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I'm off now.
OK.
Are you gonna be all right getting to work?
Yes, don't worry.
I'm not worried. Why would I be worried?
No reason.
Go. I'm fine.
- OK, I'll see you later. - Yep.
_
Hi, Peggy. It's Gareth.
I'm not... feeling too great, to be honest.
It must've come on overnight.
Yeah, yeah, I... I think I better had.
Would you tell Dean I won't be in today?
Oh, thanks, Peggy.
Bye.
One, two, three.
Good morning, Mr Magpie.
I'm sorry you're on your own.
So, now I've used up all my sorrow, nothing bad can happen.
Understand?
So, 0808 1570685
is the number to call for
today's very special phone-in.
Hoping to hear from you this Friday morning,
but it's not any old Friday morning, it's Friday the 13th!
So, no doubt you're all taking extra care of yourselves
and you won't end up in A&E, having driven into a lamppost!
Our fantastic NHS staff are gonna be just twiddling their thumbs today.
Nothing to do, everyone's being so careful.
Well, I hope you get to put your feet up and have a well-deserved rest.
Here's a song just for you.
Hello?
You've reached the Dermot O'Leary...
Oh, hello.
You're in. That's lucky.
I've got a parcel for ya.
Just, er, leave it on the doorstep, thanks.
Oh, I can't. You've got to sign for it.
Ugh. Could you come back later? My wife will be in.
Oh, not really. I've got a round to do.
Besides, I think it's for you.
- Gareth Beckman? - Yes, yes, that's me.
Well, if you can't do it today, it'll have to go back to the sorting office,
and what with it being Friday, it'll be stuck there all weekend.
All right. Fine.
Your pen's not working. Have you got another one?
Oh, no. Sorry, love.
We usually have them digital ones where you use your finger,
but I dropped mine this morning
while I were unwrapping a Belvita and it broke.
Device, not the Belvita.
Wait there.
Don't come in!
Please.
Not a single bloody pen!
Ow.
Damn it!
Sorry, I couldn't just quickly use your loo, could I?
I literally just told you not to come in.
I'm busting. Dr Mikos says I've got to stay hydrated
cos of my condition, but I can't just nip behind a privet like a man does, can I?
Me friend Enid got me one of them Shewees
you know, where you funnel it,
but me aim was off.
- Ruined a good pair of Uggs, that did. - Yeah. I'm sorry, no.
I'm not going for a crafty poo if that's what you think.
All right! Look, it's through there. Just be quick.
Hello?
Ah, yes. Well, I wanted to point out to Dermot O'Leary
that a study conducted in 1993
by Scanlon, Luben, Scanlon and Singleton
concluded that the risk of hospital admission
actually goes up by as much as 52% on Friday the 13th,
so, you know, get your facts right and stop broadcasting
such irresponsible crap!
Yes, you're welcome. Goodbye.
Hello?
- What's wrong? - I can't get out!
What do you mean? Just unlock the door.
I can't! The handle's broke.
What have you done to it?
Nothing! It just came off in me hand.
Could you hurry up, please? I don't like confined spaces.
I need to get a screwdriver. Wait there.
I don't have much choice, do I?
No. Out.
- Hey, you, get out! - I can't!
Not you!
Hello...
Hello. What are you doing under there?
Hey?
Argh!
Shit!
Hello.
Come on!
Come on.
Here, come on, where are you?
Come on...
Hello!
OK...
Do you know...
a man came up to me the other day
and said, "Have you seen my cat?
"He's got black fur,
"patchy with mange.
"He's missing his right ear,
"he's blind in one eye,
"and only has three legs
"due to a recent traffic accident."
I said, "What's his name?"
And the man said...
"Lucky."
I'm not being funny, but I've got library books
that need taking back!
Dr Mikos said there's a danger of me having a fit.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Who are you?
Barry Styles, locksmith.
Apparently, you've trapped a lady in your downstairs toilet.
I didn't trap her. She went in of her own accord!
I don't need to know the details, sir.
I just need you to know it's an £80 call-out fee.
Get me out! I can't breathe!
I'm not paying that. I didn't call you.
I'll pay it! I'll pay anything. Just get me out!
I was about to get you out. I just need to get a screwdriver!
- Can you move this? - Yeah. Sorry about that.
I have to bring everything in from the van or it all gets nicked!
Kids today! I don't know!
Can you shift it, please? I can't get by.
One sec.
Hiya, love. Did you find it all right?
Yeah, I'm at number 9...
I'm getting a bit dizzy!
I'm coming! Just...
- This might set me fits off! - Hold on.
What's going on? I can hear banging!
Hello!
I've got tinnitus as well, you know!
Ever since I saw Whitesnake at the Albert Hall.
I told them the speakers were too loud!
I wrote them a letter,
but I didn't hear anything back.
Well, apart from my tinnitus.
I'm not paying if I need syringing again!
Oh, no.
Oh!
Oh, dear me, I'm sorry about that.
Are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine.
I just want both of you to leave as soon as possible.
I can't have people in the house today.
- Grandad! Grandad! - Hello, cherub!
Who's this, now?
This is me granddaughter, Bethany.
I've just gotta look after her for a couple of hours.
Me daughter-in-law's got band practice.
Thanks for doing this, Barry.
I won't be long.
I'll leave her bag with you.
Oh, hello!
Are you the fella that's locked a woman in his toilet?
- Yes, he is! - No, I'm not.
Well, Bethany will be no trouble.
It's just we've got a special gig today
and we need to work on My Ding-a-Ling.
Can I ask you to step outside, please?
One second. I've got to sort her lunch box.
- I can't have those in here! - Those what?
- Peacock feathers. - Are you allergic?
Yes, to the evil eye,
and you're covered in them and they're incredibly bad luck!
Don't say that. They're lovely.
Look, feel them.
Urgh, get them away from me! Get out! Get out, get out!
Hey, hey, come on, now. There's no need for that!
It's all right, Barry.
Now, you be a good girl for Grandad and Mummy will see you later.
Is there any chance I could nip to your upstairs loo?
- Definitely not. - Why?
Because we can't cross on the stairs.
Someone obviously got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.
- Don't say that. - I'll have to dust off my Shewee.
See you later, darling.
Come on, then, let's do a nice picture in the kitchen.
Yes, make yourself at home, why don't you?!
Have you got that screwdriver yet?
I'm getting it, I'm getting it!
I don't know if you want to hear this now,
but your flush is broken, by the way.
- Yes, of course it is! - What with that and the lock,
well, they say bad luck comes in threes.
What's number two?
Your flush is broken, by the way.
Unbelievable.
Thanking you, sir!
Right, let's establish what we're looking at here.
Excuse me, where are your...?
Oh, no!
You can't put shoes on the table!
It's all right. They're brand-new!
Well, that's even worse!
Stop! Stop!
It wards off evil spirits.
Argh!
Is everything OK, sir?
Please, just be quick.
Yes, hurry up!
Yeah, all right, madam. Can you not do that, please?
You're jiggling the mechanism and making my life even more difficult.
May I ask how the lady came to be inside the bathroom, sir?
She wanted a pee. What else would she be doing in there?
Well, you tell me.
I don't want any more nasty surprises.
Well, there might be one.
Especially now there's a child on the premises.
Yes, a child you brought here. I didn't ask for any of this!
Here we go!
Oh, finally!
Oh, my God!
Oh, thank you!
Deep breaths. You're all right.
Now, just for my own peace of mind,
you went in there of your own free will, yes?
The gentleman didn't force ya?
Cos I do know the words for a citizen's arrest.
- What? - Oh, the room's spinning.
I think I'm gonna be sick!
Yeah, the internal mechanism's buggered,
by the look of things. Heh.
It'll be £150 for a new tailpiece,
- plus labour, of course... - Of course.
I might've been able to salvage it,
but she's been hacking away at it
with this screw, by the look of things.
Where did you get...?
Oh, my God!
Help me!
Don't let it drop.
Can you... Can you put it back in?
- It'll cost ya. - Just do it!
I don't need any more bad luck today.
Imagine you're on a beach...
You're looking out at a wide open horizon.
You can feel the cool breeze on your face.
Can you feel it?
Yes.
There's not another soul for miles around...
the waves are lapping, the sun's shining...
Oh, have I got sunblock on? I burn easily.
Yeah, yeah, you do. You put it on earlier. Factor 20.
- Only 20? - Sorry, 50.
I've not got me glasses on.
Just think about how calm you are.
Not a care in the world.
Oh, it smells of coffee, this breeze.
It stinks.
Look, this is ridiculous! I'm sorry!
There's a toddler out there. God knows what she's getting up to!
Me daughter-in-law's on her way over, I told ya.
Bethany's a good girl. She won't get up to any mischief.
I should never have answered the door, today of all days.
I knew it as well! I knew it!
You don't believe in all that Friday the 13th stuff, do you?
Yes, of course I do! Look where I've ended up,
trapped in a toilet with you two.
But that's got nothing to do with the date.
It's just circumstance.
Oh, so says Mr Shoes On The Table!
- You're inviting bad luck. - From who, though?
The universe! I opened the door and, boom, utter chaos!
That's a very negative attitude, if you don't mind me saying.
Tell that to Jesus,
crucified on so-called Good Friday,
after the Last Supper where there were 13 guests.
I didn't know they had Fridays in them days.
Of course they did!
Chaucer talks about it in the Middle Ages!
"And on a Friday fell all his mischance."
The Knights Templar were tortured
by King Philip IV of France on Friday the 13th 1307.
Public hangings happened on a Friday.
And there were 13 steps up to the gallows.
And what about all them kids that got chopped up by a madman
at that lake in America? That was...
Friday the 13th.
Yeah. They made a film about it.
There's lots of good things happen on a Friday too, though.
The end of the working week, fish and chips...
I bought my big telly on Black Friday.
Mind you, it was half the bloody price a month later.
It's swings and roundabouts, in't it?
You've pepped up all of a sudden.
What happened to your claustrophobia?
It's being on this lovely beach.
Hmm. Just makes me feel so relaxed.
What time is it, by the way?
Er...
Ooh, I dunno. My watch has stopped.
- Oh, no... - 13 minutes past.
Right, that's it!
Dana, what...?
What are you doing here?
Is everything OK? Are you OK?
It's fine.
I'm fine.
Why didn't you let us out?
And who...? Who's this?
Dr Marcel Rogers.
Your wife asked me to prepare this treatment for you.
Treatment?
What do you mean?
I didn't know what else to do.
Allow me to introduce my friends, Sue and Johnny Robbins,
from the Little Marlow Amateur Dramatics Society.
At your service!
The magic of theatre.
And let's not forget our juve lead, Shelley.
Come on in. No need to be ashamed.
Such a pleasure working with you.
They kindly took time out of rehearsing Half A Sixpence
to be here today.
I do hope we gave you what you wanted.
The reviews are in and you were excellent, dear, as always.
Oh, you know I don't read reviews, darling!
Dana, what... what is all this?
I know it's extreme, but Dr Rogers said it was the only thing that would work.
Exposure therapy,
or exposure in vivo, as we call it,
putting you, Mr Beckman, in direct contact
with your greatest fears.
Your wife explained to me that your paraskevidekatriaphobia
was becoming unmanageable.
My what?
Paraskevidekatriaphobia.
It's a fear of Friday the 13th.
Puts me in mind of the Gilbert and Sullivan we did last year.
# I am the very model of a paraskevidekatriaphobiac! #
So... what, you've all just been tricking me?
To... To what end? To give me a stroke?
I appreciate that the experience
is very anxiety-inducing, Mr Beckman,
but you needed to stay in the situation long enough
for your irrational fear to subside.
For that, we needed to create
a fully realised worst-case scenario,
hence the arrival of your unwanted guests.
I just loved all that improv on the doorstep.
I mean, Belvita... where did that come from?
It was magnificent! So, so funny.
Oh, bless you.
But it was the teeth, I think, and the accent.
Funnily enough, we both just read them as Northern.
She was exactly the same in last year's Ayckbourn.
Well, maybe not exactly the same,
but thank you, darling.
And Johnny here went all Method, of course.
We had tools out all over the living room.
Mm, I read a very interesting article in the Mail about Cumberbatch
and I thought that was the way to go with Barry Styles.
But I shall miss him, that's for sure.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - Gareth!
Who is THIS?!
Where did you get her? Sylvia Young?
No, but she is on the waiting list.
My granddaughter,
who did a wonderful performance, I thought.
Absolutely. Bravo!
She will make a first-class Rosalind when she's older.
I'm sorry, but this is bullshit!
You're all talking like what I'm saying is irrational,
but it isn't! As I just explained in there!
That was a lovely scene, by the way.
It wasn't a scene. It was real!
I was explaining the real world history of this phenomenon.
What phenomenon?
Er, bad luck!
It's not luck, though, Gareth!
You avoid walking under a ladder
because something might fall on your head.
You won't put shoes on the table because you're gonna eat off it.
Actors don't like saying "Macbeth"
because there are sword fights in it and people get genuinely injured!
Oh, no, she mentioned the Scottish play!
Piss pots!
And you think I'M the one that needs fucking therapy?
That'll be our cue for the interval.
Shall we? Come on, Bethany.
There's some lovely cake waiting for you in the green room.
Perhaps you ought to tell me what's really going on here, Gareth.
What do you mean?
Your wife tells me there was an inciting incident.
Can you tell me about October 13th 1978?
I believe it was a Friday.
How could you?
I had to.
It's taking over our lives.
Every Friday the 13th,
three times a year, you are obsessed!
I'm not obsessed.
And it's not three times a year. It's twice this year,
twice next year and one time the year after that.
Why don't you tell me what happened?
You were on a school trip to France...
skiing in Le Corbier.
But on that Friday morning you had a stomach-ache
and you didn't want to go.
So you watched as all your classmates
got on that coach and drove away.
That was the last you saw of them.
The coach skidded on black ice.
And it came off the road.
All of them died.
Except you.
Survivor's guilt
and its association with that date
has blighted you ever since.
It's time for you to confront your fears, Gareth,
and put an end to it.
We want you to smash the mirror.
What? No.
Break it.
I can't.
Friday the 13th is just another day,
a day when something terrible happened in 1978
that wasn't your fault.
Seven years' bad luck.
Break the mirror, Gareth!
And set yourself free.
I'm sorry.
Well done.
- What now? - I don't know.
Oh, my God!
Hey, everybody!
Wow, this is quite the party we're gate-crashing.
Hello, but which one's Gareth?
There he is.
Hey, big guy!
Congratulations, big guy!
So, Gareth, you are our millionth caller
on the radio today, which means you have banked yourself
a whopping £130,000.
The big 1-3! There we go!
Hey, come on!
Woohoo! You are a lucky man.
Thank you.
Er... Is this really happening?
It most certainly is, my friend. Well done.
Can I just say, Dec,
if you and Ant want tickets to come and see Half A Sixpence,
I'm pretty sure I can arrange a couple of house seats for you.
You'd be most welcome to come and see if we've got the X factor!
Thank you so much. Just leave your details with my producer.
- I'd love to come. - I just love you both.
Thank you.
So, Gareth, what we'd love to do
is do a little interview with you, pre-recorded interview...
to play out on the radio tomorrow
before the big announcement. How does that sound?
I'd love to.
_
Oh, no.
I'm off now.
OK.
What's wrong?
I thought I'd fixed everything.
I thought I was cured, but...
it turns out it was all a dream.
What are you talking about, "dream"?
Aw, no, that's because it's Saturday, you idiot.
You just haven't turned it round yet. See?
Here.
So, Dermot O'Leary...
that all actually happened?
Yes!
Bloody Dermot bloody O'Leary in our front room.
I nearly died of shock.
You'd better come down. Your interview's gonna be on in a minute.
Mwah!
Right, so I'm meeting Paula for breakfast.
I'm gonna listen to you later.
Oh, you should open this.
What is it?
It's the package from yesterday. Open it.
One last test, just to be sure.
Well done, darling. Oh, I'm so proud of you!
I'll see you later. Oh, yeah.
- Enjoy your interview. - Yeah.
Coming up, I chat to our one millionth caller,
who, yesterday, won an incredible £130,000
on Friday the 13th!
We'll be hearing from him
and what it feels like to be so unbelievably lucky.
Speaking of which, here's Kylie.
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# I should be so lucky in love #
# I should be so lucky #
# Lucky, lucky, lucky #
# I should be so lucky in love #