1
00:00:01,227 --> 00:00:04,863
? It seems today that all you see ?

2
00:00:04,864 --> 00:00:08,166
? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?

3
00:00:08,167 --> 00:00:11,736
? But where are those good
old-fashioned values ?

4
00:00:11,737 --> 00:00:14,739
? On which we used to rely? ?

5
00:00:14,740 --> 00:00:18,243
? Lucky there's a family guy ?

6
00:00:18,244 --> 00:00:21,713
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

7
00:00:21,714 --> 00:00:23,348
? All the things that make us ?

8
00:00:23,349 --> 00:00:24,983
? Laugh and cry ?

9
00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:29,445
? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ?

10
00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:34,285
Sync and corrections by AlexandreMT
www.addic7ed.com

11
00:00:34,504 --> 00:00:36,772
Peter, come on, time to get dressed

12
00:00:36,773 --> 00:00:38,340
for our Valentine's Day dinner.

13
00:00:38,341 --> 00:00:40,142
We don't want to be late
for our reservation.

14
00:00:40,143 --> 00:00:41,577
Reservation?

15
00:00:41,578 --> 00:00:43,946
Yeah. I decided we're going
someplace nice this time.

16
00:00:43,947 --> 00:00:46,749
Not like last year when we went
to the Outback Steakhouse,

17
00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:49,151
but it's "out" as in the gay way.

18
00:00:49,152 --> 00:00:52,888
We'll get to the specials,
but first, I need to tell you...

19
00:00:52,889 --> 00:00:54,390
I'm gay.

20
00:00:54,391 --> 00:00:55,658
The hell you are!

21
00:00:55,659 --> 00:00:57,393
No waiter of mine is gonna be gay!

22
00:00:57,394 --> 00:00:59,662
Peter, please. He's our waiter.

23
00:00:59,663 --> 00:01:01,664
He's the only waiter we have.

24
00:01:01,665 --> 00:01:03,899
Lois, our waiter is dead to us.

25
00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:06,769
We have to focus all our
attention on our hostess now.

26
00:01:06,770 --> 00:01:09,371
He-he just needs a little time.

27
00:01:09,372 --> 00:01:10,906
Scott...

28
00:01:10,907 --> 00:01:15,210
I'm finally ready to hear the specials.

29
00:01:15,211 --> 00:01:17,012
Well, happy Valentine's Day, Lois.

30
00:01:17,013 --> 00:01:20,182
Let's have a dying marriage
side-face kiss.

31
00:01:20,183 --> 00:01:21,584
Mwah.

32
00:01:21,585 --> 00:01:24,353
Well, I better set out
a can of tuna fish and a cigar

33
00:01:24,354 --> 00:01:25,854
for Arthur Valentine.

34
00:01:25,855 --> 00:01:28,724
I can't wait to see what he brings me.

35
00:01:28,725 --> 00:01:31,694
Uh, you want to tell us
what the holy hell that was?

36
00:01:31,695 --> 00:01:33,729
I'm afraid it's something we made up

37
00:01:33,730 --> 00:01:35,764
that we finally need to deal with.

38
00:01:35,765 --> 00:01:37,766
You see, years ago,
when Chris was in preschool...

39
00:01:42,372 --> 00:01:45,274
Peter, poor Chris didn't get
a single valentine today

40
00:01:45,275 --> 00:01:47,242
from any of his classmates.

41
00:01:47,243 --> 00:01:48,544
What? Why not?

42
00:01:48,545 --> 00:01:50,179
Apparently, he's not well liked.

43
00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:51,880
Some of the kids think he's weird

44
00:01:51,881 --> 00:01:53,782
because he takes his shirt off to pee.

45
00:01:53,783 --> 00:01:56,685
Yeah, I taught him that.
That's also called "peeing."

46
00:01:56,686 --> 00:01:58,454
Pee? Pee now?

47
00:01:58,455 --> 00:01:59,888
No. No, Chris.

48
00:01:59,889 --> 00:02:03,392
Why no valentines?

49
00:02:03,393 --> 00:02:05,561
Hey, hey, hey, stop crying, Chris.

50
00:02:05,562 --> 00:02:06,729
Y-You're gonna...

51
00:02:06,730 --> 00:02:09,098
Y-You're gonna get tons of valentines.

52
00:02:09,099 --> 00:02:11,433
I am? From who?

53
00:02:11,434 --> 00:02:15,270
Um, from... Arthur Valentine.

54
00:02:15,271 --> 00:02:16,772
R-Really?

55
00:02:16,773 --> 00:02:18,574
Yeah, yeah, that's right!

56
00:02:18,575 --> 00:02:21,210
Who's Arthur Valentine?

57
00:02:21,211 --> 00:02:23,412
Only the most magical man ever.

58
00:02:23,413 --> 00:02:26,782
And he comes every
Valentine's Day on-on a-a...

59
00:02:26,783 --> 00:02:29,351
a purple Vespa to, um...

60
00:02:29,352 --> 00:02:31,654
to bring candy and sweet notes
to children

61
00:02:31,655 --> 00:02:34,223
who've managed to not use
any swears in the last year.

62
00:02:34,224 --> 00:02:35,257
He does?

63
00:02:35,258 --> 00:02:37,426
Uh-huh, and he has a long beard...

64
00:02:37,427 --> 00:02:38,994
Oh, and-and he's got an eye patch.

65
00:02:38,995 --> 00:02:41,530
B-But not for medical reasons,
he just likes the look.

66
00:02:41,531 --> 00:02:44,066
Plus, he-he wears a Cat in the Hat hat

67
00:02:44,067 --> 00:02:46,568
and sometimes a scarf,
no matter what Lois says

68
00:02:46,569 --> 00:02:48,404
because it gives him a youthful vibe

69
00:02:48,405 --> 00:02:50,606
and adds some color to his face.

70
00:02:50,607 --> 00:02:53,275
We were just trying to cheer Chris up.

71
00:02:53,276 --> 00:02:55,277
I assumed he'd outgrow it
in a few years,

72
00:02:55,278 --> 00:02:58,113
but, Peter, it's time
we have a talk with Chris.

73
00:02:58,114 --> 00:03:01,116
We've got to put an end to this
Arthur Valentine nonsense.

74
00:03:01,117 --> 00:03:03,252
Yeah, I guess you're right.

75
00:03:03,253 --> 00:03:05,320
Well, I best be going anyway.

76
00:03:05,321 --> 00:03:07,790
Donna and I are spending
our Valentine's Day

77
00:03:07,791 --> 00:03:10,793
in Johnnie Cochran pajamas,
just caressing each other

78
00:03:10,794 --> 00:03:12,795
in a very beige bedroom.

79
00:03:12,796 --> 00:03:14,463
Yeah, and hopefully Bonnie and I'll

80
00:03:14,464 --> 00:03:16,331
do a sexy bath night like last year.

81
00:03:16,332 --> 00:03:17,833
It was amazing.

82
00:03:17,834 --> 00:03:20,135
She laid out a trail of rose petals,

83
00:03:20,136 --> 00:03:22,971
and I elbow-crawled
to the sponge and shower chair.

84
00:03:22,972 --> 00:03:25,874
I go down to the video store
and put my hand on Love Actually

85
00:03:25,875 --> 00:03:27,976
at the same time as a woman, and I go,

86
00:03:27,977 --> 00:03:31,547
"Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!"

87
00:03:31,548 --> 00:03:34,950
What about you, Brian? What are
your plans for Valentine's Day?

88
00:03:34,951 --> 00:03:38,487
What? Oh, uh, no real plans, I guess.

89
00:03:38,488 --> 00:03:41,156
Ha! Looks like Brian's the only
guy with nothing going on.

90
00:03:41,157 --> 00:03:43,025
Hey, you can come over
to my house, Brian.

91
00:03:43,026 --> 00:03:44,893
I thought you had
that whole thing with Bonnie.

92
00:03:44,894 --> 00:03:48,397
I do, but she needs help lifting
me into the shower chair.

93
00:03:53,536 --> 00:03:55,003
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

94
00:03:55,004 --> 00:03:58,273
Our top story, today
the Quahog River was dyed red

95
00:03:58,274 --> 00:03:59,842
in honor of Valentine's Day.

96
00:03:59,843 --> 00:04:02,010
So if you're looking
to do a river murder,

97
00:04:02,011 --> 00:04:03,512
this could be your window.

98
00:04:03,513 --> 00:04:06,348
Stupid Hallmark holiday anyway.

99
00:04:06,349 --> 00:04:08,150
Oh, hey, Bri. How's your night going?

100
00:04:08,151 --> 00:04:11,386
I hope Rupert and I haven't been
too loud up there.

101
00:04:11,387 --> 00:04:15,023
Happy Valentine's Day!

102
00:04:15,024 --> 00:04:17,359
Oh, yeah, we're gonna go all night.

103
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,529
Just leave me alone, Stewie.

104
00:04:20,530 --> 00:04:23,699
Well, Brian, if you're stuck
being a single loser,

105
00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:26,034
you might as well just embrace it.

106
00:04:26,035 --> 00:04:29,671
Mmm. Oh, yeah.

107
00:04:29,672 --> 00:04:31,106
Wait a minute. What am I thinking?

108
00:04:31,107 --> 00:04:34,109
Chocolate is poisonous to dogs.
I better stop or...

109
00:04:37,380 --> 00:04:40,816
Happy Valentine's Day!

110
00:04:40,817 --> 00:04:42,451
Stop the damn banging!

111
00:04:42,452 --> 00:04:45,888
People are trying to have
dignified relations!

112
00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:52,294
Oh, boy, look!

113
00:04:52,295 --> 00:04:55,798
Arthur Valentine brought me
plates and a salt shaker!

114
00:04:55,799 --> 00:04:57,466
Chris, Chris, settle down.

115
00:04:57,467 --> 00:04:59,368
I-It's actually time your father and I

116
00:04:59,369 --> 00:05:01,737
had a talk with you
about Arthur Valentine.

117
00:05:01,738 --> 00:05:03,238
Yeah, that's, uh, that's right.

118
00:05:03,239 --> 00:05:06,074
Um, son...

119
00:05:06,075 --> 00:05:08,477
I'm afraid Arthur Valentine isn't real.

120
00:05:08,478 --> 00:05:10,879
What? Not real?

121
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,916
Then who leaves those notes
with all the misspellings?

122
00:05:13,917 --> 00:05:17,152
Well, first, Chris, English
is a very fluid language.

123
00:05:17,153 --> 00:05:19,822
We're sorry, but you're old
enough now to know the truth.

124
00:05:19,823 --> 00:05:22,591
He... he doesn't exist.

125
00:05:22,592 --> 00:05:25,994
No! You're both lying!

126
00:05:25,995 --> 00:05:28,163
What are we gonna do?

127
00:05:28,164 --> 00:05:30,599
It seems like there's
no getting through to him.

128
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,001
You know, if Chris
is this hard to convince,

129
00:05:33,002 --> 00:05:35,470
we may just have to kill
Arthur Valentine.

130
00:05:35,471 --> 00:05:36,972
What? What do you mean?

131
00:05:36,973 --> 00:05:41,076
Maybe we make Chris believe
that Arthur Valentine is dead.

132
00:05:41,077 --> 00:05:44,513
Huh. Well, we just might have to.

133
00:05:47,483 --> 00:05:49,084
Hey, what's the matter, Brian?

134
00:05:49,085 --> 00:05:51,653
Have you fallen and can't get up?

135
00:05:51,654 --> 00:05:54,156
Turns out, still using
that joke is a felony.

136
00:05:54,157 --> 00:05:56,959
Guess I better not drop the soap.

137
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,061
That one's the death penalty.

138
00:06:02,799 --> 00:06:04,032
You were very lucky.

139
00:06:04,033 --> 00:06:06,435
We managed to pump your stomach
just in time.

140
00:06:06,436 --> 00:06:07,803
Oh, thank God.

141
00:06:07,804 --> 00:06:10,406
I had him pump my stomach, too.
Doc, what was in there?

142
00:06:10,407 --> 00:06:12,247
Well, it's a pretty extensive list.

143
00:06:12,248 --> 00:06:14,266
I'm gonna need Billy Joel
to help me out.

144
00:06:14,267 --> 00:06:17,479
? Lots of Legos, rubber bands,
web-shooting Spider-Man ?

145
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,916
? An old pet rock, an antique
clock, a ton of red Play-Doh ?

146
00:06:20,917 --> 00:06:22,651
? Colored pencils, lots of nickels ?

147
00:06:22,652 --> 00:06:24,553
? Half a jar of Vlasic Pickles ?

148
00:06:24,554 --> 00:06:27,656
? Banjo strings, chicken wings,
Cassingle by Skee-Lo ?

149
00:06:27,657 --> 00:06:30,359
? I didn't poop those items

150
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:34,229
? They were in my tummy
'cause they all looked yummy ?

151
00:06:34,230 --> 00:06:37,065
? He didn't poop those items ?

152
00:06:37,066 --> 00:06:40,702
? He tried to eat 'em,
so you shouldn't feed him. ?

153
00:06:41,704 --> 00:06:43,639
Wow, that was great, Billy!

154
00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:46,708
Hey, does anyone call you
Bill Joel or William Joel?

155
00:06:46,709 --> 00:06:49,845
Uh, no. Does anyone call you
Petey Griffin?

156
00:06:49,846 --> 00:06:51,747
No, they don't, because I'm an adult,

157
00:06:51,748 --> 00:06:54,116
which is kind of what I was getting at.

158
00:06:58,554 --> 00:07:01,690
Ugh. Who sends a Christmas card
to their vet?

159
00:07:01,691 --> 00:07:03,892
I know. It's so lame, right?

160
00:07:03,893 --> 00:07:06,862
And did you see the lady outside
with the empty cat carrier?

161
00:07:06,863 --> 00:07:08,697
Ugh. Cry much?

162
00:07:08,698 --> 00:07:11,199
Yeah. Yeah, I bet she actually
thinks that thing loved her.

163
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,769
Hey, I'm Brian.

164
00:07:13,770 --> 00:07:14,870
Shake.

165
00:07:14,871 --> 00:07:16,438
Nice to meet you. I'm Ellie.

166
00:07:16,439 --> 00:07:17,906
What are you in for?

167
00:07:17,907 --> 00:07:20,309
Uh, I got this small cut,
and they wanted to bandage it

168
00:07:20,310 --> 00:07:22,711
so I'd stop chewing
the crap out of my foot.

169
00:07:22,712 --> 00:07:25,247
Aw, that sucks. I love chewing
the crap out of my foot.

170
00:07:25,248 --> 00:07:26,481
I know, it's the best.

171
00:07:26,482 --> 00:07:28,450
But while I was here,
I also had to get...

172
00:07:32,722 --> 00:07:34,222
a prescription filled.

173
00:07:34,223 --> 00:07:35,557
Listen, I got to go.

174
00:07:35,558 --> 00:07:37,426
You want to continue this sometime?

175
00:07:37,427 --> 00:07:40,062
Let me give you my number.
It's on the back of here.

176
00:07:40,063 --> 00:07:41,997
- It's this.
- Got it.

177
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,668
See you around, Brian.

178
00:07:46,669 --> 00:07:48,370
Definitely.

179
00:07:48,371 --> 00:07:50,405
Bye, Ellie.

180
00:07:50,406 --> 00:07:53,075
Is this the Veteran Aryan's office?

181
00:07:53,076 --> 00:07:55,277
No, this is the veterinarian's.

182
00:07:55,278 --> 00:07:58,714
I think you want the Veteran
Aryan's Center next door.

183
00:07:58,715 --> 00:08:02,284
Ah, I see the confusion.
This must happen all the time.

184
00:08:02,285 --> 00:08:03,919
We're ready for the German shepherd.

185
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,487
Ja, that would be me.

186
00:08:05,488 --> 00:08:07,489
This is a very confusing lobby.

187
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,273
Hey. Hey.

188
00:08:25,274 --> 00:08:28,043
You think you could be with me?
Right here? In this place?

189
00:08:28,044 --> 00:08:29,511
Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. Sorry, Stewie.

190
00:08:29,512 --> 00:08:30,979
It's-it's just...

191
00:08:30,980 --> 00:08:34,516
I met someone amazing the other
day at the vet's office, and...

192
00:08:34,517 --> 00:08:36,218
Well, she's actually a dog.

193
00:08:36,219 --> 00:08:38,787
And it's so great dating someone
who understands

194
00:08:38,788 --> 00:08:41,523
why it's especially important
to walk around in a circle

195
00:08:41,524 --> 00:08:43,525
many, many times before lying down.

196
00:08:43,526 --> 00:08:45,160
So, that's who you were texting with?

197
00:08:45,161 --> 00:08:47,195
Sort of. I-I was just rereading
some of the texts

198
00:08:47,196 --> 00:08:48,697
I already sent her.

199
00:08:48,698 --> 00:08:50,699
That's good.

200
00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:52,134
You're rereading your own texts?

201
00:08:52,135 --> 00:08:54,002
Yeah, do you, do you not do that?

202
00:08:54,003 --> 00:08:56,004
Nobody does that.

203
00:09:00,943 --> 00:09:03,378
Golden Eagle to Red Shrew.
Ready for the plan?

204
00:09:03,379 --> 00:09:05,113
Come in, Red Shrew.

205
00:09:05,114 --> 00:09:07,783
Peter, we did not decide on those names.

206
00:09:07,784 --> 00:09:11,386
Chris, come down here, quick!
I see Arthur Valentine outside!

207
00:09:11,387 --> 00:09:13,188
I think he's come to say hi!

208
00:09:13,189 --> 00:09:14,189
Really?!

209
00:09:14,190 --> 00:09:15,490
Yeah, look.

210
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:19,161
Oh, my God. Hi, Arthur!

211
00:09:19,162 --> 00:09:22,330
I love you so much,
and I haven't cussed once today!

212
00:09:22,331 --> 00:09:25,434
Dad, get the bowl of tuna
from under my bed!

213
00:09:30,239 --> 00:09:32,207
Arthur!

214
00:09:32,208 --> 00:09:34,443
Oh, my God, he's dead.

215
00:09:34,444 --> 00:09:35,711
He's dead!

216
00:09:39,449 --> 00:09:44,219
Mission accomplished, Red Shrew.
Over and out.

217
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,154
Huh. That looks tasty.

218
00:09:47,790 --> 00:09:50,959
Little walkie-talkie piece.

219
00:09:56,733 --> 00:09:59,301
God, I forgot how much I love art.

220
00:09:59,302 --> 00:10:00,936
Hey, who's your favorite artist?

221
00:10:00,937 --> 00:10:02,738
Me? Uh...

222
00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:06,575
You know, I really like,
uh, that Jackson "Polack."

223
00:10:06,576 --> 00:10:08,910
You know, I-I know they're not
supposed to be that bright,

224
00:10:08,911 --> 00:10:10,779
but that was, that was
pretty genius, you know?

225
00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:13,615
I mean, leave it, leave it to
a Polack to just grab the paint

226
00:10:13,616 --> 00:10:15,617
with his hands and just start
chucking it everywhere.

227
00:10:15,618 --> 00:10:16,918
I mean, it's great.

228
00:10:16,919 --> 00:10:18,787
It's pronounced "Pollock."

229
00:10:18,788 --> 00:10:21,356
But, Brian, you don't
have to keep trying so hard

230
00:10:21,357 --> 00:10:22,524
to impress me.

231
00:10:22,525 --> 00:10:24,292
I already really like you.

232
00:10:24,293 --> 00:10:25,961
You do? Thanks.

233
00:10:25,962 --> 00:10:28,497
I-I really like you, too, Ellie.

234
00:10:28,498 --> 00:10:32,400
Truth is, I haven't felt this
way with anyone in a long time.

235
00:10:32,401 --> 00:10:34,336
Listen, I'm really sorry
to cut things short,

236
00:10:34,337 --> 00:10:36,505
but I've got to go; I have rehearsal.

237
00:10:36,506 --> 00:10:38,473
- Oh, what, for a play?
- No.

238
00:10:38,474 --> 00:10:41,710
It's kind of dumb,
but it's for a dog show.

239
00:10:41,711 --> 00:10:43,044
Oh, you're a show dog?

240
00:10:43,045 --> 00:10:45,280
No wonder you have
such a perfectly coiffed anus.

241
00:10:45,281 --> 00:10:46,314
Thank you.

242
00:10:46,315 --> 00:10:48,316
No, thank you. It's perfect.

243
00:10:48,317 --> 00:10:50,986
I mean, I... God, I-I bet every
time you go snaffling on it,

244
00:10:50,987 --> 00:10:52,821
you have to stop and admire it.

245
00:10:52,822 --> 00:10:53,889
Come on, now, Brian.

246
00:10:53,890 --> 00:10:55,757
A lady has to have a few secrets.

247
00:10:57,827 --> 00:10:59,995
Man, she is something else.

248
00:10:59,996 --> 00:11:02,998
This must be how Ronald Reagan
felt about Nancy.

249
00:11:02,999 --> 00:11:06,334
Nancy, will you make me
the happiest man in the world

250
00:11:06,335 --> 00:11:08,804
by turning a blind eye
to the AIDS crisis

251
00:11:08,805 --> 00:11:12,007
and ineffectually trying to warn
young people about drugs?

252
00:11:12,008 --> 00:11:13,008
Yes!

253
00:11:13,009 --> 00:11:14,676
Oh, yes, Ronnie! Yes!

254
00:11:14,677 --> 00:11:16,344
? If you're too young ?

255
00:11:16,345 --> 00:11:18,980
? Those are both things she did! ?

256
00:11:24,053 --> 00:11:26,855
Peter, I'm really worried about Chris.

257
00:11:26,856 --> 00:11:29,157
The shock of seeing Arthur Valentine die

258
00:11:29,158 --> 00:11:31,026
seems to have really gotten to him.

259
00:11:31,027 --> 00:11:34,196
I-I've never seen him
so depressed and catatonic.

260
00:11:34,197 --> 00:11:35,530
Well, you know, in Awakenings,

261
00:11:35,531 --> 00:11:37,766
Robin Williams tossed a baseball
to Robert De Niro,

262
00:11:37,767 --> 00:11:39,634
and he snapped out of it and caught it.

263
00:11:39,635 --> 00:11:40,936
M-Maybe we do that.

264
00:11:40,937 --> 00:11:43,738
Chris, you doing okay?

265
00:11:43,739 --> 00:11:45,407
It's Mom and Dad.

266
00:11:45,408 --> 00:11:47,209
We thought we'd... Awakenings!

267
00:11:47,210 --> 00:11:48,510
Peter, I'm not sure that's...

268
00:11:48,511 --> 00:11:49,511
Awakenings!

269
00:11:49,512 --> 00:11:50,579
You're gonna hurt him if you...

270
00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:51,580
Awakenings!

271
00:11:51,581 --> 00:11:52,981
Peter, knock it off.

272
00:11:52,982 --> 00:11:56,017
I never thought Chris would
take things so hard.

273
00:11:56,018 --> 00:11:58,854
I think we went too far
by killing Arthur Valentine.

274
00:11:58,855 --> 00:12:00,755
We have to bring him back to life.

275
00:12:00,756 --> 00:12:02,290
What? Are you serious?

276
00:12:02,291 --> 00:12:05,026
It's the only thing
that'll snap him out of it.

277
00:12:05,027 --> 00:12:07,762
Well, maybe, but what if
I try it with a basketball?

278
00:12:07,763 --> 00:12:09,097
Awakenings!

279
00:12:09,098 --> 00:12:10,765
Oh, God, that broke his nose.

280
00:12:10,766 --> 00:12:13,501
He didn't even flinch.
It's bad. Let's do your thing.

281
00:12:13,502 --> 00:12:15,737
Let's-let's twirl some
toilet paper up into his nose,

282
00:12:15,738 --> 00:12:18,340
and-and then when...
we'll-we'll do your thing.

283
00:12:22,245 --> 00:12:23,879
Wow, thanks again.

284
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,580
What a nice dinner.

285
00:12:25,581 --> 00:12:27,716
I'm so lucky to have met you, Brian.

286
00:12:27,717 --> 00:12:29,751
You're such an amazing guy.

287
00:12:29,752 --> 00:12:32,087
I'd say we're both lucky.

288
00:12:32,088 --> 00:12:33,388
Oh, no, no, no, wait!

289
00:12:33,389 --> 00:12:35,123
Don't-don't do that.

290
00:12:35,124 --> 00:12:36,725
What-what? What's the matter?

291
00:12:36,726 --> 00:12:38,393
Oh, brutal.

292
00:12:38,394 --> 00:12:41,062
Yeah, that's gonna be
a terrible car ride, man.

293
00:12:41,063 --> 00:12:44,065
I would hate to be you, and I'm me.

294
00:12:44,066 --> 00:12:45,433
I'm really sorry, Brian.

295
00:12:45,434 --> 00:12:47,435
It's not that I don't want to kiss you.

296
00:12:47,436 --> 00:12:50,939
I smell the poop on your breath,
and then that's all I want,

297
00:12:50,940 --> 00:12:53,074
but my owners made an arrangement

298
00:12:53,075 --> 00:12:55,410
with the organizers
of the next dog show.

299
00:12:55,411 --> 00:12:58,113
They paid a lot of money
to schedule me to breed

300
00:12:58,114 --> 00:13:00,815
with whichever male dog
wins the competition.

301
00:13:00,816 --> 00:13:03,752
What, like... like breed breed?

302
00:13:03,753 --> 00:13:05,420
I know it might seem odd to you,

303
00:13:05,421 --> 00:13:07,989
but this happens in the dog show world.

304
00:13:07,990 --> 00:13:10,825
I have to have sex with
whichever male dog wins,

305
00:13:10,826 --> 00:13:12,527
whoever that ends up being.

306
00:13:15,064 --> 00:13:18,400
Stewie, we're entering a dog show!

307
00:13:18,401 --> 00:13:20,168
- Where's Stewie?
- He ate me!

308
00:13:20,169 --> 00:13:22,337
- I ate him.
- ? He ate Stewie, holy crap ?

309
00:13:22,338 --> 00:13:23,939
? Family Guy will be right back! ?

310
00:13:30,269 --> 00:13:32,108
All right Brian,
now if we're going to get you

311
00:13:32,109 --> 00:13:33,608
ready to compete in that dog show,

312
00:13:33,609 --> 00:13:35,276
we've got a lot of training to cover.

313
00:13:35,277 --> 00:13:37,445
Let's begin by doing
some work with the clicker.

314
00:13:37,446 --> 00:13:38,947
Oh, yeah, I've seen these.

315
00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:40,949
You click it when
you want me to do a trick,

316
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:43,051
and then I get a treat,
so I associate the two.

317
00:13:43,052 --> 00:13:45,286
No. I use it to punctuate my jokes.

318
00:13:45,287 --> 00:13:48,356
Now, Brian you've got to roll
over and be good on all fours.

319
00:13:48,357 --> 00:13:50,458
If Nathan Lane can do it, so can you.

320
00:13:50,459 --> 00:13:52,360
Okay.

321
00:13:52,361 --> 00:13:54,929
But maybe we should just focus
on getting ready for the show.

322
00:13:54,930 --> 00:13:56,631
Well, look who wants to be prepared.

323
00:13:56,632 --> 00:13:58,967
You're a regular Beagle Scout.

324
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:01,870
Wait, shouldn't I be the one
who clicks if I like the joke?

325
00:14:01,871 --> 00:14:03,872
You can't just click
after everything you say.

326
00:14:03,873 --> 00:14:06,474
If it's funny, I can.
And so far, they've all landed.

327
00:14:06,475 --> 00:14:09,310
Unlike the planes on 9/11.

328
00:14:09,311 --> 00:14:10,845
See? No click.

329
00:14:10,846 --> 00:14:12,680
That one was in poor taste. Not funny.

330
00:14:12,681 --> 00:14:14,983
You know, I was supposed to be
on one of those planes.

331
00:14:14,984 --> 00:14:16,284
Yeah, me, too.

332
00:14:21,824 --> 00:14:24,492
Um, yes. Brian Griffin.

333
00:14:24,493 --> 00:14:25,660
Brian?

334
00:14:25,661 --> 00:14:27,328
What are you doing here?

335
00:14:27,329 --> 00:14:28,663
Oh, hey!

336
00:14:28,664 --> 00:14:30,999
Uh, you know, I...
You-you just made dog shows

337
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,902
sound so fun the other day,
I-I thought I'd give it a try.

338
00:14:33,903 --> 00:14:36,371
Who knows? Maybe I'll end up top dog.

339
00:14:36,372 --> 00:14:38,072
And on top of you.

340
00:14:38,073 --> 00:14:39,641
Thanks, Stewie.

341
00:14:39,642 --> 00:14:42,443
Brian, most of these dogs
have been training since birth.

342
00:14:42,444 --> 00:14:44,012
Are you sure you're ready for this?

343
00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:46,514
You bet I am.
I've never been so prepared.

344
00:14:46,515 --> 00:14:48,216
I'm a regular Beagle Scout.

345
00:14:52,521 --> 00:14:53,855
That's hilarious.

346
00:14:53,856 --> 00:14:55,089
Good luck, Brian.

347
00:15:02,998 --> 00:15:05,066
Chris, you got to snap out of this.

348
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:08,069
I mean, I've been where you're at.

349
00:15:08,070 --> 00:15:10,705
Listen, I've never told anyone this,

350
00:15:10,706 --> 00:15:13,908
but I killed a jaywalker in 2002.

351
00:15:13,909 --> 00:15:16,377
She looked old, but she was only 51.

352
00:15:16,378 --> 00:15:18,379
I mean, back then, that was old to me.

353
00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:21,449
It's why I always talk
and ask questions so much.

354
00:15:21,450 --> 00:15:25,220
When there's any moment
of quiet, I think about her.

355
00:15:25,221 --> 00:15:27,655
That's why all mothers do that.

356
00:15:27,656 --> 00:15:31,192
Every mother has killed someone.

357
00:15:31,193 --> 00:15:33,094
Now drink your ginger ale.

358
00:15:33,095 --> 00:15:34,395
Hey, hey, hey!

359
00:15:34,396 --> 00:15:35,997
It's Arthur Valentine,

360
00:15:35,998 --> 00:15:38,466
here to accelerate awkwardly
into a bush.

361
00:15:39,935 --> 00:15:41,769
Damn it!

362
00:15:44,106 --> 00:15:46,641
Arthur...

363
00:15:46,642 --> 00:15:48,409
Valentine?

364
00:15:48,410 --> 00:15:50,545
Chris! You're okay!

365
00:15:50,546 --> 00:15:52,747
But I saw him die.

366
00:15:52,748 --> 00:15:54,916
That can only mean one thing.

367
00:15:54,917 --> 00:15:56,751
He must be a zombie!

368
00:15:56,752 --> 00:15:58,786
What? No! No, no. What?!

369
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:02,323
Stop!

370
00:16:02,324 --> 00:16:03,591
What the hell are you doing?!

371
00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:06,094
I've seen The Walking Dead!

372
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:07,629
I have to destroy your brain

373
00:16:07,630 --> 00:16:09,764
and then talk about it
for the next hour!

374
00:16:09,765 --> 00:16:11,232
- Chris, take it easy!
- Get off of him!

375
00:16:11,233 --> 00:16:13,101
- You're gonna kill me!
- It's not what you think!

376
00:16:14,937 --> 00:16:16,070
Dad?

377
00:16:16,071 --> 00:16:17,505
But... I don't...

378
00:16:17,506 --> 00:16:18,773
I... How did...

379
00:16:18,774 --> 00:16:20,942
I'm not Arthur Valentine, son.

380
00:16:20,943 --> 00:16:22,810
We're so sorry, Chris.

381
00:16:22,811 --> 00:16:24,779
Now do you understand?

382
00:16:24,780 --> 00:16:27,448
There is no Arthur Valentine?

383
00:16:27,449 --> 00:16:29,717
We never meant to hurt you, buddy.

384
00:16:33,289 --> 00:16:36,291
Valentine's Day would
take on new meaning for Chris

385
00:16:36,292 --> 00:16:37,992
in the years to come,

386
00:16:37,993 --> 00:16:42,330
but he would remember none
so bittersweetly as this one.

387
00:16:42,331 --> 00:16:45,934
This is Joe Swanson, signing off.

388
00:16:45,935 --> 00:16:47,468
Joe, your mom died.

389
00:16:47,469 --> 00:16:49,070
Seriously?

390
00:16:55,678 --> 00:16:58,046
How you doing? You feeling good?

391
00:16:58,047 --> 00:17:00,682
Because this thing is gonna
come down to the arbitrary whims

392
00:17:00,683 --> 00:17:02,350
of whatever elderly volunteers

393
00:17:02,351 --> 00:17:04,786
were able to get transportation
here on a Tuesday.

394
00:17:04,787 --> 00:17:06,554
Yeah, I... Hey, watch it!

395
00:17:06,555 --> 00:17:08,156
The hell's his problem?

396
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:09,724
Careful. That's your competition.

397
00:17:09,725 --> 00:17:11,125
His name's Max.

398
00:17:11,126 --> 00:17:14,228
He's a four-time winner
and kind of a crowd favorite.

399
00:17:18,867 --> 00:17:20,868
Okay, who wants to start the dog show?

400
00:17:20,869 --> 00:17:22,403
Who wants to start it?

401
00:17:22,404 --> 00:17:24,672
Yes, you all want to start
the dog show, don't you?

402
00:17:24,673 --> 00:17:27,508
Don't you?

403
00:17:27,509 --> 00:17:30,278
?

404
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:49,297
?

405
00:18:10,386 --> 00:18:12,353
That'll do it for the males.

406
00:18:12,354 --> 00:18:14,255
And as our judges tabulate the results,

407
00:18:14,256 --> 00:18:16,891
we can now announce our female division.

408
00:18:16,892 --> 00:18:19,727
The winning bitch,
for the tenth year in a row,

409
00:18:19,728 --> 00:18:21,896
is Katherine Heigl!

410
00:18:21,897 --> 00:18:23,664
Thank you, thank you.

411
00:18:23,665 --> 00:18:26,968
No, but for real,
it's that dog Ellie over there.

412
00:18:31,106 --> 00:18:34,942
And our winner
in the male division is...

413
00:18:34,943 --> 00:18:36,711
Brian Griffin!

414
00:18:36,712 --> 00:18:38,646
Yes!

415
00:18:43,752 --> 00:18:45,620
Man, thank you for
all your help, Stewie.

416
00:18:45,621 --> 00:18:46,821
I really couldn't have done it...

417
00:18:46,822 --> 00:18:48,256
What the... What's going on?

418
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,761
This-this is it?

419
00:18:53,762 --> 00:18:56,097
It's happening right here? Right now?

420
00:18:56,098 --> 00:18:58,766
Uh-huh. They have to certify
the union, Brian.

421
00:18:58,767 --> 00:19:00,268
Stud is ready to mount.

422
00:19:00,269 --> 00:19:01,636
Please turn up the lights.

423
00:19:01,637 --> 00:19:03,771
What? No! No, the opposite!

424
00:19:03,772 --> 00:19:05,306
In fact, could someone maybe turn on

425
00:19:05,307 --> 00:19:07,275
some-some Drake or The Weekend?

426
00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:09,710
Ha! He's blowing it! He can't do it!

427
00:19:09,711 --> 00:19:11,646
Quagmire?! What are you doing here?

428
00:19:11,647 --> 00:19:13,081
Oh, I have an all-access pass

429
00:19:13,082 --> 00:19:15,249
to anything in this town
that's sex-related.

430
00:19:15,250 --> 00:19:16,617
Offering manual assistance.

431
00:19:16,618 --> 00:19:17,718
Commencing union.

432
00:19:17,719 --> 00:19:19,954
Okay, okay, thanks, man, but, yeah, no,

433
00:19:19,955 --> 00:19:21,456
I-I got this, I got this.

434
00:19:21,457 --> 00:19:23,424
If-if you just-just give me
a second to get, like,

435
00:19:23,425 --> 00:19:24,792
a scenario in my head.

436
00:19:24,793 --> 00:19:28,590
Uh, maybe a hot babysitter
who needs to pay for college

437
00:19:28,591 --> 00:19:29,764
so she, uh...

438
00:19:29,765 --> 00:19:31,766
Can somebody please shut those dogs up?!

439
00:19:31,767 --> 00:19:34,302
This specimen is unable to perform.

440
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:35,736
Please bring in the boxer.

441
00:19:40,275 --> 00:19:42,276
I'm sorry, Brian, but this is

442
00:19:42,277 --> 00:19:43,978
what I was trying to tell you.

443
00:19:43,979 --> 00:19:47,148
I'm sorry, too, but I see now
that you were right.

444
00:19:47,149 --> 00:19:48,983
I'm just not sure how this could work

445
00:19:48,984 --> 00:19:51,819
or-or how our relationship
could fit into your world.

446
00:19:51,820 --> 00:19:53,354
Hey, less talk!

447
00:19:53,355 --> 00:19:55,223
I guess this is good-bye.

448
00:19:55,224 --> 00:19:56,557
I guess it is.

449
00:19:56,558 --> 00:19:58,659
I'll always remember you, Brian.

450
00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:00,595
And I'll always remember you, Ellie.

451
00:20:00,596 --> 00:20:03,865
I promise to name
one of the puppies after you.

452
00:20:03,866 --> 00:20:06,400
Let's just cross our fingers...

453
00:20:06,401 --> 00:20:08,603
it's not one of the ones he eats.

454
00:20:08,604 --> 00:20:10,037
Thanks. That means a lot...

455
00:20:10,038 --> 00:20:12,006
Okay, we're at the part
where he bites down

456
00:20:12,007 --> 00:20:14,542
on the back of my neck, so we
should probably wrap this up.

457
00:20:14,543 --> 00:20:15,810
Yup.

458
00:20:15,811 --> 00:20:19,046
Whoa! Max's grandfather
may have been a horse.

459
00:20:19,047 --> 00:20:20,581
Come on, let's just go home.

460
00:20:20,582 --> 00:20:22,183
Okay.

461
00:20:22,184 --> 00:20:25,186
Is this the romantic ending
you were hoping for?

462
00:20:25,187 --> 00:20:27,355
Look, that was a tricky
situation, all right?

463
00:20:27,356 --> 00:20:29,357
The lights, the people watching.

464
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:31,058
If-if it hadn't been for all that, I...

465
00:20:31,059 --> 00:20:33,828
trust me, I-I would've, I
would've set her world on fire.

466
00:20:33,829 --> 00:20:35,596
No way. You didn't even start the fire.

467
00:20:35,597 --> 00:20:37,165
Oh, no.

468
00:20:37,166 --> 00:20:38,432
? Nancy Reagan, preschool Chris ?

469
00:20:38,433 --> 00:20:40,168
? Sey valet, young Lois ?

470
00:20:40,169 --> 00:20:41,836
? German guy, lots of dogs ?

471
00:20:41,837 --> 00:20:43,404
? Arthur Valentine ?

472
00:20:43,405 --> 00:20:46,240
? We didn't write an ending ?

473
00:20:46,241 --> 00:20:50,044
? So we're all together,
trying to make it better ?

474
00:20:50,045 --> 00:20:53,247
? They didn't write an ending ?

475
00:20:53,248 --> 00:20:56,284
? But what the heck?
I'll still take the check ?

476
00:20:56,285 --> 00:20:58,352
? The check, the check. ?

477
00:20:59,354 --> 00:21:00,821
Mom killed a jaywalker.

478
00:21:03,870 --> 00:21:06,870
Sync and corrections by AlexandreMT
www.addic7ed.com