Sorry. Can we cut?
Can we cut?
Cut!
Hey. Hey, Paige.
- Are you okay? You okay? - Yeah.
Oh, man, I thought this might be too triggering.
- If you need time, you just say the word, I... - No, no. I'm fine. Really.
- Are you sure? - Yeah. No, not right now, please. Thank you.
Then what is it? Tell me anything.
I guess I just don't fully understand
why Caitlin is standing here waiting to die.
Okay, okay, but she doesn't die.
She doesn't die, right?
Emma jumps out at the last second,
- distracting Baphomet and... - Right. That's my point.
Caitlin doesn't save herself here. Caitlin always saves herself.
And after what I've been through,
the last thing I would do in her situation
is wait for someone else to save me.
Someone get those writers on set to fix this mess!
Of course Caitlin should be saving herself. Duh.
Thank you. This is why you're the queen.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
What?
It's a reboot. There's no rules.
And you're not the star of it all.
You sure about that?
The line comes right here.
No, leave that out.
Hey, and do me a favor, okay?
On the next take, why don't you give me something to work with?
Hold it...
like you could actually kill someone.
Thank you.
Can't wait to do it again.
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- "Emma, stay back." - "Caitlin, I can take him."
"And then he'll take you.
I've danced this dance more times than I care to remember."
Sorry, I'm not shitting on the writers.
No, shit on them. They're garbage.
Studio scraped the bottom of the barrel.
Okay, "I've danced this dance?"
Who actually talks like that?
Just a corny white guy who's over 50, apparently.
Exactly. So can we simplify it?
- Yeah. - Like...
Okay, what if she says,
"And then he'll take you. Trust me, Emma, I know what I'm doing."
- Right? - Yeah. No, that's a million times better.
- Straight to the point. - Right?
'Cause, I mean, that's what it's actually like when your life is on the line.
Sorry. If I'm being a diva,
- expecting rewrites... - Oh my God, no, no.
- I don't wanna be a problem. Okay. - Not at all. No.
No, no, we are so lucky to have you.
No, I just...
I wanted to respect your privacy,
but we can actually make this mean something.
Okay? Because you have first hand knowledge
of what it's really like, that fear, that...
panic, that real life hell.
You can mine things
every other slasher pretends to get.
So, no, I needto hear your thoughts.
I'm sorry. I should not have asked you to go into that.
No, no, it's not that, it's not...
I've just never had a director
make me feel like an equal before.
And...
and not just a pretty face
and a pair of tits, you know?
Well, that's a crime. I've always been a fan.
I pitched you for the reboot from day one.
- Okay? - Wow. Well...
Guess all it took for them to say yes
was for me to become a final girl for real.
These just arrived for you, Paige.
Thank you so much.
These are beautiful.
- Yeah. - Did you...?
No, I didn't.
"Saw the news. Break a leg, but not really.
You've got enough scars already. Andy."
Andy. From...?
Okay, Andy!
Very sweet of him.
So, you can trace a straight line
from the comedies of Euripides
right up to the slapstick of Chaplin, Keaton, and Arbuckle.
But... where is it now?
It's, changed genres.
Action movies, for sure.
I like this. Tell me how.
Well it's all violence, right?
Like comedians, just guys hitting each other.
- Yeah. And in the silents, they... - They crank it up.
Chaplin stabbing people with, like, the nastiest pitchforks
and following it up with one liners
like action heroes do.
Good. Great lateral thinking.
And then we get to horror.
- You're cri de coeur. - Yeah.
But, like, the final girls say the same thing
when they kill the masked killer
or when the dickhead gets taken down.
Yes, you've said this all before,
but weare here to talk comedy.
But, Professor,
we are here for your horror knowledge, sir.
I'm sure you could all transfer out
- if I'm not matching your expectations. - What?
You are an expert in horror
in academia and real life.
Why are you pretending like that's not true?
What do you want?
- What do you mean? - No, what do you want??
You obsessive idiot.
What do you want, a goddamn autograph?
What, you want some grisly tidbit to...
to feed into your death fetish?
Because humanity's saddest and worst instinct excites you?
is that what you want?
Hey, that's mine!
All right. Get out, everyone.
We're done for the day.
I will be speaking to the head of English about this.
Asshole.
_
Hi, Andy. Come in.
- For the hostess. - Thank you so much.
Can I take your coat?
Sure. Thanks.
- So, listen, I know I should have reached out before now. - Look, sorry, sending those flowers was weird.
Okay. Sorry. Can I start? Please?
Yeah.
I'm the asshole here.
And you weren't weird at all.
You are not an asshole.
Sending those flowers was so thoughtful,
and I could say that I was just so busy with the movie
that I forgot to say thank you, but I just...
I get it. You just wanted to put it behind you.
That might sound more believable
if I wasn't playing Caitlin again.
Hey, it's your job. There's no judgment.
Maybe a little judgment? Maybe?
It's fine. It's natural.
We all have to make a living.
Yeah.
Anyways, we wrapped a few months ago,
and there's actually a screening tomorrow night.
And instead of avoiding you, I thought...
not only do I want to say thank you for the flowers
with dinner and reconnect,
but I thought you probably saw that the premiere is coming up
as part of the Spinechiller showcase.
My algorithms wouldn't let me forget.
Yeah, well. It's your part of the news cycle.
Good luck escaping it.
And I thought...
Maybe you want to come with me as my date.
And look, I promise it's nothing crazy, okay?
I swear, there's no red carpet.
It's just a genre critic sneak peek
at a small venue, and...
I would really love you to see it with me.
I think you'd really appreciate what the filmmaker's done here.
I really do. I mean it.
Yeah, he's taken a lot of my input, and...
it's more than just your standard slasher flick.
- It is. - Can I...
- Can I think on it? - Yeah.
You can even say no, and I'd understand.
Oh, shit. The stove. One sec.
Can I help?
No, no, no. You know what?
Just open the wine, the glasses and the opener are on the credenza.
Yeah. Subtle's never been a word
to describe the "Doomed Service" merch.
You could kill someone with this.
And Caitlin did in "Doomed Service 3: Peephole."
I hope you like stir fry.
I was supposed to be beef stew,
but I waited too long to start cooking
and I didn't want to serve you shoe leather.
You know, we could have ordered in.
- Still can, if this is too much. - No, no.
You and I need something extra normal.
And cooking really chills me out.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
You know, the way you spoke about "Doomed Service,"
I gotta say...
I didn't expect all this.
Those films were my life since I was a teen.
And now they are again.
Which is...
well*, a surprise,
For me, too.
I said no and then I said no again.
And the third time I said no, they promised me
I'd be a part of the entire new trilogy.
- An offer you couldn't refuse. - Yeah.
I want to act.
And if they're gonna give me a say in the kind of stories we tell,
then maybe I just need to embrace it, right?
Don't worry, okay?
What would I have to worry about?
After what we went through?
Oh, well, you and shovels, maybe.
And bathtubs. Don't forget bathtubs.
Oh, how could I forget?
So how about you? How have the past few months been?
And again, I'm sorry that I didn't check in, okay?
Stop apologizing. Seriously.
If there's a correct way to maintain a friendship
forged in the crucible of mass murder,
I don't know it.
"Crucible of mass murder."
There is that brain of yours.
Tell me they've given you full tenure.
Well, I would need a PhD for that.
But you specialize in true crime entertainment
or however you put it,
and you're the survivor of the most infamous killing spree
since the Manson murders.
That should at least qualify you for an honorary PhD,
or at the very least, a humongous raise. Right?
Well, life after Cold River
has not been as lucrative for me as it has for you.
I was not trying to shame you with that.
I'm glad you're doing well, I just...
We both deserve some kind of happiness after all that.
- It's just... - What?
You can tell me anything.
Hey, if there's anyone who's gonna get you or me, it's us.
Sometimes I feel like I'm still there.
Like something's unresolved.
Do you ever feel like that?
- No. - Just like...
- what if we missed something? - Like?
I don't know, Floyd and Shirley.
How do we know for sure it was them?
Because they killed everyone in that exact same spot 30 years ago.
Yes, 30 years ago,
when they were younger and stronger and...
Kawayan.
He was a big guy, okay?
He could take care of himself.
You honestly believe that Floyd got the better of him?
Well, maybe it wasn't Floyd.
What, Shirley? That's even more unlikely.
Not if he didn't see it coming and he wouldn't have.
Shirley pretended to be so nice.
She got so close to me,
and one stab in the neck is all it would have taken.
Hey, listen, if we'd missed anything,
the police would have found it by now.
Unless they weren't looking.
And why would they?
Floyd and Shirley, they tick all the boxes.
It's easy. It shuts it down.
They tick all the boxes because they're guilty.
Not you, not me,
not some stranger in the woods. Them.
Okay, you know what? Let's go through all the murders.
Okay?
Hemmingway.
They could have easily been the ones
to boil him to death in the sauna.
Are you sure? I mean, they'd just arrived.
Yeah, but they'd already been there an hour by then,
and they knew the hotel's layout.
Portia and Crow, Anyone could have killed them.
Floyd.
He took part in killing Ruby, and he loved it.
Kawayan, I still think it was Shirley
the way she was sucking up to him.
And Adriana, we were all in our separate rooms when she died,
so they could have snuck out unnoticed easily.
And when Blake was killed, same thing.
Not to mention I found Floyd and Shirley the next morning,
surrounded by the poor guy's remains.
And the cherry on top? They tried to frame you.
They did a pretty good job of that.
Andy, listen...
what you're feeling is not doubt.
It's trauma.
We lived in a fearful state for days.
Trapped, while we watched people die horrible deaths.
- You've... you seem fine. - Don't believe it.
I've been keeping busy.
And the movie will keep me busy until we're out in theaters.
And then maybe I'll fall apart after that.
Or maybe I won't. Ever. Who knows?
I do feel a strange victory over those two, though.
And if the killer had gotten away...
Well, that's my worry. Always.
Then I would be looking out the window all the time.
But we did it, Andy.
We put those two assholes in the ground.
So please, please try and be happy, okay?
Try and be happy about everything we have
that we feared we'd lose.
We owe that to the rest of them.
Right?
Right. Yeah. You're right.
Something's still bothering you.
Hey, there's no secrets between us.
You kept me sane, and you didn't have to,
so please let me help you.
I just want to preface this by saying,
I know people do things that don't make sense.
Yeah, obviously. I mean, I almost took a bath
with a crazy lady I didn't know, so...
Come on, what's the question?
Okay, fine.
The drop down ceiling in your room...
after Floyd and Shirley, before the police arrived.
I saw a stain.
It was a blood stain.
And?
I looked behind the ceiling tile, and I...
I found a heart.
What?
Portia's, I guess.
Like you'd hidden it as some sort of trophy or something.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I saw with my own eyes, Paige.
So denying it...
you can't because I know what I saw.
Well, I know what I didn't hide in my goddamn ceiling, Andy.
Come on.
I mean, could Adriana have done it?
Maybe. Or...
Crow as some kind of, like, wacky magic thing.
- But me? - Then why was it there?
And how did it get there? I didn't put it there.
Portia definitely didn't.
But Floyd and Shirley,
maybe it was some kind of ritual thing, or...
Or maybe the same way that they hid that book in your room,
they hid Portia's heart in mine
so that they could frame me
if framing you didn't pan out.
Of course. Yeah.
Framing me actually makes a lot of sense, yeah.
God, I am so...
You're right. I'm so sorry.
So you thought I was collecting body parts like a serial killer,
and you still came to meet me for dinner?
Honestly, I didn't know what to think.
Why didn't you go to the police with this?
- I couldn't. - Why... if you thought I was some
- sick psychopath? - Because.
- Why? - I knew I had to protect you.
Even if I put it there?
Even if I was the real killer?
Even then.
Remember that limo ride up?
The hearse? Yeah, it's hard to forget.
It was so ridiculously over the top.
Arriving at that stupid motel, I...
I hated it.
I hated myself, I hated how I caved for the money.
Yeah, how much did they pay you, anyway?
Not enough.
I needed it, trust me.
Everyone else was just so weird and...
pleasant and self-involved...
- And opportunistic. - And we weren't?
But we were different.
I was there for research, and, despite your pay day,
you seemed to be there to atone for your part in things.
That's a way of putting it, I guess. Maybe.
It ended up that way, in the end.
Maybe that's why we survived.
'Cause we didn't deserve to be killed.
There's no moral code.
We survived because we worked together
and we beat those psychos.
if they'd killed you, I don't know what I'd do.
You wouldn't be doing this, that's for sure.
True.
What's that they say about the connection
- between death and sex? - No, this is different.
I'm glad I found you.
Glad I found you, too.
So, tonight...
You never gave me an answer.
I mean, I'm kind of a completionist,
and I have seen all the other movies.
Yay! Okay.
Now, okay, if you get freaked out,
all you have to remember is that the blood
is just food coloring and corn syrup.
And all the knives are made out of rubber, okay?
Can you, tell me what I'm in store for, at least, plot wise?
I mean, they're gonna incorporate Floyd and Shirley, right?
And if you're still alive, let me guess...
After being murdered in the last movie,
Caitlin is brought back by some kind of spell.
And so now she has her own supernatural powers.
The perfect match against Baphomet.
And since it's a trilogy,
it appears like she vanquishes Baphomet.
Except right at the end,
he lurches up, alive again.
I'm close, right?
No. Not even!
- Are you sure you want me to spoil it? - Yes.
Okay.
So, first off, only "Doomed Service" I and II are considered canon now.
Everything after them never happened.
So this is really more like a new "DS3"
and Caitlin is just still alive.
I hate that. That's...
No, that's such a disservice to the franchise.
Says the guy crapping all over them.
No, I only took issue with the real life aspects
they distorted.
Movies themselves are actually kind of fun.
Okay, can I get that on record?
Hello?! They're supposed to be fun.
But I guess all those endless sequels
weren't exactly cinematic gems.
No, but they have their charms.
So this must take place years later, then.
Yeah. And since it's a reboot and not just a sequel,
and this is what really sold me,
we discovered that Caitlin actually has a daughter.
Someone young and hot to draw in all the fanboys.
The real Caitlin didn't have a daughter.
No, but everyone loves a final girl.
Now they have two.
And if that wasn't enough, we discover that Baphomet is actually
Caitlin's first husband.
She really broke his heart when she left him for that Joey dude.
Okay, but the ex-husband in real life was cleared.
I mean, not after being hounded into an early grave...
Well, this ain't real life.
And in our movie, he is alive and back for revenge.
I really have to hand it to the team.
Clutches at the heartstrings.
No, clutches at the purse strings.
I can't believe they're mining a horrible tragedy all over again.
Andy, just watch it tonight, okay?
See what you think.
'Cause if it does well,
critically and at the box office,
this could mean an entirely revived career for me.
I could get some amazing parts and put Caitlin behind me,
and everything that we went through would have almost been...
Worth it?
Why don't we grab some sleep, okay?
It's gonna be a long night.
From Nick and Sam at Shudder to David at Hollywood Suite,
we all knew the only way we could make
the new "Doomed Service" slay
was if we stuck to the OG history of the crazy murders
that made these movies what they are.
And that is the bloodiest,
raunchiest horror sleaze flicks around!
Yasss!
So... do you really want that gross out gore,
that crazy violence,
and that yummy tingle down there?
I know you do.
Then you got to cast someone who can run in a G-string and heels
and strut blood like a second skin.
Yeah, I'm talking about a gal
who is always too hot to die,
the number one sleaze queen in the world...
Paige Harper.
- * Thank you. - I love you!
I love you!
Thank you guys so much for being here.
- Thank you, Aaron. - Yeah!
I'm really glad my mom's not here to hear me described like that.
I know you all know that I had to take a little break.
A chance to sit a "Doomed Service" out.
There was only so much blood this gal could have gushed on her.
But after I lived through the real Cold River massacre,
I realized something.
I am Caitlin.
No, no, I'm better.
- Because this mama didn't die. - Oh, yeah!
And armed with that experience,
I knew deep down in my blood soaked heart
that I had to come back to my "Doomed Service" family
and kick some Baphomet butt,
because Caitlin is...
say it with me now, please.
Caitlin is...
Too hot to die!
- Yeah. - And just one more thing...
- Yeah, okay. - One more thing...
I think you deserve to hear it from me here first.
Not only is Caitlin back,
you get to have her for three
horny, blood soaked movies!
- Thank you. - Yes! Thank you, yeah.
We are indeed. We are indeed doing a trilogy. Yes!
- Yeah! - But...
what none of you know
is that Caitlin had a daughter.
We were gonna surprise you during the screening,
but the cat's out of the bag, so...
let's welcome to the stage Paula Lynde!
I present to you our next leading lady,
Caitlin's long lost daughter...
Emma!
Oh, my.
I have to say,
being drenched in your love is almost as good
as being drenched in blood.
He's coming this way!
Caitlin! Don't go down there!
Fight me, Baphomet!
That's right, I'm back!
And I hate to break it to ya, but you're not too hot to die!
You know, for an arch-demon in the underworld,
you sure are dumb.
'Cause I got my soul machete back...
And she's horny for demon guts!
That was notwhat we shot.
They told me I'd be in all three, but they chopped my goddamn head off
- using a body double. - Paige...
And they didn't even have the guts to call me in for a re-shoot.
Which tells you how shifty it all is, right?
I know it doesn't feel like it, but you wanted to put Caitlin behind you.
On myterms, Andy. Mine.
What the hell was that?
Do you know how humiliating that was?
To have my part reduced to a tiny bit like that? You lied to me.
- No, I did not lie... - Yes, you did.
- You lied to me. Yes, you did lie. - No, I did not lie...
- And you promised me... - I promised you I would do all I could.
We all did, okay? But when we tested the movie,
Paula Lynde was just, she was... she's off the charts.
I had that audience eating out of the palm of my hand.
And you're gonna bring them back, okay?
But she's gonna make them stay. She's...
She's a star.
I'm so... I'm sorry.
Well, you will be. All of you.
'Cause you're going to be getting calls from my agents and my lawyers.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah, you do whatever you have to do.
Andy, it is... such an honor.
Get the fuck out of my face, asshole.
- Let's get out of here. - And do what? Go where?
Go back to my apartment and stare at a phone
- that's never gonna ring? - You are too good for this garbage.
No, I'm not. I'm not, Andy.
Just like you're not too good for your college.
Who am I if I'm not Caitlin?
If I'm not a goddamn final girl?
I promise you, Mama.
Baphomet may have gotten away...
but I will avenge your death.
You okay?
Might as well see what stupid thing they do to my severed head.
I may have just found you...
but now I'll never forget you.
No one will.
Got you!
That's the real Caitlin.
Did they put her in the movie?
I don't know.
I just can't believe this is my life.
- You again? - Who's that?
Videoing me when I'm so happy I might break!
The most beautiful woman in the world.
Well, you are a flatterer.
These are cold, hard facts, people.
Those are the real photos.
These photos... I mean...
Maybe this crime scene photographer is a wizard.
He's an artist. Can you believe this?
- That's Blake. - Oh my God.
That's Adriana.
- Jesus. - What the hell is going on?
That bastard.
Where is he? He needs to turn the shit off.
Hey, where is the projection booth?
Did you take our crime scene photos and put them in the movie?
I don't want that crap in my movie.
- Do you know where the booth is? - Shouldn't it be over there?
- I'm gonna go look for the lights. - Okay.
Hey! Open the door!
Get that out of my eyes!
Why are we watching this?
What I like about murder art is...
It's that staring at a car crash impulse.
And let's admit it...
there's a killer in all of us, right?
Help...
Oh my God.
You were back there.
Back there alone with Aaron.
- And so were you. - Stay back. Stay back.
- Paige, I didn't do this. - Then who did?
This was your plan all along, wasn't it?
Get us up there. Cut us off. Pick us off one by one.
So I could go to jail for the rest of my life?
No, because then Floyd and Shirley showed up.
Which I had nothing to do with.
You got them to take the blame for you.
Even asking me about that heart in my ceiling,
just to throw me off your scent.
You're the scent.
You killed everyone to make yourself relevant again.
But then you found out you got killed off, and,
oh, you didn't like that. So your true colors came out.
- I'm not a murderer. - No, you're an actor!
- What are you doing? - I'm making sure he's okay.
You sliced him with a machete, of course he's not okay!
What were you trying to prove?
With those bits you added at the end, huh?
How could I have pulled that off?
Well, you interviewed everyone involved with the movies.
Maybe you're pals with the editor.
Is he dead, too?
I'm not gonna let you turn me
into one of your cover stories.
I read everything you've written
on these movies and the murders.
Because I was interested
in getting to know the guy who saved my life.
They were pretty damn obsessive, Andy.
From the woman who lives and breathes
the only character she's ever played?
So much so that she goes on some method slaughter fest?
Any actor worth their salt can sense
how their scene partner is doing.
And you...
You held your breath every time Caitlin was on screen.
Every time.
Because I'd never seen those videos before.
Bullshit.
They're from your sick little personal collection, aren't they?
- You in love with her? - No.
No?
You didn't show up with your wine and talk a good game
just so you could fuck the fake Caitlin?
Shut your dirty goddamn mouth!
Bullseye.
The real Caitlin
was nothing like you.
You've turned her
into a bloody soft-core wet T-shirt joke.
She was a special woman.
And it was obvious from those videos.
They were a private glimpse
into a woman you've disrespected.
And for you to make that some cheap and sexual thing...
Oh my God.
You were in love with her.
I did.
I did love her.
She was your mother.
That's why you killed everyone.
You killed everyone.
No, I didn't.
Same way you drowned Shirley,
chopped Floyd's head off with a goddamn shovel.
It was you.
Just like you would do to anyone...
that didn't worship you!
You...
Oh my God!
Andy!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. You gave me no choice.
You must have hated me.
You must have hated me for playing her.
I hated that.
- Everyone thought she was you. - I know.
But then you...
then you changed
my mind about you.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I never considered how much those movies
would have hurt everyone who knew the real Caitlin.
I'm so sorry for my part. I'm so sorry.
Please, please, believe me. Please.
Everyone freeze! Now!
Please, you have to believe me. You have to believe me.
Please forgive me.
- Please forgive me. - Don't move!
Let me see your hands!
- Hands! - Help me!
- Andy. - She's trying to kill me!
- Andy, no! No! - She killed him!
And everyone at the Cold River Motel!
Jesus, Andy, tell them the truth!
Drop it!
Drop the knife!
It's over, isn't it?
Final girl.
See you in Hell.
Hey, Katie.
We're so glad to have you audition for
"Doomed Service: Hell Motel."
Have a seat. We'll do a couple of takes.
Okay. Rolling, rolling. Stand by.
And action.
I think a slower turn is good.
Hey, Connor, can we punch in, a little bit more.
- 100% - Close.
Real close. That's it. That's beautiful.
See you in Hell.
Can we do one more?
I'd love to have the eyes that are just dead.
- Okay. - Yeah. Just take your time.
I love it. Action.
See you in Hell.
And scene. That's it. Great work, Katie.
- You think so? - Yeah.
I hope so.
I would literally kill for this part.
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