I am calling for an official vote by the General Assembly
to ban private spy organizations worldwide.
Their lawless shadow world must end!
Can't they find anyone to defend us?
Well, the North Koreans said we're an excellent example
of the fatal contradictions of capitalism.
Damn.
Why do the people who hate us have the best arguments?
I mean, the easy answer is 'cause they're right.
But the correct, more complex answer, is,
uh, very complex.
Yes, I left Interpol abruptly.
And, yes, I work in an industry
whose rep is worse than an ongoing orphanage fire.
But I'm easier to work with now.
Oh, that's just like you, Steve,
you dribble of piss.
Ugh! Bollocks!
So how's the job search?
Honestly? On the upswing.
- Guys, the mission? - Really?
- We're still doing that? - Oh, come on.
They're just grandstanding.
Do you know how much dirt private spy agencies have
on those UN dorks?
They'll cave before the vote.
So our business that's being banned for being dirty
won't be banned because it's too dirty to ban?
That's your argument?
It would appear that it is.
I have to make some calls. Totally unrelated.
Look, this isn't going to happen because it can't happen,
so let's just stop talking about it!
Right, sort of.
But let's just be professionals here.
And speaking of the opposite of that, where is Archer?
He's here.
Waiting patiently. And professionally.
Well, those two are definitely professionals.
You said it was an escort mission.
Uh, no one said that.
The mission is simple.
Oh, God, are they breathing?
We did go pretty hard last night.
Anyone bring any of those, uh, what, uh, oh, nose mirrors?
What sensitivity you need?
You travel with those?
Uh, you don't?
Voicemail!
I know you're there, Catherine!
Pick up, you sniveling strumpet!
Oh, there they go.
All right, everybody, let's go have a great mission!
Oh, uh, wait, what's the mission?
Also, what country is this?
credits
So now that we've got the distractions out of the way--
They weren't distractions, Lana.
They were people with real hopes
and real dreams and real fake names.
Which were?
Like I've got the brain space for that.
Got the brain space for what country you're in?
Barbados.
No, wait. Bahrain.
I--I know it's got a bar in it.
So in Rio de Janeiro--
Ha! It was the bra I was thinking of in Brazil.
Come on, let's go.
Time is of the essence. Probably.
The Chinese military developed a high-tech bunker buster,
and the US government wants a look at it.
But they can't be seen to be involved.
Isn't that a great argument for us continuing to exist?
Not if you're the Chinese.
So some Chinese gangsters went rogue and stole it,
and then immediately panicked.
We're not sure who the buyer is,
but to narrow it down, just make a list
of every terrorist organization in the world.
I'm definitely not doing that.
They chose Brazil for the handoff
because this time of year, it is...
A bit distracting.
I think you mean awesome, Lana.
The pageantry, the history,
the popo zau--right?
Yeah, I wouldn't worry about distractions.
He seems pretty dialed in.
So the handoff is happening at a black market warehouse
here, owned by Brazilian gangsters.
You intercept the bomb and drive it to the helipad here.
Infiltrate, extract, transport. Got it.
Now in regards to intelligence on this one,
do you know if any of these gangsters are hiring?
And that's goodbye.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Yeah, hi. - Also hi.
You think you might want to address the troops?
I think you sent an intense email by accident.
So I understand that this is a shock,
but you are not fired.
This is a hiatus.
And we will be back in business when the smoke clears.
Don't mind me.
Just collecting rage pheromones for nothing.
Thank you all for your hard work.
Each and every one of you is truly...
Valued.
Hey, Kirk, wait!
You forgot your--
Literal bag of shit.
Seems a bit harsh.
That's what these guys are.
That pangolin is clearly dehydrated.
Wait. Oh, my God.
- Is it the bomb? - What bomb?
Oh, right. No.
It's a case of Glengoolie Green whiskey.
Is that the most important thing?
Seriously?
They only made, like, 100 cases of that.
50, 30 of which were lost at sea.
Oh, yeah, I also see the bomb.
Uh, it looks like the buyer hasn't shown yet.
It's just the Chinese and the Brazilians.
So here's the plan.
I'm gonna go open some crates
to see if they have anymore Glengoolie Green.
And then?
- Well, that depends. - On what?
On whether I find it.
Wait, that's the plan?
Do nothing and hope it works out?
Well, what else can we do?
Unless someone with lots of money--
so much that they don't have any use for it...
Could hire us.
Who would even do that?
Like, do you guys have any real skills?
- I'm an accountant! - I know all the science.
I said real skills.
I guess it's not as useful as glue-sniffing tolerance.
- Though I am willing to learn. - Me too!
So I hate to interrupt
your planned addiction here, but--
Demon fridge!
Whoa, easy. It's Barry.
Yeah, and I'm not sure the answer to the question,
"How do I hurt refrigerator?" is knife.
I've been here for weeks.
Or you just got here,
and you're messing with our memories.
Who even am I?
So where's my freaking body, Krieger?
You shoved me in this fridge, and you said it was temporary.
Hey, I was almost done with the prototype for you.
But then I ran into a scientific roadblock.
Which was?
I got bored.
Ah! My microscope eye.
So first of all,
everything is totally fine and normal.
But just in case, we need to clean this place out
so we can get our deposit back.
And if we get our deposit back, I will split it with you.
And if you find anything cool, you can sell it.
One question.
What have I done to deserve this?
Oh, I don't know.
Pushed all your mistakes down this elevator shaft?
So ballpark,
how many bodies do you think we pushed down here?
Uh, I did two or three.
Two or three bodies. Not so bad.
Oh, no, two or three ballparks.
So now can we get the bomb?
Not until I tell everyone
how I just found the coolest thing.
- So do it. - I just did.
And now, you don't get to know what it is.
Hang on.
- Something's happening. - Shit.
Buyer still hasn't shown up, and there's no translator.
Wait. Archer, you speak Portuguese.
- Claro. - And I speak a little Chinese.
Great, so you go down there
and explain that you're the buyers,
they give us the bomb, and we get out of here.
- Yes, Pam. - It's kind of genius.
Hmm, seems complicated.
What if I just solved everything myself
while you guys stare at me in quiet awe,
proving that I don't need anyone?
And how are you gonna do that?
I'm going to introduce them to my friend,
Mr. Basic Acoustics.
And Mr. Basic Acoustics' first name is...
Uh...
Ugh, forget it.
Death By! His first name is Death By.
I nailed it.
Death by basic acoustics, right?
Come on.
Guys?
Should have waited.
All right, stay focused.
I see a gap in the line. Ready?
And, now!
Why isn't every day Carnival?
Um, because society would collapse?
Totally worth it.
You know, if this is our last mission,
not a bad way to go out.
Stop saying that.
Everything's gonna be fine,
so shut up and let me focus on how great my ass looks.
Well, counterpoint, maybe you suck.
- Maybe I will. - What?
I've lost the thread on this argument.
You pointed out that Cheryl wasn't helping,
despite the fact that you aren't helping either.
Hey, I gave you that water, and just so you know,
when I do that, it feels like I'm peeing.
- Dude. - Fascinating.
So your physical sensations are mapped onto the refrigerator.
Kind of, yeah.
Is that gonna help you put me back into my body?
Not yet, but in the future,
maybe we'll all be trapped in refrigerators,
so you won't feel as bad.
Gah, my non-microscope eye!
- What the-- - It's Milton.
Well, at least that's not depressing.
Isn't there, like, another elevator shaft
we could push this trash down?
Oh, I hate this job.
I hate losing this job.
Stupid elevator shaft!
Good God, you guys complain so much.
Just look around for some garbage to sell
so you can buy that rent thing you're always whining about.
Do you not know what rent is?
I want to say a kind of poor people food,
like kibble?
Mmm.
This is--and I don't say this lightly--
concentrated liquid orgasm.
Ugh, gross.
But you're absolutely right.
So what are y'all gonna do when this is over?
- Oh, come on! - Stop.
We've got intelligence that
the Chinese are staking out all major helipads.
You're going to have to turn off the parade route.
- Oh, no! - Aww, come on!
- Boo! - Yeah, real sorry
you gotta do a mission during the mission.
Well, at least you apologized.
I found you a clearing you can use up in the hills.
- I'll send coordinates. - So hear me out.
What if we just stayed on the parade route
and sold the bomb to the Chinese?
I don't know. They'd probably kill you
and maybe start World War III.
What are we thinking? Worth a shot?
Idiots!
Aw, how can I complain about idiots
without any idiots to complain to?
But what does it mean?
What does what mean?
Oh, uh, just our newfound closeness as a team.
We also found some keys.
- Really, Cheryl? - What?
You know I'm not good with nonverbal communication.
Just incidentally,
what kind of communication are you good with?
- What? - OK.
So?
Anyone recognize these?
New task.
Figure out what these keys go to.
Search everywhere.
Maybe it's something we can sell.
Did you just clear a throat
you do not have?
Uh, I want to help.
Uh, I hate to break this to you,
but you are a refrigerator.
I am aware!
And I've been shoved in that break room for months,
trying to start conversations with people
who are shoving things into what feels like my rib cage
and basically ignoring me.
I saved all of your lives from Other Barry,
so will you please just give me a goddamn hand?
Sorry, have we established where this weird fridge
came from and why it talks like this?
- Yes! - Several times.
- Repeatedly. - But you're, like,
kind of a pain to haul around.
And we only brought you down here because you begged us.
We solved this last time.
Just take my circuits out.
- Oh, right. - Duh.
Just put me on something light with wheels.
Yeah, not what I had in mind.
And what did you have in mind?
Not this.
Pam, what's going on?
It's not me.
Jesus Christ, what's the problem?
Uh, Jesus Christ?
Oh, right.
Uh, not to be sacrilegious here,
but did anyone bring a chainsaw?
Is it me, or did the gun library
used to have more guns?
- It's called an armory. - Ugh, fine.
Didn't the gun library used to have more armory?
Ooh, look, Cheryl, a clipboard.
It goes snap, snap.
I know what you're doing. I'm--
Not--oh!
An idiot.
Who can't--
So you've been selling the guns, huh?
Jeezy Petes, are we really in that bad of shape?
Even if the UN doesn't ban us, we might still go under?
You're the accountant.
And I'm starting to suspect
the numbers you're giving me aren't real.
Oh, really? You don't think that the bribes
and the hush money and the payoffs
from third world oligarchs was recorded accurately?
Well, I--
oh, uh, yes?
If you knew the amount of lying and cheating
and moral compromise being the boss requires,
you would all never stop giving me cunnilingus.
Well, if the offer is on the table--
Oh, no. I dated you, remember?
And even that big ass hog of yours
didn't make up for your mouth in more ways than one.
You would apologize to the bullet that killed you.
Well, I'm sorry for being polite.
Oh, you just did it again!
Jesus Christ!
Hit the gas, Pam.
You know, if we use the principle of leverage--
Then we'll be here all damn day.
Floor it, Pam!
Ow.
Told you it would work.
Oh, I told myself it would work.
And then I clawed and I scraped
while you all whined and complained,
until when I finally closed my tired eyes to sleep,
all I could see were your sour, crumpled faces.
Uh, for the record, I wasn't really around for any of that.
Shut your goddamn nonexistent mouth!
I would say that we should have sold you for parts,
but you know what? I'm glad we saved you
because you finally achieved your proper form,
because now, you both literally and figuratively suck!
- Lana. - What?
There's writing on Mr. Snappy that looks
a lot like the writing on the keys.
Great, now we just need to find Tom Sawyer.
Anyone got the number to Mark Twain's cemetery?
Tom Sawyer? That's funny.
It's also the name of a Rush song.
Oh, you don't know that one?
It's the best.
It goes--um, uh--
I don't know how it goes.
Oh, my God, I don't know how it goes!
- This is really it, huh? - Yep.
- Then it's back to Carnival. - Oh, seriously?
Everything will be fine. It always is for me.
I don't need anyone.
This really how you want to go out?
- Uh-huh. - But it's us.
There's nothing to discuss.
How could I forget that?
Something's wrong.
Hey, it's OK. It's OK.
Unrelated, has anything weird been happening?
Like, more weird than everything else about you.
You know, now that you mention it,
these weird scars keep showing up on my skull.
So we're just gonna--
Search his lab immediately? Yes.
Hello!
You absolute turds.
Slater? You are the bad man?
I thought it was appropriate that your last mission
before vanishing into the dustbin of history
would be polishing my glorious balls.
Dude, I don't want to be picturing your balls.
I won't be able to sleep tonight.
Seriously? You're still in the CIA
after your catastrophic fuck up in Manatina?
Ha! Catastrophic? For the CIA?
They gave me a commendation for that.
So we don't like this guy. Is that our vibe here?
Keep it down, Glarey Poppins. Act like your government.
Stand behind the Americans and nod
while your influence steadily wanes.
Look, I'm gonna need some kind of confirmation
that this is official CIA business.
Oh, sure. Just, uh, hang on for a sec.
Hello, CIA?
That Chinese weapon you're stealing, are you stealing it?
- Thanks. - You don't do the phone bit.
I do the phone bits.
You know what? That's a great point.
And yet another example
of me doing everything you do, but better.
And, hey, Pam, my balls.
Goddamn it!
I just stopped thinking about them.
This feels very wrong.
Glarey Poppins?
I'll give him a spoonful of shit.
I will, I will.
Problem, Lana.
We're kind of busy here, OK? So--
Slater came to pick up the bomb.
- What? That bitch? - Right?
Can you confirm he's in the CIA?
Well, my only contact was whoever hired us.
And if they were pretending, I--
Well, guess I'll just solve it myself then, like always.
All right, guys, we have no way of knowing
if he's on the level or not,
so my thought is we just stop worrying about it
and go look at some popo zau.
Oh, my God, yes.
Yes, I know I can't get my job back at Interpol,
but I need to know if someone named Slater
is still affiliated with the CIA.
I guess it's a mononym?
Right. Thanks.
Yeah, that sounded, uh--
- Like we just got fucked? - Royally.
Slater was officially disavowed by the CIA last month.
But they didn't share that with independent spy organizations
because we're all about to not exist.
I really wish you hadn't told me that
because now, I have to destroy Slater.
No way I'm going out like that on my last mission.
A-ha!
So you admit it's your last mission.
Hey, no gloating during rage-induced breakthroughs.
What are you looking for now?
Remember when I told you I found something cool
at the warehouse?
I have no memory of this door.
Oh, my God, it's beautiful.
You have no idea how to use that thing.
I have no idea how to do most of the stuff I do.
Are you sure you can catch up?
Just give it a second.
Think about Slater.
It's not enough for him to win.
I gotta tell him.
Hey, dummy, bring me back around.
This is nuts.
Just so you know,
I'm not CIA anymore.
Jetpa--ahh!
Speaking of nuts.
God, watch the propeller!
Watch the human sashimi maker?
Got it!
Ah!
A little help?
How? I can't see what's happening.
Uh, Ray, get the reflection out of my eye.
I can't see. Wait a second.
Pam, your mirrors!
Ugh. Oh!
Oh, my God, he did it.
Yeah, but, uh--
Cuidado, cuidado!
Jesus.
Well, it's not like it's the worst thing
that ever happened to him.
I win again!
You should have let it go.
Let it go and miss this?
Me, Sterling Archer, beating you yet again?
I'm so glad I didn't let it go.
This is the best moment of my life!
Why would I let it go?
Why?
You're about to find out why.
Katya?
Sterling, my darling.
I ache to see you.
Well, I'm aching too, Katya.
And I--I have to ask before we do
what I think we're about to do.
Does it still vibrate?
That is not the ache I mean.
I ache because I must do this.
And, yes, it still vibrates.
Sterling Archer.
Code name: Duchess--
No one calls me that.
Known from Berlin to Bangkok as the man
who used to be the world's most dangerous spy.
Used to be?
Take off these chains,
and that potato on top of your neck
is gonna used to be a face.
Whoa, buddy. No need for that stuff.
We all got job to do.
And you're terrible at yours.
These nipple clamps are super pinch-y.
Very unprofessional.
Is that really your big problem right now?
Yes, because I care about the craft.
Yeah, the goth teen witch movie.
No.
OK, so anything to say before I give you zip-zap?
What, with that golf cart battery?
Go-kart.
And that's not for you.
My go-kart need repair.
That's a big battery.
Ah, fun fact: they use this to jump-start trains.
That's the least fun fact I've ever heard.
I don't know if I've said it, but, uh,
it really is good to see you again.
Look, I get it.
It's super fun to trot out the battery
that supposedly jump-starts trains.
And airplanes.
But we all know that if you attach that to a human,
he would instantly die, rendering it useless
as an interrogation tool, ergo you're bluff--
I'm sorry. I interrupted you.
Problem?
Yeah, I just didn't think burning nipples
would smell like that.
Well, maybe the smell changes as we go.
- What? - Hit him again.
So maybe I'm unclear on the order of operations here,
but did you have any questions?
I just wanted you to know that I'm serious.
You know, Slater, a sternly worded letter
could do wonders.
Rest up, Archer.
I'd hate for you to die when I do that again.
I'd hate both parts of that.
Love to hear it.
Get up, you wimp.
OK. Take inventory of the room.
Find the tools. Improvise.
I think one of those clamps melted
and fused into my nipple.
But don't worry about that.
And don't worry about talking to yourself.
That's not a symptom of a brain injury,
though you might not remember if it is.
Sterling, my darling, what did they do to you?
I quiver with sympathy.
Do--don't say "quiver" in that sexy voice.
If my nipples get hard, uh, I might die.
I am so sorry.
It is just that seeing you like this...
I did not know I could cry.
My cheeks are wet.
I'm gonna pass out now.
So... what are we doing?
Wait, wasn't there some kind of UN thingy?
How's that going?
This is the best moment of my life.
I said, how's that going?
Wait, am I invisible?
What's the sound version of that?
In... visible.
No, I just said that.
Look, I am working my network.
I am invisible.
If only.
The UN vote on banning private spy agencies
is in two days, but that's more than enough time to--
Not what we're talking about.
And it's going to be fine.
We've just got to find Archer.
Look, I've got feelers out.
Just like those brine shrimp cats I made.
Or didn't.
Krieger, did you figure out what that weird thing
we found was?
No, but I have determined that it's creepy
and possibly gross.
So we've got, like, zero chance
of finding Archer here, right, or the bomb?
- Yeah, probably. - Yeah, that sounds right.
Did I hear the word "bomb"?
Hey! No! Just no!
- Yeah, but why no? - Or how no?
I don't know.
But we are not gonna sit here
and stew in our failure juice.
There's a loose bunker buster out there.
Do we know who has it? No.
Do we know where Archer is or even if he's alive? No.
Are we getting some pretty awkward inquiries
about our activities in Brazil? Yes.
See how she just slid the bad news in there?
Like a greased toboggan.
The rest of our lives may be doomed and empty,
but, by God, we are going to live the fuck
out of these last few days of doing what we are best at,
what we were put on this Earth to do.
Krieger, figure out that orb.
Barry, help him.
You are made of computer or whatever.
The rest of you, get me some plausible
bunker buster targets.
Someone wants to use it for some evil shit,
and we are gonna stop that evil shit
because that is what we do!
Sploosh.
I'm sorry.
Slater said he wouldn't torture you.
Well, I appreciate that.
It was incredibly painful,
especially after someone shot me!
Oh, Sterling, you're delirious.
That was me.
You guys have a 4:00 p.m. dinner special here?
What is this place?
Other than a KGB black site.
Abandoned KGB black site.
We've gathered allies from every
secret intelligence service in the world.
Retired, mostly.
So, yes, they are seasoned.
We call ourselves... Silverwolf.
Big evil supervillain plan. Got it.
So what are you gonna do, blow up Pluto?
Poison all the money in the world?
Some kind of giant mystery thing
that turns out to be an anticlimactic
real estate scam?
Oh, no.
We're not here to destroy the world.
We're here to save it.
And you, my Sterling, are going to help us.
And how exactly does this help?
Well, first, I'm gonna get you hooked up here.
Oh, this isn't an improvement.
Huh, must be some residual programming in there.
Yeah, there's definitely some residue in here, I would say.
So I created a buffer between you and the device
so you can observe the sphere's programming
without contamination, which will manifest
as these kickass cyberpunk goggles.
You'll be goggled in with the wireheads
for sure, choomba.
And these will protect me?
- I don't know. - What does that mean?
What do you want from me?
Science isn't an exact science.
Oh, my God.
There is no God here.
Anyhoo...
Ohhhhhh.
You're trying to bring back the Cold War?
No, of course not.
But... yes.
Yeah, I get it.
I mean, who doesn't love the constant looming threat
of nuclear annihilation?
Look at the world that we live in.
All these piddling minor conflicts.
All this peace and money and... phones.
So things were better when they were worse?
Exactly.
This is becoming a world without purpose,
without meaning, and without Sterling Archer.
The U.S. government will be voting yes
on the proposal to ban private spy agencies.
We urge the world to join us.
And in the words of my people, how 'bout them Cowboys?
Uh, there probably won't even be more war.
It'll be a staring contest.
But the conflict will energize us
and make us strong and give us meaning.
In a frictionless universe, nothing happens.
And you, uh--who even are you in that world?
That's ridiculous.
I, uh... do not have a counterargument.
But what does that have to do with torturing me?
Slater and I, we have, uh, mm,
differences of opinion sometimes.
Sterling, it might not be now, but sometime soon,
you're going to have to make a decision.
One world includes you, and the other does not.
And... I have missed you.
- You have? - Katya, what the hell?
We talked about this.
Yes, we did.
Can I speak to you outside?
Did she give you the pitch?
She's right. You should join us.
But unfortunately, we don't let dead men join,
so that may hinder your onboarding process.
This is about to be unpleasant.
All right, where am I?
Where am I?
Phone, phone, where's the phone?
Use the tool you have, I guess.
Why is everybody looking at me?
You're presenting the candidates
for a bunker buster target?
Because you're our demolitions expert.
Oh, cool.
Is she getting worse?
I mean, could she?
So it's a helix-type shaped charge
capable of penetrating 30 to 40 feet
of reinforced concrete
with enhanced shockwave propagation
through the next hundred.
What kind of facility would need
40 feet of protection?
We're looking at nuclear missile sites,
deep mine facilities, NORAD.
The problem is, there's too many of 'em.
So, what, dead end?
Unless we get some kind of message from God.
"Ha! Ha! I'm alive, you dorks!"
"No thanks to you, as I said, dorks.
I'm going to do this by myself."
Seriously, you're not even gonna tell us where you are?
Whoo!
Whoa!
Whoo-hoo!
"Just kidding. I'm in Sochi.
Meet you here."
"Dorks."
Whoo-hoo!
I am eternal!
Whoo!
So do we know when the stewardess
is coming by or whenever?
There is no stewardess.
Fine. Flight attendant.
We can't fly commercial because we're not supposed
to be leaving the country.
Well, if we pull this off,
maybe they'll let us continue to exist.
Save the world to save ourselves.
Hey, you all comfortable back here?
Nope.
Great, great, great. Didn't care anyway.
And it's about to get worse.
We'll be coming up over land,
so I'll have to hug the ground to stay under radar.
Need anything else to hug while you're at it?
Negative.
- All right. - So that's her type.
But before I do that, I need to know,
what's that doohickey?
Because if I'm carrying some kind of chemical agent
or radioactive whatever over several countries
in violation of international law,
I'd kind of like to know about it.
It might be nothing, or it might be the thing
that will save us all.
Or it might be of medium importance.
I'm just gonna stand here and blink at you
and wait for you to get less stupid.
This is the Barry Matrix.
Uh-huh.
It contains the root consciousness
of the being known as Barry.
OK, I'll bite.
Who's Barry?
- That's me. - Hi.
Well, I don't want to know any more about this,
so I'm gonna go back to the cockpit.
One question.
My copilot, does he always sing when he flies?
? He's a real pilot, and he's flying the plane ?
Yeah, I think you make him nervous.
Yeah, well, a lot of this makes me nervous.
Not you.
That's a... cute dress.
- Okey dokey. - Interesting.
Wait a second, you still haven't explained
why you had the Barry Matrix.
Well, I can't say exactly, but I've managed
to piece together some of my partially destroyed notes.
Apparently, I started taking night jobs for shady people
- and then drugging myself-- - Whatever.
None of that matters, OK? What matters is...
That I am the absolute best
at everything
and I have defied death itself.
I feel like someone should sit you down
and explain hubris to you.
Like I would listen.
So all that research you guys did,
is there anything near here
that qualifies as a target for the bunker buster?
There's a few nuclear facilities,
maybe a base or two, but still too many to be sure.
And if they're trying to restart the Cold War,
what would do that?
Well, let's find out.
Pam, Cyril, Cheryl, go to that KGB black site
to look for clues.
They likely abandoned it after Archer escaped.
Secondary objective: see if you can find my left nipple.
Krieger, figure out how to get Barry into your prototype.
If Katya's around, we're gonna need him.
Ray, steal us a car.
Why would you think I know how to do that?
Because all rednecks know how to hot-wire cars.
Yeah, 'cause it's so damn fun.
I'll get you a car.
And the rest of us?
Sochi is a playground for Russia's rich.
Archer, Zara, and I will hit the casino
to see if there are any dignitaries in town.
Maybe they're going after important people
to start the Cold War.
- Any questions? - Yeah.
Is there a reason this safe house
sucks absolute turbo dog shit?
Yeah, uh, we're out of money.
They froze our assets.
I tried to move some out,
but, ugh, obviously, it wasn't much.
So this is really happening, huh?
- No more us? - Hey, it's OK, all right?
Uh, let's say theoretically-- not that I want this to happen,
but theoretically--we lose and there's another Cold War?
Just another staring contest, probably.
But wouldn't there be a place for us in that world?
All right, everybody.
Let's fucking go.
Why did we do it this way?
I'm great at gambling.
Yeah, and I handle the money.
This sucks so much for you.
- Um, you're here too. - Oh, right.
Spread out, ding-dongs.
And make it last, all right?
We're here to look for intel, not gamble.
Ooh, with these minimums, we might not last long.
Are you kidding me?
Gambling is one of the many things
I'm literally the best in the world at.
No, no, no!
These dice are loaded!
I demand an independent arbiter!
I didn't want to play anyway!
All right, this is your home, Cyril.
Papers in an office.
This is where you shine and--
ah, what do you know?
There's the nipple.
Because this is all I need.
My luck is turning, and it is palpable, my friends.
I've never felt so alive!
Did you, uh, forget that she's a gambling addict?
You know what? I did.
Oh, well. Let's go to the bar.
Hey, think I got something here.
Found a name with background info.
Looks like our target.
Nice work, Cyril.
Meet back at the entrance.
I've got one more room to sweep.
Hey, buddy.
Uh, hi?
Mm, I assume you are Archer comrade, yes?
I was actually just leaving.
Oh, that's too bad.
You actually were not.
We will reconvene tomorrow for our vote
on private spy agencies.
And may they be wiped from this Earth.
Isn't he supposed to be impartial?
I think that is the impartial view at this point.
So what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna finish this mission.
What are you gonna do?
Well, I'm gonna finish this drink.
All right, let's go find Zara.
What's this?
I don't know. I haven't even read it.
"Sterling, I figured you'd escape,
"so I planted this on you.
"It is for the best. Slater would have killed you.
"But I want you to return to me, help me kill Slater,
"and we will run Silverwolf together.
Partners, spies, lovers for good."
That was... more than I expected.
Oh, come on, you're not actually considering that.
Of course I'm considering it, Lana.
I just heard it.
That's what brains do when you hear something,
especially when you've just been offered
everything you want in life.
Archer, you'd really make the world worse
so it was better for you?
Who says it'd be worse?
Deep down, I know you would never do that.
Well, deep down, you've always
thought too highly of me.
I am gonna go get Zara.
Tell her I said hi.
Blackjack, for the lady.
Go on, have it!
Suck it! Suck it!
Come, we go.
Place is going to blow up soon
to eliminate evidence.
I do not like to fight lady.
But since you insist,
did I ever tell you how I become KGB enforcer?
We literally just met.
I was in gulag in Siberia for, mm, series of crime.
Warden of prison went insane.
He opened all the cell doors and said,
one man will walk out of this prison alive.
And I was that man.
This is gonna be good.
Whoo-hoo!
Excuse me, miss.
We would be honored if you'd join us
in our high-roller room.
Let's do it, baby.
Uh, I'm with her.
Whoa, this is, like, every military attaché
and negotiator in every Chinese and Russian
briefing book I ever had.
Can I? Oh, oh, oh, can I?
You did good, kid. Go gamble.
Let's roll them bones.
OK, let's see.
So we know who they're targeting,
but how do we find out where they're targeting?
I--I could plant a bug.
Maybe I steal a chauffeur's uniform.
Or...
Hey, I--
I don't want to fight no more.
Me neither.
OK? We stop on three, OK?
One...
Two...
Three.
Huh, I guess we could've just always done that.
Da.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Well, hello there.
Hey. Hey, you.
I would like to have sex... with you.
Give me the phone number of where you are staying.
No!
This is the greatest streak in history.
It can't end now.
Just give me one more chip.
One more chip.
- Was that me? - No, that was me.
Oh, OK.
Do I know him?
Archer?
Archer!
God damn it.
Gregaro Ivanolichivet.
He's our guy.
Structural engineering professor
who also designed the Sochi dam that opened last year.
So they're gonna use this guy plus the bunker buster
to, what, blow up the dam?
Sure looks that way.
Kill the Chinese and Russian delegations with it.
Hey, what about that phone number you got
from the Russian general?
Well, if we stop Silverwolf from taking the professor,
we'll have the credibility for the Russians
and the Chinese to actually believe us.
So they want to kill the Russians and the Chinese
and blame America?
And I bet Slater knows exactly how to do that.
Jesus.
Shit, Ray, think you could've stolen a car
with actual shocks?
Well, I couldn't exactly give it a test-drive,
you ungrateful--
Ah. So where's Archer?
I don't know.
He got a letter from Katya. I--I think--
You think he's been compromised?
No way. No... way.
I mean... some way.
We can't assume anything right now.
We're gonna have to do this without him.
Hey, let's not get distracted, team.
Let's just grab Gregaro before Silverwolf does.
Oh-ho, sure.
Just gonna slide right into his spot, huh, Zara?
Oh, lay off.
It's not like he never abandoned us before.
After Katya died?
Come on!
Give the guy a break.
OK, now I'm confused.
It doesn't matter.
What matters is that we do our jobs and save the world,
and that's only gonna happen if we stick together.
God damn it, Ray!
Who here speaks English?
Wow. Thanks, cultural imperialism.
We're here to prevent a kidnapping.
Pam, Zara.
Um, it sure seems like you are kidnapping me.
We're really not.
I would like to emphasize that we are
definitely not kidnapping him.
We are taking him to a safe, secret location.
Sounds like kidnapping.
So there's important but subtle differences
between what we're doing and kidnapping,
and, obviously, I don't have time
to go into those in the middle of...
what looks like a kidnapping.
Thank you, everyone.
Have a good night.
Hey, I don't want to jinx it,
but all in all, not that hard.
Oh, damn. That's really smart.
- What? - We're part of the plan.
Oh, crap, the Americans just kidnapped him,
and then they take him from us.
So wait. Who are these people?
The actual kidnappers.
So more of you guys?
I already almost explained this.
Alley, that way.
Move it.
What now?
Get in!
I'd like you all to know that this goes against
every instinct I have.
That is so sweet.
So you chose the lame-ass world.
No.
I chose... you guys.
Look out!
I am sorry that it worked out this way.
But the next time I see you,
I'm going to kill you all.
So just to circle back, I--
I read your letter.
Is it too late to change sides?
What?
This is the best moment of my life!
That is wildly out of context.
This is why no one trusts the UN.
Consider his face as you cast your vote
to outlaw private spying.
A man in wanton disregard of the international order,
beholden only to himself and his own twisted ego.
Oh, and now you're complimenting me?
Not looking great here.
What, the fact that we're all about to be unemployable
or the mission?
So since you brought up the mission--
Well, at least you're not a vacuum
strapped to a jack-off machine.
Hey, some people would pay big money for that.
Me! I'm that people.
Don't you have some kind of more appropriate
attire for me?
I mean, yeah, if you want that.
Whoa, so is that a spy suit or a gimp suit?
Dealer's choice.
To review: Slater and his old-ass spies
want to blow up the dam,
killing a bunch of Russians and Chinese.
Then he'll blame it on the U.S. and restart the Cold War,
because he thinks it's better to run into the past
than face the future.
Can't we just tell the dam?
Slater's been calling in bomb threats
for the last six months,
so everyone just ignores them now.
God, it sucks so much that he's actually clever sometimes.
Archer, Zara, Ray,
you'll go in posing as dam inspectors.
Infiltrate, locate, and defuse that bomb.
And is there a plan to defeat the undefeatable death robot?
The Barry prototype!
I'll just need a massive power surge
to jump his mind in there.
So we'll hook him up to one of the dam's turbines.
Then I will become invincible.
Not if you're still wearing that.
- Mm. That bum, though. - What about me?
Lot to be said for your bum too.
Pam, you and Cyril will be team two.
Now, it's not on any map, but there's a shantytown
that's right in the path of the water.
You need to convince them to evacuate.
Oh, come on!
Why me? I want to do the shooty stuff.
I know it sucks, but you're the only one everyone likes.
Yeah, it's not like they're gonna listen to Cyril.
Hey. I have useful skills.
Like what, catching strays?
If we can pull this off, maybe the UN doesn't ban us.
Look, what's most important
is making the world a better place,
which is what we have been doing all along.
All along what?
Hey. Hey, everyone. Relax, OK?
Look, I feel for you guys.
Not everyone has a skill set like me,
you know, able to thrive solo in literally any situation.
And thank you for that compelling summary
of your dickfaceitude.
Guys, it's over.
Did you think you were gonna do this dubiously legal job
for the rest of your lives?
Just be like me,
the fully actualized person who's able
to express my feelings by doing terrible things
to some presumably bad guy's body!
Lana, briefing. Finish.
There is no tactical retreat here.
So if we can get inside with the disguises, great.
If we can't, these will uncomplicate things
very quickly.
Wait, how did you know to bring that?
Damn it, Archer.
After all this time, can you finally admit
I am good at my goddamn job?
No.
But it's a soft no.
Come on, that's progress!
Dam Team in position.
Team Shantytown, report.
Can we have a cooler name, like Team--
Nope. Here we go.
One shot, or it's our last mission.
In any number of ways.
And on that cheerful note, it's go time.
Surprise dam inspection team,
under UN safety orders.
We're gonna need access to the facility.
I'm sorry, what?
Are you challenging us?
Look, I know people see us at the UN
as dull, incompetent clods.
But we also happen to be tremendous assholes.
No, it's not that.
Another team of inspectors arrived an hour ago.
And these inspectors, hottest Russian woman you've ever seen
and the world's biggest douche?
He insulted my shoes
and implied I had relations with a reindeer.
Warn us before you do that!
I totally cocked an eyebrow.
So nonverbally tell them they're all about to die?
No, but we don't want to get into a whole back-and-forth.
It might get hostile.
So... you are here to tell us we must go?
Oh, thank goodness.
This is such a relief.
We thought that this would be difficult, but...
...we can see that it won't be
because we would never ask you to leave.
Cargo shorts, nice.
Lots of storage in those bad boys, am I right?
Lana, if you've got some kind of secret plan,
now is probably the time.
Cheryl, execute.
What? Who is this?
Just kidding.
All right, you've got a window without police.
Cheryl's running distraction
and... hopefully not killing anyone.
I'd say may God have mercy on their souls,
but what kind of god would create Cheryl?
Gaze upon me!
Hey, guys, be careful when you leave.
There's glass everywhere for some reason.
Quick, get Barry up and running!
Yeah, give me that unimaginable power.
Bring the rain of pain.
What? No. I'm cool.
- I'm cool. - Uh-huh.
Please, I must implore you.
No, you mustn't.
Because she can snap your pencil neck
like, well, a pencil, I guess.
Now, that's not a pencil,
but I think the idea translates.
Terrorists have taken the turbine hall.
Do not engage.
Well, I was wondering when those dorks
would make their doomed stupid gesture.
Katya, bring them to me!
Uh, as a request and not an order,
because we are equal partners.
Man, you can take the unkillable murder bot
out of the woman, but you can't take the woman
out of the unkillable murder bot.
Am I right?
We built this dam with our hands.
Our great achievement.
We love it and never wish to be away from it.
That is all very reasonable.
Well, I guess we should go, Pam.
Reasonable?
When that dam comes down,
you'll all be reasonably dead.
Come on, Krieger!
Look, man, this surge is gonna blow out the Barry matrix.
So if you die after this, you die, die.
Do it.
He's alive. Alive!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Krieger!
What? I said it was a prototype.
I told you not to get involved.
No, You told us if you saw us again, you'd kill us.
Not a helpful clarification.
You know Slater's gonna betray you, right?
Even if he doesn't have a reason.
Just out of inherent dickishness.
But for now, he's a useful dick.
As you were once, my Sterling.
Barry?
What... happened to you?
Well, first I turned evil. Then I killed you.
Then you were my girlfriend. Then I died.
Then there was a bunch of me.
Then I got split into good and evil,
and then I was a refrigerator and killed evil me.
And now...
I'm gonna kick your ass, I think.
Oof.
Like, seriously.
Oof, guys.
Damn it, Krieger.
Oh, sorry the sentient robot
I built in defiance of God
isn't up to your standards, Ray.
Hyah!
Oh, robot legs.
- Right. - Kick pants!
Zara, get out of here. Get to Lana.
I am not leaving a fight.
God damn it, I never lose, obviously.
But this... isn't looking great.
So find Lana and do what she says.
Ag--because she's the smart one.
How much personal growth do you need? Go!
Had to pick this moment to be noble, huh?
Yeah, I already regret it, but I have a plan.
Ray, grab this cable.
We'll zap her when she gets out.
Hey, quick heads-up.
Those aren't electrified anymore.
And we're from a private spy company,
and there is a bomb planted in the dam!
We've heard bomb threats before.
And how would you know that anyway?
'Cause we're the ones who maybe accidentally gave it to them.
Wait, you are the guys from Rio!
I saw you on TV.
Y'all have a TV here?
Is it behind the squalor?
We've got more than that.
Let me show you something.
Jeezy Petes.
Ha!
Welcome to a world of pa--
Ow!
Yeah! Go, tiny Barry!
Yeah, please don't call me that, OK?
Get off! Ugh!
Oh!
- Ooh! - Oh, my God!
Ow. Oh, man.
Oh, no, man.
That's not good.
I-I don't suppose those are the red eyes of love
you're looking at me with.
Holy shitsnacks,
you're stealing power from the dam to mine crypto?
They owe us.
We cannot just leave this all behind.
Well, that's all great,
but you're all gonna die if you don't leave.
Without this, what is out there for us?
There's something better out there.
You've got to believe that.
You've done incredible work here,
maybe the most important work of your lives.
But maybe, just maybe... it isn't.
And how great would it be if it isn't
and the best is still out there?
- Oh, my God. - Hey, uh, do I have
- to be here for this? - Shh!
If I get your money out,
can you convince your people to get out?
You can do that?
I happen to be a kick-ass accountant.
Unlicensed.
Look, if you can do that, we will give you guys a cut.
Pam, I've lost contact with Archer.
- What? - I need you to--
Don't worry. Aunt Pammy's coming.
Find me a back way into that place.
And get me some wheels.
Pampaaaage!
I can't believe
- you're doing this. - What?
Tying you up is really the established move here.
Not that, the dam.
You're really gonna wipe out a whole village?
What village? There's no village.
We're just going to kill a bunch of old generals.
The world should thank us.
It's not gonna be on the map because it's a squatter
town of workers who built the dam.
Slater, there's a village?
Oh, come on.
Look, betrayal is a subtle art,
and you guys are just really messing up my timing here.
Though I guess that's all water under the bridge.
Or, you know, over your lifeless corpses.
I can't move.
Yeah, well, perils of having a switch
that does that, honey.
Slater, why are you even doing this?
How does the Cold War help you?
Come on, I've been preparing this for years.
I've got moles planted everywhere.
I'll be selling information both ways,
undermining governments.
Everything goes through me.
I am the new world order.
OK, so... enjoy exploding.
Yeah, well, I'm not gonna.
Really?
It's the last comeback of your life
and that's all you've got?
That actually makes me a little sad, but--
and immediately happy again.
- Where is everyone? - Still inside.
It wasn't looking good, so Archer sent me up here.
What? We have to go get them.
Lana, wait. That's not why he sent me.
Didn't you say making the world a better place
was most important?
What? Come on, I just said that!
I didn't think it would actually come up!
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but trust him, because he trusts you.
- What's the plan? - OK, all right.
We set up an ambush. If the dam breaks,
they don't want to be down, so they're gonna go up.
Stop Slater. Get the detonator.
Prevent the Cold War. I'm in.
Ugh, I just wish we had some backup.
We do.
Cheryl?
Lana, stop dicking around.
Could you imagine if Cheryl was the only backup at--
oh, shit, you're serious.
No, no.
It doesn't end like this.
Sorry, guys.
I can't make it.
I got you, little fella.
Pam! Ugh, don't call me that.
Ooh!
Ow!
That really hurt.
Stupid ground.
God damn it, Pam.
Why are you always the best?
Why don't you ask your face?
Barry, I'm so sorry.
Hey, babe.
You look really big.
A bit outgunned here.
- Cover me! - Cover you?
Cover you where?
I did it!
I really did it! Whoo-hoo!
Now let's get the hell out of here.
Oh, right, death!
Barry, hold on to my CPU.
We have merged our consciousness.
Now witness the true power of Katbar.
- Left. - No, no. I'm leading.
- Left, then right. - I'm leading.
This is like the worst three-legged race of all time.
Slater, you are gonna give me that detonator,
or I'm gonna pull your trachea out
through your dick hole!
Detonator? You think there's a detonator?
What am I, an amateur?
Jesus, Lana.
You use detonators when you want there to be
an option to explode or not.
You use a timer when you--
_
That sound you just heard was the dam bursting.
Get everyone out now!
No, I'm not a lady.
Hasn't this guy ever heard of a buffer
on his goddamn time bomb?
Ah, don't worry.
I'll tell everyone how I tried to stop you.
Enjoy prison, buddy.
You used the "enjoy" line already, Slater!
- Archer, don't do it. - Who would I be if I didn't?
Besides, you know I'm the best when saving the world
happens to coincide with being super petty.
Goodbye, Archer.
No! I... hate... goodbyes!
Help me!
Why would I do that?
Because I know...
- who your father is. - What?
What, you don't think the CIA
ever ran your DNA through our database?
I-I mean, that does accord
with my sense of my own importance.
I looked it up and deleted it.
I'm the only one who knows.
I did it for leverage.
God, it sucks that you're clever sometimes!
Hey, if you don't save me,
you'll never know your father's identity.
Slater, turns out, I don't need to know.
Oh, that is such horseshiiiiit!
But hey, enjoy falling.
Hey, Slater, now I'm your daddy!
Ha! Wait, no, didn't say that.
No one heard it.
It was the "enjoy" line and then nothing.
That's what ended it. That's all I said.
And the final tally:
172 to 21.
Private spy agencies are outlawed.
God damn it.
Uh, little surprise for you all.
We got a cut of that shantytown's crypto,
and we're all... millionaires!
What? No!
Sell. Sell, sell, sell!
Well, we--we all have... a little bit of money.
- All right. - Hooray.
OK, here's my pitch.
We use your money to fund my research
to colonize the moon... with werewolves.
Think about it. The moon is always full there.
Ooh. I'm liking it.
You are the biggest bunch of undisciplined, petty weirdos
I have ever met.
And, my God, it has been an honor.
Thousand pound this is a bull's-eye.
Make it five!
Ow! Damn it, Zara!
Yes! That counts!
Guys. Guys!
Hey, jackasses!
OK, sorry. Sorry, that was harsh.
I just wanted to say that, you know,
we did something really good today.
And yeah, we fucked up before...
a lot.
But we've done a lot of good too.
And--and maybe we all gave up a lot of stuff to do it,
you know, like-- like normal lives and...
healthy relationships and not having all these scars.
But the thing is, I'm proud of these scars.
I'm proud of us.
And I know Malory would be too.
But you know what?
Life is not over yet, OK?
You guys are gonna do great new things
you haven't even thought of.
And--and so am I.
And I'm trying really hard to convince myself
of that right now, but I--
I really think I believe it.
And you should too.
'Cause I love you guys, all of you.
And you deserve all of the happiness
this fucked-up world can give you.
Hey, Archer, what are you gonna--
Archer?
Where'd he go?
- Oh, Sterling. - Oh. Oh, Katya.
It's even better than I imagined.
This is mind-blowing.
I mean, wow.
Barry, I'm gonna need you to stop talking.
Oh, but it's so different.
Stop talking!
OK, start talking again.
That was actually really working for me.
- Whoa-ho! Oh, yeah! - Oh!
_
Not sure what you're looking for,
but we're closed.
Oh, I'm looking for you, Ms. Kane.
Have you seen Sterling Archer recently?
Have you?
He disappeared after Sochi.
I hear he's been on quite the tear of rogue espionage.
Yes, well, we were hoping you might help us with that.
And "we" is?
I represent a new joint CIA-MI6 coordinating group.
Private spying may be a thing of the past,
but the world's still a complicated place.
Sometimes flexible solutions are needed.
That's who "we" is.
So private spying is dead,
but sometimes you need someone nonpublic.
Precisely!
And Mr. Archer... is a problem for us.
Ha, try having a kid with him.
We can't have him out there freelancing.
Too chaotic, too messy.
No sense of perspective.
So you've come to me.
One job.
We don't care how long it takes.
Generous stipend, rotating diplomatic covers,
sizable bonus upon completion.
Just bring in Sterling Archer.
I'll think about it.
We'd expect nothing less, Ms. Kane.
Don't worry, Mom. I got him.
Very funny, AJ. How was the zoo?
Mom, it was amazing! I saw an elephant.
We had cotton candy. Dad got me a--
Shh! Let it be a surprise.
Uh-oh. Do you two need... to talk?
I'll go wait in the car.
Well, you better be able to live off that stipend,
because you're never bringing me in.
Oh, dream on, buddy.
Could be fun, though.
Cat and mouse for years.
Glimpses in the corridor.
Imagine the erotic possibilities.
- Ugh. - Then it's settled.
Visits with AJ are off-limits?
Oh, obviously.
Here's to a suspense-filled three days before I catch you.
Well, got to head back to the shadows.
It was quite the thing, wasn't it?
Right?
Hey, Lana, I, um--
about us...
I'm really gonna miss hearing what you--
what you think about stuff.
Couldn't have said that ten years ago?
Asshole.
- Oh, and, Lana? - Yeah?
Like I said, AJ and I went to the zoo,
and, uh, you should probably buy a gibbon cage.
God damn it.
Lana, I got your message--
Archer? What are you doing here?
And where the hell do you get off not saying goodbye?
Well, Pam, I hate goodbyes.
And I knew I'd see you again.
So, what, you pretended to be Lana
and called me here to apologize?
Pfft, no, it's just that I've been out there on my own
and it's--it's not sustainable.
No one to watch my back.
What happened to thriving solo
in literally any situation?
Eh, I might have been wrong.
You want in? High danger. Not a lot of money.
Just get in the goddamn elevator.
- So where to? - Tangier.
- What we got there? - Not a fucking clue.
Perfect.
credits