As you all know, profits for Hampton DeVille
are at an all-time high.
Unfortunately, the well-being of our employees
is at an all-time low.
Let's take a look at the average Hampton DeVille employee.
The average life expectancy for a Hampton DeVille employee
is 57.1 years.
- They get 5.2 hours of sleep a night... - I'm so tired.
I wish I could be asleep all the time.
You just described death.
Hmm. Yeah, I guess I want to be dead.
I can't wait to die.
It sounds so relaxing.
The average employee is half man, half woman.
They have one testicle,
one breast, and half a vagina.
Every year, the average employee consumes
561 cups of coffee...
I feel nothing when I drink coffee.
Coffee is a scam.
Be an adult. Take an Adderall.
The average Hampton DeVille employee
strongly agrees with the following phrase.
"If I see a pill, I eat a pill."
They smoke 275 cigarettes annually,
97 marijuana cigarettes,
and due to some statistical outliers,
the average employee does heroin.
I would never do heroin.
Unless I was dying,
or someone just offered it to me.
I don't have a 401(K), so as of now,
my retirement plan is to overdose on drugs.
Smart.
The average employee
has 7.8 suicidal thoughts per day,
18 panic attacks a year,
and wonders once an hour, every hour,
why this is happening to them.
And that concludes my presentation
on how Hampton DeVille employees
cope with the pain of being alive.
Okay. Thank you, Grace.
Should we talk next steps?
First step: let us never speak of this again.
Yes, that's right.
That's really the only step.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
You've heard of enhanced interrogation, right?
- Yeah. - Well, it's like that,
- but with acupuncture. - Ah.
I know a masseuse who does this amazing thing
where she wraps her hands around your neck
and just oh-so-subtly suffocates you.
- Is that Matt? - Oh, no.
Finding a dead body is one of my top 25 fears.
He has a neck pillow.
He died in his sleep.
Oh!
- Hi, Matt. - Oh, my...
- God! - Ah!
- John. - Ah!
- What? - What?
Matt, the fact that you have been sleeping in your car
means we have not been challenging you enough.
But that's about to change.
We need you to digitize
all the employee injury and death reports
from the past 50 years.
I'm gonna be honest with you,
it's an upsetting amount of work.
It sucks.
I'm sorry, but how does digitizing old files
fit into my job description?
I'm gonna lose my mind if I don't get my nap.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Wow, Matt. That sounds awful.
Almost as bad as having spinal surgery!
Because the chairs here
don't provide lumbar support!
But let's get back to how you're a victim.
Jake, buddy!
It is so good to see you back in the office, man.
The place wasn't the same without you.
I brought you these.
Wow, thanks, Baron.
I kind of thought you hated me
'cause you've said that to my face many times.
Uh, so anyway, um...
what'd they give you to manage the pain?
Must be some serious stuff.
They gave me hydrocodone, oxycodone,
lorazepam, Diazepam.
You know, I get, um,
uh, retinal pain from staring at screens all day,
so if you have any leftover pills,
remember who brought you flowers
when you were down and out...
and in need of a friend.
There's a Benji in the card.
Wow, that was pretty blatant.
I've been dealing with this all morning.
Turns out painkillers are pretty valuable currency.
Jake, heard about your back.
That sucks, man.
Quick question, though.
What kind of pills are you taking?
Hey, Jake.
- Hey, Jake. - Jake.
Jake!
Jim, buddy.
I am so sorry to hear about your back.
I can only imagine the pain you're in.
You are a hero.
What'd they give ya?
What was it, Norcos, Vals, Vics?
You are not supposed to take all of 'em.
That would be dangerous.
My carpal tunnel's been really acting up.
This weekend, I have to meet my mom's new boyfriend.
That's not good.
He used to be my boyfriend.
I'm just really bored.
I'm a drug addict.
I would be so grateful.
If you love me, you'll give me the pills.
I'll give you something; you give me something.
- I need the pills. - Just give them to me.
Please.
Don't act like you're the only one in pain!
And that would really help me out, man.
What's in it for me?
Is that a new suit?
Yeah, I got it from Hank in accounting.
His in-laws are visiting this weekend.
Is that a Kandinsky?
Here's another batch.
Well, now I really want to be dead.
Hi, Matt. You look like you're dying.
Thanks, Grace.
Jake.
Oh, hi, Grace.
Let me guess, you want to exploit our friendship
for some pain pills.
What? No.
I just brought you these balloons
because I care about you.
That's so sweet, Grace.
You're such a good person.
Yes. I am good.
[Bleep], [Bleep], [Bleep].
God, I need a nap.
Matt, we know you need sleep,
- but we're counting on you. - You're young.
You're not allowed to sleep until you're dead.
I don't think employees are allowed to smoke in here.
What are you gonna do, fire me?
No, it's just that...
cigarettes are bad for you.
Cigarettes can't kill me.
Why not?
Because I'm a [Bleep] ghost!
Hey, Matt!
Ooh.
I thought you were dead, but turns out
you're just sleeping on the toilet,
which is somehow worse.
Good morning, Matt!
I'm gonna show you how I get through my day...
without falling asleep on the toilet.
John, how is waking up at 6:00 a.m.
to play basketball gonna help me?
- God. - Endorphins.
Intense physical activity
floods your brain with endorphins.
You don't need sleep
when you can trick your body into thinking
that you're constantly
- in a life-threatening situation. - John.
With endorphins,
you can power your way through any obstacle.
Oh!
Foul.
With adrenaline in your veins,
nothing can get in your way!
Oh, Jesus.
That's a goal-tend.
Okay, nothing can get in my way.
Gotcha!
Oh, gotcha, big man.
Let me get it!
You're a filthy, scumbag, dirty-ass...
- I get it. - Trifling player.
And you're always gonna be a dirty player.
Let's go!
With endorphins...
everything is possible!
Oh!
What?
How?
Ow!
So there was an incident
on the basketball court this morning
involving two Hampton DeVille employees.
You and me.
And I think what we've learned
is that people...
me and you...
make mistakes.
And nobody is really at fault here.
Okay?
Yeah, it's okay.
Good.
Good meeting...
and great game.
You ever have one of those dreams
that are so vivid, you'd swear it's real?
All the time, man.
Who are you?
I'm Kevin.
I've been hitting the drugs pretty hard since my dog died,
so I traded my office to Jake for painkillers.
Oh.
How are you?
I'm having a little bit of a rough day,
but I'm okay.
How are you?
Good. I'm on drugs.
No, don't do that.
Do what I said.
Trust me, if you saw how I look,
you would do what I said.
Can I help you?
Come on, this is ridiculous.
Um, I just came to talk to Jake.
Do you have an appointment with Mr. Levinson?
It's okay, Jane.
Tell him to wait a minute, and we'll grab some grub.
Mom, how many times do I have to tell you
he's not hot enough for you?
You're an amazing woman, and you deserve the hottest.
Thanks for picking up lunch, Grace.
That's what friends do:
give each other stuff that makes their bodies feel good.
So, Jake, how many pills do you have left?
I blew a bunch on a key to the 49th floor vending machine,
but I've got enough left for one big trade.
Ooh, and I think I know what it's going to be.
A car?
No, I want that parking spot.
It's right by the elevator,
no cars on either side.
It's convenient, but more importantly
a real status symbol.
Uh, there's no chance you're gonna get that spot.
It belongs to Peg Peterson.
She's the most well-balanced person I've ever met.
I don't think she's been sad a day in her life.
Okay, well, it was good hearing from you.
Yeah. Have a great day, Todd.
Okay.
Oh, hello.
I'm sorry, that was a telemarketer.
What can I help you with?
I'm sorry, but I was walking by your office,
and I couldn't help but notice that your name is Peg Peterson.
This is a long shot,
but do you happen to know a Lenny Peterson?
Uh, I don't think so.
Well, he's great,
and it's great to meet another Peterson.
Anyway, how are you?
I'm doing really well, thank you for asking.
And how are you?
Um, what's that back brace for?
Oh, this old thing?
I just had a little spinal surgery.
Don't worry about me.
Yeah, it hurts a little bit,
but everyone has pain, right?
Right, Peg?
I'm sorry to hear about your spine,
but you know what always makes me feel better
is a candy cane.
Candy, huh?
Ever had this kind of candy, Peg?
Are those prescription painkillers?
These make everybody feel better about everything.
I could give you the rest of the bottle,
but I'm gonna need more than a candy cane, Peg.
Maybe your parking spot?
Oh, it's 2:00.
It's time for my afternoon treat.
Ice cream sandwiches are the only drug I need.
Bonne nuit.
Buenas noches.
What?
Hey, ghost?
What are you typing?
I have to finish these bullshit reports.
Hey, ghost?
What's it like being dead?
Being dead is great in theory.
You know?
You don't feel any pain.
You can have sex without condoms.
But the problem is, you just get used to it, you know?
And then being dead just sucks as much as being alive.
It's like, there's no greener grass.
There's just more grass.
[Bleep], you just made me type "grass"!
Paper cuts!
- Oh! - Hi, Matt.
Did you know this is the women's restroom?
And also you're asleep on a toilet.
What's wrong, Matt?
I don't know, Kevin.
These death records are giving me weird nightmares.
Madeline?
Smoker, foul-mouthed,
died of an amphetamine overdose.
Oh, my God.
She's real.
Who's real?
The ghost from my dreams.
Wait, no, I'm sorry.
I don't believe in ghosts.
I do.
If ghosts aren't real,
how do you explain
the existence of ghosts?
- Huh? - You're right.
- You can't explain it. - No.
I listen to ghost hunting podcasts while I work,
and they all say that if you meet a ghost,
you're supposed to find where they died
so they can be released to the afterlife.
It says she died on floor 33.
I know all about floor 33.
It's abandoned.
Supposed to be pretty spooky.
I'll go get my ghost rods.
Thanks, Kev.
Are you gonna go get your rods?
- Oh! - Yeah.
Yeah, right, ghost rods. Right.
What's wrong?
No ice cream sandwiches?
Someone threw them into the sink and smashed them.
Oh, no.
I guess the world is cruel.
Right, Peg?
Lucky for you...
I have these.
You know what?
I think I'm gonna treat myself
to a walk in the park.
Why don't you come join me?
Why'd they shut this floor down?
It wasn't wheelchair accessible,
and they didn't want to pay to install a ramp.
Oh.
Spider!
Oh, don't.
Oh, my God. Kevin, it's her office.
Oh, man.
My rods are really starting to [Bleep] out.
Uh, maybe we should go back to the office
and take some pain pills and forget about this.
No, I'm going in.
Matt! Matt, no!
It says "deceased found on couch."
Oh, my God, we found her final resting place.
Now she can be released.
Kev?
Huh. Resting place.
Look, Jake,
it's not like I don't understand
that there's darkness in life.
Okay, let me tell you a story.
So when I was a kid, my parents were divorced,
and I lived with my mother.
And one night, we woke up,
and the house was on fire.
So we ran out,
and my mother ran back in to save my dog,
and that's when my father kidnapped me.
Because it turns out that he had started the fire
to get back at my mother, so...
anyway, three months later,
the FBI found us
and shot my father through the brain
right in front of me.
But on the way to the police station,
a federal agent handed me an ice cream sandwich.
So yeah,
I could easily
look back at what happened
and focus on the negative.
Or I could remember that no matter how bad things get,
there's always an ice cream sandwich
around the corner.
I just want to take a minute
to deeply apologize
for throwing away your ice cream sandwiches.
There's just one more thing I want to show you.
Well...
you released me.
So now I get to move on.
To hell.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - It's fine.
I was a terrible person, so it doesn't matter.
Hell's better than working at Hampton DeVille, right?
Yeah, I'm not cut out for working here.
No one is.
You just find your way to cope, and you just keep going.
So is that it?
Yeah.
Unless you want to make out.
Do you want to make out?
Yeah, whatever.
I mean, I'm a ghost. Who cares?
Oh!
You know, Jake, I really do believe
that putting positivity into the world
is kind of its own reward.
That's why I'm giving you my parking space.
Wow. Peg.
Thank you.
But after all you've been through, I feel kind of bad
taking your parking spot.
I definitely still will,
but I feel bad.
Don't worry about me.
Oh, and remember,
always look on the bright...
? Nothing is good enough ?
? For people like you ?
? Who have to have someone take the fall ?
? And something to sabotage ?
? Determined to lose it all ?
? Nothing is ?
? Good enough ?
John told me to drop these off here.
Whoa!
You're the ghost.
I found out where you died and took a nap there.
What are you talking about?
Oh.
I guess that was a dream.
Gross. Don't dream about me.
Oh, no, it wasn't you.
You were a dream ghost, and I released you to hell.
And then we made out,
but it was your idea.
I... listen.
I'm not explaining this well.
Here's the thing. I'm a good guy.
And if we got to know each other,
we'd laugh about this, and, uh...
if we hung out, uh, we'd probably become friends.
I know that this is a weird situation.
We all know that, both of us,
and, uh, I just want you to know
that I'm with you on this.
Bottom line, I need you to trust me
that I'm a good person.
That's it.
Don't ever talk to me again.
Okay.
I hate all men.
_
Hey, Grace.
Here you go, kiddo.
Jake!
Man, Kevin,
it's been so much easier to get my work done
now that I found my new napping place.
Who's Kevin?
Jake? But what happened to...
was Kevin a ghost?
No, I just gave him his office back.
Oh.
That makes sense.
There's a spider on your shoulder.
Wow, buddy.
You play dirty.
Filthy.
I like that.
I like that, buddy.
Let's go!
Foul.