1 00:00:01,568 --> 00:00:03,503 Hi, I'm Captain Dave, and I'll be escorting 2 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:06,839 you to an exclusive preview of the pilot episode of 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:07,940 "LA to Vegas." 4 00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,108 If there's anything else you need... 5 00:00:09,165 --> 00:00:11,611 snack, blanket, perhaps a cocktail... well, 6 00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:13,103 you're on your own there. 7 00:00:13,104 --> 00:00:14,295 That's not my job. 8 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:15,515 Enjoy the show. 9 00:00:24,432 --> 00:00:26,432 _ 10 00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:32,826 Hi, Mr. Brightman. 11 00:00:32,827 --> 00:00:34,193 It's Ronnie Messing. 12 00:00:34,194 --> 00:00:35,761 We met yesterday. 13 00:00:35,762 --> 00:00:37,562 I was just calling to... Oh, wait! 14 00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:39,635 Sorry, not you. 15 00:00:39,681 --> 00:00:40,870 I'm yelling at a car. 16 00:00:41,204 --> 00:00:43,038 Anyway, I just want you to know 17 00:00:43,039 --> 00:00:45,640 I'm very, very interested in the job. 18 00:00:45,641 --> 00:00:46,932 I still... Oh, wait! 19 00:00:47,043 --> 00:00:48,550 Again, not you. 20 00:00:48,775 --> 00:00:50,178 So call me. 21 00:00:50,179 --> 00:00:52,379 I'm talking to you this time, not the car. 22 00:00:57,787 --> 00:00:59,554 - Hey, dick! - Sorry. 23 00:00:59,555 --> 00:01:00,911 No liquids. 24 00:01:02,592 --> 00:01:04,259 Ow. 25 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,561 Ow. 26 00:01:12,885 --> 00:01:14,336 _ 27 00:01:19,275 --> 00:01:20,372 Excuse me, guys. 28 00:01:20,373 --> 00:01:21,906 Sorry, I have to get through here. 29 00:01:21,907 --> 00:01:23,274 I know. Thank you very much. 30 00:01:23,275 --> 00:01:24,709 - Hey! - Oh, God. Sorry. 31 00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:26,110 Thank you. Excuse me. Oh. 32 00:01:26,111 --> 00:01:28,112 Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Excuse me. 33 00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:39,724 Welcome aboard. 34 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:41,559 Got dressed in the terminal again, didn't you? 35 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,208 Well, at least I wore underwear this time. Welcome! 36 00:01:44,496 --> 00:01:45,630 Jackpot Airlines. 37 00:01:45,631 --> 00:01:47,565 Northeast-bound to Las Vegas. 38 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:54,317 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 39 00:01:55,470 --> 00:01:57,210 That's the third time you've checked your phone. 40 00:01:57,235 --> 00:01:58,395 Am I not enough for you? 41 00:01:58,416 --> 00:02:00,253 I'm sorry. I'm expecting a call. 42 00:02:00,836 --> 00:02:02,892 You heard about Margie Kendall at Delta, right? 43 00:02:02,893 --> 00:02:04,593 Yeah, they fired her after she freaked out 44 00:02:04,594 --> 00:02:06,729 and started sprinkling bacon all over the vegan meals. 45 00:02:06,730 --> 00:02:08,731 Well, I applied for her job. 46 00:02:08,732 --> 00:02:10,899 - I interviewed for it yesterday. - Girl, no. 47 00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:12,301 That's the JFK route. 48 00:02:12,302 --> 00:02:14,069 You don't want it. It's so sad. 49 00:02:14,070 --> 00:02:16,472 The only reason people fly to New York is for work, 50 00:02:16,473 --> 00:02:17,828 and, ugh, to see plays. 51 00:02:18,041 --> 00:02:19,393 Even the name JFK... 52 00:02:19,643 --> 00:02:21,230 so tragic. 53 00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:23,392 It's not just about New York, Bernard. 54 00:02:23,580 --> 00:02:25,948 New York leads to London, which leads to Hong Kong. 55 00:02:25,949 --> 00:02:28,344 I could see the world. Isn't that why we do this? 56 00:02:28,485 --> 00:02:29,603 Let me tell you something. 57 00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:31,399 I've been doing this for a long time. 58 00:02:31,562 --> 00:02:32,929 I've been on flights with royalty. 59 00:02:32,930 --> 00:02:35,065 Hollywood royalty. Elizabeth Taylor. 60 00:02:35,254 --> 00:02:37,335 - She threw an earring at a baby. - Okay. 61 00:02:37,527 --> 00:02:39,095 And of all those destinations, 62 00:02:39,096 --> 00:02:41,363 Las Vegas is the most enchanting place there is. 63 00:02:41,364 --> 00:02:43,199 A place where tigers are liberated 64 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,535 from their dirty jungles, and acrobats can make a living. 65 00:02:46,536 --> 00:02:48,537 Do you really want to leave this? 66 00:02:48,538 --> 00:02:51,474 I need to be on a real airline where people aren't just looking 67 00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,742 to cheat on their wives and butt-smuggle molly. 68 00:02:53,743 --> 00:02:55,878 Don't joke. I lost a friend that way. 69 00:02:55,879 --> 00:02:57,580 Ronnie! 70 00:02:57,581 --> 00:02:58,581 Ronnie? 71 00:02:58,582 --> 00:03:00,015 - Ronnie! - Okay, okay. 72 00:03:00,379 --> 00:03:01,750 Artem, what's the problem? 73 00:03:01,751 --> 00:03:04,854 There's a baby man sitting in my seat. 74 00:03:04,855 --> 00:03:07,223 We've been over this. There aren't assigned seats. 75 00:03:07,224 --> 00:03:09,325 But you know this is my lucky seat. 76 00:03:09,326 --> 00:03:11,827 If I sit here, I lose, if I sit here, I lose, 77 00:03:11,828 --> 00:03:14,029 but if I sit here, I win. 78 00:03:14,030 --> 00:03:16,532 And I can hire some sexy dancing ladies. 79 00:03:16,533 --> 00:03:19,401 This seat is a job creator. 80 00:03:19,402 --> 00:03:22,505 Then pay the extra seven dollars for priority boarding. 81 00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:25,574 It's only a lucky seat if it's free. 82 00:03:25,575 --> 00:03:27,109 We don't care where we sit. 83 00:03:27,110 --> 00:03:28,744 We'd just like two seats next to each other. 84 00:03:28,745 --> 00:03:30,379 He's adorable. 85 00:03:30,380 --> 00:03:32,850 Okay. One moment. 86 00:03:33,016 --> 00:03:34,617 - Thank you. - Um... Oh. 87 00:03:34,618 --> 00:03:36,685 Hi. I'm sorry, would you mind terribly 88 00:03:36,686 --> 00:03:38,721 sitting next to this pain in the ass 89 00:03:38,722 --> 00:03:40,422 and letting the couple take your row? 90 00:03:40,423 --> 00:03:42,667 Oh, no. No, I'd rather not. 91 00:03:42,692 --> 00:03:45,261 I like to keep to myself, and he's a bit of a talker. 92 00:03:45,262 --> 00:03:46,762 That's a nice shirt. 93 00:03:46,763 --> 00:03:48,464 How much percent cotton? 94 00:03:48,465 --> 00:03:50,032 Okay. 95 00:03:50,033 --> 00:03:51,867 Thank you. That's helpful. 96 00:03:52,942 --> 00:03:53,964 All right. 97 00:03:53,989 --> 00:03:55,939 Anybody sitting next to an unoccupied seat 98 00:03:55,940 --> 00:03:58,374 and is willing to move gets free beer! 99 00:03:58,375 --> 00:04:00,187 You! 100 00:04:01,591 --> 00:04:02,978 Not you. 101 00:04:02,979 --> 00:04:05,147 Anyone drinking for one? 102 00:04:05,544 --> 00:04:06,715 You, sir. 103 00:04:09,384 --> 00:04:11,886 - Thank you. - Of course. You're welcome. 104 00:04:11,887 --> 00:04:13,114 After you. 105 00:04:15,757 --> 00:04:17,779 You happy now, or is he bad luck, too? 106 00:04:17,804 --> 00:04:19,070 Not sure yet. 107 00:04:19,095 --> 00:04:20,377 Are you Jew? 108 00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:25,110 Take it from me, Muay Thai will change your life. 109 00:04:25,111 --> 00:04:27,078 - Mm-hmm. - I myself started taking lessons, 110 00:04:27,079 --> 00:04:29,448 but I'm picking it up so fast that I'm also giving lessons. 111 00:04:29,449 --> 00:04:32,083 Captain, cabin's ready and doors are closed. 112 00:04:32,084 --> 00:04:34,644 All right, gentlemen, it's time to get high. 113 00:04:34,987 --> 00:04:37,656 And also fly this old bird. Just a little captain's joke. 114 00:04:37,657 --> 00:04:39,324 I never get high when I'm flying, 115 00:04:39,325 --> 00:04:41,259 unless I mistimed the edible. 116 00:04:41,260 --> 00:04:43,094 Another captain's joke. 117 00:04:43,704 --> 00:04:46,132 You really think that's a good use of everyone's time? 118 00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:48,767 If I can't have some fun with my passengers, why am I here? 119 00:04:48,768 --> 00:04:50,769 To fly the plane. Go do that. 120 00:04:50,770 --> 00:04:52,270 Ronnie, I haven't taken orders 121 00:04:52,271 --> 00:04:54,272 since I was in the Air Force or married. 122 00:04:54,273 --> 00:04:56,915 Fortunately, I was honorably discharged from both. 123 00:04:58,252 --> 00:05:00,919 He still looks at pictures of his ex-wife and cries. 124 00:05:02,281 --> 00:05:03,985 You want to do the honors, Alan? 125 00:05:04,619 --> 00:05:06,318 - Yeah! - No. You never touch this. 126 00:05:06,319 --> 00:05:08,220 This is Captain Dave time. 127 00:05:08,221 --> 00:05:11,890 Good afternoon, everyone. This is your captain and friend. 128 00:05:11,891 --> 00:05:15,660 I'd like to welcome you on Jackpot Airlines Flight 1610, 129 00:05:15,661 --> 00:05:18,331 service to "Lost Wages." 130 00:05:20,333 --> 00:05:21,696 Why aren't you laughing? 131 00:05:22,328 --> 00:05:24,003 I've heard it, like, 1,200 times. 132 00:05:26,639 --> 00:05:30,141 Okay, I saw you talking to the British invasion before. 133 00:05:30,481 --> 00:05:32,449 Shut up right now and tell us everything. 134 00:05:32,450 --> 00:05:34,117 Oh, it was magical. 135 00:05:34,119 --> 00:05:36,354 I ask him to move, he said no. 136 00:05:36,355 --> 00:05:39,090 But that accent. Does he call his pants "trousers"? 137 00:05:39,091 --> 00:05:41,526 Ooh, I bet he likes warm beer. Do we have any? 138 00:05:41,527 --> 00:05:43,528 The fridge is broken; that's all we have. 139 00:05:43,999 --> 00:05:45,763 Maybe he's a secret agent like James Bond, 140 00:05:45,764 --> 00:05:47,298 who keeps falling in love 141 00:05:47,299 --> 00:05:48,955 with the witnesses he's sworn to protect. 142 00:05:48,967 --> 00:05:50,535 But, oh, they keep getting killed. 143 00:05:50,536 --> 00:05:52,302 Well, he's terrible at his job, then. 144 00:05:52,303 --> 00:05:54,378 Explains why he flies this airline. 145 00:05:55,283 --> 00:05:56,304 You know what? 146 00:05:56,329 --> 00:05:58,608 I'm just gonna find out British guy's deal myself. 147 00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:01,077 I might as well, right? Today is my last chance. 148 00:06:01,078 --> 00:06:03,246 - Why? What's going on? - Oh, I didn't tell you? 149 00:06:03,247 --> 00:06:05,282 Delta hired me for their JFK route. 150 00:06:06,419 --> 00:06:08,118 You got Margie Kendall's job. 151 00:06:08,119 --> 00:06:09,624 Oh... 152 00:06:09,820 --> 00:06:11,614 Wow! 153 00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:14,157 That's so... great! 154 00:06:14,158 --> 00:06:17,427 I mean, what a big... big deal for you. 155 00:06:22,070 --> 00:06:23,737 Ladies and gentlemen, 156 00:06:23,738 --> 00:06:25,589 if you're looking for a high-quality steak 157 00:06:25,807 --> 00:06:27,411 at a low-quality price, 158 00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:29,188 go to Ernie's Steakhouse off the Strip. 159 00:06:29,213 --> 00:06:31,284 Trust me, I don't get paid to say this. 160 00:06:31,682 --> 00:06:32,940 Free steak. 161 00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:35,549 - Bye. - Bye. 162 00:06:38,522 --> 00:06:40,642 Oh, my God, are you a stripper? 163 00:06:40,925 --> 00:06:42,422 Um... no. 164 00:06:42,447 --> 00:06:44,995 Why not? You have an amazing body. 165 00:06:44,996 --> 00:06:46,730 You could totally be a stripper. 166 00:06:46,731 --> 00:06:49,132 I'm a stripper. Kelly's a stripper. 167 00:06:49,433 --> 00:06:52,102 We go to Vegas on the weekends because you can make, like, 168 00:06:52,103 --> 00:06:54,128 ten times more there than you would in L. A. 169 00:06:54,161 --> 00:06:55,901 Especially if there's a big fight in town 170 00:06:55,929 --> 00:06:58,131 or a trade show for phones or toilets or whatever. 171 00:06:58,132 --> 00:07:00,656 I mean, you would not believe how lonely urinal salesmen are. 172 00:07:01,034 --> 00:07:03,236 That all sounds... neat. 173 00:07:03,470 --> 00:07:07,106 Um, but actually, I'm going to Vegas to get married. 174 00:07:07,107 --> 00:07:08,875 Oh, that's so romantic. 175 00:07:08,876 --> 00:07:11,377 - Marriage is the best. - Are you married? 176 00:07:11,378 --> 00:07:13,913 No. But a lot of the guys who ask me for oral are. 177 00:07:13,914 --> 00:07:16,382 Anyway, if you ever want to come by the club and dance, 178 00:07:16,383 --> 00:07:17,884 ask for Nichole. 179 00:07:17,885 --> 00:07:19,786 I get a bonus for every new girl I bring in. 180 00:07:19,787 --> 00:07:22,321 And don't worry, I'm not gonna make you trap or anything. 181 00:07:22,322 --> 00:07:24,590 - Trap? - Tell you that we're gonna go 182 00:07:24,591 --> 00:07:27,126 and strip and party, but then force you into prostitution. 183 00:07:27,127 --> 00:07:30,229 Oh. Well, I wasn't worried about that, 184 00:07:30,230 --> 00:07:33,399 but now it's the only thing I'll ever worry about. 185 00:07:37,288 --> 00:07:40,139 I trained Jill. How could they give her that job over me? 186 00:07:40,140 --> 00:07:41,574 So you didn't get JFK. 187 00:07:41,575 --> 00:07:43,109 Personally, I think you dodged a bullet. 188 00:07:43,110 --> 00:07:45,645 Unlike a certain president on a cold November day. 189 00:07:45,646 --> 00:07:47,446 I did not take this job to be stuck 190 00:07:47,447 --> 00:07:49,182 on the same stupid route forever. 191 00:07:49,183 --> 00:07:51,184 I thought I was going to travel the world, 192 00:07:51,185 --> 00:07:52,485 meet interesting people. 193 00:07:52,486 --> 00:07:53,920 I thought I would have adventures. 194 00:07:53,921 --> 00:07:55,755 I thought I was gonna be a dancer. 195 00:07:55,756 --> 00:07:58,357 Oh, my God. Is that how crazy I sound? 196 00:07:58,358 --> 00:07:59,826 Ronnie, this is where you belong. 197 00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:01,260 You are great at this job. 198 00:08:01,261 --> 00:08:02,862 You speak these people's language. 199 00:08:02,863 --> 00:08:04,630 I don't want to speak their language. 200 00:08:04,631 --> 00:08:06,799 I want to speak French or Italian 201 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,101 or whatever accent Madonna's faking right now. 202 00:08:09,102 --> 00:08:10,736 You leave Madonna out of this. 203 00:08:10,737 --> 00:08:12,738 I can't do this anymore, Bernard. 204 00:08:12,763 --> 00:08:14,164 I've had enough. 205 00:08:14,563 --> 00:08:15,641 I quit. 206 00:08:15,642 --> 00:08:17,944 - No, you don't. - Yes, I do. I'm done. 207 00:08:17,945 --> 00:08:20,746 And the raving bitch in 5E needs a double screwdriver. 208 00:08:20,747 --> 00:08:23,250 - There's no one in 5E. - There is now. 209 00:08:25,319 --> 00:08:28,754 And don't worry, I'm not gonna make you trap or anything. 210 00:08:32,433 --> 00:08:34,101 Hey, we don't even need a chapel. 211 00:08:34,102 --> 00:08:36,436 This guy will come to our hotel room and marry us for free 212 00:08:36,437 --> 00:08:39,940 - if we let him film the... Never mind. - Hello. 213 00:08:39,941 --> 00:08:43,176 I would like to apologize for my earlier rudeness. 214 00:08:43,177 --> 00:08:46,513 I didn't even say congratulations for wedding. 215 00:08:47,682 --> 00:08:49,546 Oh. Thank you. 216 00:08:49,717 --> 00:08:51,351 So, give me the deets. 217 00:08:52,553 --> 00:08:54,222 You are eloping? 218 00:08:54,455 --> 00:08:56,690 Well, we actually aren't calling it that, 219 00:08:56,691 --> 00:09:00,394 but, yeah, I-I guess that is what we're doing. 220 00:09:00,395 --> 00:09:03,830 Marriage is such a beautiful institution. I'm married. 221 00:09:03,831 --> 00:09:07,134 The first time I see wife, it was like Cupid hit me. 222 00:09:07,135 --> 00:09:09,002 Yeah. Yeah, that's how we felt. 223 00:09:09,003 --> 00:09:10,637 - Yeah. - We're high school sweethearts. 224 00:09:10,638 --> 00:09:13,440 So why you elope? He knock you up? 225 00:09:13,441 --> 00:09:15,304 No. God, no, she's not pregnant. 226 00:09:15,329 --> 00:09:16,398 I... 227 00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:18,658 Oh, because you're virgins? 228 00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:21,828 It's religious, and now you want to get married quickly 229 00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,262 so he can make entry. 230 00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,964 I'm sorry. So he can what? 231 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:27,233 Uh, we're-we're not religious. 232 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,325 It's just... 233 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,470 Our parents are throwing this giant wedding for us 234 00:09:30,471 --> 00:09:32,238 that we don't want. 235 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,706 We finally decided to just do this on our own terms. 236 00:09:34,731 --> 00:09:36,665 Well, I wish the both of you 237 00:09:36,690 --> 00:09:40,462 a lifetime full of happiness, luck and love. 238 00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:42,348 - Thank you. - Yup. 239 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,619 What a sweet man. 240 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,956 It is to piss off the parents. 241 00:09:58,587 --> 00:10:01,111 Hey, King George, you want to have a drink with me? 242 00:10:01,916 --> 00:10:04,018 Seems like you're doing fine by yourself. 243 00:10:04,292 --> 00:10:06,069 Vodka, scotch, tequila. 244 00:10:06,070 --> 00:10:08,261 It's like you're hosting the Olympics in your liver. 245 00:10:08,342 --> 00:10:10,740 Oh, yeah. Well, Russia's in the lead, 246 00:10:10,741 --> 00:10:12,789 but Mexico's coming on strong. 247 00:10:13,677 --> 00:10:14,679 Mmm. 248 00:10:15,279 --> 00:10:16,606 Oh, come on. 249 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,819 One drink. I'm having a bad day. 250 00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:21,210 - Fine, I'll have one. - Hmm. 251 00:10:21,211 --> 00:10:22,747 But only 'cause I'm concerned about 252 00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:24,826 what all this liquor is doing to somebody of your body mass. 253 00:10:24,827 --> 00:10:26,660 Oh, you've noticed my body mass. 254 00:10:27,273 --> 00:10:29,643 Yes, well, you have to have a keen eye 255 00:10:29,668 --> 00:10:31,469 when you're an MI6 agent. 256 00:10:32,512 --> 00:10:33,679 Even a terrible one 257 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,118 who kills all his witnesses. 258 00:10:35,782 --> 00:10:38,450 No, you don't kill them. 259 00:10:38,451 --> 00:10:41,230 You're just so incompetent, they die on your watch. 260 00:10:41,288 --> 00:10:43,122 - Oh, right. - Yeah. 261 00:10:43,123 --> 00:10:45,424 I need to do a better job of eavesdropping next time. 262 00:10:45,425 --> 00:10:47,026 Mistakes like that get people killed. 263 00:10:47,027 --> 00:10:48,734 Yeah. 264 00:10:49,162 --> 00:10:50,796 You know, in eight months of flying, 265 00:10:50,797 --> 00:10:52,890 I think this is the most I've ever heard you talk. 266 00:10:53,033 --> 00:10:54,967 Well, I guess it's 'cause you haven't got me drunk before. 267 00:10:54,968 --> 00:10:56,869 - You want another one? - No. No, no, no. 268 00:10:56,870 --> 00:10:59,471 One more, and I'm gonna have to attend a tiny A. A. meeting. 269 00:11:00,874 --> 00:11:02,274 Okay, so what do you really do? 270 00:11:02,275 --> 00:11:05,311 I am a professor of economics at, uh, UCLA. 271 00:11:05,312 --> 00:11:07,913 Oh, well, are you at least, like, a rogue professor 272 00:11:07,914 --> 00:11:09,581 who plays by his own rules? 273 00:11:09,582 --> 00:11:12,766 No. I generally operate within university bylaws. 274 00:11:12,805 --> 00:11:15,220 Wait, did you say you teach economics? 275 00:11:15,221 --> 00:11:17,289 Okay, you might know this. So, I'm an exotic dancer, 276 00:11:17,290 --> 00:11:19,958 and I get naked at work, but I also get naked in my home. 277 00:11:19,959 --> 00:11:21,727 Can I write that off as a home office? 278 00:11:21,728 --> 00:11:23,095 I don't believe so. 279 00:11:23,096 --> 00:11:24,800 I'm gonna kill Amber. 280 00:11:28,735 --> 00:11:30,300 Nice to see you. 281 00:11:30,770 --> 00:11:32,237 Well, look at that. 282 00:11:32,238 --> 00:11:33,906 You two kids getting married this weekend? 283 00:11:33,907 --> 00:11:35,007 Uh-huh. 284 00:11:35,008 --> 00:11:36,475 That's fantastic. 285 00:11:36,476 --> 00:11:38,477 You know, if you need an officiant... 286 00:11:38,478 --> 00:11:40,579 Oh, actually, we might. Are you ordained? 287 00:11:40,580 --> 00:11:43,282 Uh, yeah. You're sitting in my ordination. 288 00:11:43,283 --> 00:11:45,851 You know how a boat captain can marry anyone? 289 00:11:45,852 --> 00:11:47,920 I'm a plane captain. 290 00:11:47,921 --> 00:11:49,455 It's the same thing. 291 00:11:49,456 --> 00:11:51,423 It's not the same thing. 292 00:11:51,424 --> 00:11:52,925 Yes, it is. What the hell do you know? 293 00:11:52,926 --> 00:11:54,593 I know that you should be flying this plane 294 00:11:54,594 --> 00:11:56,161 and not talking garbage. 295 00:11:56,162 --> 00:11:57,930 If you understood anything about modern aviation, 296 00:11:57,931 --> 00:11:59,631 you know these planes fly themselves. 297 00:11:59,632 --> 00:12:02,133 This baby is a technological marvel. 298 00:12:02,635 --> 00:12:05,104 And besides, my job isn't just about flying the plane. 299 00:12:05,105 --> 00:12:06,972 It's about connecting with the passengers. 300 00:12:06,973 --> 00:12:09,541 Connect with us by not crashing the plane! 301 00:12:09,542 --> 00:12:11,404 I'll connect however the hell I want! 302 00:12:11,711 --> 00:12:15,047 Hey, you still owe me $300 from, uh, Vikings last week. 303 00:12:15,048 --> 00:12:16,520 I'm good for it. 304 00:12:18,585 --> 00:12:21,587 I really thought that Delta job was my chance. 305 00:12:21,588 --> 00:12:24,256 I-I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. 306 00:12:24,872 --> 00:12:26,291 Uh-huh. 307 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:28,561 "Uh-huh," what? 308 00:12:28,562 --> 00:12:30,763 Oh, it's nothing. I was just clearing my throat. 309 00:12:30,764 --> 00:12:33,132 The accent makes it sound, um, judgmental. 310 00:12:33,133 --> 00:12:35,268 No, it's fine. You can tell me. I'm a big girl. 311 00:12:38,482 --> 00:12:41,774 Well, I've observed that you are quite impulsive. 312 00:12:41,775 --> 00:12:43,776 You did just quit your job on this airline 313 00:12:43,777 --> 00:12:45,811 because you didn't get a job on another airline, 314 00:12:45,812 --> 00:12:47,913 which is precisely when you would need a job 315 00:12:47,914 --> 00:12:49,410 on this airline. 316 00:12:49,783 --> 00:12:53,232 Thank you very much, but I don't need to get lectured by you. 317 00:12:53,453 --> 00:12:56,423 People literally pay to get lectured by me. 318 00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:59,992 Okay, TED Talk, what would you have done? 319 00:12:59,993 --> 00:13:02,027 Well, since you asked, I would have analyzed 320 00:13:02,028 --> 00:13:04,029 current hiring trends in the job market, 321 00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:06,198 cross-referenced those with my experience and particular... 322 00:13:06,199 --> 00:13:07,966 - Oh, my God! - If nothing else, 323 00:13:07,967 --> 00:13:09,968 I wouldn't have quit on the outbound flight, 324 00:13:10,460 --> 00:13:12,821 'cause now you're gonna have to pay for your own way home. 325 00:13:16,489 --> 00:13:17,443 Damn it. Yes. 326 00:13:17,444 --> 00:13:20,712 That was dumb on my part, but I go with my gut, 327 00:13:20,713 --> 00:13:23,816 unlike some overthinky British know-it-all 328 00:13:23,817 --> 00:13:25,484 with an NPR tote bag. 329 00:13:25,485 --> 00:13:26,952 Okay, their programming is brought to us 330 00:13:26,953 --> 00:13:28,053 by listeners like me. 331 00:13:28,054 --> 00:13:29,621 Well, I don't have to listen to you 332 00:13:29,622 --> 00:13:31,790 just because you have a sexy accent. 333 00:13:31,791 --> 00:13:33,492 Well, I don't have to engage with you 334 00:13:33,493 --> 00:13:35,327 just because you're uncommonly beautiful. 335 00:13:35,328 --> 00:13:36,895 Why are you complimenting me? 336 00:13:36,896 --> 00:13:38,564 You complimented me first. 337 00:13:38,565 --> 00:13:40,232 This is a very confusing fight! 338 00:13:40,233 --> 00:13:42,000 You're a very confusing woman! 339 00:13:42,001 --> 00:13:44,304 Well, I know how to make it more confusing! 340 00:13:50,109 --> 00:13:52,678 That's wet, that's wet, that's wet. 341 00:13:52,679 --> 00:13:55,247 This is so much grosser than I ever imagined it would be. 342 00:13:55,973 --> 00:13:58,107 Never touch that with your hand! 343 00:14:02,746 --> 00:14:04,341 You two banging in there? 344 00:14:05,370 --> 00:14:06,696 Rain check? 345 00:14:06,724 --> 00:14:08,450 - God, yes. - Yeah, okay, okay. 346 00:14:08,484 --> 00:14:10,785 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Las Vegas. 347 00:14:12,621 --> 00:14:14,856 Okay, so it looks like the chapel is next to a gun range. 348 00:14:14,857 --> 00:14:16,491 - Ooh. - Wait, the chapel is a gun range. 349 00:14:16,492 --> 00:14:18,556 Hey, look, I've never done anything like that before. 350 00:14:18,581 --> 00:14:19,894 I don't want you to think that... 351 00:14:19,895 --> 00:14:20,895 Oh, I don't. 352 00:14:20,896 --> 00:14:22,230 Also, by the way, neither have I. 353 00:14:22,231 --> 00:14:23,908 - So I don't want you to think... - I don't. 354 00:14:23,939 --> 00:14:26,219 Good. So, neither of us think. 355 00:14:26,244 --> 00:14:28,112 Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! 356 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,914 I'll call you when I'm back in L. A. 357 00:14:30,915 --> 00:14:31,972 I'd like that. 358 00:14:32,217 --> 00:14:33,851 Vegas! Vegas! 359 00:14:40,291 --> 00:14:41,892 Well, bad news, folks. 360 00:14:41,893 --> 00:14:44,128 Flight 1322 with service to Los Angeles 361 00:14:44,129 --> 00:14:46,406 will be delayed at least another hour. 362 00:14:47,715 --> 00:14:49,948 I just want to throw up in my own house. 363 00:14:53,238 --> 00:14:55,372 Hey. How'd you do this weekend? 364 00:14:55,373 --> 00:14:57,274 Ah, so-so. 365 00:14:57,752 --> 00:14:59,309 What about you? 366 00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:01,923 Pretty good. 367 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,049 Maybe I should quit card, become stripper, huh? 368 00:15:05,050 --> 00:15:06,984 Well, what are you working with? 'Cause you'll clean up 369 00:15:06,985 --> 00:15:09,253 if you're bigger than eight or smaller than three. 370 00:15:09,254 --> 00:15:10,721 And then she says, 371 00:15:10,722 --> 00:15:13,223 "I can't be with someone who's always somewhere else." 372 00:15:13,224 --> 00:15:15,359 So I say, "Booboo, I'm a pilot." 373 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,696 And she says, "No, emotionally somewhere else." 374 00:15:18,697 --> 00:15:20,864 Then... I don't know what she said. 375 00:15:20,865 --> 00:15:23,258 I had to end the FaceTime because we were landing. 376 00:15:24,102 --> 00:15:25,135 Mmm. 377 00:15:25,336 --> 00:15:27,237 One more for the road, Scotty. 378 00:15:27,238 --> 00:15:28,916 I'm wheels up in ten. 379 00:15:35,553 --> 00:15:36,747 It's club soda. 380 00:15:40,118 --> 00:15:42,220 Flight 1322, now boarding. 381 00:15:43,953 --> 00:15:45,133 Hey, there. 382 00:15:45,173 --> 00:15:46,265 Hi. 383 00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:48,391 Uh, what are you doing here? I thought you quit. 384 00:15:48,392 --> 00:15:49,959 Oh, well, you were right. 385 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,886 That might've been a little too impulsive. 386 00:15:51,924 --> 00:15:53,864 And besides, this job is not all that bad. 387 00:15:53,889 --> 00:15:56,157 I meet some interesting people at least, right? 388 00:15:56,158 --> 00:15:58,059 Uh, yeah, that's good. Uh, pleased for you. 389 00:15:58,060 --> 00:16:00,561 Here's the thing, uh, quick update... 390 00:16:00,562 --> 00:16:02,430 Honey, all the bins are full. 391 00:16:02,431 --> 00:16:03,831 I hate other people's stuff. 392 00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:05,633 Hi. Can you check this for us? 393 00:16:07,410 --> 00:16:08,535 "Us"? 394 00:16:09,549 --> 00:16:11,016 You two are together? 395 00:16:11,017 --> 00:16:12,918 Yeah. We're married. Isn't he lucky? 396 00:16:12,919 --> 00:16:14,419 Can you take it, please? 397 00:16:14,901 --> 00:16:16,088 Yes. 398 00:16:16,089 --> 00:16:17,489 Absolutely. 399 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,926 I didn't realize you had so much baggage. 400 00:16:26,164 --> 00:16:27,898 For the new trick, Pascal the Magnificent 401 00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:30,167 wants to make me disappear 402 00:16:30,168 --> 00:16:33,661 and then reappear in Jerusalem. 403 00:16:33,751 --> 00:16:35,931 But I don't know. I don't like hummus. 404 00:16:36,141 --> 00:16:38,213 Excuse me. 405 00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:41,624 Oh, no, it's guacamole I don't like. 406 00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:43,059 I don't like guacamole. 407 00:16:43,060 --> 00:16:44,661 Attention, passengers, 408 00:16:44,662 --> 00:16:46,926 you are now free to move about the cabin. 409 00:16:47,405 --> 00:16:48,855 Hello. Could I please explain? 410 00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:50,431 No need. I get it. Mystery solved. 411 00:16:50,456 --> 00:16:52,324 You go to Vegas every weekend to see your wife. 412 00:16:52,325 --> 00:16:54,159 No. I go to see my child. 413 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:55,761 Of course you have a family. 414 00:16:55,762 --> 00:16:58,196 You didn't think about maybe mentioning that to me before? 415 00:16:58,197 --> 00:16:59,998 Oh, yeah, while you were unbuttoning my pants, 416 00:16:59,999 --> 00:17:02,432 I kept on thinking, "I can't wait for her to meet my son." 417 00:17:02,672 --> 00:17:04,806 - Look... - I can't believe how stupid I feel. 418 00:17:04,807 --> 00:17:06,775 I was just having such a bad day, 419 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:09,578 and I really thought something nice came out of this. 420 00:17:09,579 --> 00:17:11,313 But you're not nice. You're just another guy 421 00:17:11,314 --> 00:17:13,415 who will do anything to get a woman into bathroom. 422 00:17:13,416 --> 00:17:16,752 Just listen. A few years ago, I was in Vegas for a conference. 423 00:17:16,825 --> 00:17:19,746 I met... a magician's assistant. 424 00:17:20,108 --> 00:17:22,510 I didn't overthink it for once. We spent the night together. 425 00:17:22,511 --> 00:17:23,911 Ta-da! She's pregnant. 426 00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:25,125 I mean, what are the odds? 427 00:17:25,150 --> 00:17:27,151 Well, it depends on her age, 428 00:17:27,189 --> 00:17:30,024 time in cycle, and which pocket you keep your cell phone. 429 00:17:30,051 --> 00:17:31,715 It's roughly five to two. 430 00:17:31,716 --> 00:17:33,015 That's not helpful. 431 00:17:33,016 --> 00:17:34,549 Sit down, Colin. We're done. 432 00:17:34,550 --> 00:17:35,917 Can we please just discuss... 433 00:17:35,918 --> 00:17:37,385 Ladies and gentlemen, 434 00:17:37,386 --> 00:17:39,721 the captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign. 435 00:17:39,722 --> 00:17:41,089 Please return to your seats. 436 00:17:41,090 --> 00:17:42,590 The seat belt light isn't on. 437 00:17:43,826 --> 00:17:45,059 Right, but we're not experiencing any... 438 00:17:45,974 --> 00:17:48,149 Wow. That is a terrifying trick. 439 00:17:53,234 --> 00:17:55,435 And the thing that took my Muay Thai to the next level 440 00:17:55,436 --> 00:17:56,665 was when I realized... 441 00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:58,957 there are no levels. 442 00:18:01,262 --> 00:18:02,701 You want to fly the plane? 443 00:18:02,739 --> 00:18:03,839 Okay. 444 00:18:06,568 --> 00:18:07,659 What are you doing? 445 00:18:07,681 --> 00:18:08,881 Just taking a walk. 446 00:18:08,882 --> 00:18:10,617 Mm-hmm. And what's in your pocket? 447 00:18:10,618 --> 00:18:12,979 Is that... Oh. A sock? 448 00:18:13,187 --> 00:18:15,388 Were you gonna put a sock on the cockpit door? 449 00:18:15,389 --> 00:18:16,889 Yeah. I'm doing it for all of you. 450 00:18:16,890 --> 00:18:18,076 It's bad enough Alan has to watch. 451 00:18:18,077 --> 00:18:19,677 This is not okay. You cannot just go around 452 00:18:19,678 --> 00:18:21,045 putting socks wherever you want. 453 00:18:21,046 --> 00:18:22,713 Captain Steve, who flies international, 454 00:18:22,714 --> 00:18:24,882 says he has sex all the time with the passengers. 455 00:18:24,883 --> 00:18:26,851 How come I'm not allowed to do anything cool? 456 00:18:27,137 --> 00:18:29,405 How come I can't bond with some 21-year-old bros 457 00:18:29,406 --> 00:18:31,874 or officiate a wedding or make it with some EDM ho? 458 00:18:31,875 --> 00:18:34,143 Excuse me. I'm into house. 459 00:18:34,144 --> 00:18:36,812 And I cannot wait to hear all about that. 460 00:18:36,813 --> 00:18:38,681 You think this is how I pictured my life? 461 00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:40,583 I grew up wanting to be a fighter pilot, 462 00:18:40,584 --> 00:18:42,377 not flying the puddle jumper to Vegas. 463 00:18:42,402 --> 00:18:44,853 All I wanted to be was a hero. 464 00:18:45,618 --> 00:18:47,910 Now I'll just settle for one decent story. 465 00:18:47,935 --> 00:18:49,085 Please... 466 00:18:49,859 --> 00:18:51,749 don't cockpit block me. 467 00:18:57,567 --> 00:18:59,602 Ronnie, can I at least have my sock back? 468 00:18:59,603 --> 00:19:01,070 My foot's freezing. 469 00:19:06,542 --> 00:19:08,089 Hey, newlywed. 470 00:19:08,090 --> 00:19:10,170 Where's the wifey? I just wanted to say thanks. 471 00:19:10,171 --> 00:19:11,569 'Cause of her, I got a gift card. 472 00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:13,479 What are you talking about? 473 00:19:13,522 --> 00:19:15,923 Well, she came to my club and danced and said I referred her. 474 00:19:15,924 --> 00:19:17,692 To dance, you mean to strip? 475 00:19:17,693 --> 00:19:19,358 Well, yeah. You didn't see? 476 00:19:19,428 --> 00:19:22,463 No. Last time I saw Katie was Friday night. 477 00:19:22,464 --> 00:19:24,720 So the wedding did not happen? 478 00:19:25,534 --> 00:19:27,111 No. Okay? 479 00:19:27,436 --> 00:19:29,079 When we got to the hotel, 480 00:19:29,125 --> 00:19:31,243 she decided that I've been holding her back. 481 00:19:31,273 --> 00:19:33,775 So, she broke it off and stayed in Vegas. 482 00:19:34,130 --> 00:19:36,307 That's the story. You happy now? 483 00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:40,136 No, I lost "Girl stays in Vegas" six to one. 484 00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:41,546 You're a winner, Gary! 485 00:19:41,571 --> 00:19:44,391 Wait, you bet on my marriage falling apart? 486 00:19:45,704 --> 00:19:46,703 Eh... 487 00:19:46,705 --> 00:19:48,295 What is wrong with you people?! 488 00:19:49,007 --> 00:19:52,023 Before she got on this plane, she was just a normal girl. 489 00:19:52,210 --> 00:19:54,712 Two hours with all of you, and suddenly she's leaving me 490 00:19:54,713 --> 00:19:56,825 to go take her clothes off for a Saudi prince. 491 00:19:56,949 --> 00:19:59,450 Oh, you guys met Raja. No, he's not a Saudi prince. 492 00:19:59,451 --> 00:20:01,213 He's just a Mexican with a pet falcon. 493 00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:02,413 What's going on? 494 00:20:03,021 --> 00:20:05,266 This plane is full of monsters. 495 00:20:05,657 --> 00:20:09,026 Okay. You're not wrong, but the best thing you can do right now 496 00:20:09,027 --> 00:20:11,796 is just take a deep breath and relax. 497 00:20:11,797 --> 00:20:13,494 Oh, now you want to get involved? 498 00:20:13,555 --> 00:20:16,368 You're not too busy having sex in the bathroom with that guy? 499 00:20:18,836 --> 00:20:20,337 Yeah, everybody knows about that. 500 00:20:20,338 --> 00:20:21,838 Wait, you had sex with her? 501 00:20:21,839 --> 00:20:23,631 No, we did not have sex. 502 00:20:23,774 --> 00:20:25,775 It was just a bit of over-the-trouser stuff. 503 00:20:25,776 --> 00:20:27,405 Trousers. Told you. 504 00:20:27,431 --> 00:20:30,433 But, frankly, even if we did, it's none of your business. 505 00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:33,449 - We've been separated a year. - You're separated? 506 00:20:33,450 --> 00:20:35,651 Yes. That's what I was trying to tell you before... 507 00:20:35,652 --> 00:20:37,219 Oh, my God! Who cares?! 508 00:20:37,220 --> 00:20:40,356 Okay, just calm down. Let me get you a nice warm beer. 509 00:20:40,357 --> 00:20:43,025 Do not come near me, or I swear I will go 510 00:20:43,026 --> 00:20:45,361 Passenger 57 all over this place. 511 00:20:45,362 --> 00:20:47,196 You leave Wesley Snipes out of this. 512 00:20:47,197 --> 00:20:48,697 You people are the villains, 513 00:20:48,698 --> 00:20:50,781 and you know what happens to the villains? 514 00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:53,234 They go down. 515 00:20:53,336 --> 00:20:55,107 Yeah, that's right. 516 00:20:55,472 --> 00:20:57,006 I'll take out this whole plane. 517 00:20:57,007 --> 00:20:58,707 They'll call me a hero. 518 00:20:58,708 --> 00:21:00,976 They will throw parades in my honor! 519 00:21:00,977 --> 00:21:02,778 Muay Thai! 520 00:21:05,282 --> 00:21:06,450 Ooh. 521 00:21:08,652 --> 00:21:09,652 Okay. 522 00:21:09,653 --> 00:21:11,187 Too far. I get it. 523 00:21:11,188 --> 00:21:12,455 That was too far. 524 00:21:12,456 --> 00:21:14,255 Consider yourself grounded. 525 00:21:20,579 --> 00:21:22,211 This is a pretty good story. 526 00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:25,885 Making love in the cockpit would've been a better one. 527 00:21:29,453 --> 00:21:31,287 Oh, good luck, my friend. 528 00:21:31,288 --> 00:21:33,990 We're all betting you're out on good behavior, 529 00:21:33,991 --> 00:21:36,761 so be nice, but don't be bitch! 530 00:21:38,429 --> 00:21:39,573 May I? 531 00:21:40,458 --> 00:21:41,684 Where's your wife? 532 00:21:41,685 --> 00:21:43,567 Ah, I got her a ticket back to Vegas. 533 00:21:43,907 --> 00:21:46,675 She wanted to come to L. A. to work things out. 534 00:21:46,956 --> 00:21:49,064 My instinct was to say no, but, um... 535 00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:50,959 You overthought it? 536 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,346 - Yes, I did. - Mm. 537 00:21:54,297 --> 00:21:56,606 So, where do you suppose this leaves me and you? 538 00:21:57,603 --> 00:21:58,865 I don't know. 539 00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:00,175 Okay. 540 00:22:00,369 --> 00:22:02,158 I'll have to think about it. 541 00:22:03,773 --> 00:22:05,974 And I would say don't overthink it... 542 00:22:06,896 --> 00:22:08,459 ...'cause I kind of like your impulsiveness. 543 00:22:08,484 --> 00:22:10,200 I kind of like your NPR tote bag. 544 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,452 Aw, that's so sad. 545 00:22:12,453 --> 00:22:14,654 I really thought they were gonna end up in another bathroom. 546 00:22:14,655 --> 00:22:15,788 What the hell? 547 00:22:15,789 --> 00:22:17,356 Yeah, I've got a black light 548 00:22:17,357 --> 00:22:19,544 and a little dance floor in my apartment. 549 00:22:19,860 --> 00:22:21,027 Bye, guys. 550 00:22:21,028 --> 00:22:22,361 Is that my sock? 551 00:22:23,439 --> 00:22:24,734 Alan! 552 00:22:24,965 --> 00:22:26,522 Give me back my sock! 553 00:22:27,134 --> 00:22:28,236 Alan!