So, as you may recall, a little while back
we had some volunteers at the school.
Found out they were here for community service.
I wasn't tripping.
Four days, free labor and they were outta here.
But we were alerted to some additional footage, if you will.
Turns out these clowns were up to a lot more than we knew.
Welcome to Abbott Elementary,
the best elementary school in the universe.
What's the deal with all the cameras?
We have, like, a Vanderpump thing going on.
- Don't worry about it. - No!
No. I think I'll be spending my time on the other side of the camera.
- Thank you very much. - See?
- Yeah, okay. - Totally get that.
If Caucasian Cultural Exchange is over,
let's get to the free work.
You got it.
Before we do that, could my associates and I talk?
If you wanna talk, talk.
In private. I mean, away from the
- Yeah. That's an issue. - The cameras. Yeah.
- He's got a thing. Yeah. - If we could just not be near those.
- It'll only take a second. - Frank, just go
- Go? - Yeah.
Yeah. We'll be right Yeah. We'll be right back.
- Yeah, of course. - We'll roam around your school.
Be happy with the dogs and whatever.
- Yeah. - Just need a minute.
- What are we doing? - Go, go, go. Go.
Close that door and lock it.
- Okay. I got an idea. - Frank.
Let's not make this a whole thing, please.
- Just a quick in and out. - The faster we get it done,
- the better. - I see an opportunity here.
How's a school an opportunity?
It's not just a school. It's a gold mine.
I can't believe these shitheads forgot they were mic'd.
_
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- How is a school a gold mine? - Copper piping.
Thousands and thousands of yards of it.
And this is an old building. They use the thick kind.
I mean, a fence would pay a fortune
- for that stuff. - Frank.
- What? - We're not ripping copper piping
- out of a public school. - Well, why not?
The city's gonna make 'em do it anyway.
And they're gonna wind up paying for it. We'd be doing them a favor.
Okay. Stop, stop. We're not doing this, all right?
We're just We're gonna get through the day. Okay?
And then we're gonna get the hell out of here. Because I...
My God. This coffee is sludge.
What's the story on the snacks? Are these free or what?
Guys, I'm with Dennis. If I could just get this release signed,
then we could be outta here in a week. All right?
Look, I don't wanna get lice from one of these kids.
Did you guys know that Black people can't get lice?
Dee, that's, like, crazy racist.
No, no, no. That's just science.
It's the lice who are racist.
- All right. Hold on, hold on. - Racist lice?
You hear this conversation? This is us digging a deeper hole.
Let's please not do it. I'm begging you all.
Why is this door locked? And who are you people?
Hi. We're your volunteers.
You're not supposed to be in here. This is the teachers' lounge.
Then where's the volunteers' lounge?
Actually, um, question. Sorry.
Are you in charge of cleaning the coffee pots?
Because, um, they're really dirty
and you're not doing a good job.
What is this?
- Quit eating that. - Yeah. Quit eating that.
I'm not... I thought it was free. It's not free?
- Y'all get the hell out of here. - Get the hell out of here.
- Get out of here. He said. - I thought they were free.
- Get the hell out of here. You know? - Okay. All right.
- It's just a misunderstanding. Probably. - No.
Guy's gonna be a problem. Take care of him.
I can't say I'm surprised by any of this.
I mean, I liked Dee at first,
but things got awkward when she tried to steal you.
That was never gonna happen.
Still. Safe to say I liked her less after that.
But it wasn't until I saw the extra footage
that I was able to realize just how much of a
I need to say a bad word.
- It's okay. Yeah. - Yeah?
- I'm gonna. It's real bad. - We talked about this. Go ahead.
How much of a total fucking cunt she was.
I I thought you was gonna call her a bitch.
- No. I didn't feel that was strong enough. - Okay.
Bitch can be a very fine dog. That is not what this woman is.
Class, could I have your attention for one second?
You are being taught by a genius.
And class, if I may,
you have a genius volunteer aiding you.
- You. You. - You.
- No, you. - It's definitely you.
- Right now. One, two, three. You. - You.
Back up. Go. Go out there. Go out there. Go out there.
Okay. I notice you following that one around a bunch?
What is going on with that? I'm not picking up star vibes from her.
She's a dud. She's a giant dud.
But I have an idea: You follow me around,
make me the star of whatever this is,
and I will make this shit pop. Right?
I'll steal her man. I'll expose her for the dud she is.
What do you think? Let's work together.
- Hey. - Hey.
- We can't wait till you come back. - I can't wait to come back.
My God.
I mean, what is she talking about?
The star of the thing? What?
- I don't know. She's crazy. Yeah. - She really is crazy.
If anything, Ava's the star.
- Maybe Barb. - Could be me at this point.
- But you know - Sure. Yeah.
Sure?
- You don't think I've gotten-- - No. No. No, absolutely.
- You're the star. - The focus...
They kind of go through my interpretation of it.
- Yeah. It's for you. Yeah. - Okay.
Well, actually, that's not what this is about.
- No. Exactly. - 'Cause it's about the kids.
But the good news is
she was never actually attracted to Gregory at all.
Sorry.
She should've been. No.
These dumbasses couldn't even pretend to volunteer for very long.
Day one, they tried to recruit athletes for their old high school.
Yo.
Hey, dude. Pfft. This place is the worst, man.
They're, like, totally, like, trying to teach me to read and stuff.
And I'm just, like, playing along and being like, "
You know. You can help me."
But it's just like I'm trying to kill time, you know?
- Like, it's so boring. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.
- Sure. - What do they got you doing?
Well, they don't really have me doing anything,
but I decided to do this.
What? What is this?
Well, I I grabbed a bunch of stuff from the science class
and I'm doing a science experiment here.
- Is it coffee? - It is coffee.
I could smell it.
It's the most amazing coffee you've ever had.
- You wouldn't believe it. - Dude, sick. Give me a cup.
- I'm like Walter White over here. - Yeah, absolutely.
- Hey, guys. - You want this one? It's ready to go.
You would not believe the bozos they got
as the stars of this thing.
- Stars of what thing? - Yeah.
Their reality show or whatever it is they got going.
- Shit. - Shit.
- I keep forgetting about these guys. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, me too. - I'm gonna use it as a launching pad.
- I got an angle. - No, no, no. We're not doing angles, Dee.
- What smells good? - Coffee. You gotta try it.
- Make her one. - You want one?
- This is a coffee? Yeah. - Yeah.
It's really slow, so I'll make you a small one.
- Raccoon on the loose. - What?
- Really? - Hey, hey. Frank, Frank.
Yeah. I bought a racoon in to keep that janitor busy.
- Coffee me? - Nice, dude. Good move.
- Yeah. - No, no. Frank, cameras.
- Yo. What's up, bitches? - Shoot.
Have you guys seen the talent in this school?
No. No. What are you We're just doing the one thing, okay?
You guys are talking about five different things.
For Christ's sake, you're all over the place.
What talent? What you talking about?
Yeah. There's kids, like, that are taller than me.
I say we recruit one for the basketball team at St. Joe's.
- No, no, no. - Dude. Great idea, man.
- They've been sucking ass, bro. - We are just doing the one thing. Okay?
I want a I want a straight line to Friday. That's it.
- Okay. All right. - He needs a coffee.
Yeah. Get him some coffee, man. Make a coffee for...
- Coffee, coffee. - Mac, try a coffee.
- Yeah. I'll have a coffee. - It's really good.
It's perfectly pH-balanced.
I keep forgetting about the cameras, man.
- I forget about them every time, dude. - Shit. Yeah.
It is easy to forget about the cameras.
I keep cash on me to make things "go away."
But they took it to the next level.
That's a good idea.
Totally profit off a young basketball player.
Like, pull a Blind Side on 'em.
- Are you pissing in that locker? - It's the coffee.
- I drank so much coffee. Yeah. - It goes right through you, yeah.
Let's do the Blind Side thing.
Well, yeah. But I think we're not supposed to say "blind side,"
- 'cause it's, like, a-- - Why?
It got frowned upon, 'cause It was, like, a white savior thing.
And I think white people aren't supposed to help Black people anymore. Right?
No. That's a misunderstanding.
- Okay, good. - Yeah. You see,
St. Joe's is predominantly white teams, so we're helping the basketball team.
We're helping a white school, so it's fine.
- Look at that one. He's tall. - Don't say "that one." I know that much.
- Let's go get him. Let's go get him. - I meant that Black kid.
Hey, kid. Look at you. Wow.
Wow, man. We saw you in the hall.
- We liked everything we saw. - We did.
What's it gonna take to convince you
to leave a place like this and come with us?
We may have access to a Lexus if you wanna joyride.
- You like joyriding? - Vroom, vroom.
What is this? What is going on here?
Well...
He He left. Yeah.
Okay, you need to leave too.
What the
Poor Rodney. He was really freaked out.
Maybe it was Jacob interrupting them,
or maybe it was when they found out
that Rodney is legally blind in one eye and can't shoot for shit.
Don't think we didn't try. He's trash.
A basketball recruit? Thank God.
My mind was going to terrible places.
Anyway, they got off that idea and bounced to the next one
like one of those ADHD kids.
The only thing I will say is, their coffee was fantastic.
Okay. Got a soy almond latte for Gregory. There we go.
- Much obliged. - Okay. And Janine. You have the
Yeah. it was a mocha grande half-caf with a splash of--
- A splash of vanilla. - Yes.
Okay. I got you right here.
- There we go. Enjoy. Enjoy. - Thanks. Okay. Thank you.
Katie, I remember you.
Super complicated order.
I gotta say, guys.
This experience is not as bad as I thought it would be.
Yeah. It's fine, you know.
I mean, for once, laying low is maybe paying off for us.
No, no, no. Screw laying low.
I'm making a play for dingbat's guy, and it's working.
- No. Dee, I said no angles. What're you - Excuse me.
Guys, excuse me. I'm volunteering,
so I have to come through here. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, they said that the volunteers had to come through.
'Cause we wouldn't normally do that.
We're good people. But we had to. So
What, bro? What?
Guys, I'm actually, like, really pissed at this school.
Like, they have no idea how to teach people, you know? Like--
- What, you not learning to read? - No. It's not the reading.
I know how to read. It's 9/11, man.
- What-What-What? - What about 9/11?
Yeah?
The kids don't know anything about it, man.
- They don't know what it is. - What?
I heard a couple of 'em joking,
and they were sharing funny, like, Internet memes.
And they were, like, "yeah. That? I know that Internet joke thing."
No.
- That's how they know it. - Okay. Hold on a second. I
Well now I have to get involved, 'cause that's insane.
Yeah, that's kids these days.
- 9/11 is just one giant meme to them. - Yeah, it's a big joke.
- It is? - Yeah. It's like Pearl Harbor.
I mean, you know, that happens. Everybody looks the other way.
Now we're all buying Japanese cars.
And now the Arabs are buying golf from us.
- What? - Golf's not for sale, dude.
The purest sport in the history of humanity?
What's next, football?
- Wait a minute. - What happened to "never forget"?
We said we weren't gonna forget.
We made an agreement to never forget.
We collectively made an agreement to never forget.
Next thing you know, now the camps And just buying whatever car we want?
- I mean, what the hell is this? - We're just forgetting what happened?
This argument went on for way too long.
I remember every goddamn one of those attackers' names.
- Every goddamn one. - Of course you do.
- Mohamed Atta. - That guy!
- Marwan al-Shehhi! - Ziad Jarrah!
Bin Laden! He died like the dog in the dirt that he was, man!
- That's right, goddamn it. - That's where he belongs.
- The fallen fire department! - Gonna forget about the firefighters?
These people were passionate, but dumb as shit.
'Cause at some point they argued themselves right into conspiracy theories.
- So it had to be a hoax. - Of course. Yes.
I mean, steel would not melt at that temperature.
I mean, take fire to steel and see if it melts. It won?t.
- You try it. - No, you know what?
A missile sent by your own government is probably what it was.
- I read online there wasn't even a plane. - Really?
I?m starting to think there wasn't even towers, dude.
- I'd never been to them. - Has anybody seen the towers?
- With your own eyes, not a picture. - Exactly. Not a picture.
Only seen pictures the government has shown me.
They're changing the weather now, do you know about this?
- They control the weather. - Yeah. With frogs. I saw that.
- They control the weather. - Yeah, with frogs.
- Yeah, they shoot the frogs up there. - They shoot frogs up there?
- They're throwing tornadoes at Florida. - Yeah. It creates a super storm.
- Crop control. - The oranges. There's too many oranges.
I know it sounds crazy but I think at one point,
these people were trying to start a boy band.
All right. Remember to combine all three words here.
Darnell Lewis and Jordan Cox,
please report to the principal?s office.
I thought it was kinda odd
when Ava had one of the volunteers making announcements.
- Now, really think about-- - No. What? Actually, wait .
Yeah, sorry. Go to the bathroom.
No, no. Don?t tell them to go to the bathroom.
Dennis, the acoustics are better.
What? Have them come to the music room.
Yeah. Okay, fine. Darnell and Jordan,
please go to the music room or whatever. Thank you.
Did you have that pushed the whole time?
- The what? No, which What? - Keep doing your work.
I'll be right back.
So I had to go down there and check it out for myself.
- Ooh. This is what we want. - Yeah, yeah.
- This is good. - - A little pitchy at times.
- Very good singer. - Very nice.
- He's a little pitchy, but it's fine. - Yeah? But
My main concern is he's coming off like kind of a nerd.
You know we've already got our nerd.
- We need a bad boy. - We do.
Hey, Steven, would you say you?re a bad boy?
I don?t know.
- You don't know? - You don't know?
I feel like a bad boy would know if he was bad, right?
- Yeah, he might. - I think so.
Damn it. I told Mac to get the detention list.
Yeah, 'cause that's how we're gonna find--
Hey. Hey. How we doing? All right.
What's going on in here?
We're just having auditions. Well, Ava said it was okay.
Ava said we could use the room.
- And we got her - Real quick, just wanna walk this back.
Um, Ava said that it was okay for you to pull kids out of class
- so they could sing for you? - Yeah.
Yeah. Otherwise how we're gonna know who's the
It was kinda like a class. In a way, it's a music class.
Basically like, we're just kind of, like, hopping for kids here,
and we got a pretty good collection.
You know, we got a nerd and we got the boy next door.
We got the ugly one that people feel sorry for, but we
He's so ugly too. But he is uglier than
Maybe too ugly.
- Yeah, maybe too ugly. - Now we found our bad boy.
You see, the bad boy is the most important one.
Because the bad boy makes the sexual component less weird.
Yeah. I wouldn't have said that, but
That's not why. That's not really the--
This was some crazy shit. I didn't wanna deal with it,
so I took it to Ava.
Ava.
- What? - The others were right.
These volunteers have got to go.
No. You were right. They?re amazing, and they're staying.
Shit. I might frame 'em for another crime just to get their hours up.
What? What? No.
Did I ask you to stop steaming?
Okay. She was right.
Between fighting teachers, pissing in lockers and the boy band thing,
I should have booted their ass.
Because that white woman was going in.
What do you mean you didn?t get the fight on camera?
What is wrong with you?
I let that bitch kick my ass so that I could look like a victim.
You think I couldn't kick her
She's tiny. I could destroy her.
I'd rip her hair out.
I'd rip this whole school bald if I wanted to,
but that would like some kind of hate crime
in the liberal media.
Wouldn't they just love that. No. I'm not doing it.
What's wrong with you? You call yourself a camera crew?
My God. Get your head out of your ass.
Nah, I?ve seen some shit.
But crazy white people hit different.
"Let me kick her ass?"
No. I am not a violent person, but
if I wanna kick someone?s ass, I will.
"Let me kick her ass." She said that?
No. No. And you know what? I?m not mad.
I?m not, because I am totally over that woman,
um, because I?m a happy person. So
I'm so sorry. I saw a mosquito.
Yeah, in one point
I was misled into believing they were shooting an educational video
in the vein of Billy Joel?s "We Didn?t Start The Fire."
I don?t know how the fuck they got on this.
Bye. See youse.
Knock, knock, knock. I've got a piping hot
caramel macchiato for a Melissa.
That's me.
- There you are. - Thank you, Dennis.
It's my pleasure. Absolutely. Hey, Go birds.
- Go birds. - Hey, listen.
Um, might I trouble you with a query?
On the subject of Billy Joel with the scale being, one:
"I can?t stand his music" to ten:
"I think he?s the single greatest musician in the history of sound,"
where do you place the man?
Negative five. But you know who is a massive fan?
A hundred fifty. A million ten. Infinity.
Amazing. Okay, great. Yeah.
So we are actually looking to recruit teachers
to help us with a little song.
By that point, I should have known better
but, um, I'm a sucker for anything Billy Joel related, so
- Yeah. - This is really exciting, guys.
Okay. So here's what we're gonna do.
You, our modern educators,
are going to sing the updated lyrics
to Billy Joel's classic song,
and we will be reenacting the iconic historical moments
on video at a later date.
My God. Can we be part of that as well? 'Cause--
I feel like it wouldn't be right if you weren't.
- That's great. Let's get them involved. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
Matter of fact, I'm gonna film the rehearsal.
Yeah, just shoot it. Shoot everything.
Okay, I'm gonna stumble through one.
Don't worry if you get it wrong.
- Okay. Yeah. - Let's just try it for time. Okay? Um
Okay. And...
? Caitlin Clark And Angel Reese ?
? Captain Sully hit some geese ?
? Marijuana legalized ?
? Price of copper Is on the rise ?
? Kaepernick takes a knee ?
? Ozempic cures obesity ?
? Y2K was overblown They shut down Guantánamo ?
[All] ? We didn?t start the fire It was always burning ?
- ? Always burning ? - ? Since the world's Been turning ?
- ? Since the world's Been turning ? - ? We didn't start the fire ?
- ? We didn't start the fire ? - ? It was always burning ?
- ? Since the world's Been turning ? - ? It's always turning ?
? We didn't, we didn't We didn't, we didn't ?
? We didn't We didn't, we didn't ?
? We didn't start the fire ?
Actually, they did start a fire.
You see this? Look, it?s not even wilting.
Mac, that?s indestructible.
You?re telling me that an entire building is gonna melt to the ground
but we can?t even melt the bench?
I don't think so. !
Shit. It?s going up the wall.
But eventually, the whole song thing fell apart
when they discovered something that they did not like.
- Wow. Wow, guys. This was amazing. - Yes.
- Love it. You guys. - Charlie.
Look, guys. I'm so excited and I really can't wait
to be a part of the reenactment. I just want to throw that out there again,
but I'm just curious, like, as to why you guys are doing it?
I just was wondering.
- Fair. Fair. - Yeah. That's a good question. Like
So we realized that the kids don't know anything about 9/11 really.
It's like a joke or a meme to them.
And, like, "Never forget," you know?
We said, "Never forget," and they seemed to have forgotten.
I love this. I mean, I love this.
Human beings have been educating one another
through the method of song for generations
that predate even the most ancient of societies.
- Absolutely. - Yeah.
This particular song was instrumental,
- I would say, in our education - It was big for us.
and we just felt like it was due for an update. Right.
- It's due for an update. - Yes.
And I love that you guys did it almost better than Fall Out Boy, you know?
- With the lyric change and everything. - Yeah.
Well then, no this is Billy Joel's song.
No, no. The band Fall Out Boy, they already did an update
- Yeah. - like, of this song.
Changed all the lyrics and
Who's Fall Out Boy?
It's an emo band that did a really good update. It was really good.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- I thought that's why you-- - Yeah.
Will you excuse us for a moment?
We're gonna need a
- We're just gonna need a minute. - Okay.
Is it to go listen to their version?
- To - No.
- Okay.
Apparently, this Fall Out Boy thing was a big deal to them.
Son of a bitch!
Every goddamn time we try a single thing
this goddamn Fall Out Boy!
- Goddamn pricks! - Always a step ahead of us! Fuckers!
I mean, the Ed Hardy jeans.
- The spiked hair. - Yeah!
Plus the eyeliner! That was my look.
- He stole it from me. - - It was your look, Mac!
That has been your look!
- Goddamn Fall Out Boy. - - This goddamn Fall Out Boy.
I've got nothing for this.
In all my years of teaching primary school,
I have never seen a student of mine tantrum that long.
And these were full-grown adults
with fully-developed frontal lobes.
I thought they were done.
But then, I found this video online.
It was titled "Fall Out Boy can?t stop us."
? Caitlin Clark And Angel Reese ?
? Captain Sully hit some geese ?
? Marijuana legalized ?
? Price of copper Is on the rise ?
? Kaepernick takes a knee ?
? Ozempic cures obesity ?
? Y2K was overblown They shut down Guantánamo ?
We didn?t start the ?
I gotta hand it to these jabronis.
'Cause I didn?t really like the original,
'cause I felt like Billy Joel didn?t even try
to match the lyrics to the video,
but these guys, they milked the school
for every minute of content they could.
It reminded me of that verse on DMX?s "What You Want."
"There was Brenda, LaTisha, Linda, Felicia."
I wasn?t mad at it. It was a bop.
Look, at the end of the day, did I like those people?
No. I did not.
But I will admit
that what they did before they left was pretty nice.
Thank you all so much for coming here.
Please enjoy a round of drinks on us.
- Johnnie Walker Blue. - No spirits.
Chardonnay, please.
Gosh, we don't have a bottle already open.
- Yeah. - Okay. Heineken.
- Well, no imports though. - Yeah.
Jesus Christ.
How about an iced tea?
- Iced tea. - I think we have ice.
Nope. You don?t have ice.
- I already checked. And - Yeah, no.
We're off water altogether.
- Sorry. - We're not doing water anymore in the bar.
It's a whole thing.
I am so sorry, but why are we here?
- Like, what is this? - Right.
Yes, no. Fair. Um, yeah.
Well, listen, we just wanted to let you know
that our experience with you really touched us.
You know, you blindsided us with your heart
and your care for those children.
And while Frank is sorry that he couldn't be here today,
he did spring for this gift for your teacher's lounge.
Mac.
A new espresso machine.
Nice, right? We don't even have one of these.
May you be as happy as you are caffeinated.
Maybe they're kinda sweet. That was kinda sweet.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.
It wasn?t that sweet. Come with me.
I think they lured us down to their bar so the old one could do this.
He must?ve ripped out about a hundred feet of copper.
But on the bright side,
the state was gonna make us move out some old pipes,
so actually he saved us a few grand in construction costs.
I?m gonna lose my job if anyone sees this, so burn those tapes.
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