1 00:00:19,581 --> 00:00:24,660 Welcome to Hotel Zanzibar. I see you have not stayed with us before. 2 00:00:24,661 --> 00:00:27,180 But, please, feel free to linger in our corridor 3 00:00:27,181 --> 00:00:30,660 and take a butcher's around the ninth floor. 4 00:00:30,661 --> 00:00:34,180 The residents who, here, will spend the night like mountaineers 5 00:00:34,181 --> 00:00:38,780 at base camp, they just might be on their way up, or on their way down. 6 00:00:38,781 --> 00:00:41,500 Some wear an anorak, others a crown. 7 00:00:41,501 --> 00:00:44,660 Are all here to meet their fate head-on. 8 00:00:44,661 --> 00:00:46,941 Will Lady Luck smile on you, come the dawn? 9 00:00:47,941 --> 00:00:49,140 Who knows? 10 00:00:49,141 --> 00:00:52,300 For I'm just here to link their ships 11 00:00:52,301 --> 00:00:56,461 and smile and smile and hope for decent tips. 12 00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,260 Mr Blue and Mr Brown are in the building. 13 00:01:03,261 --> 00:01:05,620 For shame, Henry, why speak you to your cuff? 14 00:01:05,621 --> 00:01:08,981 - There's no-one here. You're armed. - Yes, sir. - So, chill. 15 00:01:09,981 --> 00:01:11,860 The fact that we use pseudonyms is enough 16 00:01:11,861 --> 00:01:13,260 to keep me safe from harm, surely. 17 00:01:13,261 --> 00:01:16,100 But, still, I made an oath to your father the king 18 00:01:16,101 --> 00:01:18,580 that I would keep you in my sights all week. 19 00:01:18,581 --> 00:01:21,980 His enemies would not hesitate to bring a gun to a knife fight. 20 00:01:21,981 --> 00:01:23,300 - Henry! - Let me speak. 21 00:01:23,301 --> 00:01:26,260 You are our country's future, dearest Prince. 22 00:01:26,261 --> 00:01:29,260 My job's to save you from any grievous plot. 23 00:01:29,261 --> 00:01:32,460 But all this talk of murder makes me wince. 24 00:01:32,461 --> 00:01:35,980 Like this iambic foot, you're stressed. I'm not. 25 00:01:35,981 --> 00:01:38,661 Now, let me to my room. Good night, God bless. 26 00:01:39,981 --> 00:01:41,941 - I take it we have all the channels. - Yes. 27 00:01:43,101 --> 00:01:46,020 Ah, Mr Brown, your luggage is within. 28 00:01:46,021 --> 00:01:48,141 - Do you need a tour of the room? - Not fussed. 29 00:01:50,981 --> 00:01:53,821 - And, Mr Blue? - I'm in 912, going. 30 00:01:55,261 --> 00:01:58,301 And, just so you know, that tip's from both of us. 31 00:02:01,741 --> 00:02:04,021 Sleep well, sweet prince. 32 00:02:05,461 --> 00:02:06,861 He shall not live the night. 33 00:02:08,181 --> 00:02:10,820 It is understood assassins wish him dead 34 00:02:10,821 --> 00:02:13,740 to cleanse our country of his family's line. 35 00:02:13,741 --> 00:02:17,180 So, when Prince Rico meets my little friend 36 00:02:17,181 --> 00:02:20,980 and grief does shake the old King of his wits, 37 00:02:20,981 --> 00:02:23,820 my father stands in readiness to rule. 38 00:02:23,821 --> 00:02:27,101 Then I will wear the Prince's crown instead. 39 00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:29,861 And I'm in 911... 40 00:02:31,781 --> 00:02:34,021 ..not 912! 41 00:02:38,461 --> 00:02:41,541 Young man, come here. A word with you, I pray. 42 00:02:44,901 --> 00:02:47,500 I wish to speak more plainly, if I may. 43 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:50,861 - Sir, it's the only language I understand. - Good. 44 00:02:52,461 --> 00:02:56,300 I wish to order some room service which is off menu, 45 00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:59,660 - if you catch my drift. - I do indeed, sir. 46 00:02:59,661 --> 00:03:03,420 Would you care to describe the dish you have in mind? 47 00:03:03,421 --> 00:03:04,741 - Female. - Mm-hmm. 48 00:03:05,781 --> 00:03:07,901 - Redhead. - Mm-hmm. 49 00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:10,541 - Mature. - Oh! 50 00:03:11,541 --> 00:03:15,700 Willing to indulge in some slightly unusual practices. 51 00:03:15,701 --> 00:03:18,181 No problem. Yellow or brown? 52 00:03:19,821 --> 00:03:25,660 - What? - Does Sir prefer the water sign or the earth sign? - Oh, water. 53 00:03:25,661 --> 00:03:26,701 Oh, absolutely. 54 00:03:27,981 --> 00:03:29,861 Here... 55 00:03:32,181 --> 00:03:35,220 - The other half will come... - After you do. I understand. 56 00:03:35,221 --> 00:03:37,821 Leave it with me. I know just the girl for you. 57 00:03:38,941 --> 00:03:42,660 Oh, happy days! The fates they do conspire. 58 00:03:42,661 --> 00:03:44,661 I'll profit from another man's desire. 59 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:03,580 - Yes? - I'm sorry, sir, but may I trouble you? 60 00:04:03,581 --> 00:04:06,260 There is a strange man in my room. 61 00:04:06,261 --> 00:04:08,780 Which room? 62 00:04:08,781 --> 00:04:10,540 It's one of these 63 00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:11,740 but which I cannot say. 64 00:04:11,741 --> 00:04:14,380 Things fall out of my head so quick these days. 65 00:04:14,381 --> 00:04:16,740 Did you not see the sign upon my door? 66 00:04:16,741 --> 00:04:19,300 Do not disturb me, please, I do implore. 67 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,780 Sir, he's got me all aquiver. 68 00:04:21,781 --> 00:04:25,500 - And here he comes! He means me harm. - Mother! 69 00:04:25,501 --> 00:04:27,500 I'm so sorry. She wanders off a lot. 70 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:30,100 Come back to bed, you're missing Emmerdale. 71 00:04:30,101 --> 00:04:33,540 - Is this your son? - I don't know. - Yes, I am. 72 00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:36,940 She knows me not, it's such a sorry tale. 73 00:04:36,941 --> 00:04:41,140 - She took a tumble nipping into Boots, this was in August. - 1953. 74 00:04:41,141 --> 00:04:43,660 She hit her head and now her memory's gone. 75 00:04:43,661 --> 00:04:46,460 - My memory's fine! - For them days, not for these. 76 00:04:46,461 --> 00:04:48,912 She's like a goldfish that you win at t'fair. 77 00:04:48,937 --> 00:04:51,662 - You mean, she's going to die within a week? - No! 78 00:04:51,687 --> 00:04:54,220 She swims about but nothing is retained. 79 00:04:54,221 --> 00:04:56,620 We're trying this new memory technique. 80 00:04:56,621 --> 00:04:58,900 - Are you my husband? - No, he's just a man. 81 00:04:58,901 --> 00:05:01,020 A man who wishes to be left in peace. 82 00:05:01,021 --> 00:05:03,421 If that is all, I'm going to close the door. 83 00:05:05,701 --> 00:05:08,621 - I met him once on Coronation Street. - Oh, mother! 84 00:05:12,343 --> 00:05:15,460 I can't believe you made me walk in heels. 85 00:05:15,461 --> 00:05:18,300 A taxi would have been, like, £15. 86 00:05:18,301 --> 00:05:20,060 Then you make me carry all these bags. 87 00:05:20,061 --> 00:05:21,980 You know full well my back is really bad. 88 00:05:21,981 --> 00:05:26,500 Why pay a boy in uniform a pound for doing something we can do ourselves? 89 00:05:26,501 --> 00:05:29,883 - Sweetheart, don't be angry with me, please. - You have the key card? 90 00:05:29,908 --> 00:05:31,594 Yes, I've got it here. 91 00:05:33,821 --> 00:05:36,700 Doesn't seem to work. Don't know why. 92 00:05:36,701 --> 00:05:40,700 - What if I pop it quickly in and out? - Just like our sex life. - Amber! 93 00:05:40,701 --> 00:05:41,860 Sorry. 94 00:05:41,861 --> 00:05:43,020 No joy. 95 00:05:43,021 --> 00:05:45,101 I'll go back to reception. You wait here. 96 00:05:47,861 --> 00:05:48,901 No joy. 97 00:05:49,981 --> 00:05:51,581 No joy we've had for ages now. 98 00:05:52,701 --> 00:05:55,221 Ten years together. Maybe that's our peak. 99 00:05:56,301 --> 00:05:59,261 Our love has turned as stale as last week's bread. 100 00:06:00,381 --> 00:06:02,621 Long gone the days when he made my knees weak. 101 00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:05,900 A night in a hotel won't be enough to keep my heart 102 00:06:05,901 --> 00:06:08,180 from all this nagging doubt. 103 00:06:08,181 --> 00:06:10,900 Do I extend my holiday with Gus 104 00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:13,460 or do I pay my bill and then check out? 105 00:06:13,461 --> 00:06:15,620 Madame, are you locked out of your room? 106 00:06:15,621 --> 00:06:17,700 Yes, my boyfriend's gone to fetch another card. 107 00:06:17,701 --> 00:06:20,540 - Oh, they are most unreliable. - Boyfriends? 108 00:06:20,541 --> 00:06:22,620 No, the key cards. But I know what you mean. 109 00:06:22,621 --> 00:06:23,860 My Fred, he's the bellboy. 110 00:06:23,861 --> 00:06:27,100 He can be a bit tricky sometimes but he's got a good heart. 111 00:06:27,101 --> 00:06:31,376 - Have you been together a long time? - Oh, yeah, ages. 15 weeks. 112 00:06:31,403 --> 00:06:33,380 He is forever trying to drag me into one of the empty rooms 113 00:06:33,381 --> 00:06:34,700 for a bit of how's your father. 114 00:06:34,701 --> 00:06:37,860 But that turns me right off because my father's dead. 115 00:06:37,861 --> 00:06:39,980 At least he's attentive. 116 00:06:39,981 --> 00:06:42,620 Yeah, he's always standing to attention, if you take my meaning. 117 00:06:42,621 --> 00:06:45,700 But there is nothing he wouldn't do for me. 118 00:06:45,701 --> 00:06:48,260 So, do you want me to let you in? I've got a pass key. 119 00:06:48,261 --> 00:06:50,980 No. Do you have any other rooms available? 120 00:06:50,981 --> 00:06:53,294 Um, there's nobody booked in 913. 121 00:06:53,321 --> 00:06:54,461 I can show you in there, if you like. 122 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:59,380 You're right. A woman should be wooed. With care. 123 00:06:59,381 --> 00:07:01,421 Oh, no! We haven't had it off in there. 124 00:07:04,781 --> 00:07:06,300 Excuse me, Miss. 125 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:07,420 I hate to be a bore. 126 00:07:07,421 --> 00:07:09,100 I was looking at my key card. 127 00:07:09,101 --> 00:07:12,220 And I saw the number of this room is 911. 128 00:07:12,221 --> 00:07:14,140 For me to stay in here can't be done. 129 00:07:14,141 --> 00:07:16,780 - You do not like the number, sir? - No way. 130 00:07:16,781 --> 00:07:19,581 Well, 914 has just come free today. 131 00:07:20,981 --> 00:07:23,500 Oh, I'm very superstitious as a rate. 132 00:07:23,501 --> 00:07:26,060 To stay in 911's tempting fate. 133 00:07:26,061 --> 00:07:28,740 Well, at least, you haven't had to travel far. 134 00:07:28,741 --> 00:07:31,140 Have you taken anything from the minibar? 135 00:07:31,141 --> 00:07:34,020 No, but will you tell the bellboy on this floor 136 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,741 the watersports will now be 914. 137 00:07:39,461 --> 00:07:42,980 What watersports? We haven't got a pool. 138 00:07:42,981 --> 00:07:45,500 Excuse me, I am missing a plug for my bath. 139 00:07:45,501 --> 00:07:49,180 - It's not electric, sir, that would be dangerous. - To keep the water in! 140 00:07:49,181 --> 00:07:52,971 - Oh, that kind of plug. I'll try and find you one, Mr... - Green. 141 00:07:56,701 --> 00:07:59,340 Poor girl, she does not know the reason why 142 00:07:59,341 --> 00:08:00,901 I need a bath plug urgently. 143 00:08:02,221 --> 00:08:05,620 For that, which stops the water running out, 144 00:08:05,621 --> 00:08:09,261 will stop also what little life there is in me. 145 00:08:10,421 --> 00:08:14,900 When these blue rivers in my wrist do run and mingle 146 00:08:14,901 --> 00:08:17,780 with the cheap bath salts and soap 147 00:08:17,781 --> 00:08:21,461 then will my guilt drain out with them to sea. 148 00:08:23,581 --> 00:08:26,821 And will my children mourn? I can but hope. 149 00:08:28,661 --> 00:08:30,340 My boys. 150 00:08:30,341 --> 00:08:32,940 My twins were given up at birth. 151 00:08:32,941 --> 00:08:35,701 Their mother died, I was still in jail. 152 00:08:37,301 --> 00:08:39,781 One stayed in England, one was sent abroad. 153 00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:43,341 I know not what became of either one. 154 00:08:45,221 --> 00:08:47,020 So, tonight, 155 00:08:47,021 --> 00:08:49,061 I will put me to my sword. 156 00:08:51,861 --> 00:08:53,061 But for a bath plug. 157 00:08:54,661 --> 00:08:57,101 Then, 'tis quickly done. 158 00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:07,061 I have the new card here, Amber. She's gone. 159 00:09:08,701 --> 00:09:09,861 Perhaps she is inside. 160 00:09:12,021 --> 00:09:13,901 Or has she flown? 161 00:09:17,301 --> 00:09:20,221 Oh, these sodding key cards never bloody work! 162 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:24,140 I must have held it near my mobile phone. 163 00:09:24,141 --> 00:09:27,620 Colette, my dainty dumpling 164 00:09:27,621 --> 00:09:31,181 is going to meet me here for a bit of how's your dead father. 165 00:09:32,861 --> 00:09:34,740 Leave it on the latch. 166 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,540 Well, the key cards can't be trusted. 167 00:09:37,541 --> 00:09:40,140 Oh, sir, may we speak plainly once again? 168 00:09:40,141 --> 00:09:43,420 - Of course. - You're barking up the wrong tree. Your room is down here. 169 00:09:43,421 --> 00:09:44,980 911. 170 00:09:44,981 --> 00:09:48,620 Oh, I see. That'll be why the card refused to work. 171 00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:52,620 - Your room service is on its way. - Oh, great. 172 00:09:52,621 --> 00:09:54,020 Bring it straight up, will you? 173 00:09:54,021 --> 00:09:57,100 And, um, be discreet. 174 00:09:57,101 --> 00:09:58,781 Naturally. 175 00:10:03,381 --> 00:10:05,461 Anything else I can help you with, sir? 176 00:10:06,901 --> 00:10:08,260 No, thank you. 177 00:10:08,261 --> 00:10:09,301 Oh. 178 00:10:10,701 --> 00:10:11,781 Oh. 179 00:10:19,421 --> 00:10:20,461 Very kind, sir. 180 00:10:21,781 --> 00:10:24,180 From £50 to 20 pence? 181 00:10:24,181 --> 00:10:25,421 What did I do wrong? 182 00:10:26,701 --> 00:10:29,261 She's not yet here. My plan is now afoot. 183 00:10:30,501 --> 00:10:34,170 I have arranged for an apple tart to be brought to our room, 184 00:10:34,197 --> 00:10:38,101 but unbeknownst to Amber, a ring is baked within. 185 00:10:39,261 --> 00:10:43,300 And when she takes her first big bite of that confectionery, 186 00:10:43,301 --> 00:10:45,900 I will, I hope, she'll say. 187 00:10:45,901 --> 00:10:48,061 And, merrily, we'll marry. 188 00:11:02,301 --> 00:11:05,889 - I need a wee. - Be quiet, have some tact. 189 00:11:05,914 --> 00:11:09,279 - We must discuss the tariff for this act. - I have to pay? 190 00:11:09,304 --> 00:11:11,220 No, madam, I pay you. 191 00:11:11,221 --> 00:11:13,260 £1,000. 192 00:11:13,261 --> 00:11:14,780 And how much for a poo? 193 00:11:14,781 --> 00:11:18,020 - So, were you once a redhead? - Oh, behave. 194 00:11:18,021 --> 00:11:20,860 I said mature, not dug up from the grave. 195 00:11:20,861 --> 00:11:22,820 Will you do bondage? 196 00:11:22,821 --> 00:11:25,980 Yes, there's every chance. I did a course at St John's Ambulance. 197 00:11:25,981 --> 00:11:28,260 I'm glad that you are keen, that's good to know. 198 00:11:28,261 --> 00:11:30,141 Just tie me up and you can let it flow. 199 00:11:32,061 --> 00:11:34,820 You know I'm staying in here tonight? 200 00:11:34,821 --> 00:11:36,261 - OK. - I need some space. 201 00:11:37,421 --> 00:11:40,700 - I care not what you do. - You really are a pig! 202 00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:42,660 - What's that? - Who's this? 203 00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:44,781 Just go back to bed and I will join you soon. 204 00:12:02,861 --> 00:12:05,940 No longer in the shadows can I lurk. 205 00:12:05,941 --> 00:12:08,621 'Tis time for me to attend my grisly work. 206 00:12:11,461 --> 00:12:14,900 But wait, if I am to be blameless of this deed, 207 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:18,180 then must I have an alibi as fact. 208 00:12:18,181 --> 00:12:20,780 I did just see the hypnotist downstairs. 209 00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,381 He really did a very funny act. 210 00:12:25,341 --> 00:12:29,540 But wait. What if I could be the hero of the hour? 211 00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:32,260 As if I've fought to save the Prince's life, 212 00:12:32,261 --> 00:12:35,460 I'll cut my face to illustrate my lie. 213 00:12:35,461 --> 00:12:37,380 But what if I go too deep with a knife. 214 00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:40,420 Oh, come, Henry, stop equivocating! Act. 215 00:12:40,421 --> 00:12:43,100 The time for dilly-dallying has gone. 216 00:12:43,101 --> 00:12:46,420 Just raise your hand and stab his bleeding heart. 217 00:12:46,421 --> 00:12:49,020 I hope I didn't leave the talkback on. 218 00:12:49,021 --> 00:12:50,061 Hello? Hello. 219 00:13:01,621 --> 00:13:03,380 Excuse me, Miss, do you have my plug? 220 00:13:03,381 --> 00:13:06,500 I do have a plug but probably not the kind you mean. 221 00:13:06,501 --> 00:13:09,420 Are you the gentleman from 911? Mr Brown? 222 00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:12,700 I am Mr Brown's security adviser. What mean you with him? 223 00:13:12,701 --> 00:13:14,980 He's ordered some executive relief. 224 00:13:14,981 --> 00:13:17,140 The details of which are not for you to know. 225 00:13:17,141 --> 00:13:20,460 - Suffice to say, he is the executive... - And you are the relief. 226 00:13:20,461 --> 00:13:24,060 Well, I'll certainly be relieving myself. Now, let me in, please. 227 00:13:24,061 --> 00:13:26,901 I've got another slot to fill at ten. 228 00:13:28,923 --> 00:13:30,744 May I ask your name? 229 00:13:31,661 --> 00:13:33,460 Tracey, but people call me Red. 230 00:13:33,461 --> 00:13:35,020 Well, then, Little Red. 231 00:13:35,021 --> 00:13:38,660 How would you to increase your fee tonight threefold? 232 00:13:38,661 --> 00:13:41,420 You've pricked my interest. What did you have in mind? 233 00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:44,540 My master has a meeting in the morn of great import. 234 00:13:44,541 --> 00:13:47,420 - I don't want him up all night. - Neither do I, believe me. 235 00:13:47,421 --> 00:13:49,180 After you and he have done the deed, 236 00:13:49,181 --> 00:13:52,220 he, most like, will imbibe a glass of wine. 237 00:13:52,221 --> 00:13:55,340 Into his cup, this tincture pour. 238 00:13:55,341 --> 00:13:59,540 - It is a sedative to help him sleep. - Oh, fine. 239 00:13:59,541 --> 00:14:01,420 I thought you were after a spit-roast. 240 00:14:01,421 --> 00:14:02,741 No, I just had a sandwich. 241 00:14:10,061 --> 00:14:12,461 Good evening, sir, I trust that all is well. 242 00:14:13,359 --> 00:14:16,023 Oh, yes. Thank you. The room is very nice. 243 00:14:16,048 --> 00:14:20,020 - I hear you ordered a tart this evening. - I did. Has it arrived? 244 00:14:20,021 --> 00:14:21,141 - Just now. - Bring it in. 245 00:14:27,101 --> 00:14:30,300 Thus, when the Prince in deepest slumber lays, 246 00:14:30,301 --> 00:14:34,300 then will I strike and so avoid his gaze. 247 00:14:34,301 --> 00:14:37,140 Better he dies still thinking me a friend. 248 00:14:37,141 --> 00:14:41,141 This wench has helped me bring about his end. 249 00:14:44,581 --> 00:14:48,220 Mother! Mother! She's vanished from the room. 250 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,820 Two minutes in the shower and she's gone. 251 00:14:50,821 --> 00:14:53,500 I thought Emmerdale and Corrie was enough to keep her busy 252 00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:54,621 but she's done a bunk! 253 00:14:57,461 --> 00:15:00,900 I'm sorry to disturb you once again. You haven't got my mother in there? 254 00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,580 No! Why can't you people just leave me in peace? 255 00:15:03,581 --> 00:15:05,661 Can you not see that I'm tied up right now? 256 00:15:07,581 --> 00:15:10,540 God knows what goes on behind these closed doors. 257 00:15:10,541 --> 00:15:13,780 Don't ask, don't tell, as Mother always says. 258 00:15:17,301 --> 00:15:19,860 I'd better find her quick before she falls. 259 00:15:19,861 --> 00:15:22,020 I'll try the hypnotism show downstairs. 260 00:15:22,021 --> 00:15:25,820 I saw your hypnotism show downstairs. It was really good. 261 00:15:25,821 --> 00:15:30,780 Thank you, child. I was exceptional tonight, though I say so myself. 262 00:15:30,781 --> 00:15:34,260 It is a potent combination of neurolinguistic programming 263 00:15:34,261 --> 00:15:37,020 - and my persuasive vocal technique. - Yeah. 264 00:15:37,021 --> 00:15:39,220 I liked it when they had to do the hokey cokey 265 00:15:39,221 --> 00:15:41,780 every time you shouted spaghetti bolognese! 266 00:15:41,781 --> 00:15:45,260 Aye, well, it is important to entertain as well as educate. 267 00:15:45,261 --> 00:15:47,980 One sometimes has to paint in primary colours. 268 00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:50,780 - This is your room, 916. - Thank you, child. 269 00:15:50,781 --> 00:15:54,906 - I'll take a glass of vino when you're ready. - Of course. 270 00:15:54,931 --> 00:16:00,476 - And the lady I was telling you about is there in 913. - Ah, yes. 271 00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:02,414 Unhappy in love, you say. 272 00:16:02,439 --> 00:16:05,740 She seems to be, but then I heard her boyfriend order this. 273 00:16:05,741 --> 00:16:08,220 It has an engagement ring inside. 274 00:16:08,221 --> 00:16:09,620 How very tacky! 275 00:16:09,621 --> 00:16:12,020 She just needs a little persuasion, that's all. 276 00:16:12,021 --> 00:16:13,940 Is that something you could do? 277 00:16:13,941 --> 00:16:16,780 My child, I have hypnotised smokers to stop smoking 278 00:16:16,781 --> 00:16:18,460 and fatties to stop eating. 279 00:16:18,461 --> 00:16:21,820 I'm sure I can use my skills to make true love bloom again. 280 00:16:21,821 --> 00:16:24,126 It would be nice to have a happy ending, 281 00:16:24,153 --> 00:16:26,740 for I feel I am partly to blame. 282 00:16:26,741 --> 00:16:28,101 Come, I'll take you to her. 283 00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:36,580 - Yes? - Excuse me, Madam. This is Vince De Trans. 284 00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:38,500 He's the hypnotist at Zanzibar. 285 00:16:38,501 --> 00:16:41,380 I once regressed a lady through past lives. 286 00:16:41,381 --> 00:16:43,660 Turned out she was a maid of Cleopatra. 287 00:16:43,661 --> 00:16:45,660 What on earth has that to do with me? 288 00:16:45,661 --> 00:16:47,981 If we could come in for a moment, you will see. 289 00:16:55,501 --> 00:16:58,620 Here you are, Madam. And I thank you for your pains. 290 00:16:58,621 --> 00:17:01,940 I'm not sure what just happened, but thanks, Mister. 291 00:17:01,941 --> 00:17:04,581 Would you ever consider girl on girl? 292 00:17:05,621 --> 00:17:08,461 I did once share a bunk bed with my sister. 293 00:17:10,261 --> 00:17:13,381 Well, I know my door begins with number nine. 294 00:17:16,181 --> 00:17:19,661 Oh, this one's open, guess it must be mine. 295 00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,740 Madam! What mean you by this? 296 00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:25,580 Like a scalded she-cat you have sprayed me! 297 00:17:25,581 --> 00:17:27,300 Why else are you paying me? 298 00:17:27,301 --> 00:17:29,500 Paying you? Paying you? 299 00:17:29,501 --> 00:17:33,620 You have done me the most disgraceful wrong. 300 00:17:33,621 --> 00:17:35,815 I will see that you are sorely punished. 301 00:17:35,842 --> 00:17:38,180 Fine. But that'll cost you extra. 302 00:17:38,181 --> 00:17:40,780 Now, come, sirrah, and take a sip of wine. 303 00:17:40,781 --> 00:17:44,300 Madam, I have take had quite enough of your fluids. I'll take no more. 304 00:17:44,301 --> 00:17:46,700 What seems to be the issue here, sir? 305 00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:49,340 Her issue is my issue! 306 00:17:49,341 --> 00:17:53,860 This harlot, this creature, this redheaded whore... 307 00:17:53,861 --> 00:17:55,461 - Yes? - ..has just... 308 00:17:57,301 --> 00:17:59,461 I can scarce get out the words. Has just... 309 00:18:00,701 --> 00:18:03,100 ..used me as a privy! 310 00:18:03,101 --> 00:18:04,380 Excellent! 311 00:18:04,381 --> 00:18:08,460 - And I trust it all went swimmingly. - He refuses now to pay. 312 00:18:08,461 --> 00:18:11,814 Oh, I must insist you pay the lady, sir. 313 00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:14,260 Otherwise, she is wont to stay and make a fuss 314 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:18,700 and, whilst we're on it, perhaps you could supply the other half of this? 315 00:18:18,701 --> 00:18:20,420 Have I gone mad? 316 00:18:20,421 --> 00:18:22,100 Has the world turned upside down? 317 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,740 I am assaulted on all sides then ask to pay for the pleasure. 318 00:18:24,741 --> 00:18:27,900 - That's the idea. - Is this some kind of role-play? 319 00:18:27,901 --> 00:18:28,980 Pay me my money! 320 00:18:28,981 --> 00:18:30,861 I will not! 321 00:18:32,621 --> 00:18:34,380 Will you please be quiet! 322 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:36,101 You keep me from my work. 323 00:18:38,181 --> 00:18:44,100 Look, Red. You wait up here awhile and I will soothe his ire. 324 00:18:44,101 --> 00:18:46,803 I'm hungry and you promised me a meal. 325 00:18:46,830 --> 00:18:50,900 - Here, take these leftovers. - Leftovers? - Look! 326 00:18:50,901 --> 00:18:55,268 - Here, have this. It hasn't been touched. - OK. 327 00:18:55,293 --> 00:18:58,609 Give me but two minutes, I prithee. 328 00:19:05,421 --> 00:19:09,220 Now, child, the ritual is complete and she is in a trancelike state. 329 00:19:09,221 --> 00:19:11,500 When you bring her boyfriend to her door, 330 00:19:11,501 --> 00:19:14,380 she will look upon him with new-found ardour 331 00:19:14,381 --> 00:19:17,620 - and passionately embrace him. - Thank you, Vince. 332 00:19:17,621 --> 00:19:19,740 Cupid himself could not have aimed more true. 333 00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:21,780 I'll fetch him right away. 334 00:19:21,781 --> 00:19:22,860 Ah! 335 00:19:22,861 --> 00:19:23,901 Perfect. 336 00:19:25,781 --> 00:19:27,620 Hello, kind sir. I am Colette the maid. 337 00:19:27,621 --> 00:19:29,100 I'm on an errand, if you would be led. 338 00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:30,841 Ah, good the maid. You must have read my mind. 339 00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:32,232 There's been little spillage on the bed. 340 00:19:32,259 --> 00:19:33,966 Oh, but, sir. I mean... 341 00:19:36,941 --> 00:19:42,940 - No, Mrs Hargreaves, you're in here. 918. - Are you my son? - No. - Oh. 342 00:19:42,941 --> 00:19:45,501 I had him with me but he's forever wandering off. 343 00:19:48,981 --> 00:19:51,340 I have searched every floor from one to nine. 344 00:19:51,341 --> 00:19:53,900 Of my mother, alas, there is no sign. 345 00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:56,100 I curse the day that she went into Boots. 346 00:19:56,101 --> 00:19:58,380 She only wanted Schwarzkopf for her roots. 347 00:19:58,381 --> 00:20:00,620 She slipped and went down like a tonne of bricks, 348 00:20:00,621 --> 00:20:02,820 covered from head to toe in Tixylix. 349 00:20:02,821 --> 00:20:05,100 Oh, I should never have let her from my sight. 350 00:20:05,101 --> 00:20:07,861 I pray that someone's seen her here tonight. 351 00:20:09,802 --> 00:20:11,285 Ah, hello. 352 00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:15,754 - What angel is this knocks upon my door? - Sorry? 353 00:20:15,785 --> 00:20:20,141 My heart has burst and overflowed with joy. 354 00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:24,340 A vision of such beauty and rare poise. 355 00:20:24,341 --> 00:20:27,220 I did do ballet lessons as a boy. 356 00:20:27,221 --> 00:20:29,501 Thine eyes are pools wherein I see myself. 357 00:20:30,541 --> 00:20:33,420 Thy apple cheeks are soft as new-fallen snow. 358 00:20:33,421 --> 00:20:34,700 What are you doing? 359 00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,900 Two cherry lips, I long to take a bite. 360 00:20:36,901 --> 00:20:38,260 I'm going to be reporting this! 361 00:20:38,261 --> 00:20:40,980 Thy firm physique doth make my juices flow! 362 00:20:40,981 --> 00:20:43,540 - It's very nice to meet you, Mrs... - Miss! 363 00:20:43,541 --> 00:20:46,860 And I intend to have you now, right here! 364 00:20:46,861 --> 00:20:48,780 There is a little problem with that plan. 365 00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:50,460 I hate to have to tell you, but I'm... 366 00:20:50,461 --> 00:20:52,980 ..not looking for a relationship at the moment. 367 00:20:52,981 --> 00:20:56,140 If you just come with me. Alas, what's this? 368 00:20:56,141 --> 00:20:58,140 Fair Amber with another man entwined. 369 00:20:58,141 --> 00:20:59,700 She must have seen him first. 370 00:20:59,701 --> 00:21:02,180 Madam, desist! Your boyfriend's here. 371 00:21:02,181 --> 00:21:03,500 I do not care for him. 372 00:21:03,501 --> 00:21:05,620 This man, this god! 373 00:21:05,621 --> 00:21:08,340 This vision is my love. 374 00:21:08,341 --> 00:21:11,380 - Come, let me see thy mighty sword. - Go away! 375 00:21:11,381 --> 00:21:14,140 I wish to keep my sword within its sheath! 376 00:21:14,141 --> 00:21:16,220 It's more like a little dagger anyway. 377 00:21:16,221 --> 00:21:19,660 Sir, speak you to your girlfriend and explain. She has the wrong man. 378 00:21:19,661 --> 00:21:22,700 I know her not. She slapped my face. The woman is insane. 379 00:21:22,701 --> 00:21:25,140 Insane with love! 380 00:21:25,141 --> 00:21:28,143 - And there is but one cure. - Oh, God! 381 00:21:28,170 --> 00:21:30,346 I've waited long enough in there! 382 00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:31,300 Pay up! 383 00:21:31,301 --> 00:21:34,300 Pay up? For what? I know not what you mean. 384 00:21:34,301 --> 00:21:36,380 This hotel is full of madwomen, I swear. 385 00:21:36,381 --> 00:21:39,460 - You take the piss! - No, you took it from me. 386 00:21:39,461 --> 00:21:40,861 Oh! 387 00:21:42,221 --> 00:21:44,780 Mother! Where have you been? You had me worried. 388 00:21:44,781 --> 00:21:46,500 I found her wandering in the corridor. 389 00:21:46,501 --> 00:21:48,020 Here's 50 for your trouble. 390 00:21:48,021 --> 00:21:50,074 Mother! Where did you get that money from? 391 00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:50,886 From him. 392 00:21:50,913 --> 00:21:53,334 Give me that money, grandma! I've earned it. 393 00:21:53,361 --> 00:21:56,700 Well, I earned it, too. Though how, I can't recall. 394 00:21:56,701 --> 00:22:00,340 - You did screw my boyfriend. - Did you, Mother? - It's all my fault. 395 00:22:00,341 --> 00:22:02,260 - I've messed it up. - Calm down. 396 00:22:02,261 --> 00:22:04,460 We just need to untangle what is tangled. 397 00:22:04,461 --> 00:22:08,060 - This gentleman was booked in 914. - No, that is Mr Brown from 911. 398 00:22:08,061 --> 00:22:10,020 In bed with Red while Amber was next door. 399 00:22:10,021 --> 00:22:11,100 Then, Mr Green in 915... 400 00:22:11,101 --> 00:22:12,700 - His bath plug! - ..and Blue in 912. 401 00:22:12,701 --> 00:22:14,740 - Who have I missed? - Red, Amber, Green. 402 00:22:14,741 --> 00:22:15,780 Am I coming or going? 403 00:22:15,781 --> 00:22:17,781 We need to speak to Vince the hypnotist. 404 00:22:20,981 --> 00:22:22,346 Prince Rico, what has happened? 405 00:22:22,373 --> 00:22:23,893 Aren't you tired? I thought you would be sleeping now. 406 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:27,060 With this? You have to give me shelter from these people. 407 00:22:27,061 --> 00:22:28,901 Good Henry, you're the only one I trust. 408 00:22:34,581 --> 00:22:38,060 Oh, Amber. There you are, my love. I've missed you. 409 00:22:38,061 --> 00:22:40,714 I've not missed you, you necrophiliac. 410 00:22:40,741 --> 00:22:41,940 I'm sorry? 411 00:22:42,621 --> 00:22:44,580 I saw you in your room with that old hussy. 412 00:22:44,581 --> 00:22:45,940 Excuse me, I'm not that old! 413 00:22:45,941 --> 00:22:46,981 She means me. 414 00:22:48,021 --> 00:22:50,980 I know I haven't been the perfect boyfriend. 415 00:22:50,981 --> 00:22:52,660 But I want to show you this. 416 00:22:52,661 --> 00:22:54,341 Is this my cake? 417 00:22:58,381 --> 00:23:02,340 You have to know what lies beneath this dome 418 00:23:02,341 --> 00:23:04,341 is a symbol of what you mean to me. 419 00:23:08,861 --> 00:23:10,300 Ooh. 420 00:23:10,301 --> 00:23:12,100 As proposals go, I have seen better. 421 00:23:12,101 --> 00:23:15,140 It's not the most romantic thing to show, a load of old bones. 422 00:23:15,141 --> 00:23:20,060 - Excuse me, that's my mother. - Do you mean me? Who are you again? 423 00:23:20,061 --> 00:23:23,340 - This should have been... - An apple tart? I ate it. 424 00:23:23,341 --> 00:23:26,060 There was a diamond ring concealed within. 425 00:23:26,061 --> 00:23:28,220 Your ring has gone from one tart to another. 426 00:23:28,221 --> 00:23:31,140 Why don't you shut your mouth, you stuck-up b...? 427 00:23:31,141 --> 00:23:33,380 - Ow! - Mother! 428 00:23:33,381 --> 00:23:36,301 Calm down, let's put you back in here. 429 00:23:38,461 --> 00:23:40,420 How are you feeling, Mother? Are you OK? 430 00:23:40,421 --> 00:23:42,220 How many fingers am I holding up? 431 00:23:42,221 --> 00:23:44,580 Oh, Robert! I can't see without my glasses. 432 00:23:44,581 --> 00:23:46,540 - What did you say? - I said I can't see. 433 00:23:46,541 --> 00:23:50,260 - Well, you just called me Robert. - Well, that's your name. 434 00:23:50,261 --> 00:23:53,140 - A mother ought to know her son. - Good God. That slap, 435 00:23:53,141 --> 00:23:56,180 it must have brought you back to me. Oh! 436 00:23:56,181 --> 00:23:58,828 Amber, listen, I do love thee. 437 00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:01,540 She is bewitched, I cannot break the spell. 438 00:24:01,541 --> 00:24:05,460 Just tell us, Vince, what do we need to know to make this right? 439 00:24:05,461 --> 00:24:08,021 I'm sleeping now. Good night. 440 00:24:09,381 --> 00:24:11,701 - Has he been drinking? - He had a glass of wine. 441 00:24:13,341 --> 00:24:15,021 Urgh! 442 00:24:22,061 --> 00:24:24,580 Then I take matters into my own hands. 443 00:24:24,581 --> 00:24:26,980 Don't touch me with those trotters, you fat pig! 444 00:24:26,981 --> 00:24:30,141 With true love's kiss, I aim to break the spell. 445 00:24:34,421 --> 00:24:35,820 No, don't! 446 00:24:35,821 --> 00:24:37,501 - Sorry. - No, I meant don't stop. 447 00:24:40,341 --> 00:24:43,500 - I thought she's your girlfriend. - Mother, please. 448 00:24:43,501 --> 00:24:46,380 Poor Gus! I don't know what came over me. 449 00:24:46,381 --> 00:24:49,020 It wasn't me, I can promise you that. 450 00:24:49,021 --> 00:24:51,140 I love a happy ending, don't you, Fred? 451 00:24:51,141 --> 00:24:53,500 In 917, there's an empty bed. 452 00:24:53,501 --> 00:24:55,220 Of this confusion, I have had my fill. 453 00:24:55,221 --> 00:24:58,101 Excuse me, Miss. I'd like to pay my bill. 454 00:25:06,941 --> 00:25:08,661 For the final time, will you be...? 455 00:25:16,381 --> 00:25:17,421 What's this? 456 00:25:19,861 --> 00:25:23,380 Two peas from the same pod, both shelled. 457 00:25:23,381 --> 00:25:25,700 Do my old eyes deceive me, 458 00:25:25,701 --> 00:25:29,781 or could I be looking at the sons I briefly held? 459 00:25:31,981 --> 00:25:33,461 I was adopted as a child. 460 00:25:34,981 --> 00:25:37,060 And I. 461 00:25:37,061 --> 00:25:39,421 - I never knew my father. - Until now. 462 00:25:41,421 --> 00:25:45,220 I pray you, sirs, do not an old man mock. 463 00:25:45,221 --> 00:25:47,620 We must get to the bottom of this. 464 00:25:47,621 --> 00:25:48,780 How? 465 00:25:48,781 --> 00:25:50,701 The proof, it is behind you. 466 00:25:52,021 --> 00:25:56,020 For my boys both bore a birthmark on their bare behinds. 467 00:25:56,021 --> 00:25:59,340 - It was a most unusual shape. - I know! 468 00:25:59,341 --> 00:26:00,540 It looks just like... 469 00:26:00,541 --> 00:26:02,380 The chair from Mastermind! 470 00:26:02,381 --> 00:26:04,340 It's true. I saw it on his bum. 471 00:26:04,341 --> 00:26:07,020 It makes me think of Magnus Magnusson! 472 00:26:07,021 --> 00:26:09,101 Give me but one moment, I implore. 473 00:26:10,101 --> 00:26:11,941 I won't need that bath plug any more. 474 00:26:18,341 --> 00:26:20,301 I always felt that I was but a half. 475 00:26:21,461 --> 00:26:24,780 Lacking not just a father and a mother. 476 00:26:24,781 --> 00:26:27,780 Meeting your other half makes you a whole. 477 00:26:27,781 --> 00:26:30,541 - Does that sound wrong? - It's nice to meet you... 478 00:26:32,157 --> 00:26:33,554 brother. 479 00:26:34,621 --> 00:26:35,861 Oh! Lovely! 480 00:26:37,741 --> 00:26:40,940 So, all is resolved. Just like a theatre play. 481 00:26:40,941 --> 00:26:43,060 And I can get my happy end away. 482 00:26:43,061 --> 00:26:44,501 Not so fast! 483 00:26:46,261 --> 00:26:49,580 Everybody stay exactly where they are. 484 00:26:49,581 --> 00:26:51,980 I'm sorry to break up this pretty scene 485 00:26:51,981 --> 00:26:56,220 but I have unfinished business with Prince Rico. 486 00:26:56,221 --> 00:26:58,901 I pray you, sirs, which one of you is he? 487 00:26:59,941 --> 00:27:03,380 - 'Tis I. - 'Tis I. - 'Tis I. - Mother, calm down! 488 00:27:03,381 --> 00:27:05,940 You have set this up to try to muddle me. 489 00:27:05,941 --> 00:27:08,900 Step forward, Prince, or Daddy gets the knife. 490 00:27:08,901 --> 00:27:11,420 That's what you call dramatic irony! 491 00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:13,900 Oh, I know him. He saw my show tonight. 492 00:27:13,901 --> 00:27:17,420 Please, spare his life and take me in his place. 493 00:27:17,421 --> 00:27:21,620 I've had enough. The old man has to die. I'll spill his guts. 494 00:27:21,621 --> 00:27:25,260 Spaghetti bolognese! 495 00:27:25,261 --> 00:27:26,740 Urgh! 496 00:27:26,741 --> 00:27:29,180 ? Ooooooh! The hokey cokey! 497 00:27:29,181 --> 00:27:32,100 ? Oooooh, the hokey cokey... ? 498 00:27:32,101 --> 00:27:35,500 - Vince, you've saved the day. - Thank you, child. 499 00:27:35,501 --> 00:27:37,620 I'm glad that everyone is reconciled. 500 00:27:37,621 --> 00:27:39,580 - I thought I was goner. - No way, Pops. 501 00:27:39,581 --> 00:27:42,140 Let's lock him in his room and call the cops. 502 00:27:42,141 --> 00:27:43,540 ? Left leg out! 503 00:27:43,541 --> 00:27:47,140 ? In, out, in, out! Shake it all about! ? 504 00:27:47,141 --> 00:27:50,144 Can someone tell me what's gone on today? 505 00:27:50,581 --> 00:27:52,821 It's more than a rhyming couplet can relay. 506 00:27:54,501 --> 00:27:56,569 I wish you had your diamond ring. 507 00:27:56,596 --> 00:27:58,275 But, hush! 508 00:27:58,302 --> 00:28:00,630 I think that I did hear a toilet flush. 509 00:28:04,941 --> 00:28:06,340 Oh! 510 00:28:06,341 --> 00:28:07,381 You found it. 511 00:28:13,501 --> 00:28:15,061 Aw! 512 00:28:24,341 --> 00:28:26,740 I hope you've enjoyed your stay at Zanzibar. 513 00:28:26,741 --> 00:28:28,980 We're all little older, if not wiser. 514 00:28:28,981 --> 00:28:31,740 If you've enjoyed your stay, please, tell your friends. 515 00:28:31,741 --> 00:28:34,084 And write a nice review on TripAdvisor! 516 00:28:42,763 --> 00:28:47,544 www.subtitulamos.tv