1 00:00:02,113 --> 00:00:03,346 Benji. 2 00:00:03,693 --> 00:00:05,248 Hey there. 3 00:00:05,613 --> 00:00:07,448 You've been sitting like that for five hours. 4 00:00:07,473 --> 00:00:09,373 Should we do a quick bed sore check? 5 00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:12,443 Okay, I saw your Instagram post 6 00:00:12,478 --> 00:00:16,019 of a picture of an aquarium with the #dreams, #oneday 7 00:00:16,044 --> 00:00:19,111 and should we talk about this? 8 00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:22,257 I'm manifesting my fish tank dreams on social media, okay? 9 00:00:22,281 --> 00:00:24,170 Just leave me alone, please. 10 00:00:24,844 --> 00:00:27,558 Okay... look at me. 11 00:00:27,875 --> 00:00:29,460 You're obviously depressed, okay? 12 00:00:29,495 --> 00:00:32,074 You're only eating salads, you're posting aquariums 13 00:00:32,099 --> 00:00:34,762 on Instagram, and as your unofficial legal guardian, 14 00:00:34,787 --> 00:00:37,053 I cannot in good conscience leave you here. 15 00:00:37,493 --> 00:00:38,999 Esther, those are turbo snails. 16 00:00:39,024 --> 00:00:40,186 They don't talk back. 17 00:00:40,211 --> 00:00:42,487 They clean up after themselves. They don't salad shame. 18 00:00:42,512 --> 00:00:44,733 That's what I'm looking for right now in terms of friendship. 19 00:00:44,758 --> 00:00:49,083 Okay, speaking of friendship, one quick sec. 20 00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:51,826 Happy birthday! Whoo! 21 00:00:54,143 --> 00:00:55,630 Happy birthday, Benji. 22 00:00:55,659 --> 00:00:57,525 It's your birthday! Of course I remembered. 23 00:00:57,550 --> 00:00:59,949 You thought I forgot. Look, get up. 24 00:01:00,290 --> 00:01:01,450 We gotta do something. Get up. 25 00:01:01,510 --> 00:01:04,112 - You can't just sit here. Get up. - Hey, hey, hey, hey! 26 00:01:05,117 --> 00:01:06,217 No. 27 00:01:06,242 --> 00:01:08,175 Look, man, I'm burnt out on Benihana birthdays. 28 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:09,788 They throw the shrimp at me. I can't catch it. 29 00:01:09,813 --> 00:01:11,713 I have no neck dexterity. It's tough. 30 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:14,020 No, this ain't no Benihana birthday, Benj. 31 00:01:14,084 --> 00:01:17,439 We have very special plans because I am opening up 32 00:01:17,464 --> 00:01:20,432 at a show in Berkeley and there's enough stage time 33 00:01:20,604 --> 00:01:24,374 for my friend, Benji, to come with and perform, too. 34 00:01:24,454 --> 00:01:26,588 I mean, that sounds fun 35 00:01:26,613 --> 00:01:28,420 but I lost a nug of weed in my duffle bag 36 00:01:28,445 --> 00:01:30,211 and I think a TSA dog will find it. 37 00:01:30,236 --> 00:01:32,585 We're not flying. This right here 38 00:01:32,643 --> 00:01:35,975 is a birthday road trip! 39 00:01:37,910 --> 00:01:39,439 Road trip all the way to Berkeley? 40 00:01:39,464 --> 00:01:40,645 - Yeah. - Pass. 41 00:01:40,670 --> 00:01:42,109 You can't pass on a gift, okay? 42 00:01:42,134 --> 00:01:43,525 It's gonna be so much fun. 43 00:01:43,550 --> 00:01:45,064 It's gonna be your first birthday road trip 44 00:01:45,089 --> 00:01:46,386 and my first anytime road trip. 45 00:01:46,483 --> 00:01:47,593 How have you never been on a road trip? 46 00:01:47,618 --> 00:01:49,218 Isn't that the official vacation 47 00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:50,523 of poor people from the Midwest? 48 00:01:50,548 --> 00:01:52,273 It is, but my parents always told me that they 49 00:01:52,298 --> 00:01:54,550 did all the good road trips before I was born. 50 00:01:58,441 --> 00:02:01,642 Well, I'm probably just gonna sit around all day anyways, so... 51 00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,399 might as well have the scenery change? 52 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,874 Yes! Oh, my God, it's gonna be so much fun. 53 00:02:05,902 --> 00:02:08,903 The music, the snacks, the secret scary stops. 54 00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:10,474 The punch buggy. No punch backs. 55 00:02:10,499 --> 00:02:12,332 - Did I do that right? - No. 56 00:02:12,357 --> 00:02:13,623 You're gonna have the best time 57 00:02:13,648 --> 00:02:14,817 because it's your birthday. 58 00:02:14,864 --> 00:02:16,765 And doing a comedy set on your birthday 59 00:02:16,790 --> 00:02:19,065 is the best thing ever 'cause audiences feel bad for you 60 00:02:19,090 --> 00:02:21,105 and they'll give you free laughs all night. 61 00:02:21,206 --> 00:02:23,526 Come on, I'm above cheap happy birthday laughs. 62 00:02:23,551 --> 00:02:25,432 That's the equivalent of humping a stool on stage. 63 00:02:25,457 --> 00:02:27,425 Well, I personally don't think you're above anything, 64 00:02:27,457 --> 00:02:28,505 but we could talk about that later. 65 00:02:28,530 --> 00:02:30,156 Do whatever you want. Let's go. 66 00:02:30,181 --> 00:02:32,022 - You have to drive. - Ugh. 67 00:02:32,188 --> 00:02:34,674 - What? - You always make me drive, dude. 68 00:02:34,699 --> 00:02:36,094 I know, but think about this. 69 00:02:36,155 --> 00:02:37,673 You are in control. 70 00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:40,039 You're in the literal driver's seat, all right? 71 00:02:40,450 --> 00:02:42,312 You choose if we live or die. 72 00:02:42,337 --> 00:02:43,791 Your arguments don't get more convincing 73 00:02:43,816 --> 00:02:45,331 just 'cause you don't stop talking. 74 00:02:45,447 --> 00:02:48,217 You know, we can't even stop for snacks if we're dead, 75 00:02:48,271 --> 00:02:50,504 so your position is the most important. 76 00:02:56,419 --> 00:02:57,785 Jeff, you're coming? 77 00:02:57,810 --> 00:02:59,810 Hell, yeah, man. Come on, birthday road trip. 78 00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:02,563 Oh, my God. This is so cool. 79 00:03:02,588 --> 00:03:04,230 - Right? - Yeah, it looks great. 80 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:05,840 It's probably gonna cost like 200 bucks 81 00:03:05,865 --> 00:03:08,450 to detail this out, but whatever. 82 00:03:08,531 --> 00:03:10,231 Okay, well, I won't pay that. 83 00:03:10,573 --> 00:03:12,205 So, uh, what's this gig about? 84 00:03:12,230 --> 00:03:14,246 Oh, so I'm headlining a club up there 85 00:03:14,271 --> 00:03:16,937 because I went to Berkeley and it's alumni weekend. 86 00:03:17,066 --> 00:03:19,785 I'm kind of a UC Berkeley legend. 87 00:03:19,902 --> 00:03:21,684 How can you be a legend? You dropped out. 88 00:03:21,709 --> 00:03:23,950 Excuse you! I got kicked out 89 00:03:23,975 --> 00:03:25,577 because I pooped on a plate 90 00:03:25,602 --> 00:03:27,436 and put it in the College Republicans' fridge. 91 00:03:27,497 --> 00:03:29,496 I never paid for a single beer since. 92 00:03:29,592 --> 00:03:31,893 - I like that. Respect, dude. - Thank you. 93 00:03:35,325 --> 00:03:37,300 Uh, you guys didn't pack any bags. 94 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,125 Oh, um, we pack really light. 95 00:03:40,230 --> 00:03:42,530 So, let's do this. 96 00:03:43,589 --> 00:03:45,126 I would at least bring sheets or something. 97 00:03:45,151 --> 00:03:47,817 These comedy hotel places are gross 98 00:03:47,842 --> 00:03:49,641 and everything's covered in mono. 99 00:03:49,666 --> 00:03:51,078 - Yeah. - But it's free. 100 00:03:51,170 --> 00:03:53,000 - Hey, hey, wait a second. - What's up? 101 00:03:53,136 --> 00:03:56,081 Um, why does he think we're spending the night? 102 00:03:56,379 --> 00:03:58,746 Oh, my God. I got so distracted 103 00:03:58,771 --> 00:04:00,257 by planning the perfect road trip 104 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,637 that I forgot to type up the itinerary. 105 00:04:02,662 --> 00:04:04,721 Oh, all right, but you did tell him 106 00:04:04,820 --> 00:04:06,858 that we pocketed the money from the hotel, 107 00:04:06,883 --> 00:04:08,029 we're not staying, and that we're driving 108 00:04:08,054 --> 00:04:10,021 five hours back tonight, right? 109 00:04:10,253 --> 00:04:12,099 No, I didn't, and it just seems like 110 00:04:12,124 --> 00:04:13,420 a weird time to have that conversation now. 111 00:04:13,445 --> 00:04:15,333 No, it seems like a great time to have this conversation. 112 00:04:15,358 --> 00:04:17,226 No, um, here's the thing, Jeff. 113 00:04:17,414 --> 00:04:20,120 Benji's going to have so much fun on this road trip, 114 00:04:20,145 --> 00:04:22,394 that he isn't even gonna want a hotel 115 00:04:22,419 --> 00:04:24,636 because at this point, a hotel would be 116 00:04:24,661 --> 00:04:27,328 - merely an interruption. - Huh. 117 00:04:27,944 --> 00:04:29,233 That was really convincing. 118 00:04:29,258 --> 00:04:30,878 The trick is to move your hands a lot. 119 00:04:30,903 --> 00:04:32,768 - Oh. - All right. 120 00:04:32,815 --> 00:04:35,683 - I got vertigo. - Let's do it! 121 00:04:37,254 --> 00:04:40,108 Okay, so you guys are so lucky right now. 122 00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:41,853 I have had this mix forever 123 00:04:41,878 --> 00:04:43,736 and I made it in seventh grade 124 00:04:43,806 --> 00:04:46,422 for our class field trip to our state capital... 125 00:04:46,470 --> 00:04:50,334 Springfield, and I never... Well, actually, I couldn't go 126 00:04:50,359 --> 00:04:53,460 because I have, um, I had teen onset 127 00:04:53,485 --> 00:04:54,645 parental attachment disorder. 128 00:04:54,701 --> 00:04:56,384 - Oh. - Yeah, so please, 129 00:04:56,740 --> 00:05:00,108 get ready! 130 00:05:14,312 --> 00:05:16,050 Yes, live through it. 131 00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:21,562 Okay, I'm sorry. This has to stop. This has to stop. 132 00:05:21,587 --> 00:05:22,692 I'm trying to drive. 133 00:05:22,717 --> 00:05:25,399 You guys, I'm sorry. I made this mix perfectly timed out 134 00:05:25,424 --> 00:05:27,585 so that we would get to Powell's Chicken Palace 135 00:05:27,610 --> 00:05:30,251 right on time for early dinner, which the Dutch call supper. 136 00:05:30,276 --> 00:05:31,377 I bet you didn't know this would be 137 00:05:31,402 --> 00:05:33,113 an educational road trip as well. 138 00:05:33,249 --> 00:05:35,369 I don't think that's true, but I love your confidence. 139 00:05:35,514 --> 00:05:36,985 Ooh, I've heard of Powell's. 140 00:05:37,010 --> 00:05:38,910 They're supposed to have the best chicken ever. 141 00:05:38,935 --> 00:05:41,403 I know. I planned the perfect road trip. 142 00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:45,137 Honestly, we have so many good things planned. 143 00:05:45,162 --> 00:05:47,304 We're gonna go to an ostrich farm. 144 00:05:47,330 --> 00:05:49,070 - Mm-hmm. - Which is a little bit scary 145 00:05:49,095 --> 00:05:51,644 but we'll just get a few Instagrams, and then we'll get out. 146 00:05:51,669 --> 00:05:52,830 We have Dodo's Donuts 147 00:05:52,855 --> 00:05:54,479 which is world-famous donuts... no big deal. 148 00:05:54,504 --> 00:05:56,910 Honestly, it's an embarrassment of Richards. 149 00:05:57,154 --> 00:05:58,341 Do you know what you just said? 150 00:05:58,366 --> 00:06:00,014 You just said an embarrassment of Richards. 151 00:06:00,039 --> 00:06:01,834 No, I said we have a lot of good options. 152 00:06:01,859 --> 00:06:03,725 Unh-unh, how many Richards? 153 00:06:03,750 --> 00:06:05,659 Yeah, how many Richards exactly are we talking here? 154 00:06:05,684 --> 00:06:07,288 - You guys. - Dreyfuss, Petty? 155 00:06:07,313 --> 00:06:09,668 Move on. -Well, speaking of places we should go, 156 00:06:09,693 --> 00:06:11,066 I heard about this place off the five, 157 00:06:11,091 --> 00:06:12,560 and it has a banana split 158 00:06:12,585 --> 00:06:14,208 where they use banana ice cream with it. 159 00:06:14,233 --> 00:06:15,852 It's bananas on bananas. 160 00:06:16,225 --> 00:06:18,767 I love bananas. -Look, we'll discuss it later, okay? 161 00:06:18,801 --> 00:06:21,206 Right now I actually have to pee really, really badly. 162 00:06:21,231 --> 00:06:22,441 Do you have, like, a bottle back there? 163 00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:24,166 - What do you got? - Let's just hop out 164 00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:25,765 and pop a squat like God intended. 165 00:06:26,328 --> 00:06:28,244 Fine. But let the record show 166 00:06:28,269 --> 00:06:31,236 that this don't count as one of your birthday presents. 167 00:06:32,397 --> 00:06:33,784 Careful, careful. 168 00:06:33,809 --> 00:06:35,575 These are brand-new New Balances. 169 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,114 Look, man, it's pee. It goes where it goes. 170 00:06:38,174 --> 00:06:40,626 It's totally a myth that women can't aim their pee. 171 00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:42,233 Come on. You know what I was thinking? 172 00:06:42,258 --> 00:06:44,425 Tomorrow if we leave around 10 a.m. for LA, 173 00:06:44,450 --> 00:06:47,838 we'll catch a really gnarly, sort of pollution sunset. 174 00:06:47,863 --> 00:06:49,663 Yeah, okay. 175 00:06:49,688 --> 00:06:51,350 Oh, you know what? He's peeing, you're peeing, 176 00:06:51,375 --> 00:06:52,910 I'm probably dehydrated. I need water. 177 00:06:52,935 --> 00:06:54,465 Okay. 178 00:06:55,537 --> 00:06:56,944 Come on, now, we have to tell him. 179 00:06:56,969 --> 00:06:58,124 He thinks we're spending the night. 180 00:06:58,149 --> 00:07:00,431 - I will murder you. - Come on, 181 00:07:00,456 --> 00:07:02,341 it's his birthday, for God's sakes. 182 00:07:02,385 --> 00:07:05,086 I'll poison you, and no one will know that I did it, 183 00:07:05,111 --> 00:07:07,111 and the most you can hope for is a Dateline special 184 00:07:07,136 --> 00:07:08,643 with a tips hotline at the end. 185 00:07:08,725 --> 00:07:10,671 I'm not afraid of you, Esther. I'm gonna tell him right now. 186 00:07:10,696 --> 00:07:11,788 - Then we'll see what you do. - Uh, mm-hmm. 187 00:07:11,813 --> 00:07:12,873 - Hey, guys. - Hey, what's up, dude? 188 00:07:12,898 --> 00:07:14,275 - Hey. - I just wanted to say 189 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,900 thanks for bringing me on this road trip. 190 00:07:15,925 --> 00:07:18,745 It's probably my funnest birthday ever. 191 00:07:18,895 --> 00:07:20,333 Not really a birthday person, 192 00:07:20,358 --> 00:07:22,406 - so I appreciate it. - Cool. 193 00:07:22,431 --> 00:07:24,843 - Okay, let's ride. - Hey, I'm still working... 194 00:07:24,868 --> 00:07:27,831 Come on, now. Supposed to be looking out for me. 195 00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:39,462 I'm so glad you talked me into getting the fried chicken. 196 00:07:39,487 --> 00:07:41,029 - It's so good. - Mm-hmm. 197 00:07:41,104 --> 00:07:43,742 Grilled chicken just tastes like lonely-people food, you know? 198 00:07:43,782 --> 00:07:45,486 Yeah, man. Checking this off your list 199 00:07:45,511 --> 00:07:47,477 is gonna give you a high you'll never forget. 200 00:07:47,502 --> 00:07:50,782 It's gonna carry you for weeks, no matter what happens. 201 00:07:52,094 --> 00:07:53,459 Hey. 202 00:07:53,484 --> 00:07:55,484 - Hey. - Esther, you have to try 203 00:07:55,485 --> 00:07:57,064 this chicken. It's crazy. 204 00:07:57,089 --> 00:08:00,410 Yeah, Jeffrey, can I have a quick adult chat with you? 205 00:08:00,510 --> 00:08:02,343 Um, seeing as I'm the only adult here, 206 00:08:02,379 --> 00:08:04,104 - I respectfully decline. - Mm-hmm, 207 00:08:04,156 --> 00:08:05,250 it's birthday surprise related. 208 00:08:05,275 --> 00:08:06,743 - Okay, now. - So let's go. 209 00:08:06,780 --> 00:08:08,879 -You ain't gotta put your hands on... all right. 210 00:08:10,106 --> 00:08:11,173 What? 211 00:08:11,198 --> 00:08:13,945 How could you let him eat fried chicken and drink beer? 212 00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:15,801 He was supposed to get what he always gets. 213 00:08:15,826 --> 00:08:17,154 Grilled chicken and water. 214 00:08:17,179 --> 00:08:19,317 Esther, it's his birthday, okay? 215 00:08:19,342 --> 00:08:21,301 Not dinner time at a POW camp. 216 00:08:21,326 --> 00:08:22,381 I don't see what the big deal is. 217 00:08:22,406 --> 00:08:24,207 Jeff, if there's one thing you're supposed to know about Benji, 218 00:08:24,232 --> 00:08:26,432 it's that he always needs to take a shower after he eats 219 00:08:26,457 --> 00:08:28,846 fried, greasy foods, okay? The only reason he did that 220 00:08:28,871 --> 00:08:31,529 is because he thinks we have a hotel to go shower in after. 221 00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:33,487 I don't think even Benji's that crazy. 222 00:08:33,617 --> 00:08:35,611 - See for yourself. - Okay. 223 00:08:36,586 --> 00:08:38,519 Hey, Benj, I got a great idea. 224 00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:40,695 How about after we leave this ostrich farm, 225 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,640 we go straight to the show? Does that sound cool? 226 00:08:42,671 --> 00:08:44,571 Oh, absolutely not. I have to get to the hotel 227 00:08:44,572 --> 00:08:46,612 and wash off this fried chicken, you know? 228 00:08:46,710 --> 00:08:49,044 The booze, the fried chicken. That's my thing to wash it off. 229 00:08:49,079 --> 00:08:51,045 That's right. That's your thing. 230 00:08:55,857 --> 00:08:58,122 - Jeffrey, what's going on here? - It was her, okay? 231 00:08:58,147 --> 00:08:59,697 It was her. It was her idea the whole... 232 00:08:59,722 --> 00:09:02,522 It was all Esther, and I'm like a hostage, man. 233 00:09:02,547 --> 00:09:03,673 I was scared for my life. 234 00:09:03,727 --> 00:09:05,733 Listen, I didn't want nothing to do with this. 235 00:09:05,822 --> 00:09:08,914 - Jeff, shut up. - Esther, what's going on here? 236 00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:10,975 Don't make me take away the Postmates password. 237 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,335 Benji, there is no hotel. 238 00:09:14,437 --> 00:09:16,593 What? There's no long, steamy shower before the show? 239 00:09:16,618 --> 00:09:18,578 I'm covered in a thick layer of food grease, guys. 240 00:09:18,603 --> 00:09:20,798 I'm supposed to shower off my mistakes. 241 00:09:20,823 --> 00:09:22,523 This was like 3,000 calories. 242 00:09:24,007 --> 00:09:26,240 But totally worth it, right? 243 00:09:26,682 --> 00:09:27,971 'Cause it was good chicken. 244 00:09:27,996 --> 00:09:29,996 Guys, what did you do to me? 245 00:09:37,137 --> 00:09:40,138 New low. Lying to me on my birthday. 246 00:09:40,305 --> 00:09:41,933 Benji, let me explain, okay? 247 00:09:41,958 --> 00:09:43,197 I didn't wanna see you 248 00:09:43,222 --> 00:09:44,849 wasting away on your birthday 249 00:09:44,874 --> 00:09:47,708 like Miss Havisham's rotting wedding cake. 250 00:09:47,897 --> 00:09:49,109 What? 251 00:09:49,185 --> 00:09:50,755 Guys, I had mono in junior high 252 00:09:50,780 --> 00:09:52,390 and I read a Dickens book. 253 00:09:52,415 --> 00:09:54,481 - No, you didn't. - Okay, 254 00:09:54,544 --> 00:09:56,197 I heard someone make the reference recently 255 00:09:56,222 --> 00:09:57,588 and I wanted to sound cool. 256 00:09:57,787 --> 00:10:00,621 Look, there's no hotel which means there's no shower. 257 00:10:00,723 --> 00:10:03,351 And if there's no shower, I can't perform. 258 00:10:03,459 --> 00:10:04,795 You knew this about me. 259 00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:06,972 Yes, and we also knew that if we told you 260 00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:08,777 that we had no hotel, you never would've come with us 261 00:10:08,802 --> 00:10:09,816 and up until this point 262 00:10:09,841 --> 00:10:11,512 you've been having the time of your life. 263 00:10:11,654 --> 00:10:13,599 You have to really ask yourself 264 00:10:13,635 --> 00:10:16,661 have I ruined your day any more than I usually do? 265 00:10:16,692 --> 00:10:18,658 I feel like the answer is no. 266 00:10:18,694 --> 00:10:20,968 Yeah, you dragged me across California. 267 00:10:21,083 --> 00:10:23,548 Do you have to take a full shower? 268 00:10:23,586 --> 00:10:25,552 Could you just take a wipe bath and be cool? 269 00:10:25,641 --> 00:10:28,408 No, it can't be a wipe bath. What am I, French? 270 00:10:28,738 --> 00:10:31,561 Look, my nanny, Marisol always washed me after meals 271 00:10:31,586 --> 00:10:33,100 and this is my life now. I need a shower. 272 00:10:33,125 --> 00:10:34,645 I was just trying to be a good friend. 273 00:10:34,673 --> 00:10:36,794 You watched me pack a night bag 274 00:10:36,819 --> 00:10:38,519 knowing I wouldn't even need it. 275 00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,922 And Jeffrey, dear, old Jeffrey. 276 00:10:41,468 --> 00:10:42,589 You were in on this. 277 00:10:42,614 --> 00:10:44,222 I expect it from her, but you? 278 00:10:44,247 --> 00:10:45,446 You went to church as a kid. 279 00:10:45,841 --> 00:10:47,807 Yeah, man, but come on, nobody got hurt. 280 00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:48,966 Let's just move on. 281 00:10:48,991 --> 00:10:50,104 What do you mean no one got hurt? I'm hurt. 282 00:10:50,129 --> 00:10:51,502 This is me hurt. I'm expressing myself. 283 00:10:51,527 --> 00:10:53,230 - Hi, I'm hurt. - You need to realize 284 00:10:53,255 --> 00:10:55,055 that there are different levels of lies, okay? 285 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,851 And all this was was a lie of omission. 286 00:10:57,933 --> 00:10:59,344 That's all the way down here, 287 00:10:59,369 --> 00:11:02,303 and then you've got half-truths, JKs, 288 00:11:02,738 --> 00:11:04,972 big, little lies, little, big lies. 289 00:11:05,007 --> 00:11:06,662 Okay, you can't get the same amount of mad 290 00:11:06,687 --> 00:11:08,154 for all those. You just can't. 291 00:11:08,179 --> 00:11:09,660 Look, guys, I'm gonna get a fancy hotel 292 00:11:09,685 --> 00:11:11,567 and you can't stay with me and you can't come in my car. 293 00:11:11,607 --> 00:11:12,916 - We're done. - Hey, hey, you know what? 294 00:11:12,941 --> 00:11:14,252 If you're looking for some recommendations 295 00:11:14,277 --> 00:11:16,110 I know a boutique place real close to here 296 00:11:16,135 --> 00:11:17,827 that has a bocce court in the back. 297 00:11:20,209 --> 00:11:22,209 Every hotel in Berkeley's sold out. 298 00:11:22,291 --> 00:11:25,407 Alumni weekend. 299 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:26,953 I'm leaving. 300 00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:28,922 Look, there's a gym close to here, 301 00:11:28,991 --> 00:11:30,750 and it's got day passes and everything. 302 00:11:30,775 --> 00:11:32,259 You can take a shower there. 303 00:11:32,422 --> 00:11:34,422 What's the body wash situation at that gym? 304 00:11:36,139 --> 00:11:37,679 I'll get you body wash for your birthday. 305 00:11:37,704 --> 00:11:39,523 - Problem solved. - Fine, let's go. 306 00:11:39,569 --> 00:11:40,628 - Fine. - Great. 307 00:11:41,475 --> 00:11:42,703 Benji, come on, okay? 308 00:11:42,728 --> 00:11:44,968 You said you were just gonna shower and then we would go. 309 00:11:45,456 --> 00:11:47,018 I got a day pass. I'm getting my money's worth. 310 00:11:47,043 --> 00:11:48,349 You should exercise, too. 311 00:11:48,451 --> 00:11:49,955 Cardio is a great stress reliever. 312 00:11:49,980 --> 00:11:52,348 Jeffrey, whose side are you on? 313 00:11:52,762 --> 00:11:55,243 I don't know. I mean, I don't even care. 314 00:11:55,268 --> 00:11:56,569 I just wanna get to the show, all right? 315 00:11:56,594 --> 00:11:58,307 I wanna... I wanna end this thing. 316 00:11:58,335 --> 00:11:59,550 And just so you know, Benji, 317 00:11:59,575 --> 00:12:00,738 you took too much time working out here. 318 00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:02,500 We're not gonna make it to all our stops. 319 00:12:02,558 --> 00:12:05,725 We're gonna have to make some really difficult decisions. 320 00:12:06,302 --> 00:12:08,065 It's not my problem, liars. 321 00:12:08,098 --> 00:12:09,264 - Ugh. - Hey. 322 00:12:09,292 --> 00:12:10,258 Be quick, okay? 323 00:12:10,283 --> 00:12:12,450 And just wash your hot zones. 324 00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:21,121 This is a disaster. 325 00:12:21,444 --> 00:12:22,964 What's up? 326 00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:24,425 Hey, what's up? 327 00:12:25,781 --> 00:12:27,695 You seem down, little buddy. 328 00:12:28,017 --> 00:12:30,083 I'm just, uh, I'm just washing my hair. 329 00:12:30,108 --> 00:12:32,608 I'm okay, man. 330 00:12:32,802 --> 00:12:34,820 Nice try, dude. Don't lie to me. 331 00:12:34,890 --> 00:12:36,590 Okay, I'm a body language expert. 332 00:12:36,819 --> 00:12:38,392 Helps me out in the courtroom. 333 00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:40,374 You new here? 334 00:12:40,683 --> 00:12:42,367 I work out here all the time. Never seen you. 335 00:12:42,412 --> 00:12:43,578 What's up? 336 00:12:43,639 --> 00:12:45,573 - It's a long story, man. - Yeah? 337 00:12:45,862 --> 00:12:48,896 Well, I gotta shave up, 338 00:12:48,921 --> 00:12:50,854 so all I got is time. 339 00:12:50,993 --> 00:12:52,172 Hit me. 340 00:12:52,222 --> 00:12:55,189 All right, so it's my birthday, and... 341 00:12:55,190 --> 00:12:56,814 Happy birthday! 342 00:12:56,839 --> 00:13:00,574 Everybody, this man's birthday is today! 343 00:13:00,703 --> 00:13:02,737 - Whoo! - Thanks, dude. 344 00:13:03,185 --> 00:13:04,964 Yeah, I'm not usually a birthday person. 345 00:13:05,002 --> 00:13:06,730 I really don't even care about them. 346 00:13:06,863 --> 00:13:09,443 - Uh-huh. - My friends invite me on a road trip, 347 00:13:09,479 --> 00:13:11,412 all the way from LA... 348 00:13:28,517 --> 00:13:30,154 So, I don't know. They're dicks. 349 00:13:30,175 --> 00:13:31,481 But maybe I'm overreacting. 350 00:13:31,581 --> 00:13:33,510 No, unh-unh. On your birthday. 351 00:13:34,201 --> 00:13:36,379 This is the one day you can celebrate you. 352 00:13:37,493 --> 00:13:39,282 Feelings are feelings. 353 00:13:39,975 --> 00:13:43,865 Okay? And that is the realest thing I've ever told anyone. 354 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:45,851 Yeah. 355 00:13:46,718 --> 00:13:48,119 - Great. - I like that. 356 00:13:48,144 --> 00:13:49,287 - Thank you. - Take it, man. 357 00:13:49,312 --> 00:13:50,627 Happy birthday. That's my gift to you. 358 00:13:50,652 --> 00:13:52,320 Thanks, dude. 359 00:13:59,365 --> 00:14:01,412 I mean, I'm just saying that no matter what, 360 00:14:01,437 --> 00:14:03,850 going to an ostrich farm is a more unique experience. 361 00:14:03,875 --> 00:14:05,615 Okay, well, going to Dodo's Donuts 362 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,552 is a more delicious experience. 363 00:14:07,696 --> 00:14:10,101 Plus, Jeff, I googled "ostrich bite" 364 00:14:10,126 --> 00:14:12,027 and what I saw really scared me. 365 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,920 They don't have teeth. It's just like... 366 00:14:14,005 --> 00:14:15,153 - Like that. - That hurt. 367 00:14:15,178 --> 00:14:16,886 - Oh. - Hey, guys, let's go. 368 00:14:17,050 --> 00:14:18,801 Great, we are back on schedule. 369 00:14:18,826 --> 00:14:20,538 We just decided we're gonna go get donuts. 370 00:14:20,563 --> 00:14:22,329 Actually, there's been a change in plans. 371 00:14:22,398 --> 00:14:25,077 Decisions now go through me, the birthday boy. 372 00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:28,065 Just had a great talk with my new friend, 373 00:14:28,272 --> 00:14:32,108 Muscle Guy, and Muscle Guy says feelings are feelings, 374 00:14:32,133 --> 00:14:34,626 and I don't feel like getting a donut. 375 00:14:34,651 --> 00:14:37,251 I feel like getting the world's greatest banana split. 376 00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:40,244 Okay, well, I don't think you understand how road trips work. 377 00:14:40,269 --> 00:14:41,762 I mean, these things have to be planned 378 00:14:41,787 --> 00:14:43,437 weeks, if not months in advance. 379 00:14:43,462 --> 00:14:45,016 That's cute. That's real cute, Esther. 380 00:14:45,041 --> 00:14:47,351 'Cause I don't think you know how birthdays work. 381 00:14:47,376 --> 00:14:48,475 I don't think either of you 382 00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,400 understand how friendship works. 383 00:14:54,762 --> 00:14:56,728 Come on, man, get some ice cream. 384 00:14:56,764 --> 00:14:58,665 - You love ice cream. - I'm not really that hungry. 385 00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,601 - Thank you. - Hey, maybe we just 386 00:15:00,626 --> 00:15:04,088 all eat quietly before my migraine really kicks in. 387 00:15:04,358 --> 00:15:06,068 Just take a bite. 388 00:15:06,093 --> 00:15:07,958 It's the best banana split ever. 389 00:15:07,983 --> 00:15:09,186 I'm fine, okay? 390 00:15:09,211 --> 00:15:10,301 I've actually been reading 391 00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:11,981 all about Bill and Suzy 392 00:15:12,006 --> 00:15:15,074 and how this place was their dream to open it. 393 00:15:15,646 --> 00:15:19,025 Congratulations, Suzy. 394 00:15:19,564 --> 00:15:23,437 Will you stop acting like you're so donut horny, okay? 395 00:15:23,462 --> 00:15:25,502 I've seen your vision board. It's all sugar cookies. 396 00:15:25,635 --> 00:15:26,903 Those are snickerdoodles. 397 00:15:26,936 --> 00:15:28,569 Snickerdoodles are sugar cookies. 398 00:15:28,632 --> 00:15:31,062 They're not. -They're part of the sugar cookie family. 399 00:15:31,142 --> 00:15:32,708 There's no cookie family. 400 00:15:32,795 --> 00:15:34,848 There is a cookie genus. Yes, there is. 401 00:15:34,873 --> 00:15:36,287 And if you take a sugar cookie, 402 00:15:36,312 --> 00:15:37,832 you put snickerdoodle seasoning on it, 403 00:15:37,857 --> 00:15:39,651 - and then it's a snickerdoodle. - You mean cinnamon? 404 00:15:39,676 --> 00:15:41,408 - Do you even know? - I do know. 405 00:15:41,485 --> 00:15:43,141 It's more than cinnamon to make a snickerdoodle. 406 00:15:43,166 --> 00:15:45,478 Yeah, that's why they're two different cookies. 407 00:15:45,503 --> 00:15:47,619 It's not just one ingredient that makes it. 408 00:15:47,678 --> 00:15:50,645 The basis of a snickerdoodle is sugar cookie. 409 00:15:50,670 --> 00:15:52,603 All right, I'm out. 410 00:15:52,755 --> 00:15:53,888 My Lyft's almost here. 411 00:15:53,913 --> 00:15:55,466 I'm just gonna wait for Ignacio outside. 412 00:15:55,499 --> 00:15:57,181 - Can I come with you? - No. 413 00:15:57,215 --> 00:15:58,661 I'm gonna come with you, though. 414 00:15:58,756 --> 00:15:59,794 No! 415 00:15:59,850 --> 00:16:01,816 Look, the two of you are acting like maniacs, 416 00:16:01,841 --> 00:16:03,173 and I have a show tonight. 417 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,334 And so to you I say, "Peace." 418 00:16:08,002 --> 00:16:09,738 Really dramatic. 419 00:16:09,763 --> 00:16:10,888 You know the only reason he left 420 00:16:10,913 --> 00:16:13,219 is because you're a sociopath, right? 421 00:16:13,677 --> 00:16:15,291 I mean, really? Come on. 422 00:16:15,401 --> 00:16:16,801 If anyone's a sociopath, it's you. 423 00:16:16,826 --> 00:16:18,559 You're the sociopath. You're charming. 424 00:16:18,743 --> 00:16:20,734 Fine, but if I'm a sociopath, 425 00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:24,568 you're a lazy, entitled, narcissistic loser, 426 00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:26,268 which is way worse. 427 00:16:26,296 --> 00:16:27,739 You know, I was actually having fun 428 00:16:27,764 --> 00:16:29,221 but I should've known this was all a sham. 429 00:16:29,246 --> 00:16:31,939 You just wanted to use me to be a driver on your road trip, 430 00:16:31,964 --> 00:16:35,757 and even when it's my birthday... my freaking birthday, 431 00:16:35,782 --> 00:16:37,198 you still have to have it your way. 432 00:16:37,223 --> 00:16:39,123 That's not true, okay? I wanted to go 433 00:16:39,148 --> 00:16:41,181 to the donut shop because of you. 434 00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:44,185 They have gluten-free donuts in every flavor imaginable. 435 00:16:44,210 --> 00:16:46,346 It was part of your surprise. 436 00:16:46,963 --> 00:16:48,123 What? 437 00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:49,565 It doesn't matter, okay? 438 00:16:49,590 --> 00:16:52,227 It's too late to go now. We don't have time. 439 00:16:53,744 --> 00:16:55,603 I didn't realize that was part of the plan, all right? 440 00:16:55,628 --> 00:16:56,770 Thank you. That's very thoughtful. 441 00:16:56,809 --> 00:16:59,281 Well, happy birthday. 442 00:17:01,392 --> 00:17:03,650 I can't believe Jeff left us. 443 00:17:04,096 --> 00:17:05,356 What a jerk. 444 00:17:05,381 --> 00:17:08,215 Dude, do you realize what just happened? 445 00:17:08,264 --> 00:17:10,191 Who invited us to a show? 446 00:17:10,340 --> 00:17:12,140 Who found a gym super fast 447 00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:13,525 that already had a day pass ready, 448 00:17:13,550 --> 00:17:15,301 and then... And then who sat there 449 00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:16,771 and watched me eat fried food? 450 00:17:17,001 --> 00:17:18,436 And now he's going to the show 451 00:17:18,461 --> 00:17:19,887 and he thinks we're not going. 452 00:17:19,912 --> 00:17:22,012 Oh, we're going to the show. 453 00:17:22,239 --> 00:17:23,793 Yeah, we're going to the show. 454 00:17:23,854 --> 00:17:25,059 Show him. 455 00:17:25,084 --> 00:17:26,084 I can't believe he tried 456 00:17:26,109 --> 00:17:27,750 to tear us apart like that. 457 00:17:28,223 --> 00:17:30,178 I hope he bombs tonight. 458 00:17:30,427 --> 00:17:32,260 I hope someone heckles him. 459 00:17:32,990 --> 00:17:34,850 I hope two people heckle him. 460 00:17:35,030 --> 00:17:36,852 Hmm, interesting. 461 00:17:36,969 --> 00:17:38,569 I'll be Kissinger. You be Nixon. 462 00:17:38,635 --> 00:17:40,569 I'll be SpongeBob. You be Patrick. 463 00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:42,550 He's Squidward. 464 00:17:43,006 --> 00:17:44,072 Let's go. 465 00:17:44,614 --> 00:17:46,929 Hey, Berkeley, how you doing? 466 00:17:46,964 --> 00:17:48,337 It's so good to see you. 467 00:17:48,362 --> 00:17:51,510 All right, what a nice-looking house. 468 00:17:51,535 --> 00:17:54,269 Now, I gotta tell you I'm used to, uh, LA houses. 469 00:17:54,294 --> 00:17:55,694 Real sexy, hot houses. 470 00:17:55,719 --> 00:17:58,381 This is not that, but, um, it's really nice. 471 00:17:58,406 --> 00:18:00,191 This is like a palate cleanser for my eyes. 472 00:18:00,263 --> 00:18:04,232 Uh, I gotta tell you, uh, today is my birthday. 473 00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:06,091 - Yeah, happy birthday. - Yeah. 474 00:18:06,116 --> 00:18:07,559 It's not his birthday. It's my birthday. 475 00:18:07,584 --> 00:18:09,030 He's stealing it for an easy laugh. 476 00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,768 - He's lying. - Liar. 477 00:18:10,793 --> 00:18:12,574 These are a couple of my friends here. 478 00:18:12,599 --> 00:18:14,420 Uh, these are really nice people. 479 00:18:14,445 --> 00:18:16,266 Thank you so much for showing up. 480 00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:18,963 Anyways, guys, uh, 481 00:18:19,049 --> 00:18:21,426 does anybody else think that when you were a kid 482 00:18:21,451 --> 00:18:24,419 that all dogs were boys and all cats were girls? 483 00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:26,135 Right, right, right? 484 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,925 Well, I did, too, until I started dating this girl 485 00:18:28,973 --> 00:18:30,963 who had a female dog, and so... 486 00:18:30,988 --> 00:18:34,056 I wonder if this dog joke ends in "bitch" wordplay? 487 00:18:34,164 --> 00:18:35,965 - I wonder. - Seriously? 488 00:18:36,019 --> 00:18:37,857 No, I don't wonder. I can finish this joke for you. 489 00:18:37,882 --> 00:18:39,411 - Most of us can. - Just let it... you know what? 490 00:18:39,436 --> 00:18:41,756 Let's move on. So anyway, I was talking to my girlfriend... 491 00:18:41,906 --> 00:18:43,497 - No girlfriend. - You know what, man? 492 00:18:43,593 --> 00:18:45,127 You know what, I'm not even gonna give you guys 493 00:18:45,171 --> 00:18:47,439 the-the-the fun of doing this to me. 494 00:18:47,464 --> 00:18:49,531 - I'm out. - Come back, Jeffrey! 495 00:18:49,599 --> 00:18:51,676 - Come on, oh, dude! - Jeff, come back. 496 00:18:51,742 --> 00:18:53,775 - He's joking. - Come on, man. 497 00:18:53,816 --> 00:18:55,755 - We're messing with you. - Jeffrey! 498 00:18:55,881 --> 00:18:58,314 Best birthday gift ever, heckling Jeff. Thank you. 499 00:18:58,401 --> 00:19:00,502 I knew you'd love road trips. 500 00:19:03,092 --> 00:19:05,092 So? 501 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,215 I mean, it's the best donut I ever had. 502 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:08,304 - Gluten-free or not. - Yes! 503 00:19:08,329 --> 00:19:10,164 - It's the best. - This completes 504 00:19:10,189 --> 00:19:11,354 the perfect road trip. 505 00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,283 Except for when Jeff tried to ruin it, 506 00:19:13,325 --> 00:19:16,359 - but what can you do? - What? Are you serious? 507 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,189 Come on, this is the same crap you guys always pull 508 00:19:19,214 --> 00:19:20,453 when you get into a fight with each other. 509 00:19:20,478 --> 00:19:22,426 Neither one of you wants to admit that you're wrong, 510 00:19:22,451 --> 00:19:24,589 so you end up dumping it all on a third party. 511 00:19:24,887 --> 00:19:26,901 Come on, dude, what is this third party stuff, dude? 512 00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:28,298 Me! I'm the third party. 513 00:19:28,323 --> 00:19:29,556 Me, Jeff. 514 00:19:29,845 --> 00:19:31,526 Unbelievable that you would try 515 00:19:31,551 --> 00:19:33,294 to tear us apart right now. 516 00:19:33,335 --> 00:19:35,402 And on my birthday, dude. That's so bold. 517 00:19:35,477 --> 00:19:37,851 I don't know about bold, but it's inconsiderate. 518 00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:40,684 You know what? You know what, you guys are jerks. 519 00:19:40,743 --> 00:19:42,930 You're terrible. You're terrible people. 520 00:19:43,052 --> 00:19:45,319 We're just teasing you, relax. 521 00:19:45,448 --> 00:19:48,568 Jeff, come on, we're just heckling you. 522 00:19:48,593 --> 00:19:50,134 Everyone knows it makes you stronger. 523 00:19:50,159 --> 00:19:52,507 - Look how strong we are. - It's very, very funny 524 00:19:52,535 --> 00:19:54,173 how the two you never want to confront 525 00:19:54,198 --> 00:19:56,235 any of your actual problems with each other. 526 00:19:56,285 --> 00:19:58,185 Oh, my God, this again with the problems. 527 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,100 Actually, Jeffrey, 528 00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:01,491 we think you're a sociopath. 529 00:20:01,817 --> 00:20:03,784 Well, we don't... We know you're a sociopath. 530 00:20:03,813 --> 00:20:05,713 Okay, you know what? That's it. 531 00:20:05,868 --> 00:20:07,801 Bye! Bye! 532 00:20:08,017 --> 00:20:09,242 Happy birthday, man. 533 00:20:10,846 --> 00:20:12,146 That was crazy. 534 00:20:12,181 --> 00:20:14,448 Like, straight up, that was so crazy. 535 00:20:14,730 --> 00:20:16,104 I know. He's got problems. 536 00:20:16,129 --> 00:20:18,129 - I feel really bad for him. - Me too. 537 00:20:18,321 --> 00:20:20,008 And then he's like, "Confront your problems." 538 00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:21,387 And then we're like, "All right, here's your problem." 539 00:20:21,412 --> 00:20:23,454 Well, the sad thing is is that when you act like that 540 00:20:23,479 --> 00:20:25,037 you're never gonna find someone. 541 00:20:25,263 --> 00:20:27,747 You're just always gonna be by yourself. 542 00:20:28,050 --> 00:20:29,418 Yeah, I know. 543 00:20:29,452 --> 00:20:31,419 It's sad.