1 00:00:18,151 --> 00:00:21,121 Coming up next week on The Golden Bachelor... 2 00:00:21,154 --> 00:00:24,677 I'm really excited to get back to Philly for my hometown visit. 3 00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:28,329 I run a bar with my kids and my kids' friends. 4 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:31,398 And my roommate, who is also one of my kids' friends, 5 00:00:31,431 --> 00:00:34,101 who we thought was my kid. 6 00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:36,609 But we chucked his real dad off a cliff. 7 00:00:36,633 --> 00:00:38,606 He was already soup by that point. 8 00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:43,677 Anyway... I want us all to have a nice dinner, get to know each other. 9 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:47,511 It's gonna be a really classy affair. 10 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,784 We look forward to it. 11 00:00:50,809 --> 00:00:53,236 So join us next week as we travel to Philadelphia 12 00:00:53,260 --> 00:00:55,027 for Frank's hometown visit. 13 00:00:55,715 --> 00:00:58,651 Well... ...you know what this means, guys. 14 00:00:59,311 --> 00:01:01,847 - What? - We gotta get our shit together. 15 00:01:03,121 --> 00:01:06,078 _ 16 00:01:06,103 --> 00:01:12,103 credits 17 00:01:26,165 --> 00:01:28,360 - All right. - I don't know. I don't get it. 18 00:01:28,385 --> 00:01:29,533 Like, why is he doing this? 19 00:01:29,558 --> 00:01:31,315 Who knows? You know, fame, attention. 20 00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:33,174 Maybe he just wants to bang a bunch of old ladies. It doesn't matter 21 00:01:33,199 --> 00:01:36,945 'cause what does matter is how we come across when those cameras are rolling, 22 00:01:36,970 --> 00:01:39,099 right? I mean, this is prime time TV we're talking about. 23 00:01:39,124 --> 00:01:42,072 And we pop on something like this, all our hopes and dreams could come true. 24 00:01:42,097 --> 00:01:45,200 I mean, hell... we live in a country where reality television 25 00:01:45,225 --> 00:01:46,929 could be a pathway towards being the president. 26 00:01:46,954 --> 00:01:48,462 Yeah. But what's with the scripts? 27 00:01:48,487 --> 00:01:51,984 Yeah, so Frank said that he wanted to have a really classy dinner. 28 00:01:52,009 --> 00:01:55,780 And, you know, we've struggled with that a little bit in the past, admittedly. 29 00:01:55,805 --> 00:01:57,840 So I just jotted down some lines... 30 00:01:57,865 --> 00:02:00,535 ...some small talk for us to, you know, talk about over the dinner, 31 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:03,327 so that we can stay away from some of the danger zones. 32 00:02:03,352 --> 00:02:05,547 I feel like this is gonna feel too scripted, you know? 33 00:02:05,572 --> 00:02:06,920 -Yeah, I mean... -Well, it is. 34 00:02:06,945 --> 00:02:09,187 Shouldn't it be a little bit more off the cuff? 35 00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,134 - No. - Yeah. Like... 36 00:02:10,159 --> 00:02:12,349 Like, the other day I was walking down by City Hall, 37 00:02:12,374 --> 00:02:14,349 and I noticed this coyote was following me. 38 00:02:14,374 --> 00:02:15,679 - Really? - Right down Market Street, 39 00:02:15,704 --> 00:02:17,048 - in broad daylight. - In Market Street? 40 00:02:17,073 --> 00:02:18,905 So I turned to this coyote. I got on my haunches, 41 00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:20,498 'cause you gotta get down on your haunches. 42 00:02:20,523 --> 00:02:23,531 You gotta meet them where they are. And I'm like, "Why are you following me?" 43 00:02:23,556 --> 00:02:25,061 - Yeah! - I said, "Back off, 44 00:02:25,086 --> 00:02:28,616 or I will stick my thumbs into your eyes." Which I've said to you before. 45 00:02:28,641 --> 00:02:34,653 No, I don't think we should be regaling audiences with tales of animal abuse. 46 00:02:34,678 --> 00:02:35,506 It was following him. 47 00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:37,373 - I was the hunted, he was the hunter. - Okay. Well-- 48 00:02:37,398 --> 00:02:40,215 Dennis. Dennis. How come I don't have any lines? 49 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:41,374 You do. 50 00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:45,142 "Hi, I'm Dee. Frank is a great dad." That's it. 51 00:02:46,493 --> 00:02:49,363 - It's all you need. - No. It's not... It doesn't pop. 52 00:02:49,388 --> 00:02:51,790 How am I supposed to pop with this? No, I need to be slinging zingers. 53 00:02:51,815 --> 00:02:54,490 You guys, I have a new one about a Chinese guy and his optometrist-- 54 00:02:54,515 --> 00:02:58,053 God. No. Dee, stop doing that. No race jokes, no edge. 55 00:02:58,078 --> 00:03:00,100 -You know, actually, no comedy at all. -What? 56 00:03:00,125 --> 00:03:02,294 Well, we've moved past comedy as a society. 57 00:03:02,319 --> 00:03:04,180 We don't want it anymore, we've decided. 58 00:03:04,205 --> 00:03:07,517 You know, it makes us think too much about, you know, our current condition. 59 00:03:07,542 --> 00:03:09,614 And then, really, we don't want to think about ourselves 60 00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:11,378 because it makes us feel bad about ourselves. 61 00:03:11,403 --> 00:03:13,187 - It's confusing. - So we project onto the people 62 00:03:13,212 --> 00:03:15,613 that are making us think, and we cancel 'em. 63 00:03:15,638 --> 00:03:17,343 - We get mad. - I'm with Dennis. 64 00:03:17,368 --> 00:03:19,556 - Go woke, go broke. Right, Dennis? - Yeah, for sure, man. 65 00:03:19,581 --> 00:03:22,427 No. Well, no. That's the opposite of what I'm saying. 66 00:03:22,502 --> 00:03:24,071 It sounds like what you're saying. 67 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:24,805 That's pretty much what you're saying. 68 00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:26,273 It's not. No. She said-- 69 00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:28,842 - We're already broke. - Yeah. 70 00:03:28,867 --> 00:03:30,802 No, what I'm saying is if we go woke... 71 00:03:31,785 --> 00:03:33,453 - We'll go broke? - ...we pop. 72 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:37,591 I want to know what all these, creams and bottles are. 73 00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:40,840 - These... What are we doing? - Yes. Um, glad you asked, Charlie. 74 00:03:40,865 --> 00:03:43,313 Um, those are various shampoos and tanning creams. 75 00:03:43,338 --> 00:03:47,692 And, yeah, got some Nair hair removal in there, for any unsightly hairs. 76 00:03:47,717 --> 00:03:48,751 What, me? 77 00:03:49,303 --> 00:03:51,272 - Probably. - Well, sure. Yeah, you. 78 00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:52,562 But, you know, all of you. 79 00:03:52,587 --> 00:03:54,061 - Here's an idea, actually. - No, not me. 80 00:03:54,086 --> 00:03:57,256 What if instead of getting all clean, I get more dirty. 81 00:03:57,281 --> 00:03:59,397 And then Frank's like, "my God, he's dirty. 82 00:03:59,422 --> 00:04:00,891 I'm concerned about him," you know? 83 00:04:00,916 --> 00:04:02,376 You guys just aren't getting it, okay? 84 00:04:02,401 --> 00:04:06,637 You're not getting it. All right, this is bigger than just looking good, okay? 85 00:04:06,792 --> 00:04:09,796 The most important thing here is to not look bad. 86 00:04:09,821 --> 00:04:12,553 Hollywood actually has a system for this already in place. 87 00:04:12,578 --> 00:04:15,281 It's called the testing process. They get together. Focus group, 88 00:04:15,306 --> 00:04:18,434 and they... Well, actually, we did a focus group for the last Thunder Gun movie, 89 00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:19,994 - if you guys recall. - Yeah, yeah. 90 00:04:20,019 --> 00:04:22,324 And they score us on a scale of one to one hundred. 91 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:25,474 Then we just keep refining the dinner over and over again, 92 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:29,136 until finally we land on the most perfect versions of ourselves 93 00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:33,373 that will appeal to the widest possible audience and offend no one. 94 00:04:33,547 --> 00:04:37,553 That is how you make great art. 95 00:04:38,916 --> 00:04:40,664 _ 96 00:04:40,689 --> 00:04:42,729 Okay. Thank you all for coming. 97 00:04:42,829 --> 00:04:45,966 So some of you have done these before, for movies. 98 00:04:45,991 --> 00:04:48,494 And for some of you, I know it's your first time. 99 00:04:48,519 --> 00:04:51,188 But, in a bit of an unorthodox move, 100 00:04:51,213 --> 00:04:53,950 we will be watching a live performance today, 101 00:04:53,975 --> 00:04:56,398 in preparation for the show The Golden Bachelor. 102 00:04:58,158 --> 00:05:02,792 Okay, so let's begin the, The show. 103 00:05:07,181 --> 00:05:09,216 - Tell 'em not to clap. - Excuse me? 104 00:05:09,556 --> 00:05:12,821 Well, it's, you know, it's not a play. So, they shouldn't clap or, 105 00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:14,715 you know, laugh out loud or groan or anything like that. 106 00:05:14,740 --> 00:05:17,609 No. How are we supposed to know what they think is funny? Let 'em laugh. 107 00:05:18,992 --> 00:05:21,125 Okay. They can laugh, but, you know, no claps. 108 00:05:21,150 --> 00:05:23,486 I think we should keep the claps so we know what they love. 109 00:05:23,511 --> 00:05:26,214 God. Jesus Christ. Dude, you really overdid it on the tanner. 110 00:05:26,239 --> 00:05:27,847 - Well, it's a farmer's tan. - You're not a farmer. 111 00:05:27,872 --> 00:05:28,940 But my guy is. 112 00:05:28,965 --> 00:05:30,431 Your guy? What guy? 113 00:05:30,456 --> 00:05:31,890 You know what? Just start. 114 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:36,570 Right. So, let's begin. 115 00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:48,315 Okay. 116 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,621 Well, here we are. 117 00:05:56,517 --> 00:05:58,052 Sure can't wait to see Frank. 118 00:05:58,077 --> 00:05:59,707 I can't wait to meet the lucky lady. 119 00:05:59,732 --> 00:06:01,400 If Frank likes her, I'll like her. 120 00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,152 So, where are they? 121 00:06:04,177 --> 00:06:07,509 Well, our lovable old pal Charlie is on his way over with them right now. 122 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,830 Speak of the devil. 123 00:06:11,561 --> 00:06:13,663 Here they are. Come on in, guys. It's open. 124 00:06:15,968 --> 00:06:17,203 He's so bald. 125 00:06:17,937 --> 00:06:19,438 Hello, everybody. 126 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:23,466 Frank, Frank's date, come on in. 127 00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,688 Thanks, Charlie. I'm starving. 128 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:31,679 Um, me too. Because I'm a slut who likes to shove things in her mouth. 129 00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:34,327 Right. 130 00:06:35,535 --> 00:06:36,964 So... Whoo! 131 00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,400 What a day. 132 00:06:40,547 --> 00:06:43,538 You guys will not believe what happened to me. 133 00:06:44,177 --> 00:06:46,446 Okay. Well, I'm sure it's a very interesting story. 134 00:06:46,471 --> 00:06:48,807 But we don't want to hear it, because we're here to talk to Frank. 135 00:06:48,832 --> 00:06:50,901 I wanna hear Charlie's story because he looks crazy. 136 00:06:50,926 --> 00:06:53,172 No, no, no, no. You don't want to hear his story, 137 00:06:53,197 --> 00:06:54,818 because you were gonna tell us more about yourself. 138 00:06:54,843 --> 00:06:56,612 - What happened to you? - You were gonna tell us more... 139 00:06:56,637 --> 00:06:57,844 - Yes. - You were gonna tell us 140 00:06:57,869 --> 00:07:01,228 - more about yourself. - I'm Mac. I love Jesus, 141 00:07:01,253 --> 00:07:03,390 and therefore am not gay. 142 00:07:03,415 --> 00:07:06,635 - What? - I am a farmer, and I plow the fields. 143 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:12,099 And that's why I have this farmer's tan, which plays in the fly-over states. 144 00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:16,170 - That's good. - And I live with Dennis in a friendship, 145 00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:19,118 man-to-man, non-gay role. 146 00:07:19,143 --> 00:07:21,345 - Okay. Yeah. Let's not... - Right, Dennis? 147 00:07:21,370 --> 00:07:24,263 The more he tries to hammer it home, the more it sounds like we do do it. 148 00:07:24,288 --> 00:07:26,957 - There is no gay here. - It's irrelevant. He's gay, I'm straight. 149 00:07:26,982 --> 00:07:29,218 - They just live together. - Yeah. Which is totally normal 150 00:07:29,243 --> 00:07:31,011 - for two middle-aged men. - Right. 151 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,689 - They like when I'm funny. - Don't refer to them. 152 00:07:35,722 --> 00:07:36,844 They like when I'm funny. 153 00:07:36,869 --> 00:07:37,810 - Did you notice that? - No. 154 00:07:37,835 --> 00:07:40,702 Hey, you guys wanna hear the one about the Chinaman's doctor? 155 00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:42,229 - No, no. Hang on. - They don't. 156 00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:43,329 That is so racist. 157 00:07:43,354 --> 00:07:47,088 I yelled at a coyote the other day. Would anyone like to see a reenactment? 158 00:07:48,348 --> 00:07:49,449 Yeah? 159 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:53,073 - This is a good story. - Yeah. It came at me, and I was like-- 160 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,209 - Tell 'em what you said. - I was so super cool. 161 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,144 I was like, "Later, bro." 162 00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:58,805 No, you screamed at it. 163 00:08:02,196 --> 00:08:05,327 Well, this was a goddamn nightmare. I mean, Charlie, what happened, dude? 164 00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:08,589 I confused the shampoo with the Nair hair removal. 165 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,724 And then, you know, it came off. 166 00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:14,094 Jesus Christ, man. And, Mac, why are you back in the closet? 167 00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:15,629 I wanted to appeal to the fly-over states. 168 00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,364 Go woke, go broke. That's what you always say. 169 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,400 I don't say that, you say that, all right? 170 00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:21,702 And people were confused, all right? They think we're a couple. 171 00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:24,986 Okay. Well, maybe America is ready for us. 172 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,576 There is no us. Mac, stop trying to groom me, okay? 173 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,711 And please stop saying, "Go woke, go broke." 174 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,313 What'd we get? What was our score? 175 00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:34,114 - Twenty-two. - Out of what? 176 00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:35,783 Out of a goddamn 100! 177 00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:38,218 - Is that low? - Yeah... That's very low. 178 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,254 This is exactly what I was talking about. 179 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:41,992 That's why I had a script. 180 00:08:42,017 --> 00:08:44,577 That being said, you know, some of these comments are a little bit confusing. 181 00:08:44,602 --> 00:08:46,635 I mean, like, they didn't like when I said, "Speak of the devil." 182 00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,318 I didn't like that either. You know, you shouldn't speak of Satan. 183 00:08:49,343 --> 00:08:52,013 - And you said, "speak of the devil." - He was speaking of the devil. 184 00:08:52,038 --> 00:08:54,007 - I heard that too. - It's a figure of speech. 185 00:08:54,032 --> 00:08:55,534 - You were speaking of Satan. - Yeah. 186 00:08:55,559 --> 00:08:57,393 America doesn't like that, and I don't like that. 187 00:08:57,418 --> 00:08:58,853 - I don't like to represent-- - I was speaking of the person-- 188 00:08:58,878 --> 00:09:00,177 So who tested the highest? 189 00:09:00,535 --> 00:09:04,253 Well... Mac and Dee tested the highest, which is crazy. 190 00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:06,080 Yeah! 191 00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:08,115 - Well, well done. - I didn't say you tested high. 192 00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,807 I said you tested the highest, you know. 193 00:09:09,832 --> 00:09:12,841 Unbelievably, they thought Dee was funny, except for the goddamn Chinaman comment. 194 00:09:12,866 --> 00:09:14,493 Which was completely inappropriate, bitch. 195 00:09:14,518 --> 00:09:17,264 Listen, I can take a note. I'll go woke and I'll switch to clean comedy. 196 00:09:17,289 --> 00:09:19,377 How about no comedy at all, okay? That's what's woke. 197 00:09:19,402 --> 00:09:22,204 I mean, awaken to the fact that you're just not funny. 198 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:23,362 Nah. 199 00:09:23,387 --> 00:09:24,822 - Dennis, what'd they like about me? - Yeah. 200 00:09:25,430 --> 00:09:28,602 This one wanted to hear more about your bad boy tendencies? 201 00:09:28,635 --> 00:09:30,704 - These have to be a mistake. - I am a bad boy. 202 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,706 Yeah. So you're gonna stick with the straight thing? 203 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,497 - I don't know. We'll see. - It's working for you. 204 00:09:34,522 --> 00:09:37,052 - What'd they think about me? - Well, they thought you had cancer. 205 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,397 Why? 206 00:09:38,422 --> 00:09:41,005 Because you do look like you have cancer. 207 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:43,183 And they were confused about the volleyballs. 208 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:44,485 I mean, they didn't know what that was. 209 00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:46,086 That's crazy. What else confused them? 210 00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:47,209 Goddamn everything! I mean, 211 00:09:47,234 --> 00:09:50,357 they were very confused about mine and Mac's living arrangement for some reason. 212 00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:53,717 Hey, quick question. Who scored the lowest? 213 00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,765 - That's just completely unclear. - Can I see that? 214 00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,500 - Just for a second. - You know... No. 215 00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:01,735 You're not gonna get any information from it, Dee. 216 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,162 -It was Dennis. -It was Dennis? 217 00:10:03,187 --> 00:10:06,915 Yeah, of course it was. Yeah. They thought he was bossy and he looked old. 218 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,609 I mean, somebody has to be the boss, right? 219 00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,778 - Of dinner? - "Why was the old man so bossy? 220 00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:12,097 He looked haggard." 221 00:10:12,122 --> 00:10:13,655 No, no, no. You're... Now you're making stuff up. 222 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,072 "His features were so sunken, 223 00:10:15,097 --> 00:10:16,758 it was hard to concentrate on the story." 224 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:19,061 Old? Haggard? No, these are... 225 00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:20,812 No. That was a lighting thing. 226 00:10:20,837 --> 00:10:23,357 I gave you guys the best lighting because I knew I looked the best, 227 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,659 and I wanted you guys to look good too. And I wanted them to... 228 00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:29,006 They... No. Old? Come on. That's completely insane. 229 00:10:29,949 --> 00:10:31,785 Get your shit together! 230 00:10:33,611 --> 00:10:35,611 _ 231 00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,905 Okay. Thank you all for coming.... 232 00:10:37,930 --> 00:10:43,178 Most of you are new, and I think some of you may have been at the last show. 233 00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:47,741 I guess you wanted to see this again. That's... That's good, I suppose. 234 00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:50,117 Well, for those of you who are new... 235 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,149 Great crowd out there. 236 00:10:53,496 --> 00:10:54,829 What are you wearing? 237 00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:57,232 I'm going for the bad guy in Commando look. 238 00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,759 You know, like, "Who's straighter than that?" 239 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,425 Dude, you look like Freddie Mercury. 240 00:11:00,450 --> 00:11:02,376 Cool. He's like the straightest man alive. 241 00:11:02,401 --> 00:11:04,737 He couldn't have been more gay. I mean, he was in a band called Queen. 242 00:11:04,762 --> 00:11:07,442 You know what? If you want to look straight, go grab the duster or something. 243 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:10,104 - What's with the face tape? - This? Well, it's just, you know... 244 00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,172 It's a way to kind of tighten the skin up a little bit. 245 00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:14,608 Give me a more youthful appearance. You know what I mean? 246 00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:15,675 Okay. 247 00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,745 What is this? 248 00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:19,747 It's just a clean comedy look. It's classic. 249 00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,784 Can we not, okay? I mean, a rubber chicken? 250 00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,702 - Are you ser... - Yeah. Come on. 251 00:11:25,728 --> 00:11:27,923 - Is this tape coming off? Goddamn it. - You got tape on your face? 252 00:11:27,948 --> 00:11:29,717 - Yeah, and it's not sticking very well. - I think you need more. 253 00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:31,794 You think I need more of it? 254 00:11:31,819 --> 00:11:34,384 Well, yeah. You said you wanted to look youthful, yeah? 255 00:11:34,528 --> 00:11:37,464 Yeah. I don't want to look crazy. Maybe I'll just tighten it up a little bit. 256 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,099 - Yeah. - A little bit. Yeah. 257 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,634 - Yeah. Okay. All right. - Yeah. 258 00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:43,716 So, without further ado, let's begin. 259 00:11:57,351 --> 00:11:58,351 Stop. 260 00:12:11,919 --> 00:12:16,503 Well. Here we are. I sure am excited to see Frank. 261 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,639 Gosh. I can't wait to meet the lucky lady. 262 00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:20,741 Yeah. Frank likes her, I'll like her. 263 00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,939 - Okay. - Yeah. I wonder where they are. 264 00:12:22,964 --> 00:12:26,922 Well, our lovable old pal Charlie's on his way over with them right now. 265 00:12:28,561 --> 00:12:29,581 Look at that. 266 00:12:29,606 --> 00:12:33,258 Speak of the... Speak of the guy. 267 00:12:34,301 --> 00:12:35,831 Here they are. It's open. 268 00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,954 Hello, everybody. 269 00:12:40,186 --> 00:12:42,722 Say hello to Frank and Frank's date. 270 00:12:43,670 --> 00:12:44,738 Heya, gang. 271 00:12:44,852 --> 00:12:47,185 - I'm getting paid for this, right? - Yeah, yeah. 272 00:12:48,302 --> 00:12:50,771 Well, come on in. Hey, Charlie. How you doin', man? 273 00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:53,741 Not sure why you're doing that accent, you know? 274 00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:56,210 Pretty confusing, you know. I must not have heard you correctly, 275 00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,112 because you are from right here in Philadelphia. 276 00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,080 - No, that's not true actually. - It is. 277 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,583 No, I'm from Eastern European territory. 278 00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:04,618 So, what's for dinner? 279 00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,077 Beet soup, I hope. 280 00:13:06,102 --> 00:13:08,571 - Stop it. - What are you doing? 281 00:13:08,596 --> 00:13:11,358 I'm just talking in my natural European way. 282 00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:13,627 I like it, because white people doing funny accents is not woke. 283 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:14,963 I thought we were doing woke. 284 00:13:14,988 --> 00:13:16,289 Shut up! 285 00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:19,732 Sorry about that. 286 00:13:20,879 --> 00:13:23,879 So, Frank and Frank's date, I'm Dennis. 287 00:13:24,907 --> 00:13:29,243 I live here with Mac in a totally age-appropriate and platonic relationship. 288 00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:32,820 But like you, Frank, I hope to meet my special someone someday. 289 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:34,987 Yeah. 290 00:13:37,844 --> 00:13:39,513 Where the hell did that come from? 291 00:13:41,649 --> 00:13:45,059 Okay. It was funny. It was funny. 292 00:13:45,092 --> 00:13:47,628 When I'm not palling around with Dennis platonically in the bedroom, 293 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:51,346 I like to strap on my leathers and perform badass stunts. 294 00:13:51,371 --> 00:13:53,472 Would anyone like to see a backflip? 295 00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:59,240 Okay. Well, hey now, let's not encourage him. 296 00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:00,708 He can't actually do one. 297 00:14:00,741 --> 00:14:02,199 - He can't. - Right? No, he can't. 298 00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:10,825 So, guys, guess how much me and this broad banged boots? 299 00:14:10,871 --> 00:14:11,938 Tell 'em, honey. 300 00:14:12,426 --> 00:14:13,994 - What are you doing? - Do I have a line? 301 00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,314 - No. - I didn't get a script. 302 00:14:15,339 --> 00:14:17,492 No. Artemis, can you stick to the script? 303 00:14:17,517 --> 00:14:19,786 The script's a little thin, so I'm trying to just ad-lib. 304 00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:23,397 What are you doing? 305 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,232 I'm doing a goddamn backflip. 306 00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:26,600 You can't stop me. 307 00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:29,069 Because the power of Christ compels me. 308 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,004 - Badass. - Stop. 309 00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:34,407 No. 310 00:14:39,419 --> 00:14:41,482 Seventy-five. Am I reading that right? 311 00:14:41,515 --> 00:14:44,084 - Yeah. That's a big improvement. - Wow. We did great. 312 00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:47,121 It was a goddamn circus. What are you guys talking about? 313 00:14:47,154 --> 00:14:50,357 No... Charlie, why did you do an accent? 314 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,826 Well, dude, I look weird. I don't feel like myself. 315 00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:54,710 So I figured I'd be someone different. 316 00:14:54,735 --> 00:14:57,439 Like that funny cousin in Perfect Strangers? Remember that guy? 317 00:14:57,464 --> 00:14:59,166 - Yes. - Yeah. No, I like you doing a character, 318 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:00,834 but don't make it funny. I got the jokes covered. 319 00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:02,469 - Do you, Dee? - I'm the funny... 320 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,204 Do you? Because this card says, 321 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:07,474 "The one in the plaid suit seemed sad and desperate. 322 00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:10,229 And I was only laughing because I was so uncomfortable." 323 00:15:10,254 --> 00:15:12,089 Yeah? You know what this one says? 324 00:15:12,114 --> 00:15:13,614 - What? - "What's with the angry man 325 00:15:13,647 --> 00:15:16,216 with the old face who's constantly yelling at his boyfriend?" 326 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,519 I could not have made it more clear that he's not my boyfriend! 327 00:15:18,552 --> 00:15:20,688 - You kept saying it over and over. - My God. 328 00:15:20,721 --> 00:15:24,391 And how could I possibly look old? I mean, no. 329 00:15:24,904 --> 00:15:26,173 Who scored the highest? 330 00:15:26,198 --> 00:15:27,454 I think you did. 331 00:15:27,479 --> 00:15:29,271 Yeah? Let me see. 332 00:15:30,139 --> 00:15:34,943 "I love when the vampire slayer busted out the crucifix on his old vampire lover." 333 00:15:35,173 --> 00:15:38,655 Me? "Old vampire lover"? 334 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,342 Let's lean into that. Yeah, I can be like a vanilla Blade, 335 00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:43,410 and I could stab you in the heart with the crucifix and be... 336 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,479 - Stop! Goddamn it. - And then you kiss... 337 00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,340 For the love of God, stop. 338 00:15:47,994 --> 00:15:49,562 Okay, all right. You know what? 339 00:15:50,893 --> 00:15:52,648 You two will limit your exchanges 340 00:15:52,673 --> 00:15:55,356 to "hello," "yes" and "no." And that's it. 341 00:15:55,389 --> 00:15:59,601 And the rest of you will refrain from doing accents or personas of any kind. 342 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,307 I will do all the costumes, hair and makeup. 343 00:16:01,332 --> 00:16:04,001 And there will be no other surprises at all. 344 00:16:04,026 --> 00:16:09,171 And so help me God, we will get this right! 345 00:16:10,771 --> 00:16:12,473 I mean, I get a vampire vibe off that, right? 346 00:16:12,506 --> 00:16:14,108 - Do you not? - We're gonna get slashed. 347 00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:16,076 Yeah, like a Count Dracula thing. 348 00:16:16,426 --> 00:16:18,214 _ 349 00:16:18,239 --> 00:16:19,647 Okay. Thank you all for coming. 350 00:16:19,672 --> 00:16:23,460 I see mostly familiar faces, so welcome back. 351 00:16:23,784 --> 00:16:25,085 That crowd is amped. 352 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,321 - Yeah, well... - Yeah? 353 00:16:26,346 --> 00:16:28,414 Too bad Dennis cut everything they liked. 354 00:16:28,439 --> 00:16:32,367 Come on, Dee. No, trust me. Trust me. Guys, this is exactly what America wants. 355 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:34,628 Didn't it start, like, here, and then go up and over? Like it would... 356 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,163 No, no. I mean, you're not a werewolf. 357 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,631 I'm thinking of Teen Wolf, aren't I? 358 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,800 - I think so. Yeah. - I'm just blown away, man. 359 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:42,469 I just, like, don't know how you got the wig that good, you know? 360 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,979 Like, do you wear a wig? This is crazy, dude. 361 00:16:46,238 --> 00:16:48,216 Do I wear a wig? No. Nonsense. 362 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,013 - For real, though. Do you? - Stop! 363 00:16:50,038 --> 00:16:53,397 Dude. All right, fine, man. I'm just thinking, it's so good, man. 364 00:16:53,422 --> 00:16:55,291 - Just... - All right, the show's gonna start. 365 00:16:55,316 --> 00:16:57,847 Do you have time to do yourself, and then we'll get going? 366 00:16:57,872 --> 00:16:59,394 What do you mean? I did do me. 367 00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:02,383 - You're all done? - Yeah, I put the... Do I need more tape? 368 00:17:02,408 --> 00:17:03,609 Well... 369 00:17:08,662 --> 00:17:10,872 - We should bow. We should bow. - Absolutely. 370 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:13,233 - No, don't bow. Don't bow. - But they're clapping so much. 371 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:16,163 I know. Don't, like... Don't even notice that they're there. 372 00:17:25,220 --> 00:17:26,554 You take my chicken? 373 00:17:27,203 --> 00:17:31,257 Mac. I bet you have a boom box under that table, don't you? 374 00:17:31,282 --> 00:17:32,680 - Nope. - Yeah, you do. Let me see it. 375 00:17:32,705 --> 00:17:34,374 - I don't have one. - Let me see it. 376 00:17:35,091 --> 00:17:36,860 - You better do it, dude. - Just do it. 377 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:40,094 I was... I was gonna play a cool song. 378 00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:43,163 - Let's see what you were gonna play. - It was fun and cool. 379 00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:45,165 - Kid Rock. How fun. - Bawitdaba... 380 00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,067 But we're not doing that. This is gonna be a classy evening, 381 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:50,282 so I came prepared with something a little different. 382 00:17:53,751 --> 00:17:56,872 There we go. Isn't that nice? 383 00:17:57,319 --> 00:17:58,746 - I guess. - Yeah. 384 00:17:58,771 --> 00:18:02,409 Well, here we are. I'm so excited to see Frank. 385 00:18:03,956 --> 00:18:07,265 Yeah. I can't wait to meet the lucky lady. 386 00:18:08,033 --> 00:18:10,202 - If Frank likes her, I'll like her. - Yeah. 387 00:18:10,227 --> 00:18:11,690 So where are they? 388 00:18:13,319 --> 00:18:17,604 Here they are. Speak of... It's open. 389 00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:21,669 Well, hello. Hey, guys. 390 00:18:21,702 --> 00:18:23,203 Welcome. Come on in. 391 00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:25,072 Yeah, close the door. Yeah. Good. 392 00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:26,640 - Like we rehearsed. - Hello. 393 00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:27,741 Hello. 394 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:31,471 Wonderful. Well, I'm Dennis. 395 00:18:31,884 --> 00:18:35,371 And, this is my apartment. I live here with my friend, Mac. 396 00:18:35,396 --> 00:18:38,777 My longtime friend. But not eternal, you know. 397 00:18:38,802 --> 00:18:41,865 'Cause we're not vampires. Obviously. 398 00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:45,058 That... That'd be crazy. Um... 399 00:18:48,150 --> 00:18:50,352 But, yeah. Soon to have our own places. 400 00:18:50,377 --> 00:18:53,928 But not because we're poor. But because we're economically savvy. 401 00:18:53,953 --> 00:18:56,393 And... But still quite young. 402 00:18:59,826 --> 00:19:01,463 Dee, you-you were saying? 403 00:19:03,864 --> 00:19:06,967 Hi, I'm Dee. Frank was a great father. 404 00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:08,234 No. 405 00:19:10,009 --> 00:19:13,117 You got a great sense of humor, Frank. No. 406 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,914 Hey, Charlie. You had a-- 407 00:19:17,621 --> 00:19:19,623 Shoot, do I have a line? 408 00:19:19,648 --> 00:19:22,429 No, you were just gonna say something off the cuff, I think. 409 00:19:22,462 --> 00:19:25,737 I don't remember what it... I'll make something up. Um... 410 00:19:25,762 --> 00:19:28,371 Hey, Frank's date. Where are you from? 411 00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,230 Hello, hello. 412 00:19:31,362 --> 00:19:34,475 - Yes. Hello, hi. Hi, hello. Yeah, hi! - Hello. 413 00:19:34,508 --> 00:19:36,551 - Hi! - Hi! Hello! 414 00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,353 What is this? 415 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,647 It's-- 416 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:42,046 Well, you don't talk. I mean, what are you doing, man? 417 00:19:42,071 --> 00:19:44,207 The audience never talks to the cast of the show. 418 00:19:44,232 --> 00:19:47,104 Perhaps a flip to lighten the mood? 419 00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:49,309 - Yeah. - Yes. 420 00:19:49,334 --> 00:19:52,483 No, no, no, no, no. You're not gonna do a flip. 421 00:19:52,508 --> 00:19:54,811 Because it doesn't make sense to do a flip in the middle of a dinner 422 00:19:54,835 --> 00:19:55,778 for no reason. 423 00:19:55,803 --> 00:19:57,606 - Let your boyfriend flip. - Yeah! 424 00:19:57,631 --> 00:20:00,100 - He's not my boyfriend! - I'm with this guy. Let him flip. 425 00:20:00,133 --> 00:20:01,669 What are you doing? 426 00:20:01,702 --> 00:20:03,771 - Stop it. - And add one flip. You know what I mean? 427 00:20:03,804 --> 00:20:06,087 - Let him do just one flip. - All right, I'll do one. A quick accent. 428 00:20:06,112 --> 00:20:08,726 No, you're not listening! You don't understand! 429 00:20:17,289 --> 00:20:18,757 You're not getting this. 430 00:20:20,768 --> 00:20:22,120 We are not lovers. 431 00:20:23,391 --> 00:20:25,360 We're simply roommates, you see. 432 00:20:25,385 --> 00:20:29,071 It's not so difficult to understand. Not so difficult at all. 433 00:20:29,761 --> 00:20:34,436 Two men entwined only by the walls that house us 434 00:20:34,460 --> 00:20:35,730 and the passage of time. 435 00:20:35,762 --> 00:20:37,825 That is all. Nothing more. 436 00:20:39,564 --> 00:20:43,143 We are all classy men and women alike. 437 00:20:43,176 --> 00:20:47,005 But none more classy than me. Refined and dignified 438 00:20:47,030 --> 00:20:49,785 and not the least bit abnormal in any way. 439 00:20:50,358 --> 00:20:52,345 I need you to see this. 440 00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:54,622 Yes? 441 00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:58,656 All is well and palatable and good. 442 00:21:01,235 --> 00:21:02,187 You must know this 443 00:21:02,226 --> 00:21:06,342 and you must reflect it as such on the cards that you've been given. 444 00:21:07,287 --> 00:21:10,389 Do you understand? I need this of you. 445 00:21:12,519 --> 00:21:14,187 You must make it so. 446 00:21:18,031 --> 00:21:19,799 There was another show... 447 00:21:22,261 --> 00:21:23,830 by the name of Family Fight 448 00:21:23,855 --> 00:21:27,003 and I was not properly represented on that show 449 00:21:27,028 --> 00:21:33,842 and I cannot and will... not abide another failure of that magnitude. 450 00:21:40,301 --> 00:21:47,271 I just need you to see me as... I am. 451 00:21:50,415 --> 00:21:54,219 I need this. I need this from you. 452 00:21:55,014 --> 00:21:56,190 I... 453 00:21:59,822 --> 00:22:05,326 I need this from you. Please. 454 00:22:05,875 --> 00:22:07,168 This is amazing. 455 00:22:07,193 --> 00:22:09,448 What the fuck's he doing? 456 00:22:12,178 --> 00:22:15,721 So that's why you've been so crazed? Because you panicked on Family Fight? 457 00:22:15,746 --> 00:22:18,741 Yes, dude. You don't understand the humiliation. 458 00:22:18,766 --> 00:22:20,235 I hope for your sake you never do. 459 00:22:20,260 --> 00:22:21,828 Dee, how'd we score this time? 460 00:22:22,676 --> 00:22:25,837 - Three. - Three what? 461 00:22:26,093 --> 00:22:27,495 The number three out of a hundred. 462 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,103 - That's it? - Yeah, they hated it. 463 00:22:29,128 --> 00:22:30,562 Dennis scared the shit out of 'em. 464 00:22:31,092 --> 00:22:33,720 Well, look, man, forget it. Like, can we just be us, okay? 465 00:22:33,745 --> 00:22:36,497 We're trying to please everybody and, like, that never works, man. 466 00:22:36,522 --> 00:22:38,624 Like people need to get ya or they don't get ya. 467 00:22:38,971 --> 00:22:40,339 - You know what I'm saying? - Yes. 468 00:22:40,695 --> 00:22:42,363 All right. Yeah. 469 00:22:42,396 --> 00:22:44,842 Does anybody else think it's weird that they haven't showed up yet? 470 00:22:45,263 --> 00:22:46,898 - That who hasn't showed up? - Yeah. 471 00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:50,070 Frank, the producers. The entire TV show. 472 00:22:50,095 --> 00:22:52,975 I mean, we've been doing this whole thing for a while now. 473 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:55,638 Shit. Yeah, they should've been here by now. What's it been, like, a week? 474 00:22:55,663 --> 00:22:57,024 It's been a month. 475 00:22:57,049 --> 00:22:59,119 - We've been doing this for a month? - Yeah, it's been a month. 476 00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:01,636 - I think it's been a solid month. - Look up the show. Look it up. 477 00:23:01,661 --> 00:23:03,596 I'm gonna look it up. Give me a sec. 478 00:23:06,751 --> 00:23:08,894 That episode aired two weeks ago. 479 00:23:08,919 --> 00:23:10,321 - That's the hometown visit? - Yes. 480 00:23:10,346 --> 00:23:11,399 What the-- 481 00:23:11,574 --> 00:23:14,482 This is a big day for me! I can't wait to see my-- 482 00:23:15,288 --> 00:23:19,080 There's my family. It's so, so nice to see you. 483 00:23:19,105 --> 00:23:21,260 - Dad. - It's so good to see you. 484 00:23:21,285 --> 00:23:22,651 - Guys. - What the-- 485 00:23:22,676 --> 00:23:24,625 - Who the hell are these people? - He replaced us. 486 00:23:24,650 --> 00:23:27,493 - He replaced us? - It is so good to see you. 487 00:23:27,874 --> 00:23:32,125 They would never do anything to embarrass me in any way. 488 00:23:32,150 --> 00:23:33,484 - Dude. - Yeah. 489 00:23:33,772 --> 00:23:36,508 I guess he went woke. And he didn't go broke. 490 00:23:41,565 --> 00:23:48,565 credits