Hello, Michael.
Morning... Morning.
Yeah, I was just wondering about your garden, actually, mate, to be honest.
What about it?
Well, I mean, it's getting a bit overgrown now, you know.
Starting to cut out a lot of light, so...
Right, well, I'll sort that, then.
Wicked. OK, you reckon you'll get a chance?
- Definitely. - Awesome.
Did you get the letter from the council?
Probably. I never open them.
Bloody council, eh? Always after something.
Well, there might one about the...
Doesn't matter.
You reckon you'll get a chance, though?
- Take it back a bit? - Yep.
- Yes. - Awesome. Awesome.
All right. See you later, buddy.
Cheers, Cliff.
It's Clive.
See you soon!
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Oi, oi!
Here he is then, The Beard, The Legend!
Michael! Michael!
Mike!
All right, Brigham?
Can Kacey come to Sealants and Grouting with a mop and bucket?
Trish, it's Gordon, what's this mop for? Has something been spilled?
Speak to me, Trish.
Just a spillage in Sealants and Grouting.
Use the comms, please, Trish.
What's been spilled?
Just trying to find out.
Use the comms, Trish, not the tannoy.
Some sort of sealant.
Get a mop. Get it cleaned up.
No, you don't understand.
Why would we sell six screws in a biodegradable paper bag,
when if we only sell them in polyurethane tubs of 500,
the customer is forced into buying much more of them?
Making us much, much more money.
I see.
Do you have a hand-drill?
A hand-drill?
We stopped stocking hand-drills in 1953.
What was 1953?
The Queen's Coronation.
Have you been on your break?
- Which break - lunch break? - Tea break.
No.
Vending machine needs stocking up.
- Double Deckers. - Double Deckers. Got it.
And beef Discos, then go on your break.
Double Deckers, beef Discos, break.
Could the owner of a small child
wearing yellow dungarees please come to the power tools
section in aisle three.
Michael! Michael! You out clubbing tonight?
Absolute legend!
See you there. Mine's a whisky and coke!
_
- Hello, Hilary. - Oh, hello, love.
- He's in the lounge. - Thanks.
- Has he been all right? - Yeah, I think so.
Building his contraptions.
Telling his stories, you know.
Keeping everyone amused.
See you later.
Oh.
- Hello, Dad. You all right? - Hello, son.
You back from your travels?
I haven't been anywhere, Dad.
I must have nodded off.
You've been busy.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Does it work?
Sometimes, yeah.
Here you are, then.
Have a go.
- Where does it start? - On the book.
- What here? - Yes. Yeah.
That is fantastic, Dad!
Oh, well.
Utter waste of time.
Oh, I don't know. It keeps your brain ticking over.
Who brings you the Brazil nuts?
You what?
You've always got a bowl of shelled Brazil nuts.
Oh, yeah, she gives 'em to me, Gladys.
Her granddaughter brings them for her,
but her dentures can't cope with the nuts,
so she just sucks the chocolate off.
I never touch them.
So, what have you been up to?
You know, this and that. Working at the DIY place.
Yeah. How's Clea?
Is she well?
Clea went away, didn't she, Dad.
Years ago now. You remember?
We don't know where she went.
Oh, shit, I forgot.
Yeah. At Christmas-time.
Yes. Christmas Eve.
No news?
- No answers? - No.
Just questions.
Lots of questions.
I'm sorry, son.
It's all right.
I actually don't mind talking about her.
Friends tend to avoid the subject.
What is it?
A draughts piece? No, hang on...
Pontefract cake.
Oh, I know who you are!
I know who's doing it!
Bastards!
Hey, it's all right, Dad.
While I remember, would you post my competitions for me?
Yeah, yeah. Of course I will.
Can't you get one of the staff here to post them for you?
I don't trust them. They just chuck them in the bin.
Dad, I'm sure they wouldn't, but, yes, I'll take them for you.
What are you going to win?
Fishing equipment, knitting machine,
and, this one's a hot tub.
Oh, nice, all very useful.
Here you go, dinner's up.
Shall I leave you to it?
All right, sunshine. Will I see you tomorrow?
Yeah. I'll be here.
Maybe we can talk about her, then.
Who...? Who's that?
Clea.
Clea... Oh, Clea! Oh, lovely Clea.
Give her my love.
I love you, Dad.
We don't encourage people to be creative here.
We pretend we do.
Take the paint mixing service, for example.
People think they're making something unique, but really,
we're only allowed to mix them in one of a dozen different ways.
You see, we can't run the risk of a customer
accidentally discovering a brand-new colour, copyrighting it,
and then going on to make millions.
Like what happened in the United States of America.
Somebody discovered a new colour?
Never seen before.
They're going to introduce it over here next year, but we're going to
have to change all our printers and tellies
- so that they can deal with it. - Well, what's it called?
- Frelliple. - Frelliple?
Probably.
What's it look like?
Now you're asking.
It's kind of a very dark sort of white.
With sort of... It's gre... If you can imagine a kind of red and blue.
It's like stripes, it's almost see through.
It's basically tartan.
It's impossible to describe.
One thing I do know is that, as soon as I can,
I am treating myself to a shirt made from the finest frelliple silk.
Have you taken your break?
I've only been here an hour!
Take your break now, because Andre's in the warehouse this afternoon.
Now?
All right?
- It's Kace... Kacey? - Yeah.
I didn't realise you were in today.
Yeah, I've been in here an hour and a half. No-one's noticed.
Do you...? Do you want a cup of tea or are you not bothered?
Is that beard itchy?
Itchy? No.
Why would I have a beard if it was itchy?
Looks itchy.
Looks like it would feel itchy.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Why do you have a beard? - Why do you wear a hat?
I'm not wearing a hat.
No, but if you were, that would be my response to you.
Why do you have your ears pierced? That's a better example.
Why do you have your ears pierced?
- Just because. - There you go. It's... It's just because.
That were funny before when you thought I was calling you a wanker.
Who were you calling a wanker, Gordon?
Of course Gordon.
I mean, don't you think he's such a wanker?
- I haven't really thought about it. - Go on, have a think.
Yeah, I suppose he is a bit.
Yeah, you watch, now that I've pointed it out,
you'll notice it all the time.
- Are you on your break? - Yep.
- How long have you been on your break? - About ten minutes.
How long have you been on your break?
Two minutes, you literally just sent me on my break.
See?
Have you been here years, then?
Five years.
- Can I...? - Yeah.
What did you do before this?
I was an underwater welder.
- What does that mean? - Which part, underwater or welder?
Both, when you put them together.
Well, I welded things that were underwater,
which meant that I had to go underwater, too.
In like the diving gear and everything?
Almost always.
What sort of things need welding underwater?
Ships, oil rigs...
Mainly ships and oil rigs.
But isn't welding like fire?
- Yes. - Oh, so how does that work, then?
- Would you like me to explain? - No, actually, you're all right.
Why'd you give it up?
It's a young man's game, underwater welding.
You can't do it for too long.
Takes its toll.
And did you have the beard then, or..?
No. I wouldn't have been able to get a watertight seal
- around me diving mask. - Oh, yeah, I was going to say.
Hi, Hilary, is he in...?
- Hello, love. He's in his room. - OK.
Can I have a word?
It's a bit awkward.
Your dad's been taking the empty water bottles
and hiding them in his room.
The water cooler bottles?
The thing is they collect the empties on Wednesday.
What's he taking them for?
I don't know, he's saying it wasn't him.
Well, are you sure it was him?
I've seen him taking them.
He keeps an eye out for when they're nearly empty
and then smuggles them away when he thinks no-one's looking.
All right, thanks, Hilary.
I'll see if I can work out what's going on!
- Hello, Dad. - Hello, son. Come on in.
- Shut the door. - You all right? What are you looking for?
Shut the door.
I remembered something.
Something that'd help with your problem.
What problem was that?
What we talked about yesterday.
You know, I know where you can get some answers.
I am sorry, Dad, I'm being dim. What were we talking about?
Homunculi!
Come again?
Alchemy.
Can't talk about it here. They'll be listening in.
Let's go for a walk.
Take a look in there.
What've you got these for, Dad?
Did I ever tell you about Egypt?
I think so, yes, when you were on National Service?
That's right. When I was there I met a man,
an old mystic, Italian, and he was studying metaphysics
- and alchemic lore. - OK...
Anyway, I became an apprentice, really, so to speak.
I was the only one he trusted to help him with his experiments.
OK...
Eventually this brilliant man managed to grow, and generate
homunculi, tiny prophets who lived in great glass jars full of water.
Wait a minute, Dad. I remember this story. You used to tell it to me
before bed. Little people in jars.
But, Dad, I don't think it actually happened.
Oh, it did happen, I was there, I saw them, there were six of them.
Yeah, I remember, there was a king and a queen, a monk...?
A knight, a peasant and a seraph, exquisite little beings.
They could predict the future.
Yeah. They could answer any question,
once they had reached the State of Divination,
and they had to answer truthfully.
That was my favourite story, Dad.
Dad, are you sure that you didn't get it from a book?
No, no, no.
I wrote it in a book. I wrote the instructions all down in a journal.
But it's... It's gone.
I can't find it.
Well, I've got a lot of your things, remember, at my house.
I said I'd look after them for you when you moved in here.
Well, that's where it'll be, then. And it's all written down.
OK, Dad. Dad, Dad, listen, even if I can find it,
you're not allowed to practise alchemy in the Golden Years Garden.
No, no. It's up to you. You're the one who wants the answers.
They'll be able to tell you where Clea is.
- Oh, Dad... - No, no.
The prophets will tell you where she is, and you go find her
and bring her back.
I'll guide you. That's what the bottles are for.
Take all the bottles, fill them with rain water - got to be rain water.
You'll need some other ingredients but the journal will take you
through all that. You've just got to find the journal.
Come on.
Yeah, that's it.
He thinks I'm taking them out to the car.
It's a long story. All right if I leave them round the corner?
Yeah. All right, love, thanks.
He should be all right now.
See you tomorrow.
Michael!
All right, mate? You're looking well.
Hello, Roy.
I went round the house earlier.
Yeah, no, I was here visiting Dad.
I've been trying to call you. Left a few messages.
Yeah, sometimes I... I forget to check.
I forget to turn it on.
- I need to speak to you, Michael. - Yeah. Yeah, OK.
- Shall we go back to the house? - No.
There's a cafe around the corner.
Pickles.
Do you want something?
Oh, sausage, egg and chips, please.
- Who's paying? - I'm skint, mate.
- Just a cup of tea, please. - Two, thanks.
How are you? Are you well?
Skint. I just told you.
I'm paying for three kids while she's sat on her fat arse
eating crisps.
- Are they still down south? - In Reading, yeah.
How often do you get to...?
I don't, Michael. I'm living in a shitty flat above a Costcutter
so they can't come to me. And I'm not welcome down there,
so weeks, months go by between visits.
Sorry.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
This place is named after the dog that found the World Cup.
Pickles.
I don't know what the connection is.
I don't think he was from around here.
It's time to give back what's mine, Michael.
What if she comes back?
- Clea is not coming back. - What if she does?
Michael, they found her car on the Severn Bridge.
Yes, and she wasn't in it.
Mate, I don't know whether I miss her as much as you do,
I think about her every day.
She was my sister.
But there's nothing I could have done.
And I've made my peace with that.
This Christmas it'll be seven years.
We can apply for a presumption of death.
I want the house back, Michael.
- It belongs to me. - What are you going to do, move in?
No, I'm going to sell it.
Well, I'll stay on until you find a buyer.
No-one's going to buy it, the state it's in.
Needs to be cleared out, there might be structural damage,
- there might be... - I've got to go.
For Christ's sake, Michael, I drove past there this afternoon.
The guttering's hanging off, the garden's impenetrable,
Christ knows what it's like inside.
It's time to take your head out of the sand, mate.
She's not coming back!
Good evening, Olive, you all right, love?
Hello, Michael.
What's that... Fertiliser?
No, these plants are all plastic. Don't need watering,
don't need fertilising.
Oh, right, so what is that you were sprinkling?
Slug pellets.
Sorry, if the flowers are plastic, what are the slugs eating?
The slug pellets.
Oh, right.
Cheerio, then.
Oh, I tell you who I saw here today.
Yeah. Who was that?
Your brother-in-law, Roy.
He was looking for you.
Well, I'd say let the robots take over.
- Hiya, Michael! Olive! You all right? - Yeah.
- Hello, Michael. - Hello, Bev.
Best be off, Olive.
Cheerio, then, Mike.
We were never married.
What's that, love?
It's just you said brother-in-law,
but Clea and I,
well, we were never married.
Cheerio!
_
Elliot! Come in, lad.
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