- Decoy? Decoy? - I did warn you.
After you threw me off the bike.
So less a warning than an assignment.
God, I've always wanted to throw him off something.
- What's it like? - Surprisingly easy.
You're easy! Wait, no.
You're whatever's sexually undesirable
due to untrustworthiness.
Like my tennis coach who, turns out, is married.
I don't see the problem.
You still got away from the police.
And then got tranqed by the international jewel thieves
we're supposed to be taking down.
Yeah, and they didn't use the good stuff either.
My point is, this is all part of the plan.
Yeah, and, um, what part of the plan comes
after being chained by our feet to the ceiling of a sea cave?
The fun part.
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -
Easy, Lillian Leitzel.
Excuse me for not wanting to die dangling.
Oh, yeah, much better to die
swinging back and forth like a rummy old piņata.
No one's going to die!
But we will drown if we're not free in a few minutes.
So, Zara, what exactly is your plan?
Because so far, it's...
Rob a probably innocent man,
then rob a definitely innocent museum...
Get tranquilized,
then hang upside down in a cave.
The plan's actually too intense
for your aging brain to understand,
but we're waiting on step 3 of 12.
14, if they have guard dogs.
Seriously?
- Seriously? - Problem?
"I have a plan, but I can't share it,"
is exactly what people say when they don't have a plan
and hope it all works out.
Wonder why you know that.
We all know why I know that!
The difference is, I actually have a plan.
- Trust me. - I don't.
You're a loose cannon.
You're kind of also a loose cannon, bud.
Exactly, and you can't have two loose cannons on one ship.
They'd smash everything.
Yeah, as opposed to one loose cannon.
I feel like "loose cannon" is never used as a positive.
Really? Because people call me one all the time.
And you think that's a compliment.
Obviously.
And now we know you're not the subtext cannon.
Said the stupid cannon.
New plan, and I can share it.
I'm saving the day.
"And why does that require you to be barefoot?"
she asked, barely caring.
It's not my feet. It's my shoe.
I made Krieger install an emergency phone
- the week I joined the agency. - Ugh. Why?
Because it felt like something a spy would have!
And guess what. It is.
Because I have it.
Well, you're finally using the shoe phone.
It's about time. Does it stink?
Shut up, Krieger. Listen, trace my call.
The moron Interpol agent got us captured.
Well, according to your shoe, you're on an island in Greece.
Ooh, also according to your shoe,
you're pigeon-toed.
- We're in Greece? - Jelly.
So anything else?
Organize a rescue, God damn it!
Oh, shit.
Congratulations on your daring robberies.
You have the attention of the Vanguard.
But we only need one new member,
so we will let the tide decide.
I'll be back in an hour.
You forgot to say, "Any questions?"
To which I would say, "Lots."
Like, do you wash these chains between guests?
Because salt water isn't enough to get them clean.
Oh, please, salt water works fine on blood.
It's rust you gotta worry about.
- Ahh. - Damn.
Way to go, Zara.
Ah!
You couldn't have done that earlier?
Like before I got this inversion erection?
I don't think that's a thing.
Then explain why I have one!
Step three was waiting for them to leave us alone
so we'd have more time to infiltrate the facility.
There was a step three!
No, there wasn't!
She's just doing things and calling them steps.
- Says the guy doing nothing. - Am I?
Or am I on step one of kicking your ass?
Eh, still looks like nothing.
Do you want me to get you down?
No. Like my erection, I will handle this myself.
Look, our goal is to take down the Vanguard leader,
but he never leaves Vanguard's secret island headquarters,
and the only way to get here was to be recruited.
But now we're locked in a quickly flooding cave.
Are we?
Was that...
- Step four, baby. - Not a step.
See you after we accomplish the mission!
Not if I see you first
but after I accomplish the mission with my plan.
Yeah, good luck with that.
She said with obvious jealousy.
Okay, my plan.
My plan,
of which step one is...
Utilize a friendly turtle!
Which takes us to step two.
Thoughts?
I've got good news and bad news, people.
What about spooky news?
Ooh, you never hear about spooky news.
- Right? - Ugh, tell me the bad news.
Well, the good news is, the shoe phone worked great.
And it gives me hope for my next invention,
the brain parasite phone.
Krieger, the bad news.
- The team was captured. - What?
Oh, wait, there's more good news.
They're in Greece.
How is that good news?
Duh. It's olive season.
Okay, we have to rescue them.
You're all back on field duty.
Aww. Okay.
Ugh, I guess I'll get my knives.
Wait, how are we gonna get there on such short notice?
You gave away the private plane.
I gave away Robert's plane because we don't need it
or him or his stupid money.
There are other ways to travel.
Four to Athens, please.
No, I don't wanna check my knives.
I wanna carry them on the plane like a normal person!
Hey, Cyril, they still allow
biological weapons on planes, right?
What? No!
Oh, really?
Well, I'll be right back.
I gotta say, Shelly,
for a slow, inevitable death jail,
this sea cave is pretty peaceful.
But a way out would be nice.
Where are the others?
- Sharks? - There are no sharks in Greece.
There's sharks in the ocean.
All the oceans are connected.
You're telling me a shark couldn't get to Greece?
And get into this particular sea cave?
Yeah, you've got a point there.
Relax. I'm just trying to get your keys.
But if you keep struggling...
Hang on. Did you already drown?
It's been, like, ten seconds.
Uh, note to Vanguard:
the guy guarding the water jail should probably have
bigger lungs than a canary.
Take care, Shelly.
And sorry for killing that guy in your cave.
Vanguard leader, come out to play!
Move, asshole.
Oh, hey! You didn't drown.
And I drowned someone else.
It's called going above and beyond, Zara.
Well, we're on step eight.
See this guy's face? Step seven.
Well, call me Saul of Tarsus.
Why, are you blinding magicians now?
No, you I'm a convert!
This woman has a plan.
She's like you, Archer,
if all the chaos and explosions and deaths were intentional.
Everything I do is intentional.
Remember when I crashed a space shuttle
and Ray was paralyzed?
- Vaguely. - Exactly.
"Exactly" what?
- He's even better now. - Says who?
Well, if you're not, you should've said something.
I complain literally all the time!
Anyway, I'm gonna keep going on with the mission.
Ha!
Tell me where your boss is,
or I will give you a bright idea.
Because of the light bulb in his brain.
- Nice. - What boss?
Your boss. The leader.
Of the Vanguard.
The Vanguard has no leader.
What step is learning
your plan doesn't work?
But obviously, this is bad for the mission.
Uh, getting dark in here.
Yeah, two ways.
What do you mean the Vanguard has no leader?
We're nonhierarchical.
Everyone is the leader.
To wipe out the Vanguard,
you have to kill all 61 members.
Technically 60. I accidentally drowned a guy.
Maybe you know him? Bald? Lungs like a baby bird?
Damn! And damn.
- 59. So we're tied. - Not for long.
- It's not a contest! - But it could be.
We've got a lot of Vanguard to take out.
And an odd number. You know, to avoid ties.
Yeah, 'cause that's the most important thing
in a murder contest.
The murders were accidents, Ray.
- This will be more like... - A concussion contest.
Exactly, but never finish my sentence again.
It's on. Whoever knocks out the most guards
is officially the loosest cannon.
- Loser is... - A normal lady cannon?
If that's the label you prefer.
Wait, you're okay?
Nope. So that's two me, and...
All the rest me!
Oh, good, another mission based on spite.
I know!
Wait, was that sarcasm?
I'm thrilled.
A rescue mission on a commercial plane
with checked guns
to save agents who failed to accomplish
our first mission for Interpol,
thus putting the entire future of this agency in jeopardy.
Also, the moron in front of me
leaned his seat all the way back!
Hey, I'm just exercising my right to recline.
And your right to suck.
I am calling the flight attendant.
Fine, go crying to your sky mom.
I just wanted to do things differently, you know,
be the steady hand in the office,
but instead, here I am,
first mission in charge, back in the field.
Maybe I can't leave.
I mean, Archer doesn't work well on his own.
- Are you okay? - No.
My submarine has bigger seats than this!
I asked you to charter us a private plane.
And I thought flying commercial would be funny!
They actually give you peanuts.
I thought that was some kind of weird joke.
Five perfectly good bioweapons
thrown in a public trash can.
They should be in a terrorist's trash can!
Stop saying those words on a plane.
Sir, I'm gonna need you
to come with me to the back of the plane.
Ooh, upgrade.
I'll save your peanuts for later.
Oh, I'm sorry. Were you gonna knock him out?
No.
I was going to knock him out.
So you won't mind if I go after...
The slowest, sickest guard on some future mission?
Not at all.
You know, in a weird, accidental way,
they're kind of a good team.
Yeah, they're a regular Farrell and Balanchine.
Yeah, including the awkward age gap.
Call it a tie?
Hey, he was already unconscious!
And excessive force is the tiebreaker.
Point Archer, which means...
I'm winning.
Damn, you guys have a cafeteria?
We have to pay for our meals.
I'm just saying, if the choice was between
eating this meal and the plane crashing,
I would choose the plane crash.
The chicken is very good. My compliments to the chef.
Any chance the captain could speed this flight up?
We're in a bit of a rush.
Maybe stepping up to run the agency was the wrong move.
I mean, I thought being in the office would be
better for AJ, but not if I end up
in the field every mission, and Cheryl, I need you to stop.
I need more room!
This is like a plane for bugs!
Ma'am, just a reminder
that the captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign.
Just a reminder that I don't care.
Ma'am, I need you to calm down.
You are alarming the other passengers.
Well, they should be alarmed, because I'm gonna buy this plane
and crash it into the ground
where all the other poor people live.
The sky is for the rich, you fucking bugs!
25.
21.
26 and 27.
Ugh, 21 again.
Get your own.
I'm not the one who needs to lay off the carbs.
Ha! Oh, now we're body-shaming?
Call it body-constructive criticism.
Same side, assholes!
- Pam, stop. - What?
We need an odd number of guards.
If you knock one out, Zara and I might tie.
Come on. Seriously?
Hey, uh, before we do this, one question.
Is anyone out sick today?
What is happening? We landed an hour ago.
Excuse me.
Lana, we're not supposed
to take off our seat belts until we're at the gate.
And the gate is right there.
Do they not know this is a rescue mission?
On a commercial flight? Huh. How would they not?
Are they leaving?
Hey! Hey!
You have a plane full of people here!
Ma'am, it's not yet safe to stand.
Oh, not safe? Why?
Are we in danger of running into one of the zero employees
currently helping out there?
- Ma'am... - Oh, do not "ma'am" me.
I have jumped out of planes over war zones
with a parachute made from a negligee.
I think I'll be fine crossing the tarmac
at Baklava International Airport.
Don't you dare come at me with that ta...
Ah, will you look at that? An eye massager.
What'll they think of next?
How many is that?
Uh, little busy avoiding death
and not being able to fight back.
Well, I count 30!
Same.
Ah! Damn it!
- Seriously? - That face belongs to my fist!
- I could also just leave. - No!
50 on Archer, but 20 on Zara to break one of his arms.
Ugh, who puts olives in lasagna?
They are in season.
Enough.
Uh, can whatever this is wait
until I knock out this terrified man?
I'm afraid not.
I'm the Warden, leader of the Vanguard.
- Wha... - Ugh!
Sorry, it's not you.
It's just, now there is an even number.
Look at us. Tied with our own zips.
Ugh, don't remind me... of the tie.
It's 30 to 30.
Is that seriously what you're thinking about right now?
I mean... yes?
You know, I'm beginning to think
you're not aspiring new recruits.
We are, but she's a spy.
Ugh, we're all spies.
Is this still part of your plan?
"Plan" in massive air quotes.
Pretty sure y'all's little competition derailed the plan.
- Or did it? - It did.
- I derailed you. - Ha!
So you admit there was a plan to derail.
No! Uh, shit. Hang on, I...
Do I have your attention?
Not really, no.
Have you ever heard that you catch
more flies with honey?
Oh, right in the same hole!
Probably just luck.
Oh!
It's not luck.
Same hole again. This guy's good.
Okay. You have his attention.
Still can't believe you're not nonhierarchical.
A lie for my protection.
If no one believes there's a leader,
there's no leader to find.
But, you know, someone has to write the checks
and decide which holidays to take off.
Oh, we've got someone like that.
She's, uh, new at the job,
but feel confident saying she's bad at it.
It's certainly not going to help
that she's lost an entire team.
What? What? What? What?
Why tie us up if you're just gonna shoot us right way?
Why give 60 men concussions?
You have your process, and I have mine.
Wait! Are you really the leader of the Vanguard?
- Yes. - But really?
Really, really?
- Yes. - Great.
What the hell just happened?
- Is that... - Step 12.
Archer has a shoe phone.
I have a shoe gun.
Seems more useful.
Oh, also, that's 31 to 30, so I win.
Step 12?
I thought we were still on step nine!
Zara, I'm gonna tell you what I told the dry cleaner
who got yuzu off my yukata:
- you might be a genius. - Yeah, you might...
Warden down.
Vanguard base to self-destruct in five minutes.
The base explodes if the Warden dies?
Does the new leader have to build a completely new base?
I'm a little more concerned
about how we're all tied to chairs
in a building that's about to explode.
So, genius, what part of the plan is this?
Technically, the plan only went up
to killing the leader of the Vanguard,
so I guess the plan is to blow up in five minutes.
New plan.
Hope that the shoe phones are waterproof.
- Archer. - You'll have to speak up.
I'm calling on a long-distance shoe.
We'll be there in five minutes.
Although, full disclosure,
the airline lost our bags,
so we don't have any weapons or beach clothes.
Uh, additional full disclosure,
we're blowing up in four minutes.
- What? - Okay, tell them
we have one knife.
Oh, where did you get that?
- Uh, I brought it? - On the plane?
It's ceramic.
Lana, in case we explode,
I want you to know, I've never respected...
Archer? Archer.
The battery must be dead.
I told him I could've fit more batteries
in a kitten heel.
On the bright side, now that we're tied to chairs
instead of a cave ceiling,
I can move close enough to do this.
Do what? Kick the air near me?
You know that wasn't my intent!
Fight toward an exit.
We've got three minutes.
All you'd have to do is sit here,
and you'd never have to deal with any of them ever again.
And miss all that good TV?
No.
Whoa!
Just let me go first!
I'd rather die.
- You're about to. - You don't know my explosion tolerance!
Grudge later, you dicks.
Oh, thank God. I'm so glad to see you.
31! We tied.
Oh, thank God. We're not too late.
Not too late for what, s'mores?
Oh, my God.
They're... they're gone.
They're... they're really gone.
If we can find even a shred of DNA,
I can bring them back.
In the bodies of dogs.
Any dog you want.
Collies, Labradors, pugs.
Look!
How do I keep forgetting I can do that?
Because you don't want to admit to yourself
that you're an abomination?
Oh, there it is.
- Lana Kane. - Zara Kahn.
So the leader of the Vanguard is dead.
Their facility is destroyed.
I believe Interpol would consider that a mission accomplished.
Congratulations.
And better luck next time, lady cannon.
Uh, more like same luck this time.
I got the final guard on the way out,
which means we tied. What do you say to that?
Step 5B: provide a metaphorical fig leaf
for your limp, wilting ego.
There were sub-steps?
There were sub-steps.
Uh, what's happening on this mission?
A commercial airline made a powerful enemy.
Your attitude was tanking the mission,
so I gave you a goal to get you in line.
It's not a contest!
But it could be.
You thought you were proving you were a loose cannon.
I had you tied down the whole time.
No, that's... I... this doesn't make you the loose cannon!
Oh, I'm not a loose cannon.
I'm more a shotgun filled with scalpels.
Ooh, I'm getting one of those.
How have I not made one of those?
Hmm, maybe I don't need to go back in the field after all.
How would you like a new job?
Would I have to relocate?
- I'm based in Europe. - Oh. Uh...
And if I do relocate, is there a moving stipend?
Also, am I under a fixed contract?
Who deals with my migration status?
And if I quit, do I get to keep the stipend?
Uh, sure that we can do, um...
No! I'm fucking with you.
I've been looking for a new challenge,
and you seem like a better boss than those Interpol pricks.
But I want what Archer makes, plus $1.
Wha... on what basis?
On the basis that I was the best at Interpol.
I'll be the best at whatever you guys are.
- Deal. You are hired. - What?
You know, I sort of liked flying commercial.
There was more bondage than I expected.
What just happened?
I think you just got a new partner
who technically makes more than you.
Like I care.
Cyril, do you think she knows I don't care?
- I don't know. - Well, she needs to,
because I don't.
Zara?
Zara!
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -