1 00:00:01,014 --> 00:00:02,052 _ 2 00:00:02,077 --> 00:00:03,830 Phil, thank you so much for helping, 3 00:00:03,855 --> 00:00:06,268 especially after Jay was so rude to you last night. 4 00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:09,063 I wanted to start a new family tradition. 5 00:00:09,098 --> 00:00:10,593 In a way, I succeeded. 6 00:00:10,628 --> 00:00:13,388 We now have Phil Un-appreciation Day. 7 00:00:13,423 --> 00:00:16,164 - Hear ye, hear ye! - Nope. 8 00:00:16,199 --> 00:00:20,805 I hereby declare the opening of the first annual Dunphy Games. 9 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,814 - Hard pass. - Tests of strength, games of chance... 10 00:00:24,849 --> 00:00:27,768 with the champion receiving the coveted Dunphy chalice 11 00:00:27,803 --> 00:00:30,516 and this gift card to Yogurtland. 12 00:00:30,610 --> 00:00:32,090 Phil, it's not going to happen. 13 00:00:32,118 --> 00:00:34,318 Your dissent has been noted, town elder, 14 00:00:34,387 --> 00:00:36,253 but perhaps those who've seen fewer winters 15 00:00:36,322 --> 00:00:37,521 should cast a vote. 16 00:00:40,393 --> 00:00:44,365 Who dares accept the challenge of a noodle-joust? 17 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:45,579 No sale, Dad. 18 00:00:45,614 --> 00:00:47,810 Oh, well. Nice try, Son. 19 00:00:47,845 --> 00:00:50,472 I'll probably just drive back to Florida, then. 20 00:00:50,507 --> 00:00:52,105 Great to see you guys. 21 00:00:58,962 --> 00:01:03,962 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com 22 00:01:04,404 --> 00:01:06,170 I just thought with everyone growing up, 23 00:01:06,239 --> 00:01:08,206 a new tradition might give us another excuse 24 00:01:08,274 --> 00:01:09,874 to get together every year. 25 00:01:09,943 --> 00:01:12,043 Oh, baby, we can get together today 26 00:01:12,112 --> 00:01:13,911 for Joe's soccer-team party. 27 00:01:13,980 --> 00:01:18,182 We have superheroes coming. We have the Superman, the X-Men. 28 00:01:18,251 --> 00:01:20,852 That's what Jay called my dad and me. Ex-men. 29 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:22,487 Ohh! That hurts! 30 00:01:22,555 --> 00:01:23,721 - Why, what happened? - Oh, it's nothing. 31 00:01:23,790 --> 00:01:26,858 It's probably just my stilter's hip flaring up. No, it's not. 32 00:01:26,926 --> 00:01:29,227 Oh, you don't look that good. Do you have a fever? 33 00:01:29,295 --> 00:01:32,230 I don't know. I can't tell. 34 00:01:32,298 --> 00:01:34,699 Ay, no, you're burning up! 35 00:01:34,768 --> 00:01:37,502 Hi, I ordered your Ultra-Soft Gel-Heel Socks, 36 00:01:37,570 --> 00:01:39,604 and they are both marked "L." 37 00:01:39,672 --> 00:01:40,872 And "L" is for... 38 00:01:40,940 --> 00:01:43,241 "L" is for large. Hilarious. 39 00:01:43,309 --> 00:01:45,276 I'm thinking I've been wearing two left socks. 40 00:01:45,345 --> 00:01:46,711 I am adorable. 41 00:01:46,780 --> 00:01:48,946 Can you hang on a second? 42 00:01:49,015 --> 00:01:50,882 - Hello? - Claire, everything is okay, 43 00:01:50,950 --> 00:01:53,818 but I am taking Phil to the hospital. 44 00:01:53,887 --> 00:01:57,922 - He's dead! - I was just resting my eyes! 45 00:01:57,991 --> 00:01:59,757 - Oh, God! What happened?! - It's okay, honey. 46 00:01:59,826 --> 00:02:01,526 I just have a little bit of stomach pain. 47 00:02:01,594 --> 00:02:03,294 Hang in there, sweetie. I'll... I'm... I'm... I'm coming. 48 00:02:03,363 --> 00:02:04,395 I'll be... I'll be... I'll be there. 49 00:02:05,799 --> 00:02:07,098 Really, Schwartzy? 50 00:02:07,167 --> 00:02:08,499 Calling me while I'm putting? 51 00:02:08,568 --> 00:02:11,002 It's bush-league moves like that why your wife left you, 52 00:02:11,071 --> 00:02:13,271 why we still play poker and never invite you, why we... 53 00:02:13,339 --> 00:02:15,606 Oh, it's Gloria. 54 00:02:15,675 --> 00:02:17,975 Jay, pick up Joe and meet me at the hospital! 55 00:02:18,044 --> 00:02:19,377 What happened? Is it Stella?! 56 00:02:19,446 --> 00:02:20,845 No, it's Phil! 57 00:02:20,914 --> 00:02:22,613 Wait a minute, I'm... I'm getting another call. 58 00:02:22,682 --> 00:02:23,748 - Dad... - I heard. 59 00:02:23,817 --> 00:02:25,817 Okay, Haley and Luke are working at the club. 60 00:02:25,885 --> 00:02:27,985 Can you grab them and meet me at the hospital? 61 00:02:28,054 --> 00:02:29,220 Sure thing. Sorry, guys. 62 00:02:29,289 --> 00:02:30,855 Emergency, I gotta take the cart. 63 00:02:30,924 --> 00:02:33,257 - What?! - The clubhouse is 50 yards away. 64 00:02:33,326 --> 00:02:36,661 Walk the first 25, make camp, and then tackle the rest in the morning. 65 00:02:36,729 --> 00:02:39,197 Forget about Joe, I'll have Mitch and Cam bring him. 66 00:02:39,265 --> 00:02:41,332 Phil, how's the pain? On a scale of one to... 67 00:02:41,401 --> 00:02:42,600 Bo Derek! 68 00:02:42,669 --> 00:02:43,801 10. Got it. 69 00:02:43,870 --> 00:02:46,337 Boy, they did not get that score wrong, huh? 70 00:02:48,141 --> 00:02:49,240 - Good. - Yeah. 71 00:02:49,309 --> 00:02:51,476 Okay, it's good, but is it wow? 72 00:02:51,544 --> 00:02:53,211 We're inviting eight people over for brunch 73 00:02:53,279 --> 00:02:56,013 with an invitation that reads, "Friends, Romans, Hungreymen"... 74 00:02:56,082 --> 00:02:57,482 they're gonna say wow. 75 00:02:57,550 --> 00:02:59,383 Hey, Gloria. 76 00:02:59,452 --> 00:03:01,419 I am taking Phil to the hospital! 77 00:03:01,488 --> 00:03:03,621 What? They're taking Phil to the hospital. 78 00:03:03,690 --> 00:03:05,189 It's just a stomach issue. 79 00:03:05,258 --> 00:03:08,526 Please pick up Joe at soccer and meet us over there. 80 00:03:08,595 --> 00:03:10,061 Of course. Oh, but what about Lily? 81 00:03:11,898 --> 00:03:13,931 What is that? A harp? 82 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,533 No! Dios mí­o, no! 83 00:03:15,602 --> 00:03:17,401 The angels are coming down. 84 00:03:17,470 --> 00:03:20,138 You cannot have him yet! 85 00:03:21,574 --> 00:03:22,840 Hello? 86 00:03:22,909 --> 00:03:25,510 Haley, would you mind picking up Lily from City Kidz gym? 87 00:03:25,578 --> 00:03:26,844 I don't have a car. 88 00:03:26,913 --> 00:03:28,746 Alex said she's on a date, but she can grab Lily. 89 00:03:28,815 --> 00:03:30,781 Oh, crap. We don't have time for this valet stuff. 90 00:03:30,850 --> 00:03:31,883 I'm going rogue. 91 00:03:31,951 --> 00:03:33,384 Luke, this thing's not fast enough. 92 00:03:33,453 --> 00:03:35,153 Grab a nine-iron, try to hook a bumper. 93 00:03:35,221 --> 00:03:36,487 Aah! 94 00:03:36,556 --> 00:03:39,223 Hey, Uncle Mitchell, I'm kinda busy right now. 95 00:03:39,292 --> 00:03:41,292 He is? I'm on my way. 96 00:03:42,562 --> 00:03:45,496 Sorry, boys, gotta cut it short today. 97 00:03:45,565 --> 00:03:47,165 Hurry, hurry! Take him! 98 00:03:51,738 --> 00:03:54,071 If Phil dies, would Claire get a new husband? 99 00:03:54,140 --> 00:03:55,540 Okay, he's not gonna die, bud. 100 00:03:55,608 --> 00:03:57,375 But to answer your question, yes, probably. 101 00:03:57,443 --> 00:03:58,609 You have to move on with life. 102 00:03:58,678 --> 00:03:59,744 Wow. 103 00:03:59,812 --> 00:04:00,845 Wait for us. 104 00:04:00,914 --> 00:04:03,214 Comin' in hot! Comin' in hot! 105 00:04:04,684 --> 00:04:06,117 You're just gonna park that right there? 106 00:04:06,186 --> 00:04:08,819 I did the closets for head of surgery here. I'm untouchable. 107 00:04:08,888 --> 00:04:10,588 Phil, honey, how are you? 108 00:04:10,657 --> 00:04:12,523 - Oh, back in the hospital. - Oh. 109 00:04:12,592 --> 00:04:15,459 But better because of Elsie and her friend IV. 110 00:04:15,528 --> 00:04:16,794 Oh. 111 00:04:16,863 --> 00:04:19,063 If it's okay, I invited IV to come live with us. 112 00:04:19,132 --> 00:04:20,231 Uh-huh. 113 00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:21,399 Well, I brought you something 114 00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:23,968 that's gonna make you feel so much better. 115 00:04:24,037 --> 00:04:26,604 Oh, Surgery Bear. 116 00:04:26,635 --> 00:04:29,703 Our first year dating, we went to a carnival. 117 00:04:29,755 --> 00:04:30,988 At the milk-can toss, 118 00:04:31,057 --> 00:04:33,190 there was a bear that Claire really liked. 119 00:04:33,259 --> 00:04:36,227 I spent all night trying to win it, but I just couldn't. 120 00:04:36,295 --> 00:04:39,496 Came back the next night and the carnival had left town. 121 00:04:39,565 --> 00:04:41,665 So, I drove to Fresno, failed again. 122 00:04:41,734 --> 00:04:43,133 Sacramento, no dice. 123 00:04:43,202 --> 00:04:46,103 Six weeks later, in Carson City, Nevada, it happened. 124 00:04:46,172 --> 00:04:47,571 Yeah. 125 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:49,773 When I handed it to her and saw the smile on her face, 126 00:04:49,842 --> 00:04:51,675 I proposed to her on the spot. 127 00:04:53,045 --> 00:04:54,912 Anyhoo, it's come with me 128 00:04:54,981 --> 00:04:57,314 to every visit in the hospital since for good luck. 129 00:04:57,383 --> 00:04:59,450 And I was so worried about forgetting it 130 00:04:59,518 --> 00:05:00,684 that guess what I did? 131 00:05:00,753 --> 00:05:01,952 Remembered it? 132 00:05:02,021 --> 00:05:04,488 Well, I brought you your nice, comfy neck pillow, 133 00:05:04,557 --> 00:05:06,824 and I'm gonna run right home and get you Surgery Bear, okay? 134 00:05:06,893 --> 00:05:07,898 - Okay. - Okay. 135 00:05:07,927 --> 00:05:09,693 - Dad! - Hi. Oh, honey. 136 00:05:09,762 --> 00:05:11,328 - Yeah? - Just in case, 137 00:05:11,397 --> 00:05:13,898 I made one of my goodbye videos for you and the kids. 138 00:05:13,966 --> 00:05:15,833 I posted it in the usual spot. 139 00:05:15,902 --> 00:05:17,501 - Okay. - Goodbye videos? 140 00:05:17,570 --> 00:05:20,471 It's nothing, don't worry about it. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. 141 00:05:20,539 --> 00:05:21,705 - Hey, Phil. - Hi. 142 00:05:21,774 --> 00:05:22,907 How you feeling? 143 00:05:22,975 --> 00:05:25,276 Did you tell them about the long pants? 144 00:05:25,344 --> 00:05:27,511 Oh, yeah, they had to cut me out of them 145 00:05:27,580 --> 00:05:29,513 when th... when they got tangled up 146 00:05:29,582 --> 00:05:31,148 in the spokes of the wheelchair! 147 00:05:31,217 --> 00:05:33,117 Well, they gave him the good stuff. 148 00:05:33,185 --> 00:05:34,652 Well, glad you got to wish him well. 149 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,087 We have to get this guy prepped for his gallbladder surgery. 150 00:05:37,156 --> 00:05:39,156 That means they're gonna shave me. 151 00:05:39,225 --> 00:05:41,492 Should we be worried that those could be his last words? 152 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:42,760 I got this. Phil, we love you. 153 00:05:42,828 --> 00:05:44,762 I love you, too. 154 00:05:44,830 --> 00:05:46,530 They're gonna shave me. 155 00:05:46,599 --> 00:05:47,698 Well, we tried. 156 00:05:48,838 --> 00:05:50,938 So you're sure Phil's gonna be okay? 157 00:05:51,006 --> 00:05:54,240 Absolutely, Papi, Phil is not gonna die in a long, long time. 158 00:05:54,309 --> 00:05:55,475 Am I going to die? 159 00:05:55,544 --> 00:05:57,710 Well, Joe, it's a natural thing that we... 160 00:05:57,745 --> 00:05:58,978 Bup, bup, bup. 161 00:05:59,047 --> 00:06:01,347 This is not a topic you tend to handle gently. 162 00:06:01,416 --> 00:06:03,049 It's not your fault, 163 00:06:03,117 --> 00:06:06,892 but many people in your orbit met with ugly ends. I'll handle this. 164 00:06:06,927 --> 00:06:09,569 Fine. I have to pick up the party cake. 165 00:06:09,604 --> 00:06:11,660 It's shaped like a soccer ball. 166 00:06:11,695 --> 00:06:13,726 You sure that won't scare them? 'Cause the only thing 167 00:06:13,795 --> 00:06:15,361 I've seen them do with a soccer ball is run from it. 168 00:06:16,631 --> 00:06:19,446 Look, kid, that's a deep question, 169 00:06:19,481 --> 00:06:21,314 "Will I die some day?" 170 00:06:21,349 --> 00:06:25,007 And I'm gonna be straight with you about it... no. 171 00:06:25,042 --> 00:06:26,819 Never? 172 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:30,171 A few years back, people would live to be around 12. 173 00:06:30,206 --> 00:06:34,002 Nowadays, what with all the science they're doing, sky's the limit. 174 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:37,774 You play your cards right, and someday you'll be 200, 175 00:06:37,809 --> 00:06:39,743 and if you learn anything from your old man, 176 00:06:39,778 --> 00:06:44,395 you'll have a gorgeous 100-year-old bride on your arm. 177 00:06:44,430 --> 00:06:49,392 Uh, there will be some squawking from women in their 180s, 178 00:06:49,427 --> 00:06:52,420 but, uh, you're a successful man 179 00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:54,871 and you've earned your happiness. 180 00:06:55,785 --> 00:06:56,970 What is a gallbladder? 181 00:06:57,039 --> 00:06:58,905 Yeah, and what's up with these organs you don't even need? 182 00:06:58,974 --> 00:07:01,708 You can lose a gallbladder, an appendix, and everything's fine. 183 00:07:01,777 --> 00:07:04,611 Yeah, kind of like husbands. You lose one, you just get another. 184 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,446 That is what you said earlier. 185 00:07:06,515 --> 00:07:08,849 Oh, how did I know that was gonna boomerang back on me? 186 00:07:08,917 --> 00:07:12,401 I didn't bring it up to attack you. I just wondered... 187 00:07:12,436 --> 00:07:14,221 have you ever thought about who you'd end up with 188 00:07:14,289 --> 00:07:17,855 if, you know, my show closes early? 189 00:07:17,890 --> 00:07:20,574 I would give my right gallbladder not to answer this question. 190 00:07:20,609 --> 00:07:21,832 Come on, it'll be a fun game. 191 00:07:21,867 --> 00:07:23,360 Don't you want to know who I'm thinking about? 192 00:07:23,385 --> 00:07:24,391 I guess. 193 00:07:24,460 --> 00:07:26,827 Okay, well, then, let's just say a name on three. 194 00:07:26,896 --> 00:07:28,362 - Cam. - No, come on. 195 00:07:28,431 --> 00:07:29,930 I think you'll be surprised by my choice. 196 00:07:29,999 --> 00:07:31,532 You ready? 197 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,001 One, two, three... 198 00:07:34,069 --> 00:07:36,069 - Caleb. - You're my everything. 199 00:07:36,138 --> 00:07:37,938 - Y-You... You tricked me. - Okay, who's Caleb? 200 00:07:38,007 --> 00:07:40,107 You... You met him. At... At Jotham's party. 201 00:07:40,176 --> 00:07:41,608 The... The massage therapist. 202 00:07:41,677 --> 00:07:43,310 Well, I guess he rubbed you the right way. 203 00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:44,545 Cam, oh, come on. 204 00:07:44,613 --> 00:07:46,046 I only said a name because you pressured me to. 205 00:07:46,115 --> 00:07:48,048 I've had like two conversations with him. 206 00:07:48,117 --> 00:07:50,851 Look, I-I only picked him because he reminds me of you. 207 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,754 So sweet and open and such a good balance for me. 208 00:07:53,823 --> 00:07:55,289 I-I thought he might be, too. 209 00:07:55,357 --> 00:07:57,491 Well, then, that's lovely. 210 00:07:58,327 --> 00:08:00,193 Oh, thank God. I cut the right wire. 211 00:08:00,262 --> 00:08:01,962 Okay, what is a gallbladder? 212 00:08:02,030 --> 00:08:06,399 The gallbladder is "a 4-inch pear-shaped organ that stores bile." 213 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,179 Like... Like a little bile cabinet. 214 00:08:09,349 --> 00:08:11,850 That's why people want us around. 215 00:08:14,087 --> 00:08:15,420 Uh, Caleb. 216 00:08:15,489 --> 00:08:16,688 - Hey, Mitchell. - Hey. 217 00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:18,356 Thanks for coming on such short notice. 218 00:08:18,425 --> 00:08:20,458 You can set your table up, uh, down in the TV area. 219 00:08:20,527 --> 00:08:21,559 - Sounds good. - You got it. 220 00:08:21,628 --> 00:08:23,628 What's going on? 221 00:08:23,697 --> 00:08:25,530 Uh, would you stop being so suspicious? 222 00:08:25,599 --> 00:08:28,333 You said you neck hurt from posing for our photograph... 223 00:08:28,401 --> 00:08:31,002 so I invited Caleb over to ply his trade. 224 00:08:31,071 --> 00:08:34,038 I do not think he's here to ply. I think he's here so you can pry. 225 00:08:34,107 --> 00:08:35,740 Dad's gonna be fine. 226 00:08:35,809 --> 00:08:37,242 Since we're on the subject, at my funeral, 227 00:08:37,310 --> 00:08:39,077 make sure the pallbearers say things like, 228 00:08:39,146 --> 00:08:42,647 "Wow, she's so light," and things like, "Is she even in here?" 229 00:08:42,716 --> 00:08:45,049 I don't want to be buried. I'm donating my body to science. 230 00:08:45,118 --> 00:08:46,368 Haven't you already? 231 00:08:46,403 --> 00:08:47,918 I'm putting kettle bells in your coffin. 232 00:08:48,012 --> 00:08:49,912 And make sure my cadaver goes to an Ivy League. 233 00:08:49,981 --> 00:08:52,081 I don't want some hungover freshman from Swarthmore 234 00:08:52,150 --> 00:08:53,549 getting his hands all over me. 235 00:08:53,618 --> 00:08:54,717 Mm. It's not so bad. 236 00:08:54,786 --> 00:08:56,018 I'm never gonna die. 237 00:08:56,087 --> 00:08:58,154 Science is gonna find a cure for everything. 238 00:08:58,222 --> 00:08:59,655 Grandpa told me that. 239 00:08:59,724 --> 00:09:03,058 Quick, kids, hey, listen, Surgery Bear is not upstairs. Any ideas? 240 00:09:03,127 --> 00:09:05,428 Oh, right, Dad gave it to Joe when he got his tonsils taken out. 241 00:09:05,496 --> 00:09:07,897 You could've told me that before I looked through Luke's drawers. 242 00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:10,332 - Which drawer?! - We'll get into that later. 243 00:09:13,337 --> 00:09:14,703 Come on! 244 00:09:14,772 --> 00:09:16,238 Damn it. 245 00:09:17,475 --> 00:09:19,675 Hey, honey, did you find Surgery Bear? 246 00:09:19,780 --> 00:09:21,480 Uh... yeah, sure did. 247 00:09:21,549 --> 00:09:25,251 He's... He's right here with his beautiful blue eyes. 248 00:09:25,319 --> 00:09:26,485 I always considered them hazel, 249 00:09:26,554 --> 00:09:28,187 but who could tell underneath those sunglasses? 250 00:09:28,256 --> 00:09:30,456 Sunglasses. Right. 251 00:09:30,524 --> 00:09:31,857 Um... 252 00:09:31,926 --> 00:09:34,727 why don't you tell me what your favorite thing is 253 00:09:34,795 --> 00:09:35,995 about Surgery Bear? 254 00:09:36,063 --> 00:09:39,164 Well, as you know, he's the polar... 255 00:09:40,735 --> 00:09:42,522 ...opposite of me. 256 00:09:42,557 --> 00:09:43,635 I mean, I hate surfing. 257 00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:47,471 But it makes sense that a fireman would love it. 258 00:09:47,539 --> 00:09:49,507 Yes, of course. 259 00:09:49,536 --> 00:09:51,976 In my mind, he's a volunteer fireman during the summer 260 00:09:52,044 --> 00:09:53,977 because professors have those off. 261 00:09:54,046 --> 00:09:55,591 Professors have... Yes. 262 00:09:55,625 --> 00:09:56,681 Oh, gotta run, honey. 263 00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:58,756 Elsie's here to give me another shot for the pain. 264 00:09:58,791 --> 00:10:02,064 Don't be stingy, Elsie. Last time, it took forever to fee... 265 00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:08,255 Oh, thank God you're here. 266 00:10:08,323 --> 00:10:09,489 Which one of these is Surgery Bear? 267 00:10:09,558 --> 00:10:12,559 Neither one. I gave him to Manny when he went to college. 268 00:10:12,628 --> 00:10:13,660 Ugh! 269 00:10:20,235 --> 00:10:22,869 Was that Claire? 270 00:10:22,938 --> 00:10:25,205 I don't know, but we've given out too many keys. 271 00:10:25,274 --> 00:10:27,207 Look out below! 272 00:10:27,276 --> 00:10:29,342 What are you doing there?! You're gonna kill yourself! 273 00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:32,546 No, I won't. Dad said I'm gonna live forever. 274 00:10:32,614 --> 00:10:33,713 Come down here. 275 00:10:33,782 --> 00:10:35,682 Is that what you told him? Are you crazy? 276 00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:37,701 I didn't want to steal the kid's innocence. 277 00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:41,171 Joe, I know what your father said, but forget it. 278 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,973 You can die from that. 279 00:10:43,042 --> 00:10:44,108 Really? 280 00:10:44,176 --> 00:10:47,478 Yes. People die all the time. That's why you have to be careful. 281 00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:50,247 Everyone dies. You can choke 282 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:53,484 or something very heavy can fall on top of your head. 283 00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:56,586 One time, I heard there was a little kid that exploded. 284 00:10:56,777 --> 00:11:00,345 The nuns said that it was because of unclean thoughts. 285 00:11:00,414 --> 00:11:02,014 Do you get all this? 286 00:11:02,083 --> 00:11:04,049 Yes, Mommy. 287 00:11:04,118 --> 00:11:06,018 Those are your friends. Go welcome them. 288 00:11:06,087 --> 00:11:07,553 Hi, Joe. I brought cupcakes. 289 00:11:07,621 --> 00:11:10,422 What's the point? 290 00:11:10,491 --> 00:11:12,691 - You okay with the pressure? - If you looked under this table, 291 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,660 you'll see I'm drooling like a trumpeter. 292 00:11:14,728 --> 00:11:16,261 Hey, sorry to interrupt. 293 00:11:16,330 --> 00:11:18,263 Made some hot tea and some homemade cookies. 294 00:11:18,332 --> 00:11:20,566 I'm suddenly feeling some tension in your shoulder here, Mitchell. 295 00:11:20,634 --> 00:11:22,634 Do you cook, like I do, Caleb, or...? 296 00:11:22,703 --> 00:11:24,603 Oh, no. Not as much as I used to. 297 00:11:24,672 --> 00:11:28,540 Oh, yeah, well, nothin' says lovin' like a home-cooked meal. 298 00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:30,245 I know. 299 00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:32,681 I had my own restaurant for 15 years. 300 00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:34,950 Oh, but it failed and you lost everything? 301 00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:36,618 No, I had to walk away. 302 00:11:36,687 --> 00:11:38,453 It's such a stressful life. 303 00:11:38,522 --> 00:11:41,056 But I do miss having someone to cook for. 304 00:11:41,125 --> 00:11:43,058 Cam, maybe you want to get into these topics 305 00:11:43,127 --> 00:11:44,626 with Caleb during your massage? 306 00:11:44,695 --> 00:11:47,062 Oh, yeah, okay. I'll leave you guys. 307 00:11:47,131 --> 00:11:50,198 And the knots are melting away. 308 00:11:50,267 --> 00:11:52,401 - You know, I'm a drummer. - Big one coming back here now. 309 00:11:52,469 --> 00:11:54,336 Are you musical in any way, Caleb? 310 00:11:54,407 --> 00:11:56,507 Yeah, I was actually in a band once. 311 00:11:56,576 --> 00:11:59,377 Oh. But it failed and you lost everything? 312 00:11:59,446 --> 00:12:01,779 Uh, no. We actually toured Europe for a couple years. 313 00:12:01,848 --> 00:12:03,548 Bought me a house and a cabin in Hawaii. 314 00:12:03,616 --> 00:12:06,017 When you say Hawaii, you mean the big island of Ha-va-ee? 315 00:12:06,086 --> 00:12:07,151 I'm sorry, Caleb. 316 00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:08,920 I just remembered I need to talk to Cameron 317 00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:10,621 about the recycling bin. 318 00:12:10,690 --> 00:12:12,656 Would you excuse us? 319 00:12:12,896 --> 00:12:16,431 - Sure. - Thanks. 320 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:17,699 You're acting crazy. 321 00:12:17,768 --> 00:12:19,000 Okay, you know what? 322 00:12:19,069 --> 00:12:21,536 I have some health issues on my mind, Mitchell, 323 00:12:21,605 --> 00:12:23,438 and I was simply evaluating the man 324 00:12:23,507 --> 00:12:26,207 who might become Lily's stepfather someday. 325 00:12:26,276 --> 00:12:28,076 Cam, your... your health is fine. 326 00:12:28,145 --> 00:12:29,944 You don't know that. Phil probably thought the same thing 327 00:12:30,012 --> 00:12:31,012 when he woke up this morning. 328 00:12:31,021 --> 00:12:32,046 - Okay. - Things lurk. 329 00:12:32,115 --> 00:12:33,281 Okay, so that's what this is? 330 00:12:33,350 --> 00:12:36,818 You... Seeing Phil flipped you out, but nothing is lurking. 331 00:12:36,887 --> 00:12:39,287 Okay. Maybe I'm being crazy. 332 00:12:39,356 --> 00:12:41,990 How about if I send him home... 333 00:12:42,058 --> 00:12:45,126 and finish this little massage myself? 334 00:12:45,195 --> 00:12:47,796 Hey! Uh, everything okay with the recycling bins? 335 00:12:47,864 --> 00:12:49,364 What? Oh. Oh. The excuse. 336 00:12:49,432 --> 00:12:51,499 Y-Y-Yes, and listen, about earlier, um, 337 00:12:51,568 --> 00:12:54,569 Mitchell has a little crush on you and I was being weird, 338 00:12:54,638 --> 00:12:56,070 but we're all good now, so... 339 00:12:56,139 --> 00:12:58,573 No, it's actually really nice to hear. 340 00:12:58,642 --> 00:12:59,974 - I just got dumped... - Aww. 341 00:13:00,043 --> 00:13:02,544 ...so I'll take any validation I can get. 342 00:13:02,612 --> 00:13:05,046 Did he say what exactly about me he liked? 343 00:13:05,115 --> 00:13:06,714 I think how not needy you are. 344 00:13:06,783 --> 00:13:09,317 Anyway, we've put you through enough, you should go. 345 00:13:09,386 --> 00:13:10,652 I'll finish the massage. 346 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,854 Oh, absolutely not. Please, you've already paid. 347 00:13:12,923 --> 00:13:14,889 Besides, when I leave, I'm just gonna be alone 348 00:13:14,958 --> 00:13:17,158 in that apartment with the parrot that we adopted. 349 00:13:17,227 --> 00:13:19,527 Where's Silvio? Where's Silvio? 350 00:13:19,596 --> 00:13:23,164 I don't know. He left! 351 00:13:27,838 --> 00:13:29,704 Hey, I-I just had an impulse. 352 00:13:29,773 --> 00:13:31,339 Let's skip the massage. 353 00:13:31,408 --> 00:13:34,676 I'll grab some wine and you can meet me in the bedroom. 354 00:13:34,744 --> 00:13:36,578 Go on. Get in there. 355 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,106 Go away! 356 00:13:44,175 --> 00:13:47,076 You don't even know who it is. It's Claire. I need Surgery Bear. 357 00:13:47,144 --> 00:13:50,071 - Not a good time, Claire. - Oh, gotta have it, buddy. 358 00:13:50,106 --> 00:13:53,147 You know how in college, everybody goes through a rebellious phase... 359 00:13:53,152 --> 00:13:55,119 You know how one time Alex locked herself in the bathroom 360 00:13:55,187 --> 00:13:56,220 and I kicked the door down? 361 00:13:57,857 --> 00:14:00,624 That's what all the fuss is about? An earring? 362 00:14:00,693 --> 00:14:02,192 Ugh. Where's the bear? 363 00:14:02,261 --> 00:14:04,295 Closet. 364 00:14:04,363 --> 00:14:06,830 I started with an earring. No one even noticed. 365 00:14:06,899 --> 00:14:08,499 So, you might need to up your game, pal. 366 00:14:08,568 --> 00:14:10,034 Try wearing a snake around your neck 367 00:14:10,102 --> 00:14:12,169 and then act annoyed when people want to talk about it. 368 00:14:12,238 --> 00:14:13,404 Drawers? 369 00:14:13,472 --> 00:14:15,606 I went a different way. 370 00:14:15,674 --> 00:14:16,674 Uh-huh. 371 00:14:16,742 --> 00:14:18,642 Oh! Okay. 372 00:14:18,711 --> 00:14:20,578 Wow. 373 00:14:20,646 --> 00:14:25,015 Well, first of all, welcome. We do have more fun. 374 00:14:25,892 --> 00:14:27,692 I'm guessing you like it, 375 00:14:27,761 --> 00:14:29,827 but you're worried what other people will think? 376 00:14:29,896 --> 00:14:32,196 A passerby likened me to a tennis ball. 377 00:14:32,265 --> 00:14:33,464 And you can't... 378 00:14:33,533 --> 00:14:35,800 hide in here until it grows out. 379 00:14:35,869 --> 00:14:38,302 I ran the numbers. Even with inside-out wearings, 380 00:14:38,371 --> 00:14:39,637 I'd be out of underwear in three weeks. 381 00:14:39,706 --> 00:14:41,606 Yeah. 382 00:14:41,674 --> 00:14:45,643 Um, let me tell you about the happiest guy I know. 383 00:14:45,712 --> 00:14:48,379 He stretched a tightrope across his front yard. 384 00:14:48,448 --> 00:14:50,548 Didn't worry about the neighbors. 385 00:14:50,617 --> 00:14:52,850 He pogo-sticked to work, and... 386 00:14:54,220 --> 00:14:57,188 The point is, he doesn't care what anybody thinks, 387 00:14:57,257 --> 00:14:58,389 and if he did, 388 00:14:58,458 --> 00:15:01,459 he wouldn't have had half the fun he's had. 389 00:15:02,352 --> 00:15:03,361 Let me ask you again. 390 00:15:04,459 --> 00:15:06,508 How do you feel about the hair? 391 00:15:06,565 --> 00:15:08,291 - Kinda like it. - Yeah. 392 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,972 How do you feel about the fact that Jay's gonna hate it? 393 00:15:11,007 --> 00:15:12,844 I love that. 394 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,147 Thanks, Claire. 395 00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:18,525 Yeah, I'm gonna hold on just a little longer. 396 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,870 I need it today. Okay. 397 00:15:21,401 --> 00:15:23,455 Oh. Cabinet. 398 00:15:26,073 --> 00:15:27,533 Come on. 399 00:15:31,411 --> 00:15:32,605 I hate to interrupt, 400 00:15:32,674 --> 00:15:34,674 but if you just scream you'll call her back, 401 00:15:34,743 --> 00:15:37,076 you might want to see how Joe's party's going. 402 00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:42,181 Apparently, Joe shared the uplifting news 403 00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:44,917 that his friends could die at any minute. 404 00:15:48,390 --> 00:15:50,189 Hey, so, I love what I do, 405 00:15:50,258 --> 00:15:52,592 but I feed off the energy of my audience. 406 00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:53,926 And if I'm not getting a lot back, 407 00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:56,195 it's harder for me to forget I'm a 45-year-old 408 00:15:56,264 --> 00:15:58,197 classically trained actor in a body sock 409 00:15:58,266 --> 00:16:00,533 and a cape that doubles as a curtain in my van. 410 00:16:00,602 --> 00:16:02,835 So, I'm gonna go. 411 00:16:03,125 --> 00:16:04,992 Jackson, Mama's here! 412 00:16:05,061 --> 00:16:07,495 You told them they were all going to die? 413 00:16:07,563 --> 00:16:09,897 No, only Joe, but in a very nice way. 414 00:16:09,966 --> 00:16:11,966 Really? Because it looks like the "before" picture 415 00:16:12,034 --> 00:16:13,434 in an ad for chewable Prozac. 416 00:16:13,503 --> 00:16:15,636 Take us, too! 417 00:16:15,705 --> 00:16:17,271 Joe, come here. 418 00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:20,474 We need to talk again about the thing. 419 00:16:20,543 --> 00:16:22,176 I think I'm just gonna go to bed. 420 00:16:22,245 --> 00:16:25,212 Hold on. It's true we all die sometime. 421 00:16:25,281 --> 00:16:29,449 But someone like you, so young, is gonna live a long, long, long time. 422 00:16:29,484 --> 00:16:30,536 Yeah, and the thing is, 423 00:16:30,571 --> 00:16:32,386 knowing we're gonna die some day can be a good thing. 424 00:16:32,455 --> 00:16:35,376 Because it reminds us to appreciate 425 00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,061 every minute that we're around. 426 00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:39,997 It's hitting you hard, isn't it? 427 00:16:40,066 --> 00:16:42,433 It feels like I'm never going to laugh again. 428 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:43,801 But that's natural. 429 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,404 This is a pretty adult thing you're dealing with here. 430 00:16:46,472 --> 00:16:48,406 In fact, I'd be worried about you 431 00:16:48,474 --> 00:16:51,375 if you weren't walking underneath a cloud for a few days. 432 00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:52,810 - And eventually... - Hey! 433 00:16:59,779 --> 00:17:02,146 Hey. You, me, bedroom. 434 00:17:02,214 --> 00:17:04,915 I got the Syrah and I want to do something Syr-wrong. 435 00:17:04,984 --> 00:17:06,383 But what about your massage? 436 00:17:06,452 --> 00:17:10,354 I said I didn't want it. Come on. 437 00:17:10,422 --> 00:17:12,589 Mitchell, I am so happy we're doing this. 438 00:17:12,658 --> 00:17:14,725 We haven't done anything spontaneous in forever. 439 00:17:14,794 --> 00:17:16,693 I hope you like what I picked out for us. 440 00:17:16,762 --> 00:17:18,695 It is a little fruitier than we're used to. 441 00:17:18,764 --> 00:17:21,064 Ugh, what a day, huh? 442 00:17:21,133 --> 00:17:23,267 Togas and health scares... 443 00:17:23,335 --> 00:17:24,735 Mitchell, I love you, 444 00:17:24,804 --> 00:17:27,171 and I don't want Caleb to get between us. 445 00:17:27,239 --> 00:17:28,539 Oh, so, where do you want me, then? 446 00:17:28,607 --> 00:17:30,507 Wha...? Oh, my God. W-What are you doing here? 447 00:17:30,576 --> 00:17:31,942 Me? I... Cameron said that you liked me, 448 00:17:32,011 --> 00:17:33,644 and then you said meet you in the bedroom. 449 00:17:33,712 --> 00:17:35,410 You told Caleb that I liked him? 450 00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:36,446 You told him to meet you in the bedroom? 451 00:17:36,515 --> 00:17:37,948 I thought I was talking to you. 452 00:17:38,017 --> 00:17:39,716 Guys, it sounds like all three of us could really use this. 453 00:17:39,785 --> 00:17:43,487 Take it easy, Caleb. You'll have Mitchell to yourself soon enough. 454 00:17:43,556 --> 00:17:45,691 Cam, you're not dying! 455 00:17:45,726 --> 00:17:46,979 We don't know that I'm not! 456 00:17:47,014 --> 00:17:51,626 I-I had a cousin that died at my age from a genetic condition, 457 00:17:51,661 --> 00:17:53,520 and it runs on my mom's side of the family. 458 00:17:53,555 --> 00:17:55,521 And if you have those two genes, you're at risk. 459 00:17:55,556 --> 00:17:58,077 That's why I've been acting crazy all day. 460 00:17:58,112 --> 00:17:59,528 Well, then, take a test 461 00:17:59,563 --> 00:18:01,876 to make sure you don't have that pair of mom genes. 462 00:18:01,911 --> 00:18:05,477 Mitchell, I did take the test. I took it a week ago, 463 00:18:05,512 --> 00:18:07,784 and I've been too scared to look at the results. 464 00:18:07,806 --> 00:18:10,193 Oh, honey, I'm... I'm so sorry 465 00:18:10,228 --> 00:18:11,483 you've been going through this by yourself. 466 00:18:11,518 --> 00:18:13,823 Hey... Hey, let's look at the results together, okay? 467 00:18:13,858 --> 00:18:14,960 - Really? - Yeah. 468 00:18:16,785 --> 00:18:18,893 Okay, here goes. 469 00:18:19,939 --> 00:18:21,504 - Oh, thank God. - You're okay? 470 00:18:21,539 --> 00:18:24,012 No, my Etsy order shipped. But, okay, here's the... here it is. 471 00:18:24,047 --> 00:18:26,166 - You look. I cannot look at it. - Okay, okay, okay. 472 00:18:26,201 --> 00:18:27,483 It's... It's negative. 473 00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:29,045 - What? - You're fine. Look. 474 00:18:29,070 --> 00:18:30,074 - Is it? - Yeah. 475 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,781 Oh, my God! I can't believe it! 476 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,779 Oh, now, that is something to celebrate. 477 00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,277 - I love you. - I love you. 478 00:18:36,312 --> 00:18:38,885 All right, guys, I'm not... I'm not dense here. 479 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,986 I-I know this is my cue to leave. 480 00:18:42,086 --> 00:18:46,222 But what you guys have is... it's very special. 481 00:18:47,079 --> 00:18:48,735 You should cherish that. 482 00:18:49,334 --> 00:18:51,498 - Caleb... - I am so back in. 483 00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:53,968 I was gonna say, if you want to take the cookies when you leave... 484 00:18:54,036 --> 00:18:56,604 No offense, but what do you see in him? 485 00:19:01,043 --> 00:19:02,776 Oh, no. I'm in heaven. 486 00:19:02,845 --> 00:19:05,412 No. No, you're not. Not yet. You made it. 487 00:19:05,481 --> 00:19:08,249 And just so you know, Surgery Bear was here 488 00:19:08,317 --> 00:19:09,984 and scrubbed in for the whole procedure. 489 00:19:10,052 --> 00:19:13,925 That's pretty dangerous. He's a women's studies professor. 490 00:19:14,091 --> 00:19:16,859 Besides, the only thing I really needed was my neck pillow. 491 00:19:16,928 --> 00:19:18,294 What? 492 00:19:18,362 --> 00:19:19,762 I knew if you didn't have something to keep you busy, 493 00:19:19,830 --> 00:19:21,263 you'd worry all day. 494 00:19:21,332 --> 00:19:22,498 Aww, honey. 495 00:19:22,567 --> 00:19:24,733 You really do know me. 496 00:19:24,802 --> 00:19:27,703 I'm glad you woke up when you did. 497 00:19:27,772 --> 00:19:30,973 You almost slept through the second Saturday in January. 498 00:19:31,042 --> 00:19:32,975 Why would you put it like that? 499 00:19:33,044 --> 00:19:35,511 Hear ye, hear ye! 500 00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:39,014 I hereby declare the opening of the first annual Dunphy Games... 501 00:19:39,083 --> 00:19:40,382 hospital edition. 502 00:19:41,519 --> 00:19:43,219 Tests of strength... 503 00:19:44,073 --> 00:19:45,106 chance... 504 00:19:46,576 --> 00:19:48,376 - ...and cunning. - Yes! 505 00:19:48,444 --> 00:19:51,012 â(Trademark)ª 506 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:52,346 Ahh! 507 00:19:54,017 --> 00:19:55,816 Oh-ho! 508 00:19:55,885 --> 00:19:59,820 With the winner receiving the coveted Dunphy chalice. 509 00:19:59,889 --> 00:20:01,756 To our champion, Mitchell! 510 00:20:03,359 --> 00:20:04,558 Yes! 511 00:20:04,627 --> 00:20:06,394 Extinguish the torch. 512 00:20:06,462 --> 00:20:09,530 And that concludes the first Dunphy Games. 513 00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:11,866 Uh, Wi-Wi-Winter Dunphy Games. 514 00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:14,869 We'll see you all again July 9 for the Summer... 515 00:20:14,937 --> 00:20:17,104 - Take the win, Phil. - Okay. Okay. All right. 516 00:20:18,030 --> 00:20:21,038 So we discovered our dad made a series of videos through the years. 517 00:20:21,293 --> 00:20:24,247 Every time he was in danger, he made a goodbye video for us. 518 00:20:24,272 --> 00:20:28,639 It turns out he's had the same haircut for a really long time. 519 00:20:28,664 --> 00:20:31,350 Hey, kids, um, I've been trapped in this porta-potty 520 00:20:31,361 --> 00:20:33,315 for some time now, and as you can see by the... 521 00:20:33,407 --> 00:20:35,140 the curling edges of my mustache, 522 00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:37,028 the, uh, the chemical fumes are strong. 523 00:20:37,062 --> 00:20:41,250 I didn't plan to be on an airplane for Y2K, but here I am. 524 00:20:41,402 --> 00:20:45,358 A quick, loving goodbye as I am surrounded by a swarm of bears. 525 00:20:45,373 --> 00:20:47,666 If anything happens to me today, I have faith knowing 526 00:20:47,675 --> 00:20:49,352 that the three of you will always have each other. 527 00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:51,247 My fingers are numb, to the point at which 528 00:20:51,260 --> 00:20:53,012 it's hard to even keep a grip on the phone. 529 00:20:54,063 --> 00:20:55,428 No! 530 00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:58,618 Oh, no! It's happening! It's hap... 531 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:01,167 Oh, they're... they're just starting the movie. 532 00:21:01,197 --> 00:21:02,979 Oh. It's... It's "A Bug's Life." 533 00:21:03,059 --> 00:21:04,192 They're goofy. 534 00:21:04,294 --> 00:21:06,494 But it's sweet that he wanted his last words on Earth 535 00:21:06,596 --> 00:21:08,096 to be something for his family. 536 00:21:08,198 --> 00:21:09,297 Yeah. 537 00:21:09,399 --> 00:21:10,832 Also, we've reached a point in world history 538 00:21:10,934 --> 00:21:13,368 where it's become much too easy to film yourself. 539 00:21:13,470 --> 00:21:15,003 Totally. 540 00:21:15,105 --> 00:21:16,455 Wait, what? 541 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:21,480 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com