Coming up next week on The Golden Bachelor...
I'm really excited to get back to Philly for my hometown visit.
I run a bar with my kids and my kids' friends.
And my roommate, who is also one of my kids' friends,
who we thought was my kid.
But we chucked his real dad off a cliff.
He was already soup by that point.
Anyway... I want us all to have a nice dinner, get to know each other.
It's gonna be a really classy affair.
We look forward to it.
So join us next week as we travel to Philadelphia
for Frank's hometown visit.
Well... ...you know what this means, guys.
- What? - We gotta get our shit together.
_
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- All right. - I don't know. I don't get it.
Like, why is he doing this?
Who knows? You know, fame, attention.
Maybe he just wants to bang a bunch of old ladies. It doesn't matter
'cause what does matter is how we come across when those cameras are rolling,
right? I mean, this is prime time TV we're talking about.
And we pop on something like this, all our hopes and dreams could come true.
I mean, hell... we live in a country where reality television
could be a pathway towards being the president.
Yeah. But what's with the scripts?
Yeah, so Frank said that he wanted to have a really classy dinner.
And, you know, we've struggled with that a little bit in the past, admittedly.
So I just jotted down some lines...
...some small talk for us to, you know, talk about over the dinner,
so that we can stay away from some of the danger zones.
I feel like this is gonna feel too scripted, you know?
-Yeah, I mean... -Well, it is.
Shouldn't it be a little bit more off the cuff?
- No. - Yeah. Like...
Like, the other day I was walking down by City Hall,
and I noticed this coyote was following me.
- Really? - Right down Market Street,
- in broad daylight. - In Market Street?
So I turned to this coyote. I got on my haunches,
'cause you gotta get down on your haunches.
You gotta meet them where they are. And I'm like, "Why are you following me?"
- Yeah! - I said, "Back off,
or I will stick my thumbs into your eyes." Which I've said to you before.
No, I don't think we should be regaling audiences with tales of animal abuse.
It was following him.
- I was the hunted, he was the hunter. - Okay. Well--
Dennis. Dennis. How come I don't have any lines?
You do.
"Hi, I'm Dee. Frank is a great dad." That's it.
- It's all you need. - No. It's not... It doesn't pop.
How am I supposed to pop with this? No, I need to be slinging zingers.
You guys, I have a new one about a Chinese guy and his optometrist--
God. No. Dee, stop doing that. No race jokes, no edge.
-You know, actually, no comedy at all. -What?
Well, we've moved past comedy as a society.
We don't want it anymore, we've decided.
You know, it makes us think too much about, you know, our current condition.
And then, really, we don't want to think about ourselves
because it makes us feel bad about ourselves.
- It's confusing. - So we project onto the people
that are making us think, and we cancel 'em.
- We get mad. - I'm with Dennis.
- Go woke, go broke. Right, Dennis? - Yeah, for sure, man.
No. Well, no. That's the opposite of what I'm saying.
It sounds like what you're saying.
That's pretty much what you're saying.
It's not. No. She said--
- We're already broke. - Yeah.
No, what I'm saying is if we go woke...
- We'll go broke? - ...we pop.
I want to know what all these, creams and bottles are.
- These... What are we doing? - Yes. Um, glad you asked, Charlie.
Um, those are various shampoos and tanning creams.
And, yeah, got some Nair hair removal in there, for any unsightly hairs.
What, me?
- Probably. - Well, sure. Yeah, you.
But, you know, all of you.
- Here's an idea, actually. - No, not me.
What if instead of getting all clean, I get more dirty.
And then Frank's like, "my God, he's dirty.
I'm concerned about him," you know?
You guys just aren't getting it, okay?
You're not getting it. All right, this is bigger than just looking good, okay?
The most important thing here is to not look bad.
Hollywood actually has a system for this already in place.
It's called the testing process. They get together. Focus group,
and they... Well, actually, we did a focus group for the last Thunder Gun movie,
- if you guys recall. - Yeah, yeah.
And they score us on a scale of one to one hundred.
Then we just keep refining the dinner over and over again,
until finally we land on the most perfect versions of ourselves
that will appeal to the widest possible audience and offend no one.
That is how you make great art.
_
Okay. Thank you all for coming.
So some of you have done these before, for movies.
And for some of you, I know it's your first time.
But, in a bit of an unorthodox move,
we will be watching a live performance today,
in preparation for the show The Golden Bachelor.
Okay, so let's begin the, The show.
- Tell 'em not to clap. - Excuse me?
Well, it's, you know, it's not a play. So, they shouldn't clap or,
you know, laugh out loud or groan or anything like that.
No. How are we supposed to know what they think is funny? Let 'em laugh.
Okay. They can laugh, but, you know, no claps.
I think we should keep the claps so we know what they love.
God. Jesus Christ. Dude, you really overdid it on the tanner.
- Well, it's a farmer's tan. - You're not a farmer.
But my guy is.
Your guy? What guy?
You know what? Just start.
Right. So, let's begin.
Okay.
Well, here we are.
Sure can't wait to see Frank.
I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.
If Frank likes her, I'll like her.
So, where are they?
Well, our lovable old pal Charlie is on his way over with them right now.
Speak of the devil.
Here they are. Come on in, guys. It's open.
He's so bald.
Hello, everybody.
Frank, Frank's date, come on in.
Thanks, Charlie. I'm starving.
Um, me too. Because I'm a slut who likes to shove things in her mouth.
Right.
So... Whoo!
What a day.
You guys will not believe what happened to me.
Okay. Well, I'm sure it's a very interesting story.
But we don't want to hear it, because we're here to talk to Frank.
I wanna hear Charlie's story because he looks crazy.
No, no, no, no. You don't want to hear his story,
because you were gonna tell us more about yourself.
- What happened to you? - You were gonna tell us more...
- Yes. - You were gonna tell us
- more about yourself. - I'm Mac. I love Jesus,
and therefore am not gay.
- What? - I am a farmer, and I plow the fields.
And that's why I have this farmer's tan, which plays in the fly-over states.
- That's good. - And I live with Dennis in a friendship,
man-to-man, non-gay role.
- Okay. Yeah. Let's not... - Right, Dennis?
The more he tries to hammer it home, the more it sounds like we do do it.
- There is no gay here. - It's irrelevant. He's gay, I'm straight.
- They just live together. - Yeah. Which is totally normal
- for two middle-aged men. - Right.
- They like when I'm funny. - Don't refer to them.
They like when I'm funny.
- Did you notice that? - No.
Hey, you guys wanna hear the one about the Chinaman's doctor?
- No, no. Hang on. - They don't.
That is so racist.
I yelled at a coyote the other day. Would anyone like to see a reenactment?
Yeah?
- This is a good story. - Yeah. It came at me, and I was like--
- Tell 'em what you said. - I was so super cool.
I was like, "Later, bro."
No, you screamed at it.
Well, this was a goddamn nightmare. I mean, Charlie, what happened, dude?
I confused the shampoo with the Nair hair removal.
And then, you know, it came off.
Jesus Christ, man. And, Mac, why are you back in the closet?
I wanted to appeal to the fly-over states.
Go woke, go broke. That's what you always say.
I don't say that, you say that, all right?
And people were confused, all right? They think we're a couple.
Okay. Well, maybe America is ready for us.
There is no us. Mac, stop trying to groom me, okay?
And please stop saying, "Go woke, go broke."
What'd we get? What was our score?
- Twenty-two. - Out of what?
Out of a goddamn 100!
- Is that low? - Yeah... That's very low.
This is exactly what I was talking about.
That's why I had a script.
That being said, you know, some of these comments are a little bit confusing.
I mean, like, they didn't like when I said, "Speak of the devil."
I didn't like that either. You know, you shouldn't speak of Satan.
- And you said, "speak of the devil." - He was speaking of the devil.
- I heard that too. - It's a figure of speech.
- You were speaking of Satan. - Yeah.
America doesn't like that, and I don't like that.
- I don't like to represent-- - I was speaking of the person--
So who tested the highest?
Well... Mac and Dee tested the highest, which is crazy.
Yeah!
- Well, well done. - I didn't say you tested high.
I said you tested the highest, you know.
Unbelievably, they thought Dee was funny, except for the goddamn Chinaman comment.
Which was completely inappropriate, bitch.
Listen, I can take a note. I'll go woke and I'll switch to clean comedy.
How about no comedy at all, okay? That's what's woke.
I mean, awaken to the fact that you're just not funny.
Nah.
- Dennis, what'd they like about me? - Yeah.
This one wanted to hear more about your bad boy tendencies?
- These have to be a mistake. - I am a bad boy.
Yeah. So you're gonna stick with the straight thing?
- I don't know. We'll see. - It's working for you.
- What'd they think about me? - Well, they thought you had cancer.
Why?
Because you do look like you have cancer.
And they were confused about the volleyballs.
I mean, they didn't know what that was.
That's crazy. What else confused them?
Goddamn everything! I mean,
they were very confused about mine and Mac's living arrangement for some reason.
Hey, quick question. Who scored the lowest?
- That's just completely unclear. - Can I see that?
- Just for a second. - You know... No.
You're not gonna get any information from it, Dee.
-It was Dennis. -It was Dennis?
Yeah, of course it was. Yeah. They thought he was bossy and he looked old.
I mean, somebody has to be the boss, right?
- Of dinner? - "Why was the old man so bossy?
He looked haggard."
No, no, no. You're... Now you're making stuff up.
"His features were so sunken,
it was hard to concentrate on the story."
Old? Haggard? No, these are...
No. That was a lighting thing.
I gave you guys the best lighting because I knew I looked the best,
and I wanted you guys to look good too. And I wanted them to...
They... No. Old? Come on. That's completely insane.
Get your shit together!
_
Okay. Thank you all for coming....
Most of you are new, and I think some of you may have been at the last show.
I guess you wanted to see this again. That's... That's good, I suppose.
Well, for those of you who are new...
Great crowd out there.
What are you wearing?
I'm going for the bad guy in Commando look.
You know, like, "Who's straighter than that?"
Dude, you look like Freddie Mercury.
Cool. He's like the straightest man alive.
He couldn't have been more gay. I mean, he was in a band called Queen.
You know what? If you want to look straight, go grab the duster or something.
- What's with the face tape? - This? Well, it's just, you know...
It's a way to kind of tighten the skin up a little bit.
Give me a more youthful appearance. You know what I mean?
Okay.
What is this?
It's just a clean comedy look. It's classic.
Can we not, okay? I mean, a rubber chicken?
- Are you ser... - Yeah. Come on.
- Is this tape coming off? Goddamn it. - You got tape on your face?
- Yeah, and it's not sticking very well. - I think you need more.
You think I need more of it?
Well, yeah. You said you wanted to look youthful, yeah?
Yeah. I don't want to look crazy. Maybe I'll just tighten it up a little bit.
- Yeah. - A little bit. Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay. All right. - Yeah.
So, without further ado, let's begin.
Stop.
Well. Here we are. I sure am excited to see Frank.
Gosh. I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.
Yeah. Frank likes her, I'll like her.
- Okay. - Yeah. I wonder where they are.
Well, our lovable old pal Charlie's on his way over with them right now.
Look at that.
Speak of the... Speak of the guy.
Here they are. It's open.
Hello, everybody.
Say hello to Frank and Frank's date.
Heya, gang.
- I'm getting paid for this, right? - Yeah, yeah.
Well, come on in. Hey, Charlie. How you doin', man?
Not sure why you're doing that accent, you know?
Pretty confusing, you know. I must not have heard you correctly,
because you are from right here in Philadelphia.
- No, that's not true actually. - It is.
No, I'm from Eastern European territory.
So, what's for dinner?
Beet soup, I hope.
- Stop it. - What are you doing?
I'm just talking in my natural European way.
I like it, because white people doing funny accents is not woke.
I thought we were doing woke.
Shut up!
Sorry about that.
So, Frank and Frank's date, I'm Dennis.
I live here with Mac in a totally age-appropriate and platonic relationship.
But like you, Frank, I hope to meet my special someone someday.
Yeah.
Where the hell did that come from?
Okay. It was funny. It was funny.
When I'm not palling around with Dennis platonically in the bedroom,
I like to strap on my leathers and perform badass stunts.
Would anyone like to see a backflip?
Okay. Well, hey now, let's not encourage him.
He can't actually do one.
- He can't. - Right? No, he can't.
So, guys, guess how much me and this broad banged boots?
Tell 'em, honey.
- What are you doing? - Do I have a line?
- No. - I didn't get a script.
No. Artemis, can you stick to the script?
The script's a little thin, so I'm trying to just ad-lib.
What are you doing?
I'm doing a goddamn backflip.
You can't stop me.
Because the power of Christ compels me.
- Badass. - Stop.
No.
Seventy-five. Am I reading that right?
- Yeah. That's a big improvement. - Wow. We did great.
It was a goddamn circus. What are you guys talking about?
No... Charlie, why did you do an accent?
Well, dude, I look weird. I don't feel like myself.
So I figured I'd be someone different.
Like that funny cousin in Perfect Strangers? Remember that guy?
- Yes. - Yeah. No, I like you doing a character,
but don't make it funny. I got the jokes covered.
- Do you, Dee? - I'm the funny...
Do you? Because this card says,
"The one in the plaid suit seemed sad and desperate.
And I was only laughing because I was so uncomfortable."
Yeah? You know what this one says?
- What? - "What's with the angry man
with the old face who's constantly yelling at his boyfriend?"
I could not have made it more clear that he's not my boyfriend!
- You kept saying it over and over. - My God.
And how could I possibly look old? I mean, no.
Who scored the highest?
I think you did.
Yeah? Let me see.
"I love when the vampire slayer busted out the crucifix on his old vampire lover."
Me? "Old vampire lover"?
Let's lean into that. Yeah, I can be like a vanilla Blade,
and I could stab you in the heart with the crucifix and be...
- Stop! Goddamn it. - And then you kiss...
For the love of God, stop.
Okay, all right. You know what?
You two will limit your exchanges
to "hello," "yes" and "no." And that's it.
And the rest of you will refrain from doing accents or personas of any kind.
I will do all the costumes, hair and makeup.
And there will be no other surprises at all.
And so help me God, we will get this right!
I mean, I get a vampire vibe off that, right?
- Do you not? - We're gonna get slashed.
Yeah, like a Count Dracula thing.
_
Okay. Thank you all for coming.
I see mostly familiar faces, so welcome back.
That crowd is amped.
- Yeah, well... - Yeah?
Too bad Dennis cut everything they liked.
Come on, Dee. No, trust me. Trust me. Guys, this is exactly what America wants.
Didn't it start, like, here, and then go up and over? Like it would...
No, no. I mean, you're not a werewolf.
I'm thinking of Teen Wolf, aren't I?
- I think so. Yeah. - I'm just blown away, man.
I just, like, don't know how you got the wig that good, you know?
Like, do you wear a wig? This is crazy, dude.
Do I wear a wig? No. Nonsense.
- For real, though. Do you? - Stop!
Dude. All right, fine, man. I'm just thinking, it's so good, man.
- Just... - All right, the show's gonna start.
Do you have time to do yourself, and then we'll get going?
What do you mean? I did do me.
- You're all done? - Yeah, I put the... Do I need more tape?
Well...
- We should bow. We should bow. - Absolutely.
- No, don't bow. Don't bow. - But they're clapping so much.
I know. Don't, like... Don't even notice that they're there.
You take my chicken?
Mac. I bet you have a boom box under that table, don't you?
- Nope. - Yeah, you do. Let me see it.
- I don't have one. - Let me see it.
- You better do it, dude. - Just do it.
I was... I was gonna play a cool song.
- Let's see what you were gonna play. - It was fun and cool.
- Kid Rock. How fun. - Bawitdaba...
But we're not doing that. This is gonna be a classy evening,
so I came prepared with something a little different.
There we go. Isn't that nice?
- I guess. - Yeah.
Well, here we are. I'm so excited to see Frank.
Yeah. I can't wait to meet the lucky lady.
- If Frank likes her, I'll like her. - Yeah.
So where are they?
Here they are. Speak of... It's open.
Well, hello. Hey, guys.
Welcome. Come on in.
Yeah, close the door. Yeah. Good.
- Like we rehearsed. - Hello.
Hello.
Wonderful. Well, I'm Dennis.
And, this is my apartment. I live here with my friend, Mac.
My longtime friend. But not eternal, you know.
'Cause we're not vampires. Obviously.
That... That'd be crazy. Um...
But, yeah. Soon to have our own places.
But not because we're poor. But because we're economically savvy.
And... But still quite young.
Dee, you-you were saying?
Hi, I'm Dee. Frank was a great father.
No.
You got a great sense of humor, Frank. No.
Hey, Charlie. You had a--
Shoot, do I have a line?
No, you were just gonna say something off the cuff, I think.
I don't remember what it... I'll make something up. Um...
Hey, Frank's date. Where are you from?
Hello, hello.
- Yes. Hello, hi. Hi, hello. Yeah, hi! - Hello.
- Hi! - Hi! Hello!
What is this?
It's--
Well, you don't talk. I mean, what are you doing, man?
The audience never talks to the cast of the show.
Perhaps a flip to lighten the mood?
- Yeah. - Yes.
No, no, no, no, no. You're not gonna do a flip.
Because it doesn't make sense to do a flip in the middle of a dinner
for no reason.
- Let your boyfriend flip. - Yeah!
- He's not my boyfriend! - I'm with this guy. Let him flip.
What are you doing?
- Stop it. - And add one flip. You know what I mean?
- Let him do just one flip. - All right, I'll do one. A quick accent.
No, you're not listening! You don't understand!
You're not getting this.
We are not lovers.
We're simply roommates, you see.
It's not so difficult to understand. Not so difficult at all.
Two men entwined only by the walls that house us
and the passage of time.
That is all. Nothing more.
We are all classy men and women alike.
But none more classy than me. Refined and dignified
and not the least bit abnormal in any way.
I need you to see this.
Yes?
All is well and palatable and good.
You must know this
and you must reflect it as such on the cards that you've been given.
Do you understand? I need this of you.
You must make it so.
There was another show...
by the name of Family Fight
and I was not properly represented on that show
and I cannot and will... not abide another failure of that magnitude.
I just need you to see me as... I am.
I need this. I need this from you.
I...
I need this from you. Please.
This is amazing.
What the fuck's he doing?
So that's why you've been so crazed? Because you panicked on Family Fight?
Yes, dude. You don't understand the humiliation.
I hope for your sake you never do.
Dee, how'd we score this time?
- Three. - Three what?
The number three out of a hundred.
- That's it? - Yeah, they hated it.
Dennis scared the shit out of 'em.
Well, look, man, forget it. Like, can we just be us, okay?
We're trying to please everybody and, like, that never works, man.
Like people need to get ya or they don't get ya.
- You know what I'm saying? - Yes.
All right. Yeah.
Does anybody else think it's weird that they haven't showed up yet?
- That who hasn't showed up? - Yeah.
Frank, the producers. The entire TV show.
I mean, we've been doing this whole thing for a while now.
Shit. Yeah, they should've been here by now. What's it been, like, a week?
It's been a month.
- We've been doing this for a month? - Yeah, it's been a month.
- I think it's been a solid month. - Look up the show. Look it up.
I'm gonna look it up. Give me a sec.
That episode aired two weeks ago.
- That's the hometown visit? - Yes.
What the--
This is a big day for me! I can't wait to see my--
There's my family. It's so, so nice to see you.
- Dad. - It's so good to see you.
- Guys. - What the--
- Who the hell are these people? - He replaced us.
- He replaced us? - It is so good to see you.
They would never do anything to embarrass me in any way.
- Dude. - Yeah.
I guess he went woke. And he didn't go broke.
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