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Betsy! Betsy! Guess what?
My dad took me to the Asian pop-up store.
Look what I got.
Serenity Labubu.
- It's so cute! - Isn't it?
I was at the Asian pop-up too.
No way!
Yeah, look what I got.
The Loyalty Labubu!
My God, it's so cute!
- I know, right? - Yeah, I love it.
Dude, dude, check it out.
It's about to happen again.
Shit.
I actually have Loyalty Labubu already,
and I have a little costume for it.
That is seriously so cute.
Kenny, you guys, girls with Labubus.
It's about to happen again.
Come on!
And then, believe it or not,
I actually have Chestnut Cocoa Labubu.
No way! That is the rarest one.
Isn't it so cute?
So thinking cute! But it's really rare.
Are you sure it's not a knockoff?
Dog, here we go.
Yeah, I checked.
If anyone's fake, it's probably yours, you fat bitch.
- Suck it, skank! - Eat shit!
Stupid slut!
Yeah, yeah!
- Yeah, yeah! - Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, break it up, break it up!
She's rubbing everyone's noses in her Labubus.
Both of you to the counselor's office, now!
- She totally started it! - Oh my God.
Shut up. I did not.
She came up to me at my locker with her Labubu
and started talking shit.
You talk shit about my Labubus every day, whore.
Yeah, love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you.
Tell her to stop saying my Labubus are knockoffs.
I-I'm sorry, what is a Labubu?
It's a little monster accessory.
They come in blind boxes,
so you never know which one you're gonna get.
Like, you could just luck out
and get a Time to Chill Pajama Gold Labubu.
My God, that one is so cute.
It's so cute, right?
All right, ladies,
w-why don't you just give me the dolls
until the end of the school day?
That's not fair!
Go on out to recess.
You can pick up your Labubus after school.
Wow. What kind of counseling was that?
I don't know, Jesus sucks, dude.
Our old counselor was so much better.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, get some more over there.
This side's starting to fall.
We are the kings of the castle!
Let us in!
Hey, Butters.
Well, hey, Red.
Um, I was just wondering
what you're doing this weekend.
Who, me?
Yeah.
Um, I'm having a birthday party at my house,
and I was seeing if maybe you'd want to come hang out?
You're talking about me?
Yeah, I don't know, it's probably stupid.
I shouldn't have asked. Never mind.
No, no, I'd love to come hang out with you
on your birthday, Red.
Really? You would?
Well, sure!
Okay, that's great.
I'll text you all the details.
Okay, Red, I'll see you there.
Okay, and um,
maybe I'll text you my birthday wishlist, too,
in case, you know, you want to get me a present.
Sure thing!
My God, you guys,
Red wants to hang out with me!
That's incredible!
Bro, it seems like she really likes you.
"Really excited to see you Saturday."
- Me and Red. - Lucky.
"Here is my birthday gift wishlist."
"This exact Labubu."
Holy shit, you guys, you know what I think?
I think on Saturday I'm gonna find out if red-haired girls
have a red bush!
- Wow! - Wow!
Welcome to City Asian Pop-Up Store.
Can I take a order, please?
Wait, didn't this place used to be City Wok?
Yeah, but whole country change.
Didn't you hear the news?
Wok is dead.
This City Pop-Up now. What do you like to have?
We got City Pop-up key chains,
City cell phone charm,
City anime sculpture.
Well, actually, I'm looking for a Labubu.
Yeah, everyone love Labubu.
They real hard to keep in stock.
Very expensive 'cause of tariffs.
You know, it's really important.
I got this new girlfriend,
and she wants this specific Labubu for her birthday.
That very rare Labubu.
You only find that in a mystery box.
Mystery box?
Hi. Are you guys still serving food?
No, no, no, Wok is dead. Haven't you heard the news?
Can't I just buy this Labubu?
No, that not the way it work.
You buy mystery box, you open it,
hopefully you get the one you want.
Okay, how much is a mystery box?
$85.
85?
Yeah, you gotta pay tariff.
You think I pay tariff? No, no, no, no.
You pay tariff.
Well, okay, I'll take one.
_
Yeah, well, Wok is dead, you stupid bitch!
Stop nagging me!
Dang it!
This is the wrong one!
Yeah, that just Happiness Labubu.
Very common. Very common.
You try again, $85.
I have to pay another $85
and I still might not get the one I want?
Hey, it's not me, it's your government.
I don't get fucked by tariff.
You get fucked by tariff.
In China, we call that hot potato.
You're watching Fox News.
The president has just returned
from his historic tariff summit overseas.
There's the president now, looking handsome as ever.
And there's the Prince of Darkness,
who's been traveling with the president as of late.
The president has made his way off of Air Force One
and will now speak to a diverse crowd of reporters.
Mr. Pre... Mr. President, how did the tariff meetings go?
They went great, buddy!
Mr. President, we're all dying to know something.
Your wife, Melania, has been staying in New York
and away from the White House.
That's right!
Well, what Fox News really wants to know is
are you fucking Satan?
No! I'm not fucking Satan!
We're just sorta hanging out.
Come on, President Trump.
With everything you've been doing,
pretty much the whole country thinks you're fucking Satan now.
I'm not fucking Satan!
Can we go, please?
He is fucking Satan.
That guy's definitely fucking Satan.
What a stud.
Yeah, Fox News!
All right, everyone, listen up,
As you know, there's a lot being done in the country
to bring Christian values back to our schools.
Our new school counselor has some concerns
that I understand he'd like to voice.
Go ahead, Jesus.
Well, I'm just a bit confused
about the dramatic rise in fist fighting
over these Labubus.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
The Labubus.
Kids go nuts for 'em.
I just don't quite understand what the fascination is.
Well, they're just the new fad of the month, you know.
They make them scarce and hard to find a secret one.
Yeah, and then all the kids make their Labubu TikToks.
Labubu TikTok?
Yeah, the kids make 'em and they watch 'em.
I can pull one up.
This is Kelly Bronson from Mrs. Turner's class.
Hey, guys, this is another Labubu unboxing video!
I got this Labubu online.
I'm pretty sure it's not a Lafufu.
I got the QR code right here.
We're gonna see what we got. Hope it's a rare one.
If it is, I'm absolutely gonna freak out.
Okay, let's see, let's see, let's see!
My God!
Okay, okay, let's start the ritual.
What the hell was that?
That's a Labubu unboxing TikTok.
Kids go nuts for 'em.
But that's, like, some dark Satanic ritual.
Yeah, Labubus are demonic.
Yeah, dark magic.
I don't know if they come that way from China,
or the kids are infusing them with some Sumerian dark entity.
It's Mesopotamian.
Got it. So what are your major concerns, Jesus?
Bro.
That's not normal.
These kids are in trouble.
Yeah, that's why every school needs a counselor.
Welcome City Pop-Up. Take order, please.
I have $88.42 in here.
I need to buy another mystery box.
Sorry, Labubu mystery box $120.
What? It was $85!
Yeah, yeah, tariffs when up!
You never know with tariffs. They make no sense.
But that's not fair!
Yeah, no shit, tariffs not fair!
Please, sir, my girlfriend's party is today,
and I have to get the Labubu she wants.
Please!
It's okay, it's okay.
I have idea.
You want mystery box for cheap price?
You use claw machine.
You try your luck.
Use claw machine to get a mystery box,
open it up, hopefully you get good Labubu you want.
You so close.
Try again.
Jeez.
_
Here we go.
I get screwed by tariffs, so I have to screw the children!
What do you not understand?
_
Yeah, well, Wok's not coming back, bitch!
Go wok, go brok!
Thank you for coming, Mrs. Paxton, Mrs. Gray.
The reason I called you in today is because your girls were
in a major altercation over their Labubus.
Okay, so what are you gonna do about it?
Well, I was hoping we could work together
to maybe just keep them away from the Labubus.
Sure, just take their Labubus away.
Great counseling.
Look, I have reason to believe that the students are using
Labubus for some kind of... ritual.
Yeah, but to do that, you have to have a super rare one.
They're the only ones girls can use in dark rituals.
You know that they're demonic?
Yeah. What are we supposed to do?
My daughter sees Kelly Miller summoning demonic forces
on TikTok, then she wants to be like Kelly Miller.
Did Kelly Miller summon demonic forces?
I don't know, she hung herself.
Well, we should probably keep the girls off of TikTok.
Yeah, just keep 'em off TikTok.
That's some clever counseling there.
- Do you have kids? - No, I don't.
- Figures. - Well, when you do,
you try and keep 'em off of TikTok
and out of the Asian pop-up store.
Wait, what is an Asian pop-up store?
That's where the girls get all the Labubus.
Where did they find this guy?
We told you he was a crappy counselor
This is a Fox News Alert!
As debates on American tariffs continue,
the question on every American's mind tonight,
is President Trump fucking Satan?
The president's been seen less and less with his wife
and more often with his new pal,
making people all around the world say,
"Donald Trump has got to be fucking Satan, for sure."
Well, for all of us who are still skeptical
that President Trump is fucking Satan,
Fox News has obtained some footage
of President Trump seeming to be fucking Satan.
This was at a golf course yesterday
where the president was heroically golfing.
You can just make out Satan going behind a bush
and President Trump right there...
he's fucking Satan. Karen, what do you think?
I think the president is definitely fucking Satan,
and I love it.
Of course, a lot of Americans still argue
there's no way the president could be fucking Satan.
So we have a body language expert to show us
just how it is possible.
Well, if Mr. President Trump is fucking Satan...
and I'm not saying if he is or isn't.
I'm just kinda hoping he is...
he mostly likely is coming in from the back.
Now, Satan has a pretty large physical presence,
so we're pretty sure President Trump would have to get on top
and...
My God, the president is doing things
no other president has done before.
I love him.
If you don't think President Trump is fucking Satan,
this definitely proves how he could be!
Welcome to City Asian Pop-Up Store.
Take order, please.
Are you the one that has been selling all these Labubus
to my students?
Boy.
Look, it not my fault, these city prices, okay?
Labubus very expensive.
Those dolls you are selling are cursed!
Yeah, no shit they cursed.
It's called tariff. You pass it along.
I get the curse, I put the curse on you.
It's like AIDS.
My God, I got it!
I got the super rare!
Hey, what the hell you talking about?
This is the one my girlfriend wants!
Now I can take it to her birthday party!
My child, put that down, it's dangerous!
Hey, hey, hold on, that's super rare Labubu.
That worth, like, $600. You gotta pay more tariff.
_
My God, will you go away?
Listen, both of you!
There are more important issues at hand.
My child, you cannot take that to a birthday party.
Shit, where he go?
Satan?
Why are you so sad?
I wish to be gone from this place.
I do not understand.
If you do not want to be here,
then why do you stay?
I am forced to stay by the dark tides of destiny.
I wanted to leave months ago, but I cannot
because of what's in this box.
What's in the box?
The secret none must know,
and yet, all will soon discover.
I can feel the tides of change.
The final showdown is upon us.
Happy birthday, Red!
Butters.
Wait. Is that what I think it is?
Well, you'll have to wait till you open it to find out...
All right then.
I love you, Butters!
I got it, you guys!
- Wow! - It's so cool!
It's so cute!
I got the super rare,
all thanks to Butters.
So are you gonna do it?
Yeah! We're gonna go upstairs and do it!
Whoa! We're gonna what?
Come up to my room, Butters!
My God!
Hey, if anyone wants to watch us do it,
come on up!
- Okay, yeah. - Great.
This is all really sudden, Red!
Wait!
South Park Elementary. I'm sorry, we're closed.
Bev! I need to know which of the students
has a birthday today.
Who is this?
It's me, Jesus!
Who?
The school counselor!
I don't know who has a birthday today.
That was actually always the counselor's job.
Can you just look it up in the school records, please?
Hang on.
Guess I'm doing your job too now.
- Okay, okay. - My God.
I'm so excited to finally do it.
Well, yeah, I guess I'm excited to do it, too, Red.
Okay, I think we're all ready.
Here, you take a video of the whole thing.
Can't we just kiss first?
Hey! What's up, guys? This is my TikTok Labubu video.
I got the super rare, so let's see if it works.
Hey, we want to watch.
Yeah, come on in, you guys.
Labubu, Labubu.
- What the heck's going on? - Labubu, Labubu.
God!
Labubu, Labubu.
Here he comes!
We call the demonic forces!
Appear before us at my birthday party!
This is so cool!
Wait, that thing is fucking Satan?
No! I'm not fucking Satan!
This is a Fox News Super Alert!
We may just have another Trump and Satan spotting.
The two are rumored to be
in a small mountain town in the Rockies.
Let's go to our Colorado affiliate.
Yeah, guys, there's definitely black clouds
and swarms of locusts here.
Um, probably another Labubu party.
You know, whenever there's a Labubu party,
the president and Satan usually make an appearance.
We've got our eye in the sky now.
Guys, what are you seeing?
Yeah, you can see little girls
running and screaming.
The president just coming out onto the front lawn...
and yes, there is Satan.
They're definitely hanging out.
Come on, let's go!
Lucifer!
So...
it is you.
Just what are you doing, Satan?
I will know.
Okay, it looks like Jesus Christ is now on the scene
for some kind of biblical showdown.
I have seen your evil at work, Satan.
I bid you leave this realm at once.
You think I don't want to leave?
I am bound to him!
Bound to him how?
All right, fine! Here!
You all want to know the truth?
Yes! We're together!
We've been together for months,
and I want to leave him, but I can't
because...
I'm pregnant.
He's pregnant?
So now you all know.
I am forced to stay in this situation
for several more years.
Satan is saying he's been trapped at the White House
because he's pregnant.
Let's get our science expert in here
to see if that's actually possible.
Yeah, demonic pregnancies work a little different.
The term is "butt baby."
All right, well, that seems to be it.
Satan is pregnant with the president's child.
So Fox News can now confirm
Donald Trump has been fucking Satan this whole time.
Yeah!
This is a great day for Fox News.
Yes, Fox News!
For all the doubters who thought Donald Trump
wasn't fucking Satan,
in your face!
We're gonna check in now with Kid Rock.
Kid, you must be overcome with emotion.
I just... I just honestly didn't think
the president was fucking Satan, but
now knowing that he has been this whole time,
I'm just so happy.
Well, I hope you guys learned a valuable lesson.
If you mess around and you aren't safe,
it can have really big consequences.
Yeah, I'm not having sex for a long time.
And I'm done with Labubus.
Well, that's good, because as your counselor,
I'm banning Labubus from school.
And TikTok. And cell phones.
Now get back to class.
You both have detention for two weeks.
Man!
Wow, new counselor's kind of a dick.
Yeah, but he's better than the last guy.
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