Hey, Matt.
Got your email with the report. Thanks so much for sending.
Question: did you CC John on that?
Uh, yes. I believe I did.
Oh, that's interesting, 'cause I'm looking
at that email right now, and you didn't.
Oh.
You BCC'd me.
Oh. Uh...
You still got the email then, right?
- I did. - Look.
I know you're new around here, so I just want to
make sure that you understand the email protocol.
You always CC both John and I on all work emails,
'cause if you BCC him, then I can't check
to make sure that you CC'd him, hmm?
Got it.
- I made a mistake. - Great.
Question: why did you make that mistake?
Um...
I guess I'm a little tired this morning.
- Aww, gosh. - Uh-huh.
Why are you so tired?
I have anxiety that sometimes keeps me up at night.
What causes this anxiety?
I guess sometimes I feel like this can be
sort of a confrontational work environment.
Hey, bud, Hampton DeVille encourages
aggressive confrontational criticism.
Why don't you like confrontation?
Defend your position.
Oh. Uh...
No, I mean, I think confrontation is a good thing.
It's just sometimes confrontation
hurts my job performance
and damages my personal wellbeing.
Uh-oh; well, if you can't
manage your emotions, Matt,
what makes you think you're qualified
to manage people at this company?
Honestly, I don't know.
Oh.
I never really saw myself here.
I mean, after college, I volunteered for a program
teaching underprivileged kids because I wanted to help people,
but then one of the students stabbed me,
and the school was pretty dirty
and I just realized I wasn't cut out for it.
So I moved back in with my parents,
which, I'm pretty sure led to them getting a divorce,
because that's what they told me happened.
Then I worked a series of jobs that eventually landed me here,
where I'm just a cog
in a soulless corporate machine, and I'm not...
Okay, well, just make sure that you CC
both John and I on all work emails.
It's a simple mistake,
but it's just important to follow protocol.
Yes.
Jake, question:
why do you think it's okay
to come in to work with your shirt untucked?
Because life is meaningless, and nothing we do matters.
Okay, great.
- Have a great day, you two. - Thanks, guys.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
Hampton DeVille has emerged as one of the largest,
most profitable corporations in the world,
with over 300,000 employees internationally,
their footprint stretches across the globe.
Under the leadership of their CEO Christian DeVille,
they've become market leaders in everything
from agricultural goods to pharmaceuticals,
from household appliances to industrial weaponry.
You've probably heard their slogan.
Hampton DeVille: we make everything.
But now they are attempting to muscle their way
up the highly competitive tech industry.
Today marks the launch of the Obelisk,
Hampton DeVille's touch screen tablet
which boasts a screen
eight times the size of the iPad.
But that launch may be in jeopardy
after an insensitive tweet was sent out
from Hampton DeVille's twitter account earlier today.
As Hurricane Letisha continues to devastate the Gulf Coast,
Hampton DeVille tweeted,
"Was your house blown away by Hurricane Letisha?
"Pick up the Obelisk to follow hurricane news.
You'll be blown away by the size."
In response to the offensive tweet,
the Internet is calling for a boycott of the Obelisk.
Do you think we're gonna get to eat anything today?
Don't count on it.
There's a rigid food hierarchy here.
Executives get first pick, then junior executives,
then us, the junior executives in training.
$500 billion corporation.
and they never have enough bagels for everyone.
Why didn't you eat breakfast before work?
I didn't have time.
I hit the snooze button 15 times this morning,
which is a new record that I'm actually kind of proud of.
Did you eat anything?
No.
I'm trying to watch my figure.
I want to have a hot body
'cause I'm tired of developing my personality.
Yeah, I've been there.
Yum.
I love eclairs.
Oh, my God. This is so good.
I'm gonna take two.
Aggressive.
Confident.
I like that you're not afraid to take what you want.
Damn it. There's only two bagels left.
Whoa, have you seen this tweet the company sent out?
The Internet is freaking out about it.
"You'll be blown away by the size"?
Jesus Christ.
We're living inside of a nightmare.
Why in the [Bleep]
is everyone standing around eating bagels
while we are being crucified on the Internet?
Spit out those bagels! We have work to do!
No!
Sorry.
Everyone in this room,
look to your left.
Now...
look to your right.
100% of those people
are ruining my [Bleep] day.
Look, that one over there's still good.
I'm gonna get it after the meeting.
Yeah, but there's no cream cheese.
On the wall over there.
Into developing the Obelisk,
and now its success is being threatened
by a [Bleep] tweet.
[Bleep] you.
I wish I could be more like Christian.
Why? He acts like a complete psychopath
and nobody stands up to him.
Exactly.
He fought his way to the top,
and now he gets to treat people
like they're his personal service dogs.
If I ever get to the top, I'm gonna at least
make sure everyone gets a goddamn bagel.
Don't worry.
You'll be corrupted by power.
That's part of growing up.
I want to tell you a story.
It's about a shepherd.
One day, he lost his entire flock.
I mean, every single sheep took off
except one.
So there he is, out in the middle
of this open field with just one sheep,
and what do you think he did?
He pulled out a gun, and he blew its brains out.
Then he went out and got himself a real job,
because being a shepherd
pays shit.
Well, people, that ain't me.
Because we are in cattle country,
and I am Ben Cartwright,
and this is [Bleep] "Bonanza!"
So how bad is this?
We ran the numbers, and more people are outraged
about the tweet than they are about the hurricane.
Comparatively, people like the hurricane
more than they like the tweet.
Jesus Christ.
We have got to distract people from this tweet.
So what are our options?
Can we start a different hurricane?
Have we finished building that hurricane machine yet?
Uh...
Sir, I...
I believe I speak for everyone...
Bruce?
When I say we thought you were joking
when you asked us to do that.
I would never joke about hurricanes.
That's what got us into this mess.
Does it ever bother you
that the corporation we work for is, like, evil?
Every corporation is evil.
- At least we get health benefits. - Yeah.
Wait. You get health benefits?
Sir,
they're turning you into a meme on the Internet.
We'll see who has a small penis
once I have my hurricane machine.
And you two need to find out who wrote that tweet and fire them.
We're on top of it, sir.
We will handle it personally.
You two need to find out
who wrote that tweet and fire them.
Thought you guys said you would do it.
Telling you to do it is doing it.
Yeah, you guys should be excited.
We want to use you as our tools in this situation.
Yes, think of yourself as tools.
You guys are tools.
I don't know if I can fire someone.
I hate confrontation.
When I first met my brother-in-law,
he thought my name was Mark, and I never corrected him.
So now I just don't go to Thanksgiving anymore.
Dude, you don't get it. This is big.
Getting to fire someone
is like when a mafia don sends you on your first hit.
- It means we're in. - What if I don't want to do it?
Then we get whacked.
I think if I was in the mafia,
I would just be the guy
who stayed home and made spaghetti.
This is the first time in five years of working here
that I've been given any sort of power.
And I'm going to abuse it for all that it's worth.
Can I tell you something else?
The idea of firing someone kind of turns me on.
- Your sexuality worries me. - Me too.
I don't understand the porn I'm into these days.
Jake, please don't tell me what kind of porn you watch.
Tentacle porn?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've watched that.
But honestly, nowadays, my ideal porn
would just be all of my ex-girlfriends
saying sorry to me at the same time.
That already exists. It's called apology bukaki.
Hey, Grace.
Hi, guys. What's up?
We need to know who runs the Hampton DeVille twitter account.
Okay.
Looks like that would be Baron.
He's our social media "guru."
Wait. Is this about that tweet?
Yeah, John and Kate said we have to fire whoever wrote it.
They're finally letting you guys fire someone?
Congratulations.
Who's gonna pull the trigger?
I am.
He's just gonna watch.
Look at these people.
Is everyone at this company clinically depressed?
Everyone here is hanging by a thread.
They could snap at any moment.
These were all children once.
Happy, innocent children.
And now look at them. How did this happen?
They're all just trying to fill the void.
The void?
You know,
the emptiness that exists inside all of us.
Oh, right. Of course.
The void.
Watch this.
I'm gonna take this guy out.
Hey, Baron.
Listen up.
We know you wrote that tweet.
You're a bad employee, an even worse person,
and even bigger loser.
Your only job is to tweet,
yet you still managed to ruin the reputation
of the entire company, so guess what.
You're fired.
What's your name?
Jake Levinson.
You know what's cool about the Internet, Jake Levinson?
It keeps a record of pretty much everything
you ever say or do.
For example, I just found this video
of the punk band you sang for in college.
Oh, no.
? Don't get a job, fight the government ?
? Steal from the rich, punch the president ?
And what's your name?
I'm not going to tell you, because I never figured out
how to deactivate my LiveJournal from high school.
Listen up, you spineless yuppies!
I [Bleep] own the Internet.
You remember that, uh, Egyptian revolution in 2011?
I started that shit with a single hashtag.
I can't point Egypt out on a map,
but I toppled a dictatorship that ruled for decades
because I was bored.
So don't come in here
pretending like you're in control of me.
[Bleep] you, Mom!
I'm a social media guru.
And you will bow down before me.
Also I didn't tweet it.
It was Richard.
I will not be a slave to the corporate system.
Hi, Richard, I'm Matt. This is Jake.
We're junior executives in training.
Whoa, executives?
That's cool.
Yes, it is cool.
So, Richard, we understand you're in charge
of the Hampton DeVille twitter account.
Yep. I get paid to tweet all day.
My job's awesome.
So then you tweeted the blown away tweet.
Yeah, it seems like people are really upset about it,
but I think it's really clever, 'cause, see, like,
people were blown away by Hurricane Letisha,
and I said, "blown away by the size."
It's a pun.
People just don't get it.
No, I think everyone got it.
Speaking of getting it,
you might want to bite down on that fork,
because what I'm about to say is gonna hurt.
Hold on a second.
Where are you getting all of that cake from?
Oh, you guys want to see something cool?
I don't know if you're interested,
but I keep track of all the cakes in the building.
Today's a big one: 19 cakes.
We can hit 'em all, but we gotta move fast.
You guys hungry?
First, we'll hit Ron's 53rd birthday, floor 67.
Congrats! Come on in.
This is Jake and Matt. We're here for some cake.
Mmm!
Then Tina's baby shower.
So who's the father? Do you know who the father is?
Then Bill Peterson's successful
gastric bypass surgery, floor 11.
I love your hair. You look fantastic.
Oh, my God, this is the best thing I've ever tasted.
Just a few more parties, then we have to fire him.
Colin, Michael, Jessica, Erin.
Jessica, Erin, Colleen...
You're not Colleen, obviously. You're a man.
Happy [Bleep] birthday!
- Whoo! - Richard's great.
This company would be better if more people were like him.
He's just filling his void with sugar.
He clearly has an eating disorder.
Let's do shots.
I love you, Richard.
I love this guy.
I know we work for a big corporation,
but it's not that bad.
The people here are great.
Feels like a family.
- And we got health benefits. - Yeah.
Wait, you get health benefits?
So where are we going next?
Next we're gonna go to the bathroom,
because I have to throw up.
God, I feel like garbage.
I can't party the way I used to.
Matt. Jake.
The fact that you're sitting around covered in cake frosting
means you must have found the person
responsible for that tweet and fired them.
So, who was it?
Well, uh, we have some great news.
We found the guy responsible for the tweet,
and he's a great guy.
We totally lectured him about
how it's bad that he did that,
so now he knows not to do it again.
And anyway, we like him a lot, and we think he's a total pro.
Phew! Let me tell you something.
Best thing about cake,
it tastes just as good coming back up.
Oh, I should tweet that.
Oh! Hi, I'm Richard.
Hey, Richard. We're executives.
Wow. More executives.
This is cool.
Yes, it is cool.
Question: did you write that blown away tweet?
Yeah. That was me.
- Whoops. - Okay, great.
You're fired.
Please report to HR immediately.
What?
And you two, question.
How could you do this to us?
We used you as our tools,
and this is how you repay us?
We'll deal with you later.
But in the meantime,
I suggest you start working on your résumés.
This is company property.
Well, that's it. We're dead.
So, wait.
You guys knew I was getting fired,
and you used me to get cake?
No, Richard, it's not like that.
If it were up to us, you'd get to keep your job.
Yeah, but it's not up to you.
You guys are just tools.
Exactly. We're tools.
So [Bleep] you.
[Bleep] all of you!
You're all just corporate drones!
[Bleep] Hampton DeVille!
[Bleep] the Internet!
And [Bleep] birthdays!
[Bleep] your meeting!
[Bleep] you, Angela!
Do you think Richard's okay?
How can you think about other people at a time like this?
Maybe getting fired is a good thing.
I could finally pursue my dream
of starting my own craft brewery.
Or just go to law school.
Applying to law school in your late 20s
is a major sign of depression.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
Working here was my plan B, and now I'm getting fired,
so I guess it's time for plan C.
Suicide?
Yes. You already knew.
That's why we're friends.
Hey, guys, did you fire Richard?
'Cause he never showed up to HR.
There is an Internet campaign
to boycott all Hampton DeVille products
unless you apologize for the tweet.
Will you apologize?
Look, I refuse to negotiate with the Internet.
That tweet was the act of one rogue employee.
And I would like to state for the record
that I love hurricane victims,
and anyone who knows me can verify...
Excuse me, Christian, I'm gonna have to interrupt you.
We're getting a breaking tweet.
A new tweet has been issued from Hampton DeVille...
Ugh, Richard's not here.
"My name is Richard.
"I wrote the blown away tweet, got fired,
"and now I'm going to kill myself
by being blown away off of a building."
Oh, my God, Richard's gonna kill himself.
He stole my idea.
Jake, we have to help him.
Ugh. Fine.
Richard, question.
Why are you doing this?
Because I don't have any friends!
So I go to birthday parties of people I don't even know
and binge eat to try to fill
the bottomless void of loneliness inside me.
Okay!
Great.
Thanks.
Thanks for agreeing to help us, Baron.
I'm not doing this for you, assholes.
I'm doing this for Richard,
because he gives me cake.
So really I'm doing it for me.
So here's what I think you should tweet.
Stop.
You wouldn't tell Shakespeare how to write a sonnet,
and you don't tell a social media guru
how to get a hashtag trending, okay?
So step back.
It's beautiful.
It's in the Internet's hands now.
Richard, I know where you're coming from.
I was wait-listed at Yale.
But then I got in.
We have a plan. Let us talk to Richard.
Give us a chance to prove that we can be your tools.
That's actually a really good idea.
When he jumps, we'll just pin the blame on you.
Richard, don't do this.
Yeah, Richard, don't jump or whatever.
Just stay back!
I'm gonna kill myself.
Richard, we all want to kill ourselves.
But you can't.
Because the Internet cares about you.
The top trending hashtag on twitter right now
is "Save Richard."
Really?
It's actually second under hashtag
"You know you're single when."
Shut up.
Richard, all across the world,
millions of faceless, nameless strangers
who will forget about you tomorrow want you to live.
They care about you, Richard.
Also we brought cake.
What kind of cake?
Richard, shut up and come down!
Okay!
I'm coming down!
Holy shit.
Someone finally listened to me.
And then I personally stepped in
and saved one of our most valued employees, Richard,
who I'm happy to welcome back to the Hampton DeVille family.
And as a gesture of sympathy for the victims
of Hurricane Letisha, who we love dearly,
we will be offering 10% off the Obelisk
to anyone who can prove
their home was destroyed in the hurricane.
Good news.
We just got word that this controversy
increased brand awareness
and boosted sales of the Obelisk by 4%.
Great job, you two.
Well, Matt, you did it. You saved Richard.
I didn't save him.
All I did was tell Baron to do it.
Matt, telling Baron to do it was doing it.
Oh, my God.
You're right.
We saved Richard.
Wait about a week for this to blow over
and fire Richard again.
I don't want that cake feaster working here.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault we broke up, not yours.
You're a great guy.
Everyone likes you.
I made a mistake by leaving you.
- I'm sorry. - I'm so sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Can you give us a sense of what the people
in the path of the hurricane are feeling right now?
Karen, it is absolute mayhem down here.
Everyone is really upset about Hampton DeVille's tweet.
It's all anyone can talk about.