1
00:00:09,253 --> 00:00:13,727
And now a message
from our cartoon president.

2
00:00:13,728 --> 00:00:15,019
My fellow Americans

3
00:00:15,020 --> 00:00:18,936
and temporarily unfurloughed
nonessential federal dead weight,

4
00:00:18,937 --> 00:00:21,519
we are one year into my presidency,

5
00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:25,269
and it's time to finally admit
I am absolutely crushing it.

6
00:00:25,270 --> 00:00:28,560
These past few weeks alone, I've
achieved headlines with words

7
00:00:28,561 --> 00:00:33,269
like "porn star," "shithole,"
and "cognitive function."

8
00:00:33,270 --> 00:00:35,727
It's Showtime.
I mean, I can say "shithole," right?

9
00:00:35,762 --> 00:00:38,852
Can I say [bleep] [bleep]

10
00:00:38,853 --> 00:00:42,560
No?
We found the line for season one!

11
00:00:42,561 --> 00:00:45,013
So, how did I do it?
Well, for one,

12
00:00:45,048 --> 00:00:48,103
everyone knows my
brain has great bone structure.

13
00:00:48,104 --> 00:00:51,560
My doctor said that my I.Q.
was 180/90.

14
00:00:51,561 --> 00:00:54,959
He said I'm so smart that he
doesn't know how my organs function.

15
00:00:54,994 --> 00:00:56,560
I mean, I was a great athlete.

16
00:00:56,561 --> 00:00:59,644
The Yankees wanted me to sign,
but I was in talks with the Knicks,

17
00:00:59,645 --> 00:01:02,644
which broke down because, how do
you say no to the Yankees?

18
00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:04,602
One time,
Steinbrenner's having a party,

19
00:01:04,603 --> 00:01:06,644
and Don King walks in with Roger Ailes

20
00:01:06,645 --> 00:01:10,102
and two of the hottest,
youngest pieces of ... [bleep]

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00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:13,477
So, why is this show called
"Our Cartoon President?"

22
00:01:13,478 --> 00:01:14,811
No one knows.

23
00:01:14,812 --> 00:01:18,519
But I'd like to think that it's because
we're all in this together, folks.

24
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:22,455
Each and every one of you voted
for me, and the ones who didn't,

25
00:01:22,490 --> 00:01:24,769
you kind of wanted to see
what would happen,

26
00:01:24,770 --> 00:01:27,978
and it's happening more
than you could have imagined.

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Now, some are worried that
this show might humanize me.

28
00:01:31,853 --> 00:01:33,435
Well, too late, folks.

29
00:01:33,436 --> 00:01:36,729
After my recent physical,
Dr. Ronny assured me

30
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:41,019
that I am a human being
and there's no cure for that.

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00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:43,269
I'm also our cartoon president,

32
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:46,894
and our show ...
but really mine ... begins now.

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00:01:52,897 --> 00:01:56,109
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

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00:02:04,937 --> 00:02:07,560
President Trump
enters this beautiful day

35
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:10,311
with a historically low approval rating.

36
00:02:10,346 --> 00:02:11,394
- Fake news.
- According to ...

37
00:02:11,395 --> 00:02:12,727
- ...widely reviled...
- Fake news.

38
00:02:12,728 --> 00:02:14,144
- ...bad president...
- Fake news.

39
00:02:14,145 --> 00:02:15,352
- ...piece of shit...
- Fake news.

40
00:02:15,353 --> 00:02:17,310
Temperature today ...
38, which is still higher

41
00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:18,062
than the president's approval rating.

42
00:02:18,063 --> 00:02:19,228
- Fake weather.
- Tomorrow's ...

43
00:02:21,229 --> 00:02:23,769
Okay, Fox & Friends, I'm ready.

44
00:02:23,770 --> 00:02:25,981
? Three white people on a couch ?

45
00:02:26,016 --> 00:02:27,269
? It's Fox & Friends ?

46
00:02:27,270 --> 00:02:28,560
Welcome to "Fox & Friends."

47
00:02:28,561 --> 00:02:33,727
It's 6:00 a.m., and, Mr. President,
rise and shine, and I love you.

48
00:02:33,728 --> 00:02:36,852
I don't know what it is. There's
just something about this show.

49
00:02:36,853 --> 00:02:38,394
Big week at the White House.

50
00:02:38,395 --> 00:02:40,310
First,
the State of the Union address,

51
00:02:40,311 --> 00:02:41,644
delivered before
a joint session of Congress

52
00:02:41,645 --> 00:02:44,727
broadcast to the eyes
of the nation.

53
00:02:44,728 --> 00:02:46,602
Sucks for whoever booked that gig.

54
00:02:46,603 --> 00:02:50,046
And that will be delivered by none
other than President Donald Trump.

55
00:02:50,081 --> 00:02:54,391
And we're also celebrating the
president's upcoming wedding anniversary.

56
00:02:54,426 --> 00:02:57,727
Maybe if I'm quiet enough
she'll sleep through it.

57
00:02:57,728 --> 00:02:59,852
- Oh, Donald.
- Damn it!

58
00:02:59,853 --> 00:03:02,560
When you dragged me here
from New York, I was sad,

59
00:03:02,561 --> 00:03:05,686
but every year,
your anniversary gifts remind me

60
00:03:05,687 --> 00:03:08,477
that behind the suit
the size of a beach cabana,

61
00:03:08,478 --> 00:03:11,186
there's
a blue-cheese-obstructed heart.

62
00:03:11,187 --> 00:03:13,019
That's why this year I'm giving you

63
00:03:13,020 --> 00:03:16,103
the most tremendous
anniversary gift yet.

64
00:03:16,104 --> 00:03:17,978
You're gonna love it even better

65
00:03:17,979 --> 00:03:21,269
- than taking you horse hunting.
- Really? You promise?

66
00:03:21,270 --> 00:03:23,269
Hey, I didn't get
three women to marry me

67
00:03:23,270 --> 00:03:24,978
by breaking promises.

68
00:03:29,229 --> 00:03:32,435
Why are you looking at me?
There's a TV in the room.

69
00:03:32,436 --> 00:03:34,228
Here's what I don't understand.

70
00:03:34,229 --> 00:03:35,936
Why do they get Hanukkah off,

71
00:03:35,937 --> 00:03:39,352
but I have to go to work on
President Trump's anniversary?

72
00:03:41,423 --> 00:03:45,048
And then Hillary called me to concede,
and it was official ...

73
00:03:45,049 --> 00:03:47,298
I had won the presidency.

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00:03:47,299 --> 00:03:50,464
And that's the daily recap
of the 2016 election.

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00:03:50,465 --> 00:03:53,964
Moving on to top stories. A new
Quinnipiac poll shows you've cut

76
00:03:53,965 --> 00:03:56,589
much of the excess fat
from your approval ratings.

77
00:03:56,590 --> 00:03:57,714
I mean, you got
to love an approval rating

78
00:03:57,715 --> 00:04:01,214
- that's nice and trim.
- With a firm ass.

79
00:04:01,215 --> 00:04:05,881
- Nuch Dog coming in hot.
- A local deli has named a sandwich after you.

80
00:04:05,882 --> 00:04:07,715
- And you didn't lead with that?
- Sir, I hate to interrupt,

81
00:04:07,716 --> 00:04:10,689
but have you prepared
your State of the Union speech?

82
00:04:10,724 --> 00:04:13,589
Well, I'm definitely gonna
bring up that sandwich thing.

83
00:04:13,590 --> 00:04:15,714
And then maybe
I'll announce the national bird.

84
00:04:15,715 --> 00:04:18,589
Mr. President, we already
have a national bird.

85
00:04:18,590 --> 00:04:20,006
It's the bald eagle.

86
00:04:20,007 --> 00:04:23,756
You make the bald eagle the national
flower. Trump picks the bird.

87
00:04:23,757 --> 00:04:26,505
What happened at the end
of today's Fox & Friends?

88
00:04:26,506 --> 00:04:28,922
I only caught the first 170 minutes.

89
00:04:28,923 --> 00:04:32,214
Uh, Brian Kilmeade
said you're fantastic?

90
00:04:32,215 --> 00:04:35,380
Kilmeade using
a three-syllable word?

91
00:04:35,381 --> 00:04:37,173
What are you hiding?

92
00:04:37,174 --> 00:04:39,256
I give Trump's presidency a 10.

93
00:04:39,257 --> 00:04:42,380
- 10 for me.
- Well, I'm gonna go with a 9

94
00:04:42,381 --> 00:04:46,349
because a part of my brain is
telling me that all of this is wrong.

95
00:04:46,384 --> 00:04:50,422
My God.
I've lost Kilmeade.

96
00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:53,630
Gentlemen,
I took a look at my polls,

97
00:04:53,631 --> 00:04:57,131
and I'm sad to report that
our worst fears have come true.

98
00:04:57,132 --> 00:05:01,298
Only 38% of Americans
have good taste in presidents.

99
00:05:01,299 --> 00:05:04,048
Does this mean we're moving again?

100
00:05:04,049 --> 00:05:05,505
Shut up, Eric!

101
00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,839
- Shut up, Don!
- Yeah, shut up, Don.

102
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,131
Shut up, Eric.

103
00:05:09,132 --> 00:05:11,182
I mean, that's actually
why I called you both here.

104
00:05:11,217 --> 00:05:14,473
I love you, but I don't need you
trying to goose my poll numbers.

105
00:05:14,508 --> 00:05:15,922
You leave
the heavy lifting to me

106
00:05:15,923 --> 00:05:19,298
and stick to your roles ... eating
Gushers and barfing in hot tubs.

107
00:05:19,299 --> 00:05:21,380
- You got it, Dad.
- Uh, hold on.

108
00:05:21,381 --> 00:05:23,415
Dad, we're the best bros
you got, dude.

109
00:05:23,450 --> 00:05:25,505
We know Americans way better

110
00:05:25,506 --> 00:05:28,797
than some pollsters
who surveyed Americans.

111
00:05:28,798 --> 00:05:31,964
This is the new normal, Don.
But don't worry about all this.

112
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:36,071
I got an easy trick presidents use
to juice approval ratings.

113
00:05:36,106 --> 00:05:39,922
War time, baby!
Give me that nuclear football!

114
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,006
Hyah!

115
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,797
- Give me that.
- Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!

116
00:05:42,798 --> 00:05:46,339
Okay, okay.
Fine, fine.

117
00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:49,089
So, uh, anyone have
any plans this week?

118
00:05:49,090 --> 00:05:51,006
Give me!
Uh, I got...

119
00:05:51,007 --> 00:05:54,505
- Come here.
- Forget it. If you're gonna hog the football,

120
00:05:54,506 --> 00:05:57,130
why not just take over
the whole government?

121
00:05:58,966 --> 00:06:01,965
- Did he just ask us to wage a coup?
- I heard "coup."

122
00:06:01,966 --> 00:06:03,380
- He did, right?
- I heard it, too.

123
00:06:03,381 --> 00:06:05,110
- I definitely heard the word "coup."
- That's what he heard.

124
00:06:05,111 --> 00:06:08,008
Hey, hey. Keep your pants
on, ladies. I'll handle this.

125
00:06:11,381 --> 00:06:12,547
Sir?

126
00:06:12,548 --> 00:06:16,173
I'm not talking to
General "Won't Let Me Start a War."

127
00:06:16,174 --> 00:06:21,785
Mr. President, is this about
what the mean man said on the TV?

128
00:06:21,820 --> 00:06:25,756
- Maybe.
- If you really want to be popular,

129
00:06:25,757 --> 00:06:28,048
you don't use the weapons of war.

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00:06:28,049 --> 00:06:32,173
You use the strongest weapon
in the president's arsenal ...

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00:06:32,174 --> 00:06:34,048
the State of the Union address.

132
00:06:34,049 --> 00:06:38,298
Every respected leader
has used the State of the Union

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00:06:38,299 --> 00:06:42,922
to lay out an inspiring and
unified vision for the future.

134
00:06:42,923 --> 00:06:45,630
Franklin D. Roosevelt
and the New Deal,

135
00:06:45,631 --> 00:06:48,797
L.B.J.
and the Great Society,

136
00:06:48,798 --> 00:06:53,797
Ronald Reagan and the smooth taste
of Chesterfield cigarettes.

137
00:06:53,798 --> 00:06:58,298
And now, President Trump,
it's your turn.

138
00:06:58,299 --> 00:07:03,256
Trump, Trump, Trump.

139
00:07:07,590 --> 00:07:10,339
We've found
the president's tax returns.

140
00:07:10,340 --> 00:07:14,089
They say he's the richest man
in the world!

141
00:07:15,923 --> 00:07:17,765
Reporting for duty, sir!

142
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,173
That's it!

143
00:07:20,174 --> 00:07:24,173
I'm gonna give the greatest State
of the Union address in history.

144
00:07:24,174 --> 00:07:25,589
Mark my words, I'm gonna ...

145
00:07:28,631 --> 00:07:31,048
That's the closest I've gotten.

146
00:07:31,049 --> 00:07:34,422
Wow. What a rush.
I'm coming for you.

147
00:07:34,423 --> 00:07:39,006
But until then, I'm gonna win
the State of the fricking Union!

148
00:07:39,007 --> 00:07:41,177
Fricking Union!
Fricking Union!

149
00:07:41,212 --> 00:07:43,797
Fricking Union...

150
00:07:43,848 --> 00:07:46,014
Okay, Paul,

151
00:07:46,015 --> 00:07:49,348
before I lay out my vision
for the State of the Union,

152
00:07:49,349 --> 00:07:51,181
what's the House
pyrotechnics budget?

153
00:07:51,182 --> 00:07:55,223
We do not have one, sir. That
said, I love where your head's at.

154
00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:59,421
We should totally cap it off
with some sweet M80s, right, Nuch?

155
00:07:59,456 --> 00:08:00,430
- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo!

156
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:06,348
- Gentlemen, if I may...
- Whoo-whoo!

157
00:08:06,349 --> 00:08:09,472
Y'all looking at me like I'm... crazy.

158
00:08:09,473 --> 00:08:10,931
I didn't start
the whoo-whoos, did I?

159
00:08:10,932 --> 00:08:13,348
It's my solemn duty
to remind everyone

160
00:08:13,349 --> 00:08:18,223
the State of the Union is not
a self-aggrandizing spectacle.

161
00:08:18,224 --> 00:08:22,639
Ugh. Fine!
I guess I'll lay out an "agenda."

162
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,597
Let's hear some lines
that'll get me a standing O.

163
00:08:25,598 --> 00:08:29,680
Poor people are gross, so let's
put smallpox all over pennies.

164
00:08:29,681 --> 00:08:32,056
Nuch Dog with a banger.
Keep it going.

165
00:08:32,057 --> 00:08:34,931
Too many people die every day,

166
00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:37,806
and ... and their perfectly
good brains go to waste.

167
00:08:37,807 --> 00:08:44,056
We could use brain tissue as
insulation for drafty office buildings

168
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:47,555
or, um, little, uh ...
little pillows for big dogs.

169
00:08:47,556 --> 00:08:49,555
These sound great.
I mean, that applause ...

170
00:08:49,556 --> 00:08:51,056
It's gonna be huge.

171
00:08:51,057 --> 00:08:53,764
So huge that it might finally
fill the hole in my heart

172
00:08:53,765 --> 00:08:57,681
left by my callous, unloving father.

173
00:09:00,556 --> 00:09:02,806
Whoo-whoo.

174
00:09:02,807 --> 00:09:05,389
Well, how do we know
the meeting is over?

175
00:09:05,390 --> 00:09:08,465
Does someone say "ding-ding"
or "ding-dong"?

176
00:09:12,099 --> 00:09:16,098
Look, Mike, I hate to do this,
but I need to listen to you.

177
00:09:16,099 --> 00:09:18,271
I need to get Melania
an anniversary gift.

178
00:09:18,306 --> 00:09:21,223
What do you get the woman who
has the man who has everything?

179
00:09:21,224 --> 00:09:23,597
- The Bible says in times of ...
- Skip it.

180
00:09:23,598 --> 00:09:27,306
I got Karen and her closest
gal pals third-row tickets

181
00:09:27,307 --> 00:09:29,223
to Joel Osteen's prayer fest.

182
00:09:29,224 --> 00:09:32,597
I would have joined them,
but my impure thoughts

183
00:09:32,598 --> 00:09:35,327
for an audiobook narrator
forced me to take shelter in

184
00:09:35,328 --> 00:09:38,555
- the arms of God for the evening.
- So, wait, wait.

185
00:09:38,556 --> 00:09:40,597
Y-You pawned Karen off
on someone else?

186
00:09:40,598 --> 00:09:44,348
Why, she loves spending time
with her fellow Christ-ettes.

187
00:09:44,349 --> 00:09:47,472
Say, why don't we set up
the gals on a night out?

188
00:09:47,473 --> 00:09:48,943
Michael, have you met Karen?

189
00:09:48,978 --> 00:09:51,139
It's like talking
to a human shower curtain.

190
00:09:51,140 --> 00:09:55,139
- Why, thank you, sir.
- That's not a compliment, Michael.

191
00:09:55,140 --> 00:09:58,098
And then Ohio came in,
and I was like, "Wow.

192
00:09:58,099 --> 00:10:01,348
- I mean, I think this might happen."
- Yeah, whatever, Dad.

193
00:10:01,349 --> 00:10:03,764
So, I know you said
we're out of our depth,

194
00:10:03,765 --> 00:10:05,555
but we can boost your image.

195
00:10:05,556 --> 00:10:08,931
Remember when everyone said you
were the dumbest person in the world,

196
00:10:08,932 --> 00:10:12,862
then we showed up on TV, and they
were like, "We spoke too soon"?

197
00:10:12,897 --> 00:10:14,306
We could be your new spokesmen.

198
00:10:14,307 --> 00:10:16,806
We should definitely get
Susan on the paperwork.

199
00:10:16,807 --> 00:10:19,078
Full disclosure, boys ...
I sort of made up Susan

200
00:10:19,113 --> 00:10:21,680
so critics would think I had
someone doing paperwork.

201
00:10:21,681 --> 00:10:23,764
Wa... Susan's not real?

202
00:10:23,799 --> 00:10:27,223
- But she sounded so nice on the phone.
- That was Jared.

203
00:10:27,224 --> 00:10:28,597
All right.
Forget Susan.

204
00:10:28,598 --> 00:10:31,847
Imagine it, Dad.
Your two sons on television,

205
00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:35,349
- wearing makeup, kicking ass.
- Interesting.

206
00:10:35,350 --> 00:10:38,014
Well, any man willing to put
on makeup for me has my trust.

207
00:10:38,015 --> 00:10:42,932
- Go on TV, but no Sunday shows.
- Fuck yeah!

208
00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:45,014
Stick to friendly confines ...
Hannity.

209
00:10:45,015 --> 00:10:47,056
But don't talk about Russia.

210
00:10:47,057 --> 00:10:49,502
I'm good. It's Eric
you got to worry about it.

211
00:10:49,537 --> 00:10:51,972
Yeah, actually, Dad, uh,
it's me you got to worry about.

212
00:10:51,973 --> 00:10:54,014
Eric, if you're ever in doubt,

213
00:10:54,015 --> 00:10:56,847
you just find a policeman
and tell him you're lost.

214
00:10:56,848 --> 00:10:58,348
All right, Chuck and Nancy,

215
00:10:58,349 --> 00:11:01,098
before you try to slip your
agenda into the State of the Union,

216
00:11:01,099 --> 00:11:04,555
just know you can't soften me
up with a bunch of New York talk.

217
00:11:04,556 --> 00:11:06,181
Of course not, Mr. President.

218
00:11:06,182 --> 00:11:09,889
- We're not going to talk about New York.
- What about it?

219
00:11:09,890 --> 00:11:11,983
I was taking the Staten Island
ferry the other day.

220
00:11:12,018 --> 00:11:14,549
- Empire State Building.
- Hudson River.

221
00:11:14,584 --> 00:11:18,223
- Katz's Deli.
- Pizza! Uh, train track!

222
00:11:18,224 --> 00:11:19,555
Central Park!

223
00:11:19,556 --> 00:11:21,389
Five.
Okay, you won me over.

224
00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:22,722
What do you want me to do?

225
00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:25,306
Just add the word "progress"
to your speech

226
00:11:25,307 --> 00:11:29,680
so we can tell our donors that
you capitulated to all our demands.

227
00:11:29,681 --> 00:11:31,056
You don't even have to mean it.

228
00:11:31,057 --> 00:11:32,972
Now you're playing to my strengths.

229
00:11:32,973 --> 00:11:35,098
And, by the way,
who's in charge of your party?

230
00:11:35,099 --> 00:11:38,666
Right now it seems like a bunch of
seagulls fighting over a potato chip.

231
00:11:44,753 --> 00:11:45,836
- Ted Cruz!
- Aah!

232
00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:48,877
- What the hell are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?

233
00:11:48,878 --> 00:11:50,961
- What are you doing to your teeth?
- I'm brushing them.

234
00:11:50,962 --> 00:11:54,554
You got hair on your teeth?
What am I missing here, Don?

235
00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:55,919
What do you want, Ted?

236
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,294
I decided to pick the lock
on your bedroom,

237
00:11:58,295 --> 00:12:00,961
sneak into your shower,
and wait for you to come in

238
00:12:00,962 --> 00:12:03,460
so I could bounce a State
of the Union idea off you.

239
00:12:03,461 --> 00:12:05,836
- Oh, here we go.
- Here's what I'm thinking.

240
00:12:05,837 --> 00:12:09,211
Around minute three, you pretend
like you've lost your place,

241
00:12:09,212 --> 00:12:12,128
say, "Oh, the hell with it,"
and let your good pal Ted Cruz

242
00:12:12,129 --> 00:12:13,736
- take the reins.
- No can do, Ted.

243
00:12:13,771 --> 00:12:16,575
But if it gets you out of my
bathroom, I'll tell people you're

244
00:12:16,576 --> 00:12:19,379
not that bad of a guy so they
stop judging a book by its odor.

245
00:12:19,414 --> 00:12:22,336
That's got to be the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.

246
00:12:22,337 --> 00:12:25,669
And in return, I promise
not to stab you in the back

247
00:12:25,670 --> 00:12:28,211
- for the sake of attention.
- Great. Anything else?

248
00:12:28,212 --> 00:12:30,294
Now, is everyone
brushing their teeth,

249
00:12:30,295 --> 00:12:32,211
or is this, like,
an alternative-medicine thing?

250
00:12:32,212 --> 00:12:37,294
As we all know, President Trump and
I haven't always seen eye to eye,

251
00:12:37,295 --> 00:12:39,150
but our boy has turned a corner

252
00:12:39,185 --> 00:12:42,460
and decided to do things
the Washington way,

253
00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:47,502
and I have agreed to value
political expediency

254
00:12:47,503 --> 00:12:50,516
over my conscience.

255
00:12:53,129 --> 00:12:56,336
- Hannity!
- The American people all agree

256
00:12:56,337 --> 00:12:58,336
that the Democrat deserve to drown.

257
00:12:58,337 --> 00:13:01,002
Moving on,
let's welcome the greatest sons

258
00:13:01,003 --> 00:13:02,669
of the greatest president in history.

259
00:13:02,670 --> 00:13:05,585
First, let me just say it's
an honor to be in the presence

260
00:13:05,586 --> 00:13:07,502
of what used to be
Donald Trump's sperm.

261
00:13:07,503 --> 00:13:09,836
- I'm feeling the high.
- Great to be here, man.

262
00:13:09,837 --> 00:13:11,919
The presidency is going so well.

263
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,752
Good morning, Sean.
I am Eric.

264
00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:18,044
Let's start with the first question
your dad told me to ask you.

265
00:13:18,045 --> 00:13:20,128
- Why are you good?
- Uh, hate to interrupt, Sean,

266
00:13:20,129 --> 00:13:21,585
but I just need to say right up front

267
00:13:21,586 --> 00:13:23,836
that we are not here
to talk about Russia.

268
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:26,143
Of course. That's nonsense!
Russia doesn't exist.

269
00:13:26,178 --> 00:13:29,002
Dad told us we're not allowed
to talk about it.

270
00:13:29,003 --> 00:13:32,128
Uh, that Russia stuff is secret.
I doubt we've even been to Russia.

271
00:13:32,129 --> 00:13:35,128
- I do not recall...
- Yes, and anyone who says otherwise

272
00:13:35,129 --> 00:13:37,585
can join Democratic
drowning victims in hell.

273
00:13:37,586 --> 00:13:41,044
It's funny, Sean. The Russia
stuff is so good at being fake

274
00:13:41,045 --> 00:13:43,669
that it almost feels entirely real.

275
00:13:43,670 --> 00:13:45,294
Totally.
But, like, if it was fake,

276
00:13:45,295 --> 00:13:49,419
why would Dad be so mad about it?
You'd think he'd be like,

277
00:13:49,420 --> 00:13:51,836
"Oh, that's not a thing,
and we're moving on."

278
00:13:51,837 --> 00:13:53,460
Eric, you're talking about it!

279
00:13:53,461 --> 00:13:56,211
Shut up,
or Dad's gonna be so mad.

280
00:13:56,212 --> 00:14:01,378
- Dad, we messed it up!
- You make it so hard.

281
00:14:01,379 --> 00:14:04,241
- Fuck you, Dad.
- I'm sorry.

282
00:14:05,770 --> 00:14:07,752
When we come back,

283
00:14:07,753 --> 00:14:11,044
Rudy Giuliani and I will talk
over a black doctor,

284
00:14:11,045 --> 00:14:13,859
and later, we'll watch an
American flag throw a football.

285
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:15,794
Roll the reverse-mortgage ad!

286
00:14:15,795 --> 00:14:18,460
And then they called Wisconsin,
and I was president.

287
00:14:18,461 --> 00:14:21,419
- Do you want to hear it again?
- Always.

288
00:14:21,420 --> 00:14:24,710
But, first, how's your State
of the Union address coming?

289
00:14:24,711 --> 00:14:26,585
Terrific.
Stephen Miller's writing it.

290
00:14:26,586 --> 00:14:29,919
I mean, that guy's incredible
at channeling my voice.

291
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:33,044
Oh, Anamalick,
demon of the unheard,

292
00:14:33,045 --> 00:14:38,128
guide my syntax that it may
traverse the valley of darkest woe.

293
00:14:38,129 --> 00:14:39,045
Ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot.

294
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:43,627
That's great. And I've just been
informed of your anniversary.

295
00:14:43,628 --> 00:14:47,752
So, what do you have planned
with the little lady?

296
00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:49,877
Well, I'd love to say,
but I really don't like

297
00:14:49,878 --> 00:14:53,044
- to throw my wealth in people's faces.
- Ah, come on, Donald.

298
00:14:53,045 --> 00:14:56,794
- We're all pretending to be friends here.
- Okay, okay.

299
00:14:56,795 --> 00:14:59,961
It was gonna be a big surprise,
but here it is ...

300
00:14:59,962 --> 00:15:05,253
limo, dinner, a tremendous
luxurious night on the town

301
00:15:05,254 --> 00:15:09,072
for you and Karen Pence.

302
00:15:10,129 --> 00:15:14,794
Don't wait up, boys.
We're going to a restaurant.

303
00:15:14,795 --> 00:15:16,961
Karen Pence?

304
00:15:16,962 --> 00:15:19,627
She doesn't even know
the first thing about fashion.

305
00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:22,919
She told me her favorite designer
is Cracker Barrel gift shop.

306
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:26,270
Honey, until I get a better job, we're
stuck here, so make nice with Karen.

307
00:15:26,305 --> 00:15:29,128
- Unh-unh-unh! No tartar in Texas!
- Oh, no.

308
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:30,378
What's Ted Cruz doing now?

309
00:15:30,379 --> 00:15:32,544
When I heard the president
and his phony-baloney cronies

310
00:15:32,545 --> 00:15:36,169
in Washingtoni-ony
were working on an agenda

311
00:15:36,170 --> 00:15:39,336
that will bankrupt
regular folks, I thought,

312
00:15:39,337 --> 00:15:44,172
"What is the most callous, most
self-serving thing that I can do?"

313
00:15:44,207 --> 00:15:45,669
And here I am, Ted Cruz!

314
00:15:45,670 --> 00:15:48,836
Calling for a boycott of
the State of the Union address.

315
00:15:48,837 --> 00:15:53,336
Additionally, I will be moving
forward on brushing my teeth.

316
00:15:53,337 --> 00:15:56,336
Just need to find a toothpaste
that goes down smooth.

317
00:15:56,337 --> 00:15:57,669
We know we screwed up by making

318
00:15:57,670 --> 00:16:01,583
a passing reference to Russia,
but we can fix this.

319
00:16:01,618 --> 00:16:04,435
We just have to get everyone
to feel really bad for us.

320
00:16:04,470 --> 00:16:06,128
And so Eric's gonna go,
and he's gonna disappear

321
00:16:06,129 --> 00:16:10,502
- into the Bermuda Triangle.
- Really, Eric? You're okay with this?

322
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:14,294
Yeah. I mean, I'm sort of just
hearing it for the first time now.

323
00:16:14,295 --> 00:16:15,794
You know what?
You've done enough.

324
00:16:15,795 --> 00:16:17,710
You'd better hope
my brain makes me tweet

325
00:16:17,711 --> 00:16:19,378
something that distracts the media.

326
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:21,794
It's really anyone's guess
until I get on that toilet.

327
00:16:21,795 --> 00:16:24,961
And the dog on my dress
is chasing a bone,

328
00:16:24,962 --> 00:16:28,045
- and the bone is on my back.
- Oh, my God.

329
00:16:28,046 --> 00:16:31,836
Now, here's where things
get really kooky.

330
00:16:31,837 --> 00:16:35,544
- This dress has pockets.
- More wine!

331
00:16:35,545 --> 00:16:37,639
You know what you need, Melanarnia?

332
00:16:37,674 --> 00:16:41,752
You have this look that says,
"I'm not from around here."

333
00:16:41,753 --> 00:16:46,212
What if I told you my gay barber
stays open late on Mondays? Ooh!

334
00:16:46,913 --> 00:16:51,086
- Honey, I think ...
- Do not talk to me right now.

335
00:16:51,087 --> 00:16:54,627
All I was gonna say is
that you look like Karen Pence.

336
00:16:54,628 --> 00:16:57,669
She tried to baptize me
in reflecting pool.

337
00:16:57,670 --> 00:17:01,253
Would it kill you to go with the
flow of the life I blundered us into?

338
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,191
Donald, when I moved here,

339
00:17:03,192 --> 00:17:06,253
you were the only thing I knew.
You were my home.

340
00:17:06,254 --> 00:17:09,585
But when you act like this,
I feel like a refugee.

341
00:17:09,586 --> 00:17:11,585
So, tomorrow,
I go back to New York.

342
00:17:11,586 --> 00:17:14,378
Katz Deli.
I mean don't go, don't go.

343
00:17:14,379 --> 00:17:16,942
- Good night, Donald.
- Good night, LaGuardia.

344
00:17:16,977 --> 00:17:19,569
I-I mean M-Melania.

345
00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:31,419
Uhh!
Uhh...

346
00:17:31,420 --> 00:17:32,502
Oh, God.

347
00:17:32,503 --> 00:17:35,128
Where's your fire truck, loser?

348
00:17:37,628 --> 00:17:43,294
We found Trump's tax return.
Turns out, he's only very rich!

349
00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:47,544
- Melania, will you marry me?
- Yes, Colin!

350
00:17:47,545 --> 00:17:50,961
Hey, Donald!
I used your toothbrush.

351
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,100
Ah, Ted Cruz!

352
00:17:58,287 --> 00:18:01,169
That's a menace!

353
00:18:06,337 --> 00:18:08,460
He's a war hero
'cause he was captured.

354
00:18:08,461 --> 00:18:12,336
I like people that weren't
captured, okay? I hate to tell you.

355
00:18:12,337 --> 00:18:13,982
But what we want to do is to replenish

356
00:18:13,983 --> 00:18:17,086
- the Social Security trust fund.
- Such a nasty woman.

357
00:18:17,087 --> 00:18:19,669
Look at that.
I was so young.

358
00:18:19,670 --> 00:18:23,294
They're bringing crime.
They're rapists.

359
00:18:23,295 --> 00:18:26,294
And some, I assume,
are good people.

360
00:18:26,295 --> 00:18:29,002
It's amazing.
I still have that same suit.

361
00:18:29,003 --> 00:18:32,502
...what we're getting.
And it only makes common sense.

362
00:18:32,503 --> 00:18:36,211
When did I lose my way, boys?
It's this city.

363
00:18:36,212 --> 00:18:40,086
It's these Washington losers
with the "you can't say that"

364
00:18:40,087 --> 00:18:42,710
and "you can't put a mini-fridge
in your bathroom.

365
00:18:42,711 --> 00:18:46,169
- It would be 'unhygienic.'"
- Here's the deal.

366
00:18:46,170 --> 00:18:48,877
Washington's gonna criticize us
no matter what we do.

367
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:51,585
So we should just do us,
which is you.

368
00:18:51,586 --> 00:18:54,086
I want to see the guy
who sued my mom,

369
00:18:54,087 --> 00:18:57,752
the guy who totally owned a Gold
Star family on national television,

370
00:18:57,753 --> 00:19:01,294
the guy who slapped me when
I underordered at Chili's.

371
00:19:01,295 --> 00:19:02,378
You're right.

372
00:19:02,379 --> 00:19:04,919
You gotta see this guy.
"Uh, I don't know what I said.

373
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,378
Uh, I don't remember!"

374
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:08,294
- That's the real Donald Trump.
- "I don't remember."

375
00:19:08,295 --> 00:19:11,253
That's who's gonna win
the State of the Union.

376
00:19:11,254 --> 00:19:14,710
- Uh, what should we do?
- Just do what you do best, boys,

377
00:19:14,711 --> 00:19:16,627
which, to be clear, is nothing.

378
00:19:16,628 --> 00:19:19,752
Got it. We'll do
the most nothing ever, Dad.

379
00:19:25,212 --> 00:19:28,002
Tonight is President Trump's
first State of the Union,

380
00:19:28,003 --> 00:19:30,364
and everyone's wondering,
"What will he do?"

381
00:19:30,399 --> 00:19:31,752
Will he embrace Washington

382
00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:34,211
or take a 40-minute call
with Carl Icahn?

383
00:19:34,212 --> 00:19:35,253
Make it up the podium stairs

384
00:19:35,254 --> 00:19:38,086
or deliver the address
from the doorway?

385
00:19:38,087 --> 00:19:40,336
Mr. President,

386
00:19:40,337 --> 00:19:44,086
I present "State of the Union
2018: Blood Horizon."

387
00:19:44,087 --> 00:19:47,336
Allow me to read you one
of the more tame passages.

388
00:19:47,337 --> 00:19:50,086
And, lo,
the tide of Caucasian might

389
00:19:50,087 --> 00:19:51,836
will crush down on the
shore of Chicago,

390
00:19:51,837 --> 00:19:56,086
turning Lake Michigan seas
red with the blood

391
00:19:56,087 --> 00:19:58,456
- of the irredeemably unemployed...
- Great stuff.

392
00:19:58,491 --> 00:20:00,044
We can use it for another speech.

393
00:20:00,045 --> 00:20:02,378
I'll tell Susan to keep it on file.

394
00:20:06,045 --> 00:20:09,253
Melania, the State of the Union
is about to start.

395
00:20:09,254 --> 00:20:12,794
I'm going to New York.
I have tickets to Stomp in six hours.

396
00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:15,961
Melania, I know
you didn't want to come here.

397
00:20:15,962 --> 00:20:17,169
None of us did.

398
00:20:17,170 --> 00:20:20,919
But Hillary didn't go to
Wisconsin, so here we are.

399
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,794
And we have to make
the best of a bad situation.

400
00:20:22,795 --> 00:20:25,502
Come on, babe, time to go.

401
00:20:25,503 --> 00:20:27,836
We can chitchat
when we're all in prison.

402
00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:32,294
I told you guys not to do anything.

403
00:20:32,295 --> 00:20:35,022
We just wanted to show you that
we're not bad at everything.

404
00:20:35,057 --> 00:20:37,961
? Duh-da-da-da ?

405
00:20:37,962 --> 00:20:40,794
- Do you like it?
- Wow.

406
00:20:40,795 --> 00:20:44,627
When you guys confirmed my ties
to a hostile foreign power,

407
00:20:44,628 --> 00:20:49,419
I'll admit I was pretty miffed,
but this is awesome!

408
00:20:49,420 --> 00:20:51,502
Dad, how about a hug?

409
00:20:51,503 --> 00:20:53,794
I'd love that, but maybe
close your mouth first.

410
00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:57,169
- I don't want to have to change my suit.
- Oh, it is closed.

411
00:20:57,170 --> 00:21:00,502
- Don, am I crazy? Is it open?
- Yeah, Dad, it's open.

412
00:21:00,503 --> 00:21:03,169
It's always open.

413
00:21:06,337 --> 00:21:12,294
Mr. Speaker, the President
of the United States' son.

414
00:21:12,295 --> 00:21:16,294
Ladies and gentlemen,
America is on fire,

415
00:21:16,295 --> 00:21:20,169
and there's only one man
who can put it out ...

416
00:21:20,170 --> 00:21:26,394
President Donald J. Truuuuump!

417
00:21:37,628 --> 00:21:41,919
My fellow Americans,

418
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,378
the State of the Union is...

419
00:21:47,275 --> 00:21:51,461
- I love you, Dad.
- I love me, too!

420
00:21:53,420 --> 00:21:58,710
The next seven years
will be tremendous!

421
00:21:58,711 --> 00:22:01,669
First,
I'm gonna finish this speech,

422
00:22:01,670 --> 00:22:04,890
and it's gonna be a huge success!

423
00:22:04,925 --> 00:22:07,373
Then we're gonna take
all the Time's Up pins

424
00:22:07,408 --> 00:22:09,086
and melt them into guns.

425
00:22:09,087 --> 00:22:13,544
And during sweeps week,
get your passports ready,

426
00:22:13,545 --> 00:22:17,669
because we're taking
the whole country to Hawaii!

427
00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:25,253
Okay, folks, let's bang
out these special guests.

428
00:22:25,254 --> 00:22:26,419
Bing, bang, boom.

429
00:22:26,420 --> 00:22:28,044
We got cop, fireman,
woman thing,

430
00:22:28,045 --> 00:22:31,669
science guy,
the sandwich named after me.

431
00:22:31,670 --> 00:22:34,544
They're all patriots, folks.

432
00:22:34,545 --> 00:22:36,544
Loving it!

433
00:22:36,545 --> 00:22:39,752
You know, ever since I won
the Electoral College

434
00:22:39,753 --> 00:22:42,378
by the largest margin in history,

435
00:22:42,379 --> 00:22:44,752
Washington has tried to box me in,

436
00:22:44,753 --> 00:22:47,253
make me say dumb dictionary
words like "progress,"

437
00:22:47,254 --> 00:22:51,419
and give handshakes that end
the same day they began,

438
00:22:51,420 --> 00:22:54,305
but that's not who I am.

439
00:22:54,340 --> 00:22:56,775
Donald Trump thinks freely,

440
00:22:56,776 --> 00:22:59,211
brags bigly, and bings bongly!

441
00:22:59,212 --> 00:23:00,129
One moment, I'm talking cake,

442
00:23:00,130 --> 00:23:03,044
and the next, I'm threatening nukes!

443
00:23:03,963 --> 00:23:06,752
I'm gonna get it,
and I'm not giving it back!

444
00:23:06,753 --> 00:23:08,795
We'll see how you'll like it.

445
00:23:10,711 --> 00:23:12,739
But what I want to talk to you
about right now

446
00:23:12,774 --> 00:23:16,877
is my wife, Ivana ...
Ivanka, Melanka ... Melania.

447
00:23:16,878 --> 00:23:18,710
Yes, Melania.

448
00:23:18,711 --> 00:23:21,460
She gave up a lot
to be here in Washington ...

449
00:23:21,461 --> 00:23:26,253
escalators, pizza,
and I don't thank her enough.

450
00:23:28,045 --> 00:23:31,961
I don't thank you enough either.
Oh, thank you, Jared.

451
00:23:31,962 --> 00:23:35,169
If you loved me, you'd tell
your dad to fire me.

452
00:23:35,170 --> 00:23:37,919
Oh, Jared,
that will never happen.

453
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,953
That is why, in the spirit of
returning to my impulsive ways,

454
00:23:41,988 --> 00:23:46,460
that I'm gonna name Melania ...
oh, I don't know ... national bird?

455
00:23:46,461 --> 00:23:47,994
Do we like that?

456
00:23:48,029 --> 00:23:51,320
We like it.
Come on up, Bird.

457
00:23:52,878 --> 00:23:55,877
How do you like
your anniversary gift?

458
00:23:55,878 --> 00:23:57,502
You're back.

459
00:23:58,296 --> 00:24:02,502
Wow, look at these gibblets!
All the fixings!

460
00:24:02,503 --> 00:24:04,627
You all want
to hear a bird sound?

461
00:24:04,628 --> 00:24:05,794
Caw-caw!
Caw-caw!

462
00:24:05,795 --> 00:24:09,169
She's working on it, folks.

463
00:24:12,429 --> 00:24:14,836
I give the president's speech a 10.

464
00:24:14,837 --> 00:24:17,294
10 over here. Brian?

465
00:24:17,295 --> 00:24:21,044
I'm gonna say a 9.9 because, again,

466
00:24:21,045 --> 00:24:24,086
a tiny part of my brain ...
and it's so small ...

467
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:27,422
but it's screaming that all
of this is completely wrong.

468
00:24:27,457 --> 00:24:31,419
I'll take it. Melania, I
won the State of the Union,

469
00:24:31,420 --> 00:24:34,460
and I couldn't have done it
without you staying quiet

470
00:24:34,461 --> 00:24:36,294
about the porn star I paid off.

471
00:24:36,295 --> 00:24:39,211
I feel like I won
the State of the Union.

472
00:24:39,212 --> 00:24:41,294
Right.
Well, you kind of didn't,

473
00:24:41,295 --> 00:24:43,877
because it turns out there's
already a national bird.

474
00:24:43,878 --> 00:24:45,710
Not a lot of people know that.

475
00:24:45,711 --> 00:24:49,752
- But there is some good news.
- What's this?

476
00:24:49,753 --> 00:24:53,502
An executive order proclaiming
that I tried to make you happy.

477
00:24:54,161 --> 00:24:57,599
Donald, thank you.

478
00:24:57,634 --> 00:24:58,627
More good news.

479
00:24:58,628 --> 00:25:01,502
My State of the Union ratings
were so high,

480
00:25:01,503 --> 00:25:04,960
they asked me to do it again
next year! Yay!

481
00:25:05,246 --> 00:25:09,544
? Donald Trump is the president ?

482
00:25:09,545 --> 00:25:13,003
? Donald Trump is the president ?

483
00:25:13,004 --> 00:25:15,460
? Is Donald Trump
the president? ?

484
00:25:15,461 --> 00:25:17,075
? Yes, he is ?

485
00:25:17,110 --> 00:25:20,044
? Yes, he is,
we elected him president ?

486
00:25:20,045 --> 00:25:22,711
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?

487
00:25:22,712 --> 00:25:24,169
? Yes, he is ?

488
00:25:24,170 --> 00:25:27,169
? We had a vote
and elected him president ?

489
00:25:27,170 --> 00:25:33,087
? Donald Trump is the president ?

490
00:25:33,628 --> 00:25:36,086
? Donald Trump ?

491
00:25:36,087 --> 00:25:39,502
? He is our president ?

492
00:25:39,503 --> 00:25:42,961
? We made him president ?

493
00:25:42,962 --> 00:25:45,335
? We did it ?

494
00:25:45,336 --> 00:25:49,252
? Donald Trump is the president ?

495
00:25:49,253 --> 00:25:52,335
? We elected Donald Trump ?

496
00:25:52,336 --> 00:25:55,836
? Donald Trump
is the president ?

497
00:25:55,837 --> 00:25:59,377
? Donald Trump is the president ?

498
00:25:59,378 --> 00:26:03,291
? Yeah ?

499
00:26:03,326 --> 00:26:04,301
Trump!

500
00:26:04,378 --> 00:26:06,747
Gotcha.
Let's have some fun.

501
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:11,121
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