Ah, you're awake already.
I smuggled an alarm clock in.
We come as a pair now.
Poor Agnes is saddled with me.
I enjoy it.
Your deer's been back.
Oh, is that right?
You see the horse chestnut tree?
There are leaves missing at the bottom of it.
Then let's sit here all day,
wait until it comes back to us.
Wouldn't that be nice?
_
*CREDITS*
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It's been 48 hours since my last confession.
And how can I help?
Well, I have committed
four acts of blasphemy and five...
No, six of self-abasement.
Seven, maybe, actually.
You've...
You've had a busy time.
She just talks at me,
day after day.
Oh, "Brian's left his toenails all over the floor again.
"Brian's making a mess in the bathroom."
I'd love for my Alan to be making any of those messes.
But she doesn't even...
I find myself getting so frustrated with her.
I don't see how you can take any wrong from finding
your sister difficult.
It's just when I kill her that I'll be in trouble?
Yeah.
That, I believe, is frowned upon.
She's stronger, every day.
And she's using this new energy
to buzz around me.
That's good.
I uh, asked her along to these classes they do
at the GP as a sort of partner,
and she is taking it way too seriously.
She keeps getting me to practise this breathing stuff.
And, you?
Are you OK?
The confessional's definitely not supposed to be about my feelings.
Dad said that you'd visited him.
He didn't say it in a nice way
and I don't think what you said
made any difference, but that was kind of you.
It was a complicated discussion.
What did he say to you?
He set me a challenge,
which I didn't meet.
Can't say any more than that.
I'm sorry.
Do you think he's going to be OK?
Do you want him to be?
Yes.
I hope he will be.
Francesca said I was allowed to make it mine.
We had the opportunity to replant as we harvested, so...
So you made some changes in what you planted
and where you planted it.
Quite bold, wouldn't you say?
No, I...
I wasn't even half out the door.
Oh, don't! Don't.
Even as a joke. It's...
Come on. Show me the worst of it.
I'm planning on scallions in half the cabbage patch.
The other half will still have cabbages in.
Well, I like scallions, and to be honest,
no-one likes cabbages as much as me.
So that's a good idea.
And maybe more raspberries than strawberries in your polytunnel.
Scandalous!
I made a raspberry and rhubarb jam that people seemed to like.
Yes. I tried it - at breakfast.
It was delicious.
Was it me?
That made you go.
Sorry?
Was it how I behaved?
Were you disappointed? Or was it how the Abbess treated me?
- Were you disappointed in her? - No.
No, it wasn't you.
Never you.
It wasn't her, either.
Although she did annoy me.
Things are much better for me now - with her.
The Abbess is...
She likes you now?
Wouldn't go that far.
It was a man who'd made me go.
The handsome priest?
Did everyone know?
I saw you talking once.
He was as into you as you, him.
You're wrong there.
I was ridiculous.
I don't think so. I was always good at spotting it.
Was my skill at school, for some reason.
Maybe cos I wasn't into boys,
I could read them.
I'd tell the girls who'd fancied who.
It was always very useful knowledge.
Must've been hugely popular.
I was the mad Christian dyke witch.
- What a combination! - Yeah!
I was worried everyone was laughing at me.
The lusty nun.
What a thing to be.
You don't know how much you're loved, do you?
No-one's laughing.
No-one has laughed.
They're just... They're...
They're delighted to have you back with us.
You're our Anna.
You belong to us.
Can we talk?
Oh, er, yeah. I hoped we would.
Awkward to air dirty pants
in front of other people.
I hope I'm not wearing dirty pants.
I... I've got that phrase wrong.
- Dirty laundry. - Yes.
Mind you, it's the, erm, same thing, I suppose. Yeah.
You do know that she's returned home, Anna?
I... Y-Yeah.
Well, yes. So... So that just leaves you now, doesn't it?
I don't know what to do with you.
What are your options?
Well, there are those who truly believe in you.
You tried to get rid of me and got blocked?
And there are others who think that you're damaged
and that you might cause damage.
And I wasn't blocked. I consulted.
You do know, there's some priests, they...
They come back stronger for having been broken,
and that is why I was prepared to bring you here.
But the question is, what led to the break?
People they... They use words like lust and love.
But it is never that.
Vows are not discarded for such things.
Vows are discarded
because of something here being unresolved up here.
Is this your normal tactic, in your counselling?
Because there's a surprising amount of anger in your words.
You know...
you are unusual.
Amongst the young priests, I'm increasingly finding,
that it's all about the liturgy.
The social worker priest is rare.
I mean, there were...
What do you think a priest should do?
Bring people to God,
so that all may bathe in His light.
Not play God...
without a thought to the consequences.
Does this... Does that make me a conservative?
Or, or does that make me careful with the needs of others?
When we overstep, we risk.
Them. It's inappropriate.
It's wrong.
What if help is what they need?
Well, do we let them ask for help?
Or do we tell them that they need it?
David, you're so reckless.
We should go in.
In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Thank you all for coming.
You know, I do so like these meetings.
It is a chance for us to affirm our success
and express doubts about our failures.
Now, I hope you've all been sent the agenda.
Let's start with the building fund.
We've had a good quarter,
so donations are high, which has allowed us...
I don't even know what she said.
I just found myself...
And so I... jumped.
Out of the window.
I jumped out of the window.
It's wrong.
I can smell the booze on you now.
Do we let them ask for help?
It's inappropriate.
Are you helping here?!
Play God, without a thought to the consequences.
You are weak.
Bring people to God.
You might cause damage.
David, you're so reckless.
Black coffee. Six sugars.
OK.
It works. Trust me.
OK.
You gave us all a fright.
Just a stomach bug.
Want to talk about it?
Do you want me to call your sponsor?
Don't have a sponsor.
I just come to the meetings.
Not to judge,
but those I know who don't have a sponsor are usually trying
to avoid something.
They're usually being a bit dishonest with themselves.
You know, this is so kind,
but do you mind if I go?
I'd rather you didn't.
All the same...
What's happening?
It's Polly.
She's struggling to breathe.
Mum?
Oh. Hello!
What are you doing here?
Well, I didn't want to go up there.
I assumed you already had enough attention on you.
What, so you thought you'd just hang around on the off chance?
Well, it's a regular haunt, is it not?
Er, well, I...
I've got some deliveries to do.
You could help me?
You've started smoking again?
Don't tell your dad.
I couldn't stop thinking about what I said to you.
Whi... Which bit?
The... The cruelty stuff, or the other stuff?
Or was there any other stuff?
I met a boy when I was 15.
Poorly dressed.
Terrible moustache.
He used to walk me home from school.
I was at this terrible girl's school.
You told me about the girl's school.
Not about this boy.
He didn't talk much.
He'd just mooch along beside me.
I'd always be embarrassed whenever he got near my house
because my mother would watch out of the window.
She liked to interfere, my mother.
Sounds familiar.
Yes.
But my point is, I knew he wasn't very impressive.
He had good eyes,
but his shoulders were always hunched,
he didn't know what to do with his hair,
and he had an acne problem.
But his being,
his insides were quite special.
As was the fact that he was absolutely certain
of what he felt about me.
Didn't care if people laughed at him.
Just was as he was.
Anyway, one day, my dad exploded at him.
Nothing violent,
but the things he said, he tore him apart.
How he looked, how he spoke,
what he was going to be.
I can still remember most of the words.
It was the worst thing that ever happened to me.
It was certainly the worst thing that ever happened to him.
Was he OK?
What happened to him?
Well, I married him, of course.
Spent my life with him.
Wha... It was Dad?!
Well, I didn't mean it to be a surprise.
I know I've not always been the happiest mother.
Wife.
I have had...
Have an unhappiness of my own that I brought with me
into the relationship that being with you,
with Chris, hasn't resolved.
But he has...
When I imagine my life without him,
I see only turgid blood.
But why haven't either of you ever mentioned this to me before?
That Dad - Dad would follow you home. Ha!
I was lucky I met him when I was 15.
I think I was on the verge of many mistakes.
My home wasn't...
I think I'd have been unhappy.
Unhappier.
I don't know how he feels about that, of course.
Rougher end of the bargain.
Well, I wasn't supposed to make you cry!
Fucking hell, whatever I say makes you cry.
So now you're telling me that I should believe in love?
I'm telling you, you're your father's daughter.
That when you know, you know.
When you love, you love.
I'm saying sorry.
When you joined up, became Sister Anna,
you ripped my heart out.
And then suddenly, you're on the other side,
and it's supposed to be OK.
I was confused.
But I do believe
if love is what you need, then...
I... I stopped him.
Mum, I stopped him from kissing me.
Oh. Why?
Because he wasn't ready.
Because he's a priest.
Because I was bloody stupid.
So let me understand -
you were ready to burn your life and he wasn't?
And then he was, and you turned him away?
Yes, exactly.
But he kissed you?
It was a mistake.
So you ran away back here.
Interesting.
First time I've known you a coward.
I came here to be nice.
I can't do nice.
I'm sorry.
I do love you!
What have you done this time, David?
This is serious and worrying behaviour.
This could be a police matter.
David hit a boy in the throat with a dinner tray.
I wasn't trying to!
Dave, he asked you to be quiet.
I was trying to get away from him.
Are you helping here?!
David is a dangerously disruptive presence here.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
Are those the right words?
They always told me I didn't have to come here, but I...
You're just interested how it works.
Or have you something you want to talk to me about?
I'm not sure.
The way this works is you tell me what's troubling you,
I listen, and then I give you a prayer or something
to perform, so...
whatever mistakes you've made,
and we all make mistakes...
God can set you on a journey of...
correction.
I hate them.
"Who do you hate?"
Everyone.
I don't like anyone. I hate them all.
"Who?
- "Your parents?" - They're not my parents.
They're good people.
I just hate them.
Is hate a sin?
Most hate is temporary, it's passion,
and so it can be challenged.
It can be changed.
I don't understand.
Everyone talks about God's love.
God loves you.
God loves everyone.
But you know the best thing about God's love?
He wants to love you.
He wants you to love yourself.
And to love him back.
And maybe, if you can do that...
maybe you can find infinite love for others.
Now, wouldn't that be beautiful?
I'm afraid to tell you that Sister Polly Everand
died three hours ago.
I am so sorry for all our loss.
Polly was here longer than any of us.
She found great comfort here.
God, here.
The last thing she asked me, and sh-she was very weak,
unable to say much,
was that she be buried in the convent.
We've never had that before.
But having looked into the matter,
she had no other surviving family, so if not here,
I'm not quite sure where else to put her.
I also think...
I would like a trace of her left with us.
I would like her to remain a part of how we live.
I've spent my life here looking up to her.
For that and many reasons,
a prayer for her.
Dear Lord, we thank you for our sister, Polly.
We thank you for her goodness and her grace,
her certainty and her spirit.
We hope she will find a way to serve you in the next life
as well as she has in this one.
We loved her. Amen.
_
"They who dwell at the ends of the Earth
"stand in awe of Your signs.
"You make the dawn and the sunset shout for joy."
Psalms, chapter 65, verse 8?
Very good.
It wasn't a man for me.
Or a woman, I should say.
Modernity, etc.
The absence of that was never a problem for me.
But there were six months after I turned 50
when I couldn't understand
the lack of devotion of those coming in.
Six months...
It was probably three years.
You'd been with us 15 years or so by then
and I looked at you and I thought,
"Maybe the time has come for me to take this all off."
To let you take over.
"Maybe I'd like to escape away."
My family have a small farm in Donegal
and my brother would make me very welcome.
My point is,
it's such a strange gift we're given,
the certainty of a marriage without all that comes with that.
Polly found it effortlessly.
I don't think she ever doubted her journey.
But most...
most of us have moments of struggle.
Is this you telling me that you forgive me for leaving?
I still think about Donegal.
As Abbess, you are both my children and my sisters
and I, sometimes...
when I'm in pain, as I am today,
I sometimes wish I could just escape,
but I don't.
I stay and I try.
Out there is no escape.
I know.
But you do understand, Anna,
outside is hard,
but this isn't a sanctuary from that.
Both are work.
Both have to be work.
Hello?
- Hello. I'm... I'm Father... - I know who you are.
I didn't want to go into the, erm, convent.
You didn't want to face the Abbess.
You hoped to find Sister Anna round the back instead.
It's not quite that.
She's just finding her peace again,
and you want to disturb it?
I just want to see her, talk to her.
For her own good or for yours?
We love her here.
She loves being here.
Don't disrupt her again.
She's not as strong as you think.
Go home.
Please.
Er, can I have a wall plug, please?
- A what? - Wall plug.
It's a white plastic thing.
Looks like the head of an arrow.
Yep.
Doesn't look like an arrow.
Uh, and yet you still knew what it meant.
Is it ready?
No.
When will I know you haven't broken everything?
Haven't you got homework?
You need my help here.
- It's finished. - Thank you.
Oh, it's tuna pasta.
You're welcome to stay for dinner.
I'd better get back.
Good decision.
It'll probably be horrible.
I'm trying to sneak fish into everything
and ruining everything.
Most days, she gives up and just eats crisps.
Well, that's a "well done for trying" smile.
Just to let you know, I hate that smile.
Sorry. I know the smile, too.
When he saw you...
are you allowed to say what he asked for?
I don't think it's a good idea to... share.
I still think about him.
Not always in a bad way.
Does that make me shit?
No.
Well, serenity feels like a long way away.
I don't know if you know,
I've also had...
addiction issues.
Yeah. Phil told me.
Alcohol.
Phil told me that, too.
I just wanted to say if you ever do need to talk to someone,
the, uh, the sign of the cross bit isn't so important
that I can't talk to you as a human, too.
That's kind.
I've got a sponsor.
But that's kind.
I find the meetings really useful,
but sponsors weren't ever really for me.
Because the ones that want to fix don't like to be fixed.
I've seen your type before.
You've seen me before, too, I'm sure.
A few people in similar places.
Do they do OK?
They come out the other side?
Yeah. They did.
You want to ask about the ones like you?
Ask if they sorted themselves out?
Yeah.
Well, one did...
and one didn't.
See, I was a lot more honest than you, then, wasn't I?
Sure you won't stay for dinner?
Yeah.
Thank you, for the stair thing.
I hope you make it through.
Cos you're one of the good ones.
I think you're one of the good ones, too.
And I think we'll both make it.
Almighty ever-living God,
you rule both the living and the dead
and are merciful to all.
We humbly beseech you that those for whom we pour out our prayers
may obtain pardon for their sins through Your tender mercy.
- Amen. - Amen.
Amen.
Do you find this place to be a sanctuary, Bimpe?
I do.
But you work hard at what it requires of you.
Faith is hard.
No, I'm...
I'm not talking about faith, I'm talking about...
If I hadn't found a way for them to let you stay,
would it have been easier if they'd just thrown you out?
I'm grateful you didn't let them do that.
Why?
Well, what...
What do you find here?
Belonging.
And... And sometimes that peace you talked of.
Peace.
Belonging.
Good.
You knew, didn't you?
The sanctuary comment was you guiding me.
I am a guide.
You knew I didn't fit here any more.
I did not.
I just wanted you to think how this made you feel.
How being here again made you feel.
I want it to be home.
But it's not.
I think...
I feel that staying here would be cowardice.
This...
This just isn't the life for me any more.
Do you know what you will do?
No.
Are you going to him?
No.
It's not about that.
I'm not sure it was ever about that.
I have to...
I have to find a new answer.
A new peace.
You are not a coward, Anna.
No, I'm a...
an unemployed, largely uneducated, middle-aged woman.
But I do know a huge amount about the Bible.
I have loved sharing your home.
God's home.
And I... I do love God.
I know.
The last time, I...
I left in panic.
But this time?
This time, I mean it.
But I have loved you.
I love you.
And I have felt your love.
And I hope you have felt mine.
*CREDITS*