1
00:00:00,227 --> 00:00:03,863
? It seems today that all you see ?

2
00:00:03,864 --> 00:00:07,166
? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?

3
00:00:07,167 --> 00:00:10,736
? But where are those good
old-fashioned values ?

4
00:00:10,737 --> 00:00:13,739
? On which we used to rely? ?

5
00:00:13,740 --> 00:00:17,243
? Lucky there's a family guy ?

6
00:00:17,244 --> 00:00:20,713
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

7
00:00:20,714 --> 00:00:22,348
? All the things that make us ?

8
00:00:22,349 --> 00:00:23,983
? Laugh and cry ?

9
00:00:23,984 --> 00:00:28,445
? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ?

10
00:00:28,446 --> 00:00:34,385
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com

11
00:00:34,894 --> 00:00:36,262
All right, everyone.

12
00:00:36,263 --> 00:00:38,264
Because today is Christmas Eve...

13
00:00:38,265 --> 00:00:40,399
(OVER STEREO): ? School's out... ?

14
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,335
- Not yet, Griffin.
- (MUSIC STOPS)

15
00:00:42,336 --> 00:00:44,370
I thought it might be a nice treat to...

16
00:00:44,371 --> 00:00:45,771
? School's out... ?

17
00:00:45,772 --> 00:00:47,106
- Griffin!
- (MUSIC STOPS)

18
00:00:47,107 --> 00:00:48,274
Thank you.

19
00:00:48,275 --> 00:00:50,576
To let everyone leave
a little bit earl...

20
00:00:50,577 --> 00:00:53,934
? School's out for ?

21
00:00:53,935 --> 00:00:55,781
- ? Summer. ?
- Christmas!

22
00:00:55,782 --> 00:00:58,551
Fine. Everybody have a nice holiday.

23
00:00:58,552 --> 00:00:59,885
(BLEEP), teach.

24
00:00:59,886 --> 00:01:02,822
? Out forever ?

25
00:01:02,823 --> 00:01:05,558
(CHEERING)

26
00:01:05,559 --> 00:01:06,726
? School's been... ?

27
00:01:06,727 --> 00:01:08,160
See you at the moon tower.

28
00:01:08,161 --> 00:01:09,462
You know it!

29
00:01:09,463 --> 00:01:11,464
Hey, Wooderson, see you
at the moon tower?

30
00:01:11,465 --> 00:01:14,300
Nah. I'm just gonna drive
around in my Lincoln.

31
00:01:14,301 --> 00:01:16,068
Weird people out.

32
00:01:16,069 --> 00:01:18,237
? ?

33
00:01:18,238 --> 00:01:22,575
WOODERSON: Bells on bobtail
ring, making spirits bright.

34
00:01:22,576 --> 00:01:25,460
Oh, what fun to laugh and sing

35
00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:28,081
a sleighing song tonight.

36
00:01:30,751 --> 00:01:33,085
Jingle bells. Jingle bells.

37
00:01:33,086 --> 00:01:34,920
Jingle all the way.

38
00:01:34,921 --> 00:01:37,189
Oh, what fun it is to ride

39
00:01:37,190 --> 00:01:39,492
in a Lincoln AKZ.

40
00:01:39,493 --> 00:01:41,327
ANNOUNCER: The Family
Guy Christmas Special,

41
00:01:41,328 --> 00:01:42,828
brought to you by Lincoln.

42
00:01:42,829 --> 00:01:45,022
Lincoln. What are we doing?

43
00:01:52,439 --> 00:01:54,407
Oh, I love this time of year.

44
00:01:54,408 --> 00:01:57,043
You know, Chris, you and
your stillborn twin Tmas

45
00:01:57,044 --> 00:01:59,045
were named after Christmas.

46
00:01:59,046 --> 00:02:01,847
I see the kids put their
gifts under the tree.

47
00:02:01,848 --> 00:02:04,216
Brian, I don't think you've
put yours there yet.

48
00:02:04,217 --> 00:02:06,552
Well, as we know, the true
spirit of the holiday

49
00:02:06,553 --> 00:02:08,054
is one of giving.

50
00:02:08,055 --> 00:02:10,523
So, I've signed all of us
up to volunteer tomorrow

51
00:02:10,524 --> 00:02:12,124
at a homeless shelter.

52
00:02:12,125 --> 00:02:13,986
That's your present.

53
00:02:13,987 --> 00:02:15,046
What?!

54
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:16,896
Last year, you wrote us a freaking poem,

55
00:02:16,897 --> 00:02:18,064
and now this?!

56
00:02:18,065 --> 00:02:20,132
I thought the poem was lovely.

57
00:02:20,133 --> 00:02:21,333
Now, hold on.

58
00:02:21,334 --> 00:02:24,136
I think that's actually a
wonderful idea, Brian.

59
00:02:24,137 --> 00:02:25,571
It'll be good for the kids.

60
00:02:25,572 --> 00:02:27,740
Nothing reminds you more of
what you have than watching

61
00:02:27,741 --> 00:02:30,543
a grown man poo right through
the split in his pants.

62
00:02:30,544 --> 00:02:33,220
Now, let's finish decorating
before your father gets home.

63
00:02:34,681 --> 00:02:37,183
Okay. I'll put the Kanye
Canes in the stockings.

64
00:02:37,184 --> 00:02:38,751
KANYE CANE: You know, it's just like,

65
00:02:38,752 --> 00:02:41,754
you know, music and fashion, all that...

66
00:02:41,755 --> 00:02:43,355
(MUFFLED): You know I can't be stopped.

67
00:02:43,356 --> 00:02:46,692
Whatever I do, you know, I just
want to be the best, because

68
00:02:46,693 --> 00:02:48,594
(MUFFLED): the best is never enough.

69
00:02:48,595 --> 00:02:50,062
Mark Zuckerberg promised

70
00:02:50,063 --> 00:02:53,099
he'd give me $50 million, fam, but then

71
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:54,667
(MUFFLED): he welched and I'm penniless.

72
00:02:54,668 --> 00:02:56,335
(RAPPING): ? Kanye is the greatest ?

73
00:02:56,336 --> 00:02:57,703
? Kanye drops the latest ?

74
00:02:57,704 --> 00:02:59,171
? There can be no debatest ?

75
00:02:59,172 --> 00:03:00,873
(MUFFLED): ? And Kanye got the status. ?

76
00:03:00,874 --> 00:03:02,775
ANNOUNCER: The Family
Guy Christmas Special,

77
00:03:02,776 --> 00:03:05,444
brought to you by
anthropomorphic candy canes.

78
00:03:05,445 --> 00:03:07,747
Family Guy. What are we doing?

79
00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:10,550
Dad's car is coming!

80
00:03:15,522 --> 00:03:16,889
He's coming fast.

81
00:03:16,890 --> 00:03:18,624
He can't wait to see us.

82
00:03:18,625 --> 00:03:20,560
PETER: Get out of the road, you idiots!

83
00:03:22,395 --> 00:03:24,396
And he's headed right to the bar.

84
00:03:24,397 --> 00:03:26,232
The Clam's on the other side of town.

85
00:03:26,233 --> 00:03:28,702
He went out of his way to do this.

86
00:03:33,073 --> 00:03:34,306
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to

87
00:03:34,307 --> 00:03:35,975
"'Twas the Night Before Christmas,"

88
00:03:35,976 --> 00:03:38,477
as read by Norm Macdonald.

89
00:03:38,478 --> 00:03:40,579
"'Twas the night before Christmas..."

90
00:03:40,580 --> 00:03:43,315
W-Wait, "'twas"? What's "'twas"?

91
00:03:43,316 --> 00:03:45,151
Is that short for "it was"?

92
00:03:45,152 --> 00:03:46,919
What kind of rush are you in, man,

93
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,854
you can't just say "it was"?

94
00:03:48,855 --> 00:03:51,257
Oh, you saved a lot
of time there, fella.

95
00:03:51,258 --> 00:03:54,093
Oh, don't come at me with
that "it was" stuff.

96
00:03:54,094 --> 00:03:55,528
I got things to do.

97
00:03:55,529 --> 00:03:57,263
Got to get down to the donut shop.

98
00:03:57,264 --> 00:04:00,533
You know, two days ago, I was
at the donut shop, and I said,

99
00:04:00,534 --> 00:04:03,335
"Hey, donut guy, you got
anything warm back there?"

100
00:04:03,336 --> 00:04:05,938
He says, "Try the fritters. They were."

101
00:04:05,939 --> 00:04:07,139
"They were"?

102
00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:09,308
What does that even mean, "they were"?

103
00:04:09,309 --> 00:04:11,377
You must mean "'twere"!

104
00:04:11,378 --> 00:04:13,712
The fritters "'twere" warm.

105
00:04:13,713 --> 00:04:15,995
What's that? We're out of time?

106
00:04:15,996 --> 00:04:17,108
Oh.

107
00:04:17,109 --> 00:04:18,284
I'm fired?

108
00:04:18,285 --> 00:04:19,985
Hey, you know, uh, O. J. Simpsn

109
00:04:19,986 --> 00:04:21,854
is a wife-beating murderer, right?

110
00:04:21,855 --> 00:04:23,389
Oh, right, was.

111
00:04:23,390 --> 00:04:24,723
'Twas!

112
00:04:24,724 --> 00:04:26,358
Well, I got to get home.

113
00:04:26,359 --> 00:04:29,461
Every year, we gather round
and play "O Holy Night"

114
00:04:29,462 --> 00:04:31,564
from our favorite holiday album,

115
00:04:31,565 --> 00:04:35,235
A Very Slow Christmas with Peabo Bryson.

116
00:04:39,472 --> 00:04:43,376
? O... ?

117
00:04:44,477 --> 00:04:46,479
(CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE)

118
00:04:56,156 --> 00:04:59,692
? Holy... ?

119
00:04:59,693 --> 00:05:01,360
Well, I suppose I better get out of here

120
00:05:01,361 --> 00:05:03,586
before that overenthusiastic
group of carolers

121
00:05:03,587 --> 00:05:05,186
makes their way in here.

122
00:05:05,187 --> 00:05:06,570
? Have you heard the story ?

123
00:05:06,571 --> 00:05:08,200
? That they're telling
'bout Bethlehem? ?

124
00:05:08,201 --> 00:05:10,537
? Have you heard the story
of the Jesus child? ?

125
00:05:10,538 --> 00:05:12,540
Aw, too late! Let's head out the back!

126
00:05:12,541 --> 00:05:15,630
? How he came from heaven and
was born in a manger bed ?

127
00:05:15,631 --> 00:05:17,800
- To the windows!
- ? Mary was his virgin mother ?

128
00:05:17,801 --> 00:05:19,136
? Pure and mild ?

129
00:05:19,137 --> 00:05:21,205
Oh, my God, they got Quagmire!

130
00:05:21,206 --> 00:05:24,042
? Sing hallelujah, sing hallelujah ?

131
00:05:24,043 --> 00:05:26,913
? Worship the Jesus child and
praise his mother mild. ?

132
00:05:29,853 --> 00:05:31,455
TV ANNOUNCER: Coming
this holiday season,

133
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:32,957
it's Star Blizzard!

134
00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:35,226
Using laser technology
to shower your home

135
00:05:35,227 --> 00:05:37,529
in a blizzard of dazzling lights!

136
00:05:37,530 --> 00:05:40,298
So much easier than
stringing Christmas lights.

137
00:05:40,299 --> 00:05:43,568
I can light up my whole house
for just pennies a day.

138
00:05:43,569 --> 00:05:46,071
I looked into it, and now I'm blind.

139
00:05:46,072 --> 00:05:47,839
Honey, the house looks great!

140
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:48,973
Who's there?

141
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,708
Hey, Frank, could you turn that off?

142
00:05:50,709 --> 00:05:51,976
My cat's freaking out.

143
00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:53,211
Who's that now?

144
00:05:53,212 --> 00:05:55,580
I don't know voices yet, I'm new-blind.

145
00:05:55,581 --> 00:05:56,674
TV ANNOUNCER: Star Blizzard.

146
00:05:56,675 --> 00:05:59,318
Happy holidays, and just
don't look into it.

147
00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:01,853
Oh, Peter, you're finally home.

148
00:06:01,854 --> 00:06:04,255
Yup, just in time to
watch Patrick Swayze's

149
00:06:04,256 --> 00:06:05,757
Christmas in Wonderland.

150
00:06:05,758 --> 00:06:07,025
Well, before you sit down,

151
00:06:07,026 --> 00:06:08,860
I just need you to do a couple things.

152
00:06:08,861 --> 00:06:10,528
Okay, first, I need you to take down

153
00:06:10,529 --> 00:06:11,863
last year's Christmas lights

154
00:06:11,864 --> 00:06:13,816
and put up this year's Christmas lights.

155
00:06:13,817 --> 00:06:16,034
Then I need you to get the
eggnog cups out of the attic

156
00:06:16,035 --> 00:06:17,802
and bump your head on a low eave.

157
00:06:17,803 --> 00:06:20,138
After that, take my
cousins to the airport

158
00:06:20,139 --> 00:06:21,539
and pick up my other cousins

159
00:06:21,540 --> 00:06:23,608
at a different, farther away airport.

160
00:06:23,609 --> 00:06:25,543
Then shovel and salt the walk.

161
00:06:25,544 --> 00:06:27,512
Then shovel and salt the driveway.

162
00:06:27,513 --> 00:06:29,981
Then shovel and salt Mrs.
Whitaker's driveway.

163
00:06:29,982 --> 00:06:32,050
She's 96 and has no one to help her.

164
00:06:32,051 --> 00:06:34,719
We need four netted bags
of cinnamon pinecones.

165
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,889
Get the bags at Hobby Lobby
and the pinecones at Pier 1.

166
00:06:37,890 --> 00:06:40,959
Next, inflate the giant snowman
and put it on our front lawn.

167
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,361
The pump's broken, so you'll
have to do it by mouth.

168
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,664
Then it's just laundry,
take out the trash,

169
00:06:45,665 --> 00:06:47,502
and move the house a
little bit to the left.

170
00:06:47,887 --> 00:06:50,156
Ugh. Can I do some of that tomorrow?

171
00:06:50,157 --> 00:06:52,493
No, because tomorrow we're
going down to volunteer

172
00:06:52,494 --> 00:06:54,863
- at the homeless shelter.
- What time will you be back?

173
00:06:54,864 --> 00:06:56,065
You're coming with us.

174
00:06:56,066 --> 00:06:58,402
What? What does that have
to do with Christmas?

175
00:06:58,403 --> 00:07:00,404
Peter, it's a holiday of giving back.

176
00:07:00,405 --> 00:07:01,772
Yeah, but bums?

177
00:07:01,773 --> 00:07:04,241
What kind of presents would
they possibly have for us?

178
00:07:04,242 --> 00:07:06,343
Bags full of bags full of bags?

179
00:07:06,344 --> 00:07:07,844
You know what, Peter, I've had it.

180
00:07:07,845 --> 00:07:09,513
I'm tired of your selfishness.

181
00:07:09,514 --> 00:07:11,581
It's setting a bad example
for our children.

182
00:07:11,582 --> 00:07:13,150
Kids, get your coats!

183
00:07:13,151 --> 00:07:15,419
Oh, is this it? Is this the divorce?!

184
00:07:15,420 --> 00:07:17,421
Coats? Where are you guys going?

185
00:07:17,422 --> 00:07:19,823
Every year, my parents
invite us to their house

186
00:07:19,824 --> 00:07:21,425
to enjoy Christmas in Newport.

187
00:07:21,426 --> 00:07:24,194
And every year, we don't go
because you don't want to.

188
00:07:24,195 --> 00:07:27,264
Well, this year, I am going and
the kids are coming with me.

189
00:07:27,265 --> 00:07:28,598
Go ahead!

190
00:07:28,599 --> 00:07:30,100
I'm fine by myself!

191
00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:32,035
I'll just watch my Patrick Swayze movie

192
00:07:32,036 --> 00:07:33,838
and take a too-full bath.

193
00:07:36,608 --> 00:07:38,943
Aw, now I want to be on that side.

194
00:07:40,645 --> 00:07:42,179
Well, that didn't work.

195
00:07:42,180 --> 00:07:44,114
Now to take a slidey-toilet-seat,

196
00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:45,850
soaking wet dump.

197
00:07:51,489 --> 00:07:53,724
Merry Christmas, kids.

198
00:07:53,725 --> 00:07:56,360
Merry Christmas in Wonderland!

199
00:07:56,361 --> 00:07:58,128
Aha, ha!

200
00:07:58,129 --> 00:08:00,064
I love you, Patrick Swayze.

201
00:08:02,734 --> 00:08:04,736
(SNORING)

202
00:08:06,738 --> 00:08:08,740
? ?

203
00:08:13,177 --> 00:08:15,112
(ECHOING): Peter.

204
00:08:15,113 --> 00:08:17,657
Peter Griffin!

205
00:08:19,180 --> 00:08:20,517
Hello?

206
00:08:20,518 --> 00:08:21,686
Santa?

207
00:08:23,187 --> 00:08:24,688
Santa? (CHUCKLES)

208
00:08:24,689 --> 00:08:28,125
You think Santa could fit into
a pair of 22-inch-waist jeans?

209
00:08:28,126 --> 00:08:29,626
Patrick Swayze?

210
00:08:29,627 --> 00:08:31,795
How is that even possible? You're dead!

211
00:08:31,796 --> 00:08:33,330
Haven't you ever seen Ghost?

212
00:08:33,331 --> 00:08:34,631
Peter, you're in trouble.

213
00:08:34,632 --> 00:08:36,266
So, I've come back to help you

214
00:08:36,267 --> 00:08:38,335
recapture the true spirit of Christmas.

215
00:08:38,336 --> 00:08:39,370
(GASPS)

216
00:08:39,371 --> 00:08:41,239
- Ghost House.
- Road House.

217
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:42,951
- Ghost Road.
- House House.

218
00:08:42,952 --> 00:08:43,953
Road Ghost.

219
00:08:48,447 --> 00:08:50,566
The ghost of Patrick Swayze!

220
00:08:50,567 --> 00:08:51,625
I can't believe it!

221
00:08:51,626 --> 00:08:53,322
I just want to run through your hair

222
00:08:53,323 --> 00:08:55,625
like a dog bouncing in tall grass.

223
00:08:55,626 --> 00:08:56,993
Go ahead.

224
00:08:56,994 --> 00:09:00,496
(LAUGHING)

225
00:09:00,497 --> 00:09:01,875
Yay!

226
00:09:06,317 --> 00:09:07,652
That was awesome!

227
00:09:07,653 --> 00:09:08,888
Hey, where are we?

228
00:09:08,889 --> 00:09:10,924
Peter, you've lost
your Christmas spirit,

229
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:14,695
so I'm taking you on a journey
to "Christmas Past" to find it.

230
00:09:14,696 --> 00:09:16,029
Oh, wow.

231
00:09:16,030 --> 00:09:18,865
Th-This is my old house from
when I was a little kid.

232
00:09:18,866 --> 00:09:20,200
That's right, Peter.

233
00:09:20,201 --> 00:09:24,204
I've taken you all the way
back to the year 1970/80/90.

234
00:09:24,205 --> 00:09:26,106
I'll never forget that year,

235
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,076
when President Richard Reagan Clinton

236
00:09:28,077 --> 00:09:29,853
lied to the American people.

237
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:33,580
Hey, hey, that's me!

238
00:09:33,581 --> 00:09:35,282
Look how skinny I am.

239
00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,584
Yay! It's Christmas!

240
00:09:37,585 --> 00:09:41,288
And I made your favorite, peanut
butter chocolate chip cookies.

241
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:43,090
Wow, these are all for me?!

242
00:09:43,091 --> 00:09:44,257
Of course, Petey.

243
00:09:44,258 --> 00:09:46,960
It's Christmas, everything's for you.

244
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,196
Yay! Cookies at 7:00 a.m.!

245
00:09:49,197 --> 00:09:50,731
Thank you, careless parent!

246
00:09:50,732 --> 00:09:52,399
I'm gonna eat 'em and hum!

247
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,902
(HUMMING "JINGLE BELLS")

248
00:09:55,903 --> 00:09:58,138
See? Look how happy I was.

249
00:09:58,139 --> 00:09:59,906
That's the Christmas spirit.

250
00:09:59,907 --> 00:10:01,808
I haven't felt that in years.

251
00:10:01,809 --> 00:10:03,977
Yeah, looks like your mom
really went out of her way

252
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,645
to make Christmas special for you.

253
00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:07,247
- She sure did.
- (DOOR OPENS)

254
00:10:07,248 --> 00:10:08,949
Oh, hey, look, there's my friend Holden!

255
00:10:08,950 --> 00:10:10,472
Merry Christmas, Peter!

256
00:10:10,952 --> 00:10:12,385
He could still talk then.

257
00:10:12,386 --> 00:10:13,954
I wonder what happened to him.

258
00:10:13,955 --> 00:10:15,989
I gotta go! I gotta go!

259
00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:19,494
Hold it in! Hold it in! Hold it in!

260
00:10:21,662 --> 00:10:24,331
(SLURRING): Hold it in! Hold it in!

261
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:25,966
Hold it in!

262
00:10:25,967 --> 00:10:28,935
Hold in! Hold in!

263
00:10:28,936 --> 00:10:30,470
Holden.

264
00:10:30,471 --> 00:10:32,272
You died before Game of Thrones,

265
00:10:32,273 --> 00:10:34,442
but a-a lot of people will like that.

266
00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:39,613
What is this? Are we still in the past?

267
00:10:39,614 --> 00:10:41,348
No, this is the present.

268
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:44,451
And I just want you to see
that not everyone in Quahog

269
00:10:44,452 --> 00:10:46,353
has lost the Christmas spirit.

270
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,354
Christmas!

271
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:48,622
- What's this?!
- Coal!

272
00:10:48,623 --> 00:10:49,656
- Why?!
- Bad!

273
00:10:49,657 --> 00:10:50,992
Aw!

274
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:55,996
Ho, ho, ho!

275
00:10:55,997 --> 00:10:59,399
(BABBLING INCOHERENTLY)

276
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,302
Thank you, Santa!

277
00:11:02,303 --> 00:11:04,037
Daddy, you missed Santa.

278
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,205
He was right here.

279
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:08,209
(BABBLING INCOHERENTLY)

280
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,713
? ?

281
00:11:22,623 --> 00:11:24,625
(SINGING INCOHERENTLY)

282
00:11:32,166 --> 00:11:35,903
? Night... ?

283
00:11:37,171 --> 00:11:39,173
(CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE)

284
00:11:41,809 --> 00:11:44,344
Wow, no wonder I don't see
Cleveland until New Year's.

285
00:11:44,345 --> 00:11:45,846
At least they're together.

286
00:11:45,847 --> 00:11:48,583
Well, I know one family that
isn't together for Christmas.

287
00:11:54,522 --> 00:11:56,656
That was a delicious meal, Daddy.

288
00:11:56,657 --> 00:11:59,192
You all laughed when I
suggested Boston Market.

289
00:11:59,193 --> 00:12:00,894
Well, who's laughing now?

290
00:12:00,895 --> 00:12:02,796
(LAUGHS)

291
00:12:02,797 --> 00:12:04,030
I guess I am.

292
00:12:04,031 --> 00:12:05,932
All right, everyone,
grab your hot ciders

293
00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:07,634
and gather around the speakerphone.

294
00:12:07,635 --> 00:12:11,072
It's time to call my
grandmother, Nana Pewterschmidt.

295
00:12:13,741 --> 00:12:16,743
(LINE RINGS)

296
00:12:16,744 --> 00:12:18,114
_

297
00:12:18,115 --> 00:12:19,989
_

298
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:21,733
_

299
00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:23,060
_

300
00:12:23,061 --> 00:12:25,652
_

301
00:12:25,653 --> 00:12:27,340
_

302
00:12:27,341 --> 00:12:28,607
_

303
00:12:28,608 --> 00:12:31,324
_

304
00:12:31,325 --> 00:12:32,492
What did she say?

305
00:12:32,493 --> 00:12:34,327
She wishes you a merry Christmas.

306
00:12:34,328 --> 00:12:35,829
That's not what she said.

307
00:12:35,830 --> 00:12:37,330
Time for figgy pudding!

308
00:12:37,331 --> 00:12:39,666
- Yay!
- (LAUGHS)

309
00:12:39,667 --> 00:12:41,668
Seems like they're having
a good time without you.

310
00:12:41,669 --> 00:12:43,169
Oh, they're just pretending to have fun.

311
00:12:43,170 --> 00:12:44,540
I'm sure they miss me.

312
00:12:44,541 --> 00:12:46,106
We should probably call Durd.

313
00:12:46,107 --> 00:12:47,741
You mean Dad?

314
00:12:47,742 --> 00:12:49,976
No, the fat guy who sleeps with Mom.

315
00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:51,728
You guys talking 'bout Durd?

316
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,581
More champagne, miss?

317
00:12:54,582 --> 00:12:56,683
(CHUCKLES): Miss? Oh, my!

318
00:12:56,684 --> 00:12:59,052
It's been a long time since
anybody's called me miss.

319
00:12:59,053 --> 00:13:01,688
(CHUCKLES): Wow! Merry Christmas, huh?

320
00:13:01,689 --> 00:13:04,124
Oh, Merry Chris-miss! Ha!

321
00:13:04,125 --> 00:13:05,592
(BOTH LAUGH)

322
00:13:05,593 --> 00:13:08,707
Oh, my God, she's doing
that flirty laugh she does.

323
00:13:08,708 --> 00:13:11,031
It's subtle, but when you've
been married as long as we have,

324
00:13:11,032 --> 00:13:12,465
you notice these things.

325
00:13:12,466 --> 00:13:15,068
(LAUGHS)

326
00:13:15,069 --> 00:13:16,636
You're very funny, Lance.

327
00:13:16,637 --> 00:13:18,638
You're a very handsome, funny man.

328
00:13:18,639 --> 00:13:20,206
Now, let's see that penis!

329
00:13:20,207 --> 00:13:22,242
Yeah, see, again, if you
read between the lines,

330
00:13:22,243 --> 00:13:23,410
she's flirting.

331
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:25,487
Why, this isn't a merry
Christmas at all.

332
00:13:25,488 --> 00:13:27,276
I don't like anything
you're showing me, Pat...

333
00:13:27,277 --> 00:13:28,677
Oh, my God, they got Joe.

334
00:13:28,678 --> 00:13:30,245
? Have you heard the story ?

335
00:13:30,246 --> 00:13:32,181
? That they're telling
'bout Bethlehem? ?

336
00:13:32,182 --> 00:13:34,551
? Have you heard the story
of the Jesus child? ?

337
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:44,423
You're not scaring me with
any of this, Patrick Swayze!

338
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:46,092
And no matter what you show me,

339
00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:48,527
there's no way my family
won't be right back here

340
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,529
spending Christmas with me tomorrow!

341
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:51,765
(THUNDER RUMBLES)

342
00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:57,837
- ? Oh, my love. ?
- Wha... Wh-Wh...

343
00:13:57,838 --> 00:13:59,071
What's happening?

344
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,474
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

345
00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:03,375
I'm shaping your future.

346
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,911
And you will see...

347
00:14:05,912 --> 00:14:10,416
Oops. That's what happens when
I talk while I'm doing this.

348
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,752
Is this how Jonah Hill was made?

349
00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:17,756
I can't believe our buddy's dead.

350
00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:21,594
I know. And it's so sad, he
left his family with nothing.

351
00:14:21,595 --> 00:14:24,663
Yeah, Lois had to sell
her clothes to get by.

352
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:27,066
I mean, I love having
this underwear, I just...

353
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,101
I just don't love why I have it.

354
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:31,036
God, it's so sad.

355
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,272
Who's this poor Benjamin that just died?

356
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,074
Nobody ever said Benjamin.

357
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:36,509
Poor, dead Benjamin.

358
00:14:36,510 --> 00:14:38,010
All right, you're not getting it.

359
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,013
Let me just take you to your house.

360
00:14:45,855 --> 00:14:48,120
Boy, I love the holiday
season with my husband

361
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,523
who's right upstairs, just out of frame.

362
00:14:50,524 --> 00:14:51,690
Oh, am I coming down?

363
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:53,259
Oh, please tell me I lost the weight

364
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:54,627
and kept it off this time.

365
00:14:54,628 --> 00:14:56,395
Merry Christmas!

366
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,935
Who's that guy?

367
00:14:57,936 --> 00:15:00,007
That's Lois's new husband, Lance.

368
00:15:00,008 --> 00:15:01,233
Wow.

369
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,782
I finally had the guts to leave her.

370
00:15:03,783 --> 00:15:05,135
Good for you, Peter.

371
00:15:05,136 --> 00:15:06,639
What about the kids? How are they doing?

372
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,907
See for yourself.

373
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:10,743
All right, everybody,
I'm off to Colombia...

374
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,390
Chris got into Columbia?

375
00:15:12,391 --> 00:15:13,746
South America.

376
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,581
Where I will attempt to smuggle drugs

377
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,917
back into the country in my rectum.

378
00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:20,352
Aw, I knew there was some
kind of rug-pull coming.

379
00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:22,755
- And I'm off to Yale...
- The lock maker?

380
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:26,091
The lock maker, where I
have a minimum wage job.

381
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:28,260
All right, okay, yeah, I'm-I'm
getting ahead of these.

382
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,828
I'm going to Brown...

383
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:34,066
four boxes of Jimmy Dean pure
pork sausage for my breakfast.

384
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,735
Well, I'm proud all my kids
got into Ivy League puns,

385
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,238
but what happened to Brian?

386
00:15:41,575 --> 00:15:44,077
Hey, what's Brian doing out
here in the graveyard?

387
00:15:44,078 --> 00:15:45,851
He usually sleeps at the foot of my bed.

388
00:15:45,852 --> 00:15:47,155
He still does.

389
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,952
Oh, my God!

390
00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:55,387
I'm dead? But how?

391
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:59,058
You died from a fire started
by your MILF-On-A-Shelf.

392
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:01,150
Want to see some pictures
of my teenagers?

393
00:16:01,151 --> 00:16:02,162
No, Karen.

394
00:16:02,163 --> 00:16:03,869
Look, I haven't watered
my Christmas tree

395
00:16:03,870 --> 00:16:05,197
for a few weeks now, so could you watch

396
00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:06,699
your really long cigarette, please?

397
00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:09,001
Did I tell you I went to
the mall with my daughter

398
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,903
and an employee thought we were sisters?

399
00:16:10,904 --> 00:16:13,072
Yes, many times.

400
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:14,573
I don't understand.

401
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:16,997
Why didn't someone in my family save me?

402
00:16:16,998 --> 00:16:20,139
They went to Newport because
you wanted to be by yourself.

403
00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:21,199
Remember?

404
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,249
Looks like you got what you wanted.

405
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,628
Oh, my God, look, it's my ghost!

406
00:16:25,629 --> 00:16:26,788
Not exactly.

407
00:16:26,789 --> 00:16:28,563
Ugh, why do I smell so bad?

408
00:16:28,564 --> 00:16:31,133
- Because I'm a dog fart now.
- What? Why?

409
00:16:31,134 --> 00:16:33,568
Because that's what happens when
you lose your Christmas spirit.

410
00:16:33,569 --> 00:16:35,470
You spend all of eternity as a dog fart.

411
00:16:35,471 --> 00:16:38,073
- Was this in the book?
- Yes, it was an obscure chapter

412
00:16:38,074 --> 00:16:41,243
written during Dickens' opium
and spoiled lamb phase.

413
00:16:41,244 --> 00:16:42,511
But how do I...

414
00:16:42,512 --> 00:16:44,146
Where'd... where'd he go?

415
00:16:44,147 --> 00:16:46,481
Don't worry, Brian's a 13-year-old dog.

416
00:16:46,482 --> 00:16:48,483
- You're around a lot.
- (FARTS)

417
00:16:48,484 --> 00:16:51,253
Please, Peter, don't lose
your Christmas spirit.

418
00:16:51,254 --> 00:16:52,754
It's disgusting in there.

419
00:16:52,755 --> 00:16:55,590
- He eats garbage and his own poo.
- (FARTS)

420
00:16:55,591 --> 00:16:58,093
Please, Peter, don't lose
your Christmas spirit.

421
00:16:58,094 --> 00:17:00,328
- This is no life for a person.
- (FARTS)

422
00:17:00,329 --> 00:17:02,697
Please, Peter, he ate Lois's trash.

423
00:17:02,698 --> 00:17:04,866
- There's tampons in there!
- (FARTS)

424
00:17:04,867 --> 00:17:06,535
- Please, Peter.
- Keep your Christmas spirit.

425
00:17:06,536 --> 00:17:08,703
- Please, Peter.
- This is no life for a person.

426
00:17:08,704 --> 00:17:10,839
- Please, Peter.
- I'm the tampon one.

427
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,841
No! No!

428
00:17:12,842 --> 00:17:15,210
No!

429
00:17:15,211 --> 00:17:17,179
No, please, spirits, no.

430
00:17:17,180 --> 00:17:18,280
No!

431
00:17:18,281 --> 00:17:19,881
Wh-Where am I?

432
00:17:19,882 --> 00:17:21,190
What day is it?

433
00:17:22,385 --> 00:17:25,987
All the porn girls I follow on
Instagram have Santa hats on.

434
00:17:25,988 --> 00:17:27,389
It must be Christmas!

435
00:17:27,390 --> 00:17:29,891
Merry Christmas, P. O. V. Angie!

436
00:17:29,892 --> 00:17:32,160
Merry Christmas, triple-X underscore

437
00:17:32,161 --> 00:17:34,296
Tara Kink underscore triple-X!

438
00:17:34,297 --> 00:17:37,333
Merry Christmas to all the thirst traps!

439
00:17:43,406 --> 00:17:44,573
Thanks, Grandpa.

440
00:17:44,574 --> 00:17:47,142
This Christmas is
perfect, isn't it, Mom?

441
00:17:47,143 --> 00:17:48,910
Almost, Meg.

442
00:17:48,911 --> 00:17:50,078
Almost.

443
00:17:50,079 --> 00:17:51,513
Yeah, it is,

444
00:17:51,514 --> 00:17:54,416
except every time Grandpa
bends over to get a present,

445
00:17:54,417 --> 00:17:56,017
his robe opens up.

446
00:17:56,018 --> 00:17:58,820
Let's see, I think this is for Chris.

447
00:17:58,821 --> 00:18:00,856
Good God!

448
00:18:00,857 --> 00:18:03,525
Looks like two eggs in
an old handkerchief.

449
00:18:03,526 --> 00:18:06,027
Merry Christmas, everybody!

450
00:18:06,028 --> 00:18:07,413
- Peter!
- Durd!

451
00:18:07,414 --> 00:18:08,541
Dad!

452
00:18:08,542 --> 00:18:10,165
Oh, Peter, you did come.

453
00:18:10,166 --> 00:18:11,800
Yes, Lois, I'm here,

454
00:18:11,801 --> 00:18:13,928
all loaded up with Christmas spirit

455
00:18:13,929 --> 00:18:16,838
and a sack full of hastily
bought gifts from the CVS.

456
00:18:16,839 --> 00:18:19,608
For Chris, a special
People magazine look-back

457
00:18:19,609 --> 00:18:21,933
at Robin Williams, 'cause
he killed himself.

458
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,702
Wow, look how thick the cover is.

459
00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:26,537
It's almost like a real book!

460
00:18:26,538 --> 00:18:29,574
For Stewie, a two-dollar
Styrofoam cooler.

461
00:18:29,575 --> 00:18:31,843
Awesome! I can probably fit 16...

462
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,344
Oh, the top blew away.

463
00:18:33,345 --> 00:18:35,546
For Brian, a Rhode Island sweatshirt

464
00:18:35,547 --> 00:18:38,283
with both "Rhode" and
"Island" misspelled!

465
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:41,285
Wow, it hurts when I put it on!

466
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,287
And for my beloved wife,

467
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:46,724
a lawn chair that was 80%
off because it's winter.

468
00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:49,961
Oh, Peter, I can't wait
to drink outside in this.

469
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,965
And finally, for Meg, a clock
radio with an iPod jack

470
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:56,134
for the iPods they don't make anymore.

471
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,737
Dad, you've never bought
me anything before.

472
00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:01,572
Are you sure this is for me?

473
00:19:01,573 --> 00:19:03,241
Of course, Meg, sweetie.

474
00:19:03,242 --> 00:19:05,744
It's Christmas, everything is for you.

475
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,914
I love you, Peter.

476
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:12,984
I love you, too, Lois.

477
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,354
And, Patrick Swayze,
thanks for helping me find

478
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:17,234
the true spirit of Christmas.

479
00:19:17,235 --> 00:19:19,190
I wish there was some
way I could repay you.

480
00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:20,525
Who are you talking to?

481
00:19:20,526 --> 00:19:22,560
Well, actually, there's
one thing in heaven

482
00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:24,262
that Chris Farley won't do with me.

483
00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:26,597
I know exactly what
you're talking about.

484
00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:28,709
- Hit it!
- Hit what?

485
00:19:29,434 --> 00:19:32,437
("WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND"
BY LOVERBOY PLAYING)

486
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,375
? Everyone's watching ?

487
00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:41,212
? To see what you will do ?

488
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:45,216
? Everyone's looking at you ?

489
00:19:45,217 --> 00:19:47,618
? Oh ?

490
00:19:47,619 --> 00:19:51,623
? Everybody's working for the weekend ?

491
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,594
? Everybody wants a new... ?

492
00:19:56,595 --> 00:19:58,629
(MUSIC STOPS)

493
00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:00,231
(QUIETLY): ? Na-na-na-na-na-na ?

494
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:02,099
? For the weekend... ?

495
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:04,268
Mom, what's he doing?

496
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:05,536
I don't know, Chris.

497
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:07,071
Let-let's just keep opening presents.

498
00:20:07,072 --> 00:20:08,806
He'll tire himself out.

499
00:20:08,807 --> 00:20:09,807
Great idea.

500
00:20:09,808 --> 00:20:11,277
Here's one for Meg.

501
00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:14,612
And here's one for Stewie.

502
00:20:14,613 --> 00:20:16,914
And here's one for my
beautiful daughter.

503
00:20:16,915 --> 00:20:18,684
Sweetie, come help me with this.

504
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:22,221
(PETER GRUNTING QUIETLY)

505
00:20:24,489 --> 00:20:28,460
? Everybody's working for the weekend ?

506
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:34,633
? Everybody wants a new romance ?

507
00:20:36,561 --> 00:20:40,399
? Everybody's going off the deep end ?

508
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:44,141
_

509
00:20:44,142 --> 00:20:47,111
? Everybody needs a second chance ?

510
00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:52,003
- _
- ? You want a piece of my heart ?

511
00:20:52,004 --> 00:20:58,004
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com