_
You see? See, I swear we drove past that before.
Should I get the map?
You know where we are on the map?
No.
Neither do I.
Like, yeah. I think we're gonna have to stay out here tonight
and head to the cabin in the morning.
What do you think?
I think there's a good chance that it's a dump.
Yeah. I mean, then we'll leave.
But I need to make sure I have enough energy
to do justice to our first night together as husband...
and wife.
Well, Cold River Motel, you have got a lot to live up to.
Let's go.
It's strange having a hotel in the middle of nowhere.
It's so quiet.
Look, I don't feel good about this place.
It looks okay.
If it's grim, we bail.
Promise.
Hello? Anyone home?
Sorry.
Was getting a little busy back there.
We'd like a room for the night.
Okay. Yeah, sure.
I mean, can, take your pick.
You have a honeymoon suite?
Let's see.
It's, your lucky night.
Hey.
- Oh, you need a credit card or something? - Oh, no.
You guys take a load off,
and, we can deal with the paperwork in the morning.
Oh, we have guests?
Hello.
- Hi. - Hey.
Is that your truck outside? The newlyweds?
Yes. That's us.
What do you say we throw in a free bottle of champers?
You can't start your honeymoon without bubbly.
That would be criminal.
Thank you. That is very generous.
I was a little worried when we drove up.
Other side of the world with nothing around for miles, I get it.
Now, you don't slip carrying your bride over the threshold.
I got it.
- Thank you. - Thank you....
- Yeah. - Alright.
And, we will drop off your bottle
and an ice bucket in 10 minutes.
Let's go.
I love it.
It's funny and dated.
So is the guy you married.
Let's get these clothes off.
Oh, that's exactly what I was thinking.
Freshen up, you horndog.
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
Don't take too long.
We'll consummate our marriage and...
make it all kinds of official.
I'm about to make that very easy for you, Mr. Ridgeley.
Oh, that sounds good. That sounds good.
I...
I got a big surprise for you, honey.
A big one?
I've got a surprise for you, too.
Champagne's here.
I think you got the wrong...
Caitlyn.
Caitlyn!
Okay, you dirty devil.
Caitlyn!
www.subtitulamos.tv
_
So, I-I've seen photos of your installations,
you know, and I know you're re-creating crime scenes,
but you really do evoke the feeling
of what they're really like, you know?
That means a lot, especially coming from someone
with your direct experience. Thank you.
You know, I read a paper on your work.
The blood and bones, that's all real?
I don't fake anything. I don't think I should.
Me neither, honey.
Every one of my oohs and ahs is guaranteed legit.
So you've really slept with all those serial killers?
Yeah. One away from a dangerous dozen.
You may have given birth to Baphomet's baby
in "Doomed Service 4: Generations."
How I'd like to forget that movie.
But I screwed the actual druid.
Not the actual famous druid.
The original druid.
Those two kids were copycats. Yawn.
Hi. I don't think I know you.
Sorry.
Okay.
Crow.
I just like to feel the energy of the place as we get close.
I feel it all over.
Guys, I cannot believe we get to go to the place
where the Cold River Slaughter took place.
Yeah, I've been studying the events of that night for years.
Yeah, for me, I mean, this place is right behind
the Polanski Tate mansion. I mean, it's... it's big.
Yeah, but they caught Manson.
Baphomet is still out there.
You cannot tell me that that forestry guy...
- What's his name? - David Rene.
- Yes. You cannot tell me he was the killer. - But then he killed himself.
Sounds guilty. What about you, Crow?
Forestry guy, trucker, the local chief of police.
What's your theory?
I've long since shed theories.
I listen to the spirits,
and they're telling me that this is going to be
a very challenging weekend for all of us
and that we'd best be ready for unimaginable...
pain.
Fucking A, Crow.
We didn't all sign up for some shiny happy people shit.
We're rolling in in a big-ass hearse.
How's that for a jinx?
There it is.
Look at all these trees.
- I like it. - Welcome, everyone.
We are so glad to have you here,
handpicked for our inaugural weekend.
Each one of you is a V.I.P. of the true-crime scene,
whether it be podcasting,
movies,
academia,
art,
the spiritual,
or the experiential.
You are the best, the most devoted.
The completely obsessed.
And we share that obsession
and can think of no one who deserves to join us
for our opening weekend more than all of you.
So welcome to the Cold River Motel,
proudly restored to its true-crime glory.
- What do you want with these? - Just inside.
Now, please follow us to check in
where star-crossed lovers Joey and Caitlyn
first started on their heartbreaking path.
To quote a little movie's tagline,
check in for the night,
but check out in a body bag.
Thank you.
Thank you, JP.
You should get going before that big storm hits.
Well, there's no cell service out in the boonies,
and our landline has yet to be installed.
Thank you, unreliable rural hell.
Our motel does have satellite Wi-Fi all set up
so you can post every last morbid morsel of fun
we get up to this weekend.
It's so strange to be in the real place after all the movies.
I mean, I've been here before,
just not really, you know?
Art mirrors life.
Oh, shit!
That's where Eric bled out.
Fake, obviously, in honor of what was there.
Somebody knows their Cold River murder facts.
This is where it started. Eric, the owner, he got stabbed
and then made his way all the way down to the basement.
God, imagine bleeding out for that long.
I actually don't have to. I've lived through it.
Were there other bloodstains that were still here
when you bought the place?
In some rooms, yes.
Was there any new evidence uncovered during those renos?
Sadly, no.
Imagine if, by reopening the motel,
you close the circle
and we discover who Baphomet really is.
Now, that would be a benediction.
- The Wi-Fi, can we get the... - Okay, honeymoon suite.
I need to see the...
_
Three.
Five.
Caitlyn and Joey's honeymoon suite.
_
I'm too hot to die!
Cut!
That was incredible.
I don't know how you made that line work, but you did.
Oh, my God, do you need a minute?
No. I'm fine. I really am fine.
- Thank you. So it was good then? - Are you kidding me?
- Half of us are crying over there. - Oh, good. Good. Okay. Awesome.
Awesome. That's good to hear.
Okay, well, I'm good to go again.
- Yeah? - Honestly, yeah, whatever you need.
You know, crying and dying is easy for me, so.
Fantastic. Okay, well, you heard her.
Let's do it again!
Thanks, guys.
Hi.
So this is where it all happened.
- Worst art ever. - Yep.
Pretty crazy to stand here.
That poor woman.
Playing her, I had to try and imagine what it would have been like,
but actually being here?
I have no idea what the hell her or any of them went through.
I mean, how could I?
We should probably get out of here.
- That lady... - Ruby?
I think she has a plan she doesn't want us deviating from.
We are gonna start our weekend with a scrumptious meal
by none other than chef of three-star flesh and sinew...
Hemmingway!
Bon soir, madames and messieurs,
please strap in.
I've thought long and hard about the kind of cuisine
that would do justice to the Cold River,
such a dark and storied place.
Then I realized there could be nothing more resonant
than for us to eat...
Caitlyn herself.
Oh, my God!
This is messed up.
Unreal.
Are you a leg man?
That was in bad taste.
Not to mention disgusting.
Everything you see is made of the most delicious meats,
tofus, and grains.
The leg is bone-in, naturally.
The flanks are for vegans.
I'll be sticking to that, thank you.
Not me. Total carnivore over here.
Well, actually, exocannibalism has been practiced
in every corner of the world.
Great power can be derived eating
the flesh of your enemies.
Caitlyn was a victim. She's no one's enemy.
Of course not.
She's my favorite victim in the world.
And we're both Capricorns.
The blood and body of Caitlyn.
It's...
It's really good.
Oh, my God, guys, you have to try it.
- This is incredible. - Thank you, Caitlyn.
I'm not usually a lamb guy but damn, this is good.
Who knew you could be so delicious, girl?
Oh, boy.
Next, a blood palate cleanser.
What?
- This looks so realistic. - Oh, my God.
I don't drink, so I'll pass.
How'd you get the viscosity?
Corn syrup?
Corn syrup, how very dare you.
This amazing meal is just the first of many special events
that Portia and I have planned for you this weekend.
Next up, Crow is going to lead us in a séance
in the very place where the black celebration happened 30 years ago.
A séance? I'm there.
Good because attendance is mandatory.
To the Cold River Slaughter clique.
Nothing but the best for the obsessed.
Cheers to that.
So metallic.
Seriously, how'd you make this?
There's a tiny bit of vodka in there.
The rest is 100% me.
My blood, that is.
- Get out of here. - It's true.
You all just drank my blood, my personal sacrifice.
- What? - Are you crazy?
Do you know how unhygienic that is? Jesus!
Do you know the health of the animals you eat?
The ones you eat raw? Your sushis, your beef tartare.
It's not the same thing.
You're damn right it's not
because I just gave you a piece of me.
And I, for one, thank you wholeheartedly.
If this is what's going to happen this weekend, just call back the limo.
Speak of the devil.
Did anyone leave anything in the stretch hearse?
Other than our common sense, no.
Hello?
Coming, JP.
- Something dropped... - Hi.
C-can we come in? It's a hurricane out there.
We are trapped.
I'm afraid that we are closed for the whole weekend
- for a private event. - Oh, okay.
The police scanner is saying that the roads
and highways are impassable.
There's trees down, roads washed out.
- The bridge to Kenwood is gone. - Yeah.
- So we were just wondering if we could... - Sorry. No vacancy.
As my partner said, this is a private and exclusive weekend.
Could we at least park our R.V.
in the back corner of your parking lot?
Just till the storm blows over.
The entire premises are being used for the event,
so I'm afraid that's not possible.
Okay.
Well, navigating that R.V.
on these roads isn't possible either.
I could barely see out the window.
Like, I-I wouldn't normally ask, but...
we're stuck.
Fine.
But the motel itself is off-limits.
You won't even notice we're there.
We have everything we need in the R.V.
And with that thunder, you won't even hear Floyd snoring.
Happy camping.
Make sure it stays that way.
Sorry.
Every detail of the Cold River Motel
is a murderous experience.
Each murder room showcases a quote from Dante.
"All hope abandon, ye who enter here."
- That feeling. - Behind this door,
Baphomet stabbed Kenny Vitelli with such vigor
that pieces of his skin were found stuck to the ceiling.
Is this my room? I'm down to trade if it's someone else's.
The red doors are rooms where the murders actually took place.
They're set aside as shrines.
No one sleeps in them.
Look at that.
Is this the spot he was murdered?
- That spot exactly. - How do you know for sure?
Well, the knife marks on the floor,
bloodstains in the wood.
Most people don't think about these things
when they buy a property like this.
Okay. Say I gave you $100. Do you think you could just make an exception?
No.
These are art installations by some of the world's
most edgy pop artists, including one by our very own Kawayan.
Please save the honeymoon suite for me.
It's a special, heartbreaking place.
Our next event begins in one hour
in the basement where Caitlyn was sacrificed.
Crow is going to lead us on a séance.
And hopefully we'll have the chance to commune with Caitlyn herself.
I have so many questions for her.
Paige, do you think I could get some shots of you in the honeymoon suite?
Like waking up pretending to be Caitlyn.
We have a Caitlyn costume at the ready.
We knew this would come up.
Yeah, I'd be happy to.
Any questions?
I guess you revamp an old motel like this and that
touchy-feely, "I got ADHD" wacko is the kind of person
you're going to get staying here.
We were a little wacko at their age.
Yeah. But we refined as we got older.
That crowd looks like it might stay that way.
You weren't lying about that refinement.
That better not be that bossy one asking us
to get out of Dodge after all.
- Hi. Can I come in? - Yes.
It's so quick, quick.
- Hi. - Hi.
Call that little cutie Hoopoo.
- Did you macrame it yourself? - No.
No, I got it at a Sally Ann near Flint.
Floyd and I grew up in Saginaw.
I love it in here. It's so comfy and normal.
I'm a big fan of normal after today.
So it's not just us?
Your friends over there, they're a little...
They're not my friends. They're not...
We're up here for this...
special weekend.
In the middle of nowhere?
What am I missing?
You have no idea what this motel is famous for?
It seems just like any other motel
from St. John's to San Diego.
True.
But if I said Cold River Slaughter,
- does that ring any bells? - Oh, yeah.
That happened a long time ago.
I-I saw an episode about it on some news magazine show.
Oh, my God, you're her.
You're that actress from the movies.
Oh, that's right, we saw two of those on the TV.
- What are they called again? - "Doomed Service."
- Yeah. - Yes.
They're based on what happened here 30 years ago.
That... That happened here?
All those murders?
Jesus. I'm starting to regret we turned down this road.
So what, this is some kind of creepy pilgrimage?
That doesn't sound right.
Ruby and Portia are relaunching the motel,
and they wanted us all up here for its inaugural weekend
to get the word out, I guess.
So you are here to play the part of...
Caitlyn Ridgeley, yeah.
Yeah, at the time.
Anyways, I was wondering...
Once the roads are good,
could I catch a ride with you guys?
Even to the next town over.
I-I just feel really gross being here and doing this.
I'm sorry. I know you don't know me and I-I know you're on your holiday.
- I'm sorry. - Of course.
Of course you can come with us.
Can't she, Floyd?
We'd be honored.
Friends back home are gonna flip when they hear.
We have room. And you're right.
You should leave. It's not right.
Murder shouldn't be some selfie-snapping joke.
I want to put everything that's ever happened here behind me...
for good.
- Thanks for the tea. - Things get weird,
- you run back here, okay? - Okay.
Cut!
What? What?
What the... Who the hell?
And that is promo gold.
Exactly what we're paying you for.
Even to the final-girl fall while being chased!
Bravissima!
Of course, everything that happens
or is produced this weekend
can and will be used to promote the Cold River.
I know I didn't agree to that.
Small-print, folks. It's all in there. There's no deception.
We give you an amazing free weekend at the number-one
true-crime destination,
and you give us the right to use whatever comes up
for promotional purposes.
Typical influencer engagement contract.
- I'm not an influencer. - Neither am I.
But I'll take the publicity.
Yeah, you scratch my back with a butcher knife, I'll scratch yours.
Awesome. And good for you, Kawayan, I mean that.
- But I work in academia. - Which is notoriously boring.
So I can't be seen screaming down a hall
wearing some true-crime cosplay to shill for a motel.
Then why did you even come here?
Obviously, poor shrubs, I'm good with it.
I came for access for my research.
Right. So you can put us all under a microscope dish
in some masturbatory essay
so you can snag some big grant.
Yeah, yeah, my big academic exposé
on a desperate chef flogging
some tacky gimmick to hide the fact
that when his food isn't too dry,
it's way too salty.
Look, are you okay with them using you like this?
Mocking you to promote this place?
They chased you with a knife.
I run from knives for a living.
Yeah, on your movie set, sure, but you're...
You're being paid to be here.
Sorry. What?
Are you telling me I cooked an entire meal gratis
while the washed-up scream queen here charges a fee?
For what? Shaking her tits?
Hey, watch it, asshole.
Well, I suppose she's got to make a living somehow.
It's not like the old career is tearing along, eh?
Hey, she's a freaking legend.
Yes, a legend for looking great naked
while covered in blood.
At least she did when she was 19.
I read about the new flick,
how they're reimagining the "Doomed Service" franchise
without you.
I know, but
I'm afraid all that Botox and whatever else
you've done or are planning on doing
is not going to make you young or relevant again.
I'll just be in my room.
You are a grade-A piece of shit.
Yeah, she can act a lot better than you can cook.
Oh, right, now everybody hates my cooking.
But it's true. You know it, I know it. Even she knows it.
You have the sensitivity of a psychopath.
I thought that's what turned you on, baby.
Unfortunately for you, I don't bed women
whose body count is made up exclusively of serial killers.
And you want to know why?
Because that kind of trophy sex usually means...
crazy.
I've had enough of this pathetic weekend.
As soon as the road's clear, I'm going to hitch a ride back to town
with the normies in their R.V.s.
Oh, and by the way, ladies,
if anyone deserves to be paid for this weekend,
it's Hemmingway.
Put that in your fucking promo video.
_
Hey.
You alright?
Sure. Yeah.
I'm used to being a big joke.
Hemmingway's an idiot. Forget him.
I can't escape her.
I begged the director of those movies
to cast me in his new indie, but...
No luck.
Zero.
I try. I keep trying. But this...
The only paying gig I can get is... was her.
You know, way back, I knew I shouldn't have taken that part,
but I was 17 and I was kicked out of my house
and I needed the money.
Look, if any of us had our high school jobs filmed,
we'd be embarrassed.
Well, I was naked for mine,
so nobody takes me seriously.
And nobody wants a 30-something final girl.
Okay, you know,
older people, they get killed all the time.
Worst part is being here, doing this,
it's just more disrespect for Caitlyn.
Yeah. It's... it's weird.
I mean, she wasn't even the only person who died that night.
Yeah, it's the usual bullshit.
The same sexist, woman-hating rumors about her.
She was on a honeymoon with a guy she left her husband for.
So that makes her a slut.
And she was wearing lingerie,
so that meant I had to be totally naked.
- Yeah, it's all, pretty crass. - Yeah.
You know, the awful thing is,
the real Caitlyn was a sweet woman
finally out of a bad marriage,
back with her high-school sweetheart.
And they got one night together.
Not even that.
Yeah, her second chance.
God knows I know what needing one of those feels like.
It's just so sad and so wrong.
Thanks.
_
Oh, Ruby. That is so sad.
Spoiler alert...
I'm not a sucker like your horror mascot in there.
Oh, so scary. Look at me. I'm shaking.
This weekend is just a joke.
And so is this motel.
I'm going to burn it all down online.
Fuss... if you want.
I'm not even looking.
It's Hemmingway time.
"No one thinks of how much blood it costs."
'Cause that's what I want to read on my motel room door.
It's from Dante's "Inferno." They're all quotes from that.
And the quote for a night here is 335 buckaroos.
And it's funny because I don't remember receiving $335 from you.
You both have been right generous,
allowing us to park on your lot, but you see,
the thing is that the R.V. park we were supposed to overnight at,
they have showers, and we're not carrying enough water.
So we were... we were just wondering...
No. No way. Not this weekend.
But we promise the showers will be even cleaner
than before we stepped in.
They'll be as clean as they are now because...
Unless you're a paying guest, you're not stepping into one of them.
Alright.
Well, that's a pretty expensive shower.
Hey, don't use up all the hot water.
Room 4.
And stay away from the guests.
"If the present world goes astray,
the cause is in you."
You girls might want to take that one to heart.
Damn it, it's hot.
Right. It's...
Ruby, you've had your fun.
Alright?
Open the door. I'm getting light-headed.
Ruby!
No. I'm serious! I-I-I feel sick.
Just...
This heat is not good for the brain.
Ruby!
Okay, look.
I'll be nicer. Okay?
I-I'll even give the place a glowing review.
Just open the goddamn door!
Get me out of here! Open the door!
Ruby!
Hey! Let me out of here!
Ruby, for fuck's sake!
Let me out!
We know this symbol
or we think we do.
We call it a pentagram,
when in fact it's a pentacle.
We associate it with Satan, dark magic,
when, in fact,
its original intent
was to protect the bearer from evil spirits
while alluring good ones.
Like the spirit of our innocent sister,
Caitlyn Ridgeley...
who we will strive to commune with,
seeking to answer the question
we all want to know...
Who was the all-too-human demon
that slaughtered Caitlyn and seven others
30 years ago?
I call upon you
to aid me in summoning forth
Caitlyn.
Caitlyn Ridgeley, we summon you.
Come to us from the other side.
Tell us who struck you down.
Caitlyn, why won't you cross over to this plane?
One of our tribe is missing.
Hemmingway.
We're better off without him.
No. No. Everyone must be here.
If the circle is not closed,
Caitlyn's spirit might get confused.
I saw Mr. Hot Air heading towards the sauna.
Hemmingway, I hope you're decent.
Hemmingway, are you in there?
- Hello? - Hemmingway!
Ruby?!
What's going on?
- Guys? - Hey!
Ruby. What's going on?
- What the hell is happening? - I found Hemmingway in there.
I'm calling him, but he won't answer.
- Why is there a lock on it? - Who would lock him in?
- Okay, we got to pry this lock off. - I got it.
Come on, bastard!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
- He's Heminway. - Oh, my God.
That wasn't an accident.
He was left in there to cook.
We don't know that, friend.
What the hell are you on?!
He reached through five inches of cedar
and then what? Put a padlock on there?
Perhaps the padlock was on the outside.
- He closes the door shut... - We don't have a padlock on our sauna.
- Why would we? - Was this just another one of your sick jokes
that went wrong, like when you chased Paige through the woods?
Show us your phones.
Why?
To see if you were trying to scare Hemmingway
- for likes on your socials. - We wouldn't do this.
- But how do we know that? - Because we're not murderers.
- It would ruin our business. - If you went too far.
How are we supposed to believe
some sick, murder-obsessed freak...
- Don't you talk to her like that! - Look, there's nothing on this, okay?
- But there's no Wi-Fi signal. - What?
- He's right.
- Fuck! - There's nothing. I got nothing.
Oh, God. The satellite is out.
Okay, I'm gonna try to reboot the router.
This is feeling very familiar for me. Okay?
Hey, I don't trust you.
- And I sure as shit do not trust you. - Look, I know we're outsiders,
but you need to stop pointing fingers
and get the cops out here right away.
Do you know how to fix a satellite
or hook up a landline?
Okay. No, I didn't think so.
The roads are all closed anyway, so no one would even get in.
Look. We can load everyone into our R.V.
and head off someplace safe.
It'll be slow going, but...
Oh, my God!
Hell!
You still think this is a fucking accident?!
Maybe.
Concupitio mala,
tu nequamquam dilige Christum.
Daemona secteris, nec pete salvifcum.
Despicias, rogo te, Christum, nec tempore toto.
Conspice praesentem te fore judicio.
No. No!
Veridicos preme,
nec laudes,
sed carpere gesta.
Quaerito cujusvis, non tua respicias.
Dispereas male,
ne quaeras tu coelica, verum.
Crimine frangaris, ne fuge delicias.
It's happening again.
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