- There you go. - Ta.
Can I get another one, please, Mike? All right?
- Er... blackcurrant. - No worries.
Cheers.
- They still protesting? - Every day.
Don't know what war is.
- Thank you. - You all right, guys?
- Shit's sake, Lil. - Mum know you're here?
- Can do what I want. - You're 15, so not really.
- Hi, Mehmet. - You all right?
I'm all right, yeah.
- Mum's lipstick, that? - You on the whisky, Mem?
"You on the whisky, Mem?"
He's, like, five years older, it's embarrassing.
- Shove it up your arse. - Shove it up your arse.
- Where's John? - Go home, Lil.
Is that juice?
Well, yeah, I'm driving, so...
- Er, home, I said! - Cadge a lift?
- Mm... No. - Such a dick, you know that?
- You're such a dick. - Piss off, Katie.
Piss off yourself.
- "You're a dick." - "You're a dick."
- Oh!
Oh!
Come here, right, I've got it, I've got it. You ready?
- Oh! - Took you about five years, that.
Watch this, watch this.
- Oh! - Mem!
- Oh! What are you doing? - So sorry, Mike.
- Use this. - Sorry, Mike.
- I didn't mean it. - Such an idiot.
Stop.
Why are you such a lightweight?
What's your fucking deal?
Every Friday, five pints in and you start swinging.
I only clipped him.
- He's your best mate, John! - Oh, is he? Is he?
- Why's he tapping you up, then, hmm? - We were literally just chatting.
About what?
Ah, you ask this every fucking Friday.
You're my girlfriend, Katie, yeah? He don't just get to say shit.
Leave us alone, John.
You've always wanted her, haven't you?
He didn't say owt. Leave him! Oh, my God, Mem.
She's my girl. Yeah?
If you touch her, I'll snap your neck.
Oh, grow up, John. Stay back!
- Nah, come on, let the big man out! - Just leave him alone, John.
Let's go!
You hear me?
I will kill you!
Dogs were yapping, terrified.
'The wind hissing through the door lock,
'and he just stood there on the other side of the glass...
'face peering in, sickly, hollowed eyes
'that crawled inside your soul.
'Only nine I was, but I knew that it was him.
'By "him", I mean the Devil.'
Mem? Mehmet?
We're... ready for you now.
I saw you.
*CREDITS*
'Morning, beauties. Gemma here.
'With you till lunch, guiding you through.
'Now, not sure you've noticed,
'but we've had another ten tonne of snow in the night.
'I know, I know, it's tedious, in't it?
'We've had two glorious weeks of spring,
'and now it's gone all Billy Baltic again.
'The weirdness of it. It's weird, isn't it?
'Properly faffs with my chakras.
'And we've got a frozen lake 20 weeks of the year.
'Hard as concrete, you can literally skate across it in June.
'Now, that's not normal, surely. But here's the other odd thing.
'Have you noticed in Chadder how the snow never sticks?
'It does in the forest, it does in Doffston.'
Fiver going in, Tone. Where've you got me?
- Last. - Again?
- Been here five year. - Been here fifty-five.
Bully for you.
- Rather go in t'middle? - Rather go first.
- Ha! You'll be against Jacob. - Jakub? Fine with that.
- Carve you like butter. - Got a glass chin, has Jakub.
I'll drop him like second-year German.
And then, I'm coming after you, Tony.
Quite like to pop you back in your box.
You know, life is a wonderful thing, Tony.
You should tell that to your face.
- Frack off! Frack off! - Get out and stay out!
Frack off! Frack off! Frack off! Frack off! Frack off! Frack off!
Frack off! Frack off!
- Frack off! Frack off! Frack off! - No more fracking!
Frack off! Frack off!
You're killing the planet! Murderers!
'Hi, it's DI Ajunwa. Leave a message.'
Riya. It's happened again.
I keep saying, I need one of you down here.
I need protection.
I had 20 quid riding on you, you big Polish freak.
Big Polish freak who's the best mechanic in Lancashire.
What is it again you do, Tony, what's your skill?
- I'm a good kisser. - Oh, you can practise on me arse.
- I did school you out there, though, didn't I, kidder? - Shut up.
You know, you punch like a hamster. Genuinely.
All I could feel were these soft paws all over me.
- You seen that cheek? On the house, that one. - As if.
Next time, I'll put you to sleep, sausage,
in a little bed of hay.
- You've got a big mouth. - And you've got a big head.
A big, fluffy hamster head.
- Oi, Riya! - Er, don't "oi" me.
Bit of respect, I could put you behind bars.
Conversation's not finished!
? Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you... ?
- What flavour? - Pistachio.
- Happy birthday to you. - Thanks.
- Do you want a bite? - I'm vegan.
Yeah, but it's a Saturday.
You've got to have a sausage sarnie on a Saturday.
No, ta.
- Ah, you were bloody tempted! - I bloody well wasn't.
Yeah, you were.
Morning!
Are you all right, boss? You all right?
You've taken a few knocks this morning, boss?
Take a few knocks every day, Nish, one way or another.
- Eh, happy 40th, boss. - Er, less of the 40th.
- What's going on with the weather? - Snowmageddon.
It's called a Polar Continental Air Mass.
- Oo-wee, you've got a degree. Seen Doffston, boss? - No.
They're skiing up at Doffston. They've had 50 inches.
I doubt they've had 50 inches, Nish.
They're only two miles up the road,
but you watch, it will have all melted by lunchtime.
You know what's actually causing these changes, Nish? You. People.
I mean, they reckon that parts of London
might be underwater by the end of the century.
Fine by me.
Er, have you ever been to London, Nish?
Why would I spend half a day on a train
to see a bunch of people I don't even know?
Why you in on your birthday, boss?
Oh, yeah, I'll have a brew if you're making.
Er, three sugars, please.
So, any progress with cat with a cough?
Oh, yeah, erm, Ali, you...
I spoke to the owner, she reckons it's fracking related.
It's a fucking fur ball.
Says it's gas in the air that's causing it.
What about the stolen ladder?
Oh, right. Fallen in the gap between the two fences.
- So it was there all along? - There all along.
I mean, he was pretty annoyed at himself, to be fair.
Morning! Good to see you, boss.
Morning, peeps. How we all diddling? Busy, busy?
- Missing ladder is resolved. - Good, good.
- Cat with a cough, ongoing. - Oh, I'm sensing attitude.
- Oh, yeah. You're sensing right. - Because?
Why does all the juicy stuff go to Manchester?
We need you on local.
Er, cat with a cough? I was in the Met for ten years.
Well, I'll send you back there if you like.
I just don't understand.
When there's a big case, why can't I get anywhere near it?
Cartel's a big job. Needs resources.
What about the missing Swedish girl, Nina Karlsson?
- I could do that. - Closed.
- Spotted a day or two ago. - Well, spotted where?
Nish, you read the report. Where was it again, love?
- Er, thingy. - Er, helpful.
- Didsbury. - Didsbury, yeah.
- So, what, that's that? - That is that, yeah.
Any news on the missing bin?
Called her yesterday.
- It were the red, not the black. - Right.
Bumlick.
Er, Probationary Constable. What are you again?
- A legend. - You know what?
Since you're doing missing bin chat, I think I'll pop out, yeah.
Lob myself in front of oncoming traffic.
- There was one other thing. - What, Linda?
Eddie Wells is getting out.
- What, when? - Today.
What... He's meant to do ten year, he's only done five.
Good behaviour, overcrowding, don't know the reason.
Point is, he's out.
You all right?
Takes a sick mind to do what he did.
Chances are, after being inside for five years, he's worse.
You might want to give Jim an heads up.
Oh, yeah, God.
Does his family know?
You little shit!
It's what you do to me when I sleep in.
- Pass me t'towel, pass me t'towel! - All right, calm down.
God!
Err, don't forget, I've got the girls coming round tonight.
- Waitress duty, I know. - I'll give you a fiver for it.
- No, you won't. - No, I won't.
Go and pour water over your sister's face.
- I already tried. - Her door locked?
- No, her bed's empty. - It better bloody not be.
I need my car!
Visitors again last night, another mannequin, another noose.
I'm tired of fighting this on my own.
- I'm sorry, Jim, I... - It'll be Mehmet, again.
You know, he's actually a decent lad...
Oh, well, he seems it.
Last week, he was throwing glass bottles.
This week, it's nooses. Tea?
If you're making...
Look, Jim, I wanted to...
Oh! Er, almost forgot.
Happy 40.
Oh. An egg?
An orb. From South America.
They call it Furacao. Er, literally, "Scarer Of Evil".
All right, Indiana.
Centuries ago, the villagers used to use these things
to scare the Lizard Man...
you know, some dark presence that came in the night.
Could you not have just got me some vouchers?
Nowadays, it's used to ward off evil spirits.
Pop it in your pocket. Never know what's round the corner.
Well, that is what I wanted to talk to you about, Jim.
Eddie Wells is getting out early.
What? When?
- Today. - No, no, that isn't right.
No, it's not...
No, no, no, no, that can't be right!
Ten years, they said.
You tell them they made a mistake.
- Jim... - No, a mistake, that's what it is.
He's a fucking monster!
You tell them that, you tell them...
- what he did to me. - Jim.
Five years I have bled into that bed every night!
I've lost my family and he gets leniency?
- That isn't right, that isn't just! - I've got your back, Jim.
How? You're just as scared as everyone else.
- No. I'm fine. - Well, you shouldn't be.
Put a creature like that in prison,
what do you think goes through his head?
He'll be coming for you.
He'll be coming for us all.
All right, first call of the day.
- Any guesses, Ali? - Er, anti-frackers.
- One for the fracking site, I like it. Lind? - Potholes.
Bloody potholes! First call of the season? Could it be?
Do we have ourselves a pothole problem, ladies and jellyfish?
Chadder Vale?
Say that again?
It's your birthday. I would've been all right, boss.
Are you sure?
What is that?
Stag.
What you thinking, boss?
I'll tell you what I'm thinking. There's some fucking psycho.
You don't get psychos down here, poppet. They're all in Leeds.
They've seen it lying in t'road, pulled over,
got an axe out the boot and hacked it to death.
- Psycho. - What films have you been watching?
- I watch, like, documentaries. - About what?
Like, how to make yourself breathe like a fish, stuff like that.
And on Planet Real?
They've hit the stag, ditched the car...
walked back?
You're not telling me a Punto's done that.
No, of course. What're you thinking, then?
Er...
wild pigs?
I mean, pigs'll eat anything, won't they?
Or something bigger.
What's bigger than a bloody massive deer?
Call the RSPCA, tell them they're a man down,
and let's get Terry up here.
No idea what that black liquid is. Get some samples taken.
'Everything all right?'
We've got a stag in bits up here.
Crikey. It's dead, properly dead.
I always get agitated when I see dead animals.
Some people reckon it's a sign.
Don't catastrophise. It does me nut in.
Now, if you had hit something head on,
your bumper'll be buggered.
- Bumper's fine. - Bumper's fine. Bonnet's not.
- It's like a tree's fallen on it. - OK.
OK, so, we are going with... tree?
Are we heck! We've got the bigger picture to consider.
Got to think about what has happened outside the car,
what's happened inside.
- There's a blanket in here. - Meaning what?
Maybe they stopped for a shag.
Rank.
- You never had a shag in the woods, Al? - Have you?!
We also can't rule out foul play.
Two seconds ago, you were saying they stopped for a shag.
There's blood all on the back seat, and there's some on the handle.
Blood? W-W-What you saying?
I don't know, I'm just expounding theories.
I'm sure I'll have more by the end of the day.
All right, Al, I know you're still probationary,
but let's keep things tight.
What's the first thing we do with an abandoned vehicle?
Check the plate. Shit!
Fancy a wander?
- What, in there? - Mm.
- Be careful, boss. - Why? What good'll that do?
Katie, it's your mum again.
Look, I really need the car today.
I start work at one, and I don't wanna walk in this.
Look, I only put you on my insurance so you could use it on and off,
not take the piss.
I shouldn't have to hunt you down every time. Ring me.
I've got a biscuit here.
Quite soft.
Quite creamy.
Right up your street, I reckon.
Boss, Terry's here!
Morning, Terry. Ta for coming.
You've dragged me all this way
just cos you're worried about road kill?
There are black spots around the carcass.
Might be nothing, might be something,
and I wanna know what it is.
I mean, that's a fully grown stag torn into pieces.
I'd like to know what does that.
- Didn't hear you get in. - Were you meant to?
Where's Katie?
- 'Ey up. - What can I get you?
Er, chips, sausage, tommy 'orse, ta.
If you're heading home, don't take the forest road.
Why's that?
Limbs everywhere, bits of teeth.
What... human teeth?
Small or large with the chips?
- A small. - Morning, love.
- Mehmet about? - Mehmet!
- Keep the change. - Can I have a word, love?
Anything you wanna tell me?
There was another to-do at the frack site last night.
- Trademark you. - Wasn't me.
Mind telling me where you were?
- He was home. - Fair enough.
Well, listen, I know you've been very vocal of late.
You like to get down there amongst them all.
I don't mind you having a voice... that's your own business.
But as soon as you start messing around, misbehaving,
lobbing bottles, hanging mannequins, that's my business.
It's reckless assault, Mehmet, and it's actionable.
Do you know what "actionable" means?
Means I can pop you in a cell for two year.
No chips, no PS4, just you and your wet bed sheets.
- S'happened to your face? - S'happened to yours?
You lob owt else, anything at all, Mehmet, and it is game over.
You're a good kid.
Don't turn out to be like the rest of 'em.
- Yeah? - 'We have checked that plate, boss.'
Car is registered to Joanne Wells.
- Shit, are you sure about that? - 'Positive.'
Have you checked in with Joanne?
Can you not do it?
'I'm the last person she wants to hear from.'
It's a bit weird, isn't it?
Her car's found the day her husband gets out of prison.
'I'm sure that's just coincidence.'
Coincidence is a bollocks, Al. Everything happens for a reason.
- Morning. - Morning, Derek.
- Morning. - Morning, boss!
Finally! You little beauty!
Come on, Derek.
Come on, Derek!
Yes!
Mm.
Here's Moana, back from her travels.
Good trip? Delivery go OK?
Er... yeah... ..it was all right.
Good.
What you having?
- Tater 'ash. - Ah.
Just like Mum used to give us when we'd been good.
My mum.
- Why've you been good? - Mm!
Look at this.
Read it, Kane.
That daughter of mine not in yet?
Er, no, not yet. I'm just saying, Jo, erm...
Been nominated. Lancashire businessman of the year.
Yeah...
Katie, it's your mum. Call me!
_
Erm... I-I-I been thinking, Dez...
Oh, yeah? What've you been thinking?
Maybe, maybe somebody else could do t'driving?
Who?
Kane, trust is important.
- Hm? - Yeah.
Something else?
- The alarm's playing up in t'truck. - Well, what do you want me to do?
Hey, careful!
Come here!
Yeah?
- Is your mum in? - No.
- Have you seen her today? - Does it matter?
- Kinda does, yeah. - Well, I don't deal with filth.
When was the last time you heard from your dad?
Five years ago, you put him away. So, I'd say, what, hm, five years?
This is my number.
When you see her, tell her we've had her car towed.
She left it in the forest. As you do. Go on.
I know I'm the last person she wants to speak to,
but I just need to know she's safe.
My mum's fine. She's at work.
So keep your filthy fucking pig head out of my family, yeah?
All right, bloody hell, hang on.
- Banging like... - Hiya, Vicky.
I just need a quick word with John.
Is this about what he did last night?
He's playing football on t'top field. Give him hell.
John!
What's gone on last night? What did you do?
Well, if she would've come back, it wouldn't have happened.
What wouldn't have? I thought Katie was staying with you!
- Did she not come back? - No.
- Do you know where she is? - Yeah.
- Where? - I'll sort it.
Tell her I need the car!
_
I told the police that you were home last night. But you weren't.
Oi, Mehmet! Big man!
Open the fucking window, then!
- Where is she? - Who?
Kat... You know who.
- She's not here. - Right, I wanna talk to him.
- Mehmet's not home at the moment. - Oh, isn't he? All right.
Well, you let me know when he is, yeah?
We're supposed to be fucking mates!
All right, Sue, I'm coming. You're all right.
Nobody's here. It's me, Sue. Riya.
I thought you'd forgotten about me.
How could I forget about you when you call me 20-odd times a day?
The-the-the phone rang... this morning
I thought it might be Nick.
Well, your son hasn't called in four year.
You know what I thought we could do today?
I thought we could burn the rest of his stuff,
you know, make a thing out of it.
Toast some marshmallows, what do you think?
- He should never have brought you to this place. - Hm.
People don't see what's happening.
What's happening, chook?
When he was a little boy...
Nick used to cry at anything... high.
You know, buildings, churches, towers.
He thought they were giants.
I used to laugh.
I said, "There's no such thing as giants."
Oh, Riya, I was wrong!
They're coming, Riya. They're coming...
- Is it finally happening? - No.
No, how do you know?
Because worlds don't just end, Sue.
Ta very much.
- Polish Champagne. - Well, well, who knew?
Cheaper than the others.
Not supposed to tell me that bit. Come on.
- Do you have to go? - She does, I'm afraid.
Tell him the clocks are gonna stop.
You ready?
What, for my surprise party?
Been ready for about two months, kidder.
Gimme two ticks while I whack on a bit o' slap.
Frack off! Frack off!
I've done nothing wrong!
Leave me alone!
Frack off! Frack off! Frack off! Frack off!
- Speech! Speech! - Yeah, speech.
All right, erm...
Forty. How the heck did that happen?
Erm, six years ago,
I lived in a three-bed townhouse in Wandsworth
with a view of the Common.
And now I live in a two-bed in Chadder
with a view of Sue.
Yeah.
Nick wanted us to move up here to be closer to his Mum,
and then, well, yeah, you all know what happened.
So, there was me planning kids.
But now, I look after batshit Sue.
Not quite how I imagined my life panning out.
But then I've got you lovely lot, my new-found friends.
All right, just bring it through.
Sneak it in the back before, erm...
Erm, yeah, so, I'm looking forward to a 20-shot rack and some dancin'.
Yeah!
? Fo-o-o-or
? She's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow
? For she's a jolly good Fello-o-ow... ?
? And so say all of us... ?
- Thank you. - ? And so say all of us... ?
- No, you're all right. - ? And so say all of us!
Good. Thanks. Thanks.
Two weeks ago, Katie borrowed me new car.
- The Punto? - Mm.
Handed it back the following day all scuffed.
- Scuffed? - Yeah! Scuffed. Bollocked her, I did.
- Over a scuff? - Two years I saved for that car.
That's, like, 10,000 hours folding dough.
She's young, can't be telling her off over a bloody scuff.
- Pisses me off. - Scuffing?
Yesterday, she took it again, and guess what?
- She bloody scuffed it! - She's not even bloody back!
She's twenty-bloody-one!
And I don't like her keep disappearing off.
Not when we had that Finnish girl a few month back.
She wasn't Finnish.
- Dutch? - Danish. - Mm-hm.
- Well, whatever. - This in't Twin Peaks, love.
You've got to chill out!
Oh, Mum?
- Mum? - Oh, yes, love?
- Car was towed. - Towed where?
In the forest. She said call.
- Who? - Police bitch.
Because you're afraid of t'dark.
Didn't want you thinking there's monsters in the cupboard.
I mean, it's made from recycled tin.
Wouldn't expect anything less. Thanks.
Er, I'll give you your present on Monday. The Amazon Fairy fucked up.
OK.
It's on the way, though.
- Hello? - 'It's Jo.'
- Sorry, what? - 'It's Joanne, it's Joanne Wells.'
Oh, erm, Joanne, erm, it's a bit noisy in here.
Can you give me a second? I'm just gonna go outside.
Sorry, I was just...
Erm, we found your car in the forest.
- And I just wanted to... - 'My daughter's missing.'
Are you there?
Your daughter's missing?
Katie. Someone's taken her.
'Or she's hurt. She's not back.'
Ali. We've got a missing girl.
I need you and Nish down to where we were this morning.
And if Eddie Wells is out, I need to know where Eddie Wells is.
I need a full search of the area, like now, now. Fucking now!
Katie would never go into the forest. She hates it there.
She just wouldn't go there!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's OK, it's OK. She'll be all right.
Din, do a ring-around, call everyone she knows.
Of course, course.
Lil, have a think about where she might've gone.
Who she might've seen.
- You know who her mates are. Call 'em! - OK!
- What am I gonna do? - It's all right.
_
Katie!
Oh, God, no, please.
_
- We're coming with. - Don't be daft.
- What if you don't come back? - Hey?
Of course I will, I promise.
OK? I just need to find Katie.
It's, it's dark, and it's freezing.
And wherever she is, she needs her mum, OK?
'Mum, is there any of that chilli left from Tuesday?'
- Katie? - 'What?'
- Don't "what"! - Christ, Mum, chill.
- You can't do that! - Do what?
- Just disappear like that. I've got folks looking for you! - Who?
Who? Me, Bev, Dina.
So, like a proper search party, then.
It's not funny, I couldn't get hold of you.
- Fuck sake, Mum, I'm 21. - Where've you been?
- Does it matter? - Yes, it matters!
You ditched the car! It's a £3,000 Punto!
- Oh, you're annoying me now, Mum. - Oh, I'm annoying you now, am I?!
Yeah!
Oh, God, I could throttle her. I could throttle her.
Katie?
Katie!
- Yeah? - She's back home. It's a false alarm. Thank God.
- So, where is he, then? - Who?
Eddie.
Hiya, darling.
Oh, no, I can't, I can't.
Boss?
_
Boss?
- I'm over here. - Anything, boss?
- False alarm, apparently. - Get in. Told you. 1-0 to Nish.
You coming, then, boss? Karaoke in ten.
I've got you down for a bit of Bieber.
Right behind you.
'Boss, you coming? Karaoke's waiting.'
I've got a bad feeling, kids.
'Boss?'
I've gotta bad feeling I'm about a murder a bit of Bieber.
*CREDITS*