1
00:00:53,431 --> 00:00:59,162
CREDITS

2
00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:06,607
Excuse me, do you sell buckets?

3
00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:08,113
Buckets? No.

4
00:01:09,557 --> 00:01:10,796
Really?

5
00:01:10,899 --> 00:01:13,196
No call for them. Old-fashioned.

6
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,895
So how do people, you know,
like, carry water and stuff?

7
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,855
Well, everything's
plumbed-in these days.

8
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,695
You know, it's piped to
wherever it needs to be

9
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:24,215
so there's no need for
anyone to carry any by hand.

10
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:25,975
What colour bucket?

11
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,375
Well, doesn't really matter. Any colour.

12
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,215
No, sorry, I can't help you.

13
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:33,680
A hosepipe, that's the closest we do.
Garden section.

14
00:01:35,159 --> 00:01:36,454
OK.

15
00:01:36,549 --> 00:01:37,944
Excuse me?

16
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,810
Is that right that you don't
sell buckets any more?

17
00:01:40,836 --> 00:01:42,027
I'm sorry?

18
00:01:42,708 --> 00:01:45,683
Your colleague just told me that
you don't sell buckets any more

19
00:01:45,709 --> 00:01:47,785
because they're old-fashioned.

20
00:01:48,395 --> 00:01:51,355
Do you mean those things that
people used to carry water in?

21
00:01:52,309 --> 00:01:53,444
Yeah.

22
00:01:53,470 --> 00:01:54,765
Oh...

23
00:01:54,791 --> 00:01:57,606
We haven't stocked buckets
in a while, mate.

24
00:01:57,632 --> 00:02:01,432
Tell you what, you might want to try
the Vintage and Antiques Emporium.

25
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:12,785
Enjoy big savings on solvents
this summer at Tool Box.

26
00:02:12,811 --> 00:02:15,266
White spirits, meths and turpentine...

27
00:02:15,292 --> 00:02:17,335
Did you see Celebrity
Barrel Scrapers last night?

28
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,735
Did I see what?

29
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:20,535
Celebrity Barrel Scrapers.

30
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,975
It's like... You know
Barrel Scrapers, the show?

31
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:25,135
Well, it's like that but
the celebrity version.

32
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,175
I haven't got a telly. Are you serious,

33
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,535
there's a programme called
Celebrity Barrel Scrapers?

34
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,695
Yeah. Didn't recognise any of
the celebrities in it, though.

35
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,215
Apart from that bald bloke
from, what's-it-called...

36
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,535
It's funny, though.

37
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,255
What do they do, the celebrities?

38
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,495
Just, you know, scrape the
barrels out, get 'em clean.

39
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,415
Gets really messy. It's dead good.

40
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,175
Hang on, you don't have a TV?

41
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,815
No.

42
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,280
Prick.

43
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,135
Everyone's going to the pub
next Friday after work.

44
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,015
It's someone's birthday. You coming?

45
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:56,295
Whose birthday?

46
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,695
Bloke who cuts the MDF.

47
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,575
Andre.

48
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,480
Maybe. I'll see.

49
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,055
A big tall guy, about six foot.
A big white bea..

50
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,775
Him! Him, there, with the white beard!

51
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,295
- Him!
- OK, thank you. I'll...

52
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:09,920
Here we go.

53
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,735
Did you tell that customer
we don't sell buckets?

54
00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:15,935
No.

55
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,495
He said you told him
we don't sell buckets,

56
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,335
that there's no call for them.

57
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:23,135
- Oh, BUCKETS?
- Is that what he was after?

58
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,135
I couldn't understand
what he was saying.

59
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,935
What time do you go to bed?

60
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,415
None of your business, Gordon.

61
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:33,015
It is my business if my staff are
falling asleep on their feet

62
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,175
and they can't hear the
customers properly.

63
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,359
You don't lose your hearing
when you're tired. Oh...

64
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,720
Hello, Hilary? Is everything OK?

65
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,815
- OK, I'll be right there.
- No...

66
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,015
No, it's fine. I'm not busy.

67
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:49,775
No, honestly, it's not a problem.

68
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,575
Yes.

69
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:53,240
OK, I'm on my way.

70
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,135
I've got to go. Me dad's lost something.

71
00:03:58,160 --> 00:03:59,600
Lost something?

72
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,600
Have you been on your break?

73
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,495
Oh, hello, love. Sorry.

74
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,215
No, it's all right. What's happened?

75
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,975
I would've waited till you came
in later, but he was upset

76
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,040
- and threatening to call the police.
- Really?

77
00:04:35,406 --> 00:04:37,302
- Tina found this...
- _

78
00:04:37,328 --> 00:04:41,335
on his bed when he was at
breakfastand brought it to me.

79
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,640
He noticed it was
missing and kicked off.

80
00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:50,895
Bloody 'ell!

81
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,415
Right...

82
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,815
Well, I'll... I'll see if I
can get to the bottom of it.

83
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,880
Thanks, Hilary. Sorry.

84
00:05:04,363 --> 00:05:06,363
_

85
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,535
- Hello, Dad.
- Oh, I'm glad you're here.

86
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,935
There's a thief in this
place and I've had enough!

87
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,455
It's outrageous. I'm writing a letter.

88
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:18,735
All right, Dad, calm down.
No-one's stole it.

89
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,375
I've got it here. They
didn't know what it was.

90
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:25,055
It says quite clearly on the
tin what it is - poison.

91
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,415
Well, exactly. They were worried.

92
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,895
I'm not a child.

93
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,135
Why have you got a tin of poison?
What is going on?

94
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,095
Give it here.

95
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,280
Right.

96
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,135
One, two, three, four, five, six.

97
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,335
Oh, they're all there.
Thank God for that.

98
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,775
I couldn't replicate these. Once
they're gone, they're gone.

99
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,815
Seriously, Dad, why have you
got six phials of poison?

100
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,935
This is the antidote that
dissolves the homunculi,

101
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,215
only to be used in case of emergency.

102
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,815
It was given to me, I
don't know what's in it,

103
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:55,535
and I couldn't make it again.

104
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,615
Did you find the diaries?

105
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,375
- Mike?
- Eh?

106
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,815
Did you find the instructions?

107
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,243
- Yes.
- Excellent. So have you got it set up?

108
00:06:03,306 --> 00:06:05,521
No, Dad. I haven't had time.

109
00:06:05,546 --> 00:06:08,201
Well, the sooner you start the
chanting, the sooner you'll be able

110
00:06:08,226 --> 00:06:11,441
to get results and the sooner
you'll be able to ask about Clea.

111
00:06:11,466 --> 00:06:14,161
You have to chant to the bottles.

112
00:06:14,186 --> 00:06:16,026
It's all there in the instructions.

113
00:06:17,306 --> 00:06:19,546
Wh-what... what's wrong?

114
00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:29,081
This was in the journal.

115
00:06:29,106 --> 00:06:31,041
There they are!

116
00:06:31,066 --> 00:06:33,961
Oh, my God. I'd forgotten I took this.

117
00:06:33,986 --> 00:06:35,601
Dad, I'm so confused.

118
00:06:35,626 --> 00:06:37,761
I thought that this was
just a bedtime story.

119
00:06:37,786 --> 00:06:39,921
I didn't think it might
actually be real.

120
00:06:39,946 --> 00:06:43,201
Trust me. You want to
know where Clea is?

121
00:06:43,226 --> 00:06:44,626
When she's coming home?

122
00:06:46,026 --> 00:06:47,681
They can answer any question,

123
00:06:47,706 --> 00:06:49,601
and they're compelled
to answer truthfully.

124
00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:53,521
OK. Just remind me what
they actually are.

125
00:06:53,546 --> 00:06:56,601
Homunculi. Prophesying spirits.

126
00:06:56,626 --> 00:07:00,641
Right. I looked up "homunculus"
in the dictionary, and it said,

127
00:07:00,666 --> 00:07:04,481
"A very small, humanoid creature."

128
00:07:04,506 --> 00:07:07,106
- That's it, yeah.
- "That's it"?!

129
00:07:08,266 --> 00:07:11,241
So, what, a human? An animal?

130
00:07:11,266 --> 00:07:13,561
Is this legal?

131
00:07:13,586 --> 00:07:15,001
Well, it's not ILLEGAL.

132
00:07:15,026 --> 00:07:17,441
That doesn't exactly put
my mind at rest, Dad!

133
00:07:17,466 --> 00:07:18,961
Trust me.

134
00:07:18,986 --> 00:07:20,961
Yes, yes. All right.

135
00:07:20,986 --> 00:07:23,841
Before I forget, will you
post some letters for me?

136
00:07:23,866 --> 00:07:25,121
More competitions?

137
00:07:25,146 --> 00:07:26,881
Yeah. This one's foot spa,

138
00:07:26,906 --> 00:07:29,081
this one's dog grooming classes,

139
00:07:29,106 --> 00:07:30,881
and this one's a Lamborghini.

140
00:07:30,906 --> 00:07:32,281
Fingers crossed.

141
00:07:32,306 --> 00:07:34,481
Oh, and this one, you'll need a stamp.

142
00:07:34,506 --> 00:07:36,321
You'll have to go to the Post Office.

143
00:07:36,346 --> 00:07:40,001
It's going to Vancouver, to
my old school friend Vic.

144
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:42,721
Oh, righto. How is Vic these days?

145
00:07:42,746 --> 00:07:46,081
Much the same. Not much to
say for himself, but...

146
00:07:46,106 --> 00:07:48,921
- ..he always asks after you.
- After me? Does he?

147
00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:51,561
Yeah, yeah, very interested
in what you're up to.

148
00:07:51,586 --> 00:07:52,881
Did I ever meet him?

149
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,841
Maybe once, when you were little.

150
00:07:55,866 --> 00:07:58,146
Right. Well, next time...

151
00:07:59,226 --> 00:08:00,986
..tell him I said hello.

152
00:09:03,146 --> 00:09:05,881
- Hello, Olive.
- Hello, Michael.

153
00:09:05,906 --> 00:09:08,201
What you got there? Jars?

154
00:09:08,226 --> 00:09:10,321
- Yep, jars.
- Big, aren't they?

155
00:09:10,346 --> 00:09:13,281
Yep, big jars. What are
you sprinkling today?

156
00:09:13,306 --> 00:09:14,881
- Ant powder.
- Oh, yeah?

157
00:09:14,906 --> 00:09:18,201
Little bastards coming indoors
and eating all the cake.

158
00:09:18,226 --> 00:09:19,361
Wankers.

159
00:09:19,386 --> 00:09:21,801
Got to get them early, otherwise
they start bloody flying.

160
00:09:21,826 --> 00:09:25,121
You know that? They sprout
wings and start bloody flying

161
00:09:25,146 --> 00:09:28,721
all over the place on 4th
of July, Independence Day.

162
00:09:28,746 --> 00:09:30,961
So, I'm putting the powder down.

163
00:09:30,986 --> 00:09:32,641
Yeah, that'll learn 'em.

164
00:09:32,666 --> 00:09:34,546
- See you later, Olive.
- Cheerio.

165
00:09:49,866 --> 00:09:52,626
OK, Dad. I'm doing this, am I?

166
00:10:00,946 --> 00:10:03,106
Can you put those in a bag for me?
Thank you.

167
00:10:09,946 --> 00:10:11,881
Please leave a message.

168
00:10:11,906 --> 00:10:14,521
Hello, this is, Michael. Michael Sleep.

169
00:10:14,546 --> 00:10:16,721
I'm just leaving a message.

170
00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,961
I won't be coming in today, I'm afraid.

171
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:21,226
I've got a bit of a runny bottom.

172
00:11:03,186 --> 00:11:05,281
- Morning, Michael.
- Morning.

173
00:11:05,306 --> 00:11:06,921
Morning.

174
00:11:06,946 --> 00:11:08,641
Are you just getting rid of some stuff?

175
00:11:08,666 --> 00:11:10,601
Just moving it.

176
00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:12,161
Oh, to out the front here?

177
00:11:12,186 --> 00:11:14,585
That's right. It's only temporary.

178
00:11:20,786 --> 00:11:22,121
I was going to say,

179
00:11:22,146 --> 00:11:24,081
I'm sorry you didn't get a
chance to take your hedge back.

180
00:11:24,106 --> 00:11:26,681
Don't be sorry. It's lucky, actually.

181
00:11:26,706 --> 00:11:29,041
I spotted a pair of chaffinches

182
00:11:29,066 --> 00:11:30,601
nesting in the ivy,

183
00:11:30,626 --> 00:11:33,841
so I'm glad that we didn't disturb them.

184
00:11:33,866 --> 00:11:36,226
- Chaffinches?
- Chaffinches!

185
00:11:39,826 --> 00:11:43,641
That reminds me, your
security light at the front,

186
00:11:43,666 --> 00:11:46,881
it's flashing on and off,
on and off, all night.

187
00:11:46,906 --> 00:11:48,001
Is it?

188
00:11:48,026 --> 00:11:51,081
There must be a branch or a twig
or something waving across it.

189
00:11:51,106 --> 00:11:54,041
You probably don't notice it
if your bedroom's at the back.

190
00:11:54,066 --> 00:11:56,921
- I'll take a look.
- Yes, it's on and off, on and off.

191
00:11:56,946 --> 00:12:00,041
All night - on and off, on and off.
It's, like, every few minutes.

192
00:12:00,066 --> 00:12:01,561
It's light pollution.

193
00:12:01,586 --> 00:12:04,201
It's disturbing the little chaffinches.

194
00:12:04,226 --> 00:12:05,721
Light pollution... OK.

195
00:12:05,746 --> 00:12:08,001
Just off to the DIY store.
Do you need anything?

196
00:12:08,026 --> 00:12:10,129
- No. Thanks.
- Are you sure? I get a...

197
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,121
- Nope.
- I get a staff discount.

198
00:12:12,146 --> 00:12:13,866
- No, thanks.
- All right.

199
00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:23,321
All right, skiver?!

200
00:13:23,346 --> 00:13:24,881
I thought you had the shits!

201
00:13:24,906 --> 00:13:26,161
Sh!

202
00:13:26,186 --> 00:13:27,641
Don't let him know I'm here!

203
00:13:27,666 --> 00:13:29,561
Do you know, I'm having to do
twice as much work cos of you.

204
00:13:29,586 --> 00:13:32,905
Well, you usually do fuck all, so
twice fuck all is still fuck all.

205
00:13:34,426 --> 00:13:36,121
Why are you here?

206
00:13:36,146 --> 00:13:37,946
I need you to get some stuff for me.

207
00:13:40,266 --> 00:13:41,961
Jesus.

208
00:13:41,986 --> 00:13:43,721
All right, let me finish me cig.

209
00:13:43,746 --> 00:13:46,346
- And remember to get the staff discount.
- OK.

210
00:14:44,746 --> 00:14:46,161
You building a bomb?

211
00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:47,561
No!

212
00:14:47,586 --> 00:14:49,001
Crystal meth?

213
00:14:49,026 --> 00:14:50,441
What?

214
00:14:50,466 --> 00:14:52,241
Well, what's all this for?

215
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:55,041
- I'm cleaning me fish tank.
- What fish have you got?

216
00:14:55,066 --> 00:14:56,801
- Pilchards.
- You're lying.

217
00:14:56,826 --> 00:14:59,881
It's for a project. I'll tell
you about it another time.

218
00:14:59,906 --> 00:15:02,161
- Did he see you? Gordon?
- No.

219
00:15:02,186 --> 00:15:05,666
Kacey, I just wanted to say,
you've still got me credit card.

220
00:15:10,586 --> 00:15:12,226
You're welcome!

221
00:16:28,106 --> 00:16:30,281
Before the jars are sealed,

222
00:16:30,306 --> 00:16:33,561
in each must be placed
a mineral seed item

223
00:16:33,586 --> 00:16:36,506
from which the homunculus will grow.

224
00:16:37,666 --> 00:16:40,201
The seeds must be carefully selected

225
00:16:40,226 --> 00:16:43,466
and be specific to the
creature's station.

226
00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:47,146
For the Knight, a brass key.

227
00:16:48,826 --> 00:16:51,466
For the Monk, the nib of a pen.

228
00:16:52,746 --> 00:16:56,146
For the Peasant, a plain,
undecorated button.

229
00:16:57,586 --> 00:17:00,186
For the Seraph, a crystal of amethyst.

230
00:17:01,586 --> 00:17:03,786
For the Queen, a gold ring.

231
00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:09,146
And for the King, a silver
coin, as old as you can find.

232
00:17:15,186 --> 00:17:17,921
Why does he have to behave like this?

233
00:17:17,946 --> 00:17:21,546
It's like every little thing he
does is designed to wind me up.

234
00:17:22,826 --> 00:17:25,681
I mean, what the hell's his problem?

235
00:17:25,706 --> 00:17:27,066
Bev?

236
00:17:28,266 --> 00:17:29,401
Huh?

237
00:17:29,426 --> 00:17:31,121
I'm saying, "What's his problem?"

238
00:17:31,146 --> 00:17:32,281
Who?

239
00:17:32,306 --> 00:17:34,481
Gandalf the friggin' Grey!
Who do you think?!

240
00:17:34,506 --> 00:17:36,321
It sounds like you're the
one with the problem.

241
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:37,841
Why can't you just ignore him?

242
00:17:37,866 --> 00:17:40,465
How can I, with that racket going on?

243
00:17:46,586 --> 00:17:49,041
Why can't he just be normal?

244
00:17:49,066 --> 00:17:50,481
What're you doing?

245
00:17:50,506 --> 00:17:52,721
- I put a mirror down there.
- Oh, and that's normal, is it?

246
00:17:52,746 --> 00:17:54,161
Can you believe he's had the nerve

247
00:17:54,186 --> 00:17:56,321
to complain about our security light?

248
00:17:56,346 --> 00:17:58,226
Light pollution he's accused me of.

249
00:18:00,266 --> 00:18:02,601
I mean, his place is
crawling with vermin.

250
00:18:02,626 --> 00:18:05,681
The amount of insects in
his garden is disgusting.

251
00:18:05,706 --> 00:18:08,081
Spiders, wasps...

252
00:18:08,106 --> 00:18:09,721
..bees.

253
00:18:09,746 --> 00:18:13,561
And the effing sparrows chirping
all day long in the bushes.

254
00:18:13,586 --> 00:18:15,626
Oh, it drives me insane.

255
00:18:19,546 --> 00:18:24,001
Sacris solemniis iuncta sint gaudia,

256
00:18:24,026 --> 00:18:27,201
et ex praecordiis sonent...

257
00:18:27,226 --> 00:18:29,401
Great. He's praying.

258
00:18:29,426 --> 00:18:34,041
That's all we need -
a religious fanatic.

259
00:18:34,066 --> 00:18:35,561
Bev!

260
00:18:35,586 --> 00:18:36,801
What?!

261
00:18:36,826 --> 00:18:38,081
What're you listening to?

262
00:18:38,106 --> 00:18:40,001
- A podcast.
- About what?

263
00:18:40,026 --> 00:18:41,666
Sex trafficking.

264
00:18:44,426 --> 00:18:46,881
Et ex praecordiis

265
00:18:46,906 --> 00:18:49,561
sonent praeconia,

266
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,561
resedant... Rekedant?

267
00:18:51,586 --> 00:18:54,641
Recedant vetera... vetera...

268
00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:57,841
Sacris solemniis! Iuncta sint gaudia!

269
00:18:57,866 --> 00:18:59,946
Et ex praeconis...

270
00:19:01,986 --> 00:19:03,361
..sonent...

271
00:19:03,386 --> 00:19:05,281
Sacris solemniis

272
00:19:05,306 --> 00:19:07,746
iuncta praecordia...

273
00:19:09,986 --> 00:19:13,106
..et ex praeconiis...

274
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,081
Hello?

275
00:19:35,106 --> 00:19:37,721
- Are you coming to the pub?
- Who is this?

276
00:19:37,746 --> 00:19:40,081
Kacey! Are you coming to the pub?

277
00:19:40,106 --> 00:19:42,081
- What time is it?
- I dunno.

278
00:19:42,106 --> 00:19:44,721
Look, we're at the Open As Usual.
You said you'd come.

279
00:19:44,746 --> 00:19:47,041
Why do you want me to
come to the pub so much?

280
00:19:47,066 --> 00:19:49,361
I'm not asking you out on a date!
I'm just saying we're at the pub.

281
00:19:49,386 --> 00:19:51,521
Fuck's sake, I'm just being friendly.

282
00:19:51,546 --> 00:19:53,561
All right, I'm sorry.

283
00:19:53,586 --> 00:19:55,946
- Which pub?
- Open As Usual.

284
00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:03,281
- All right?
- Yeah.

285
00:20:03,306 --> 00:20:04,681
You all right?

286
00:20:04,706 --> 00:20:07,001
You made it.

287
00:20:07,026 --> 00:20:08,481
You must be made up.

288
00:20:08,506 --> 00:20:10,586
Yeah, I might start weeping.

289
00:20:18,226 --> 00:20:21,081
Oh-ho! Oh, here he is, Weirdy Beardy!

290
00:20:21,106 --> 00:20:22,945
Hey, someone get this man a drink!

291
00:20:24,626 --> 00:20:28,465
- Michael! Are you a train spotter?
- No.

292
00:20:30,066 --> 00:20:31,441
Are you a virgin?

293
00:20:31,466 --> 00:20:33,081
What are you talking about?

294
00:20:33,106 --> 00:20:35,201
How old are you, 50?

295
00:20:35,226 --> 00:20:37,001
50-year-old virgin!

296
00:20:37,026 --> 00:20:39,425
Oh, shut up, Brigham.
How old are you, five?

297
00:20:40,866 --> 00:20:43,161
I love this freak!

298
00:20:43,186 --> 00:20:45,721
My mate used to work at a
restaurant when you worked there.

299
00:20:45,746 --> 00:20:47,081
Some burger place.

300
00:20:47,106 --> 00:20:50,361
Oh, yeah, Burgers Burgers
Burgers on the high street.

301
00:20:50,386 --> 00:20:52,721
Yeah. Said he stripped off in
front of all the customers!

302
00:20:52,746 --> 00:20:54,281
Only to me vest and pants.

303
00:20:54,306 --> 00:20:56,241
"Only to me vest and pants!"

304
00:20:56,266 --> 00:20:57,601
What for?

305
00:20:57,626 --> 00:21:00,121
I was resigning and they
wanted the uniform back.

306
00:21:00,146 --> 00:21:03,361
My mate said, right, he swipes a
banoffee pie off the counter,

307
00:21:03,386 --> 00:21:06,321
comes out front, strips off,
flips the manager the bird,

308
00:21:06,346 --> 00:21:08,881
and then walks out in his boxers.

309
00:21:08,906 --> 00:21:11,961
- Is that true?
- Nearly. It was a sticky toffee pudding.

310
00:21:11,986 --> 00:21:14,201
And I had to come back
because me clothes and keys

311
00:21:14,226 --> 00:21:15,961
were in the staffroom.

312
00:21:15,986 --> 00:21:18,921
Oh, no, no, I'm only having the one.
I've got the car.

313
00:21:18,946 --> 00:21:21,361
Leave it here, get the bus!
Where do you live?

314
00:21:21,386 --> 00:21:23,281
Marvin Gardens, just
off the Wilmslow Road.

315
00:21:23,306 --> 00:21:24,841
Oh, my God, yeah, I know it.

316
00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:27,361
Listen, it's a 20 minute walk from here.
You're fine.

317
00:21:27,386 --> 00:21:28,761
Do you know Danielle?

318
00:21:28,786 --> 00:21:31,521
She used to live on the corner of
Marvin Gardens. I was mates with her

319
00:21:31,546 --> 00:21:33,401
at school. I ain't spoken
to her in years, though.

320
00:21:33,426 --> 00:21:35,281
She went off to catering college.

321
00:21:35,306 --> 00:21:38,481
Oh, my God, there used to be this
house on Marvin Gardens, right,

322
00:21:38,506 --> 00:21:40,841
that was just, like, full of junk

323
00:21:40,866 --> 00:21:43,241
and, like, the garden
was an absolute jungle.

324
00:21:43,266 --> 00:21:45,481
And, I mean, this bloke lived
there, but nobody saw him.

325
00:21:45,506 --> 00:21:48,401
Well, Danielle saw him a
few times, but, anyways...

326
00:21:48,426 --> 00:21:50,801
..he murdered his wife.

327
00:21:50,826 --> 00:21:54,001
Yeah, everyone knew. I mean,
the police dug up his garden

328
00:21:54,026 --> 00:21:55,881
and everything, but
they never found owt.

329
00:21:55,906 --> 00:21:58,121
They reckon he dissolved
her in battery acid

330
00:21:58,146 --> 00:22:00,801
and flushed her down the
loo, so he got away with it.

331
00:22:00,826 --> 00:22:02,626
How long have you lived there?

332
00:22:07,906 --> 00:22:10,226
Oh, my God, that's your house!

333
00:22:18,826 --> 00:22:20,345
Did you murder your wife?

334
00:22:22,546 --> 00:22:24,481
I was never married.

335
00:22:24,506 --> 00:22:26,881
But, no, I've never murdered anyone,

336
00:22:26,906 --> 00:22:29,346
let alone flushed
somebody down the toilet.

337
00:22:33,786 --> 00:22:37,801
Come to think of it, everything
Danielle said was absolute bullshit.

338
00:22:37,826 --> 00:22:39,286
Michael? Michael!

339
00:22:40,746 --> 00:22:42,585
Do you like Star Trek?

340
00:22:52,816 --> 00:22:55,331
_

341
00:23:00,626 --> 00:23:04,361
So... were you really
an underwater welder?

342
00:23:04,386 --> 00:23:07,721
- What's that?
- Were you really an underwater welder?

343
00:23:07,746 --> 00:23:09,921
Oh, no, I made that up.

344
00:23:09,946 --> 00:23:12,481
Do you know, I knew it, you bullshitter!

345
00:23:12,506 --> 00:23:15,321
I went down a two-hour
underwater-welding rabbit-hole

346
00:23:15,346 --> 00:23:18,921
last night! I mean, I
watched videos on YouTube!

347
00:23:18,946 --> 00:23:20,521
I know everything about it.

348
00:23:20,546 --> 00:23:24,121
So how does that work, then?
The fire underwater thing?

349
00:23:24,146 --> 00:23:25,946
I'm not telling ya.

350
00:23:32,426 --> 00:23:37,001
Your mate's story, it wasn't
all bullshit, though.

351
00:23:37,026 --> 00:23:39,481
The police did dig up my garden.

352
00:23:39,506 --> 00:23:42,641
Did me a favour, actually.
Had to clear up afterwards

353
00:23:42,666 --> 00:23:46,041
and left it in a better
state than it was before!

354
00:23:46,066 --> 00:23:48,601
Well, what were they looking for, then?

355
00:23:48,626 --> 00:23:50,601
Me girlfriend.

356
00:23:50,626 --> 00:23:53,961
She left one day and
she never came back.

357
00:23:53,986 --> 00:23:56,546
Everyone thought I'd
killed her for a while.

358
00:23:57,986 --> 00:23:59,706
I didn't kill her.

359
00:24:00,906 --> 00:24:03,001
I love her.

360
00:24:03,026 --> 00:24:05,721
Michael! Do you collect stamps?

361
00:24:05,746 --> 00:24:09,121
Why do you find me so weird, Brigham?
I don't get it.

362
00:24:09,146 --> 00:24:10,561
Just don't worry about him.

363
00:24:10,586 --> 00:24:15,081
No, I don't understand. Is it
simply because I have a beard?

364
00:24:15,106 --> 00:24:19,081
Or because I don't go on
the paintballing trips?

365
00:24:19,106 --> 00:24:21,601
Cos that ain't that bloody weird, is it?

366
00:24:21,626 --> 00:24:23,281
Jason wears gold boots

367
00:24:23,306 --> 00:24:26,001
with wings on, but here you all are

368
00:24:26,026 --> 00:24:27,481
ripping into me!

369
00:24:27,506 --> 00:24:30,161
Oh, careful, watch out,
or he'll strip down,

370
00:24:30,186 --> 00:24:32,081
but only to his vest and pants!

371
00:24:32,106 --> 00:24:34,601
You don't know anything about me.

372
00:24:34,626 --> 00:24:37,161
If you knew what I'm actually
growing in my shed...

373
00:24:37,186 --> 00:24:39,521
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

374
00:24:39,546 --> 00:24:41,721
Stop right there, thank you very much.

375
00:24:41,746 --> 00:24:43,481
What are you actually
growing in your shed?

376
00:24:43,506 --> 00:24:45,401
- What you don't know...
- Yeah?

377
00:24:45,426 --> 00:24:47,961
..is that I am actually
growing homunc...

378
00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:49,086
..homunculi.

379
00:24:50,186 --> 00:24:52,946
- I beg your pardon?
- Homunculi!

380
00:24:54,146 --> 00:24:57,201
They are prophesying spirits

381
00:24:57,226 --> 00:24:59,121
that can predict the future,

382
00:24:59,146 --> 00:25:03,001
and I am growing them
in jars in my shed.

383
00:25:03,026 --> 00:25:05,801
So when I'm winning
billions on the lottery,

384
00:25:05,826 --> 00:25:09,001
you won't be laughing then, will ya, eh?

385
00:25:09,026 --> 00:25:10,481
What the fuck are you on about?!

386
00:25:10,506 --> 00:25:11,961
Homunculi!

387
00:25:11,986 --> 00:25:13,321
All right!

388
00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:14,745
Let's get you home, yeah?

389
00:25:21,186 --> 00:25:22,881
Are you all right?

390
00:25:22,906 --> 00:25:24,306
I'm fine.

391
00:25:28,306 --> 00:25:29,881
So...

392
00:25:29,906 --> 00:25:32,921
..what are you growing
in jars in your shed?

393
00:25:32,946 --> 00:25:35,281
Homunculi.

394
00:25:35,306 --> 00:25:38,201
- And what's a homunculi?
- No.

395
00:25:38,226 --> 00:25:40,841
No. "Homunculi" is plural.

396
00:25:40,866 --> 00:25:43,001
"Homunculus" is singular.

397
00:25:43,026 --> 00:25:46,081
And they are creatures.
They're like little people.

398
00:25:46,106 --> 00:25:48,226
They're like little people in jars.

399
00:25:49,626 --> 00:25:50,961
Like sea monkeys?

400
00:25:50,986 --> 00:25:52,641
They're a little bit like sea monkeys

401
00:25:52,666 --> 00:25:54,961
but they can predict the fuchsia...

402
00:25:54,986 --> 00:25:56,961
Fuchsia!

403
00:25:56,986 --> 00:25:58,561
I had sea monkeys once.

404
00:25:58,586 --> 00:26:00,361
They were really disappointing.

405
00:26:00,386 --> 00:26:03,281
Like, the advert said that
they were so eager to please,

406
00:26:03,306 --> 00:26:05,721
but my ones, they couldn't
give an apparent fuck.

407
00:26:05,746 --> 00:26:08,801
They're not sea monkeys,
they're homunculi.

408
00:26:08,826 --> 00:26:10,521
Can I come and see 'em?

409
00:26:10,546 --> 00:26:13,281
No. Nobody can see them at the moment

410
00:26:13,306 --> 00:26:17,666
because they are invisible to
the human naked eye. So, no.

411
00:26:19,466 --> 00:26:20,961
OK.

412
00:26:20,986 --> 00:26:22,841
You don't have to walk me home.
I'm fine.

413
00:26:22,866 --> 00:26:25,361
Hey, I'm not walking you home.
I live this way.

414
00:26:25,386 --> 00:26:27,121
Fine.

415
00:26:27,146 --> 00:26:28,586
Fine!

416
00:26:31,866 --> 00:26:33,161
This is me.

417
00:26:33,186 --> 00:26:34,946
All right, yeah, cool. I'm just...

418
00:28:59,017 --> 00:29:06,562
CREDITS