So Anne St. Marie.
Address, 386 Dupont Street, apartment 6F.
Profession, retired poetry professor.
And Madeline St. Marie.
Address, the same.
Profession, bicycle messenger.
And Madeline is your granddaughter.
And you would like to initiate adoption proceedings?
So you would like to adopt your adult granddaughter
so that she's legally your daughter?
That's right.
- How long have you lived here? - 1972.
Rent control.
Yeah. And the lease stipulates that it can only be passed on
to a spouse or child?
Otherwise, the rent could be raised to current market value.
Oh, I don't, I don't know. I-I'd have to check.
Well, in that case,
I suppose we should start on that adoption paperwork.
www.subtitulamos.tv
_
Three months.
Why does it gotta take three months?
I had to grease a few palms to get it through that fast.
It usually takes six.
When are you home tonight?
- 6:30. - Yeah, well,
don't be late for "Jeopardy!" again.
Nana, come on.
Guy got hit by a waffle truck last night.
It's a one-time thing.
Hey, Otto. When are you going to fix the hallway lights?
When you going to kiss my ass
for living in such a palatial apartment for a pittance?
You know how much I could be charging for that place?
Yep. Rent control's a bitch, ain't it?
Well, it takes one to know one, you old crone.
Go ahead, please.
Well, it's the best one.
- You should have it. - No. Please, I-I insist
I have taken the plum that was at the fruit stand,
which you were probably eyeing for breakfast.
You are forgiven.
It looks delicious.
So sweet and so cold.
Real asshole, that William Carlos Williams.
Steal someone's plum and then write a poem about it?
Yeah.
He was the worst.
Big Beefhead was one nickname
for this late 19th century president.
Who was Grover Cleveland?
Grover Cleveland. Good for a thousand.
- Back to you. - Off, 1,000.
Kick out the R from a pile of stones
on a hiking trail and wander aimlessly.
Nana, you okay?
What should we watch after this?
Uh, "Michael Clayton."
Nah, you always want to watch "Michael Clayton."
It's the perfect movie.
- What is Nova Scotia? - You got it.
Wild lines, 200.
_
Nana, I'm home early.
Nana?
Oh, what the...
What the...
Oh, fuck! Oh!
Looked at Grandma's pussy eyes! God!
Here.
This is my girlfriend, Kate.
Kate Forster. Hello.
Sorry.
We really didn't expect you till later.
Oh, yeah, no, careful.
I don't think you should scrub.
I-it's more of a dab.
I think I got it.
Thank you so much, Kate Forster.
Okay, well, I'm sensing a little bit of hostility.
Does it make you uncomfortable my relationship with your grandmother?
Yeah. It's walking in
on my nana having sex with a stranger
that makes me a little uncomfortable.
Mitten, I, I understand this is a shock.
I think it just,
I haven't really...
pictured you in a romantic context outside of
Grandpa, so...
No, I loved your grandpa very much.
It's just...
when I was younger, I dated quite a few people,
men and women,
and it's been a joy for me
to reconnect with that part of myself.
Nana, if you're happy, I'm happy.
Really?
Well, you still seem kind of upset.
It's probably from the pepper spray, Kate.
And you know what? Now that this Band Aid's been torn off,
I've been waiting for the right moment to bring this up.
I've asked Kate to move in with us.
It's going to be fun, roomie.
I'm not the guy that you kill. I'm the guy that you buy.
Are you so fucking blind you don't even see what I am?
I'm the easiest part of your whole goddamn problem,
and you're going to kill me?
Don't you know who I am? I'm a fixer.
I'm a bagman.
I do everything from shoplifting housewives to bent congressmen
and you're going to kill me?
Anything wrong, Maddy?
No, nothing's wrong.
Just trying to...
- watch the movie. - This movie is dumb.
All they do is talk.
I mean, I can't even follow the plot.
They talk in movies.
And it's also because you're not paying attention.
- I mean... - Girls. Girls!
Please.
It's fine.
It's just a movie.
- One second. - Everything okay?
You're so fucked.
What?
You're fucked.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
I need you to do something for me.
Ah, Maddy.
Delicates day for you as well?
Am I meant to pick up this folder?
Look inside?
What might it contain?
- "Jeopardy!" clues? - _
Your name isn't Kate Forster.
It's Amelia Peek.
And you're a liar and a felon.
Pieces of paper could never contain
the totality of a human life.
I don't care about the totality of your life.
I care about your prison record
and the three warrants you have out for your arrest.
Admit it.
You're after my nana's incredible rent-controlled apartment.
When I see your nana,
I see her beauty...
and her wonderful mind
and her endless capacity for sensual delights.
And quite frankly, it concerns me
that when you look at her,
all you see is a nice, cheap apartment.
Yeah. I ain't buying that shit.
You're an absolute fraud.
You're going to break it off and you're going to leave town now.
Or?
Or I'm sure the Minnesota Bureau of Criminal Apprehension
will be very interested to learn your whereabouts.
_
Do you think it's wise...
to threaten the person in this packet?
You don't know me
or what I've done...
or what I'm capable of.
Stay away from my nana.
Wowza.
That spin cycle is really something else.
Get the fuck out of town.
Okay, you win.
I'll go.
But can you just give me a couple days to say goodbye?
I want to let Anne down gently.
You can have one day.
_
You said you'd do it at 3. It's now 3:05.
Quit stalling.
Alright. Alright.
I just have some laundry in the wash.
Would you mind advancing it for me?
I'm not doing your fucking laundry.
I just need a minute alone with her, okay?
And then I'll be out of your hair...
forever.
- Hey, Nana? - Yeah.
I'm just going to pop down and do some laundry, okay?
- Okay, Mittens. Love you. - I love you too.
_
What do you think about putting in a breakfast nook?
Could be nice.
I think this is going to be good for me.
I got a good feeling about this.
New York City? Please explain.
Well, here's my working theory.
Everywhere I go, I get sucked into other people's bullshit.
Well, but here, the sheer volume of people,
I mean, just the amount of bullshit.
Well, I suspect it might work like some kind of a...
I don't know, white noise machine.
And, me, I can just be a person.
Now you're sure I'm not putting you out, right?
I haven't lived in Brooklyn for years.
I keep it as a tax write-off.
My poor pillows go unrumpled.
Eh. Okay, well, I'll be sure to rumple 'em good for you.
- Hey, what's up? - Good morning.
Hi.
Wow.
Hey. Hey, there.
Uh, those getting, uh,
scalloped or mashed or... Ow.
You're right. None of my business.
Ours is not to reason why so many potatoes.
See you.
Oh ho! Home is where the mustard is.
Who are you?
Are you subletting? Subletting is strictly forbidden.
No, I'm...
I'm just... I'm cat sitting for my Good Buddy.
He has a pet? That is so much worse.
No, no, I said cactus sitting. Cactus. Uh...
You didn't let me finish. I, uh...
Yeah, s-so I'm just here to water his succulents.
So you're not staying here?
Absolutely not.
Fine. But cacti famously don't require a lot of water.
So I shouldn't see you around here for at least another 10 days.
Okay, I will put that on my calendar, commendatore.
Phew. Geez.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Gosh, Abdul, this is really some place you got here.
I mean, you got smoothies, uh, chainsaws,
cheese as far as the eye can see.
Snow globes.
Yeah. You think I could get a job here?
I don't know who you are.
Oh, I'm Charlie, Charlie Cale,
- just lookin' for a job. - Excuse me, sir.
I bought this cantaloupe here earlier,
and it is just completely unacceptable.
That's bullshit.
I'm sorry. Do you want another?
No, what I'd like is to exchange it for four mangoes.
- I think it's perfectly fair. - Also bullshit.
I'm sorry. Can I help you?
Help? Um, uh...
You're fine.
Honestly, your fruit scams are your business.
Well, maybe it could be our business.
Let me buy you a pasta dinner.
I want to know everything there is to know about you.
Oh, gosh.
You don't mean that but, uh, flattered nonetheless.
Oh, you got a keen sense of the truth, huh?
You're what I like to call a eagle-eyed Jim.
An Honest Thomas.
And other things, I'm sure.
Lucille Lambchop. Thanks, Abdul. See you.
Alright.
Hey, cactus lady.
Hey!
I'm talking to you.
I still see you.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit.
God.
Did you shut that door?
Uh, yeah. Sorry. Why?
This place is a death trap.
The landlord doesn't fix a goddamn thing.
Uh, Otto, right? Well, that's the guy I was fleeing.
It turns out I guess he doesn't really like subletters, so, uh...
Geez, man. Shit.
How do we get out of here?
What are you doing?
I'm a bike messenger,
so prepared for anything.
Packages and stuff.
- Fucking Otto. - Right.
Fucking Otto.
- This is like Chernobylicious, huh? - _
_
Jesus!
Spin cycle on these things is bananas.
Seems so. Seems so.
Okay. Sorry about that. Sorry about the door.
You know, I'm new here, and I don't know protocol.
I don't really know the protocol because I'm not supposed to be living here and...
- I'm Charlie, by the way. - Maddy.
Hey, Maddy.
So you've been here living here a while?
A couple years. I live with my nana.
Um, she's been here forever.
Parents kicked me out in high school,
and she took me in.
Do you like "Jeopardy!"?
Well, it sure has a way of finding me.
I can't say I like it.
Though there is something invigorating
about confronting your own mortality.
I meant the game show.
Well, Yeah. Fuck yeah.
Who is Buckminster Fuller?
Buckminster Fuller is the dome guy. That's correct.
What a life, huh?
It's just like, honeydew, "Jeopardy!." What more could you want?
Well, we could watch "Michael Clayton" for the 800th time.
Oh, perfect movie.
- I knew I liked you. - Yeah.
Man, Anne, this is, like, some place, huh?
What are you, an oligarch or something?
Retired poetry professor.
I've been in here since the early '70s though.
And it's rent controlled.
Holy holy grail of apartments.
We're trying to work it so we can keep the cheap rent forever.
So Nana's going to adopt me.
Wow. No shit?
Oh, I can't wait to see the look on Otto's face when he finds out.
- Yoo-hoo? - In here.
Sorry I'm late.
- Had to pick the right mango. - Ooh.
Thank you.
And you are?
Ah, Charlie.
New to the building, but don't tell Otto.
Charlie,
do you have your library card yet?
- Here we go. - What?
Ricardo's a very passionate librarian.
It's not just my job, it's my calling.
If you ever need something researched,
I'm your guy.
So Ricardo, you're like a walking, talking epitome
of don't judge a book by its cover, huh?
Yeah, are they... are they hiring?
Kind of.
Downside is the librarians' union is so corrupt.
Dude, do you need a job? You should have asked me.
- I can hook you up. - Oh, it's going to be alright.
I did see a, a flyer
for a remote work opportunity, so...
Stop sign, person.
Stop sign.
Stop sign, person.
Stop sign.
Stop sign, person.
- Hello. - Person.
Oh, sorry!
Do you want this coffee?
Do I want this coffee?
It's just a regular black coffee,
and they accidentally made me two
and you just kind of look sad at your laptop,
dead-eyed, tapping.
Me? No, no, no. I...
Hey, I-I'll have you know that,
well, I am a bonafide CAPTCHA technician.
Yeah. You see? So I basically, I decide
what's stop signs and what's not all day.
I mean, it is dirty work,
but, you know, somebody's gotta do it.
Sure.
Not coffee. It's not coffee.
Butterscotch pumpkin mochaccino.
They messed it up.
I am so sorry.
Oh. And I said it was black coffee and I lied. That's awful.
Ah, no, no, it's fine.
You're trying to do something nice and, and you didn't lie.
- They messed it up. - I can return it.
It's growing on me.
Well, leave it to me to fuck up a random act of kindness.
Pay it forward, I guess.
Crosswalk.
Building.
Firetruck.
Crowd.
Everyone, if I could have your attention.
There was an accident involving toxic chemicals
in the laundry room.
We should all steer clear for a few days.
Hi. Hey. You said we?
Sure. I live here.
Micky, 1G.
Oh, wow. Uh, 1G. Hey, I'm GG.
So I'm right below you.
Who's the tap dancer?
That would be me.
Oh, boy. You're a real John Bubbles, huh?
I had a short-lived off-Broadway career,
but now I just do it to relieve stress sometimes.
Oh yeah, of course. Do you ever miss the limelight?
Sometimes. This pays the bills.
I got a wife and kid now.
Could you tell me what happened?
Hey, Micky, need a hand here.
- See ya. - It's a freak accident, apparently.
Tenant was doing laundry,
spilled some bleach on some descaler,
and the sodium hypochlorite reacted
with the phosphoric acid and created chlorine gas.
The broken lock meant the tenant was trapped inside.
Gosh, they died?
- Yes. - Jesus.
Also, are you a chemist or something?
'Cause that was a very detailed breakdown.
No, no. I was an investigative journalist
for "The Observer" before I got blackballed
after sucker punching Rex Reed.
- No shit? - Then I did a stint
as managing editor at "Vague" before retiring.
Oh, "Vogue." I mean, that's a big deal.
No, no. "Vague" magazine. Different publication.
Ah. What's that one about?
This and that.
Hey, do you know who the tenant was?
No, but I knew her grandmother, Anne.
She's lived here forever.
Oh, geez.
Oh, shit.
Oh, hello again. Nice fruit.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
I'm, uh, I'm looking for Anne.
Mm. She's in mourning right now.
Yeah, I know. It's, uh... It's awful. I, uh...
I came by to say how sorry I was.
By bringing a pineapple?
Oh, I, uh...
Yeah, I remember that Anne likes fruit.
And someone did something nice for me,
told me to pass it on. I...
A pineapple of condolence.
A lovely gesture. She'll be very touched.
Yeah. Sorry. So sorry.
Just, uh, you said you're a friend of Anne's?
- We're engaged actually. - Bullshit.
Excuse me?
Sorry. Forget it. I...
None of my business.
Oh, that's right.
You're a savvy one.
Eagle-eyed Jim.
Well, we're going to be engaged.
Very soon.
You said you, you live here?
But it's nuts, I, uh...
I was here a few weeks ago. I thought, uh,
I thought it was just Anne and Maddy.
Recent development.
Thanks for the pineapple.
Those must be some thirsty cacti.
Either that or you are a liar.
A dirty, filthy, subletting liar.
You have a lot of nerve, okay?
- A woman is dead because of you. - Oh, that's baloney.
You refused to fix the lock. She got stuck,
and now her blood is on your cheapskate hands.
But I did fix the lock.
Wait, that's true. What?
The bleach fell from there
and, uh, well, that must be the descaler,
which I have to say, that sounds like some sort
of a weird torture device for iguanas.
Chernobylicious.
Hey, that bottle was on that shelf.
- I recognize the goo. - Oh, the descaler?
I use it on the boiler sometimes.
Okay. So then what's it doing down here?
Clearly someone moved it.
Eh, Otto, I'm going to ask you something,
and I don't want you to take this personally.
- Did you murder Maddy? - What? No!
Ah, you didn't.
- Why would I kill her? - I don't know.
Gosh, maybe you were, you know, mad that they were doing
this whole rent-controlled adoption scheme
and you wanted to stop it.
They were running a rent-controlled adoption scheme?
Had I known that, I would've killed her.
Oh, okay. That was not a lie.
So, uh, just so I'm clear,
what you're saying is that you didn't murder Maddy,
- but you would've. - Totally.
Your candor is alarming.
Uh, okay. Ah...
Look, we both agree this is fishy, right?
I mean, you fix it, and yet it's broken.
Over here, well,
the descaler just flew over here from nowhere.
And anybody that lives here knows this laundry room.
I mean, they know that this, uh, spin cycle is just bonkers.
This isn't the handle I installed.
This is a Schlage F50.
I installed a Schlage F30.
I never would've sprung for an upgraded model.
Oh, I see.
What you're saying is that
whoever bought this Sludge F50,
well, they're the one that set up this whole Rube Goldberg of death?
Who cares? It means I'm not liable.
Now feed the cacti and get out.
I see.
Maybe this will bring you some comfort?
This is all I have left of her now.
I can't believe this has happened.
"The art of losing isn't hard to master."
"Though it might look like disaster."
_
Did Maddy have any friends that worked at the library?
Uh, Ricardo in 2B.
Why?
I'm putting together a tribute
and I don't want to leave anybody out.
I'm going to pop out for a few errands. Do you want anything?
I don't want to stay here anymore.
It's perfectly normal to feel that way.
You've suffered a loss
but just remember,
this too shall pass.
Hey.
Abdul. How's it going?
I don't know who you are.
Oh, gosh. You're not lying,
but you are a little hurtful. I am in here a lot
and like to think I have a memorable mug.
Hey, do you remember, um,
did anybody buy one of these doorknobs recently?
Oh, yeah. Schlage F50? Yes, they did.
Oh. Great. Uh, who was it?
I have no idea.
I'm sorry.
I have face blindness.
I can remember people's orders and purchases
but none of their physical characteristics.
Oh, got it.
Well, me, I'm the chopped cheese with pepperoncinis,
extra provolone, side of vape.
Oh, yes, of course. Welcome back.
It's good to see you.
You're one of my favorites.
Ah, that's nice.
So, uh, hey, the person that purchased this doorknob,
you remember their order?
Uh, no, they don't get sandwiches.
But they do buy a lot of fruit.
Does it happen to be a very sweet old lady who loves poetry?
This is an intense condition.
So you don't know if the person in question was a 70-year-old woman?
They buy yogurt, nuts,
but mostly fruit.
And often they're not happy with the fruit too.
Try to return it for multiples of other fruit.
Ricardo, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
I'm bad news.
But you know that
because I read your little book report.
You've been inside?
Yeah, I've been inside all day,
but I'm about to go out.
Inside,
like prison inside.
Oh, no.
Then what's with all the tats?
I just love the art of visual storytelling.
Well, the first thing you learn inside
is that anyone can be got to,
at any time.
Accidents happen.
Have you ever seen "Anatomy of a Fall?"
It's a great dog performance.
But people slip and fall.
But without a witness,
it's impossible to know if it was an accident
or if they were pushed.
Do you understand what I'm saying, Ricardo?
Are you going to keep your mouth shut?
Okay.
Okay, good.
Hm, this is a nice place.
Is that a William Eggleston?
Ah, great, Ricardo.
Hey, I wanted to ask you a couple of questions.
Uh, it's about, uh, Anne's new girlfriend.
You know her, right?
Um, no. No, I've never met her.
What?
Bullshit.
Maybe I wasn't clear. I'm talking about that,
you know, that uptight chick,
the one with the sketchy energy?
Oh, you know, I don't like to judge books by their cover.
And who does? I mean, I don't judge any books by any covers.
Just, do you know if Katie and Maddy had, like, a beef or something?
- I just... - I don't know anything
That's bullshit again.
What is going on with you?
Seriously? Are you mixed up in this somehow?
- No. - Ricardo,
you know that this Katie chick is, uh, shady as fuck, right?
I mean, she...
Maddy...
Yeah?
Hey. Hey, Maddy what?
I mean...
Ah, geez, Really? Come on.
Ricardo!
Saved by the bell? Ricardo.
Okay, sheesh.
Shush, I hear a fire alarm. Easy.
- Oh, hey. - Geez,
feels like I'm working from home these days.
Yeah. Yeah, I can imagine. So, hey, Micky, what's the, uh, procedure here?
We just gotta verify it's a false alarm,
then we'll let everyone back in.
Hey, also, I want to thank you.
After our talk earlier, I realized I do miss the stage.
I'm going out for an audition next week.
Hey, that's great. I'm glad I could help, neighbor.
You ever need a favor, you know where I live.
Or I guess you can call 911.
Yeah. Oh, hey, Micky.
Uh, have you seen, uh, Ricky, Ricky Ricardo, around?
- No. - Nah?
- Ah. Hey, Ricky, uh... - I don't know anything.
I don't know shit. Please stop talking to me!
Okay.
I know what you did.
- What did I do? - Y-y-you killed Maddy,
then you rigged the laundry room to make it look like an accident.
And then you, you swapped out the Schleizies, the Schlakes,
the Schal... Schlaze...
You changed the door handles.
Abdul confirmed it.
The face blind store clerk?
It's not what you know, Honest Thomas,
it's what you can prove.
I don't think you're going to find many willing proof providers.
Jesus.
Oh, fuck yeah. This place is so sick.
I'm sorry. Can I help you?
What's your polly on renos?
I'd like to install an ice plunge
in the dining room so I can digest at 34 degrees.
- That's my opti-tempy. - Well, of course.
But I should mention there is a broker's fee.
Not a big deal. Just 18 months rent.
Do I look fucking poor to you?
I'm sorry. What's going on here?
I'm doing a showing.
So how soon can you move in?
How soon can you kick Miss Freckles to the curb?
Anne...
there is a very unpleasant man
traipsing around our living room.
Yeah, I told Otto to list the apartment.
I was gone an hour.
Why would you do that?
I tried to tell you earlier,
I don't want to live here anymore.
You can't decide that unilaterally.
We're supposed to be partners.
It's still my apartment.
Yes, of course.
But we've been talking about getting married,
and then it will be become our apartment.
Don't you think I deserve to be consulted?
Well, we can be married anywhere.
Why does it have to be here?
Let's go see the country.
Anne, come here.
I have seen the country,
and it doesn't get much better
than a sumptuous rent-controlled New York penthouse
with crown molding and two goddamn fireplaces.
I'm sorry, but...
I cannot stay here.
It hurts too much.
Okay.
Hey, I get it.
But...
Okay.
Why don't we get married now?
And then hit the road. I mean, why wait?
Then we could see the country as a married couple. I mean, wouldn't that be better?
Oh, I don't know.
I appreciate the sentiment, but...
Okay, okay. Well, you know what, I'm going to go get the paperwork.
Alright? Just wait here.
Hey, Anne, I know this is going to sound crazy,
but I, uh, I think you might be in jeopardy.
Darling, I got the forms.
Now all we need is a witness.
You again.
Charlie, could Kate and I have a moment alone?
Yeah, I'll just, uh, go feed the pigeons.
- We don't have pigeons. - Yeah, well, not with that attitude.
Darling, what were you two discussing?
Charlie has an interesting theory.
She thinks you're after this apartment
and that you seduced me under false pretenses
so you can marry me and then bump me off.
And she thinks that you concocted this elaborate scheme
to murder my dear beloved granddaughter
because she was going to expose you.
Do you believe that?
She's a crazy person.
Hey. Hey!
I had nothing to do with Maddy's death.
I would do anything to have her back here with us right now.
But she's gone.
And I know the one thing that she would've wanted
is for you not to be alone.
I want to provide for you.
I want to marry you.
I'm going to take such good care of you.
We can be happy together...
here.
Bu-but Charlie just seems so sure.
She said she was close to finding proof.
Hey, let me handle this.
Why don't you run down to the laundry and get my clothes out of the dryer
and when you get back,
she'll be gone, okay?
I'm not going to let her ruin our new lives together.
In this three bedroom, four bath,
two fireplace apartment in New York for $800 a month.
640.
Wow.
- Okay. - Yeah.
You're cooked, aren't you?
Well, here's how I figured it out.
First, it was that yellow goo on the descaler.
I knew I'd seen it before...
- Whoa! - Well done, Charlie!
- Roll to your right. - Gosh!
Hey, Micky, thanks for setting that up for me.
No problem. I told you I owe you one.
You're so fucked.
What?
You're fucked.
Darling, who's this?
He's my witness.
Charlie was right about you.
And so was Maddy.
You really should have paid attention during "Michael Clayton."
Gosh, I, uh...
Gosh,
I'm real sorry about Maddy and Kate too, for that matter.
It really sucks when you find out
someone isn't who you thought they were.
Gosh, you're really going to leave this place?
What,
to roam the land?
"Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,
"gently they go.
"The beautiful, the tender, the kind,
"quietly they go.
"The intelligent, the witty, the brave,
"I know,
"but I do not approve.
And I am not resigned."
I've been here too long anyway.
- Thanks. - I don't think you get it.
It's a big-ass bed, but it's a circle, not a rectangle.
Then we'll just tear out all the wood floors,
replace it with carpet or something more soft
And a shit ton of taxidermy.
But, like, ironic.
Oh, yeah, boys,
this place is gonna fuck.
www.subtitulamos.tv