why I sleep
on a mattress made of one entire ruby.
It's not comfortable at all, but it's very expensive.
Wonderful. Now, let me ask you...
what do you think is haunting you?
I'm sensing...
a P...
- I (bleep) my brother! - Ooh, me too.
Except, you know, switched.
I once pushed a blind priest off of a cliff.
I know it doesn't sound like it, but trust me,
it was hilarious.
Okay... okay. Ah...
but literal hauntings. Any ghosts?
Oh, oh, I know who the ghost is.
- It's Mayor Cutie. - Oh, a dignitary.
They go at a slightly higher rate.
I will charge you...
double?
Oh, delightful. We would've paid triple.
Oh, hey... Hey there, Mister, uh...
Mr. Houdini, is it? I knew you did magic.
I... big fan, by the way, but...
I didn't realize you did conjurings too.
Yes, well, today, everyone in entertainment
has to diversify. I'm a triple threat:
magician, conjurer,
director of the New Jersey Department of Public Works.
I do magic too, actually.
That's fascinating.
I've been doing it for about eight years now.
I, uh... I mean, more seriously now
for... I, well... I've never been onstage.
I would be so honored if I could show you
some of my stuff.
I don't work with amateurs.
Do you even have a lovely assistant?
- Lovely...? - Assistant?
A confection for the eyes?
It's standard for a guy at your level...
the bottom. Like a... maybe some kind of.
Slovenian arm-wrestler, right?
With a big wooly beard,
and forearms like Christmas hams.
What? No, a lady.
It's got to be a lady. You know,
the kind you can saw in half and bang either half afterward.
It's all the same to me.
Of course. I enjoy ladies.
- Okay. - Their long, funny necks
and jagged shoulders.
I'm gonna find myself an assistant.
You can bet on it.
Who knows?
Maybe you can open up for me someday, kid.
There we are...
The spirit world and the earthly plane
should never meet.
This ghost trap will stop any ghoul in its tracks.
You know, sometimes a ghost just needs a good snack.
Sticky Jonathan loves crumpets.
Crumpets!
Ghosts must be dealt with mercilessly.
Do you know what happens to people after they die?
- They come back as daffodils. - No!
They come back as evil...
evil specters.
Now... help me stop this poltergeist.
Don't touch anything. Hmm!
But help me, boy.
But don't touch anything.
Help me, Garfield! I...
- Do not touch a thing. - I'm helping.
Shh.
No. No, no, no, no!
You're okay. Ghost Mother can't hurt you in here.
Frederick, will you be long in there?
What do you want, you fowl demon?!
Well, to have a bowel movement.
No.
No!
No, no!
No!
Beatrice, are you in here?
Beatrice!
Aw, how'd you know it was me?
Well, I'm looking right at you. How long have you been waiting there?
Oh, just for all day.
Look, I need your help.
I want you to be my assistant.
- Murder assistant? - No.
Murder has nothing to do with this task.
- Oh. - I want you to be
my magic assistant. All you have to do
is smile and wear a vest.
Ooh, I love a nice vest.
Why not let nature be your sleeves?
And most importantly, you need to look impressed
when I conjure...
the mystical arts!
Collapsible bouquet.
Yes.
Okay, but let me try something else.
Bet you can't figure out
how the flying ball works.
It's on a stick.
There was an opening in the ring!
Oh, and you dropped them.
They're all tied together.
Rise.
You're using your thumb.
I mean...
This... this mayor.
He was a fine, upstanding gentleman.
- He was a girl. - Of course, a girl.
That's... what I was saying. An upstanding woman.
- She was a dog. - Yes, a dog.
A female... dog.
Big, fluffy, huge... Chihuahua.
Little tiny Chihuahua.
But huge... huge in spirit.
Huge in cuteness. A veritable mayor...
of cuteness. Oh! That's right!
How did you know? That was her name... Mayor Cutie.
Now, there are a lot of dogs in the underworld.
I wanna make sure I find the right dog.
Anything you have of hers would be of help.
I've got a whole box.
Ooh! Would this taffeta night-cape do?
Yes. But a picture would do better.
Ah, yes.
Is this her natural hair?
Uh... ah, no. That's a wig.
Okay. And these spots...
would you say they're more black or brown?
Brown, I think.
Oh, speaking of brown...
it's her gold-encrusted poop scoop.
Still smells like her.
How many pounds would you say she was...
- or take? - She didn't like to say.
Ooh, do you wanna see her bathing suit?
It's a six-piece.
Three little bras running down the front
for all her little tits!
I think I have all the information I need.
Thank you. Now I must leave
in order to prepare.
Okay...
it seems my smoke pellets are not working.
But imagine, if you will, that I am leaving
in a puff of smoke.
Three more of these stupid gigs
and "Hou-dye-nee" gets his boat, baby.
Taken.
Here we are. I have my assistant.
- And? - And now I can open for you
like you said I could.
Oh. Of course.
Well, you're clear to do five up top to open for me,
but... it's not like it's free.
- Have you heard of "pay to play"? - Is that where an older neighbor
puts his finger in your underwear and gives you a butterscotch?
No. That's called a "Glasgow salute."
- Oh. - And it's caramel, not butterscotch.
We've got three packages.
Number one: the New Faces, where I bring you up for one quick trick.
Number two: the Up & Comer,
where I say "nice job" after you're done.
Or number three: the Champagne Excelsior.
You get your own show, private venue,
fully nude, in front of an audience of strangers.
As far as what goes down in that theatre...
well, that's dealer's choice.
Let's go with number two.
Well, suit yourself.
- Oh, excuse me. Magic man? - Yes?
Do you have the time?
Where's your watch?
- Very nice trick. - ? Ta-da ?
No, don't "ta-da." It was not your trick.
- It was my trick. - It was her trick.
She's my assistant, and it was my trick.
I can't believe it's only costing me $400
to solve literally all my problems.
And that... that goes there...
and then that goes there, and that means...
Oh, dear God.
It's right there, in front of their faces, but they're too blind to see.
How can they explain the fact
that Mother has always been an adult?
What does it mean?
What does it mean?! What does it all mean?
This is it. I am Houdini's opening act!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the séance is about to begin.
But while Mr. Houdini is setting up,
first a simple act of escape...
from me, the Great Boozler.
My assistant,
Elaine, will now bind me.
This is a regulation straightjacket.
Tie it tight.
I'm bored.
Mm. Does anyone like watching magic?
- Done! - And now...
the escape!
You have to pop your shoulder out of the socket.
You're not the magician.
I am. Women are not magic. Except that one thing where you can make
a human form inside of you. That's really magic.
That Elaine is beautiful.
Would anybody like to see a trick?
- No, thank you. - Me, me!
Frederick, pick a number.
Ah... ooh, math was not my strong suit.
Uh... all right.
Is your number... seven?
I don't remember.
- It was seven! - Wow!
And for my next trick:
this is a normal tablecloth
and a normal table. Ready?
Oh, I get it. It's Blanche.
I just know the ghost is Mayor Cutie.
Oh. I wonder if having been bones
will change her love for them in any way.
Thank you for joining me
at the table of the gods.
Can anybody else see her?
Shh, shh, shh. I hear something faint...
an ushering in of the all-seeing spirits.
Now... anyone you'd like to see?
I want to see Mother.
She's right there.
Mother, it's me, Frederick.
- Can you hear me? - Of course...
Oh, wow. He is good.
Whoa!
Garfield!
A supernatural presence is close at hand.
I can feel it. Set the bait, boys,
set the bait.
Here is paté for the ghost-dog,
here is a wire hanger for the ghost-baby.
Trio of home-baked macarons for...
Sticky Jonathan.
But Mr. Peepers, that's my best friend.
Other people will die.
You'll make friends with their ghosts.
Mr. Peepers,
how do you know so much about ghosts?
Garfield...
I've never told anybody this story before,
but my great-great-great-grandpappy...
was a ghost.
Yes, Garfield, I have ghost blood
coursing through me. It is my family's eternal shame.
Is that why they call you Spiritwalker?
What? Oh, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. They call me Spiritwalker
because I walk with such great enthusiasm.
Observe.
Oh!
Oh, Mr. Peepers!
Mister... oh! Look out!
Mr. Peepers, look at you go!
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, please be Mayor Cutie.
Please be Mayor Cutie!
Here comes... a being of smoky mystery.
- It's Cutie! - The Major Cutie!
- No... Mayor Cutie. - Mayor Cutie!
Come!
No, no! No!
If you touch that glass,
you will pierce the veil between worlds.
We will all surely perish.
I don't care about perishing! That's my dog in there.
No!
Ooh, I almost got my wrist free.
Cutie!
You came back from doggy heaven.
It's Cutie!
Wait a second.
This spot is painted on!
Imposter!
You're a flimflam man!
Well, conjure complete.
I bid you adieu!
God damn smoke pellets.
Albert-kazam!
Take him away, officers.
Well, there was no spirit after all.
No spirit?
The trap has caught the specter! Everybody follow.
Ghost...
The ghost trap has been sprung!
The phantasm is among us. Stay back!
Ghost Mother, you haunt me still!
Oh, Frederick, I'm not a ghost.
You just saw me downstairs. Unholy wraith!
Holy Christ!
Mayor Cutie.
He-Devil speaks the name of the white man's lord!
Hi, Daddy.
I thought you were a real ghost.
Hello, family.
I'm sorry I thought you were a ghost, Mother.
Father was the ghost all along!
He's no ghost.
He's been living in the walls
like some sort of rat.
I built these walls. I can live in them if I want to.
You'll do no such thing.
This is my house now. You live here no more.
Shrew!
- What a rip-off. - Bye, Daddy.
So, am I the ghost?
What should we call you? Bark when you like one.
Councilwoman Snuggles.
Burgermeister Schlussi?
Ooh, Guadalupe Festiva.
Oh, you're right.
I'll just pretend you're Mayor Cutie.
I'm so sorry I killed you.
I hope I don't have to do it again.
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -