I can't believe this turnout.
We have a hit on our hands.
I predicted this. I told you I had a special dog.
You had a special editor.
Liza rewrote every page of this book.
Gave it a point of view. Wit. Irony.
I know. I know.
We did our job too well.
This was supposed to die a quiet death
I know.
Hey, Amazon just sold out of stock.
- What? - Oh, and Zane just tweeted.
- Ouch. I thought he liked you. - No, he does.
He's flirt-fighting. My move. I gotta bite back hard.
Uh, why is Pearl's lipstick out?
Wait, why does Pearl even have a lipstick? Emily?
This is Pearl II. Gary.
Pearl's son. And lover too, but that's dogs.
He just peed off his dog merkin again.
Put on the backup.
It's Velcro, but really get in there and rub hard.
Oh, no, no, no.
You gotta... you gotta do that.
Hello.
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -
Congratulations!
Your Labradoodle book is starting a trend.
We've been getting submissions all morning.
Deep thoughts from puppies. Kittens. Weasels.
I have three horses, a gecko, and two hamsters here.
I had a hamster once when I was a child.
Sad story. Apparently you can't blow-dry them on High.
Well, ladies, you've strapped yourselves to a bomb.
Might as well enjoy the ride.
Still hard to believe this is a Millennial title.
A novelty book about a dog philosopher.
Kelsey did not want to publish it. I made her.
That is going to save our company.
What?
How is it gonna save our company?
We're half a million apart on LL Moore's new contract.
These sales might help bridge the gap.
We are happy to go slightly off-brand for one book
if it's gonna help Empirical.
Nothing we can't walk back with our next book.
Walk back? Run towards it!
Apparently young people want to read about
what their pets are thinking.
So let's scratch that itch.
Okay. Got through almost half the animal kingdom, so...
Ugh, Richard. Who says "I love you" in a text?
What am I supposed to say back to that?
"I know. Thank you."
That's an option.
It doesn't cost anything to be polite, Liza.
Your generation could learn that.
That reminds me: I have to get Charles a birthday present.
He always says mine are his favorite.
Not out loud, but there's such a thing as subtext.
Okay, Charles, birthday. Any ideas?
Uh, just one.
Have my assistant do it.
Be in my office at noon, and I want choices.
I thought we were going to dinner.
This is me post-Max, okay?
I'm single again and oozing sex.
I'm not gonna waste that on a gay waiter.
I'm back, ladies! Yes! You're welcome!
Come on, Maggie.
You need this too, all right? We'll wing-woman each other.
Ugh, Kelsey's got a Twitter feud going on
with this hot editor from Rivington.
Let's see: "Millennial Scoops Up Steaming Hot Property."
Oh? Ew.
- Is that... - Yeah. Yep. That's dog shit.
Uh-huh, not even the emoji. Okay, the real thing.
Oh, my God. Twitter feuds are so lame.
Just go straight to the hate sex, kiddies.
Less thumbing, more fingering.
Girl, someone's looking at you.
I'm sorry, really? Where.
- Over there. - Is she cute?
Ooh, I can't tell. Okay. She's coming, she's coming.
Look straight, Maggie. Help me out.
- How do I do that? - Just look straight.
Are you... are you Maggie Amato?
Yeah.
I saw "The New York Times" article about you last week.
I love your work.
That was crazy, but thank you, thank you.
Good crazy.
I'm sorry. I'm Donna Malone.
I have a gallery on Clinton street. Studio 29.
Oh, yeah, I saw the Tala Madani show there.
Great space, yeah.
I can't believe we've never met.
Maybe I could drop by your studio?
- See your work sometime? - Any time.
- Great. - Yeah.
I'm with some friends and we're about to leave,
but if I give you my card,
would you promise to call me or text me?
Absolutely.
Uh, you got a little something right here.
- Oh, is it... no? - No, no, no sorry.
Well, you know, it was really great meeting you.
Yeah.
I'm free tomorrow night, by the way.
Okay. She was very, very into you.
You coulda fried an egg on that cooch.
Did she... did she have a mustache?
I don't know, wasn't on her tits.
Honestly, that's all I was looking at.
Wow!
These two really hate each other.
I was hoping you were the pizza guy.
Right. Like you eat pizza.
And, yes, I see your abs. You can breathe out now.
I'm up 250 followers today.
Ha! I'm up 330. I'm winning.
Not really. I'm upping your stock, not the other way around.
I see what I'm upping.
Unless that's for the pizza guy.
I wish I could have been there,
but no one wants a mom on a class trip.
Anyway, you live here.
You can go to The Whitney any day of the week.
But I'm beat.
I can't wait to get on that train and sleep.
You do look pale.
Are you done with the antibiotics?
You took the whole bottle, right?
You're totally Mom-ing out on me.
Well, you had your appendix out.
That's a major surgery.
I'm not the walking wounded; you are.
And you're just avoiding the topic... the breakup, Josh.
- Are you okay? - Yes.
We're good. I see him around.
Was it the age thing?
- Pretty much. - Figured.
It's too bad. I liked him.
So did I. But we're friends.
So now you get to be the older, wiser maternal figure
who listens to his problems with his new girlfriends.
- That sucks. - What time is your train again?
Right, um, I should use the restroom here,
'cause the ones at Grand Central get too much traffic.
- I hate a warm seat. - Wait, you actually sit down?
Oh, God, I failed you as a mother.
Be right back.
And I know exactly how much chocolate cake is left.
Liza Miller, right?
Jay... Mallick. We met at Bonfire?
Right. Hi, Jay! From Macmillan. Hi.
You are embarrassed because you never called me back.
Oh, no, yes, maybe. I don't know.
You know, but I'm happy at Empirical.
I was just having a bad day that day that we met.
Hey, may I?
Um...
There.
Now I have your cell.
You know, we don't have to talk about our jobs.
Right, I look forward to that. Thanks. Bye.
Come on, Mom. Line was too long.
- I'll deal. Did you pay? - Wait, "Mom"?
That's her name for me, Mom.
Because I'm always mothering her.
Wear your scarf, eat your vegetables.
Oh, how we laugh.
Yeah.
Okay, I guess she's not going to introduce me.
- I'm the daughter. Caitlin. - Hi.
And if we don't get a move on, Mom,
I'm gonna miss my train.
- I am... confused. - Oh, geez, gosh.
Look at the time. You know, it was really nice
seeing you again, Jay.
Okay, uh, well, yeah.
Well, you know, we should talk. I'll call you.
Oh, absolutely, great, yes.
- Okay, nice to see you. - Great to meet you.
Okay, tonight at 7:00.
I'll see you then. Bye.
- Oh, God. - What happened?
I met this Macmillan editor at Bonfire who thought I was 27.
Well, he ran into me last night with Caitlin.
And now he wants to talk.
- She blew your cover? - It was my own fault.
She called me Liza once when she was 15.
I took away her phone for a week.
Wonder what he wants to talk about.
He'll tell me at dinner.
Well, I would show up with a baseball bat
if things got dicey, but I'm having
this gallery owner over tonight.
- Is it a date? - I'm not really sure.
You know, and she's definitely interested in my work,
but as far as dating goes, there's one little problem.
What is it?
I think she has a stash.
Of what?
No, no, a mustache.
Everybody's got a little peach fuzz.
This is not a peach; this is a coconut.
- Well, can you look past it? - How? It's a mustache.
- And she keeps it on her face. - You're crazy.
Besides that, you know, she's really beautiful.
Well, maybe it was just the lighting.
Yeah. Maybe.
That's cashmere.
But brown? For Charles?
It's really more Richard's color.
I'll take it back.
No, I'll bank it for Richard's birthday.
Really should find out when that is.
Oh, this is too feminine for Charles.
Richard would like it, though.
He's not afraid of his feminine side.
Which is lucky, because there's a lot of it.
What do you think of these for Richard?
You mean Charles.
No, I mean Richard.
Maybe you like him more than you think.
And maybe you should tell him.
I mean, that's what all these gifts are saying.
You're right.
It's Richard.
And if it is Richard and not Charles,
then why the hell am I still trying to get Charles' approval?
Well, he is still your boss.
I have been doing this for years now.
Look at me!
The hair, the outfit, the sparkle.
Yes, it is good for office morale.
- Absolutely. - But I have been
casting my pearls before swine.
No more! Mm-mm!
I am turning off the charm, shutting down this power plant.
And this year, he can get a goddamn cupcake
like everyone else.
Barnes & Noble sales figures.
This feud has gone national.
William Shatner just retweeted me.
- What? - Verified!
- Like, the Priceline guy. - Yeah, and also "Star Trek."
And it made Vulture. Come see this.
"Millennial Editrix Trashes New York's
"Best Dressed Editor on Twitter." Wow.
Best-dressed! Zane totally fed them this.
Yeah, but he probably didn't feed them this part.
It says it all started because Empirical stole
Lachlan Flynn from him.
Oh, he's not gonna like that, is he?
He is not going to care.
It's not fun if it doesn't hurt a little.
Really? Is that a rule?
FYI, LL Moore is giving us some pushback on our offer.
So that Labradoodle money is really coming at the right time.
- Happy to help. - And I...
- I heard about your Twitter feud. - Mm-hmm.
And I have to say, I think it's unwise,
swapping insults in public.
So I would shut that down if I were you.
But it's boosting our profile and sales.
I mean, didn't you justhelp yourself
to some of our profits for Empirical?
So I did.
Kels, Charles thinks this is getting out of hand.
Of course he does. He's old-school.
J.K. Rowling retweeted me!
That's crazy.
You know, I'd love to see this in the light.
Uh, yeah.
I keep more in storage. I have smaller ones hair.
I mean, here. Smaller ones here.
Mm, oh, and this! I mean, this is...
Just... mm!
Mm. I mean, that's amazing.
She paints, she cooks.
Mm!
Can we speak honestly?
Oh, thank God.
I love your art.
And I'm going to hang it
no matter how you feel about this.
But I'm also really interested in you.
As a person.
As a woman.
You just get right to the point, don't you?
Well, you know, I like to just jump right in there.
I like to ask a girl what she likes,
and you know, if I like it too, well, then...
Okay, okay.
- Yeah. - I'll go first.
I love romance.
Kissing, cuddling.
Bubble baths. I love bathing together.
Hey. Do you have a bathtub?
- I do. - Mm, warm water.
Lights out, just like a dozen candles.
How 'bout two?
Or one.
- All right. - Yeah.
So yeah, 41. Class of '96.
Well, here's to you.
Don't congratulate me. It was a mistake.
People find out and then it's... leverage.
- What do you mean? - I've been pressured before.
Blackmailed.
Oh, my God. What kind of crowd are you running with?
Oh, publishing, right, yeah.
All right, well, look, I won't tell anyone.
- As long as I... - Nothing. No.
You don't even have to be nice to me, all right?
You can get up, throw a glass of wine in my face and leave,
and I will not tell a soul.
I'll eat your entre, but I will keep your secret.
Hey, look. I'm one of the good guys.
In fact, the only thing bad about me
is that I walk around saying things like,
"I'm one of the good guys." I'm sorry.
Well, thank you.
I gotta be honest, it's been a strain.
A part of me just wants to tell everybody and end the suspense.
No, no, no, no, no, don't do that.
Especially don't tell your bosses.
It'll be a scandal. Look, keep your secret.
And if you ever wanna talk to somebody who grew up
watching the same TV shows as you did, call me.
- "Who's the Boss." - Mm-hmm.
I had a Danza thing. Not entirely gone.
Yeah, "Miami Vice." Every episode.
Wore a pink blazer in junior high.
What?
Oh, I, um, I just remembered who else went to Princeton.
My boss.
Oh, right, yeah. Charles Brooks.
"Upchuck" we used to call him
'cause he couldn't hold his booze.
Seriously? You were in school together?
Yeah, we were in the eating club.
- Charles! - What are you doing?
This'll be good. Watch.
Can you give me one second?
Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Jay. - What's up, Upchuck?
- Nice to see you. - Nice to see you.
- Liza. - Hi.
- Liza and I met at Bonfire.
You know, Millennial is creating
a lot of good buzz for Empirical.
Uh, yeah, yeah, her team is doing great things.
- Proud of them. - Fostering young talent.
Proud of you. Congratulations.
And by the way, she's not consorting with the enemy,
if that's what you were thinking.
This is strictly social. Business has not even come up.
Okay.
I would ask you to stay, but...
No, no, that's fine.
I'm meeting Bill Merriman from Penguin.
Ah. Great.
- Good to see you. - Enjoy your evening.
Good to see you. Enjoy your evening.
All right.
Liza.
Now, last time he saw me,
I was dating a much younger woman.
This confirms your story.
See, I'm good for you.
Now "Who's the Boss."
Remind me, is that the one
with the employee/boss love story?
Yeah. Yeah, something like that.
Tony Danza. One of our finest American actors.
"Golden Girls."
Oh, isn't this nice?
I feel so warm and fuzzy.
I'm not surprised. I mean, me too.
Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
Uh-huh. Plus a little something extra.
Can I ask you to do something kind of intimate?
Considering where your foot is,
I pretty sure we're past that.
Will you... shave me?
Ohh.
I have literally not thought of anything else
since the moment we met.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Wait, wait. What are you doing?
I'm shaving you.
I meant my pussy!
That was great, just so you know.
I do know. I was there.
Were you?
This is time stamped two minutes ago.
How are you DM'ing me while we were actually having sex?
I had a hand free. Remember?
Okay, that's it.
Let's talk. Or not talk. I don't care.
But I'm sleeping with you tonight and not your phone.
I'll get us some more wine
and I'll leave these in the kitchen.
_
You know what?
I think we should actually stop the Twitter feud.
My boss isn't crazy about it,
and I kinda owe him everything.
Fine.
Actually, this is the perfect time for a truce.
We're even.
Hey, happy birthday.
Thanks. Not a big birthday guy.
I, uh, I should have sent a cake or something
over to your table last night.
Jay Mallick, huh?
He's a nice guy.
Never married.
Likes cats. He's a cat guy.
News alert from Publishers Lunch:
LL Moore just signed with Rivington!
What?
Rivington just stole LL Moore!
How did that happen?!
Is this because of your feud with that Rivington editor?
Well, it's not a real feud, it's...
No, he's my friend. Zane is my friend.
We're more than friends. We're dating.
He would never do that.
Oh, pillow talk. It can bring down empires.
Once at Harper Collins, I was...
Did you let any proprietary information slip?
- Our latest offer? - No. No.
He didn't have access to your phone? Your iPad?
No? Yes?
This is bad, Kelsey.
Disappointing.
And bad.
For all of us.
Poor Charles.
On his birthday too.
Really, Kelsey?
Zane, are you kidding me?
I could lose my job.
This is not a game. This is my life.
Oh, never mind. Don't call me.
Kelsey, if he did this to you, he is not worth crying over.
I-I'm crying over my job.
Did you see Charles? He's gonna fire me.
And even if he doesn't, he's never gonna trust me again!
Yes, he will. He cares about you.
And this is how I repay him, by taking my eye off the ball,
by getting swept up in some stupid...
_
God, leave me alone.
Liza, I'm sorry. You too.
- I need a moment, okay? - Okay.
How could you accuse her like that?
- This isnother fault. - You sure of that? She isn't.
Charles, she is in there crying.
She's afraid you're gonna fire her!
Good. Then she won't be surprised if it happens.
What am I supposed to do, Liza?
You of all people know how important
LL Moore is to this company.
- People are important too. - Yeah, exactly.
And I've got 75 people out there
whose jobs I suddenly can't guarantee
because of her carelessness!
This is not like you to be so angry
- before you know the facts. - You're right.
You're right. You're right. I don't know anything.
I don't know how I'm going to replace our biggest earner!
I don't know how I'm going to make payroll next month!
And I don't know why you're dating
a 40-something guy in publishing who isn't me!
? Happy birthday to you ?
? Happy birthday, dear Charles ?
? Happy birthday to you ?
Blow, Charles.
Or I will.
Yes!
? You will come for me ?
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -