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What are you doing?
Nothing.
Are you watching him next door?
No!
So? You're always spying on him.
Aw, Bev, he's filling buckets AGAIN. Oh...
Right.
Chaffinch.
Says 'ere that they "typically breed between late April and early May,
"with an incubation period around 15 days
"with roughly 11 to 18 fledge days".
What are you going on about?
Well, that was his excuse, why he couldn't cut the hedge
- chaffinches nesting.
Well, not if they're "typically breeding between late April "and early May".
You're obsessed, Clive. Just leave him alone.
Anyway, I like him. I think he's funny.
- Funny? - Yeah. Quirky. Interesting.
Not boring.
"Funny"!
Your Majesty.
Ma'am.
Oh, God...
Where's Oscar with the wheelbarrow?
- What's going on? - None of your business.
- Did you steal this van? - Found it. They left the coins.
Well, you can't take them.
Why not? Finders keepers.
There's nothing left.
Where do you live?
What school do you go to?
- I should call the police. - Piss off, Grandad.
If you do, I'll tell them you showed us your dick.
Get 'em all in.
Yeah, I mean, it was all right,
but I doubt I'll watch any more episodes.
It's just...
I find I can't believe him in serious roles any more,
not since I saw him crying in his pants
in "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!".
Right.
Like, I'm sure he plays a really convincing hospice worker,
but once you've seen someone chewing down a kangaroo's anus on ITV
it's hard to suspend your disbelief, innit?
- Oh, my God, is that Kaitlin Thorncroft? - Who?
- The newsreader. - I've got absolutely no idea.
It is her. Oh, my God. I'm going to go and talk to her.
Hiya! Do you need any help?
Yes, please. I do not know what I'm doing.
I've got this pipe spewing water on the patio.
I just need to stop it or seal it or something.
This came off. It's split.
Let's get you over to the plumbing aisle.
Yeah, so this bit goes on the hose pipe first,
and then this bit screws into that and that should do it.
That's amazing. Thank you so much.
What's your name?
- Kacey. - Yeah.
- Thank you again, Kacey. - You're welcome.
- Bye. - Bye.
It's nice to meet you.
Are you all right?
What happened?
- Did you see her? - Yeah.
- What happened? Why are you upset? - She was just so...
I don't know, so friendly and, oh, my God,
just so confident and successful.
And she asked my name, but then she saw my badge, and it's just...
It's like she's not going back to a shit, damp flat
with mould in the bathroom, is she?
And she even smelled nice!
Is this an official break? Because I don't remember telling anyone...
Is she...?
- What? - Crying?
It looks like it, yes.
What's wrong with her?
Get out!
Let's get out of here.
This cafe's named after the dog that found the World Cup.
Pickles.
Are you OK now?
Yeah.
Thanks. Sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
So... Sorry, what's her name?
Kaitlin Thorncroft.
- Kaitlin Thorncroft. Is she...? - Is she what?
- Is she your favourite, or something? - No.
I haven't thought about her twice before in my life.
She's just someone off the telly.
But it was...
It was like looking through a window into another life.
She had a driver. Did you see?
Not a cabbie. A driver, someone who just, like, drives her around.
I don't know, it was just weird,
seeing her in real life, in the shop.
Yeah. Yeah, I think I get it.
She had a patio. Have you got a patio?
I think so.
I certainly used to have a patio.
I haven't seen it for a while.
Imagine having a job you actually gave a fuck about.
So what would you be doing?
In an ideal world, what job would you give a fuck about?
I know exactly what I'd be doing.
What?
- I'm not telling you. - Why not?
Because it's ridiculous. It's impossible.
Well, it isn't, because you thought of it.
- Honestly, it's stupid. - Tell me.
- No. - Tell me!
I want to be in Neighbours.
Pardon? Neighbours?
No, see, cos you're going to laugh, and it's...
I'm not laughing. Neighbours, the Australian soap opera?
Yes.
Sorry, you want to be in Neighbours as an actor?
Yes.
- Are you an actor? - No.
Mate, you can be in Neighbours. Why not?
You just have to, you know, "believe".
Wait a minute, wasn't Neighbours cancelled?
Yes.
Don't worry, we'll bring it back. I'll start a crowd-funder.
What sort of character would you be?
Would you be, like, the quirky English character that's just...
You don't think I could do Australian?
- Right, you're an Australian character? - Well, yeah, they're all Australian in it.
- Can you do the accent? - Shut up. I wish I hadn't said anything.
Bloody hell, Kace, I think that is fantastic.
I'm going to help you.
I'm just trying to think, have I got any contacts
within the Australian Broadcasting Corporation?
We can figure that out.
We will bring back Neighbours, and you will be in it.
Oh, yes, you WILL be in it. Cheers.
REALLY annoyed that Gordon saw me cry.
- Why? - Because.
He saw a weakness. He'll use it against me.
Crying isn't a weakness.
When was the last time you cried?
I don't cry. It's a weakness.
- Seriously, though, you do cry? - No, really, I don't.
Can't remember the last time I cried.
Nah, I bet you sob yourself to sleep every night.
Don't, like... tell anyone.
About the Neighbours thing, yeah?
- Not even Brigham? - Oh, you better not.
Oh, yeah -
You know when you were at the pub last week and you were drunk?
- Wasn't drunk. - Right.
Well, you know when we were at the pub for Andre's birthday?
What is it that you were growing in jars?
You kept going on about these creatures you were growing in your shed.
- Magical Sea-Monkeys or summat. - Did I say that?
Was that just to you or to everyone?
- To everyone. - Shite!
- I must have been drunk. - Yeah.
Well, can you see 'em yet,
or are they still invisible to the naked human eye?
No, they're visible now.
Well, three of 'em. They're about this size.
And what were they called again?
- Homunculi. - Homunculi.
Can I come and see them, then?
I wasn't supposed to tell anyone.
I can't believe I said that in the pub.
- Do you think they'll remember? - I doubt it. They were all leathered.
Can I come and see them?
Reluctant face emoji.
Come on. I told you about the Neighbours thing.
Maybe.
OK.
But you mustn't mention it to ANYONE.
- When? - Weekend, maybe?
Michael! Mike!
How's your homunculi?
Oh, bloody hell!
He's not answering his phone. Here he is. This is him.
Michael Sleep?
Yes.
Did you witness a robbery this morning?
No. I don't think so.
A security van?
Oh, yeah. God! Yes. Sorry, yes, I did.
Some kids were robbing the coins. Little...
Can we have a word?
- How many kids? - Four. Or five.
Or six.
One of them had a wheelbarrow.
- And why didn't you report it? - I was going to,
but then I heard your sirens coming, so...
As a witness to a crime, do you not think you should have stayed
and reported what you saw?
They said they were going to tell you that I'd exposed myself.
- Why did you expose yourself? - No, I didn't.
But that's what they said they were going to say,
and I didn't want to stick around and be accused of it.
Sorry, what are you writing?
"Constable Sergeant."
Mhh?
Nothing.
_
- Did you see which way they went? - Not really.
Do you think you could recognise any of them again?
It's unlikely. They were kids. They were just grubby kids.
Oh, one of them had jam on its face.
What kind?
- Of jam? - Yes.
Apricot. That's just a guess.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Get back to work.
Michael, do you mind telling me what the hell's going on?
I saw some kids robbing a van on the way to work. That's it, Gordon.
I can't have police officers marching in here,
questioning my staff. How do you think that looks?
Hello, Hilary?
- Yes, I'll be right there. - No.
Yes, I'm on my way. OK.
I've got to go. Me dad's had a fall at the home.
I didn't "have a fall". I tripped over the effing cat.
- Is that not having a fall? - No. It's entirely different.
A "fall" is what old people do when they can't be arsed to concentrate
on standing up properly.
Number one, I'm not old enough to have a fall.
You're pushing 90, Dad.
Number two, I tripped over an effing cat.
Well, we'll get the doctor to check you over,
make sure you haven't fractured anything.
Can you leave us alone, please? I need to talk to my son.
Hey, Dad, don't be rude to Hilary.
Well, I said "please", didn't I?
- In a rude way, yes. - It's all right.
- Do you want a cuppa? - I'm all right. Thanks, Hilary.
So... how's it going? Are they growing?
- Are you sure you're all right, Dad? - Yes. The prophets.
You said you've seen them. Are they moving? Are they eating?
I can see three.
The other jars are empty, as far as I can tell.
Which three?
Well, I think one of them is the king. He's got a crown.
Yeah, good, that's right. And the others?
Maybe a queen, maybe an angel.
That'll be the seraph, yeah.
You've got to keep on top of the water changes
and the feeding.
And continue to chant. It makes them strong.
Dad, what are they?
They look like people trapped in jars.
What am I doing? Should I even be doing this?
No, no, you mustn't anthropomorphise them.
They're not people. They're not even physical half the time.
They're supernatural.
They don't abide by the laws of nature.
They have a different set of rules
which we're not even close to understanding.
Then how do I know how to look after them?
I mean, they look as though they're in pain. They look like they're suffering.
Well, there you go again, anthropomorphising.
They exist in a different realm. They want to tell the truth,
they need to tell the truth, so you keep them fulfilled
by asking them the questions you need to know.
It says in the book they have to be buried in horse manure
until they reach the State of Divination.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, venter equinus. Bowels of the horse, yes.
But I think any farmyard manure will probably do the trick.
Right. It's to keep them warm?
- Can't I just whack the heating up? - No, no, no.
Trust the recipe, son, it's all there.
It's as much to do with decomposition,
the breaking down of living materials
to transfer life and vitality to the prophets.
I'll pop back later.
I am sorry about him being snappy with you.
Bloody hell, that's nothing, love. You should hear some of the names I get called.
- Is he OK? - Yes. He's just a bit confused.
I'll pop back later.
Hey, did he tell you he had a visitor earlier?
- Dad did? - Yeah. Was it your brother-in-law?
Roy? Clea's brother? He came here?
Oh, that's all right, is it? Your dad seemed to recognise him.
Yes, it's fine. Do you know what he wanted?
Well, he said he was just passing, wanted to say hello.
Fine. Cool.
Thanks.
Roy, it's Michael. I don't want you visiting my dad.
I don't know what you want from him,
but practical strangers turning up just confuses him,
and, you know, he has his routines.
Please don't visit him without me there or without telling me first.
It confuses him.
Bye.
Hello, Michael.
Hello.
It's funny... Don't know if you remember you saying you...
Remember you said you couldn't cut your hedge because there were...
birds nesting? Chaffinches, I think you said.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, well, I was just...
having a look at this bird book, and it's...
I just noticed that it said that...
that they nest in, springtime.
- Really? - Yeah.
Apparently, all garden birds do, so...
Yeah.
That's when they...
That's when they nest, so...
Terrifying.
What is?
Climate change.
- Hello, Michael! - Bev.
Cheerio.
Michael, it's Roy. Give us a ring back when you get this message.
Listen, mate, it wasn't me that came to visit your dad at the home.
I don't know who it was, but it wasn't me.
So you need to find out who's saying they're me and...
what it is that they want from your dad.
Give us a ring back, yeah? Cheers. Bye.
Hello.
It's Roy, isn't it?
Yeah. Hello.
I'm Bea.
I was a friend of your sister Clea.
- I think we met once, a long time ago. - Oh. OK.
Yeah, I worked with Clea for a while. We did the antiques stalls together.
I remember. Second-hand books, wasn't it?
- Do you hear from her? - No. She...
I mean, she... You know.
- She went missing. - Yeah, of course.
Yeah, I was just... wondering if anything had changed.
- What's your name again? - Bea. Beatrice.
Do you want to... get a coffee?
Yeah, OK.
What's it been, five years since she went?
Nearly seven.
- Oh, wow, is it that long? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I guess it is. - You still doing the antiques place?
Oh, no, that place closed down a long time ago now.
God, do you know what? I've just remembered that Clea used to rent
a storage unit to keep some of the extra stock in.
- Oh, yeah? - I wonder what happened to it.
I don't think there was much in it by the end, but...
Yes, I don't know. You'd have to ask her partner.
He kept everything as it was.
He still thinks she's going to walk through the front door one of these days.
It must have been so hard for...
Oh, God.
I've forgotten his name.
- Hamish. - Of course, Hamish.
Poor Hamish.
Do you have his number? Is he still at the same place?
Why don't you give me your number? I'll get him to give you a ring.
Morning, Olive!
Morning, Michael! You well?
Yes, yes. I'm very good, thank you, Olive.
What ARE you up to? That looks like hard work.
Yep. I've decided it's time to go for the fake grass.
- Fake grass? - Yep, the old Astroturf.
I swore I wouldn't, but needs must.
Are you sure that's not carpet, Olive?
Carpet? No.
Because it looks like it's got a pattern from here.
- Has it? - Where did you get it from?
A fella came to the door. He had it in a van.
Let's have a look.
Sorry, Olive, that is definitely deep-pile carpet.
Fucking hell!
How much did you pay for it?
I'm not telling you.
It looks like it's acrylic, so you never know, it might last a while.
- At least it's green. - Exactly. At least it's green.
And I quite like the paisley.
Hiya!
Hello.
What are you doing here?
- I'm good, thanks. How are you? - Sorry. I wasn't expecting you.
I've come to see your Sea-Monkeys.
- It isn't really convenient. - Come on, mate, you said.
All right. Quick, come in.
Mind the, brambles and the nettles.
- And the barbed wire. - And the barbed wire.
Hang on.
They don't like it too bright.
Right...
It's like an opium den in here.
- Or a brothel. - Don't touch anything.
I wasn't going to.
Are you ready?
Ready? I don't know. Should I be scared or summat?
No! Definitely not.
They can sense fear. It makes them freak out.
OK...
What am I looking for?
Tap on the glass gently.
Hey, that's cool. How do you get it to do that?
- What the fuck! What the fuck is that?! - Shush!
Don't shout, you're stressing him out! Please!
I am so sorry.
Kacey!
And they need to get this squeaky clean.
- They don't want to be over a barrel! - Keep your voice down!
Michael, seriously, what the fuck was that?!
I told you, a homunculus. That was the king one.
- You've completely terrified him. - Oh, I'VE terrified HIM?
Hello, Bev!
Are the others...
like that?
Yeah. They're all different but, yeah, similar.
OK.
OK, now I know what to expect...
Seriously, though, if you yell again like that...
I won't. Shut up. I'm ready.
Now I'm ready.
Oh, my God. I don't know what I'm looking at.
- Can they see me? - I don't think so.
I think they just sense that you're there.
Are they all right?
They look fucked.
Are they, like, people?
No. They're prophesying spirits.
This is mental.
And you can ask them questions about the future?
About anything,
once they reach a certain size.
And they will always answer with the truth.
- How does that work, then? - I don't know.
What are you going to ask them?
If Clea's ever going to come back.
What if they say no?
I'll ask if she loved me.
I just need to know...
if I can move on.
Can I ask 'em summat?
If you'll ever be in Neighbours?
What if they say no?
Well, then, I can stop hoping.
Are you hearing this? I don't know who the hell she is.
And have you seen that oil slick out there?
And he's the one who claims to be concerned about wildlife.
There'll be albatrosses flapping about in that by the end of next week,
because you know as well I do he won't be cleaning it up.
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