_
The Fifth Annual Competitive Aerobics Competition,
it was my first finals and I was the favorite to win it all.
My dad made me train my whole life for this moment.
Today's the day, son.
Moments like this separate the men from the boys.
And that routine puts Barry Cross in the lead.
Barry...
Okay, that's me, Joe Force,
with every person I'd been trying to avoid for the past 20 years.
Barry Cross, my arch nemesis.
Claudia, my high school girlfriend that left me for my arch nemesis.
My mom, former pageant queen,
also bat-shit crazy.
And finally, Colonel Force, my dad, the Godfather of Aerobics.
Growing up, my dad took this shit way too seriously.
Win, or don't come home.
Our next contestant,
Joe Force!
Well, I didn't win,
- so I didn't go home. - _
? ...They say that every rose has its thorn... ?
I became the lead singer of Guns Van Bovi.
We're available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and a mom's night out.
- I love you! - I wanna talk to you later.
? Just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song ?
? And every rose has its thorn ?
Ladies and gentlemen, we've been Guns Van Bovi.
Who's stickin' around for the next set?
- We are! - Whoa,
I got droopy yeses, right there, thank you.
Hey, where's my whiskey churro?
Nice.
Listen, kid, your mom called.
You do remember your dad, don't you?
A republican Richard Simmons. How could I forget him?
You two weren't very close, were you?
No, no.
Our only contact is an annual Christmas card with a, uh,
weight watchers gift certificate
and a list of workout routines.
Well, he died.
What?
He died?
Your mom said his ticker gave out
while he was teaching an aerobics class.
Repeat after me:
Cardio is not a plate of Mexican food.
Cardio is...
Cardio is.
Heart's on fire.
- Heart's on fire. - Ah!
I told him that fitness shit would kill him.
Those things happen.
Oh!
Hey...
been there.
I know what that's like. I know what you're goin' through.
Listen, you know I'm lookin' for a partner to invest
in my baked potato buffet.
You just told me my dad died
and you want me to put my inheritance into
a baked potato buffet?
Thanks for thinking of me, but it's not a good time.
- Hey, can you play Cat's In The Cradle? - Okay.
- ? Let's get physical, physical ? - Sync/Corrections PetaG - addic7ed.com -
Man, this place is bigger than two house codes put together.
Oh, man, I need a drink.
- Car bar? - Car bar.
Drink up, boys. We're only stayin' for a few days.
I'm gonna find out what my dad left me, sell it, and then we're...
- Hittin' the road. - Cheers to this shit.
Ah.
Oh, by the way, this is wedding band behavior.
Food and booze, open game. Hands off the women.
- Man... Dude. Yeah. - I'm still gettin' laid.
So he really was a great, great loss.
Thank you, though.
Hi, Mom.
- Ah! - That was for wearing that shirt,
and for not returning my calls for three years.
Uh.
There, that's for losing your father.
I'm so sorry, darling.
I'm sorry too, Mom.
- A bit flabby. - Yeah, life of a rock star.
Well, actually I thought
rock stars were skinny
- because of the drugs. - Donuts are a drug.
Come, there's something you need to see.
Good to see you too.
I'm Colonel Tom Force, and this is my last will and testament.
Janet, my love,
you must be devastated.
He knew me so well.
As for you, my disgrace of a son,
I knew you'd show.
You want your cut.
He knew you well too.
- Our next contestant, Joe Force! - How did you put this in your will?
Don't look away, Joseph.
You can't keep running from your legacy.
Barry Cross,
not only did he beat you,
he married Claudia and started a successful fitness brand.
I'm getting the feeling I'm gonna need to borrow some gas money.
Janet, you get the house
and a generous monthly stipend.
Joe...
you get the gym.
But my hard earned money is gonna have to be earned harder.
That's why I'm donating your $8 million inheritance
to the winning gym
of the Competitive Aerobics Championship.
What!?
Sell the gym and finance your own demise,
or man up, shave your legs, put on spandex, and go for the gold.
I believe there is still winners blood
pumping through those clogged arteries.
So we have three months to get you back into finals shape.
Tough, but doable.
Are you serious?
You think this is a good idea? Mom, this is crazy.
Look, your father and I made a pact
that whoever passed first, the other one
would dedicate themselves to getting your life back on track.
My life is on track.
It's one big track.
I play at packed houses every night, women everywhere.
I am not giving up my musical career for this shit!
If you try to sell the gym or you resist going for gold,
I will be forced to use every tool in my arsenal.
Do it. I dare you.
I'm not afraid of you anymore. That's why I left. I'm bulletproof.
Now you have the key and the deed to the gym.
Mom, I know you want me to be Patrick Swayze, but I'm not.
I'm Axl Rose.
I wish Patrick Swayze was my son.
Patrick Swayze's dead, Mom.
- He died, too. - Yes.
Oh, this is the worst day of my life.
Yeah, join the club.
Rest in peace, Colonel.
Fifteen years ago...
Claudia?
- Oh! - Wow, you look great.
I know. Uh, you look...
Like you have a good story to tell
- Oh. - or something.
Oh! I think I broke a record.
Hey, where's Joe?
Oh, um...
Holy! Phew, haha.
- Hey. - Barry Cross.
Joe hopeless, shapeless and now fatherless Force.
Okay, that was, uh, a little too far.
Yeah, we're in front of his dead body.
Yeah, I was just joshin'!
Why are you here?
We're here to pay our respects
- to the Godfather of Aerobics. So... - Yeah.
Hey, I apologize for the casual attire, but it is black,
and I was able to squeeze some cardio on the way in,
so not a total loss... For me.
I mean, this is a loss.
It's a sad moment for... for you.
Another one.
So what are you doing with your dad's gym, because I want it.
- Great, I don't. You can have it. - Great, I will take it.
- I'll sell it. - I'll buy it from you.
- Yeah, how much? - Yeah.
Well, when you're done grieving, we can discuss this matter.
Okay, done grieving. What's your offer?
Okay, slow down. This is a funeral.
Um, Fitness By Force is in a really great location.
- Yeah. - But we...
we'll probably take a few hours to prep the offer.
We're gonna franchise. We got big plans.
Yeah, I don't care about your plans. Where do I find you?
Oh, just look for the building with perfectly sculpted
physiques walking in and out.
331 Metrics Avenue. Okay, if you need to get there, Google it.
- Do not use Apple Maps. - Mmm.
So glad you came.
- Yeah, we gotta go. - I'm sorry for your loss.
And for how much you've gained.
Um...
Okay.
_
Have a good workout.
I'm sorry, sir. Our plus size terminal is at another address.
- Terminal? - Are you okay?
Thank you so much for asking.
My dad just died, and I moved back in with my mom,
- and our relationship... - Please stop.
We don't do negative downloads at our terminals.
Have a fit day.
We call them terminals, because this is where you plug in to turn on.
Terminal's also a word used to describe life-threatening illnesses.
I mean you're a walking angioplasty, but no, no, no illness in here.
Our bodies are temples, and treated as such.
My body's a dive bar.
Everybody's having fun and much better stories.
Gandhi once claimed that his sense of humor
was the only thing that prevented him from committing suicide.
I don't trust people that don't eat.
Intermittent fasting is physiologically beneficial.
You are so boring. Will you just sign the contract?
- Yeah, I'll sign the contract. - Good.
- Yeah, good. Well, give me a pen. - Great.
- Okay, I'm gonna... - You know, I'm gonna use my own pen.
- Good for you. - I have a superior pen.
- I bet you do. - Okay.
Wait, um,
do I have to walk, or do you have, like, a scooter or a tram...?
No, okay.
Welcome... to the future of fitness.
Metrix wearables,
they monitor your stats and vitals.
Everything and everyone is plugged into our custom AI software
that sends you a daily workout regimen.
Ah, this is hilarious.
You had to create all of this
because you couldn't get laid in high school.
- Ha. - You peaked at 17.
I'm still blossoming.
Rage cycle.
One of our most popular stress-relieving classes.
Oh, you're gonna cut me off in traffic? No, no, no, no.
I'm gonna cut you off. I'll cut your whole family off!
I beat off to relief stress. Do you have a class for that?
The Daoist masters regard seminal retention
as the pathway to immortality.
Now don't get me wrong, Claudia and I bang like rabbits,
but at climax, rather than spill it,
I redistribute the jing chi energy throughout my entire body.
See, I'll be toasting my 125th birthday
while you've splooged your way to an early grave.
You don't jizz?
Not every woman wants to have kids, Mom!
And our most advanced feature,
facial recognition mirrors.
They scan your face,
find your most popular social media post,
and mount it on the screen. Wanna try it?
Not on social media. I actually talk to real people.
Well, that's the definition of social media.
Come on, let's see what you've been up to.
Stand there and look like a marshmallow.
See, nothing. I'm off the grid.
Everybody is in the Metrix.
Match found, Joe Force.
Another classic Joe Force stage fail.
You should really start charging for these.
Dictation, post to all social media platforms.
Old rival fallen on hard/soft times.
#whoops, #donutdiet.
Status posted across all social media platforms.
Are you ready to talk terms?
That's what businessmen say to each other
when they're about to negotiate a deal.
You know what? Screw you, Barry.
I'm not letting you turn my dad's gym into some fitness cult.
Well, I'd say you're about to make the biggest mistake of your life,
but I mean, look at you.
I hated my dad, but not this much.
Well, hey, uh,
don't forget to grab a super absorbent Metrix T-shirt on your way out.
They're available in triple small, double small
and our plus size, kids medium.
_
Joe,
there were two places you would run off to when you feeling down.
The Chinese buffet is closed.
Don't act like you know me.
You broke my heart.
You left me right after I lost the finals, and...
We never even broke up.
You ghosted me before ghosting was a thing.
Then you married dingleberry and started a gym
- that turns people into robots. - Okay, Joe...
- They're robots! - Joe, I regret leaving you
like that, I really do,
but I don't regret the rest of my life decisions.
You still have feelings for me, don't you?
No.
Uh, sympathy, maybe.
All I'm asking is that you just think
about making a deal before you go off and do something rash, okay?
I've already decided I'm just gonna
let it fill up with transient squatters
- and turn into a soup kitchen. - That's great.
When your soup kitchen falls through,
we'll be here ready with the check.
And you know our gym is already full of squatters,
but they're like... the good kind.
Bye.
Damn. Christ!
You're a mean old bastard, but you always...
were a mean old bastard.
"You're a disgrace."
Oh, well, thank you Dad.
You old pervert. You liked it when people looked at your dong.
Look at that, your big dick.
That's one thing you gave me.
Ugh.
Oh, I hope I die tonight.
_
Tell me you didn't sell the gym.
Tried. It doesn't matter.
Don't judge me.
I ended up this way
'cause he was a terrible father who forced me to do everything his way.
Yeah, the right way.
Fitness By Force way.
I'm so confused. Everyone's taking advantage of me.
Not me, I'm different. I'm your mom.
And having you back's made me realize what's important.
You.
Look this is not about the money.
Good, 'cause there's no way I can win that competition.
Who cares? I got my baby boy back.
Oh.
Ooh.
You still got some, uh, solid muscle under that.
What size unitard are you wearing these days?
- This is about the money! - I just thought you could give it a shot.
I am done with this. I wasn't gonna sell this place,
but if everybody else is out for themselves, I am too.
Don't look at me like that.
He's your son.
Body fat index, 13%, now 15%.
Ooh, I'm detecting some fat deposits,
which may present some unflattering camera angles.
- What? - 20%.
Shit, it must've been that goji berry smoothie I had last week.
- Mmm... - Zero net carbs, my fat ass.
Barry, we need to talk!
Cross Control, door open.
Okay, it's cool that it opens, but we need a snazzier cue.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Is that the same shitty shirt you wore yesterday,
or a new shitty shirt? It looks more yellow.
Uh, I had a rough night.
Um, I know we've had our differences, but I, uh,
really just need to sell my dad's gym
so I can take my band on tour.
Oh, yeah, yeah, no. Yeah, we're not interested
in acquiring your shitty sweatbox anymore.
You wanted it yesterday.
Your mommy called, and the Metrix no longer wants
your shit gym because we wanna go after your dad's 8 million.
Janet told us about the will.
And then she called me a money hungry trollop.
She made it personal.
You mess with the queen,
you get the king.
It's time for me to come out of retirement.
Great.
Hey, how do I get up onto the roof? I, um, I need to kill myself.
Oh, no, that's a liability. We can't have that here.
There's a roof across the parking lot.
Listen, pal, if you and your shit gym
happen to still be around by the time I win the aerobics finals,
I will buy it back from you with your dad's money.
Barry, I think he's been through enough, right?
Let's just by the damn gym and then eliminate him from the competition.
That way we don't have to deal with him later.
That's a great idea.
You've struck a sentimental chord with my wife. That's very rare.
Yeah, that's 'cause I used to plow her.
- Oh. - But the answer is shit no.
Cross Control, cue sad exit music.
- Yes, that cue I like. Yeah, save that one. - Okay.
Eat my ass, dingleberry.
Cross Control, order a million dildos.
No, no!
- Cross Control, cancel. Cancel the million dildos. - Order confirmed. Next day delivery.
No need for a million dildos.
Uh, pretty handsome, isn't he?
Pack up your gear, boys. We are getting out of here for...
good... Oh, shit!
Janet told you too.
You just had to turn them against me, didn't you?
Let me guess, you guys want me to go for the gold.
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Why go on tour for thousands
when I can win millions and fund all of our rock star fantasies.
Yeah, sure, fine, I'll do it.
But I will fuck this up on my own
before I listen to motivational speeches
by three drunk trolls and a goddamn pageant banshee.
Get in the car, boys! The Joe Force Shit Show Comeback Tour begins.
What money is he talkin' about?
_
Barry Cross,
get your ass out here!
Red cross alert. We have a problem.
Woo!
What the hell is he doing?
? Where have all the good men gone ?
? And where are all the gods ?
? Where's the streetwise Hercules ?
? To fight the rising odds ?
? Isn't there a white knight ?
- ? Upon a fiery steed ? - No, no dancing out here.
- No, no, stop dancing. - ? Late at night I toss and I turn ?
? And I dream of what I need ?
- ? I need a hero... ? - Aww!
Ugh.
You guys had fun out here today?
It's gonna be like this everyday at Fitness By Force,
so come on down and rock with us.
- Everyone is welcome. - Uh, yeah, no.
Nobody's gonna join your egalitarian gym. Gross!
Imagine the showers.
They will join my gym, and we will beat you
- in the aerobics finals. - Ooh!
You're saying your gym can beat my gym?
Ooh!
- It's time for a rematch. - Oh!
I got the gym, the girl,
and the body of a Greek god.
- Ooh! - Well, I got my gym,
my band, and...
Me!
My mom.
Yeah!
Rock on!
You're a nobody!
- Can't hear you. - I'm gonna make sure that everybody
knows you're a nobody again.
? I need a hero ?
? I'm holding on for a hero til the end of the night ?
? And he's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast ?
? And he's gotta be prepped for the fight ?
? I need a hero ?
? I'm holding out for a hero til the morning light ?
Woo!
? I need a hero ?
Oh...
That usually gets applause.
Oh.
Take a good look, Barry.
You may have the brains,
but my son has the balls.
On the next "Let's Get Physical"...
I will never forgive you for sleeping with my band.
Don't cut me. I've wanted this my whole life.
We just started the team last night.
Bingo, a crying girl. My specialty.
How can you be sweating just standing there?
Wearin' a jean jacket.
Lookin' for dancers.
That's how we win Dad's money.
Trust, teamwork, and a whole lot of flair.
Sync & corrections by PetaG - www.addic7ed.com -