1 00:00:10,796 --> 00:00:15,196 www.subtitulamos.tv 2 00:01:22,396 --> 00:01:26,035 - I wondered if you were going to turn up. - Sorry, Tommy. 3 00:01:26,036 --> 00:01:27,595 You know what I'm like with time. 4 00:01:27,596 --> 00:01:30,635 It's always half past my left freckle. 5 00:01:30,636 --> 00:01:32,315 What's all this? 6 00:01:32,316 --> 00:01:35,595 I just wanted to get a few extra bits and pieces. 7 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,435 I thought, if we had some funny props, 8 00:01:37,436 --> 00:01:38,675 that it might inspire us. 9 00:01:38,676 --> 00:01:40,675 You know, like we used to, back in the day. 10 00:01:40,676 --> 00:01:43,475 Novelty items and whatnot. 11 00:01:43,476 --> 00:01:45,396 This was such a bad idea. 12 00:01:49,516 --> 00:01:53,195 It's just, I had to get rid of a lot of the old props. 13 00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,995 I kept them for years, all boxed up in my mother's back bedroom, 14 00:01:55,996 --> 00:02:01,195 but then she passed and I had to chuck them all in an old skip. 15 00:02:01,196 --> 00:02:02,995 Hey, that could be a bit, couldn't it? 16 00:02:02,996 --> 00:02:04,755 What do people do with their old skips? 17 00:02:04,756 --> 00:02:06,675 Where do they dump them? 18 00:02:06,676 --> 00:02:10,196 Sorry. Sorry, I'm babbling. 19 00:02:11,476 --> 00:02:15,995 - It's good to see you, Tommy. - People call me Thomas now. 20 00:02:15,996 --> 00:02:20,835 - I haven't been Tommy for 30 years. - Well, you look well. 21 00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:24,555 What do we do? Do we hug, shake hands, rub noses? 22 00:02:24,556 --> 00:02:27,916 Let's just get on with it, shall we? I haven't got long. 23 00:02:29,956 --> 00:02:34,675 OK. What do you want to do first? Shall we try the interview sketch? 24 00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:37,875 "Ease ourselves in gently," as the bishop said to the choirboy? 25 00:02:37,876 --> 00:02:39,436 If you wish, yes. 26 00:02:41,316 --> 00:02:44,596 I hope I remember it all. I think I have it. 27 00:02:48,036 --> 00:02:50,476 I listen to the albums from time to time. 28 00:02:52,796 --> 00:02:54,675 I still have VHSs of all the telly stuff, 29 00:02:54,676 --> 00:02:55,996 but I can't play 'em. 30 00:02:58,796 --> 00:03:00,635 Hey, did you ever hear anything back 31 00:03:00,636 --> 00:03:02,595 from those lads who wanted to bring out a DVD? 32 00:03:02,596 --> 00:03:05,236 - No. Are you ready? - One sec. 33 00:03:09,956 --> 00:03:12,995 - And no looking out at the audience. - What do you mean? 34 00:03:12,996 --> 00:03:14,915 You know what I mean. You always used to do it. 35 00:03:14,916 --> 00:03:17,995 - Mugging to the front row. - No, I never. - You did! 36 00:03:17,996 --> 00:03:19,355 Especially if I had a funny line. 37 00:03:19,356 --> 00:03:22,195 You'd look out and take it, as if you'd earned the laugh. Don't. 38 00:03:22,196 --> 00:03:24,075 - Pisses me off. - I don't think I do that. 39 00:03:24,076 --> 00:03:28,115 - Right, well, next time you do it, I'll click my fingers and you'll see, all ri - OK, fine. 40 00:03:28,116 --> 00:03:30,276 - Good to see you, too. - Start. 41 00:03:37,716 --> 00:03:38,956 Sorry. 42 00:03:40,956 --> 00:03:42,396 Come in. 43 00:03:45,956 --> 00:03:47,875 Hello. I'm here for the interview. 44 00:03:47,876 --> 00:03:49,875 Ah, yes. Would you like to take a seat? 45 00:03:49,876 --> 00:03:52,155 Nah, you're all right. I've got some at home. 46 00:03:52,156 --> 00:03:55,356 - No, no, I mean would you like to sit down? - Oh, yes. Thank you. 47 00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:59,835 - Ooh. - So, you found us all right? - Yes. 48 00:03:59,836 --> 00:04:01,755 Your map was extremely comprehensive. 49 00:04:01,756 --> 00:04:04,636 Like your education, I see. HE CHUCKLES. 50 00:04:05,836 --> 00:04:10,755 - All right, you don't have to do it every time. - I do. My laugh. 51 00:04:10,756 --> 00:04:13,475 So, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mr Kirk. 52 00:04:13,476 --> 00:04:16,635 - Och, Mr Kirk. - Is that a wee Scots name, Jimmy? 53 00:04:16,636 --> 00:04:19,715 No, I don't think so. As a matter of fact, my father was born in Ireland. 54 00:04:19,716 --> 00:04:21,515 Ah, the Emerald Isle. 55 00:04:21,516 --> 00:04:23,435 They've got leprechauns and Guinness, 56 00:04:23,436 --> 00:04:24,875 to be sure, to be sure. 57 00:04:24,876 --> 00:04:26,475 So, the company is based in Leeds... 58 00:04:26,476 --> 00:04:28,875 Nay, lad! Ee, bah gum and ecky thump! 59 00:04:28,876 --> 00:04:30,755 - ..working closely with... - Harry Ramsden's! 60 00:04:30,756 --> 00:04:32,315 Best chips in th'all of Yorkshire. 61 00:04:32,316 --> 00:04:33,635 ..the Sony Corporation... 62 00:04:33,636 --> 00:04:36,075 Ah, so, number one son. 63 00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:39,395 - ..exporting to India... INDIAN ACCENT: - Cor blimey, mister! 10,000 apologies. 64 00:04:39,396 --> 00:04:41,395 - ..via Buckingham. POSH ACCENT: - Oh, I say! 65 00:04:41,396 --> 00:04:44,035 - How terribly, terribly posh. - We have an office in Moscow... 66 00:04:44,036 --> 00:04:45,475 Vodka, comrade! 67 00:04:45,476 --> 00:04:47,795 - ..a branch in London... COCKNEY ACCENT: - Lovely jubbly. 68 00:04:47,796 --> 00:04:49,476 ..and we're expanding into Madagascar. 69 00:04:50,796 --> 00:04:53,435 - Really? How interesting. - Look, would you concentrate, please? 70 00:04:53,436 --> 00:04:55,955 I'm looking for a serious candidate to fill this position. 71 00:04:55,956 --> 00:04:58,315 - Well, I did go to university. - Really? Where did you study? 72 00:04:58,316 --> 00:05:01,995 - Cambridge. - When can you start? HE CHUCKLES. 73 00:05:01,996 --> 00:05:06,235 Ah, boom! It's a belter, that. Still works, doesn't it? 74 00:05:06,236 --> 00:05:08,235 You won't be able to do any of that ending. 75 00:05:08,236 --> 00:05:12,955 - What do you mean? - Can't do Chinese and Asian voices any more. - Why? 76 00:05:12,956 --> 00:05:16,075 - Because, Len, it is what is known as racist. - Oh, give over! 77 00:05:16,076 --> 00:05:18,315 - That's the joke. - What's the joke? 78 00:05:18,316 --> 00:05:20,515 What are you inviting people to laugh at, exactly? 79 00:05:20,516 --> 00:05:25,195 Just... a man doing all daft voices. We did it in our first series. 80 00:05:25,196 --> 00:05:28,115 - We only had one series, remember? - Yeah, but still, it's been on telly. 81 00:05:28,116 --> 00:05:31,395 - Nobody complained. - Well, things have changed. That was then. 82 00:05:31,396 --> 00:05:34,715 All right, what about Goodness Gracious Me? 83 00:05:34,716 --> 00:05:36,875 They were all Asian, Len. 84 00:05:36,876 --> 00:05:39,075 It's like Jackie Mason telling Jew jokes 85 00:05:39,076 --> 00:05:41,155 or Richard Pryor doing black material. 86 00:05:41,156 --> 00:05:43,635 You're only allowed to take the piss out of your own tribe. 87 00:05:43,636 --> 00:05:46,275 Eh, I don't think you should be calling them a tribe, Tommy. 88 00:05:46,276 --> 00:05:49,956 - That IS racialist. - Look, we can't do this sketch, all right? 89 00:05:51,516 --> 00:05:55,595 - So, can we not do Ching Chong Chinaman? - No. 90 00:05:55,596 --> 00:05:59,035 In fact, I don't think we should be doing this at all. I've made a mistake. I'm going. 91 00:05:59,036 --> 00:06:03,236 Oh, no. Tommy, please don't go. I haven't seen you in 30 years. 92 00:06:04,996 --> 00:06:07,276 Let's at least give it a chance. 93 00:06:08,556 --> 00:06:12,995 ? If you're going to cry 94 00:06:12,996 --> 00:06:15,395 ? Cry tears of laughter 95 00:06:15,396 --> 00:06:18,755 ? A smile takes much less effort than a frown. ? 96 00:06:18,756 --> 00:06:21,315 Hey, Tommy, I've just finished my jigsaw! 97 00:06:21,316 --> 00:06:23,195 Oh, was it difficult? 98 00:06:23,196 --> 00:06:25,075 Well, it said three to five years on the box. 99 00:06:25,076 --> 00:06:26,836 Only took me six months. 100 00:06:31,876 --> 00:06:34,955 - You know I live in France now? - Yeah. 101 00:06:34,956 --> 00:06:37,755 Our Leanne said she'd read a piece about you in the Standard. 102 00:06:37,756 --> 00:06:41,595 - You do computers, don't you? - Digital marketing. 103 00:06:41,596 --> 00:06:46,115 Got my own company - Angry Tomato. 15 offices worldwide. 104 00:06:46,116 --> 00:06:49,516 - 100 people working under me. - Ooh. Does it not tickle? 105 00:06:50,716 --> 00:06:52,915 I've moved on, Len. 106 00:06:52,916 --> 00:06:55,835 All this Cheese & Crackers stuff... 107 00:06:55,836 --> 00:06:58,715 You know I employ someone to take down those YouTube clips? 108 00:06:58,716 --> 00:07:00,875 - No! - Course I do. 109 00:07:00,876 --> 00:07:03,675 I can't afford to go into a meeting with the HSBC 110 00:07:03,676 --> 00:07:05,595 and someone's found me as Tina Turner 111 00:07:05,596 --> 00:07:07,795 with tights on my head and ping-pong balls for eyes. 112 00:07:07,796 --> 00:07:09,875 Hey, it's good publicity, that YouTube, you know. 113 00:07:09,876 --> 00:07:12,155 My nephews are showing me. You can get everything on it. 114 00:07:12,156 --> 00:07:14,956 I know you can, Len, and it's an embarrassment to me. 115 00:07:17,316 --> 00:07:18,556 I see. 116 00:07:20,076 --> 00:07:21,476 Do you want a cup of tea? 117 00:07:23,156 --> 00:07:25,716 - Is there any peppermint? - Erm... 118 00:07:26,996 --> 00:07:29,475 Oh, forget it. I'll just have builder's. 119 00:07:29,476 --> 00:07:31,715 Your Leanne's grown up into a lovely young girl. 120 00:07:31,716 --> 00:07:34,955 Oh, hasn't she? A right bobby-dazzler. 121 00:07:34,956 --> 00:07:38,595 When she wrote to me and asked me about doing this gig, I was... 122 00:07:38,596 --> 00:07:41,035 Well, you won't be surprised to learn I was unenthusiastic, 123 00:07:41,036 --> 00:07:42,155 to say the least. 124 00:07:42,156 --> 00:07:45,755 I know, Tommy. Sorry. Thomas. 125 00:07:45,756 --> 00:07:48,595 You remember that Morecambe and Wise interview when they were asked, 126 00:07:48,596 --> 00:07:50,915 "What would you have been if you hadn't been comedians?" 127 00:07:50,916 --> 00:07:54,515 - And Eric said, "Mike and Bernie Winters"? - Yeah. Funny line. 128 00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:56,956 Well, we weren't even Mike and Bernie Winters. 129 00:07:58,196 --> 00:08:01,555 - We weren't that good. - No, I'm not having that, Tommy. - It's true. 130 00:08:01,556 --> 00:08:04,035 We came up in the mid-'80s, arse end of variety. 131 00:08:04,036 --> 00:08:06,435 Got lucky with one series on Anglia Television. 132 00:08:06,436 --> 00:08:09,395 It was more than that. What about all the live stuff? 133 00:08:09,396 --> 00:08:12,875 Ten nights at Leeds City Varieties. Top of the bill with Mick Miller, 134 00:08:12,876 --> 00:08:15,555 Bobby Knutt and The Grumbleweeds you can't get better than that. 135 00:08:15,556 --> 00:08:17,516 It's hardly the Rat Pack, is it, Len? 136 00:08:19,236 --> 00:08:20,556 So, why have you come, then? 137 00:08:23,116 --> 00:08:24,596 How could I not? 138 00:08:25,676 --> 00:08:29,036 - Plus, you still owe me 25 quid. - What for? 139 00:08:30,876 --> 00:08:33,116 Bernie Clifton's dressing room. 140 00:09:34,916 --> 00:09:37,715 Well, there you go. You've just proved you don't need me. 141 00:09:37,716 --> 00:09:40,315 - You're funny on your own. - Of course I need you! 142 00:09:40,316 --> 00:09:42,795 You can't have Crackers without the Cheese. 143 00:09:42,796 --> 00:09:45,755 That's another thing - I hate that stupid name. I always did. 144 00:09:45,756 --> 00:09:48,835 But someone had already registered Cheese & Onion. I told you! 145 00:09:48,836 --> 00:09:52,715 Why did it have to be Cheese and anything? It's so babyish. 146 00:09:52,716 --> 00:09:54,875 - And it's not funny. - Well, I think it's funny. 147 00:09:54,876 --> 00:09:57,195 It's too generic. First rule of comedy - be specific. 148 00:09:57,196 --> 00:09:59,115 You never say biscuit. You say Garibaldi. 149 00:09:59,116 --> 00:10:00,315 All right, Ted Bovis! 150 00:10:00,316 --> 00:10:04,835 If we do this - if - I want us to use our real names. 151 00:10:04,836 --> 00:10:08,675 - But then no-one'll know who we are. - Correct. 152 00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:11,075 All right, fine. I'll tell our Leanne to have us billed 153 00:10:11,076 --> 00:10:13,075 as Shelby & Drake if that's what you want. 154 00:10:13,076 --> 00:10:15,555 Why Shelby & Drake? Why not Drake & Shelby? 155 00:10:15,556 --> 00:10:18,675 I don't know. It just sounds better. It's the music of it. 156 00:10:18,676 --> 00:10:20,795 - Drake & Shelby goes down. - What? 157 00:10:20,796 --> 00:10:23,115 Shelby & Drake! Da-da-da-da! 158 00:10:23,116 --> 00:10:26,195 - Drake & Shelby. - Da-da-da-da. You see? It goes down. 159 00:10:26,196 --> 00:10:27,915 Only if you do it like that. You could do... 160 00:10:27,916 --> 00:10:30,795 - Drake & Shelby! Da-da-da-da! - All right, fine. 161 00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:33,155 It's not a bother. Either way works. 162 00:10:33,156 --> 00:10:35,235 I'm just glad we're doing it again. 163 00:10:35,236 --> 00:10:37,995 Though I will have to tell that researcher on Britain's Got Talent 164 00:10:37,996 --> 00:10:40,235 - cos if we change the name... - What? - Oh, it's nothing. 165 00:10:40,236 --> 00:10:43,955 - I just put in an application form. - For Britain's Got Talent? - Yeah. 166 00:10:43,956 --> 00:10:45,755 It's all back now - you know, variety. 167 00:10:45,756 --> 00:10:47,635 - Massive viewing figures. - I can't believe... 168 00:10:47,636 --> 00:10:49,875 On what planet did you think I would humiliate myself 169 00:10:49,876 --> 00:10:51,955 by appearing on that programme... with you? 170 00:10:51,956 --> 00:10:55,075 Well, I don't remember you being so fussy when Blankety Blank came knocking. 171 00:10:55,076 --> 00:10:57,235 - I told you, they wouldn't have us both on. - Oh, really? 172 00:10:57,236 --> 00:10:59,555 Yes, I tried, but they went with Lorraine Chase instead. 173 00:10:59,556 --> 00:11:01,355 I'd have killed in that bottom middle seat. 174 00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:03,955 That was the place to be. All the great clowns sat there - 175 00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:06,915 - Everett, Starr, Doddy. - That is not the point. 176 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,875 I agreed to come back and do one last gig to an invited audience, 177 00:11:09,876 --> 00:11:12,636 and I only said yes because your daughter wrote and told me that... 178 00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:17,235 What? 179 00:11:17,236 --> 00:11:20,755 That things haven't been great for you the last few years. 180 00:11:20,756 --> 00:11:22,956 What do you mean? What did she tell you? 181 00:11:24,556 --> 00:11:27,796 - Never mind. - No, go on. I want to know what she said. 182 00:11:31,076 --> 00:11:34,436 Cheese & Crackers are not doing Britain's Got Talent. 183 00:11:35,636 --> 00:11:36,956 OK. 184 00:11:38,196 --> 00:11:41,676 But Drake & Shelby might, yeah? Let's rehearse the vent sketch. 185 00:12:06,756 --> 00:12:11,756 - You haven't gone, have you? - No. I'm still here. 186 00:12:21,236 --> 00:12:23,955 I won't be able to lift you out. I've got this hiatus hernia. 187 00:12:23,956 --> 00:12:26,635 Oh, sure. My knees are gone anyway. 188 00:12:26,636 --> 00:12:29,556 We'll figure it out. 189 00:12:32,716 --> 00:12:34,036 Right. 190 00:12:36,636 --> 00:12:40,835 - So, boys and girls, this is Vincent. Say hello, Vincent. - Hello, Vincent. 191 00:12:40,836 --> 00:12:45,555 - What are your first impressions? - Sorry, I don't do impressions. Eh! 192 00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:48,435 No, no, I mean what do you hope to get out of this school? 193 00:12:48,436 --> 00:12:51,475 All the TVs and video recorders! 194 00:12:51,476 --> 00:12:52,795 Yeah, I thought, there, Tommy, 195 00:12:52,796 --> 00:12:55,555 - we could update it and say computers instead. - Yeah, whatever. 196 00:12:55,556 --> 00:12:58,795 OK, Vincent, so, we'll give you a quick test. How's your grammar? 197 00:12:58,796 --> 00:13:01,755 She's very well, thank you. How's yours? Eh! 198 00:13:01,756 --> 00:13:04,835 No, no, I mean your English grammar. Where would you put a colon? 199 00:13:04,836 --> 00:13:08,195 Up your bum! 200 00:13:08,196 --> 00:13:11,155 - What? - Nothing. Carry on. So, let's move onto maths. 201 00:13:11,156 --> 00:13:13,115 If a farmer has 12 cows and 18 chickens, 202 00:13:13,116 --> 00:13:15,275 and he loses half of them, what has he got? 203 00:13:15,276 --> 00:13:17,915 Foot-and-mouth disease. 204 00:13:17,916 --> 00:13:19,915 History. Where was the Magna Carta signed? 205 00:13:19,916 --> 00:13:22,275 - At the bottom! - Geography. Where are the Andes? 206 00:13:22,276 --> 00:13:24,195 At the end of your armies! 207 00:13:24,196 --> 00:13:26,595 Oh, Jesus Christ! We can't do this, Len. 208 00:13:26,596 --> 00:13:30,275 - No, no, carry on. - I can't. I can't bear it. - What's wrong? 209 00:13:30,276 --> 00:13:32,275 Do you think punk rockers might be dated now? 210 00:13:32,276 --> 00:13:35,315 Of course they are! They were dated in 1984! 211 00:13:35,316 --> 00:13:38,155 This played to silence on Crackerjack, if you remember. 212 00:13:38,156 --> 00:13:41,315 - Janette Krankie wouldn't look us in the eye. - That's cos she's only 4ft. 213 00:13:41,316 --> 00:13:45,155 No, it's because it's poor. We need better material. 214 00:13:45,156 --> 00:13:47,035 We needed it then. We certainly need it now. 215 00:13:47,036 --> 00:13:48,916 Just do the last bit - the drink bit. 216 00:13:56,476 --> 00:13:58,555 You see? 217 00:13:58,556 --> 00:14:00,235 It's a cracking ending, Tommy. 218 00:14:00,236 --> 00:14:02,755 Though we'll have to make sure the front row are close enough. 219 00:14:02,756 --> 00:14:04,635 I want to get them all with that spit take. 220 00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:06,915 - Ooh, yeah, that's a cheap laugh, Len. - Oh, come on. 221 00:14:06,916 --> 00:14:10,236 - A laugh's a laugh however you word it. - Yeah, for you, maybe. 222 00:14:11,756 --> 00:14:13,436 You know what your problem is? 223 00:14:14,836 --> 00:14:16,236 You've lost your sparkle. 224 00:14:17,516 --> 00:14:22,035 Yeah. You've got no joy in you any more. 225 00:14:22,036 --> 00:14:25,195 You're like a shark. You've got dead, black eyes. 226 00:14:25,196 --> 00:14:27,235 All this corporate stuff you've been doing, 227 00:14:27,236 --> 00:14:29,555 this Angry Pineapple, it's sucked the life out of you. 228 00:14:29,556 --> 00:14:33,035 - Tomato. - What? - It's Angry Tomato. 229 00:14:33,036 --> 00:14:36,635 And I'm sorry I'm no fun any more, but I'm a different person now. 230 00:14:36,636 --> 00:14:40,715 You were no fun then. You've always been miserable. 231 00:14:40,716 --> 00:14:44,835 That's why it all dried up for us. People could sense it. 232 00:14:44,836 --> 00:14:48,956 You killed Cheese & Crackers, Tommy. I'm sorry, but it has to be said. 233 00:14:52,436 --> 00:14:54,276 You weren't always like this. 234 00:14:55,516 --> 00:14:58,396 Remember when we first started out, back in the day? 235 00:14:59,676 --> 00:15:02,395 We used to cry with laughter at every little thing. 236 00:15:02,396 --> 00:15:05,156 Yeah, well, the joke worn thin, didn't it? 237 00:15:07,676 --> 00:15:09,996 - I'm going for a ciggie. Do you...? - No. 238 00:15:11,036 --> 00:15:13,436 I stopped 20 years ago. So should you. 239 00:16:01,996 --> 00:16:04,475 - Looks like it's going to rain. - What's going on, Len? 240 00:16:04,476 --> 00:16:08,515 - What's all this? - Nothing. They're just... props. 241 00:16:08,516 --> 00:16:10,315 I thought we could have a play, like I said. 242 00:16:10,316 --> 00:16:11,836 What were you thinking for these? 243 00:16:13,116 --> 00:16:16,275 - Sweeney Todd gets diarrhoea? - No, but it's a good thought. 244 00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:19,796 - Call it Sweeney Turd - boom, we're off. - Len. Len. 245 00:16:21,996 --> 00:16:23,715 Are you...? 246 00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:26,276 I can't believe I'm saying this. You're homeless, aren't you? 247 00:16:27,676 --> 00:16:30,235 Well, our Leanne's got the baby now, 248 00:16:30,236 --> 00:16:32,995 and I have to be down here for voice-over work. 249 00:16:32,996 --> 00:16:36,035 - When did you last do voice-over? - It was a while back, I grant you. 250 00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:38,875 - I think it was for Tudor Crisps. - Why didn't you tell me? 251 00:16:38,876 --> 00:16:42,115 I didn't want you to be jealous. 252 00:16:42,116 --> 00:16:43,915 Not about the crisps. 253 00:16:43,916 --> 00:16:47,675 - About being homeless. How has that happened? - Don't know. 254 00:16:47,676 --> 00:16:52,435 It just sort of crept up on me. Missed a few payments. 255 00:16:52,436 --> 00:16:54,435 Next thing I know, there's a sign on the door, 256 00:16:54,436 --> 00:16:56,555 all the locks have changed. 257 00:16:56,556 --> 00:16:58,755 I had 15 minutes to grab what I could. 258 00:16:58,756 --> 00:17:02,035 - So, where are you actually staying now? - Here and there. 259 00:17:02,036 --> 00:17:04,395 Few nights at Leanne's. 260 00:17:04,396 --> 00:17:08,076 One or two other spots I've found. 261 00:17:09,156 --> 00:17:11,515 I wish you'd told me sooner. I could have helped you. 262 00:17:11,516 --> 00:17:14,356 I don't want your money, Tommy. I never did. 263 00:17:16,196 --> 00:17:18,795 I just want you by my side. 264 00:17:18,796 --> 00:17:21,276 One last serving of Cheese & Crackers. 265 00:17:23,956 --> 00:17:26,396 All right. 266 00:17:27,636 --> 00:17:28,955 What do you want to do next? 267 00:17:28,956 --> 00:17:31,555 Well, I thought we could have a go at One Man Went To Mow. 268 00:17:31,556 --> 00:17:33,675 You know, with all the quickfire impressions. 269 00:17:33,676 --> 00:17:36,435 - But we can't do it now. - Well, we could if we practised. 270 00:17:36,436 --> 00:17:39,915 No, we can't do it cos they're all Yewtree. 271 00:17:39,916 --> 00:17:41,236 They're not, are they? 272 00:17:42,676 --> 00:17:44,395 Oh, God, you're right! 273 00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:47,475 - He's not Yewtree, is he? - Not yet, but he will be. 274 00:17:47,476 --> 00:17:49,795 We could still do all the cartoon ones. 275 00:17:49,796 --> 00:17:52,235 Ooh! Ooh! Mr Peevly! Mr Peevly! 276 00:17:52,236 --> 00:17:55,475 - Do you think people still remember the Hair Bear Bunch? - Yes! 277 00:17:55,476 --> 00:17:58,035 People love remembering things that happened in the '70s. 278 00:17:58,036 --> 00:17:59,275 This lot don't. 279 00:17:59,276 --> 00:18:01,915 - When I last did panto... - In 1992. Carry on. 280 00:18:01,916 --> 00:18:04,715 When I last did panto, I did them all - 281 00:18:04,716 --> 00:18:08,515 Hong Kong Phooey, Dick Dastardly, Mary, Mungo And Midge. 282 00:18:08,516 --> 00:18:10,515 What did you do for Mary, Mungo And Midge? 283 00:18:10,516 --> 00:18:12,396 I just watched the lift go down. 284 00:18:16,236 --> 00:18:18,195 Well, that must have been a fun evening. 285 00:18:18,196 --> 00:18:20,716 Well, it wasn't easy being one ugly sister. 286 00:18:22,156 --> 00:18:25,435 All right, but shouldn't we be thinking of something more contemporary? 287 00:18:25,436 --> 00:18:28,275 - Who makes you laugh? - Eh? 288 00:18:28,276 --> 00:18:31,155 What current stuff do you watch that makes you laugh? 289 00:18:31,156 --> 00:18:35,995 - I've always admired that young lad Joe Pasquale. - He's 56! 290 00:18:35,996 --> 00:18:37,875 He's about as current as Kajagoogoo. 291 00:18:37,876 --> 00:18:41,035 Funny bones, though. And he's a brilliant prop comic. 292 00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:43,275 But if you still want to make it in this game, 293 00:18:43,276 --> 00:18:45,795 you've got to follow what the rules are now. 294 00:18:45,796 --> 00:18:48,595 With my business head on, I'd be looking at current trends, 295 00:18:48,596 --> 00:18:51,795 gaps in the market. At the moment, we're an outdated model. 296 00:18:51,796 --> 00:18:55,515 It's heritage comedy. It's magic, what we do. 297 00:18:55,516 --> 00:18:58,675 - It's not a business. - It is a business, Len. 298 00:18:58,676 --> 00:19:00,235 Show business. 299 00:19:00,236 --> 00:19:03,435 And that's what you failed to grasp, and that's why... 300 00:19:03,436 --> 00:19:04,516 What? 301 00:19:05,916 --> 00:19:08,995 - Nothing. - No, tell me. 302 00:19:08,996 --> 00:19:11,595 It's obviously been on your mind for 30 years. 303 00:19:11,596 --> 00:19:15,075 All right. Bernie Clifton's dressing room. 304 00:19:15,076 --> 00:19:18,115 What about Bernie Clifton's dressing room? 305 00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:20,475 - You don't remember? - No. 306 00:19:20,476 --> 00:19:22,236 And that is my point. 307 00:19:24,156 --> 00:19:26,396 Let's do Brown Bottles. 308 00:20:38,676 --> 00:20:41,475 ? Ten brown bottles sitting on the wall 309 00:20:41,476 --> 00:20:44,035 ? Ten brown bottles sitting on the wall 310 00:20:44,036 --> 00:20:47,756 ? And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall 311 00:20:49,116 --> 00:20:52,595 ? There'll be nine brown bottles sitting on the wall 312 00:20:52,596 --> 00:20:55,115 ? Nine brown bottles sitting on the wall 313 00:20:55,116 --> 00:20:58,796 ? And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall... ? 314 00:20:59,996 --> 00:21:01,395 Come on, accidentally fall! 315 00:21:01,396 --> 00:21:04,075 I haven't finished this one yet! 316 00:21:04,076 --> 00:21:06,755 ? There'll be eight brown bottles sitting on the wall 317 00:21:06,756 --> 00:21:08,435 ? Eight brown bottles sitting... ? 318 00:21:08,436 --> 00:21:09,955 You're not supposed to drink 'em! 319 00:21:09,956 --> 00:21:13,235 ? And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall 320 00:21:13,236 --> 00:21:15,995 ? There'll be seven brown, six brown bottles 321 00:21:15,996 --> 00:21:17,395 ? Sitting on the wall 322 00:21:17,396 --> 00:21:19,955 ? Five brown bottles sitting on the wall 323 00:21:19,956 --> 00:21:23,595 ? And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall... ? 324 00:21:23,596 --> 00:21:26,155 Oh! Sorry about that! 325 00:21:26,156 --> 00:21:29,395 ? There'll be four brown bottles sitting on the wall 326 00:21:29,396 --> 00:21:31,915 ? Four brown bottles sitting on the wall... ? 327 00:21:31,916 --> 00:21:34,075 - What are you doing? - Elf and safety! 328 00:21:34,076 --> 00:21:36,475 ? And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall 329 00:21:36,476 --> 00:21:40,075 - ? There'll be three brown bottles sitting on the wall... ? - I need a wee! 330 00:21:40,076 --> 00:21:42,635 ? Three brown bottles sitting on the wall 331 00:21:42,636 --> 00:21:44,075 ? And if one brown bottle... ? 332 00:21:44,076 --> 00:21:45,115 Not there! 333 00:21:45,116 --> 00:21:46,436 ? Should accidentally fall 334 00:21:48,556 --> 00:21:52,195 ? There'll be two brown bottles sitting on the wall 335 00:21:52,196 --> 00:21:54,955 - ? Two brown bottles sitting on the wall... ? - Love you, Tommy. 336 00:21:54,956 --> 00:21:58,316 ? And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall 337 00:22:00,316 --> 00:22:02,635 ? There'll be one brown bottle sitting on the wall... ? 338 00:22:02,636 --> 00:22:05,155 Tommy Drake, ladies and gentlemen! 339 00:22:05,156 --> 00:22:09,355 He's so mean, you'd need a spanner to get 50p out of his hand. 340 00:22:09,356 --> 00:22:12,076 - Give us a kiss! - ? There'll be no more bottles... ? 341 00:22:13,876 --> 00:22:17,395 - Oof! - And no more wall. 342 00:22:19,436 --> 00:22:23,115 Hey, takes it out of you, that one. It's funny, though. 343 00:22:23,116 --> 00:22:26,155 So, you don't remember Bernie Clifton's dressing room? 344 00:22:26,156 --> 00:22:28,875 No, I don't. Why do you have to keep bringing that up? 345 00:22:28,876 --> 00:22:32,115 We were on stage, Glasgow Pavilion, doing Brown Bottles. 346 00:22:32,116 --> 00:22:34,595 You walked off to get the broom. You never came back. 347 00:22:34,596 --> 00:22:36,635 You left me standing there, humiliated, 348 00:22:36,636 --> 00:22:38,755 vamping for ten minutes while the audience started 349 00:22:38,756 --> 00:22:41,355 slow handclapping, people shouting, "Where's the funny one?" 350 00:22:41,356 --> 00:22:43,475 I walked off to find you 351 00:22:43,476 --> 00:22:45,875 in Bernie Clifton's dressing room lying on the floor, 352 00:22:45,876 --> 00:22:47,555 choking in your own vomit. 353 00:22:47,556 --> 00:22:50,435 Probably cos I'd just necked seven bottles of beer in three minutes. 354 00:22:50,436 --> 00:22:53,075 - Yeah, and how many times a week did you do that? - I can't remember. 355 00:22:53,076 --> 00:22:54,435 Of course you can't remember. 356 00:22:54,436 --> 00:22:57,155 I'm surprised you remember anything from '83 to '87, 357 00:22:57,156 --> 00:22:58,915 the amount you drank. 358 00:22:58,916 --> 00:23:01,636 - What are you saying? - You nearly died, Len! 359 00:23:05,276 --> 00:23:06,796 You're an alcoholic. 360 00:23:07,996 --> 00:23:11,635 And Bernie Clifton's dressing room was the last straw. 361 00:23:11,636 --> 00:23:16,195 - He had to destroy that ostrich, you know. - No, he didn't. - He did. 362 00:23:16,196 --> 00:23:18,355 25 quid, I had to give him, which I never saw back. 363 00:23:18,356 --> 00:23:21,715 Well, it's very stressful, going out on stage every night, making people laugh. 364 00:23:21,716 --> 00:23:25,196 - You don't need to tell me that. - How would you know, Thomas? 365 00:23:26,236 --> 00:23:29,155 I was the one on the front foot driving it. 366 00:23:29,156 --> 00:23:31,435 You just stood there like a fucking pillar box. 367 00:23:31,436 --> 00:23:33,635 Oh, and that's why you were drunk for ten years, is it? 368 00:23:33,636 --> 00:23:36,796 - Oh, don't exaggerate. - You said I killed Cheese & Crackers... 369 00:23:37,796 --> 00:23:39,676 - ..because. - I - was miserable? 370 00:23:41,596 --> 00:23:44,275 Why do you think they wouldn't have you on Blankety Blank, 371 00:23:44,276 --> 00:23:46,076 why we died a death on Crackerjack? 372 00:23:47,596 --> 00:23:49,076 It was you. 373 00:23:50,356 --> 00:23:52,076 You were always pissed. 374 00:23:54,636 --> 00:23:56,276 I loved performing. 375 00:23:57,476 --> 00:23:59,756 I loved being on stage every night. 376 00:24:01,036 --> 00:24:03,835 - Nothing gave me more joy. - So, why did you leave it all, then? 377 00:24:03,836 --> 00:24:05,436 To save you. 378 00:24:07,636 --> 00:24:10,756 You turned into a monster after six half-hours on Anglia. 379 00:24:12,676 --> 00:24:14,756 I was frightened, if we got any bigger... 380 00:24:17,036 --> 00:24:21,596 You were killing yourself, so I walked away. 381 00:24:23,196 --> 00:24:26,675 - But you came back, didn't you? - Yes! And I wish I'd never bothered! 382 00:24:28,396 --> 00:24:30,196 Sorry, am I interrupting? 383 00:24:32,316 --> 00:24:36,116 No. Just... going through my speech. 384 00:24:39,556 --> 00:24:42,876 - Hard to find the right words. - I'm sure you'll be fine. 385 00:24:44,396 --> 00:24:48,395 - Aw, have you been looking through my dad's stuff? - Yeah. 386 00:24:48,396 --> 00:24:51,595 Yeah, brought back a lot of memories. 387 00:24:51,596 --> 00:24:55,595 - He was a funny man. - He was. 388 00:24:55,596 --> 00:24:59,635 - Are there many people here? - Quite a few, yeah. 389 00:24:59,636 --> 00:25:03,235 Syd Little, a couple of Nolans. 390 00:25:03,236 --> 00:25:06,235 - Brought you the order of service. - Ooh, thanks. 391 00:25:06,236 --> 00:25:08,035 You'll be on after Janette Krankie, 392 00:25:08,036 --> 00:25:10,915 so if you just give her a moment to move her box... 393 00:25:10,916 --> 00:25:15,115 - Oh, yeah. - My dad wanted it to be a celebration. 394 00:25:15,116 --> 00:25:17,475 One last gig to an invited audience. 395 00:25:17,476 --> 00:25:19,435 As long as they don't expect me to be funny. 396 00:25:19,436 --> 00:25:22,275 Oh, no, I don't think anyone's expecting that. 397 00:25:22,276 --> 00:25:24,075 Thanks for doing it, though. 398 00:25:24,076 --> 00:25:27,035 I know you and my dad had unresolved business. 399 00:25:27,036 --> 00:25:29,276 We did, but, erm... 400 00:25:30,276 --> 00:25:32,435 ..it's too late now. 401 00:25:32,436 --> 00:25:36,836 Like I said earlier, just imagine he's here with you in the room. 402 00:25:38,276 --> 00:25:40,355 Yeah. 403 00:25:40,356 --> 00:25:44,155 You will come to the do after, won't you, for a drink and a snack? 404 00:25:44,156 --> 00:25:47,635 We're, erm, having cheese and crackers. 405 00:25:47,636 --> 00:25:49,396 Well, quite right, too. 406 00:25:54,396 --> 00:25:58,555 Erm, we're going to be playing Tears Of Laughter 407 00:25:58,556 --> 00:26:01,436 when they bring him in, just so you're prepared. 408 00:26:02,596 --> 00:26:07,276 - OK. - Oh, I almost forgot. 409 00:26:08,516 --> 00:26:13,676 He wanted you to have this. He was very insistent. 410 00:26:15,396 --> 00:26:17,716 He said you'd know what it was about. 411 00:26:57,916 --> 00:27:02,916 _ 412 00:27:08,676 --> 00:27:10,396 Thank you, old pal. 413 00:27:12,076 --> 00:27:15,835 ? It's almost time to say goodbye, ta-ta and fare-thee-well 414 00:27:15,836 --> 00:27:18,875 ? It's almost time to bring the curtain down 415 00:27:18,876 --> 00:27:20,355 ? I'll say adieu... ? 416 00:27:20,356 --> 00:27:21,435 - To me? - To you. 417 00:27:21,436 --> 00:27:23,195 ? So long, it has been swell 418 00:27:23,196 --> 00:27:27,235 ? But don't you cry the tears of a clown 419 00:27:27,236 --> 00:27:30,515 ? If you're going to cry 420 00:27:30,516 --> 00:27:32,835 ? Cry tears of laughter 421 00:27:32,836 --> 00:27:36,075 ? A smile takes much less effort than a frown 422 00:27:36,076 --> 00:27:40,555 ? So, let's have one more joke and raise the rafters 423 00:27:40,556 --> 00:27:43,356 ? Cos laughter's the best medicine in town... ? 424 00:27:44,876 --> 00:27:48,075 Doctor! Doctor! I keep feeling like a woman who delivers babies. 425 00:27:48,076 --> 00:27:51,315 Ooh, don't worry. It's just a midwife crisis. 426 00:27:51,316 --> 00:27:53,475 ? Yes, if you're going to cry 427 00:27:53,476 --> 00:27:55,595 ? Cry tears of laughter 428 00:27:55,596 --> 00:27:59,795 ? Your funny bone can never break in two 429 00:27:59,796 --> 00:28:03,475 ? Misery might let you win a BAFTA 430 00:28:03,476 --> 00:28:08,075 ? But laughter is my memory of you... ? 431 00:28:08,076 --> 00:28:10,075 There are three types of people in this world - 432 00:28:10,076 --> 00:28:13,235 - those that can count and those that can't. - Terrible! 433 00:28:13,236 --> 00:28:17,595 ? Laughter is my memory of you... ? 434 00:28:17,596 --> 00:28:19,635 Do you know, Tommy, I've spent the last four years 435 00:28:19,636 --> 00:28:22,195 looking for my mother-in-law's killer, but no-one will do it! 436 00:28:22,196 --> 00:28:26,836 ? Yes, laughter is my memory of... 437 00:28:29,676 --> 00:28:30,996 ? You! ? 438 00:28:41,196 --> 00:28:46,196 www.subtitulamos.tv