Michael!
- Were they barbecuing last night? - Who?
Him, next door, and his girlfriend.
His name's Michael and she's not his girlfriend.
Right, well, whoever she is.
- Anyway, how do you know? - I bumped into her at the shop.
- Kacey. She's nice. - Whatever.
Right, they were barbecuing, because I smelled it.
It was just a bonfire.
There are coals on our drive.
Right? They're chucking barbecue coals on our drive.
What? Why?
I've no idea why.
Why would someone chuck barbecue coals?
I have no idea what goes through that man's head. OK?
It's some sort of game he's playing with me.
Thinks he can get to me. Thinks he can get under my skin.
Who are you phoning?
The council. Antisocial behaviour.
It's only eight o'clock. There'll be no-one there.
Right. I've got to go.
Go and knock on for him and tell him to clean it up.
But take photos first, all right? For evidence.
And then phone the council and report it.
Antisocial behaviour.
Yes, sir.
Hi, Hilary.
OK, I'll come over.
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Oh, hello, love.
Thanks for ringing. Is he OK?
I don't know, love. He's stressing about something, but I can't figure it out.
I don't think he really knows.
- He's in his room. - Cheers.
Oh, it's you.
They better not have called you. Did they call you?
I've just come to see you, like I always do.
I told them not to disturb you.
What's up, Dad? Hilary says you're getting stressed.
Are you worried about something?
It's all this toot, you know, crowding me in.
I-I-I'll have to sort it out. I can't find anything.
OK, I can help you with that. Is there something that you're looking for?
Yeah, well, what was it he said was lost?
Something hidden.
- Sorry, who's this? - Him!
Him who came looking for something.
A book, a bird book.
Dad, you're getting in a state now. You're getting right confused.
They're constantly getting at me, asking me to find things.
OK, I'll tell you what, I can take some away today.
Let's fill a box with stuff that you don't think you'll need,
and I'll keep it at my house until you need it again.
No, you can throw it all away. I don't want any of it. It's all junk.
Come on, Dad, let's sort through some and we can take it from there.
What you got there?
It's my old pal Vic Wiffen.
Passed away.
Not, not many of us left now.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.
That's your friend from Canada.
Yeah, yeah. I got a letter from him only a week ago.
I was always going to go and visit him but...
too late now.
Did you just find this?
Nothing.
You say you had a letter from him last week?
Couple of days ago.
It's on the side there.
He asked about you.
Always asked about you.
Legend.
Excuse me.
- Hello, love. - Do you sell tit boxes?
Tit boxes?
Yes.
Boxes for...?
Tits.
Blue tits?
- Like a nesting box? - Yes.
They'll be in the garden section if we have them. It's...
I'm sorry, it doesn't look like we do.
Oh, well.
I tell you what,
I might be able to help.
- Might you? - Yeah, think so.
Can you come back in, like, an hour?
Yeah, all right.
- I'll go do the rest of my shopping. - Smashing.
See you back here.
- In an hour? - That's it.
Michael, what the hell...?
What the he...?
What are you doing?
Tit box.
Customer wanted one.
Michael, what's wrong with you?
This is not a...
We don't...
- If we don't sell something, we don't make it on... - Oh, here she comes.
Hello, madam. There you go.
Oh, that's lovely, thank you.
- Hello, Gordon. - Hello, Mrs Stewart.
How's your mum? She all right?
She's well, thank you, Mrs Stewart.
How much is this?
It's on us, Mrs Stewart, with our compliments.
Thanks.
Give my love to your mum.
Bye, love.
Why didn't we come back to work yesterday?
- "We"? - You.
You said "don't bother coming back".
As a threat.
As in, "if you leave, don't bother coming back because you're fired".
An employer is not allowed to refuse
an employee reasonable time off
in order to deal with an unexpected event
involving a dependant.
- Well... - Because that would be unfair dismissal.
And you would be guilty of unfair dismissal.
And I would take you to court for unfair dismissal.
Get this cleaned up.
All right?
Yeah.
Here, listen to this.
My dad got this letter from his friend in Canada.
All right.
"Dear Brian, thank you for your last letter.
"All's well here across the pond
although the winter's still..."
Goes on a bit.
And then, "How's your boy Michael?
"I'm always interested to hear what he's up to. Is he well?
"Did he ever find a new partner and settle down?
"Is he happy these days? I hope so."
Blah, blah, blah...
"Your dear friend, Vic."
So?
Well, number one, I don't think I've ever met the bloke,
so I don't know why he's so interested in what I'm up to.
Well, he's just being friendly.
And number two, he died over a decade ago.
Died?
Passed away, dead, in 2009.
And how old's the letter?
Written two weeks ago.
- Canada? - Yep.
Are you sure he's dead?
I've seen the order of service from the funeral.
I googled him, found his obituary. He's dead all right.
Weird.
Can ghosts write letters?
I know they can't lick stamps.
All right, Michael?
Hello, Brigham.
- Kacey? - Brigham.
He was slagging you off yesterday.
- Gordon. - Oh, yeah?
When you didn't come back to work. Said he was going to fire you.
Yeah?
Not that bothered.
Not bothered about getting fired?
Not really, if I'm honest.
Don't...
You don't want to...
Are you OK?
get yourself fired, mate.
Why not?
Who's going to make me laugh?
Who's going to come to work on a long bike?
Be shit without you here, mate.
Right.
Cheers, Brigham.
Whatever.
- Hello? - It's Roy.
- Can you speak? - Not really.
I need to come over to the house.
- With a surveyor. - Why? When?
You know why.
When?
- When's convenient? - None! No time!
- OK. Well, I'm going to come now. - You can't - look, it's, it's not...
Hey, how are you doing, Michael?
Yeah, not bad.
I was just wondering if you had an update on the hedge situation.
Yeah. No. I'm sorry, I don't know.
Well, I think the chaffinches might be gone by now, so...
You had a bird book the other day.
Yeah. The chaffinches.
Where did you get it from?
- The book? - Yes.
I think it was my dad's.
My dad's?
No, MY dad's.
Did you go and see my dad?
- Your dad? - Yes. At the nursing home.
- Your dad? - And ask him for a bird book?
You what? Sorry, I don't think I understand this conversation.
Yes.
It's confusing.
Oh, shit.
Hello, Michael. I'm sorry. I'm not doing this to be a shit.
But, I'm desperate, mate.
I'm bankrupt.
It's been a long time coming and this house, it belongs to me.
Sorry. Who's that?
She's a surveyor.
I just wanted her to come and have a look around so we can figure out
what needs to be done
before people can start viewing the property.
Nice to meet you, Michael.
So, can we... Can we come in, please?
Well, I've set some chairs up in the garden, actually.
We've come to see the house, mate, not the garden.
You need to give me more time to tidy up and stuff.
Hey! I need some more time to tidy up. Roy!
Jesus Christ, what is all this shit?
What are you stockpiling?
It's this way. Come through.
Come through. It's this way.
Oh, my God, look at this.
It's Christmas, 1979.
There's me, Mum, Clea.
- Yeah, would you like to come through? - The Action Man helicopter.
Mum thought it came with an Action Man,
but didn't.
I never did get an Action Man.
It's this way.
What's that?
Manure.
Stinks.
The house is going on the market in three weeks' time, Michael.
Three weeks?
Sorry, Michael, you've got no choice.
It's going to happen.
I'm sorry, I thought you were a surveyor.
Solicitor.
You said that she was a surveyor.
Did I? I meant solicitor.
Well, I'll need to talk to my solicitor.
- You don't have a solicitor. - Then I shall get a solicitor.
- You should get one. - I'm going to get a solicitor.
It would be much easier if I had a lawyer to deal with.
Easier?
- For who? - For everyone, Michael. Christ!
Do not make this more difficult than it needs to be, please.
And the house obviously needs to be cleared.
- What's in the boxes? - I don't know.
- What do you mean, you don't know? - I mean, I don't know.
I don't know what's in the boxes. They're not mine.
- Well, whose are they, then? - They're your sister's.
They're Clea's.
It's stock that she left behind in locks-ups when she went.
Second-hand books, I think, mainly.
Right, well we can help you to get rid of them.
Oh, get rid of them?
To figure out what to do with them.
So, what else do you need to know?
So much, mate.
So much.
Hiya, it's me.
Do you want to come round?
It's time.
I think we should probably wear these too,
- just to be on the safe side. - No, mate.
Look, whatever's supposed to have happened to them in their little shit pit,
has either happened or it hasn't, right?
Me wearing a Dunelm dressing gown isn't going to change anything.
Fair enough.
Right.
I'm going in.
OK.
- Hello, Kacey. - Hiya, Bev.
This is Clive, my husband.
- Clive, this is Kacey. - Oh, cool.
How are you doing, Kacey?
Has he got you slaving, has he?
Slaving? No, mate, I'm just... I'm just helping out.
Oh, God, yeah. Probably can't say that nowadays.
- No, you can't. - Yeah.
- It's a minefield, isn't it? - Yeah, not really.
What are you wearing that for?
Well, I don't want to get dirty, do I, Bev?
You wally.
Right, I'll see you later, love.
- See you. - See you later, Kacey.
- Why do you always do that? - Do what?
- Pretend to be nice. - What the hell's that supposed to mean?
I know you're going to say something fucking horrible about her now.
- Oh, I can't find 'em! - What...?
They must've sunk into the ground.
They should be right here.
Kacey, I nearly went under.
What the...? What's going on? Where are they?
I don't know. Just wa... Wait, wait.
- Hold me arm. - I am.
OK, OK, I've got 'em.
Yeah, they've gone right under.
Pull us out.
We're going to have to rethink this.
I can feel it.
Is it the right way up?
Yeah, I've got it by its neck.
Right, give it a gentle pull.
Here it comes.
Gently.
- You got it? - Yeah.
OK, take her inside.
Here she comes.
I've got her.
Hurry up!
All right! Bloody hell.
Here.
- Ugh. - Yeah.
They've grown.
Have they reached the stage of whatever?
The state of divination.
I don't know.
How do you find out?
I have to ask 'em a question.
Go on, then.
I don't know what to ask.
Mate, you told me what you wanted to ask.
Yeah, but we should ask them a test question first.
You know, see if it works.
- So, what can they answer questions on? - Anything.
The future, the past, anything.
OK.
OK, yeah.
We'll use these. Yeah?
Pick a card and get it to tell us what it is.
- OK. - Yeah.
- How will it tell us? - Mate, I don't know.
Go on, ask it. Talk to it.
Do you want to play cards?
Yeah? Cards?
- Your Majesty. - Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Would you like to play cards, Your Majesty?
OK.
OK, Your Majesty,
what card will I take from the top of the deck?
Oh, my God.
The four of hearts.
Wait. Shuffle them again.
Why? He's chosen.
Yeah, but if he's predicting the future, you can shuffle them again.
You can shuffle them as many times as you like.
It won't make a difference.
Once more.
- Holy shit. - OK.
All right, Your Majesty, again.
Seven of diamonds?
Well, I guess it works.
OK.
OK, so we know that they can predict the future.
What else can they do? Can they solve a crime?
- Tell you your deepest secret? - I suppose so.
- What about someone else's secret? - Yeah. I suppose.
Your Majesty, I would like you to tell me...
when was the last time Michael cried?
- Hang on, no. You can't do that! - I'm just asking her a question!
- Did you cry at Brokeback Mountain? - Well, I mean,
- you know, it's a sad film. - Brilliant!
OK, what else? What else can we ask?
Are there any sports happening now?
There must be, somewhere in the world, right?
Yes. Here.
Copenhagen versus Skanderborg, Danish women's handball.
There's, like, ten minutes left.
OK, OK, so what do we ask?
Your Majesty,
right now,
Ajax Kobenhavn...
It's "eye-ax".
are playing Skanderborg at home in Denmark.
Can you tell me, will Copenhagen win?
Ok. So the other team, Skanderborg, are going to win.
And what will the final score be?
31-29.
OK. What's the score now?
28 all.
Come on!
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!
Come here!
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