Take this exit for Warwick, Rhode Island.
Could you please keep your eyes on the road?
Relax. Got to look my best.
This is my triumphant return.
None of those jerks ever thought I'd amount to anything.
You haven't amounted to anything.
What are you talking about? I got the big house,
- got the fancy cars... - None of those things belong to you.
The point is, my life turned out better than theirs,
and today is all about shoving that in their faces.
- Alba, get off my dress. - Isn't it Jimmy's day?
He's the one getting his number retired.
How do you get your number retired?
By being a baseball legend.
I was gonna go pro, but I took a full ride to Stanford instead.
Stanford University?
Yeah, I wanted the degree.
You know, something to fall back on.
So, what happened?
Burned my ass off.
How do you burn off your ass?
What does that even mean?
It was an accident, you know.
We'd just won the division,
celebrated too hard, fell asleep with a lit cigarette,
and it must've caught my pants on fire.
My ass literally disintegrated.
They couldn't even find the hole.
All right, that's... we don't need to talk about the hole.
Lost my full ride,
and next thing I know, I'm hanging out at the drains
- with the losers and the burnouts. - Hey.
I was a drainer. We weren't losers. We were just independent.
Look, I'm lucky my ass was the only thing I lost that day.
If Mickey wasn't there to stomp it out, I might be dead.
Look, let's focus on the positive, all right?
This is your day.
You're gonna be up there on that stage.
I'm gonna be right there next to you.
Why are you gonna be up there?
Oh, I'm gonna be presenting him with a big check.
Gonna kick-start the Jimmy P. Shepherd Scholarship Fund.
- With what? You have no money. - None of those charity checks are real.
It's just, like, this big show to make people feel good.
How's my hair?
What's this place? I thought we were going to a baseball game.
Nah, that's tonight. This is Iguana's.
It's where everybody hangs out.
I'm not hanging out at a bar called Iguana's all day.
Come on, Chip, let's go for a walk.
No way. I'm not trying to get murked.
Chip, it's Rhode Island, not Baghdad. We'll be fine.
Hey, Jimmy Shepherd.
I went to kindergarten with that guy.
All right, let's go.
Soak it in, losers.
Mama's home.
Huh?
What's up?
Ugh, what a dump.
I don't like the look of this place at all.
Oh, relax, it's not dangerous. It just sucks.
You're too sheltered. You've got to get out of Greenwich more.
I just went to Martha's Vineyard.
Right.
I got to go to the bathroom.
Wait, are you, uh...
- I'll come with. - No.
Sabrina, please don't leave me out here alone.
Chip, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Fine.
I hope you pee your uterus out.
Yeah, oh, this is our backyard. It's just so much space.
- Sometimes we think it's too big. - Yeah.
Then we're like, "No, it's not. What are you talking about?"
Anyway, th... th... there's so many rooms.
This is probably getting boring. What about you, Pete?
How, uh, h... how's that bus driving going, huh?
You got any new exciting routes you want to talk about?
Another round for us, Shirley, okay? It's on me.
- Where's Ben? I need his credit card. - Yeah, I don't know.
Oh, this is so cool.
- I feel like I'm in high school. - Mm.
Whoa. Who's that stud?
- Oh, that's Mike O'Meara. - Well, who was he in high school?
Was he prom king?
No. He was a psychopath.
He one time ripped a man's ears off.
He's cute.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you got to be kidding me. Ipp Deluca's here?
What? Who's Ipp Deluca?
He's only like the biggest scumbag in Warwick.
Real piece of garbage.
- Good friend of mine. - Ah.
What's wrong with you?
I was mugged.
I told you not to leave me alone.
I was gone for, like, two minutes.
These hoodlums, they came out of nowhere.
They were yelling, they were screaming.
They took my shoes.
- Well, why didn't you fight back? - Are you out of your mind?
They were animals.
I wouldn't have stood a chance.
Come on, let's just go wait in the car.
I'm not gonna go sit in a hot car like some teen mom's baby.
Sabrina, I was just attacked!
I'm hungry.
A pitcher's ass is like a nuclear reactor,
it's the power center.
Everything flows through it.
I thought pitchers used their arms?
No, that's a common misconception.
All pitching comes directly from the ass.
What's that?
I'm packing a lipper.
It's a baseball thing. I'm feeling a little nostalgic.
You know I still hold the strikeout record, right?
That's awesome.
You must've had a really nice butt.
Yeah. Looked like a Clydesdale.
I can see her booby.
I feel like you're a bit too young for this game, but
the damage is already done.
Let's see if we can get this other nipple.
Jimmy Shepherd.
Oh, Ipp Deluca.
- I thought you were in prison. - I'm in and out.
I heard your number's getting retired. Congratulations.
- This guy is the best pitcher I'd ever seen. - Thanks, Ipp.
- That means a lot. - Until my kid. He's way better.
- Is he? - Yeah, Ipp Jr.
You should see the ass on this kid.
It's the size of a jukebox.
- That's where all the power comes from. - That's right, kid.
Sorry. Sensitive subject.
- No, it's not. - Yeah?
- I've made peace with my past. - Good, that's good.
'Cause he's gonna shatter your strikeout record, too.
Yeah? Well, a lot can happen. It's a long season.
How many does he need?
One.
I'm happy for him.
Will you look at this sack of garbage?
Ipp Deluca!
I thought you'd be dead by now.
Honestly, I'm... genuinely surprised you're still alive.
Mickey Molng. You two are still together?
Yeah.
I mean...
- So you never told him... - Wait. Do you need a beer?
- Let's get you a new beer. - No, I'm good. I got one.
I know, but I don't like to start a fresh conversation
- without fresh beers in my hand. - I'm fine.
- Don't... Come on, - No, it's fine.
come on, let's go.
Huh.
The hell are you doing?
Keep your mouth shut. We had a deal.
I can't believe he still doesn't know.
Yeah, well, he doesn't and he can't know now.
Too much time has gone by.
It'd be a whole thing.
You look different, like a fancy newscaster or something.
It's because I'm very well off now.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Put truffles on everything.
And, by the way, uh, money did make me happy.
It's a myth that it doesn't.
- Hmm. Interesting. - Mm-hmm.
How about you pay me to keep my mouth shut?
- What? - Seem like you could afford it.
Well, obviously, I can afford it.
It's not about not being able to afford it.
Damn it. How much are we talking?
I don't know. $25,000?
Shut your mouth. Are you crazy?
- Get out of here. I'm not paying you a dime. - All right.
- Get out of here. - All right, all right.
Then I am gonna tell Jimmy
that you're the one who burnt his ass.
You got one hour to decide.
- What are you guys deciding? - We're not deciding. Why... why... ?
Stop eavesdropping on me and my conversations.
You got any quarters?
Ben's a jack away from uncovering the vagina.
- It was this big baseball party... - Uh-huh.
Me and Ipp sneak off to the bedroom.
We wanted to do some whippets.
Jimmy's already in there, face down,
blackout on the floor, right?
He was such a good kid back then.
He never really drank. His tolerance sucked.
- What a loser. - Well, I see that, and I'm like,
"Okay, well, I got to light
a bottle rocket out of his ass now," right?
- Yeah, yeah. - But here's the thing,
- it wouldn't launch. - What?
Oh, it just stood straight up,
just sparking away like a blowtorch.
By the time he came to in the hospital,
I guess I panicked, I don't know.
That's when I came up with that thing about the cigarette.
Wow. That is some good high school gossip, Mickey.
That's not gossip. That is a terrible, life-changing tragedy.
- Oh, no, it's... it's a tragedy. - But I'm not paying it.
I won't do it. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
Well, maybe you can tell him you really don't have any money.
And look like an ass in front of everybody? No, thank you.
No, we just got to get rid of him.
- Well, how you gonna do that? - I'm not.
Mike O'Meara is.
Only thing Mike loves more than fighting is his car.
We're gonna make him think Ipp destroyed it.
That car is so hot. I bet Mike O'Meara hooks up a ton in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I don't know, it's kind of charming here, right? - Ugh.
What did I just step in?
- Oh, that's a bird. - Ugh.
- Yeah, you just stepped on a dead bird, dude. - Why is it so squishy?
I think it's been there for a while.
Oh, God, there they are, there they are.
Are you kidding me?
Those are the hoodlums that attacked you?
- They're little kids. - Shh, shh!
God, you are such a wang. Come on.
Hey, stop right there!
What's up, sweetheart? Want to be my date tonight?
What? No.
Just give my brother his shoes back, okay?
What shoes? These shoes?
Yes. Hand them over.
Show us your boobs first.
- Excuse me? - Let's see them apples, sweetheart.
Do it. Do it.
- Yeah, that's not happening. - But we could all die tomorrow.
Come on, take 'em out.
Make a boy dreams come true.
Not a chance, you little creep.
Then you're not getting your stuff back.
I wouldn't walk around here barefoot.
There's a lot of dead birds.
Okay, fine, one boob for one second.
- Sabrina, what the hell? - Do you want your stuff back or not?
Wha...
Wait a second. Hold on.
Okay, okay. So, I told Mike that Ipp was messing with his car,
and then I started flirting with him super hard.
Nice. Good. Stick to one agenda.
Watch this shot, you morons.
Ooh, that escalated quickly.
For the record, I was not anticipating this much violence,
- but, uh, okay, problem solved. - Yeah.
Whoa! He's up.
- He's up. He's back in action. - Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, mi amor!
That's not good.
Should I continue beating this man?
All signs point to yes.
Will this mutt ever eat solid foods again?
Outlook not so good.
Mm. Okay.
What the hell's the matter with you, O'Meara?
You smashed up my car.
I didn't touch your car.
She saw you.
Yup. Th... that's right. I... I did.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Alba.
Oh, you know, she's with me, Ipp. Okay?
- So now I'm directly involved. - Aw, f...
Okay. This is a train wreck.
You trying to silence me?
You don't silence me. I'm Ipp Deluca!
I don't know what you're talking about,
but I don't hang out in places like this anymore.
I hang out in fancy establishments, all right?
- Go get Ben, and let's get out of here. - Stop... no, stop...
I want my $25,000.
What are you guys talking about?
You want to tell him, Mick, or should I?
Tell me what?
Jimmy, you didn't burn your ass off.
Mickey did.
Wasn't a cigarette, it was a bottle rocket.
She put it between your cheeks.
She thought it'd be funny, and it was.
- Mick, tell me the truth. - No, no. Because it... it's compli...
- it's very complicated. - No, it's not.
- It's a yes-or-no question. - No.
- Did you do that? - No, there's... there are so many layers
- and... and in... interesting... - Okay, just stop messing with my head
and just tell me the truth.
Did you burn my ass off?
Jimmy...
No.
Of course I didn't.
No. Come on.
What about your nuts?
If you dropped a cigarette down your pants,
the fire would've started in your front.
How come you didn't burn your nuts?
Eh...
- Why didn't I burn my nuts? - What are you, CSI?
I mean... y... y... you're, like, a fire investigator
- all of a sudden? - She just had me attacked.
Dude, what more do you need to know?
Jimmy!
Shh, shh, shh. That's okay, papito.
Alba's gonna take care of you. Yeah.
Hey, hey there. Mickey Molng, hometown hero. Hi.
Hey... hey, guys. What's up?
I'm back. I know.
Cool. Come on, Jimmy, where are you?
Where is everybody? Why is it just you and me here?
Alba went home with the monster man.
New outfit?
Get the hell away from me.
That's my boy Ipp Jr. warming up.
That ass is gonna make me rich.
For the record, I could've easily afforded to pay you off, okay?
It was a matter of principle.
I'm about to present a check for $1 million,
so it's clearly not about the money.
$1 million? Eh.
What do you mean, "eh"?
That'll put, like, three kids through college,
if they go to a state school.
Get the hell out of here.
What if Jimmy doesn't come?
He'll come, buddy... I got a pretty good idea of where he is.
Here, hold this. I'll be back.
Move.
That's right, Junior. Put your ass into it!
No.
- Chip... - No, Sabrina, I don't like this.
Let's just cut our losses and get out of here.
Look, I got to tell you something, as your sister, okay?
You're a coward, dude. It is so pathetic.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I got to go get this picture of my boob.
Give me that phone.
I said give me that phone!
You're crazy! Ow!
Hey. The hell is going on?
Your kids are jerks, okay?
That's what's going on.
Is everything okay, babe?
Oh, hey, Sabrina. Mmm.
There he is.
Uh... The ceremony's about to start.
Ugh.
Look, I know you're upset,
but it would be a real shame to ruin the night.
Ruin the night?
You ruined my life.
Jimmy, it was an accident. All right?
It was a terrible accident.
One that, for the record, wasn't entirely my fault,
just because it was... t... the rocket malfunctioned.
- If I had known that... - Forget the rocket.
- Okay? You lied to me. - Yeah. Yeah.
Should I have told you the truth?
Eh...
Eh, maybe. I... I don't know that that would have made it better.
Would it have brought your ass back? No.
The point is, you make mistakes in life,
and then you got to move on.
You do stupid stuff.
Y... you burn out the ass of your boyfriend,
and then, y... you harbor that as a secret for 20 years,
but you move on. That is life, Jimmy.
Okay? And tonight is really important,
and I would hate for you to let all of that...
that just doesn't even matter anymore...
ruin this night for you.
- Mm. - All right.
I'll do it for you, Mickey.
- Yeah? - Yeah. I'll go.
Peace and closure.
Not the past.
'Cause we're champions now,
in this time.
Right.
- Let's go. - Let's do it.
Thanks for showing us your knockers.
Yeah, they're real nice.
I'm gonna get out of here. Alba. Are you coming with me, or, like,
what are you doing?
I'm looking for two suspects in a robbery/assault.
That's them, Officer.
Seriously, Chip?
What did you do?
Called the police.
Not so cowardly anymore, am I?
Are you kidding me? That's incredibly cowardly.
- God, you're such a weenie. - Whatever.
I don't care if I'm a coward. I'm rich.
Bravery's for poor people, like soldiers and policemen.
Officer, arrest these hoodlums.
But we erased the picture.
Yeah, we're really sorry.
I got a machine gun in my bedroom.
- Full disclosure. - Mm. Yeah.
Okay. Officer, I'm sorry. There's been a misunderstanding.
My brother just overreacted, okay?
- So you don't want to press charges? - No.
Yeah!
Don't mess with Greenwich, baby. Let's go!
Ha, ha! Have fun in jail!
You're a terrible person.
Ladies and gentlemen,
North Warwick High School great,
number 69,
Jimmy Shepherd.
- Thanks, Coach. - You betcha, Jimmy.
Hey, thanks for having me, everybody.
It's a real honor to be here.
I just want to take an opportunity to say that, uh...
this ceremony's a farce!
- Okay. - 'Cause I'm not a pitcher!
- All right. - Okay? I'm not. I'm really not.
- Okay. That's enough. - I'm an ass-less fool,
and this is the woman who lit the match!
- No, you get... this is mine! - Hey, Jimmy.
- Stop it! - That's enough.
- This is my moment! - Let go.
Let go, let go.
Thank you.
Jimmy Shep...
Jimmy Shepherd, everybody.
L... let's tip our cap.
Wonderful.
It's been a, uh, an emotional day for-for Jimmy, as... as...
Going home!
- Very understandable. - Out!
- All right, having a real meltdown... - Hey, what'd we miss?
- It's kind of hard to explain. - What makes a man?
Is it his arm or his ass or is it really
what's inside that matters? Am I right?
Anyway, um, I have this giant check
for an absurd amount of money,
and since it wouldn't really make a dent in my life anymore,
I... I figured I should give it to the less fortunate.
Where the hell did you get fireworks?
- What are you doing? - I'm giving the people what they want.
- This is not... nobody wants this. - Yeah, they do.
- Jimmy, nobody wants this. - Get your hands off me.
- Jimmy, what are you doing? - You let me have this!
Give it to me. You're making a scene!
- I need closure. - Stop it.
- This isn't closure. Knock it off. - Oh, yeah, it is.
Why didn't I burn my nuts?
Stop it. Stop.
Settle down now, Jimmy.
- Uh, you've been here before, buddy. - Come on!
- Get away from me. Get away. - Hold still.
It's what they want.
Nobody wants to see this.
- Are you not entertained?! - Let go of me.
Oh, my God!
My golden egg!
My beautiful boy!
No! Junior!
Shake it off, son!
Oh, God, Jimmy! What have you done?!
You son of a bitch!
My baby boy!
No!
Oh, Junior, no!
No, boy, no!
What have you done? You bastard!
No, no!
No!
Thank you, and congratulations.
It's been a lovely ceremony.
Jimmy, get in the car.
No. I'm walking home.
Hey, you saved your strikeout record.
Are you kidding me? Another ballplayer cut down in his prime?
All 'cause of me and my stupid ass.
- Mickey. - Not now. Okay?
- Mickey. - What?
I made out with Mike O'Meara.
This is his gum.
All right.
That's it.
Hey.
I said it was an accident, okay?
What else do you want from me?
How about, "I'm sorry"?
That's it? "I'm sorry"?
Yeah. Yeah, of course. I... I'll apologize.
I just want to point out, though,
you know, one more time, that it wasn't entirely my fault.
The rocket was defective, okay?
I'm just, I'm just saying,
that you just shot one very successfully out of your ass,
and there was... I see now, that's not the point,
that's not the point, that's not what you want.
I get it, I get it. I get it. I'm so...
S... I'm s...
I can... I'm so...
I... wha... I, it wasn't my...
No. I'm s... I made a mis...
God, it's get... it's, uh, gets stuck.
It just gets stuck.
Look.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I burnt off your ass.
I'm really sorry. Okay?
I don't accept your apology.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
You dirty son of a bitch.
- It's too late. - What?
I know you have nice clothes,
nice car, but you're not nice.
Thanks for coming to Warwick, guys.
I hope you had fun.
Please leave the door unlocked.
You know, we were going to have sex,
but Mike didn't have a condom.
I was so pissed.
Put your seatbelt on.
Dead bird.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -