1 00:00:14,734 --> 00:00:16,293 All right, car behind you! Car! Car! 2 00:00:16,319 --> 00:00:18,237 - Car. - Clear! All right, clear! 3 00:00:18,321 --> 00:00:19,488 - Clear. - Clear. 4 00:00:19,572 --> 00:00:21,699 - Car. Behind you. Car. - Car. Car. 5 00:00:21,724 --> 00:00:23,868 What the hell's going on out here? 6 00:00:23,951 --> 00:00:25,870 All right, clear, clear. The guys are having a race. 7 00:00:25,953 --> 00:00:26,996 - Clear. - Clear. 8 00:00:27,079 --> 00:00:29,206 - What kind of race? - To settle a dispute. They're beefing. 9 00:00:29,290 --> 00:00:31,542 - What's the beef? - About which one was the original, okay? 10 00:00:31,626 --> 00:00:33,127 The original what, Charlie? 11 00:00:33,210 --> 00:00:35,004 You guys are killing me with the questions. Okay, okay. 12 00:00:35,087 --> 00:00:38,132 They're beefing because they wore the same exact Rudolph sweater, all right? 13 00:00:38,215 --> 00:00:41,093 So, they're having a race to see whose idea it was to wear the sweater. 14 00:00:41,177 --> 00:00:44,388 The winner of the race wears the sweater for the Christmas card. Car! 15 00:00:44,472 --> 00:00:45,723 - What? - Oh, my God. 16 00:00:45,806 --> 00:00:47,516 You guys are doing the Christmas card without us? 17 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:49,101 Look, Dee, this is on a need-to-know basis, 18 00:00:49,185 --> 00:00:50,269 and you do not need to know. 19 00:00:50,353 --> 00:00:53,314 Yeah, look, we wanted a card with a little bit more physical prowess this year, 20 00:00:53,397 --> 00:00:54,815 that's why we're doing, like, jumping spin kicks. 21 00:00:54,899 --> 00:00:56,692 - Great. - You can't do a jumping spin kick, guys. 22 00:00:56,776 --> 00:00:57,943 Is that what the ladder's for? 23 00:00:58,027 --> 00:00:59,278 The ladder's none of your business, Frank. 24 00:00:59,362 --> 00:01:00,529 - Can you believe this? - Oh, no. 25 00:01:00,613 --> 00:01:01,906 - We should be on that card. - Yes. 26 00:01:01,989 --> 00:01:03,699 Dee, don't take it personally. It's not about you. 27 00:01:03,783 --> 00:01:05,409 You know who it's about? It's about Schmitty. 28 00:01:05,493 --> 00:01:07,119 Look at this guy. Here's him a couple years ago. 29 00:01:07,203 --> 00:01:08,537 "Wishing you a Maui Christmas!" 30 00:01:08,621 --> 00:01:09,747 - He's in Maui... - He's in Maui. 31 00:01:09,830 --> 00:01:12,416 ...where he's judging a Hawaiian Tropics bikini contest. 32 00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:14,251 {\an8}- Yeah. - All right. The next year, 33 00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:15,711 {\an8}- "Marry Christmas!" - He got married. 34 00:01:15,795 --> 00:01:17,630 {\an8}He's married to one of the models. The year after that... 35 00:01:18,435 --> 00:01:19,799 - ..."Season's Breedings!" - Breedings. 36 00:01:19,882 --> 00:01:22,301 She's bore him some sort of Hawaiian child. 37 00:01:22,385 --> 00:01:24,553 - Oh, wow. - The guy's just embarrassing us 38 00:01:24,637 --> 00:01:25,638 with these Christmas cards. 39 00:01:25,721 --> 00:01:27,473 That's why we gotta do the jumping spin kicks, guys. 40 00:01:27,556 --> 00:01:29,016 - I'm sorry, okay? - But we can-- 41 00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:30,893 And we can't take the picture until we do the race. 42 00:01:30,976 --> 00:01:33,771 - Yeah, but why don't you just do a trial? - A race is faster. 43 00:01:33,854 --> 00:01:36,148 - It-It's over in a matter of seconds. - No, this is so stupid. 44 00:01:36,232 --> 00:01:37,274 You guys are gonna get hurt. 45 00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:39,485 Shut up, Dee! You're stupid. You're on a need-to-know basis. 46 00:01:39,568 --> 00:01:42,988 - Shut your mouth! Stupid bird. - Guys, go now, now, now, now. All ready? 47 00:01:43,583 --> 00:01:44,750 On your mark. 48 00:01:45,498 --> 00:01:47,716 Get set. Go! 49 00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:50,678 _ 50 00:01:50,702 --> 00:01:56,702 credits 51 00:02:10,314 --> 00:02:11,816 All right, how's that feeling under there? 52 00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:12,984 - Yeah. Yeah. - Okay, okay. 53 00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:15,153 I'll stop moving it. But you gotta keep... 54 00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:16,946 - Dude, just breathe. - Okay. 55 00:02:17,029 --> 00:02:18,614 Okay? You got to keep it elevated. 56 00:02:18,698 --> 00:02:21,492 - This is all Mac's fault, dude. - Well, I mean, you guys were both racing. 57 00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:23,661 - I'm the original. You know, I-- - The original what? 58 00:02:23,745 --> 00:02:26,748 {\an8}- What are you talking about? - I create the IP, he-he-he copies it. 59 00:02:26,831 --> 00:02:29,792 - Right. The IP? - IP, dude. Intellectual property. Duh. 60 00:02:29,876 --> 00:02:32,086 - Right, yeah. - My ideas. He copies my ideas. 61 00:02:32,170 --> 00:02:34,756 {\an8}He copies my sweaters, the tearing of my most crucial ligaments. 62 00:02:34,839 --> 00:02:36,507 - But-- - Son of a bitch! 63 00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:37,967 You know, can you-- 64 00:02:38,051 --> 00:02:39,427 - Yeah. - He copied my bell. 65 00:02:39,510 --> 00:02:41,095 He copied the bell idea. That was my idea. 66 00:02:41,179 --> 00:02:43,097 I don't love the bell. Okay. 67 00:02:43,181 --> 00:02:44,182 He's going to town on that bell. 68 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,600 - Yeah, all right. - Go yell at him. 69 00:02:45,683 --> 00:02:47,477 - Hang on a second, man. - Can you yell at him? 70 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,229 Yo. Ay, ay. You can stop ringing. 71 00:02:50,313 --> 00:02:52,190 - I heard you. What's up? What's going on? - Hey, Hey. 72 00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:53,983 Is he in there taking credit for the bells? 73 00:02:54,067 --> 00:02:56,152 Because I'm the one that ordered these bells for Christmas, 74 00:02:56,235 --> 00:02:58,446 and I feel like these are my idea and I should get credit for it. 75 00:02:58,529 --> 00:03:00,073 Okay, yeah, cool. Credit to you. 76 00:03:00,156 --> 00:03:01,866 Is he... Is he wearing the Christmas sweater? 77 00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:03,951 'Cause I should be the one that's wearing the Christmas sweater. 78 00:03:04,035 --> 00:03:06,120 - Who cares about who's wearing it? - No, let's be real, dude. 79 00:03:06,204 --> 00:03:09,957 I'm the one that wanted to return to a more traditional model of Christmas, 80 00:03:10,041 --> 00:03:12,543 as I do with this country, and you know he doesn't care about that. 81 00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:13,795 Yeah, Got you. So, what's up? 82 00:03:13,878 --> 00:03:17,256 Um, I gotta pee really bad, so could you get him out of his room? 83 00:03:17,340 --> 00:03:18,466 Why? 84 00:03:18,549 --> 00:03:20,802 Well, because there's only one bathroom in the entire apartment 85 00:03:20,885 --> 00:03:22,386 and it happened to be in his room, so... 86 00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:24,055 Okay. Just close the door and go to the bathroom. 87 00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:25,681 I just don't want him to be able to hear me make. 88 00:03:25,765 --> 00:03:27,558 Uh, I'll have him plug his ears. 89 00:03:27,642 --> 00:03:30,019 Can you just get him out of the room 90 00:03:30,103 --> 00:03:32,355 - so I can pee? - Oh, my God. Damn it. Give me one second. 91 00:03:32,438 --> 00:03:34,190 - I mean, God! - Stay there. One sec. 92 00:03:34,732 --> 00:03:37,527 Hey, uh, Dennis, you got to clear out. Mac wants to use your bathroom. 93 00:03:37,610 --> 00:03:39,862 Oh. [chuckling] Does he now? Okay, well, 94 00:03:39,946 --> 00:03:42,615 why don't you tell Mac that I will no longer be sharing my IP 95 00:03:42,698 --> 00:03:45,368 or a place to pee pee. 96 00:03:45,451 --> 00:03:46,953 Say it like that, that was a good delivery. 97 00:03:47,036 --> 00:03:48,579 Dude, come on, where's he gonna piss? 98 00:03:48,663 --> 00:03:50,373 Oh, I'm sure he'll come up with something 99 00:03:50,456 --> 00:03:54,502 just like he comes up with all of his other original ideas. 100 00:03:54,585 --> 00:03:56,546 That was sarcasm. So you know what, label it, 101 00:03:56,629 --> 00:03:58,881 because it's best to label sarcasm after you use it. 102 00:03:58,965 --> 00:04:01,759 Can't you guys just, like, settle down and talk to a... 103 00:04:01,843 --> 00:04:03,886 No, no, no, no, no, no, stay off your knee. 104 00:04:03,970 --> 00:04:06,430 I'll talk to him. I'll-I'll label it. I'll... 105 00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:07,974 - I'm getting up. I'm coming to pee. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 106 00:04:08,057 --> 00:04:10,309 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't-Don't get up. Don't get up. Okay. 107 00:04:10,393 --> 00:04:13,896 Uh, he said you can't use his bathroom. Uh, or his intellectual property. 108 00:04:13,980 --> 00:04:15,815 Uh, he said, you'll come up with something 109 00:04:15,898 --> 00:04:18,442 just like you come up with all the original ideas around here. 110 00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:20,820 - That's... That's true. - Yeah. 111 00:04:21,404 --> 00:04:22,405 Was he being sarcastic? 112 00:04:22,488 --> 00:04:25,825 - Oh, yeah, he was being sarcastic. - Why didn't you label it? 113 00:04:25,908 --> 00:04:28,160 I forgot, dude. I didn't realize I was gonna have to-- 114 00:04:28,244 --> 00:04:31,164 I want you to remind him whose room it actually was when we first moved in. 115 00:04:31,247 --> 00:04:33,583 - It was your room? Was it? - But we switched. Yes. 116 00:04:33,666 --> 00:04:35,793 - Why'd you switch? - Because I wanted to be in the room 117 00:04:35,877 --> 00:04:38,045 with the thermostat because I run cold. 118 00:04:38,129 --> 00:04:39,714 He got the bathroom. You got the thermostat. 119 00:04:39,797 --> 00:04:41,716 But listen, I want you to say it exactly like this. 120 00:04:41,799 --> 00:04:43,134 - "Dennis..." - Dennis. 121 00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:45,094 - "...Mac said..." - He'll know it was you. We're the only... 122 00:04:45,178 --> 00:04:46,971 - Okay. - "...if you can't stand the heat, 123 00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:50,308 then don't go in the kitchen." And then do it with a wry smile. 124 00:04:51,851 --> 00:04:55,688 - Oh, 'cause it's sarcasm. - No, it's a... it's a full-blown joke. 125 00:04:55,771 --> 00:04:58,482 So, you say the joke and then you finish with the wry 126 00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:00,276 and the wry is the punctuation at the end. 127 00:05:00,359 --> 00:05:01,777 - And-- - Okay. "Dennis, Mac said, 128 00:05:01,861 --> 00:05:04,280 'If you can't take the heat, you gotta get out of the kitchen.'" 129 00:05:04,363 --> 00:05:06,240 - Something like that. - That's pretty good. Let's do that one. 130 00:05:06,324 --> 00:05:08,451 And saying that you said it and that it was a quip, 131 00:05:08,534 --> 00:05:10,536 - an aside will give him context for... - Yes. 132 00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:13,372 ...who's speaking in this apartment where there's only two people 133 00:05:13,456 --> 00:05:15,499 and one person who's communicating between them, but let's... 134 00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:16,959 - I'll get that all covered. - That's it. 135 00:05:17,043 --> 00:05:18,127 - That sounds great. - Thanks. 136 00:05:18,211 --> 00:05:20,588 Okay, so he said... Oh! Uh, sorry. 137 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,049 - Mac said... - Good. 138 00:05:23,132 --> 00:05:25,676 As if anyone else could possibly be saying this. 139 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,553 - You. - Yeah, but it's not me. 140 00:05:27,637 --> 00:05:30,348 I've been delivering mes... Okay. It's fine. Fine. Whatever. 141 00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:34,393 So, Mac said that this was originally his room, not yours. 142 00:05:34,477 --> 00:05:35,853 And then he said, uh, 143 00:05:35,937 --> 00:05:38,147 "If you cannot take the heat, don't go in the kitchen." 144 00:05:38,231 --> 00:05:40,775 Even though the expression, yeah, it's the opposite way around. 145 00:05:40,858 --> 00:05:42,860 So you're already in the kitchen and you're feeling the heat... 146 00:05:42,944 --> 00:05:44,654 It would make more sense if you were in the kitchen. 147 00:05:44,737 --> 00:05:45,947 Either way, he got that wrong. 148 00:05:46,030 --> 00:05:48,449 And then lastly, he said to do one of these, 149 00:05:48,532 --> 00:05:50,660 which is a wry smile that I'm supposed to give you. 150 00:05:50,743 --> 00:05:52,203 - Why would you label it? - I don't know. 151 00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:54,247 I don't know what I'm doing. Why would I do any of this? 152 00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:55,915 - You gotta know when to label things when... - Do I? 153 00:05:55,998 --> 00:05:57,875 Yeah, because if you do a joke, you have to explain it. 154 00:05:57,959 --> 00:05:59,460 - Oh, cool. - Otherwise, it's not as funny. 155 00:05:59,543 --> 00:06:02,588 - Okay. Sounds good. - Okay, well, how about this? 156 00:06:02,672 --> 00:06:05,633 Why don't you tell my wry little guy who runs so cold 157 00:06:05,716 --> 00:06:09,345 to go ahead and crank that heat up, and he can hold his piss forever. 158 00:06:09,428 --> 00:06:11,555 I'm sure he's tough enough to do that. 159 00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:14,392 Okay, and then what is that? Is that wry or is that sarcasm? 160 00:06:15,017 --> 00:06:16,602 I think I managed to pull off both. 161 00:06:16,686 --> 00:06:18,437 Oh! [quietly] Son of a bitch. 162 00:06:18,521 --> 00:06:23,150 Hey. All right, uh, he says, "No go on the bathroom ever again." 163 00:06:23,234 --> 00:06:25,319 He says, "I'm sure you're tough enough to hold it." 164 00:06:25,403 --> 00:06:26,821 And then he did something with his face 165 00:06:26,904 --> 00:06:29,073 and I have no idea what to label it or not label it. 166 00:06:29,573 --> 00:06:30,950 Fine, I'll hold it. 167 00:06:31,867 --> 00:06:35,496 - Charlie, crank up the heat. - Uh... 168 00:06:35,579 --> 00:06:38,374 Okay. And then do I do something with a smile or do I label this? 169 00:06:38,457 --> 00:06:41,836 - Just crank it up. - All right. How far am I going here? 170 00:06:41,919 --> 00:06:43,713 All the way. 171 00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:52,378 Ugh, I'm sick and tired of being on the bottom rung of the ladder around here. 172 00:06:52,461 --> 00:06:54,672 - Tell me about it. - Getting kicked out of the Christmas card? 173 00:06:54,755 --> 00:06:57,508 - Are you kidding me? - Jump spin kick. That's not even clever. 174 00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,802 You know what? I doubt that's even what they were gonna do, 175 00:06:59,885 --> 00:07:02,930 but I know that that ladder factored into the card in some way. 176 00:07:03,013 --> 00:07:05,599 But how? We gotta figure out how. 177 00:07:05,683 --> 00:07:08,936 Mm-hmm. I'll tell you how we're gonna do it. I saw a sticker on that ladder. 178 00:07:09,019 --> 00:07:11,731 It came from this hardware store. We're gonna figure out their idea. 179 00:07:11,814 --> 00:07:13,816 We're gonna rip it off and steal it as our own. 180 00:07:13,899 --> 00:07:14,984 Smart. 181 00:07:16,944 --> 00:07:18,821 Hi there. Excuse me. Can we ask you a couple of questions? 182 00:07:18,904 --> 00:07:21,741 A couple of guys come in here recently, medium height, average build? 183 00:07:21,824 --> 00:07:24,118 - Yeah, they bought a ladder. - Yeah, a ladder. 184 00:07:24,201 --> 00:07:25,578 Oh! 185 00:07:26,328 --> 00:07:29,874 Yeah, two guys buying a ladder. How could I forget? 186 00:07:32,084 --> 00:07:34,170 Is that sarcasm? I can't tell. 187 00:07:34,253 --> 00:07:36,046 Yeah, me neither. You gotta label it, pal. 188 00:07:36,130 --> 00:07:38,090 Yeah, look, we're looking for a couple of guys 189 00:07:38,174 --> 00:07:41,093 and we were not given a ton of information, you know? 190 00:07:41,177 --> 00:07:44,847 We're sort of at the bottom rung of our organization, much like yourself. 191 00:07:44,930 --> 00:07:46,348 - Yeah. - Like me? 192 00:07:46,432 --> 00:07:47,933 Cashier at a hardware store. 193 00:07:48,017 --> 00:07:50,060 This is my store. I own it. 194 00:07:50,144 --> 00:07:52,104 - You own this store? - Oh, no shit. 195 00:07:52,188 --> 00:07:54,190 - Wow. - Nice. 196 00:07:54,273 --> 00:07:56,776 Congratulations. That's quite an accomplishment. 197 00:07:56,859 --> 00:07:58,652 Hey, you know what? That, um, gives me an idea. 198 00:07:59,236 --> 00:08:00,404 You would then have the authority 199 00:08:00,488 --> 00:08:02,698 to let us pore through your security footage 200 00:08:02,782 --> 00:08:04,992 - so we can find the people... - 'Cause you're the owner. 201 00:08:05,075 --> 00:08:06,368 ...that we came in here looking for. 202 00:08:06,452 --> 00:08:08,746 Sure. Maybe you wanna look through my books, 203 00:08:08,829 --> 00:08:10,915 you know, and check inventory. 204 00:08:10,998 --> 00:08:12,249 Poke around in the safe. 205 00:08:13,209 --> 00:08:15,628 That's sarcasm, if I'm not being clear. 206 00:08:15,711 --> 00:08:17,087 Nice labeling, dickhead. 207 00:08:17,171 --> 00:08:19,215 - We got it 'cause you labeled it. - Yeah. 208 00:08:20,049 --> 00:08:22,551 Ugh. [stammers] Son of a bitch. 209 00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:25,179 Okay. Apparently, we're gonna have to create some sort of distraction. 210 00:08:25,262 --> 00:08:26,597 What would Mac and Dennis do? 211 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,516 Will you shut up about what Mac and Dennis would do, okay? 212 00:08:28,599 --> 00:08:31,185 We don't need them. We can come up with our own goddamn original idea. 213 00:08:31,268 --> 00:08:32,561 - Now follow me. - I'm following you. 214 00:08:33,229 --> 00:08:35,481 - There he is. There's our big guy. - Oh, God. 215 00:08:35,564 --> 00:08:37,233 - Hey, Cricket. - Come on. What do you want now, huh? 216 00:08:37,316 --> 00:08:38,526 Let me guess, you want something? 217 00:08:38,609 --> 00:08:40,820 Well, we... It's actually... It's something fun for you to do. 218 00:08:40,903 --> 00:08:42,655 - Oh, yeah? - We-We want you to come with us 219 00:08:42,738 --> 00:08:44,698 to a hardware store and create a diversion. 220 00:08:44,782 --> 00:08:45,908 Yeah, make a really big scene. 221 00:08:45,991 --> 00:08:48,661 Frank, Frank, Frank, I don't have to make a scene. 222 00:08:49,161 --> 00:08:50,996 I am the scene, baby. 223 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:52,748 I walk in any place of business, 224 00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:54,875 people are all over me like flies on crack. 225 00:08:54,959 --> 00:08:56,627 - Do flies like crack? - Well, you tell me, 226 00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:58,170 does a trick always pay full price? 227 00:08:58,254 --> 00:08:59,338 I have no idea. 228 00:08:59,421 --> 00:09:02,508 Well, that... that's a bad example because technically, 229 00:09:02,591 --> 00:09:05,511 I'm at the lower end of the transaction, if we wanna call it that. 230 00:09:05,594 --> 00:09:07,680 And, uh, you know, after everyone takes their cut, 231 00:09:07,763 --> 00:09:11,058 I'm, uh... Well, I'm basically paying in for the pleasure... [chuckling] ...you know? 232 00:09:11,142 --> 00:09:13,727 Which often, hey, don't get me wrong, is very pleasurable. 233 00:09:13,811 --> 00:09:16,105 If you don't enjoy it, they won't pay full price. 234 00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:18,149 - You know, that's-- - I never pay full price. Always haggle. 235 00:09:18,232 --> 00:09:20,317 - Who sets the price, 'cause I'm curious? - I'll tell you what. 236 00:09:20,401 --> 00:09:22,945 I'm glad we... I'm glad we got to the bottom of some these whoring tips. 237 00:09:23,028 --> 00:09:24,071 - Let's go. - Yeah? 238 00:09:24,155 --> 00:09:25,990 - Okay. Uh, compensation though. - Come on, Cricket. 239 00:09:26,073 --> 00:09:27,700 - Yeah. You'll get paid. - We gotta talk compensation. 240 00:09:27,783 --> 00:09:28,868 And no lemons this time. 241 00:09:34,505 --> 00:09:38,009 All right. Watch me work my magic. 242 00:09:40,470 --> 00:09:43,931 Yo, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You... You can't be in here. 243 00:09:44,015 --> 00:09:45,433 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm looking for a showerhead. 244 00:09:45,516 --> 00:09:47,768 - Yeah. We talked about... - Wow. It worked like a charm. 245 00:09:47,852 --> 00:09:49,854 - Let's move. - I'm remodeling, all right? 246 00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:51,981 I have... Own a duplex. I have a tenant. 247 00:09:52,064 --> 00:09:54,400 And I need-- I need like, uh... 248 00:09:54,484 --> 00:09:56,694 - Goddamn it. It's locked. - What would Mac and Dennis do? 249 00:09:56,777 --> 00:09:59,572 Stop saying that. Hang on a second. 250 00:09:59,655 --> 00:10:01,199 - Hmm. - I got an idea. 251 00:10:05,036 --> 00:10:07,330 - Ah! - Whoa! 252 00:10:07,413 --> 00:10:09,248 - Shit. Did you see that? - Nice... 253 00:10:09,332 --> 00:10:10,333 Yeah. 254 00:10:10,416 --> 00:10:12,502 They're not the only ones who know how to use a ladder. 255 00:10:14,545 --> 00:10:17,381 Ah! Maybe that was their card idea. 256 00:10:17,465 --> 00:10:18,633 Bashing a door down with a ladder? 257 00:10:18,716 --> 00:10:20,801 Yeah, with the Christmas sweaters and everything, 258 00:10:20,885 --> 00:10:22,512 wearing that and that in the card. 259 00:10:22,595 --> 00:10:23,679 Well, what would the card say? 260 00:10:23,763 --> 00:10:25,848 "We crash you a merry bash-mas?" 261 00:10:27,308 --> 00:10:29,310 I don't hate it, but I don't think that was their plan. 262 00:10:29,393 --> 00:10:32,313 Okay, let's scrub through this footage. It's gotta be on here somewhere. 263 00:10:32,396 --> 00:10:34,190 Hopefully, Cricket's keeping that guy busy. 264 00:10:34,273 --> 00:10:36,484 Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is 15. We said 20. 265 00:10:37,527 --> 00:10:39,070 Do you want the money or not? 266 00:10:39,570 --> 00:10:40,988 Okay, fine, good haggle. 267 00:10:41,072 --> 00:10:42,657 Don't treat it lightly... 268 00:10:42,740 --> 00:10:44,534 Okay, uh, now that we're all in the same room, 269 00:10:44,617 --> 00:10:46,244 - I'd like to just hash this thing out... - Pause. 270 00:10:46,327 --> 00:10:47,620 ...and... what? 271 00:10:47,703 --> 00:10:49,664 No talking during JAG. That is a rule. 272 00:10:49,747 --> 00:10:53,376 Another rule. You can have as many vocalizations as you want while paused, 273 00:10:53,459 --> 00:10:55,294 but no more than six per episode. 274 00:10:55,378 --> 00:10:57,421 Okay, why do you have all these rules? What is this? 275 00:10:57,505 --> 00:10:59,799 Because Mac was always commenting on the men's bodies. 276 00:10:59,882 --> 00:11:02,635 No, because Dennis was always commenting on women's physiques 277 00:11:02,718 --> 00:11:03,719 and what he would fix. 278 00:11:03,803 --> 00:11:05,972 Whatever. Either way, a system was devised. 279 00:11:06,055 --> 00:11:09,141 Yeah, a full comment counts as two vocalizations. 280 00:11:09,225 --> 00:11:11,852 Now you can laugh continuously, not excessively. 281 00:11:11,936 --> 00:11:13,187 If you're moved to tears, 282 00:11:13,271 --> 00:11:15,940 you gain an extra laugh or vocalization, so just FYI. 283 00:11:16,023 --> 00:11:18,401 - Moved to tears? What... What is this? - Charlie. 284 00:11:18,484 --> 00:11:20,778 - What are you talking about? - Charlie, Charlie. JAG is... 285 00:11:21,279 --> 00:11:23,864 - a nuanced military procedural... - No. 286 00:11:23,948 --> 00:11:26,993 ...combining the legal drama of A Few Good Men 287 00:11:27,076 --> 00:11:29,745 with the thrilling action of Top Gun. 288 00:11:30,329 --> 00:11:34,125 You can't just tune out whenever you want to. 289 00:11:34,208 --> 00:11:38,504 Goddamn, it's not NCIS where you could... 290 00:11:38,588 --> 00:11:41,674 NCIS wouldn't even exist without JAG. 291 00:11:41,757 --> 00:11:43,050 - Right? - JAG is the original. 292 00:11:43,134 --> 00:11:44,343 - Yeah. - Resume. 293 00:11:48,389 --> 00:11:51,142 Pause! You just laughed right after I laughed. 294 00:11:51,225 --> 00:11:54,520 - I laughed first. You heard that, right? - I laugh at that line every single time. 295 00:11:54,604 --> 00:11:57,273 Oh, you laugh at that line every single time? Every single time? 296 00:11:57,356 --> 00:11:59,275 Why don't you explain to us what's so funny about that line? 297 00:11:59,358 --> 00:12:01,694 Well, the captain just came at her aggressively, 298 00:12:01,777 --> 00:12:04,113 and I thought there was something funny about the double entendre. 299 00:12:04,196 --> 00:12:06,490 Okay, fine. That is what's funny about it. You're right. 300 00:12:06,574 --> 00:12:08,409 But I... You didn't even know what an entendre was 301 00:12:08,492 --> 00:12:10,244 until I explained to you what an entendre was. 302 00:12:10,328 --> 00:12:12,955 Why don't you rewind it and then see who laughs first? 303 00:12:13,039 --> 00:12:14,498 - Because I would laugh first. - It's just a laugh. 304 00:12:14,582 --> 00:12:16,459 - No, no. I'm gonna rewind it. - All right, fine. 305 00:12:16,542 --> 00:12:18,544 - I didn't even push play yet. - That's two vocalizations each. 306 00:12:18,628 --> 00:12:20,129 I'm counting it as two vocalizations each. 307 00:12:20,212 --> 00:12:22,840 No, no, no. Because laughter is not a vocalization. 308 00:12:22,923 --> 00:12:25,468 Yeah? Cool. All right, fine, resume, resume it. 309 00:12:25,551 --> 00:12:28,304 - Jesus, learn the rules the first time. - Goddamn it. Goddamn. 310 00:12:28,852 --> 00:12:29,748 Pause! 311 00:12:29,772 --> 00:12:31,724 What? What? Why? 312 00:12:32,558 --> 00:12:35,019 Bathroom break for those of us who have one. 313 00:12:35,102 --> 00:12:38,356 Getting a little bit cool and I think we should crank up the heat. 314 00:12:38,439 --> 00:12:41,442 Trial! We're having a trial. We're having a goddamn trial. 315 00:12:44,820 --> 00:12:46,739 Goddamn, we've gone through the whole week. 316 00:12:46,822 --> 00:12:48,407 What the hell? Where are they? 317 00:12:49,033 --> 00:12:50,534 - Who's that? - That's Cricket. 318 00:12:50,618 --> 00:12:52,745 - What's Cricket doing here? - Hey, buddy. No, no, no. 319 00:12:52,828 --> 00:12:54,955 - No, no. Hey, buddy. - I'll tell you exactly what he's doing. 320 00:12:55,039 --> 00:12:58,084 He's causing a distraction. Goddamn it. So, we didn't have an original idea. 321 00:12:58,167 --> 00:12:59,835 - ...ask you to leave again. - Yeah, I'm... 322 00:12:59,919 --> 00:13:01,712 - There they are. - There they are. There they are. 323 00:13:01,796 --> 00:13:04,173 - We were right. There's the ladder. - You know, any of this can... 324 00:13:04,256 --> 00:13:07,551 But they're also getting construction hats and coveralls. 325 00:13:07,635 --> 00:13:09,220 Why are they stealing all this stuff? 326 00:13:09,303 --> 00:13:12,181 No paper trail. Oh, they're no dummies. 327 00:13:12,264 --> 00:13:15,017 They knew I would go through their trash to find evidence. 328 00:13:15,101 --> 00:13:17,186 - Of course you would. - These guys are good. 329 00:13:18,187 --> 00:13:19,397 What the hell, Cricket? 330 00:13:19,897 --> 00:13:22,441 Why didn't you tell us you were helping Mac and Dennis steal stuff? 331 00:13:22,525 --> 00:13:25,403 Oh. That information was on a need-to-know basis. 332 00:13:25,486 --> 00:13:27,697 - I didn't think you needed to know. - Okay, well, we do. 333 00:13:27,780 --> 00:13:29,740 Yes, we do. What's the plan, Cricket? 334 00:13:29,824 --> 00:13:34,203 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down here, all right? Payment first. 335 00:13:34,286 --> 00:13:36,372 Huh? How about that? Payment first, bitch. 336 00:13:36,455 --> 00:13:37,748 All right, here. 337 00:13:38,541 --> 00:13:40,668 - One can of paint thinner. - Thank you. 338 00:13:40,751 --> 00:13:43,879 And in case you need to know, this is for getting high. 339 00:13:43,963 --> 00:13:45,881 That we didn't need to know because we already knew. 340 00:13:45,965 --> 00:13:47,758 Obviously. What's their plan? 341 00:13:47,842 --> 00:13:50,636 Two words. Taylor Swift. 342 00:13:58,102 --> 00:14:01,814 Order. Order. Okay, court is now in session. 343 00:14:01,897 --> 00:14:05,443 You'll each have a chance to present your evidence and make your case. 344 00:14:05,526 --> 00:14:08,946 Now, I think we can all agree that we're all very hot, 345 00:14:09,029 --> 00:14:10,739 okay, and our bladders are full. 346 00:14:10,823 --> 00:14:13,075 So let's keep vocalizations to a minimum. 347 00:14:13,742 --> 00:14:17,288 Laughs are allowed, but if sarcastic, will be labeled as such. 348 00:14:17,371 --> 00:14:18,372 Are we in agreement? 349 00:14:18,456 --> 00:14:19,457 - Aye. - Aye. 350 00:14:19,540 --> 00:14:22,585 Oh. Very good. Then I have selected Dennis to go first, 351 00:14:22,668 --> 00:14:25,588 only 'cause he's more in my eyeline. You're a little bit off to the side. 352 00:14:25,671 --> 00:14:28,007 - Dennis, you have the floor. Go. - Well... 353 00:14:29,008 --> 00:14:31,093 If JAG has taught us anything, 354 00:14:31,177 --> 00:14:35,097 it's that in order to argue your case, you must first establish the record, 355 00:14:35,181 --> 00:14:39,977 and I think you will find, Judge, that the record is crystal clear. 356 00:14:40,060 --> 00:14:41,812 Exhibit A. 357 00:14:42,730 --> 00:14:45,274 Our Christmas card 2021. 358 00:14:45,357 --> 00:14:48,194 As you can see here, I'm rocking some pretty sweet chaps 359 00:14:48,277 --> 00:14:51,322 and I'm also rocking some pretty sweet sideburns. 360 00:14:51,405 --> 00:14:54,200 Mac, however, has no sideburns. 361 00:14:54,992 --> 00:14:59,371 Until the next year when he copied me. 362 00:14:59,455 --> 00:15:05,252 {\an8}Boom! New card, new theme, same sideburns, different guy. 363 00:15:05,336 --> 00:15:08,797 He copied me. And then the next year, he copied my look. 364 00:15:09,298 --> 00:15:14,678 Observe. A lip bite, controlled, suggestive, a bit coy. 365 00:15:14,762 --> 00:15:16,263 {\an8}Mac's expression... 366 00:15:18,516 --> 00:15:19,725 all veneers. 367 00:15:19,808 --> 00:15:23,479 Until the next year, in one of our best cards ever. 368 00:15:24,146 --> 00:15:27,608 Boom. There it is right there, Judge, 369 00:15:27,691 --> 00:15:29,966 in plain sight, or should I say, 370 00:15:31,153 --> 00:15:32,279 in plain bite? 371 00:15:34,573 --> 00:15:36,992 - That was sarcasm, by the way. - Okay, yeah. You have to label it. 372 00:15:37,076 --> 00:15:39,036 - Again, you have to label it as sarcasm. - I did. I did. 373 00:15:39,119 --> 00:15:40,955 - But there's a little pause... - Too much of a pause. 374 00:15:41,038 --> 00:15:43,457 - ...and the pause doesn't help. - I would like to continue moving forward, 375 00:15:43,541 --> 00:15:45,334 - so that we don't lose the thread here. - Carry on. 376 00:15:45,417 --> 00:15:48,212 Okay. The next year, the man stole my IP. 377 00:15:48,295 --> 00:15:51,340 See, the idea for "Pimps and Ho Ho Ho's," that was my idea, 378 00:15:51,423 --> 00:15:54,009 but the next year's card, that was Mac's idea. 379 00:15:54,093 --> 00:15:57,012 "Ho, Ho, Hose." 380 00:15:57,096 --> 00:16:01,308 A blatant rip off of my idea and a blatant misuse of the pun. 381 00:16:01,392 --> 00:16:03,352 It is a misuse of the pun. It doesn't make much sense. 382 00:16:03,435 --> 00:16:06,313 So, as you can see, the record is consistent. 383 00:16:06,397 --> 00:16:09,233 The proof is clear. I innovate. 384 00:16:10,818 --> 00:16:12,319 Mac replicates. 385 00:16:12,403 --> 00:16:14,822 Well... ...very persuasive, Mr. Reynolds. 386 00:16:14,905 --> 00:16:17,825 - I think so too. - Now, Mr. McDonald, the floor is yours. 387 00:16:17,908 --> 00:16:19,952 I'd like to respond with the truth. 388 00:16:20,786 --> 00:16:23,330 And the same cards. The man even copies my evidence. 389 00:16:23,414 --> 00:16:26,333 Same evidence. Different story. 390 00:16:26,417 --> 00:16:30,671 Now witness, "The Good, The Bad, and The Jolly." Dennis... 391 00:16:31,255 --> 00:16:33,882 sideburns, but the following year? 392 00:16:35,259 --> 00:16:36,594 No sideburns. 393 00:16:36,677 --> 00:16:38,804 Wait, hold on. Objection. 394 00:16:38,887 --> 00:16:41,724 Uh, sideburns were not period in the roaring '20s. 395 00:16:41,807 --> 00:16:44,768 That's true. You know, the sideburns were not period in the roaring '20s. 396 00:16:44,852 --> 00:16:45,978 Uh, please explain the lip bite. 397 00:16:46,061 --> 00:16:47,688 I was covering up a cold sore 398 00:16:47,771 --> 00:16:50,316 that I got from playing basketball with an Ecuadorian man. 399 00:16:50,399 --> 00:16:54,028 Objection. There's no known evidence of, uh, herpes 400 00:16:54,111 --> 00:16:55,904 being transmitted through the playing of basketball. 401 00:16:55,988 --> 00:16:57,281 I agree, I'll allow that. 402 00:16:57,364 --> 00:17:02,161 I... received the cold sore meeting an Ecuadorian man 403 00:17:02,244 --> 00:17:04,413 - in an abandoned basketball court. - Oh... 404 00:17:04,496 --> 00:17:07,124 Okay. Well, that's a different story, Mr. McDonald. 405 00:17:07,207 --> 00:17:09,168 So, let's please keep our evidence truthful. 406 00:17:09,251 --> 00:17:13,213 Okay, it was 2:00 a.m. His name was Hector. 407 00:17:13,297 --> 00:17:14,632 He was covered in sores, 408 00:17:14,715 --> 00:17:16,175 - but it was worth it-- - Your Honor-- 409 00:17:16,258 --> 00:17:17,801 - Ha! - Ha! 410 00:17:17,885 --> 00:17:19,386 Gentlemen. 411 00:17:19,470 --> 00:17:22,139 - Why did you do that? It was open. - Yeah, and what are you wearing? 412 00:17:22,222 --> 00:17:23,474 Oh, why? Does it look familiar? 413 00:17:23,557 --> 00:17:25,976 We figured out what the ladder was all about. 414 00:17:26,060 --> 00:17:28,312 There's a Taylor Swift concert tonight. 415 00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:33,275 And you were gonna crash, bash, or climb your way in. 416 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:35,819 Yeah, there was never any spin kick planned. 417 00:17:35,903 --> 00:17:38,656 You were gonna get a signed picture with Taylor 418 00:17:38,739 --> 00:17:40,699 and write some sort of catchy slogan on it, 419 00:17:40,783 --> 00:17:43,744 - like, um... like-- - Taylor Christmas. 420 00:17:44,954 --> 00:17:47,539 Uh... Yeah, it's not very... it's not very catchy, 421 00:17:47,623 --> 00:17:50,459 but we hadn't gotten that far, but it doesn't matter, okay? 422 00:17:50,542 --> 00:17:52,920 'Cause we are gonna steal your idea. 423 00:17:53,003 --> 00:17:54,964 Goddamn, why is it so hot in here, you guys? 424 00:17:55,047 --> 00:17:57,925 - It's sweltering. - Yeah, well, hang on. Hang on a second. 425 00:17:58,801 --> 00:18:01,428 You guys were gonna do a Christmas card without me? 426 00:18:01,512 --> 00:18:04,306 - No. No. She's lying, dude. - No. No. Yeah. 427 00:18:04,390 --> 00:18:06,475 Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm lying? I got evidence. 428 00:18:06,558 --> 00:18:10,854 I got a case, and we're gonna lay it all out right here with a trial. 429 00:18:10,938 --> 00:18:13,774 No, no, no... Dee, we just had... we just had a trial. 430 00:18:13,857 --> 00:18:15,859 - I can't do another trial. - I can't hold it. I gotta pee. 431 00:18:15,943 --> 00:18:18,237 - I gotta turn down the heat! - Pau... Pause! 432 00:18:19,154 --> 00:18:21,615 - You guys are faking? - You copied my faking. 433 00:18:22,282 --> 00:18:25,411 No, I... I got the idea to fake from an episode of JAG. 434 00:18:25,494 --> 00:18:26,787 Guys, why would you do this? 435 00:18:27,579 --> 00:18:30,124 - I didn't wanna lose the race. - I didn't wanna lose the race. Oh. 436 00:18:30,207 --> 00:18:32,167 Guys, don't you see what's happening here, you know what I mean? 437 00:18:32,251 --> 00:18:34,461 All this need to, like, take credit for whose idea was what, 438 00:18:34,545 --> 00:18:36,171 and not filling each other in on our plans. 439 00:18:36,255 --> 00:18:38,215 It's putting us all at the bottom rung of the ladder. 440 00:18:38,298 --> 00:18:39,425 - Yeah. - You know? 441 00:18:39,508 --> 00:18:41,343 And you know who's at the top of the ladder looking down on us? 442 00:18:41,427 --> 00:18:42,970 - Jesus. - I knew you were gonna say that. 443 00:18:43,053 --> 00:18:45,639 No. It's Schmitty. It's Schmitty. He's looking down on us. 444 00:18:45,723 --> 00:18:48,475 But the point is that, like, Schmitty's always gonna be topping us 445 00:18:48,559 --> 00:18:51,145 when we're putting each other on a need-to-know basis, okay? 446 00:18:51,228 --> 00:18:54,273 So, can we just team up on this thing? You know, get together on this? 447 00:18:54,356 --> 00:18:55,566 Dennis, what was the plan with the ladder? 448 00:18:55,649 --> 00:18:59,153 All right, fine. Well, the first thing you guys need to know 449 00:18:59,236 --> 00:19:02,114 is that you don't climb the ladder, you carry it. 450 00:19:02,197 --> 00:19:03,532 - Wait, what do you mean? - Well... Okay. 451 00:19:03,615 --> 00:19:06,035 Mac and I came up with a theory together 452 00:19:06,118 --> 00:19:09,413 that two men carrying a ladder would be granted access anywhere. 453 00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:14,501 So, we decided to test that theory out at the Linc... 454 00:19:15,085 --> 00:19:16,086 at an Eagles game. 455 00:19:20,758 --> 00:19:22,634 At a Monster Truck Jam. 456 00:19:23,218 --> 00:19:25,971 Turns out there's something about two men carrying a ladder 457 00:19:26,055 --> 00:19:28,932 that just allows you access to anything. 458 00:19:29,016 --> 00:19:32,269 And it worked over and over and over again. 459 00:19:34,688 --> 00:19:37,316 They assume you're there to work, and they let you pass right through. 460 00:19:37,399 --> 00:19:40,527 Two men with a ladder can get in anywhere. 461 00:19:40,611 --> 00:19:41,945 So, that's what we're gonna do. 462 00:19:42,029 --> 00:19:44,114 We're gonna suit up, we're gonna grab our ladder, 463 00:19:44,198 --> 00:19:47,034 and we are gonna walk right into that Taylor Swift concert, 464 00:19:47,117 --> 00:19:49,286 and nobody is gonna stop us. 465 00:19:52,623 --> 00:19:53,707 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 466 00:19:54,374 --> 00:19:56,460 What are you people doing with this ladder? 467 00:20:00,881 --> 00:20:04,635 You know, two people carrying a ladder, that makes sense, 468 00:20:04,718 --> 00:20:07,638 but four men and a useless chick, that's suspicious. 469 00:20:07,721 --> 00:20:09,264 It doesn't make any sense, you know, 470 00:20:09,348 --> 00:20:11,683 and that's why everybody's on a-need-to-know basis. That is why. 471 00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:13,102 Whose idea was the ladder anyway? 472 00:20:13,185 --> 00:20:15,187 - Oh, that was actually my-- - Mine, of course. 473 00:20:15,270 --> 00:20:17,147 - Are you serious? - It was my idea. 474 00:20:17,231 --> 00:20:20,150 - It was so most definitely my idea. - Mac, are you kidding me with this? 475 00:20:20,234 --> 00:20:22,236 - It was... Oh! - Maybe we should have another trial. 476 00:20:22,319 --> 00:20:23,946 - I can do a race. - Well, let's go. Let's race. 477 00:20:24,029 --> 00:20:26,115 - What? Oh, my God. - Son of a bitch. 478 00:20:26,198 --> 00:20:28,659 Well, no point in racing, or trials, or any of that shit 479 00:20:28,742 --> 00:20:31,203 'cause we're not going to beat Schmitty's card this year. 480 00:20:31,286 --> 00:20:32,371 He got to the idea first. 481 00:20:32,454 --> 00:20:35,707 - He took a picture with Taylor? - No, even better. 482 00:20:36,416 --> 00:20:37,543 Oh. 483 00:20:37,626 --> 00:20:40,462 - That is... That's awesome. - There's no way you can beat that slogan. 484 00:20:40,546 --> 00:20:41,839 - Yeah. - Yeah. 485 00:20:41,922 --> 00:20:44,007 - That's as cool as it gets. - Look at that. 486 00:20:52,308 --> 00:20:59,308 credits