1
00:00:03,534 --> 00:00:05,067
Hey, can you do me a favor?

2
00:00:05,069 --> 00:00:08,003
Can we try to avoid talking
to our friends tonight

3
00:00:08,005 --> 00:00:09,337
about our wedding plans?

4
00:00:09,339 --> 00:00:11,139
I'll do you one better.

5
00:00:11,141 --> 00:00:13,075
I'll avoid talking
to our friends entirely

6
00:00:13,077 --> 00:00:15,444
and play on my phone.

7
00:00:15,446 --> 00:00:18,213
It's just, I haven't picked
a maid of honor yet,

8
00:00:18,215 --> 00:00:21,083
and I'm having trouble deciding
between Penny and Bernadette.

9
00:00:21,085 --> 00:00:22,851
Ah, understandable.

10
00:00:22,853 --> 00:00:24,152
They are quite similar--

11
00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:29,057
both blonde former waitresses
who married beneath them.

12
00:00:29,059 --> 00:00:30,826
Penny is my best friend,

13
00:00:30,828 --> 00:00:32,594
but I was Bernadette's
maid of honor,

14
00:00:32,596 --> 00:00:34,262
and I think
she kind of expects it.

15
00:00:34,264 --> 00:00:36,465
So if anyone brings
it up tonight,

16
00:00:36,467 --> 00:00:38,633
just maybe you can help
me change the subject.

17
00:00:38,635 --> 00:00:40,001
How about this?

18
00:00:40,003 --> 00:00:42,003
I dominate
the conversation so hard,

19
00:00:42,005 --> 00:00:45,107
no one has a chance
to get a word in edgewise.

20
00:00:46,276 --> 00:00:48,143
I don't know.

21
00:00:48,145 --> 00:00:50,045
They might see that coming.

22
00:00:50,047 --> 00:00:51,813
What if we have
a code word?

23
00:00:51,815 --> 00:00:54,583
Ooh, now you're speaking
my catamaran.

24
00:00:56,019 --> 00:00:57,753
That's my code word
for "language."

25
00:00:57,755 --> 00:01:00,188
Okay, fine, catamaran.

26
00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:01,556
That's our code word.

27
00:01:01,558 --> 00:01:03,692
No, that's my code word.
Get your own.

28
00:01:03,694 --> 00:01:07,429
Okay. Uh, pretzels.

29
00:01:07,431 --> 00:01:10,332
You hear me say pretzels,
you change the subject.

30
00:01:10,334 --> 00:01:13,869
Rhinos are my least favorite
animals at the zoo.

31
00:01:13,871 --> 00:01:15,604
What?

32
00:01:15,606 --> 00:01:18,306
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we started.

33
00:01:20,177 --> 00:01:24,212
Hey, just-just hold the gate
still while I screw it in.

34
00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:25,480
You know, I don't
know how I feel

35
00:01:25,482 --> 00:01:27,182
about all this
baby-proofing.

36
00:01:27,184 --> 00:01:29,417
If Halley can't teach herself
to walk down the stairs,

37
00:01:29,419 --> 00:01:31,086
then maybe that's nature's way
of saying

38
00:01:31,088 --> 00:01:33,688
the Wolowitz line ends here.

39
00:01:34,558 --> 00:01:35,857
That's funny.
I always thought

40
00:01:35,859 --> 00:01:37,392
Howard was nature's
way of saying

41
00:01:37,394 --> 00:01:39,528
the Wolowitz
line ends here.

42
00:01:40,731 --> 00:01:44,733
Me, too, but life does
find a way!

43
00:01:44,735 --> 00:01:47,803
Hey, Halley can't reach
the liquor cabinet.

44
00:01:47,805 --> 00:01:48,970
Why did you baby-proof it?

45
00:01:48,972 --> 00:01:51,640
How did you know we did?

46
00:01:52,876 --> 00:01:55,076
Fair point.

47
00:01:56,380 --> 00:01:58,647
Bernadette
still going stir-crazy?

48
00:01:58,649 --> 00:02:00,048
Oh, a little.

49
00:02:00,050 --> 00:02:02,150
Two months of bed rest--
it's kind of rough.

50
00:02:02,152 --> 00:02:04,319
Really? That sounds great.
How do I get that?

51
00:02:04,321 --> 00:02:08,156
You'd either have to break your
hip or let Howard knock you up.

52
00:02:09,426 --> 00:02:12,260
Now, either way, you'll get
flowers the next morning.

53
00:02:12,262 --> 00:02:15,197
She's actually been
keeping herself busy

54
00:02:15,199 --> 00:02:17,299
doing wedding research for you.

55
00:02:17,301 --> 00:02:21,136
Oh, she-she doesn't
have to do that.

56
00:02:21,138 --> 00:02:23,839
She wants to. After all,
you were her maid of honor.

57
00:02:26,376 --> 00:02:29,110
Sheldon, tell your funny story
about pretzels.

58
00:02:30,781 --> 00:02:32,380
Oh, right. Yeah, oh, yeah.

59
00:02:32,382 --> 00:02:34,015
Did you know
that we've been thinking

60
00:02:34,017 --> 00:02:36,251
of having pretzels
at our wedding? Hmm?

61
00:02:36,253 --> 00:02:38,453
No, no. No, no, no,
no, no. I'm sorry.

62
00:02:38,455 --> 00:02:40,455
No, rhinos. We're having
rhinos at our wedding.

63
00:02:40,457 --> 00:02:43,024
No!
I got to go.

64
00:02:47,464 --> 00:02:48,964
I'm gonna need some help.

65
00:02:48,966 --> 00:02:51,032
Someone baby-proofed
the front door.

66
00:02:52,236 --> 00:02:55,871
? Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ?

67
00:02:55,873 --> 00:02:59,207
? Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ?

68
00:02:59,209 --> 00:03:00,775
? The Earth began to cool ?

69
00:03:00,777 --> 00:03:03,345
? The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ?

70
00:03:03,347 --> 00:03:06,047
? We built the Wall ?
? We built the pyramids ?

71
00:03:06,049 --> 00:03:08,683
? Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ?

72
00:03:08,685 --> 00:03:10,619
? That all started
with a big bang ?

73
00:03:10,621 --> 00:03:10,737
? Bang! ?

74
00:03:10,738 --> 00:03:14,738
? The Big Bang Theory 11x12 ?
The Matrimonial Metric

75
00:03:14,739 --> 00:03:17,739
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

76
00:03:17,788 --> 00:03:20,556
Sheldon, what am I gonna do
about my maid of honor?

77
00:03:20,558 --> 00:03:23,258
I mean, Bernadette gave me
all these bridal magazines.

78
00:03:23,260 --> 00:03:25,994
She even folded down the pages
with the good dresses.

79
00:03:25,996 --> 00:03:27,296
Hmm. Hmm.

80
00:03:27,298 --> 00:03:28,697
I get it.

81
00:03:28,699 --> 00:03:31,433
You know, Leonard once borrowed
my Edmund Scientific catalogue

82
00:03:31,435 --> 00:03:32,935
and dog-eared some pages.

83
00:03:32,937 --> 00:03:35,204
Never got 'em straight again.

84
00:03:36,273 --> 00:03:38,440
Well, that is
exactly the same thing.

85
00:03:38,442 --> 00:03:41,643
You really
understand my dilemma.

86
00:03:41,645 --> 00:03:44,613
Actually, I do.
My mother

87
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:47,282
is pushing for my brother,
Georgie, to be my best man,

88
00:03:47,284 --> 00:03:48,984
and I hate
to disappoint her again.

89
00:03:48,986 --> 00:03:51,787
I already rejected her savior
and her LinkedIn invitation.

90
00:03:53,757 --> 00:03:55,591
How are we gonna
make these decisions

91
00:03:55,593 --> 00:03:57,793
without anybody getting upset?

92
00:03:57,795 --> 00:04:02,064
Well, what if we take emotion
out of the process,

93
00:04:02,066 --> 00:04:04,366
and base it
on empirical metrics?

94
00:04:04,368 --> 00:04:07,002
Then we aren't really
making the decision;

95
00:04:07,004 --> 00:04:08,570
the data is.

96
00:04:08,572 --> 00:04:10,572
So we can hurt our
friends' feelings

97
00:04:10,574 --> 00:04:13,175
without taking any
responsibility?

98
00:04:15,813 --> 00:04:18,013
Me likey.

99
00:04:19,783 --> 00:04:21,817
But how do we apply
quantitative metrics

100
00:04:21,819 --> 00:04:24,486
to something as subjective
as choosing a wedding party?

101
00:04:24,488 --> 00:04:26,922
That decision only
seems subjective.

102
00:04:26,924 --> 00:04:28,357
In reality,

103
00:04:28,359 --> 00:04:31,193
people in a wedding party
perform very specific functions,

104
00:04:31,195 --> 00:04:33,061
and some will perform those
better than others.

105
00:04:33,063 --> 00:04:35,104
If I may use
a superhero analogy...

106
00:04:35,128 --> 00:04:36,232
You may not.

107
00:04:36,233 --> 00:04:37,933
Okay, I'll use real people.

108
00:04:37,935 --> 00:04:41,436
Um, if a certain
dog-like loyalty is useful,

109
00:04:41,438 --> 00:04:43,705
then it's Leonard, hmm?

110
00:04:43,707 --> 00:04:45,207
If, uh, having a PEZ dispenser

111
00:04:45,209 --> 00:04:48,076
filled with TUMS is
an advantage, Wolowitz, yeah.

112
00:04:48,078 --> 00:04:50,979
If a best man
with fake testicles hanging

113
00:04:50,981 --> 00:04:52,281
from his truck is important,

114
00:04:52,283 --> 00:04:54,683
well, then, my brother's
back in the running.

115
00:04:56,287 --> 00:04:58,186
Okay, I see your point.

116
00:04:58,188 --> 00:05:00,522
So we break down
each of the roles

117
00:05:00,524 --> 00:05:02,157
into their component parts,

118
00:05:02,159 --> 00:05:04,993
and then design
specialized tests for each.

119
00:05:04,995 --> 00:05:08,063
Exactly. Boy, if I had known
getting married was going to

120
00:05:08,065 --> 00:05:11,333
involve so much science,
I'd have proposed years ago.

121
00:05:13,437 --> 00:05:15,637
So Leonard,
tell everyone your news.

122
00:05:15,639 --> 00:05:18,073
Oh, oh, I'm
starting a book.

123
00:05:18,075 --> 00:05:20,309
That would be big news
from Penny,

124
00:05:20,311 --> 00:05:23,712
but you've read a book before.

125
00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:26,715
He means he's writing a book.

126
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:29,718
I do. It's something I've been
thinking about for a long time.

127
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,820
Yeah. It's about
a brilliant physicist

128
00:05:31,822 --> 00:05:34,189
who solves crimes
using science.

129
00:05:34,191 --> 00:05:35,257
Oh, Leonard...

130
00:05:35,259 --> 00:05:37,059
It's not about you.

131
00:05:38,929 --> 00:05:41,163
He probably has to say
that for legal reasons.

132
00:05:41,165 --> 00:05:43,298
Uh-oh.

133
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:46,335
They gave us plain rice
instead of fried rice.

134
00:05:46,337 --> 00:05:47,903
Well, no fair!

135
00:05:47,905 --> 00:05:49,171
I SoulCycled this morning.

136
00:05:49,173 --> 00:05:51,673
I'm entitled
to a pile of fat rice.

137
00:05:51,675 --> 00:05:57,045
Well, I would say that this
constitutes a catering crisis.

138
00:05:57,047 --> 00:06:00,916
I agree. Who's gonna
step up and handle it?

139
00:06:05,489 --> 00:06:07,255
Doesn't matter.
This is fine.

140
00:06:11,562 --> 00:06:12,694
Penny?

141
00:06:12,696 --> 00:06:15,464
What?

142
00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:18,133
You know what?
I'll take care of it.

143
00:06:35,252 --> 00:06:37,085
Done.

144
00:06:37,087 --> 00:06:39,087
You didn't make him
feel bad, did you?

145
00:06:39,089 --> 00:06:40,922
Actually, he
was laughing.

146
00:06:42,726 --> 00:06:45,594
I'm really impressed
at how you handled that, Howard.

147
00:06:45,596 --> 00:06:46,895
Please.

148
00:06:46,897 --> 00:06:48,630
I've been sending food
back my entire life.

149
00:06:48,632 --> 00:06:50,265
One of my first
full sentences was,

150
00:06:50,267 --> 00:06:52,701
"I had breast milk
for breakfast""

151
00:06:55,639 --> 00:06:57,572
Excuse me,
b-before we start eating,

152
00:06:57,574 --> 00:06:59,408
I-I would like
to make a toast.

153
00:06:59,410 --> 00:07:00,842
Oh, nice.
Oh, nice.

154
00:07:00,844 --> 00:07:02,110
If only I could
think of one.

155
00:07:02,112 --> 00:07:04,346
Someone else go.

156
00:07:06,650 --> 00:07:08,717
Hey. Here's the sewing kit
you asked for.

157
00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:10,318
Ooh! A minute, 19.

158
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,287
Quick.

159
00:07:13,090 --> 00:07:15,090
You were timing me?

160
00:07:15,092 --> 00:07:18,794
Yes. I am going through
a bit of a timing phase.

161
00:07:18,796 --> 00:07:20,328
How long will it last?

162
00:07:20,330 --> 00:07:22,431
We'll find out.

163
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,900
What did you need the kit for?

164
00:07:26,437 --> 00:07:27,669
Oh, um...

165
00:07:27,671 --> 00:07:30,939
Sh-Sheldon was squatting down
to pick up a fork

166
00:07:30,941 --> 00:07:32,507
and he ripped his pants.

167
00:07:32,509 --> 00:07:36,712
Oh, someone's gonna
be sore tomorrow.

168
00:07:38,148 --> 00:07:40,248
Oh, quick thinking.

169
00:07:40,250 --> 00:07:41,817
But for future lies,

170
00:07:41,819 --> 00:07:43,752
this is as far
as I can squat.

171
00:07:46,256 --> 00:07:48,256
Penny gets 20 points
for the sewing kit.

172
00:07:48,258 --> 00:07:49,925
Yeah, minus five,

173
00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:52,094
because this is mine.

174
00:07:53,397 --> 00:07:55,664
Well, she's still pulling
a commanding lead.

175
00:07:55,666 --> 00:07:58,133
Did Bernadette even try
to send us a sewing kit?

176
00:07:58,135 --> 00:08:00,602
She did.
Amazon, standard shipping,

177
00:08:00,604 --> 00:08:02,738
not even Prime.

178
00:08:02,740 --> 00:08:04,172
We could've done
that ourselves.

179
00:08:04,174 --> 00:08:06,775
That's what she said.

180
00:08:07,578 --> 00:08:09,544
Maybe we're being
old-fashioned,

181
00:08:09,546 --> 00:08:11,413
defining these
roles by gender.

182
00:08:11,415 --> 00:08:14,116
You know, historically,
the best man's role

183
00:08:14,118 --> 00:08:15,984
was to defend the bride
and groom in combat.

184
00:08:15,986 --> 00:08:17,119
I mean, if that's not Penny,

185
00:08:17,121 --> 00:08:19,621
I don't know what
we're doing here.

186
00:08:19,623 --> 00:08:21,523
I see your point.

187
00:08:21,525 --> 00:08:25,594
Okay, we are officially open
to a best woman

188
00:08:25,596 --> 00:08:28,163
and a gentleman of honor.

189
00:08:28,165 --> 00:08:29,598
Oh, those names are terrible.

190
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,600
One point off for you.

191
00:08:32,369 --> 00:08:34,402
What am I being
tested for?

192
00:08:34,404 --> 00:08:36,438
Oh, it's not important.
But if you don't pass,

193
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:38,140
none of this matters.

194
00:08:39,676 --> 00:08:41,610
Okay, what's the next test?

195
00:08:41,612 --> 00:08:43,011
Loyalty.

196
00:08:43,013 --> 00:08:45,280
We need to choose
someone who has our backs,

197
00:08:45,282 --> 00:08:48,517
someone who will keep our
secrets even from each other.

198
00:08:48,519 --> 00:08:50,852
Well, I don't have any secrets
from you.

199
00:08:50,854 --> 00:08:52,487
Do you have secrets from me?

200
00:08:52,489 --> 00:08:54,623
Yes.

201
00:08:55,559 --> 00:08:57,325
Oh, that has been weighing
on me for years.

202
00:08:57,327 --> 00:08:58,627
Come here.

203
00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:05,734
Would you call yourself
a loyal and trustworthy friend?

204
00:09:05,736 --> 00:09:08,036
Yeah, I like to think so.
Great.

205
00:09:08,038 --> 00:09:10,338
Because I need to tell you
something about Howard,

206
00:09:10,340 --> 00:09:12,474
but you can't tell him
that I told you.

207
00:09:12,476 --> 00:09:14,176
Nope. Don't want to hear it.

208
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:15,944
Do not like to engage in gossip.

209
00:09:15,946 --> 00:09:19,681
Okay. I respect
your integrity.

210
00:09:21,351 --> 00:09:22,717
Is it about
his special underwear?

211
00:09:22,719 --> 00:09:25,120
Because I already know.
And that's all I'll say.

212
00:09:27,090 --> 00:09:29,925
Fine, it has
a charcoal filter in it.

213
00:09:31,395 --> 00:09:34,629
It's really sweet of you
to come by and keep me company.

214
00:09:34,631 --> 00:09:36,665
Agreed. Uh...

215
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:41,536
So, listen,
I have a secret

216
00:09:41,538 --> 00:09:43,572
that I need to
tell someone.

217
00:09:43,574 --> 00:09:45,974
But you can
never say a word.

218
00:09:45,976 --> 00:09:47,342
Not even to Howard.

219
00:09:47,344 --> 00:09:49,511
I'm your girl. Lay it on me.

220
00:09:49,513 --> 00:09:51,046
Really?

221
00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:53,715
You keep things
from your husband?

222
00:09:53,717 --> 00:09:54,983
No, I tell him everything.

223
00:09:54,985 --> 00:09:57,052
Don't be a child.

224
00:09:58,155 --> 00:10:01,556
Okay. Here it is.

225
00:10:01,558 --> 00:10:03,592
I can control
the thermostat

226
00:10:03,594 --> 00:10:06,061
in Leonard's apartment
with my phone.

227
00:10:06,063 --> 00:10:09,164
And when he makes me mad,

228
00:10:09,166 --> 00:10:12,601
I turn it up, slightly.

229
00:10:14,872 --> 00:10:16,938
Oh, hey. I didn't
know you were here.

230
00:10:16,940 --> 00:10:18,807
What are you two
talking about?

231
00:10:20,611 --> 00:10:23,712
Literally, nothing interesting.

232
00:10:25,115 --> 00:10:27,382
Oh, you're good.

233
00:10:29,820 --> 00:10:33,822
Okay, getting to
the ceremony on time.

234
00:10:33,824 --> 00:10:35,991
Leonard, quick.
I need you to get me

235
00:10:35,993 --> 00:10:37,659
to Arcadia
within the hour.

236
00:10:37,661 --> 00:10:38,994
The train store's
having a sale.

237
00:10:38,996 --> 00:10:40,562
Why can't Amy drive you?

238
00:10:40,564 --> 00:10:44,532
Because of the tradition
that I cannot see Amy

239
00:10:44,534 --> 00:10:47,102
on the day of
the train store sale.

240
00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:50,505
Please, please see a doctor.

241
00:10:51,708 --> 00:10:54,142
Next test.
Just wait one second.

242
00:10:57,981 --> 00:11:01,950
Is it getting
hot in here?

243
00:11:06,423 --> 00:11:08,256
I'm sorry.
Where were we?

244
00:11:08,258 --> 00:11:11,293
How well do our friends know us?

245
00:11:12,496 --> 00:11:14,763
So I was talking
to my favorite aunt...

246
00:11:14,765 --> 00:11:16,932
Aunt Doe, right?

247
00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:18,466
Exactly.

248
00:11:18,468 --> 00:11:21,002
Did she ever figure out what
that thing on her knee was?

249
00:11:21,004 --> 00:11:23,705
Turns out it was
a chocolate chip.

250
00:11:23,707 --> 00:11:27,375
Hmm. Makes sense,
she does like to bake.

251
00:11:27,377 --> 00:11:31,780
Yes, she does. Damn,
you are a thoroughbred.

252
00:11:31,782 --> 00:11:35,083
You know, dealing
with cold feet

253
00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:39,287
is an important part of being
both best man and maid of honor.

254
00:11:39,289 --> 00:11:41,523
Maybe we should test
for that ability.

255
00:11:41,525 --> 00:11:45,160
You really think you
might get cold feet?

256
00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:48,663
Actually, I was
talking about you.

257
00:11:48,665 --> 00:11:51,333
Amy...

258
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:53,835
if there's one thing in
this world I'm sure of,

259
00:11:53,837 --> 00:11:55,570
you are right
to be worried.

260
00:11:58,375 --> 00:11:59,741
Good night.

261
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:04,713
Howard.

262
00:12:04,715 --> 00:12:08,750
I've had my eye on this
limited edition Swamp Thing,

263
00:12:08,752 --> 00:12:10,118
but now that I'm
about to buy it,

264
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,654
I'm having second thoughts.
What do you think?

265
00:12:12,656 --> 00:12:15,991
I don't know, Sheldon,
it's pretty expensive.

266
00:12:15,993 --> 00:12:19,394
Yes, but what if it will
make me happy, you know,

267
00:12:19,396 --> 00:12:23,198
waking up and seeing it every
morning for the rest of my life?

268
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,868
Really, a walking
clump of swamp grass?

269
00:12:26,870 --> 00:12:30,038
Yeah, well, Bernadette's
no prize either!

270
00:12:32,576 --> 00:12:34,876
Hey, what you doing?
Oh.

271
00:12:34,878 --> 00:12:37,779
Sheldon gave me a brain teaser.
It's kind of fun.

272
00:12:37,781 --> 00:12:39,447
It's about a group
of people at dinner,

273
00:12:39,449 --> 00:12:42,417
and you have to figure out where
they can sit without fighting.

274
00:12:43,453 --> 00:12:45,320
Oh, yeah, is this
the one where Mr. Green

275
00:12:45,322 --> 00:12:47,389
can't sit next to
anyone eating meat,

276
00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:48,556
and Uncle Light Blue

277
00:12:48,558 --> 00:12:51,159
won't sit next to any
of the darker colors?

278
00:12:52,662 --> 00:12:55,296
Yeah, did Sheldon
send it to you?

279
00:12:55,298 --> 00:12:56,765
Amy did. I solved it already.

280
00:12:56,767 --> 00:12:57,866
Really?
Yeah.

281
00:12:57,868 --> 00:12:59,801
Same way I solved
my jury duty summons,

282
00:12:59,803 --> 00:13:01,002
I threw it away.

283
00:13:01,004 --> 00:13:02,871
No, no, no, no, no.

284
00:13:02,873 --> 00:13:06,141
Uh, Aunt Orange can't
sit next to the bar

285
00:13:06,143 --> 00:13:07,275
without Ms. Pink saying,

286
00:13:07,277 --> 00:13:10,045
"Jesus thinks you've
had enough whiskey."

287
00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:14,482
Did Sheldon and Amy give
you guys that puzzle, too?

288
00:13:14,484 --> 00:13:18,286
Yeah. Is it just me or
have they been acting strange?

289
00:13:18,288 --> 00:13:20,088
I don't think they're acting.

290
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:23,458
Yeah, the other day,
Sheldon made me

291
00:13:23,460 --> 00:13:24,793
take him to the train store.

292
00:13:24,795 --> 00:13:26,294
We didn't go inside.
He just said,

293
00:13:26,296 --> 00:13:28,897
"Nicely done,"
and then we went home.

294
00:13:28,899 --> 00:13:31,433
Yeah, and Amy gave me
this plastic ring

295
00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:33,101
and told me to hold on to it.

296
00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:34,069
I got one, too.

297
00:13:34,071 --> 00:13:34,969
Yeah, same.

298
00:13:34,971 --> 00:13:36,337
Yeah, me, too.

299
00:13:36,339 --> 00:13:38,239
But-but Cinnamon ate it.

300
00:13:39,843 --> 00:13:42,043
I-I'll get it
back tomorrow.

301
00:13:46,416 --> 00:13:48,383
I have to say, this
is going pretty well.

302
00:13:48,385 --> 00:13:49,517
It is.

303
00:13:49,519 --> 00:13:53,121
I-If experimenting on humans
is morally wrong,

304
00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:55,723
then I don't want
to be morally right.

305
00:13:57,027 --> 00:13:58,226
Hey, are you testing us

306
00:13:58,228 --> 00:14:00,095
to see who gets
to be in your wedding?

307
00:14:00,097 --> 00:14:01,663
Yes.
No.

308
00:14:03,333 --> 00:14:05,166
Wha-- they're rating us.

309
00:14:05,168 --> 00:14:06,901
And I'm in last?

310
00:14:06,903 --> 00:14:09,971
Don't panic,
there's still time.

311
00:14:09,973 --> 00:14:12,640
Look, it's a marathon,
not a sprint.

312
00:14:12,642 --> 00:14:14,876
You know what,
this is so insulting.

313
00:14:14,878 --> 00:14:16,945
I-I don't even want to be
your stupid best man.

314
00:14:16,947 --> 00:14:18,313
Yeah.
Me neither.

315
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:19,581
W-W-Wait, wait.

316
00:14:19,583 --> 00:14:22,083
Just out of curiosity,
which one of you figured it out?

317
00:14:22,085 --> 00:14:23,751
I did.

318
00:14:24,921 --> 00:14:27,055
Impressive.

319
00:14:32,020 --> 00:14:33,280
Hello, Stuart.

320
00:14:33,281 --> 00:14:34,347
Oh, hey, Sheldon.

321
00:14:34,349 --> 00:14:37,083
Can I interest you
in a cappuccino?

322
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:39,285
When did you start
selling those?

323
00:14:39,287 --> 00:14:42,154
Oh, someone left it here,
but it's still warm.

324
00:14:43,224 --> 00:14:46,392
Want to say four bucks?

325
00:14:46,394 --> 00:14:48,294
No, thank you.

326
00:14:48,296 --> 00:14:50,263
Oh. Everything okay?

327
00:14:50,265 --> 00:14:52,298
Well...

328
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:54,500
I secretly experimented
on my friends,

329
00:14:54,502 --> 00:14:57,336
and now none of them
want to be my best man.

330
00:14:57,338 --> 00:15:00,473
So, you know,
normal wedding drama.

331
00:15:00,475 --> 00:15:03,009
Sorry.

332
00:15:03,011 --> 00:15:05,244
Probably have to use
my stupid brother.

333
00:15:05,246 --> 00:15:07,446
So get ready for a wedding toast
delivered by his armpit.

334
00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:10,683
Well, if you really don't
want to use your brother,

335
00:15:10,685 --> 00:15:12,151
I'd be your best man.

336
00:15:12,153 --> 00:15:14,220
Really?

337
00:15:14,222 --> 00:15:17,156
Yeah, we're friends.

338
00:15:17,158 --> 00:15:18,524
Plus, it'd be nice.

339
00:15:18,526 --> 00:15:22,828
Never really been called
the best before.

340
00:15:22,830 --> 00:15:25,598
Or a man, for that matter.

341
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,935
Okay, well, uh,
thank you, Stuart.

342
00:15:28,937 --> 00:15:30,336
That's a very generous offer.

343
00:15:30,338 --> 00:15:32,171
My pleasure.

344
00:15:32,173 --> 00:15:33,239
I-I understand

345
00:15:33,241 --> 00:15:36,375
the best man usually
receives a present.

346
00:15:36,377 --> 00:15:39,211
That's true.

347
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:42,949
Can never have
too much Claritin.

348
00:15:46,921 --> 00:15:50,323
You're still working on
Sheldon's dumb brain teaser?

349
00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:53,492
Oh, my God, Dr. Purple's
a woman! Of course!

350
00:15:54,262 --> 00:15:56,629
Oh, that feels so good.

351
00:15:57,532 --> 00:15:59,031
Hello.

352
00:15:59,033 --> 00:16:02,234
I believe I owe the
three of you an apology.

353
00:16:02,236 --> 00:16:05,237
No argument here.

354
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,708
By experimenting on you,

355
00:16:08,710 --> 00:16:11,310
I realize I've
violated your trust

356
00:16:11,312 --> 00:16:15,414
and possibly the
Geneva Convention.

357
00:16:15,416 --> 00:16:17,183
Is that it?

358
00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:18,451
No.

359
00:16:18,453 --> 00:16:20,853
So as to not upset
any of you further,

360
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,855
I've asked Stuart
to be my best man,

361
00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:24,023
and he's agreed.

362
00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:26,625
You're all still invited
to the bachelor party.

363
00:16:26,627 --> 00:16:30,763
Uh, he's thinking Costco
and the theme is browsing.

364
00:16:30,765 --> 00:16:33,532
You picked Stuart
over one of us?

365
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:35,167
Well, I wanted to
choose one of you,

366
00:16:35,169 --> 00:16:36,969
but you all
turned against me.

367
00:16:36,971 --> 00:16:40,873
Picking a best man isn't
about keeping score.

368
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:42,541
But you're all my friends.

369
00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:43,976
I mean,
if I didn't collect data,

370
00:16:43,978 --> 00:16:46,345
how could I possibly choose
among the three of you?

371
00:16:46,347 --> 00:16:49,115
Well, that's actually
kind of sweet.

372
00:16:49,117 --> 00:16:52,685
Is it? Perhaps I said it wrong.

373
00:16:52,687 --> 00:16:56,756
Look, this is your wedding,
just pick whoever you want.

374
00:16:56,758 --> 00:16:59,158
You don't need to worry
about anyone else but yourself.

375
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:02,261
You've kind of been training
for this your whole life.

376
00:17:02,263 --> 00:17:04,230
Thank you, Leonard.

377
00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:07,299
And if it helps...
these two are quitters.

378
00:17:10,471 --> 00:17:12,738
Hey, what you making?

379
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,640
Uh, well, I spilled
the cheese packet,

380
00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:18,110
so we're having mac and nothing.
Oh.

381
00:17:18,112 --> 00:17:19,979
Yeah. I'll just have the mac.

382
00:17:19,981 --> 00:17:21,947
"Nothing" gives me gas.

383
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:27,253
Why are you in such a good mood?

384
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:28,654
Mm, I just talked to Sheldon.

385
00:17:28,656 --> 00:17:31,557
He apologized about the tests
and asked me to be his best man.

386
00:17:31,559 --> 00:17:34,860
Uh, great. After all you've done
for him, he should've asked you.

387
00:17:34,862 --> 00:17:36,462
And Amy's your best friend.

388
00:17:36,464 --> 00:17:38,531
I'm sure she'll come
to her senses and pick you.

389
00:17:38,533 --> 00:17:40,299
Okay, she's not my best friend.
We're not 12.

390
00:17:40,301 --> 00:17:42,168
If she wants Bernadette
to be her maid of honor,

391
00:17:42,170 --> 00:17:43,202
I really don't care.

392
00:17:43,204 --> 00:17:44,737
Sounds like you care.

393
00:17:44,739 --> 00:17:46,238
No, I mean, it-it's
just annoying.

394
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,874
You know, we talk every day.
We see each other all the time.

395
00:17:48,876 --> 00:17:50,409
She's always there
for me, and basically--

396
00:17:50,411 --> 00:17:53,012
oh, my God, Amy's
my best friend.

397
00:17:54,348 --> 00:17:56,449
You okay?

398
00:17:56,451 --> 00:18:00,152
No, my best friend didn't ask
me to be her maid of honor.

399
00:18:00,154 --> 00:18:01,687
I'm pissed!

400
00:18:03,991 --> 00:18:08,394
So, bottom line, what you
did was wrong and cruel,

401
00:18:08,396 --> 00:18:13,265
which the mother of my children
finds oddly appealing.

402
00:18:13,267 --> 00:18:15,901
So she still wants
to be my maid of honor?

403
00:18:15,903 --> 00:18:17,837
Maid of honor, hit woman,
whatever you need.

404
00:18:17,839 --> 00:18:20,106
Make the call.

405
00:18:20,108 --> 00:18:21,440
Look, I know this
is your wedding,

406
00:18:21,442 --> 00:18:22,942
and you can do
whatever you want,

407
00:18:22,944 --> 00:18:25,711
but if you think anyone but me
is gonna be your maid of honor,

408
00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:28,981
then you're an idiot because
you are my best friend.

409
00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:30,015
Too late. Bernade...

410
00:18:30,017 --> 00:18:31,350
Bestie!

411
00:18:38,412 --> 00:18:40,679
Stuart, I'm sorry
if it's weird

412
00:18:40,681 --> 00:18:42,881
Sheldon made me best man
instead of you.

413
00:18:42,883 --> 00:18:43,948
It's okay.

414
00:18:43,950 --> 00:18:46,918
I was best man
for two whole days.

415
00:18:49,022 --> 00:18:51,089
No one can take that
away from me.

416
00:18:52,893 --> 00:18:55,060
Except for Sheldon,
when he did.

417
00:18:56,630 --> 00:18:58,296
Although, if you
want to be a part

418
00:18:58,298 --> 00:18:59,297
of the wedding party,

419
00:18:59,299 --> 00:19:02,500
I suppose you could be
the flower girl.

420
00:19:03,737 --> 00:19:05,337
Sold.

421
00:19:06,606 --> 00:19:09,507
Well, I thought Halley
was gonna be the flower girl.

422
00:19:09,509 --> 00:19:11,042
Oh, that's much better.

423
00:19:11,044 --> 00:19:12,844
Sorry, Stuart,
you're out.

424
00:19:14,781 --> 00:19:17,349
Hey, so is Bernadette okay
with me being maid of honor?

425
00:19:17,351 --> 00:19:20,819
Actually, I haven't
had the courage to tell her.

426
00:19:20,821 --> 00:19:22,921
I guess I should do that.

427
00:19:22,923 --> 00:19:25,690
Uh, yeah.

428
00:19:27,060 --> 00:19:28,860
Although, as
maid of honor,

429
00:19:28,862 --> 00:19:30,628
your job is to
make my life easier.

430
00:19:30,630 --> 00:19:33,798
Damn it.

431
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:36,835
Hey, Stuart, you still
want in on this wedding?

432
00:19:38,672 --> 00:19:41,873
Not that much.

433
00:19:41,875 --> 00:19:45,243
Fine, I'll do it.

434
00:19:45,245 --> 00:19:47,912
But do me a favor and unlock
the liquor cabinet first.

435
00:19:49,561 --> 00:19:56,461
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man