Thank you all for coming.
Your father and I have some big news
that we thought you should hear in person.
Right, yeah. Can we just take a second
and discuss Christopher's teeth?
Oh, you noticed those.
Courtesy of the great state of Connecticut.
They're really nice, Dad.
Uh-huh.
- Let's get back on track. - Yes.
Um, Christopher, would you like to start?
No, you go ahead.
I really think you should tell them.
Wait, are you guys having another baby?
Oh. Ew. No. No, just...
We're getting a divorce.
- What?! - Okay.
- Why? - Ugh. Well, I mean,
not that you'd ever understand this,
but marriage is very difficult.
No, I mean why now?
You live in separate prisons. Seems like a lot of paperwork.
Mm, but we're a family. You're just gonna throw this all away?
Well, I'm afraid there's more news.
Is it bad? I can't handle more bad.
It's about you, Chip.
Oh, God. I don't feel so good.
Poodle, floor is yours.
Really? I have to give both pieces of news?
Well, considering the circumstances,
I think you should take this one.
Just frickin' lay it on me!
Fine.
Chip, um, we just thought
that you should know that your father...
is not your father.
What? Who's his real dad?
Some scumbag dick named Howard Buckley.
All right, look, the point is
this doesn't change anything, sweetie.
Are you serious?
- Kind of changes everything. - Okay.
Can we all just show a little sensitivity here, please?
Poor kid just found out he's a bastard.
How you doing, Chip? You okay?
Ch-Chip?
Hello?
Are you happy?
Damn. That is heavy.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, poor kid.
It was more bad news than his little tiny brain could handle.
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
Hey, pal. How you holding up?
Just filling my bastard glass with some bastard juice.
You know, maybe you should reach out to this Howard Buckley guy.
No way. I'm not talking to that home-wrecker.
Chip, when I was a little girl,
I told my father that I hated him
because he would not buy me a mango pop.
And the next day, he was murdered. By a bus.
Alba, what does this story
have to do with me in any way?
My dad didn't die.
I have an extra dad.
If anything, I have the opposite problem.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'll be in my bastard room doing bastard things.
- Yeah. - Mm.
Messy.
Your parents really let their screwed up relationship
bone the whole family, huh?
W-Well, yeah, but I mean,
you're not exactly an expert on healthy relationships.
Hey.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, come on, you and Jimmy
are the most dysfunctional couple I've ever seen.
You fight constantly, you're never affectionate.
You burned his ass off.
Yeah, those are, uh, th-those are ups and downs.
Every relationship has them, but...
You won't even call him your boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend, that's why.
He's my, he's my guy. Uh, look.
I don't want to explain it to you.
I don't need to explain it to you.
Because Jimmy and I understand each other, and we're fine.
Well, hon, it's been a while
since you two have been intimate.
Damn it, Alba!
You got to stop spying on us, okay.
I am not.
You guys mind your business, all right.
Jimmy and I are not the ones dragging everybody
through their messy divorce.
What's divorce?
Uh... Mick, you want to take this one?
Damn it.
Chip. W-What are you doing?
Nothing much.
- Just burning some lies. - Wha...?
You're burning your baseball glove?
I used to play catch with my dad all the time, but...
since I no longer have a dad, there's no point.
Ah...
Okay, oh. You need to see this.
I googled your real father and it turns out
he's a pretty decent guy.
You know, h-he's a widower,
and he just finished fourth in a 10k
to raise awareness for lymphoma.
I think you should know him.
You know, when my father was on his deathbed,
it took all the strength he had
to open his eyes, and-and he looked up at me,
- and he said, "I'm... - Damn! My dad's rich as balls!
He owns an outdoor recreation company,
and he's worth half a billy?
I'm back, baby!
Their headquarters are in Stamford; it's ten minutes away.
Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to take a look at the guy.
Okay. Let's go. I will drive.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Hey, Jimmy, listen, we need to talk...
What you doing?
Nothing. You know, I was just reading the news.
- Oh, you're reading the news... - Uh-huh.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. - Yeah.
What's going on in the news?
Well, uh, you know, I don't know, for starters:
- the whole world's going to hell. - Oh, yeah.
- You know, so there's that. - Yeah.
What?
Oh.
Yeah. You think I was...
- Yeah... - Yeah, well,
that's funny that you think that.
- But I wasn't. - Okay. Um... can I borrow your computer?
'Cause I got to check my e-mail.
No, I, see, I know what you're doing, okay?
Come on.
And just so you know, I don't use a computer to do that, so...
Right. Right.
Why would I use a computer when I can just
- think about you? - Oh, my God.
- No, that's true. I do. - Eh.
I think about you, all right? I do. Okay?
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.
Maybe sometimes there are other people there.
- Mm. - Well, I'm just saying, you know,
make my mind... it's like this gym.
- Eh, um, sorry, a gym? - Yeah.
And you're there. You're-you're running
around the track on the outside.
I mean, sure, yeah, there are other people there.
And they're-they're using the machines,
and maybe I check them out for a sec, you know?
Hmm, see what kind of exercises they're doing.
But sure enough, you always come running back around.
And then I'm looking at you.
And I'm in the middle.
Tugging on it?
No. I, uh, what... you're putting...
- What're you doing, all right? - Yeah.
'Cause you're coming in here like the NSA!
You're demanding my hard drive!
And now, you're sticking things in my mouth.
Why are you yelling at me?
Because I don't want you in here!
I didn't come in here to fight with you.
I actually came in 'cause I wanted to talk about us,
but I've... yeah, th-the mood has passed,
and I don't anymore, all right.
Enjoy... your, uh, the news.
Daddy?
Excuse me? Can I help you?
Uh, no.
Just, uh, got to use the restroom.
That's a pretty big fish.
Excuse me?
The picture of you out front. So cool.
Oh, the marlin. Right.
You an intern or something?
Uh, yeah, uh, I-I'm an intern.
I'm here working for free, so...
What are you, like, 14?
Uh, I'm exactly 14.
What are you, a frickin' psychic?
I got a daughter your age.
Wish someone could instill that work ethic in her.
Well, I'm big into ethics.
At school, they call me "Kid Ethics."
Right. Well, I'm done draining. See you around.
Uh-huh.
Didn't even wash his hands.
Such a badass.
So Mom and Dad still love us,
they just don't want to be married anymore?
Yeah, you got it. Nice job, bud.
Hey, uh, have you guys seen Mickey?
I need to talk to her.
Are you getting a divorce?
What? No.
Why would you ask me that?
Because I heard you fighting
and Sabrina said if you fight too much,
you're gonna get divorced.
You know what, Ben? With all due respect,
what Mickey and I have works for us,
and we don't need to explain ourselves to you,
or any other little kid.
Why are you fighting?
Because your aunt just walked in on me
in the middle of r-reading the news.
She caught you masturbating?
- Gross. - No.
What's that?
- Have fun with that one. - No, I don't want to.
Please tell me. I have to know.
What are the rules? Who's the master?
Can I be the master?
Teach me everything.
Mick, I'm sorry I...
Oh.
What the hell is going on?
- I'm masturbating. - And don't you dare
tell me that you were reading the news,
because we both know that's not true.
No, I just told you, I'm masturbating.
Aha! So you admit it?
Yes, I've admitted it multiple times,
and I was actually kind of ramping up to something,
so if we could circle back to this in a couple minutes...
I don't know who you are anymore, Mick.
You're being so weird about all of this.
It's not a big deal.
It's betrayal, is what it is.
I just walked in on you doing the exact same thing.
First, you didn't grow up like I did.
And guys do it because they're different.
- How? - I'm a man, and I need it.
You're a hypocrite, is what you are.
At least I'm not a cheater.
What's that?
Sorry, it's just really hard to hear you.
Shut the door.
That is not fair. You promised!
You're 14 years old.
- You're not going to a concert alone. - Okay, that makes sense.
I get punished because Lindsay got food poisoning?
God, you are such a spineless dick!
Urinal kid? What are you doing here?
- So sorry. Wrong office. I-I got to... - Wait.
Come here.
What are you up to tonight?
Me? Nothing.
I-I mean, like, I'm super busy.
I got a ton of stuff, but it can all move.
You want to take my daughter to a concert?
She's much nicer than that, I promise.
What do you say? My treat.
I don't know. I don't think that's such a good idea.
- R-Really. - Come on. You'd be doing me
a really big favor, son.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let me try to understand this.
So, instead of telling your dad that you are his son,
you asked your sister out on a date?
- Ugh. - No. He asked me.
Chip, listen, I know you haven't had much luck
with the ladies, but this is not the answer.
You're just jealous because my new sister's hotter than you.
Oh, you think I'm hot?
N... That's not what I said.
No, you said I'm hot, she's hotter,
- and we're both your sister, so... - Mm.
You Buckleys are pretty creepy, huh?
Shut up. At least we build companies and earn our money.
We don't inherit and steal like your jailbird dad.
Alba, let's go.
- Okay, let me just finish. - Alba!
I got to go!
Okay! Okay. Ugh.
Mmm. Ah.
Don't worry.
I will not let this night be tarnished by incest.
What's incest?
Okay. Ben?
How about this: tonight,
I'll answer all the questions you've got.
After that, never again. Deal?
Deal. Now, tell me all about incest.
Is it about bugs?
I wish, buddy.
What?
It's me. Can I come in?
Fine.
I'm opening the door, slowly.
Hey.
What's going on with us?
I don't know, man.
We've been in this rut for a while,
and then Sabrina and Alba start chirping in my ear.
Yeah, little Ben really spun me out, too.
- Did he? - Yeah.
You know what, who cares? Why are we listening to them?
- I don't know. - They don't get us.
No, they don't. Because what we have is different.
That's what I keep saying. It's different.
Yeah, it is.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Look, I can never unburn your ass.
I know that.
What do you say we start over?
Okay.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I'm Jimmy.
And if you're not doing anything later, I'd like to take you out.
I would like that.
What's... what's that?
It was a...
Yeah, it's like a weird, old-timey...
- You... - ...thing. I don't like it.
- Bad move. - Yeah. It's okay.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Stuff on the walls. - Man, when was the last time you
had a patty mel... What's up?
What... no, sorry. Um, what?
No, you were talking about walls?
Yeah, well, they got just an old hockey stick over there.
Looks like it's seen a lot of games.
- Yeah. I see it. - Yeah.
- Neat. - Right?
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
- So, uh, what's going on? - Hmm?
- What's new? - Mm...
Um, ooh! There was something I was gonna remember to tell you.
- Yeah? Like a dream you had? - Oh, no, it wasn't a dream.
- Oh, like, a YouTube video? - No.
- A show? You guys watching shows? - It's actually...
Thank you. It's not helpful when you talk, though.
- Okay. - Because... no, just with the...
- it's hard for me to think of it. - Right.
I can't remember.
- Well, they have a deep fryer... - Oh, they got croquet mallets.
It's... oh, another wall thing to look at?
Yeah.
- What's going on? - I don't know.
- This is weird, right? Why are we so off? - Yeah.
Maybe we should get some drinks.
- Of course we need drinks. - Yeah.
- What are we doing without drinks? - I don't know.
Hey, can we get a couple beers over here, please?
- Yeah, a couple shots, too. - Yeah,
and I'll take the wine list.
- Yeah, ooh. - Yeah, right?
Urinal kid, come on in.
Good to see you. Kelly will be right down.
Ah, tell her to take her time.
Happy to hang here with you.
Name's Chip, by the way, not "urinal kid."
Chip. Might want to change that
to a man's name when puberty hits.
Oh, yeah, totally. Hate my name, always have.
Even before just now.
I'm just messing with you. It's a fine name.
Ah! I'm just messing with you, back.
- What a fun exchange. - Come on, let's go.
Uh, you sure? No rush.
I'm happy to keep talking to Dad... y-your dad.
You guys have fun.
Back by midnight, okay?
I'm serious.
So, uh, who's playing tonight?
I frickin' love music.
Oh, no, we're not going to the concert.
This guy I like has a house to himself, and he invited me over.
So you can just drop me there or whatever.
- But, I-I promised your dad... - I don't care.
And if you say anything to my dad,
I will tell him you whipped it out.
Whoa, whoa! What? No, calm down.
Nobody's whipping anything out.
Driver, we need to change our drop-off.
Uh, yeah, but, sir,
uh, shouldn't you stick to the original plan for the evening?
Wait, w-why is our Uber driver talking to us?
Yeah, butt out, lady,
or I'll hit you with a frickin' one star.
Huh.
You did not see the Beatles in concert.
- I did. It was a secret show. - So stupid.
Oh, what... hey, can we get another round, please?
Why don't you just focus on this round for now?
- Oh, yeah? - Oh...
I smell a challenge.
- Is that what it was? - Yeah.
Oh, guess what?
Challenge accepted.
All right, that's it.
Time to close out.
Why?
What? Why?
You just puked in your glass.
No, I didn't.
I was just taking a break from finishing it.
I watched you.
Oh, I don't think I like your tone.
If the lady says she didn't vomit, she didn't vomit.
I'm just telling you what I saw.
Yeah, well, maybe you need to get your eyes checked,
because what I see is a nice, crisp beer.
- Dude, don't. - Jimmy, I really wouldn't.
Why? If I'm thirsty, why wouldn't I drink a beer?
I would...
That's good.
It was a little hoppy, but I think somebody
owes the lady an apology.
Ugh...
Whoa, whoa, hey, uh, whoa.
You come back again, and I'm calling the cops.
- Oh, ooh. - Would we want to come back?
Your bar smells like puke.
- He doesn't get us. - Nobody gets us.
Thanks for that, by the way.
- Oh, you like that, do you? - No, it was gross.
I don't like it. I don't want... ever want you to do it again.
But for a second there, you know,
when you were dressing that guy down?
I like that.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Well, what do you say we head back to the house and...
read the news?
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Why do we need a house?
It's almost midnight.
What the frick is going on in there?
Aw, Chip, come on, buddy.
I'm gonna go scope it out.
Hey, Jenna, what's up, babe?
No, I'm not busy.
Cool, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just give me a few minutes to,
uh, take out the trash.
See you soon, gorgeous.
- Hey, what took you so long? - Ah...
That was my mom. She's gonna be home pretty soon.
Oh. Okay.
- I'll call a car. - No, no, no.
I-I didn't mean... We can still, you know.
We just got to be quick.
Oh, okay.
Liar! He is a liar.
- He's a... - Who the hell are you?
What the hell are you doing in here?
That wasn't his mom on the phone.
It was Jenna. She's on her way now.
You're kicking me out for Jenna?
Ah, God.
Whatever. It's not like we're dating, anyways.
You said you liked me, you ass.
All right, if you're gonna be a bitch,
then you should just go.
Whoa. You want to disrespect me? Fine.
But you will not disrespect her,
and you will certainly not disrespect
Howard frickin' Buckley!
He didn't have to disrespect me like that.
Oh, forget that jerk.
Um, thank you for, uh, having my back.
You're sweet.
Yeah, I'll always have your back.
No matter what.
You shouldn't be wasting your time
on a creep like that anyways.
I mean, you're... you're pretty,
you're smart, super frickin' chill...
No, no, no. It's...
We can't. I-It's not...
it's not... it's not you.
- I just... I want... - Okay, okay. Hey, Chip. Chip.
Relax.
It'll be worth it.
I promise.
What the hell.
Chip! No!
- No, we can't. It's not right. - Okay, okay. Wh-What's wrong?
I-I got to tell you something, something crazy.
All right. What is it?
14 years ago,
my mom had an affair with your dad.
I am the bastard love child of that affair.
What are you talking about?
Kelly, I'm your brother.
- What? - Look, I know
- it sounds crazy... Aah! - No!
No, I... I don't know what you're talking about,
b-but you're psycho, and just stay away from me, weirdo!
- Ow! Ah, no, the pipes. - You all right? You okay?
You know what, how about this, how about this:
- you just put your head down, okay? - Okay. Ow!
- You okay? - Hold still.
- You hold still. - Ow!
- Whoa! - Hey!
- What's going on? - Hey, mind your own business, pal.
Hey, get off of her!
- Yeah, you like assaulting women? - No, no, no. No!
Oh! Oh!
Aah! Oh!
- Yeah, man! We got you. - Guys, stop! No! Oh!
No, no, wait, wait, wait! It was consensual!
- Son of a bitch! - Oh!
Chip!
At this point, no good can come from knowing this man!
I'm sorry, I'm so sor...
I can explain.
You whipped it out in front of my daughter?
- Whoa, what? No! - You're fired.
Well, I never... really worked there.
I was just kind of saying that...
- to meet you. - See? I told you.
- This kid is a freak! - Get the hell out of my house.
Pamela Pemberton.
- What? - 14 years ago, you...
you slept with a woman named Pamela Pemberton.
- Poodle? - Th-That's my mom.
I'm... your son.
Stay the hell away from me and my family.
Alba, you blew it!
- So, what did we learn? - That brothers and sisters
shouldn't kiss, because it's icky and gross.
And their babies would have all sorts of health problems.
Where do babies come from?
Huh. Kind of feels like
we should've covered that earlier.
Where do babies live before they're babies?
How old's the oldest baby?
It's gonna be really fun to see how you turn out.
- So he's your boyfriend? - He... no, I, see, he...
It's complicated.
So what happened was consensual?
Yes. It was my idea.
Do you need a place to stay tonight?
- We can take you to a shelter. - I don't want to go to a shel...
I will have you know I live in a mansion, okay?
It doesn't... Can you just please uncuff him?
Thank you.
Be a little smarter next time.
How did we get here?
Oh, I don't know.
I mean, I remember driving, but I don't know
- where I parked, so... - No. No, I mean,
I'm talking about our relationship.
It's just not healthy.
I know.
You know, we keep saying that...
nobody gets us, but...
maybe we don't get us.
We had a good run, Mick.
Yeah, we did.
Like the Patriots in the early 2000s.
Can we just sit and... enjoy the silence for a little bit?
You got it, Mick.
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