We have a bunch of errands to run this weekend,
so can we try and get to the abandoned mall
early to avoid the radioactive zombies?
They make parking a nightmare.
Mm, I need to finish reading this old
box of toothpaste before book club.
Had a great beginning where the toothpaste was minty,
but now I'm in this boring part
where four out of five dentists recommend it.
Well, good night.
Should we have sex?
- W-What? - I don't know.
It's just been a while since we last did it.
Might be nice to give the Little Warlord some fresh air.
Yeah, no, I wasn't exactly in a, like, sex frame of mind,
but, no, definitely, let's do it.
Let's have sexual intercourse...
baby.
All right.
I'll just mount the ol' war rig...
Yeah.
Sorry. That was the Indian food.
That's okay. There we go.
Hi.
Uh, does Scraps have to be here?
It's fine. He doesn't even know what he's seeing.
No, yes, I do. It's sex, and I like it.
That's good.
That's real good.
Maybe we should just take a rain check.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
What?
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
At noon, you have your meeting
with the Trash Pickers Union.
Devon, quit selling doodads and focus on gizmos!
At 2:00 p.m., you wanted to survey
the floating garbage island that just washed ashore.
Keep sorting, Sikowsky!
Just because you don't have arms
doesn't mean your teeth don't work.
Oh, and later on,
you've got your 40-year high school reunion.
That's fun!
Oof, no, thanks.
Believe it or not, I wasn't exactly
"Mister Popular" in high school.
Everyone called me Moaning Morris...
because I moaned so much when they punched me.
But they only punched me because I moaned.
It was a real chicken-and-egg situation.
Right. But that was... that was a long time ago, Mr Rubinstein.
Don't you want to go back and show your old classmates
what kind of a man you've become?
Hey, you're right.
I'm probably way more successful than those schmucks.
And now I can really rub it in their stinkin' faces!
Right. That seems like an almost
willful misinterpretation of what I said, but okay.
Thanks, Sid!
That was great advice you gave me, as I understood it.
Great.
Hey! You get out of here!
Next time I see you, I'm gonna kill you!
You hear me?!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
Phew! Another close one.
Good thing I'm here to protect the place.
Mm-hmm.
So, I had the hottest sex last night with this
Rube Goldberg machine.
He did this thing where he tipped a row of dominos,
which made a bowling ball roll down a ramp,
which lit a candle, and long story short,
a mousetrap fell on my penis.
That sounds hot.
It was.
Just, back in the Wasteland, Sid and I used to do it
all the time... in the car, in the sand,
once midair, falling off a cliff.
- Mmm. - But now that we're married,
it's like we're business partners
that just happen to live together.
See, this is what happens when you decide
to spend your life with the exact same person.
Your passion is gonna continue to dwindle,
until you'll become like all these other
Boomtown couples, whose only idea of romance
is a weekly date night at the Boomtown Bistro.
That sounds horrible! I don't want that for me and Sid!
Don't worry. You're with a licensed sexpert.
That's "sex" plus "expert."
Right, yeah. No, I got that.
So why didn't you laugh?
Morris Rubinstein, CEO, Morris's Junk Emporium.
Welcome, Morris! You're the last one to arrive.
Am I late? Oh, let me check with my Rolex.
Here's your name tag.
Thank you.
Well, guess I'll make my grand entrance, then.
They're all skeletons.
Yes, unfortunately, they all died in The Boom.
Well, there's no point bragging about my success
if they're all dead.
I'm gonna go.
Say, is that Ron Miller?
I'd recognize that big oaf anywhere.
Hey, Miller!
Yeah, thought you were so cool?
Well, now you're dead, and I've got a Rolex!
Freya, Sid, thank you for agreeing to do
this important work for your relationship.
Yeah, I'm not sure I'm comfortable
talking about this kind of stuff,
especially with your famously bitchy best friend.
Oh, everything said here is completely confidential.
Unless, of course, I think it's funny or just plain nasty.
Sid, we have to figure out a way to save our sex life.
- Okay? - It's important to me.
Yeah, uh, okay. Yeah, let's... let's do it.
That's the spirit.
Now, I'm gonna need you to put on your neural transmitters.
You'll feel the teensiest little pinch
as the brain-stinger shoots into your spine.
Sorry, what?
Uh... where are we?
A place to explore the outer reaches of your sexual reality.
Welcome...
to the Matrix-x-x.
So, w-w-why are you saying it like that?
Oh, it's like the Matrix but with three X's at the end.
You know, like a sex thing?
Oh.
You kind of have to see it written out for it to work.
No, no, it works. It's good.
Yeah, it's funny.
Anyway...
The Matrix-x-x is a simulated reality.
Your bodies are back in the real world, being watched by Scraps.
Scraps, do you read me?
Yo, you're coming in loud and clear, boss!
Not exactly sure what I'm looking at here.
Just a bunch of numbers falling down a screen,
but I'm just gonna keep on looking back and forth
at these monitors and randomly pressing stuff.
The only way to counteract the boner-killing effects
of married life is by introducing
ever-more elaborate kinks into the bedroom.
But first, we're gonna need dildos.
Lots of dildos.
Whoa.
The simulation can manifest your wildest fantasies
simply by thinking of them.
If things ever get too intense, the safe word...
is "boogie board."
Yeah, I don't know. I think this...
this might be just a little much for me.
Maybe we start by just lighting some candles or...
or put on some mood music?
Smooth jazz can be very kinky.
Relax. This'll just be silly and fun.
Here, I'll go first.
Help! Help! He's gonna kill me!
This is silly and fun?
So I say to the guy, "Watch it, pal.
This suit costs more than your car."
Aww.
Anybody want another drink?
I can afford it, trust me.
Ohh! Oh.
Well, if it isn't my old bully, Sean Bachman.
Well, news flash, Sean... I'm not Moaning Morris anymore.
I'm a big success, and you're just a big pile of bones.
Yeah, words were never your thing, were they?
Well, let me put it in language you'll understand.
Ah!
Noooo! D'oh!
Don't look at me!
No! Don't! Ow!
Now I'm moaning.
Moaning Morris!
Oh, no!
You monster.
I'll never give you the coordinates to the Oasis,
no matter what you do to my hot little body.
God, no, Freya, I would never dream of hurting you.
I love you.
No, Sid, we're role-playing.
I'm the helpless peasant, and you're the evil mechanic.
Now, I want you to take control of me!
Right. Uh...
Okay.
Yeah, I... I'm a mean, scary guy.
Yeah.
I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
Ay-yay-yay- yay-yay-yay-yay!
Oh, God! Freya, I am so sorry!
I did not realize that was gonna do that!
Oh. That was amazing.
- What? - Do it again.
You liked that? That... That looked so painful.
Sid, I'm not some delicate flower, okay?
I can handle it.
Now I want you to zap me like I'm a baked potato!
Okay. Um, uh, here I go.
Ay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay!
It's s-o-o g-o-o-o-ood!
Yeah, it's fun for me, too.
Turn it u-u-u-u-up!
Okay.
Aaaa-whooooooooooooo!
Oh, no, no, I can't do this!
I'm sorry! Boogie board! Boogie board! Boogie board!
Aww.
Why'd you stop? I was just about to explode.
Yeah, Sid, what do you have against giving your wife pleasure?
No, no, that wasn't pleasure.
I can still smell her hair burning.
Are you really telling me you've never had
a single secret sexual fantasy in your entire life?
I mean, of course, everyone's got something.
Really? You never told me.
- What is it? - No, I can't.
It's not appropriate.
You'll... You'll think I'm weird.
Sid, I love you, and I want to make you happy.
Okay, there's nothing you could say that would turn me off.
Please.
You promise?
I promise.
I really want to hear.
Okay.
I am sexually attracted to boulders.
I'm sorry. What was that?
When I was a young road wanderer,
experiencing my first sexual stirrings...
- Right. - ...there weren't
a lot of people around,
but there were a lot of boulders.
And I think that I may have accidentally projected
some of my feelings on to...
them.
So, yeah.
I'm horny for boulders.
What the...
Oh, that's... that's great.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, boulders.
I mean, that's... that's sexy.
- Right, Tai? - Oh, no.
I know this is supposed to be a judgment-free zone,
but your boy's a freak.
Oh.
Thanks for the ice.
Serves me right for taking a shot at you.
You know, you're a really good listener, Sean.
I had you all wrong.
Yeah, maybe I should put my old grievances aside
and move on with my life.
To putting the past behind us.
Say...
is that Misty Sanders?
Boy, I used to have the biggest crush on her,
but I never had the guts to ask her out.
What's that smile? You think I should talk to her?
You dog!
All right. I'm gonna do it.
You dog.
Hey, Misty?
Uh, Morris Rubinstein.
You probably don't remember me.
I used to sit behind you in math class.
I almost failed algebra because of you.
Well, you haven't slapped me yet.
That's a good sign.
Misty, would I be too bold to ask you to dance?
? Please just stay near ?
Honey, I'm home!
Oh.
Am I interrupting something?
We've been waiting for you.
Come join us.
A boulder in our marital bed.
This feels so wrong.
But also so right.
Okay, now you two kiss.
Oh. Um...
okay.
Oh, my God.
Mmm, pebbly.
Right. Now let's triple kiss.
Yeah.
Oh, wow, this is so hot.
Oh, you must weigh a thousand tons.
If you rolled down a hillside,
you would crush everything in your path.
Cool, cool.
Oh, no.
Horniness levels are plummeting.
Not again.
Hey, get back here!
I'm gonna kill you!
I want to free solo you so bad.
So I'm fully out of the scenario at this point, right?
- I'm just checking. - I can't stand it any longer.
I need you now.
Oh, it's better than I could've ever imagined.
The boulder's surface is so rough.
There's not even a hole. I am just smashing my dick
against the hard boulder surface.
That's it. Boogie board!
A million times boogie board!
Boulder... Aah!
Nope. Nope. That was too messed up.
Hey, don't kink-shame me! I feel vulnerable right now.
Well, that was the freakiest shit I've ever seen!
Wait. My thing was freaky?
At least I didn't want to be actually tortured!
I am loving this open and honest communication.
I feel like we're on the verge of a major breakthrough.
Shut up, Tai! This sucks. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yeah, this has been a complete disaster.
- Get us out of here. - All right, geez.
If you want to give up on your relationship forever.
Scraps, give us an exit.
Scraps?
Just get back here!
Get back here! I'll kill you!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
Huh.
- Tai? - Hmm?
Did you trap us in a computer prison forever?
S-Sorry. What was that?
I'm... I'm just gonna go check on that.
Yeah, I'm here.
Oh, Misty, you make me feel like I'm 16 again,
dancing with the prettiest girl in school.
Oh, what are you doing to me?
I'm a married man.
This is crazy.
Oh, hell, let's be crazy.
? I'm holding out for love ?
? The reason the sun comes up ?
? Your the life ?
Whoa! Oh, Misty! I love you!
I spy with my little eye something white.
What's the matter? You don't want to play anymore?
I'm sad about our relationship.
So that's it?
We're just gonna become one of those sexless couples,
like Tai said?
Who go on boring date nights at the Boomtown Bistro?
Ugh, no. Can you imagine?
"Uh, hey, let's make time out of our already very busy lives
to go just hang out with each other
in a different place that isn't our house."
"I'll put on my nice top,
even though you've literally seen me naked a thousand times."
"Yeah, and I'll put on my one nice shirt."
Aw, you haven't worn that shirt in forever.
- It looks nice on you. - Thanks.
You look so pretty.
Bet the bar would be stupid.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
Though is does create a nice ambiance.
It is really pleasant.
Thank you, thank you.
That one was called, "I Ate My Baby."
Bet the cocktails have stupid names,
like "Wasteland Punch" and "Atomic Apple-Tini."
Although, that one does look really good.
- Should we get one? - Ooh!
It's still happy hour. Drinks are half off.
Well, then we should get two.
Sid, you're bad.
I know.
God, stupid mailman.
Almost had him.
What the... This can't be right.
The horniness levels...
...they're rising.
Okay.
This date night is kind of doing it for me.
Should we...?
You know.
Freya, we're in the middle of a wine bar.
Sid, none of this is real.
We're in a simulation.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
They're doing it.
It's beautiful.
- Sexy. - Who's your daddy?
- Oh, you're my daddy! - Who's your daddy?
- You're my daddy! - Whoo!
Go, Mom and Dad!
Oh. You know, I don't understand this...
I don't understand this one.
Woop! Ho-ho! Sacre bleu!
Hold on to your butts, Mom and Dad.
You're coming home.
No! Not like this!
Hi.
There, there.
Okay, let me go grab you a towel.
Thanks.
Ugh! You had a date night?
It was actually really fun. There was live music.
- Ugh! - Great atmosphere.
- Ugh! - And the shishito peppers.
The shishito peppers.
- Oh, my God. - Nom nom nom.
I need to wipe my hard drive to erase this memory.
I feel sick.
You are my little shishito pepper.
You're my little shishito pepper.
Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom!
Hey, lovebirds. Beautiful day, ain't she?
Hey, Mr Rubinstein! Oh!
So, did you end up rubbing your success
in your classmates' faces?
No, I'm beyond all that.
I was able to put the past in the past.
I caught up with friends, patched up old grievances,
had sex with a skeleton, and danced our butts off...
Sorry. You did what?
Danced our butts off.
Honestly, Sid, try and keep up sometime.
Well, anyway, I should probably get home to my loving wife.
I'll see you at work.
Hmm.
- That guy is your mentor. - Yes, he is.
Oh, hi, honey.
Hey!
Mwah.
The kids will be here any minute to celebrate your birthday.
Okay. Just need to get these shoes off.
My dogs are killing me.
Told you I'd kill you.
Honey! The kids are here!
credits