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How was school today, bud?
It was fine.
Look, Stan, I know it's been really hard for you
the past month, with us not having a home.
Yeah, it sucks.
I've tried to find work,
but there's just not a lot out there.
And with the government shutdown,
I can't get my job back with the USGS.
Times are hard, and I know we all miss Tegridy.
I don't miss Tegridy, Dad.
I just hate that our family is living in a motel.
It's really embarrassing.
Well, that's what I need to tell you, Stan.
There's some good news... we're moving out of the motel.
Wait, really? We can live in a house again?
Well, no, we can't afford a house, so...
we're moving in with your grandpa.
Moving in with Grandpa?
This is a bunch of bull crap!
First you stick me in this place,
and then you all come along?
Pretty nice, huh, guys?
There's a TV, a microwave,
and we have Bingo on Thursdays.
There has to be somewhere else we can live.
Come on, Stan.
You have that space over there by Grandpa's shit pan.
You can't make me stay here.
This is completely inhumane.
That's what I said!
Didn't work.
OK, so then over here is where you're gonna have
the big golden pillars that you guys wanted.
Ah, yeah! That's great!
OK, and then right over here
is where we're gonna put your dance floor.
All right!
Wait, dance floor?
I thought we were knocking the East Wing down
to make room for the nursery.
- The what? - The nursery!
You said all this remodeling was for the baby,
not to make room for more of your stupid parties.
Hey, relax, guy!
We can just stick the baby in the bathroom or something.
Wow! OK, so obviously I have no say in this remodel.
Mr. President, sir.
I'm very sorry, but we need to speak with you urgently.
It's a matter of national security.
We don't want to frighten you, Mr. President,
but we've received intelligence
that someone might be trying to stop your baby from being born.
What?
Who?
Hey! Relax, guy!
We don't know who yet, sir,
but Pam Bondi has been looking into it.
That's right, sir, we won't let any harm
come to the baby of the greatest president that ever lived.
- You are without equal, sir... - Uh, hey, Pam.
- And we are honored to be... - Pam. Pam, sorry.
You got a little shit on your nose there.
Oh, do I?
Did I get it?
No, it's still there.
If someone is trying to harm the baby,
then we must know who.
Well, there is... one theory.
Some people believe that by demolishing the East Wing,
we may have unleashed some sort of... wrath.
What kind of wrath?
Vengeful...
wrath.
What the hell is going on?
I was supposed to be in Washington.
There has been a change in plan, Mr. Thiel.
They are on to us at the White House.
But how?
How did they find out?
Someone must have heard us talking.
Do you still have the child?
Yes, he's here.
I have him heavily sedated.
It should last another six, seven hours.
Six, seven!
But I can't keep him here forever.
You'll just have to wait until it is safe.
I think some brownnoser here is after my job.
Hey.
Come on in.
You guys can't tell anybody that I'm living here.
Stan, you shouldn't be embarrassed, all right?
Everyone's having a hard time right now.
Yeah, everyone's having a hard time.
And you know what the problem is?
Nobody's doing anything about it.
How many weeks has it been now,
dealing with one stupid thing after another?
The truth is, I think a lot of people are just afraid to admit
that South Park sucks now.
South Park sucks now?
Yeah, everyone knows it. South Park sucks now.
And it's because of all this political shit.
We're just getting totally bogged down in it.
Remember when we used to do stuff?
Just us guys?
Ever since all this political crap took over,
it's like... what?
Like... like what happened to us?
Like, Kenny, I haven't even heard you say anything
in, like, four months.
_
You see? That's what I mean!
We don't even know what to say.
South Park's getting ruined, and all of us Gen Alpha kids
are just sitting here, watching it happen.
- You're right, dude. - Yeah!
But what do we do?
I know exactly what to do.
Hey, guys, are you sick and tired
of what's happening to our town?
Do you feel like it's broken and going nowhere?
Then click below and join our online community
at South Park Sucks Now.
Things are clearly not right here,
and if you're like us, you are fed up!
South Park Sucks Now!
So please, like and subscribe, smash the button, upvote...
whatever the hell you need to do,
because together, we can make a difference.
Mr. President, we don't want you to be afraid.
Tell us exactly what it is you think you saw.
Ever since I tore down the East Wing, there's...
this thing
that keeps appearing.
What kind of thing?
Sometimes I see it in a mirror.
Or in the hallway.
President Trump, you are an incredible man.
Whatever this is, we have your back.
Uh, Pam. Pam, you got some shit on your nose again.
Oh, really?
Mr. President, this entity you speak of,
how many times has it appeared?
It appears more and more lately.
I-I can't get away from it.
It's everywhere I go.
It's here right now.
In the corner.
I'm pretty sure that's your wife, sir.
My wife?
What does it want?
Maybe it's somehow trying to communicate.
Don't worry, we won't let anything happen to you.
Where did Pam Bondi go?
- What? - Pam Bondi! She's gone!
But she was sitting right here!
- Pam? - Pam?
Where's Pam Bondi?
I'm right here, sir!
- Look, it's back. - What's back?
You've got some shit on your nose again.
Oh, my God! What is going on?
That thing! It's not there anymore.
Good morning, seniors.
It's 6:30 a.m.
Rise and shine for your morning medication.
Ugh, God, 6:30?
Yeah, it fucking sucks, doesn't it?
Holy shit.
What?
Holy shit.
756,000 likes, you guys.
We just built a massive online community.
Wow. I can't believe how many people agree with us.
I thought we could get 50 or 60 kids from school to sign up,
but this is incredible.
All right, we've got everyone's attention.
So what do we do now?
What do you mean, dude? It's obvious.
It's time for phase two.
Hey, guys, if you've come here,
then you're likely joining the chorus of voices
that's fed up with the direction our town is going.
We all want change in our community.
And now there's an opportunity
to truly make your voices heard.
Introducing the South Park Sucks Now cryptocurrency coin.
This digital meme token is your way to be a part
of the fastest-growing community in America.
This used to be a great town before all the politics came
and ruined it all.
Get in on our crypto meme coin
with this incredible presale offer.
Each coin is just $9.95,
but could be worth ten times that overnight!
Wait, a meme coin?
Do you want South Park to change?
Then order your coin today at SouthParkSucksNow.com.
Stan Marsh is not a financial advisor
affiliated with any financial institution.
Digital assets are highly volatile
and may involve significant risk,
including loss of all funds.
Ownership of South Park Sucks Now Coin
does not represent equity, profit sharing, or ownership
of any company platform or project.
Participation is voluntary and should only be undertaken
by individuals who fully understand the risks
associated with block chain assets.
South Park Sucks Now Coin is not registered with
or regulated by the SEC or any financial authority.
Please review all disclosures and consult a licensed financial
advisor before engaging in digital asset transactions.
Ah, fuck!
- Fuck! - What?
It's the Woman in the Hat!
What are you talking about?
The Woman in the Hat!
She's in the fucking bathroom!
We've double checked everything, sir.
All the exterior doors are locked.
No windows have been breached.
And yet the president swears
something was in the room with him.
Is he going to be all right?
Pretty shaken.
Pam Bondi is in there now
trying to calm him down and make him feel better.
Pam?
Oh, my God!
Stan, what are we doing?
What do you mean, dude? We're trying to change things.
By selling cryptocurrency?
What's wrong with trying to make a little money
while also pointing out the things wrong with our town?
Yeah, what's wrong with that?
I have to do something, Kyle.
I'm nine years old and I live in a retirement home.
And you really think crypto is your way out?
Do you even know anything about how that stuff works?
Well, actually, we have a really strong crypto advisor...
your cousin on the east coast.
My cousin?
I'm back!
All right, looks like we've got a lot of movement
on your coin, boys.
The presale really popped.
We cleared 100 grand in volume before liquidity even locked.
The token's really got traction.
And we don't ever have to pay anything, right?
Nope, you never pay anything. You guys created the coin,
so all you do is profit from it.
See? I told you.
_
Now we just need to keep creating hype
around the South Park Sucks Now digital coin,
so we need to come up with things to give people FOMO
and make them ape even harder.
You guys, this isn't about a coin.
It's about a movement.
Oh, that's really good.
Yeah, yeah, that's perfect.
"This isn't about a coin. It's about a movement."
Yeah, that's some savvy Jew Jitsu right there.
So what kind of time frame are we looking at
to get our money?
I need it as fast as possible.
Well, I think we're looking at a classic rug pull
in just a few days.
Once we pump the coin high as it'll go,
then I can register for an MSB with the federal government.
The federal government? That sounds hard.
Oh, no, it's gonna be easy.
The crypto corruption at the White House is off the chain.
We're gonna screw a lot of people out of their money, boys.
It's gonna be fantastic.
Yes?
Uh, yes, we're paranormal investigators.
We've been asked to come and investigate
the mysterious Woman in the Hat.
I am Stephen Miller,
Senior Advisor to the President for Immigration
and Domestic Policy.
Won't you... come in?
Oh, my God, it's incredible.
Subject is showing some kind of viscous residue on her nose.
Well, what the fuck is it?
Sometimes there's a physical manifestation
of spiritual energy...
a bridge between the spiritual world and ours.
In this case, it appears to be some kind of rectoplasm.
Rectoplasm?
What is it made of?
It's unbelievable!
The rectoplasm seems to be 54% Filet-O-Fish sandwich!
Oh, my God!
I ate a Filet-O-Fish sandwich last night!
- Jesus! - And it's also...
28% Taco Bell.
Oh, my God!
I ate Taco Bell this morning!
What does it mean?
And it's 14% its own cum.
Oh, my God! I ate...
Hey! Pam! Deal with them!
This is a Fox News Super Alert!
Two paranormal investigators were indicted today
on federal charges of falsifying data.
The president said that the bad people manipulated readings
and reports to make fake news.
The charges were filed by Attorney General Pam Bondi,
who said that "the President is a great man,
even if he does eat his own semen."
In other news,
many people are saying that South Park sucks now.
The small mountain town in Colorado
has been a hotbed of political activity in recent weeks,
and three local Gen Alpha boys
are vowing to put a stop to it.
OK, we're mooning.
We're mooning...
All right, that's gotta be it.
OK, we're done mooning. I think we're ready to dump.
OK, sounds good.
I'm on the Acela train right now.
I should be in DC by 6:30 to meet with Don Jr.
Once I get White House approval,
we should be able to do the rug pull.
- I'm out, dude. - Kyle?
Kyle, wait!
Dude, you can't quit now.
Do you know how much money we're about to make?
I thought you were sick of the way South Park was going, Stan.
- I am! - So then why are you trying
to engineer a rug pull
in conjunction with the federal government?
Bro, it's the world we live in, OK?
I mean, at least we're being men
and taking some control.
Look at Kenny, he... he's doing stuff now!
Yeah, dude, I'm doing stuff!
I know it sucks to be living in an old folks home, Stan,
but you can't fix things
if you're only thinking about yourself.
Yes?
Uh, yes, I'm with the South Park Sucks Now cryptocurrency.
We're trying to fuck a bunch of people out of their money.
Is Don Jr. around?
Ah, yes, he's been expecting you.
Do come in.
Oh, Jesus, it's a little drafty in here.
You'll have to excuse the conditions.
The master has taken down the East Wing and unleashed a wrath.
Oh, Jesus! It's a mummy!
No, no, that's just the head of the FCC.
He's lost his freedom of speech.
Come. Don Jr. is... this way.
Thanks so much for taking my meeting, Don Jr.
We've got an incredible crypto opportunity here
and we just need your help taking a big dump.
That sounds really great.
There's nothing I like better than a big crypto dump.
So sorry I had to bug you this late in the evening,
but time really is of the essence here.
We need everyone to gather in the dining room.
Immediately.
In the dining room? Why?
We are going to have a séance.
It's time to confront the spirit here.
The... the spirit? What spirit?
_
Yeah, I can see the price is going down.
What the hell is he doing?
He's not answering?
Hello, you've reached Pump and Dump Crypto Advisors.
Let us know how we can help you fuck people over.
Just leave a message.
Dude, what is going on?
Our token's value totally peaked and it's starting to go down.
Whatever approval you have to get at the White House,
we need it now!
God damn it!
_
I don't know, Kenny, OK? Shut up already!
Oh, Jesus, this is a little creepy.
Are we having dinner? I'm allergic to dairy.
Everyone, please put your hands on the table.
I am speaking to the entity in this house.
Is this a good time to talk turkey?
I just need to go over some quick business.
We know you are sad.
We know you are... lonely.
But we must ask you to leave our president alone.
Oh, my God, this is really scary.
The President is a great man,
and he does not deserve to be tormented like this.
Pam! Pam!
Restless spirit,
we only wish to communicate!
Holy shit! She's right fucking there!
What is that?
Deception!
Boss, maybe we should stop this.
No! I wanna hear what it has to say.
Epstein!
- Uh, no, no. You're right. Let's stop this.
You!
What? You?
What did he do?
He lies!
Oh, you fucking bitch!
Corruption!
She's not possessed!
Pam Bondi's trying to get my fucking job!
Oh, I can't do this!
Lies!
I gotta get out of here!
Oh, God!
OK! OK! It's all true!
We've been dealing in deception and lies!
We've all been getting filthy rich off of crypto!
Oh, Jesus.
We've lied and we've cheated.
Crypto's just a giant money laundering scheme
for the rich to get richer.
Please don't haunt us anymore!
We're sorry.
We're all very sorry!
This is a Fox News!
Agh! America!
A massive crypto fraud has been exposed at the White House,
and the perpetrator has been indicted.
A ghostly wrath that was unleashed in the East Wing
exposed the traitor at a séance last night.
The traitor is now behind bars and serving 10 years for fraud.
Charges, of course, were once again filed by Pam Bondi,
who said, "We will continue to indict anyone
who says bad stuff about our amazing president."
I'm sorry, Kyle. I should have listened to you.
I guess there just no really going back
to the way things used to be.
Things will get back, Stan.
I know it's hard to see right now,
but things will go back to normal.
And in the meantime, we just have to make the most
of where we are.
All right, seniors, just move with the rhythm now.
? If I didn't care ?
Good! Good, seniors. Nice!
? More than words can say ?
? If I didn't care ?
? Would I feel this way? ?
? If this isn't love, then why ?
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