1
00:00:05,836 --> 00:00:07,210
_

2
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:08,433
This is so exciting.

3
00:00:08,458 --> 00:00:09,958
We have to remember this.

4
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,593
Every day is full of
these different moments

5
00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:13,528
that can change our destiny.

6
00:00:13,530 --> 00:00:15,497
You know I'm just masturbating
into this cup, right?

7
00:00:15,499 --> 00:00:17,665
Stop taking the romance out of it.

8
00:00:17,667 --> 00:00:21,169
You're extracting your semen
to be evaluated in a laboratory.

9
00:00:21,171 --> 00:00:22,604
It's beautiful.

10
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:23,938
Yeah, you're right.
You're right. Either way,

11
00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:25,440
we're both pulling
for our family, right?

12
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:26,875
Mm-hmm. Should we take a
selfie with the sample cup?

13
00:00:26,877 --> 00:00:28,143
No, no, no. Colleen, this
actually isn't for public...

14
00:00:28,145 --> 00:00:30,645
Yay!

15
00:00:30,647 --> 00:00:32,213
Now, are you sure that
this wouldn't be easier

16
00:00:32,215 --> 00:00:33,548
for you in a clinic?

17
00:00:33,550 --> 00:00:34,482
No, no. That's way too much pressure.

18
00:00:34,484 --> 00:00:35,617
- I need to do it here.
- Okay.

19
00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:36,885
And you need to leave the door open

20
00:00:36,887 --> 00:00:38,586
so that I can get a good Wi-Fi signal.

21
00:00:38,588 --> 00:00:41,422
Okay. Just remember,
you only have 30 minutes.

22
00:00:41,424 --> 00:00:43,202
- Right.
- Well, 30 minutes once it's in that cup,

23
00:00:43,227 --> 00:00:45,484
but you have as long as it's gonna
take you to get it in the cup.

24
00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:46,970
But then only 30 minutes once
it's in that cup, otherwise...

25
00:00:46,995 --> 00:00:49,152
- Colleen!
- Okay, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go to work,

26
00:00:49,177 --> 00:00:50,074
and I'll leave you to it.

27
00:00:50,099 --> 00:00:52,109
- Okay.
- 30 minutes to get to the clinic.

28
00:00:52,134 --> 00:00:54,034
Bye.

29
00:01:19,588 --> 00:01:20,572
Hello.

30
00:01:20,627 --> 00:01:22,502
_

31
00:01:22,869 --> 00:01:24,007
Matt?

32
00:01:24,009 --> 00:01:25,842
Hey, Heather. I can't really
talk right now. What's up?

33
00:01:25,844 --> 00:01:27,860
Yeah, you know what? I-I think
something's wrong with me.

34
00:01:27,885 --> 00:01:29,212
I think I have that thing,
you know, where you have

35
00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:31,414
lava in your chest. You
know that lava thing?

36
00:01:31,416 --> 00:01:33,983
Yeah. No, I don't. I don't
know "the lava thing."

37
00:01:33,985 --> 00:01:35,385
It's like you're pregnant,

38
00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:37,587
but it's in your chest,
and instead of a baby,

39
00:01:37,589 --> 00:01:39,562
it's like a thousand hot knives.

40
00:01:39,587 --> 00:01:40,623
Call Tim.

41
00:01:40,625 --> 00:01:41,925
Isn't this the point
of marrying a doctor?

42
00:01:41,927 --> 00:01:43,960
To call him with all
sorts of fake emergencies?

43
00:01:43,962 --> 00:01:45,228
No. No, his phone's off.

44
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,974
He's at the eye doctor.

45
00:01:46,999 --> 00:01:48,231
Oh...

46
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,400
I think I'm gonna need you
to take me to the hospital.

47
00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,402
Okay, well, what about Mom or Greg?

48
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:54,319
No, no. They're taking Dad

49
00:01:54,344 --> 00:01:55,624
to get his colonoscopy.

50
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:56,840
You know what? I-It's fine. It's fine.

51
00:01:56,842 --> 00:01:59,214
It's fine. I'm just gonna lay here,

52
00:01:59,239 --> 00:02:01,611
right on this nice, cool concrete.

53
00:02:01,613 --> 00:02:03,513
Oh! That's good.

54
00:02:03,515 --> 00:02:05,682
Heather, I think you need to call 911.

55
00:02:05,684 --> 00:02:07,403
What? And cause a whole scene?

56
00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:09,261
No way. That is so embarrassing.

57
00:02:09,286 --> 00:02:10,920
Bud, just... Hi, please,
just go around me.

58
00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:12,122
Thank you.

59
00:02:12,124 --> 00:02:14,266
Just, yep. Go around.

60
00:02:14,291 --> 00:02:15,680
You can do it.

61
00:02:15,705 --> 00:02:18,157
Okay. Okay.

62
00:02:18,182 --> 00:02:19,829
I'm coming to get you. Where are you?

63
00:02:23,637 --> 00:02:25,101
All right, what does the Internet say?

64
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:26,636
It says heart attack.

65
00:02:26,638 --> 00:02:28,605
Okay, yeah, that-that's
actually not funny.

66
00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:31,508
No, Matt. Seriously,
it-it says heart attack.

67
00:02:33,078 --> 00:02:34,677
I'm sure it's just indigestion.

68
00:02:34,679 --> 00:02:37,080
Yeah, I know. You're probably right.

69
00:02:38,814 --> 00:02:40,049
All right, if something happens to me,

70
00:02:40,051 --> 00:02:41,417
please don't let Tim remarry.

71
00:02:41,419 --> 00:02:43,386
Okay... first of all, you're fine.

72
00:02:43,388 --> 00:02:45,321
Second of all, Tim has always said

73
00:02:45,346 --> 00:02:46,456
that if anything ever happened to you,

74
00:02:46,481 --> 00:02:48,458
he was gonna get a Japanese sex robot.

75
00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:50,360
Oh, that's right. Yeah,
he wants to be able

76
00:02:50,362 --> 00:02:52,295
to fart whenever he wants to.

77
00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,520
Oh, he's a good man.

78
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:58,067
Okay, there's something
else I have to tell you.

79
00:02:59,004 --> 00:03:01,707
I have been pretending to be

80
00:03:01,732 --> 00:03:04,607
a girl from high school

81
00:03:04,609 --> 00:03:06,876
that still has a crush on Greg.

82
00:03:06,878 --> 00:03:08,378
You're Hayley Haslett?

83
00:03:08,380 --> 00:03:09,612
Yeah.

84
00:03:09,614 --> 00:03:11,114
He's been bragging about her for years.

85
00:03:11,116 --> 00:03:12,582
Oh, God. I know.

86
00:03:12,584 --> 00:03:16,616
And I had such a spectacular endgame.

87
00:03:16,969 --> 00:03:19,566
I was gonna have Hayley go missing,

88
00:03:19,591 --> 00:03:22,292
and Greg was the only one who
could put the clues together

89
00:03:22,294 --> 00:03:24,227
to find her, and now
I'm not gonna be alive

90
00:03:24,229 --> 00:03:25,795
to see the prank through.

91
00:03:25,797 --> 00:03:28,398
No. No, I am never
gonna let that happen.

92
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,634
Okay.

93
00:03:31,636 --> 00:03:32,769
What's in the bag? Is that a candy?

94
00:03:32,771 --> 00:03:34,137
No, no, no, no. You...

95
00:03:34,139 --> 00:03:36,039
No, no. Don't worry about it.

96
00:03:36,829 --> 00:03:37,906
Matt.

97
00:03:37,931 --> 00:03:38,741
I think you're gonna have to make

98
00:03:38,743 --> 00:03:40,176
some tough decisions today.

99
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,644
I'm never gonna let you suffer.

100
00:03:41,646 --> 00:03:44,214
No, no. I want you to
let me suffer, okay?

101
00:03:44,216 --> 00:03:46,549
You plug me into any
machine that they have.

102
00:03:46,551 --> 00:03:47,851
All right? I don't care what kind

103
00:03:47,853 --> 00:03:49,719
of financial burden it causes.

104
00:03:49,721 --> 00:03:53,323
You plug me into a frickin' fax
machine if that keeps me alive.

105
00:03:53,325 --> 00:03:55,058
- You got it?
- Okay. Hey.

106
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:56,960
Can we get a doctor in here?

107
00:03:58,797 --> 00:04:01,598
I never told Tim's mom
what I really think of her.

108
00:04:02,692 --> 00:04:04,560
She is lovely.

109
00:04:04,585 --> 00:04:06,202
- She really is.
- I had all these things

110
00:04:06,204 --> 00:04:07,937
that I was gonna do and,
you know, I never even

111
00:04:07,939 --> 00:04:09,339
finished college.

112
00:04:09,341 --> 00:04:11,007
Yeah, but you got Tyler out of that.

113
00:04:11,009 --> 00:04:13,309
Yeah, I know, I know. But you
can't hang him on the wall.

114
00:04:13,311 --> 00:04:16,112
I mean, I can, but no one
would be impressed with that.

115
00:04:16,114 --> 00:04:17,679
Good news, Mrs. Hughes.

116
00:04:17,704 --> 00:04:18,937
You're not dying.

117
00:04:18,962 --> 00:04:20,450
- What?
- Looks like your symptoms

118
00:04:20,452 --> 00:04:22,418
were a result of acid reflux.

119
00:04:22,420 --> 00:04:24,400
Acid reflux?

120
00:04:24,425 --> 00:04:26,155
Probably due to the coffee you
had this morning, and the red wine

121
00:04:26,157 --> 00:04:28,157
you "hit pretty hard last night."

122
00:04:28,159 --> 00:04:30,735
Oh, yeah, yeah yeah. It
was red wine Wednesday.

123
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,762
- It was Tuesday.
- That's right. Red wine Tuesday.

124
00:04:32,764 --> 00:04:35,031
Heather, I asked you if
you ate anything weird.

125
00:04:35,033 --> 00:04:36,933
Matt, you don't eat wine.

126
00:04:36,935 --> 00:04:38,201
Well, you two are free to go,

127
00:04:38,203 --> 00:04:39,969
unless you have any other questions.

128
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:47,810
Can I throw bodily
fluids in that trash can?

129
00:04:48,151 --> 00:04:49,412
No.

130
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:52,032
- What?
- Nah. Don't worry about it.

131
00:04:54,421 --> 00:04:55,742
_

132
00:04:55,767 --> 00:04:57,287
This is so exciting.

133
00:04:57,289 --> 00:04:58,888
We have to remember this.

134
00:04:58,890 --> 00:05:00,590
Every day is full of
these different moments

135
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,592
that can change our destiny.

136
00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:04,627
You know I'm just masturbating
into this cup, right?

137
00:05:04,629 --> 00:05:06,263
- Should we take a selfie with
the sample cup? - No, no, no.

138
00:05:06,288 --> 00:05:07,688
Colleen, this actually
isn't for public...

139
00:05:07,713 --> 00:05:08,998
Yay!

140
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,797
30 minutes to get to the clinic.

141
00:05:10,822 --> 00:05:12,488
Bye.

142
00:05:31,246 --> 00:05:32,231
Hello.

143
00:05:32,285 --> 00:05:34,235
_

144
00:05:34,260 --> 00:05:36,808
Hey, Matt. Need some help here, pal.

145
00:05:36,833 --> 00:05:40,335
Um, I just got Dad back from
his colonoscopy, and, uh,

146
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,742
he's acting a little loopy.

147
00:05:43,212 --> 00:05:45,335
Why isn't this escalator moving?

148
00:05:45,337 --> 00:05:47,236
Oh. Oh, there she goes.

149
00:05:47,261 --> 00:05:48,585
So have Mom watch him.

150
00:05:48,610 --> 00:05:50,195
Well, she was so worried about Dad

151
00:05:50,220 --> 00:05:51,164
that I'm afraid that she took

152
00:05:51,189 --> 00:05:53,756
a little too much of her
anti-anxiety medicine.

153
00:05:53,781 --> 00:05:55,414
You okay, Mom?

154
00:05:57,215 --> 00:05:58,081
You'll be fine.

155
00:05:58,083 --> 00:05:59,515
Uh... I have a Skype meeting

156
00:05:59,517 --> 00:06:01,851
in five minutes with a company
that wants to buy CryTunes,

157
00:06:01,853 --> 00:06:04,187
and I don't want to
blow it, Matt. All right?

158
00:06:04,189 --> 00:06:06,756
I-I... they're gonna let
me keep my face on the box.

159
00:06:06,758 --> 00:06:09,759
Sorry, man. I got 30 minutes
to get some sperm to a clinic.

160
00:06:09,761 --> 00:06:11,828
That's my own sperm, to be clear.

161
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,363
Okay, yeah. I just need ten.

162
00:06:13,365 --> 00:06:14,731
That's all I need, all right?

163
00:06:14,733 --> 00:06:16,981
Come on. This is our mom
and dad here, all right?

164
00:06:17,006 --> 00:06:19,235
So just come on over,
throw the oven mitts on,

165
00:06:19,237 --> 00:06:21,471
and just lock 'em in the coat closet.

166
00:06:21,473 --> 00:06:22,638
Why can't you do it?

167
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,073
Because I don't want my face

168
00:06:24,075 --> 00:06:25,875
to get scratched, Matt.

169
00:06:29,781 --> 00:06:31,918
Okay. Fine.

170
00:06:36,152 --> 00:06:38,295
So now the elevator is broken, too?

171
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:41,188
Why did we even buy
this building, Joanie?

172
00:06:43,828 --> 00:06:44,892
Mom?

173
00:06:44,917 --> 00:06:47,671
Oh! There you are. Thank
you so much for your help.

174
00:06:47,696 --> 00:06:48,664
Yeah, you got ten minutes.

175
00:06:48,666 --> 00:06:50,199
I'm gonna close this deal in three.

176
00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:52,001
Hey, you can close
your deal all you want,

177
00:06:52,003 --> 00:06:54,670
but they're still gonna
get a camera up in there.

178
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,908
Well, I would be happy to
stay on board as a consultant,

179
00:06:58,910 --> 00:07:01,377
provided my face is still on that box.

180
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:03,246
Do you think you'd have time to consult?

181
00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:05,380
Oh, I am 100% dedicated

182
00:07:05,405 --> 00:07:06,449
to this product.

183
00:07:06,451 --> 00:07:09,652
I mean, it's my baby, except
one that I am willing to sell.

184
00:07:09,654 --> 00:07:12,565
You know, in fact, I can't
think of a single thing

185
00:07:12,590 --> 00:07:14,791
that would take my focus
away from this company.

186
00:07:14,793 --> 00:07:18,058
Greg, do you have any ChapStick?

187
00:07:18,083 --> 00:07:20,261
You got to wet my lips.

188
00:07:20,286 --> 00:07:21,440
Okay, Dad. Here we go.

189
00:07:21,465 --> 00:07:22,165
Here we go. Come on.

190
00:07:22,167 --> 00:07:23,299
- Here we go.
- Oh!

191
00:07:23,301 --> 00:07:24,767
You have wet lips. Kiss me.

192
00:07:24,769 --> 00:07:26,102
- Okay...
- Kiss your daddy.

193
00:07:26,104 --> 00:07:28,137
- Kiss me.
- Okay, well...

194
00:07:28,139 --> 00:07:31,407
I guess this is the uncomfortable moment

195
00:07:31,432 --> 00:07:34,010
when we start talking about money. So...

196
00:07:34,012 --> 00:07:35,311
Perhaps we should
reschedule when you have

197
00:07:35,313 --> 00:07:36,312
a bit more privacy.

198
00:07:36,314 --> 00:07:37,447
Oh, no, no. Now is fine.

199
00:07:37,449 --> 00:07:40,263
My dad is just recuperating
from a procedure.

200
00:07:40,288 --> 00:07:41,417
What about the woman?

201
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,119
Huh? Mom!

202
00:07:43,121 --> 00:07:44,620
I'm in the middle of an interview.

203
00:07:44,622 --> 00:07:45,721
Oh, did you tell them

204
00:07:45,723 --> 00:07:47,679
about your tail?

205
00:07:47,704 --> 00:07:49,700
Is she also recovering from a procedure?

206
00:07:49,725 --> 00:07:51,761
No, I just took drugs.

207
00:07:51,786 --> 00:07:53,629
Do I have something in my eye?

208
00:07:53,631 --> 00:07:55,164
- Mom. Mom.
- Okay, here we go, Mom.

209
00:07:55,166 --> 00:07:56,365
Here we go. Here we go.
Sorry about that, Greg.

210
00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,035
- Oh. Oh.
- Come on. Here we go.

211
00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:58,895
We're gonna go for a walk.

212
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,236
Very sorry about that.

213
00:08:00,238 --> 00:08:01,337
Won't happen again.

214
00:08:01,339 --> 00:08:03,856
Who put sperm in my lunch bag?

215
00:08:03,881 --> 00:08:05,274
Greggy, was that you?

216
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,827
Okay, that's it! Everybody out!

217
00:08:07,852 --> 00:08:08,744
Everyone out, right...

218
00:08:08,746 --> 00:08:10,513
Dad, that's actually mine. Can
you, um, please give it to me?

219
00:08:10,515 --> 00:08:11,681
- I need to get it to the clinic.
- What? What?

220
00:08:11,683 --> 00:08:14,712
Oh. Oh. Nobody clones my son.

221
00:08:15,393 --> 00:08:16,462
No! No!

222
00:08:19,764 --> 00:08:21,757
So, do we still have the deal?

223
00:08:26,764 --> 00:08:28,720
_

224
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,758
You know I'm just masturbating
into this cup, right?

225
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,484
- Should we take a selfie with
the sample cup? - No, no, no.

226
00:08:32,509 --> 00:08:33,734
Colleen, this actually
isn't for public...

227
00:08:33,759 --> 00:08:35,029
Yay!

228
00:08:35,031 --> 00:08:36,932
30 minutes to get to the clinic.

229
00:08:36,957 --> 00:08:38,490
Bye.

230
00:08:45,622 --> 00:08:47,025
Hello.

231
00:08:47,050 --> 00:08:48,940
May I speak with Mr.
or Mrs. Shirt, please?

232
00:08:48,965 --> 00:08:51,215
It's "Short," and no. No, not today.

233
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,347
You know what? You've called
me every single day this week.

234
00:08:53,349 --> 00:08:55,249
My own mother doesn't
even call me this much.

235
00:08:55,251 --> 00:08:56,617
Maybe that's because
your mother doesn't care

236
00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:58,652
about you overpaying for car insurance.

237
00:08:58,654 --> 00:09:00,721
I actually think that
that would bother her,

238
00:09:00,723 --> 00:09:02,189
but what I'm most
interested in is getting you

239
00:09:02,191 --> 00:09:04,091
to take me off of your call list.

240
00:09:04,093 --> 00:09:06,327
I wish I could, but my
manager won't allow that

241
00:09:06,329 --> 00:09:09,363
until you've sat through the
entire sales pitch, Mr. Shirt.

242
00:09:09,365 --> 00:09:11,565
- It's "Short."
- Yes, it'll be very short.

243
00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:14,902
And if you sign up today,

244
00:09:14,904 --> 00:09:18,172
we'll even throw in a plush doll
of our mascot, Crashy the Car.

245
00:09:18,174 --> 00:09:21,149
Okay, uh, I think I've
heard enough. Thank you.

246
00:09:21,174 --> 00:09:23,410
That's great. I'm glad
I've piqued your interest.

247
00:09:23,412 --> 00:09:26,081
No, you haven't piqued anything.
I'm just trying to get the...

248
00:09:34,567 --> 00:09:35,835
Can't see who it is.

249
00:09:35,860 --> 00:09:37,363
Should I answer?

250
00:09:37,388 --> 00:09:39,505
Yeah, it's important.

251
00:09:39,530 --> 00:09:41,829
Dr. Tim Hughes, what's the news?

252
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,498
Tim, it's Matt. Look, I'm
really sorry to be a bother,

253
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,400
but I-I've tried everyone else.

254
00:09:46,402 --> 00:09:48,769
Hey, Mattie. Sorry, brother,
I can't see the phone.

255
00:09:48,771 --> 00:09:50,070
I'm at the ophthalmologist.

256
00:09:50,072 --> 00:09:52,039
He dilated my eyes real good.

257
00:09:52,041 --> 00:09:54,632
Okay, that's great. Hey, Tim, listen...

258
00:09:54,657 --> 00:09:56,744
In every brother-in-law's
life, there comes a moment

259
00:09:56,746 --> 00:09:59,659
when he's asked for
a sperm-related favor.

260
00:10:00,245 --> 00:10:01,431
I'm listening.

261
00:10:01,456 --> 00:10:04,065
I was in a car accident.
I'm fine, but I need you

262
00:10:04,090 --> 00:10:06,591
to get my sperm sample to
the clinic in the next...

263
00:10:07,926 --> 00:10:09,623
22 minutes.

264
00:10:09,625 --> 00:10:11,025
Having listened, I'm now saying no.

265
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:12,993
Sorry, I can't legally drive a car

266
00:10:12,995 --> 00:10:15,596
for the next hour, even
if it's an emergency.

267
00:10:15,598 --> 00:10:17,631
I'll drive. I have my learner's permit.

268
00:10:17,633 --> 00:10:18,699
No, you're not ready.

269
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,067
According to the state, I am.

270
00:10:20,069 --> 00:10:21,368
What the hell does the state know?

271
00:10:21,370 --> 00:10:22,503
They gave me a medical license.

272
00:10:22,505 --> 00:10:23,771
Dad, please!

273
00:10:23,773 --> 00:10:24,772
Tim, please.

274
00:10:24,774 --> 00:10:26,094
Both of you, stop whining.

275
00:10:26,119 --> 00:10:29,024
Look, Tim, if you don't get this
sample to the clinic in time,

276
00:10:29,049 --> 00:10:31,245
there will be millions
of potential lives

277
00:10:31,247 --> 00:10:33,814
that will be on your head.
You took an oath, Tim.

278
00:10:33,816 --> 00:10:35,683
Why does everybody keep throwing

279
00:10:35,685 --> 00:10:38,304
that stupid oath in my face? Fine.

280
00:10:38,329 --> 00:10:39,486
Yes.

281
00:10:39,488 --> 00:10:42,461
Yes, but I'm gonna be
watching you like a hawk.

282
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:46,290
Nice catch.

283
00:10:49,799 --> 00:10:50,831
- Whoa.
- What?

284
00:10:50,833 --> 00:10:52,933
Oh. Thought I saw something.

285
00:10:52,935 --> 00:10:53,968
You can't see anything.

286
00:10:53,970 --> 00:10:55,502
I can make out shapes.

287
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,207
Sorry. Forgot I turned
the seat heater on.

288
00:11:00,209 --> 00:11:02,243
I thought I wet myself.

289
00:11:07,906 --> 00:11:09,414
What took you guys so long?

290
00:11:09,439 --> 00:11:11,151
Dad won't let me drive
like a normal person.

291
00:11:11,153 --> 00:11:12,353
He's being insane.

292
00:11:12,355 --> 00:11:13,797
I'm the one who's being insane?

293
00:11:13,822 --> 00:11:15,389
You're the one who drove
through a family of ducks

294
00:11:15,391 --> 00:11:16,690
on the way over here.

295
00:11:16,692 --> 00:11:18,259
That was an old box of muffins.

296
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:20,094
Now it's a box of dead muffins, Sam.

297
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:20,896
Guys!

298
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,325
If you don't get this to the clinic

299
00:11:22,350 --> 00:11:23,450
in the next seven minutes,

300
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:26,548
the future of my family
will die in a plastic cup.

301
00:11:26,573 --> 00:11:27,334
I can make it.

302
00:11:27,336 --> 00:11:28,402
No, she can't.

303
00:11:28,404 --> 00:11:30,408
I got a learner's permit to learn.

304
00:11:30,433 --> 00:11:31,798
If you're not gonna teach me,

305
00:11:31,823 --> 00:11:33,893
I guess I'll just have to teach myself.

306
00:11:34,448 --> 00:11:36,243
Six minutes. I believe in you, Sam.

307
00:11:37,546 --> 00:11:40,848
Samantha. Don't do anything crazy.

308
00:11:40,850 --> 00:11:44,618
Put your glasses back on,
Dad. I'm in charge now.

309
00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,100
Son of a bitch, you're
actually doing it.

310
00:11:54,357 --> 00:11:55,819
Oops.

311
00:11:55,865 --> 00:11:57,731
What do you mean "oops"? More muffins?

312
00:11:57,733 --> 00:12:00,286
Yeah. Muffins.

313
00:12:00,311 --> 00:12:02,970
Well, just stop next time.
I can get out and get 'em.

314
00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:06,151
Ooh, look at that space.

315
00:12:06,176 --> 00:12:06,940
Easy!

316
00:12:06,942 --> 00:12:08,653
Don't worry. I got this.

317
00:12:09,176 --> 00:12:10,511
Great job, Sam.

318
00:12:10,513 --> 00:12:12,613
We made it with time to spare.

319
00:12:12,615 --> 00:12:14,648
Let's get Uncle Matt's
blood to the doctor.

320
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,150
Hey.

321
00:12:16,175 --> 00:12:18,017
It's time I start treating
you like more of an adult,

322
00:12:18,042 --> 00:12:18,971
so you need to know

323
00:12:18,996 --> 00:12:21,155
that's not Uncle Matt's
blood sample in the bag.

324
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,489
Then what is it?

325
00:12:23,420 --> 00:12:27,327
It's his, uh... man sample.

326
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:29,596
Ew! Oh, my God.

327
00:12:29,598 --> 00:12:31,245
All right. Look, it...

328
00:12:31,270 --> 00:12:32,933
- Oh, no.
- What?

329
00:12:32,935 --> 00:12:34,901
I left the seat heater on.

330
00:12:34,926 --> 00:12:36,470
Is that bad?

331
00:12:36,731 --> 00:12:40,229
You remember when I cranked up
the heat on Sophia's fish tank?

332
00:12:40,254 --> 00:12:42,276
Oh, yeah.

333
00:12:42,574 --> 00:12:44,783
Too bad we can't replace
it without him knowing.

334
00:12:44,808 --> 00:12:46,674
Yeah, this batter is toast.

335
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:51,190
But you know what? We can
still go get ice cream.

336
00:12:51,215 --> 00:12:54,249
Yeah! Hurry up! They
close in 30 minutes.

337
00:12:59,013 --> 00:13:00,881
_

338
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,347
You know I'm just masturbating
into this cup, right?

339
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:05,383
30 minutes to get to the clinic.

340
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:06,584
Bye!

341
00:13:14,986 --> 00:13:16,186
Hello.

342
00:13:16,211 --> 00:13:18,696
- Hi!
- Don't worry, it's done.

343
00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:20,131
The score is officially

344
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,466
Matt one, little tiny cup... two.

345
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,435
Th-There were some stops and starts.

346
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:27,672
Well, I'm just calling because I
think I maybe left the stove on.

347
00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:30,775
Sorry, these fertility drugs
are really messing with my head.

348
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:33,775
Dang it! My wisdom
tooth grew back in again.

349
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:34,999
The stove is not on.

350
00:13:35,024 --> 00:13:36,689
Okay, great. Is the curling iron off?

351
00:13:36,714 --> 00:13:38,349
Uh... You know what?

352
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:39,584
I'm actually kind of working on

353
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:42,086
a little bit of a
schedule here, uh, Colleen.

354
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:44,021
Are you sure you left
the curling iron on? Or...

355
00:13:44,023 --> 00:13:45,189
Yes, for sure.

356
00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:48,492
Maybe. Probably not,
but can you check anyway?

357
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:49,760
See? This is a fun preview

358
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:51,128
of what it's gonna be
like when I'm pregnant.

359
00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:52,363
- Oh, good.
- Wait, wait, wait.

360
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,920
Matt, how does the sample look?

361
00:13:53,945 --> 00:13:55,566
Does it look like they're
gonna be good babies?

362
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:57,635
Yes, Colleen, they all look
like they're gonna be the best.

363
00:13:57,637 --> 00:13:58,736
I know the answer's gonna be no,

364
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:00,938
but will you please
take a picture for Mommy?

365
00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:02,139
No.

366
00:14:02,141 --> 00:14:05,576
I'm off to work, Matt.
Don't touch my stuff.

367
00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:30,935
Uh, Dougie, please tell me
there's a PG-rated reason

368
00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:33,304
you're squatting behind that plant.

369
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:34,351
I'm hiding.

370
00:14:34,376 --> 00:14:37,375
Someone's stealing my lunch
and I'm gonna find out who.

371
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,411
You know what? Someone
stole my yogurt last week,

372
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:42,046
and it really pissed me off.

373
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:44,215
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

374
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,617
I'm gonna bring this
lunch thief to his knees!

375
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:47,718
Uh-huh.

376
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,121
I know everyone
underestimates me around here

377
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:52,924
'cause I'm just a dumb paralegal.

378
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:55,993
Aw, Dougie, you're not
dumb. You're a paralegal?

379
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,662
Well, I ain't just a pair of legs.

380
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,130
What do you think I'm doing here?

381
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,131
Uh, I don't know.

382
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,985
I thought you just kind of hung out here

383
00:15:02,010 --> 00:15:03,367
'cause your dad's a partner

384
00:15:03,369 --> 00:15:05,303
and it's downhill from your apartment.

385
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,075
Hello.

386
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,344
Matt, I need you to bring me my spy cam.

387
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,396
Oh, and I think I left
the curling iron on.

388
00:15:15,421 --> 00:15:19,156
Hey, don't tell anyone
this isn't natural.

389
00:15:19,181 --> 00:15:21,285
Yeah, uh... I'm not at
home anymore, Dougie,

390
00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:22,987
and I don't where your spy cam is.

391
00:15:22,989 --> 00:15:25,790
Of course you do. It's the
red light on your ceiling fan.

392
00:15:26,255 --> 00:15:28,292
You put a spy cam in my room?

393
00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:29,509
Don't bitch at me.

394
00:15:29,534 --> 00:15:32,296
I'm not asking you to get
the one out of the bathroom.

395
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:33,297
What?

396
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:34,765
Oh, please, Matt.

397
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:38,235
You've been performing for me
in there, and we both know it.

398
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:43,040
Your brother-in-law
is a real prude douche.

399
00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:44,475
You know what, Dougie?

400
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:46,444
I think you're smarter
than a lot of people

401
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:49,647
give you credit for, and I
bet, if you put your mind to it,

402
00:15:50,078 --> 00:15:52,475
you could figure out
who stole your lunch.

403
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,251
Interesting thing is, Jen,

404
00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:58,242
I never said anything about
someone stealing my lunch.

405
00:15:58,742 --> 00:16:01,202
It was literally the
first thing you said to me.

406
00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:03,367
Okay, one suspect down.

407
00:16:03,392 --> 00:16:04,929
Unless...

408
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,365
Don't have a twin.

409
00:16:06,390 --> 00:16:07,598
Yeah.

410
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,533
Listen, I have a lot of work to do.

411
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:10,868
I would love to help you, but...

412
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,970
- Oh, that's perfect.
- Hmm?

413
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,415
You're like the only
friend I have around here.

414
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,961
I... There's this one weird
guy that talks to me at lunch,

415
00:16:17,986 --> 00:16:20,641
but other than that, it's you.

416
00:16:21,102 --> 00:16:24,529
Yeah, sure, sure. Let's,
uh... let's find this thief.

417
00:16:24,554 --> 00:16:27,151
We're gonna do this. We're
gonna find out who it is.

418
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,153
- Yeah.
- Then I'm gonna crush him!

419
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:33,391
I'm gonna shove my fist up his rectum

420
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:34,358
and ask him,

421
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,925
"Did you like that turkey sandwich?"

422
00:16:36,950 --> 00:16:38,863
- Okay...
- "Was it worth it?"

423
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:42,533
I-I-I'm with you 100%
until that graphic violence.

424
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:43,768
Okay.

425
00:16:52,247 --> 00:16:55,713
We have narrowed it down to the
12 lawyers who bring their lunch

426
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,269
because they're too cheap to go out.

427
00:16:57,294 --> 00:16:59,650
Okay, well, it can't Feinberg or Mellman

428
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:01,370
because they're lactose-intolerant

429
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,788
and my lunch on Tuesday
was a flight of ice cream.

430
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:06,057
All right, that's a good start.
Who else can you eliminate?

431
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:08,261
Andy. He hasn't showed up
to work in, like, a month.

432
00:17:08,286 --> 00:17:10,561
I've been parking in his spot.

433
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:13,166
Well, maybe that letter he
told me to forward to everybody

434
00:17:13,191 --> 00:17:15,332
wasn't an April Fools' joke.

435
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:16,834
You're saying he's dead?

436
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:19,444
Okay, we'll circle back to that.

437
00:17:19,446 --> 00:17:23,282
Who on this list do
you think is most likely

438
00:17:23,284 --> 00:17:25,117
to have his hands on your lunch?

439
00:17:29,469 --> 00:17:32,291
Ta-da! I made it.

440
00:17:32,893 --> 00:17:34,526
Not that. I made it here.

441
00:17:34,528 --> 00:17:38,410
I mean, I did make that, too,
to be clear. Hi, I'm Matt Short.

442
00:17:39,133 --> 00:17:40,985
Right, in your line of
work you probably don't like

443
00:17:41,010 --> 00:17:43,802
to shake hands with
the customers you meet.

444
00:17:43,804 --> 00:17:46,305
- Dougie.
- I don't know who took it.

445
00:17:46,307 --> 00:17:48,073
Oh, come on, Dougie, focus.

446
00:17:48,075 --> 00:17:50,509
I'm doing my best, you crabby bitch!

447
00:17:52,407 --> 00:17:53,545
I'm so sorry.

448
00:17:54,415 --> 00:17:56,214
I get really cranky when I'm hungry.

449
00:17:56,216 --> 00:17:57,582
I have low blood sugar.

450
00:17:57,584 --> 00:18:00,619
Oh, that's good. I'm gonna
start using that excuse, too.

451
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,220
It's true. I get it from my dad.

452
00:18:02,222 --> 00:18:05,190
He can be a real S.O.B.
when he gets peckish.

453
00:18:05,192 --> 00:18:07,057
But you wouldn't know
anything about that, would you,

454
00:18:07,082 --> 00:18:09,027
you soulless vampire?!

455
00:18:09,029 --> 00:18:10,462
No, no, no, no, no. Dougie.

456
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:11,930
- Listen to me. Listen to me.
- I'm gonna faint.

457
00:18:11,932 --> 00:18:14,982
Your dad has low blood sugar

458
00:18:15,007 --> 00:18:17,336
and he packs his lunch every day.

459
00:18:17,338 --> 00:18:19,338
And he has my last name.

460
00:18:19,340 --> 00:18:21,006
I bet he's taking it on accident.

461
00:18:21,008 --> 00:18:21,820
Mm-hmm.

462
00:18:21,845 --> 00:18:23,036
Or on purpose,

463
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:25,410
like he did with my Christmas
presents when I was a kid.

464
00:18:25,435 --> 00:18:27,028
Oh, Dougie. You know what?

465
00:18:27,053 --> 00:18:30,058
You are just as smart
as any lawyer here.

466
00:18:30,083 --> 00:18:32,253
And you work super slowly,

467
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,919
which is how we bill so many hours.

468
00:18:33,921 --> 00:18:35,411
Aw.

469
00:18:35,436 --> 00:18:39,658
Jen, I... I would hug you,
but once I hit that gas,

470
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,159
I don't know how to put the brakes on.

471
00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:43,520
Oh, well, Dougie, where we're
going, we don't need brakes.

472
00:18:43,545 --> 00:18:44,834
- Ooh.
- No. No, I just mean,

473
00:18:44,859 --> 00:18:46,732
'cause we're just gonna
do, like, a back pat.

474
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,834
That feels nice. Well, you
know, I'm gonna take my chances.

475
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,502
Ah, take your chances.

476
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:53,171
- Oh, my God! My booby trap!
- Booby trap?

477
00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:55,707
I got to get to my lunch
bag before my dad does.

478
00:18:55,709 --> 00:18:56,908
What?

479
00:18:58,995 --> 00:19:01,213
Dad, stop!

480
00:19:01,215 --> 00:19:02,214
Huh?

481
00:19:03,126 --> 00:19:05,296
Oh, thank goodness.

482
00:19:05,321 --> 00:19:07,019
It didn't go off.

483
00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:08,553
What didn't go off?

484
00:19:08,555 --> 00:19:11,014
- Nothing. Enjoy your lunch, Dad.
- Yeah.

485
00:19:11,039 --> 00:19:12,038
Huh.

486
00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:15,796
Love your tie. Always love your ties.

487
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:18,830
Huh?

488
00:19:18,832 --> 00:19:20,332
Did you write your
name on your specimen?

489
00:19:20,334 --> 00:19:23,468
Ah, good call. I did not.
Can I borrow a pen, please?

490
00:19:27,762 --> 00:19:29,441
Congratulations, it's a boy.

491
00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:37,434
_

492
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,910
We have to remember this.

493
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:41,246
Every day is full of different moments

494
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,063
that can change your destiny.

495
00:19:43,065 --> 00:19:45,299
You know I'm just
masturbating into a cup, right?

496
00:19:45,301 --> 00:19:46,418
- Uh-huh.
- Okay.

497
00:19:46,443 --> 00:19:47,935
Are you sure you don't
want to do it at home?

498
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:49,236
You know, I thought about it,

499
00:19:49,238 --> 00:19:51,038
a lot can happen in 30
minutes. Why risk it?

500
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,718
Oh, thank you so much, sweetie.

501
00:19:52,743 --> 00:19:53,663
Yeah.

502
00:19:53,688 --> 00:19:55,687
I am so excited that we're doing this.

503
00:19:55,712 --> 00:19:57,177
Mr. Short.

504
00:19:58,069 --> 00:19:58,979
Go get 'em.

505
00:19:58,981 --> 00:20:00,547
Okay.

506
00:20:04,940 --> 00:20:07,947
We've got a room for you
right here, Mr. Short.

507
00:20:07,972 --> 00:20:09,705
You can take all the time you need.

508
00:20:10,559 --> 00:20:12,192
Someone's in here.

509
00:20:13,195 --> 00:20:15,195
Do you want to wait or
go to a different room?

510
00:20:15,197 --> 00:20:17,197
I want you to close the door.

511
00:20:18,500 --> 00:20:19,967
Thank you.

512
00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:21,366
So we wait.

513
00:20:21,835 --> 00:20:26,835
Synced and corrected by Octavia
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