- Joseph? - Jerry?
Why are you tied onto me?
My God, I was about to ask you the same thing.
What?
Hang on. I think I have a lighter in my pocket.
- Can you reach it? - Yeah.
No, not a pocket. Not a pocket!
Hang on. I got it, I got it, I got it.
Okay. You'll have to burn through the ropes.
Yeah. Have you ever used a lighter before?
Yes, twice.
Once in Boots, once in Center Parcs'.
Okay, cool.
So, the key thing is to avoid setting fire to my wrists.
Yeah, or myself.
Yeah, but my wrists really need to take priority.
I use them all the time.
Especially, the right.
- Okay, here we go. Ready? - Yeah.
Fucking tits.
In a good way or a bad way?
You whore!
Damn it.
What the...
I know what you're thinking.
This is the best TV show I've ever seen.
And who's that hunk?
But I need to back it up a bit.
My name is Special Agent Jerry Bernstein,
better known to my enemies and ex-wife as Jerry the Beast.
Can you grab my luggage, or do I need to do that too?
I landed at GCHQ and was greeted by a sun-kissed
man-child, who went on to become my best buddy.
Do you mind me asking, do you have dwarfism in your family?
And when I say my best buddy, I mean my assistant.
I think we should start with you.
- No. No. No. - Yeah. Yeah. Yes!
I was asked to come to the United Kingdom of Cheltenham
to kick some major ass in your lame National Security set up.
This is first rate intel, my guy is the best.
This is just taken from Wikipedia.
Right, you have that here?
It's been a blast.
But what's the next chapter?
Well, buckle up, baby. 'Cause the Beast is back.
www.subtitulamos.tv
Anyway, in other news,
I finally decided to publish my memoirs.
- Why? - Thank you.
Yeah. I can't say too much about it,
but I sold the rights for an undisclosed sum.
Wow. How much?
That's just it, they wouldn't say.
And are GCHQ comfortable with all that?
Who cares?
My story needs to be told.
So, it's a children's book.
No, the sex was pretty graphic.
So, what's it gonna be about?
Well, it's called "Beast," and it's a collection of anecdotes
about my time here.
So, some poems, the odd anatomical drawing.
Do you want to hear a little?
No.
8:00 a.m. jungle time.
It's been seven months since I was last kidnapped.
I haven't been to the toilet.
My only friend is a large egg-eating snake,
and my dick is on fire.
Sorry, so is-- is this a poem?
Yeah.
Yeah, that part is.
And this covers your time at the NSA as well?
Yeah, so far it covers everything
up to the point I was kidnapped.
Well, even though that was just a prank.
You order a pizza?
Surprise!
What the fuck?
Yes.
This is nice by the way.
Thank you.
- Mum left it to me in her will. - I thought she hated you.
No, I think that was just part of her personality.
Evelyn, I've been meaning to ask, who's the father?
I can't remember their names.
Yeah, baby.
- No, I'm just the surrogate. - Okay.
Right. Can we make a start? Tuva.
I'm still concerned about last week's data breach.
I don't understand how did they manage
to bypass GCHQ's firewall?
Yes, quite.
It's completely unprecedented
and really rather worrying.
Well, I've actually been road-testing
a new bit of code that simulates
what would happen in the event of a real life
cyber attack here at GCHQ.
If only you could've run it last week.
Well, it was that, that reminded me.
What were the results?
- So far it's not worked. - Right.
So, it hasn't worked as in it was successful?
I'll be completely honest.
It's actually very difficult to tell.
Not at least because I haven't been able
to navigate away from the Wagamama website.
As a result of the test.
Again, very difficult to tell.
I should know more in about...
a year.
Perfect. Well, the response from upstairs has been that
we shouldn't worry our pretty little heads about it.
Do they happen to say, which of us is prettiest?
- Mary. - Mary?
Mary, what's the latest on the G7 Climate Summit?
There's a few raised alerts, the usual bits of chatter on the key activism sites,
plus someone glued themselves to Simon Cal.
Fine. Evelyn.
I mean, no, not that I'm aware of.
No. Do you have anything to add?
There was something I was supposed to tell you,
but I can't remember what it was.
Fantastic.
Yeah. Rupert said he might come in.
Yeah, sorry for the interruption.
Just want to make you aware that there's
a nuclear missile coming straight for us.
No, no! No!
Everyone, on top of me.
Come on, get on, here!
It's a metaphor.
Yeah, I know. So was that. Okay.
Joseph, write that down, okay?
That's go on right into "Beast," metaphors.
Okay.
As we're all aware, there's a G7 Summit this week,
and our very own Energy Minister Joanna Telfer Fotheringham
plans to announce her climate bill there.
But... we have a problem.
She lost it?
It's a little bit more serious than that, I'm afraid.
She's eaten it.
I've just taken a call
from a journalist from "The Guardian,"
who have somehow got wind of the data breach here at GCHQ.
But I've already raised the breach with Whitehall
and told them to go public.
Not least, because the stolen satellite data
proves beyond doubt that the
minister's new bill has catastrophic
implications for the planet.
Well, without that data,
she kind of has the freedom to do what she likes.
Plus, the PM feels that you might be a little
too close to the subject to be impartial.
Well, perhaps the PM needs reminding
that as head of this department, I have managed
to remain impartial through three referenda,
two monarchs, and nine Prime Ministers.
That can't be right. Sorry.
But on this particular matter...
It's hardly in Whitehall's interest, is it?
To publish the real data,
not with so many party donors coming from Big Energy.
- What if... - No.
What if the stolen data resurfaces?
Now, were just confirmed to those like
Fotheringham who were keen to see GCHQ privatized.
That we are no longer the bastion of
digital security that we claim to be.
Very clever, Joanna, and it's a win-win.
- Jesus Christ. - Jesus Christ.
Did you just learn about my memoirs?
- Chris, I didn't... - It's fine.
No.
I'll take it from here.
I'll draft a statement.
Okay.
What I'm about to say doesn't leave these four walls.
Hang on.
Sorry, I just get a little paranoid.
The folks are listening in.
- Always carry a spare. - Give me that.
Please, Jerry.
As many of you know, I have been at GCHQ
for the best part of 35 years.
Sorry. That's just exactly how long
I have left on my mortgage, so I just...
And whilst I would happily
continue serving King and Country
ad infinitum, certain members of this government
have decided that a more modern approach is required to tackle
the ever increasing threat to our nation's cybersecurity.
Are we finally getting an Xbox?
I'm being fired.
Chris!
I've got till the end of the week.
Do you want me to kill someone?
If only.
Does this mean you're gonna be home all the time?
You can always move in with Auntie Joe.
So, could you.
Chris, I just want you to know on behalf of everyone here
at CySec, and I say this with
absolutely no agenda, whatsoever.
Who are they eyeing up as your replacement?
Nice try, Jerry.
But mine isn't the only position that's become untenable.
This is just the government's first step
in shutting down CySec altogether
and replacing us with AI.
- AI? - Robots.
- Robots? - Robots.
No, no!
Even though I acknowledge that I would be one
of the first to go on paper, at least I do feel
like a robot would struggle to mimic exactly
how many things I get wrong on a daily basis.
It's actually very nuanced.
Well, then, I'm sure you'll be fine.
Would you like me to type any of that up?
- No. - No.
Look, Joanna.
You see, what we all need to remember
about these record temperatures is that
they are nature's way of telling us
that we are doing a really great job.
Makes sense.
Yes, but of course, you must always look to the future,
and that means investment in technology
all across the board.
And this government is committed
to an increasingly AI driven approach.
Whether that be the harnessing of nuclear energy,
right the way through to keeping us safe from cyber attacks.
I mean, gone are the days of dowdy little snowflakes
in a pillbox trying to do the right thing.
God, that is so harsh on you guys.
But there must be some jobs, humans do...
So, am I texting Joanna to say I'm moving in or not?
Okay, fine, yes.
She's also my little sister.
- Any questions? - Yeah.
What's she doing Friday? 'Cause damn!
Funny, in our 20's
people used to say we looked identical.
The only way you could tell us apart
was that one of us didn't like bananas.
Well, yeah, I can imagine that.
Well, what do you mean?
Gradually, we drifted apart.
I chose loyalty to my country,
she chose to marry into the Fotheringham-Telfer estate
and enter the Gordy glamor of British politics.
Mom hates her because she gave granny shingles,
and once got me a Bacardi Breezer for my birthday.
- Which flavor? - You were five!
Wait a minute, so this whole thing, the data hack,
the trying to shut down the department
is all a vendetta against you?
And which of you doesn't like bananas?
No, it's just a cold-blooded grab
for as much money, attention, and power as she can get.
Destroying me is just a fun little side project.
Do we still have access to the original carbon emission data?
We are talking about the biggest
breach in GCHQ's history.
It'll likely take a specialist team weeks.
- Okay, got it. - That is so hot.
Wow, so whoever stole the files
left a digital fingerprint.
Can it be traced?
Yes, the breach was initiated by a Trojan AI.
Whose major shareholder is...
- Joanna. - Joanna.
- Okay.
What if we blew the whistle?
I've always wanted to blow the whistle. Is it a real whistle?
'Cause I imagine it's like gold with a leather chain.
What? And break the Official Secrets Act?
No, thanks!
Joanna knows damn well I would never betray
the government, even one as crooked as hers.
I actually saw a film where someone at GCHQ did that.
What happened?
Well, one of them got their head chopped off,
but the other got to meet Colin Firth.
What if we took the original data directly
to the Summit and switched it in somehow?
- Out of the question. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What if we took the original data directly
to the summit and switched it in somehow?
What?
The G7 Summit isn't a place
you can just walk into without proper clearance.
Yeah, but what if we were two of the attending scientists?
What, are you thinking that...
What, are you really expecting me to sanction
an operation whereby you and him
poses internationally recognized climate scientists
in order to bring down His Majesty's government,
save GCHQ, and the planet
and the reputation of this department?
Sorry, I can't tell if you're joking or not.
Come on, Chrissy.
Are you really gonna let your sister
leave your legacy in tatters?
Look, we can do this. Okay?
We are a formidable,
diverse, and deeply talented team.
Look, I know we've had our disagreements
in the past, and I can't honestly say how many times
I wanted to trip you as you walked by
or stop the revolving door right before you exit.
But if we can get the real data in front of these nerds,
there's a chance here we can literally save the world.
So, what do you say?
Fuck it. What have we got to lose?
Fuck, yeah!
USA. USA.
But by God, Jerry, if this plane goes down,
you are coming with me.
You have my word.
Don't write that down.
I can't believe I'm finally getting promoted.
I know. What do you mean?
Well, when the board sees how amazing I am
out in the field, they'll beg me to take over for Chris.
Plus, all this is great material for "Beast."
So, do I pop up in "Beast" at all?
Are you kidding me? You're right there on the first page.
Note to self, mention Joseph somewhere in "Beast."
So, I know this isn't probably
the best timing, but, I just
wanted to let you know first
I'm thinking of proposing to Charlotte.
Well, I just wanted you to know from experience that,
long distance relationships rarely work out.
Well, I'd move to Cornwall.
No, I was talking about us.
So, I guess one way or another,
this could be our last mission together.
Yeah.
It's a shame, 'cause when I take over,
I have huge plans for this place,
starting with the rooftop pool.
I can always visit. Especially, if there's a wave machine.
Listen, you know, you should only propose
if you're absolutely certain you're gonna get a yes.
Do you think I should find out first?
- A hundred percent. - By asking her?
Yeah, ask her twice.
Worst case scenario, you get two no's,
but at least you'll know for sure.
God, maybe you could ask her.
To marry me? No, she'll say, yes.
No, I just meant on my behalf.
I still worry that might confuse her
from an emotional point of view.
Especially, if I ask her twice.
So, this is the electromagnetic pulse device,
which you'll use to bypass security at the G7.
Never dial it up to anything more than eight.
And try not to point at your groin.
- Why not? - Hey.
So, Jesus. Jesus, did someone die in here?
Yes.
Okay. Look, we don't have much time, but Mary said
you might be able to help with some disguises.
Yes. So, what look are you going for?
Well, we just need to pass as these two.
And which way around were you thinking?
Okay, so I think the key change here is hair, okay?
Plus, is it possible to do something about Joseph's nose?
What do you mean?
Well, I'm just worried about its bulk giving us away.
- Like in Pinocchio? - Kind of.
Let me see what I've got.
No, that's... No, that's wrong.
Okay, don't worry about the style for now.
I just want to check the fit.
I don't see how this helps. I'm trying to pass for... this guy.
Maybe you could say you're wearing it
like that 'cause it's a special occasion.
You know, what about his nose?
- I don't think it'll fit. - The wig?
You could always hang it off the tip.
- I think it's too big. - The wig or my nose?
Okay. You know what? We'll figure it out ourselves. Okay?
People change their hair all the time,
plus the G7 only meets once a year.
A lot can change in a year.
Exactly. Which is why I thought...
Okay, we got to get out to here.
Okay, bye.
Okay, be honest. What do you think?
It's Jerry and Joseph, by the way. Jerry. Joseph.
It'll have do. Mary.
So security clearance this year is being handled by AXS.
It's an app based system that mixes encryption
with QR technology.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down a sec. What do you mean by app?
Don't worry. Just let security scan the code
and then we will handle the rest from in here.
What about when the real scientists show up?
I'm tracking their car.
You have about 15 minutes before they arrive.
It's all the time we have, so we need to get in and out.
Here are your comms.
But just make sure that the earpieces
are set to one of the lower channels.
Why?
Because we're going to be triggering
an electromagnetic pulse.
What? Wait, what? Is that safe?
Yes, yes. Although, me and Quentin
just used once to start a fire.
It's fine, it just sends out
a small signal that jams the feed.
Which then allows us to bypass security.
It once bypassed mum's pacemaker.
Is that how she died?
No, she just ate too many acorns.
Once inside, Evelyn will be there, posing as a waitress.
She's worked there before, so she knows the layout.
She will be able to show you where the press are being held.
Once you're there, all you need to do is locate
the laptop which is feeding them the official updates.
Okay. What...?
It's likely to be small and black.
Maybe you should remember that.
This USB drive is coded to automatically
upload and present the real data.
Just put it into any available USB port.
Okay, USB port.
Yeah, just remember United States, and B for boobs.
And with any luck, once everyone sees
the real data, the science community
and the Great British press will look after the rest.
What you going to do if a real scientist
comes up to you and asks you a question?
Answer it.
I'm just gonna say lockdown drove me completely mad.
- Alright, let's do this. - Okay.
Come on, get in here. Come on, get in there.
One, two...
Do I go underneath?
No, you go on top. Okay, let's go.
So, the trick is to get the oil piping hot first.
Yeah, I know you said, and then you add the batter.
Exactly, then you add the batter,
otherwise they just won't rise.
Sorry, sir. Can I see your QR codes?
There you go.
I have to scan it.
Alright, here we go.
There it is, right there.
Do it again.
- Do it again. - Do you wanna do mine?
No, no.
Is there-- is there a problem?
Excuse me, sir, would you mind? Yes, there is a problem.
Your QR code isn't being recognized.
Do either of you chaps have ID?
ID of ourselves?
No, ID of Ian, who'd you think?
- Who's Ian? - I'm Ian, this is Chris.
Chris Dibbs, MasterChef quarter-finalist, 2013.
Dude, congrats.
- Thank you very much. - Really.
Ask them to scan it again.
Sorry, I didn't mean to say that out loud.
I was just talking to Jerry.
- Miguel. - Miguel.
Miguel. Miguel.
Sorry, I just have these sort of mini strokes, don't I? Yeah.
I don't know why it's not working.
Try increasing the signal strength.
Lower the frequency in your earpiece.
Lower the frequency.
Excuse me, sir, you alright?
Yeah, I just said how.
- Why? - No, how.
Has that worked?
To a degree, yes.
Okay. Now it's saying that your code's
actually already been scanned.
Well, yeah, 'cause it has just now, MasterChef.
So have you been to one of these before?
The G7 Summit?
Yeah, we-- we've been to the mall.
Yeah, I mean, the G1 was nuts, wasn't it?
- We were the only ones there. - Please be quiet.
- Yeah. - So sorry this is happening.
Please, please try for the very last time.
Yeah! I'm so excited!
- The summit. - Yeah.
Okay, sir. Well, you are good to go.
- Yep. Let's go. - Good.
Yep. Good.
Is he going to be okay?
Okay, we're in. Is Evelyn already inside?
No, I think I might be in labor.
- What? - Jesus.
Well, you're gonna have to hold that in, okay?
Joseph. Joseph!
Chris, we're gonna have to buy some time here.
Well, whatever you do, don't speak to anyone.
Hello, I'm Dr. Chom.
Herbert Chom...
Hello.
Hi.
Hi, Dr. Chom.
Hi.
We've not met, but I'm a big fan of your work.
Thank you. Thank you so much. Okay.
It-- it's great to see you looking so well.
I heard that you had a tracheotomy.
Er, no. No.
No, I don't think so. Where did you hear that?
Didn't you make a documentary about it?
Yes, yes. Yes, that one.
Yes. Well, there are good days
and bad days. You know how it is.
Real bad.
No, this was a while ago, I've grown my hair out since then.
No, this was back in...
Oklahoma in '95.
- Right. The bombing? - No, the musical.
Congratulations as well.
Christ, what now? Yup.
Anna said that you just got married.
Yes.
It's sublime.
She works in climate science as well, yes?
- Who? Anna? - No, your wife.
I wonder if we've ever crossed paths or...
No, no, 'cause she passed away.
Stop speaking!
I'm sorry. When you said you were married, I assumed--
When we were married, she was still alive.
Miguel Stallone and Herbert Chom are about to arrive.
You need to wrap this up!
By the way, your paper
on isostatic readjustment and how
it affects climate change models, really interesting.
Thank you. I agree. Yeah.
It's one of my all time favorites.
Which model did you use?
She was just this hottie I met in Vegas.
Listen, I-- I really gotta get going.
It was so great to see you again.
- We've never met. - No.
That's what I thought. Thank you.
Joanna is five minutes away.
Evelyn, what's the latest?
Er, false alarm. I think it was just Braxton Hicks.
I know him.
Do you mind me asking how she died?
- Who? - Your wife.
Yeah, no, God, no. That's fine.
Crickey! What was it?
I can never remember the name of the condition.
You can't remember how she died?
It was a crocodile.
Yeah, that's it. She got snapped up by a crocodile.
Yeah, it was pretty quick.
I take a lot of comfort in that.
Okay, we gotta go.
Can I have a drink, please?
- I'm pregnant. - Sorry.
- My God. - Take in a sip.
Joanna is about to arrive, hurry up!
Okay, let's finish this.
- You have the USB? What? - Yes and no.
I just didn't want anyone to find it
in case I got strip searched.
What do you mean?
I need to pop to the toilet first.
What? Jesus Christ! Evelyn!
What now?
Joseph swallowed the data stick.
- On purpose? - Mother of God!
Come on, Joseph, push!
Imagine you're Evelyn.
Well, I'm having a caesarian, so...
Fine.
I'm trying as hard as I can.
It's just... Nothing's coming out.
Remember what's at stake here!
I know! The future of the planet.
Mom's job.
Exactly. My promotion.
I just think I need something more to eat.
What? Here. Give me that.
- Okay, I got chips. - What flavor?
Pickled onions.
No, they give me the runs.
No, no, that's perfect. Here.
Just catch them in your mouth.
No!
Thirty-five years of continuous service
and it all culminates in me
waiting for a man to shit out a USB stick.
Thank you.
Just to let you know, Joanna is getting out of the car.
UK energy minister, Joanna Telfer Fotheringham
has just arrived at the G7
where she is due to deliver a landmark address
revealing groundbreaking new climate research.
We are running out of time.
I swear to God, Joseph, if you don't hurry up
I'm going to come in there and shit it out myself!
It's too late.
If the real data isn't released to the press before
the end of her speech, we as well not have bothered.
Joanna has entered the building.
Tuva, Mary,
initiate Operation Scotch Egg.
You got it?
- Yes. - No!
It's fine, I wiped it. Sorry for the delay.
I was checking I got everything.
There were a couple of big marbles in there as well.
- Let's go. - Yeah.
Be cool.
Hi.
Shit.
Hurry up, Joseph.
Excuse me, sir.
Christine, you gotta get us out of here.
Behind you.
Oi, listen, we need to check your ID's again.
Joseph, have you got the memory stick?
Yes, just don't lick it.
No, no, hide it, hide it. Hide it.
- No, no... - You have to.
- What are you doing? - Get it, get it, get it.
Okay, okay, this, come here, come here.
This right here is a hostage situation.
I've got a pregnant waitress, a goblin
and-- and three understudies
from the musical "Annie," all on crack.
Everyone do what I say!
Thank you, Jerry, that won't be necessary.
- So, no? Okay, fine. - No.
Chris Clark.
Head of CySec at GCHQ.
Though not for long I hear.
Come on, sis, why the long face?
Did someone shrink you Forever Friends nightie?
At least I wore a nightie.
Yes. I was rather surprised you noticed
with all those math's book shoved up your arse.
Well, if that meant I could tell the time.
No one needs to tell the time anymore.
- The world's moved on. - Joanna.
How lovely it is to see you again.
I don't believe we've spoken since...
Mummy's funeral.
Yes, of course, how could I forget?
I did the catering, you did a photo shoot.
Well, it's what mummy would've wanted.
Of course. You were always her favorite.
Yes. It's a shame she isn't around now
to see me launch this climate bill right up her street.
In 50 years, her street and half of Cheltenham
will be under water as well, you know!
Always with the sea-level rise!
Change the record, Chrissy!
Which I see is exactly what you're attempting to do.
- Snap. - Well, boo-fucking-hoo!
Have a nachos and lemonade. Come on, lighten up.
I like those.
I mean, if you can't cope with sea-level rise,
go live on a yacht. God knows I do.
Okay, you know, enough of this!
Which of you two doesn't like bananas?
Which do you think?
Please take your seats in the main hall.
Today's summit is about to begin.
Now, as much as I'd like to hang around,
some of us have got a bright and sparkling future to attend to.
Kindly see these retrograde geeks off the premises.
We'll do Christmas this year by the way.
Evelyn. I got your text. You can come and stay anytime.
No thanks.
No, she doesn't have Sky.
Alright, come on. You heard the lady.
You, of all people, know how to play by the rules.
- I'm sorry to inform you that I ain't no lady. - She's not.
And I've given up on playing by the rules.
Here is where my training kicks in.
"Beast," chapter seven, "Monkey See, Monkey Do."
Tiger claw!
Why are you all still standing there?
Please welcome to the podium
Joanna Telfer Fotheringham.
Don't worry, it's not Covid.
Anyone here actually die of Covid?
No. Didn't think so.
Well, obviously, that is a joke.
'Cause you can bet your life, it'll end up
as the headline in "The Guardian."
Right. Now, brr, where are we?
Here we go. The future of the planet.
Do you know what the temperature
on Venus is right now?
475 degrees centigrade.
That is almost as hot as me.
One for "The Sun" there.
Mary.
Excuse me, what are you doing?
No!
Bollocks.
Meanwhile, you've got Venus looking down
on Earth and thinking
what are they complaining about?
Tough crowd, isn't it?
Did I do good?
You did great.
- Get into the room? - Yes.
Okay, get up.
And here we are
on this sexy little planet
moaning because
it's gone a little balmy.
Well, thankfully I've got some
very good news for you all.
Everything is going to be fine.
Take it away! First slide, please.
Get a load of those stats.
Told you it was gonna be okay.
You can take doomsday out of your diaries.
Want some more proof?
Next slide, please.
Always carry a spare.
What's going on? Who's doing that?
Hang on.
Is Greta in?
I thought she'd gone to see Father Christmas.
Next slide.
Well, that is just...
Those are expenses.
Legitimate expenses.
No, no. That is fake news.
They would never sack me.
Fake news.
No!
This is bollocks!
No, that's just... It's not even...
It's a lie.
Yes, alright, I shot a lion.
You know why? Because it was showing off.
And I'll tell you something.
I swear to God,
if this plane is going down, I am taking
all of you with me. Yes.
Someone is going to pay for this
because, you know, I have contact.
I know Lizzo!
I know what this is. I know what this is.
This is a left-wing conspiracy.
Do you know there are so many snowflakes in this room?
I could ski home!
If this plane is going down, I am taking all of you with me.
Bye-bye, crazy lady.
I haven't seen this much coverage since I dated a nun.
You dated a nun?
Yeah, it's all covered in the pop-up section of "Beast."
That's nearly finished, by the way.
- It's actually getting very big. - Good.
So, what are we going to do to celebrate?
Ooh! I was thinking paintball
at my local crematorium.
Yeah, there's tons of little nooks and crannies
to hide, plus, the heating is completely free.
Have you thought of any baby names?
- I really don't care. - Yeah.
No, you couldn't come anyway.
So, Evelyn, was this surrogacy planned?
What do you mean? I'm just doing it for maternity leave.
So, do you still get maternity leave?
Even though you're the surrogate?
No. Of course not.
My God, are you kidding me? Fuck's sake.
Well, Chris, it looks like I finally rubbed off on you.
Yes, quite. In the end, I do believe you did.
And was Rupert impressed?
Not just Rupert. It seems the whole board were
quite taken aback by CySec's more maverick approach.
Well, what can I say?
I accept.
So much so, they've asked me to stay on indefinitely.
Listen, guys... What the fuck?
Wha... And you said yes?
Of course I said yes.
Do you expect me to stand back and watch
this department get taken over by AI?
- AI? - Robots.
- Robots? - Robots.
No! No! Not again.
So, what? Everyone has to stay here and do their old jobs?
Not quite everyone. There was one casualty, I'm afraid.
Joseph.
Good job I signed off on your transfer request in time.
That...
Yeah, sorry, just to let you know..
I don't know if this will be good news or bad news, but
I've decided to join the sex-trafficking team
at GCHQ Bude.
Well, certainly good news for the traffickers.
Thank you.
You know what we... Hi.
You know, what we have is actually very rare?
I know, we used to be married.
Yes, but forgetting that.
- Yeah. - What I mean is...
Well, imagine someone plucked you from your hometown, right?
And dumped you in this wasteland.
- Like in "E.T." - Exactly.
Exactly. When I got here I was like E.T.
I'm millions of miles away from home.
And then I find this lost little boy
looking for a friend.
- Which is me? - Right.
And what happens at the end, buddy?
Does the alien cry like a little pussy?
When he and the boy finally part?
- Not that I remember, no. - No.
No, the little boy cries.
Because he realizes deep down
that the alien is better off alone
in the cold black void of space.
- Cheltenham. - Correct.
But what if the lost little boy asked
the alien to come and join the
sex-trafficking team with him at Bude?
I suspect he'd be touched.
But would never take the pay-cut.
She said yes, by the way.
Twice.
Well, there you go.
- I'm happy for you, buddy. - Thank you.
Now your only concern is surviving your stag do!
God, I dread to think what you have planned.
Little did we know Joanna had other plans for us.
Which brings us back to where we started.
Do you think we're still in Cheltenham?
I don't know. How much of it is desert?
Where is everyone else?
Who would do this to us?
No, no, no, no, this is no good.
Bitch!
Do you think it's the same Joanna?
What is that? Low fuel?
Shit!
Shit. Okay. There's gotta be a parachute somewhere on this thing.
What do they look like?
It's kinda like a backpack, but with,
like, toggles on the side, okay.
Any luck?
No, there is just stuff in all of these.
No, no, no, wait! Stop, stop!
What... What are you doing?
It's fine, look.
This, this one hasn't popped.
Is that the only one left?
No-- no. I couldn't possibly...
N-- no, no, you take it.
- Really? - No. Wait a minute.
Let's just...
Yeah, let's think logically about this, right.
Let's not be blinded by emotion.
So, if I die and you survive, what's the benefit of that?
As opposed to say
you dying and me surviving.
God. Well, at least I get to marry Shauna.
Yep, true.
But I think you're gonna want me to be there for that.
Right? And, plus, who's gonna do your hair?
That's true.
I guess I'm a little bit younger.
But it's not like as if you're so young
that you've got your whole life ahead of you.
Do you know what I mean? Especially if you die on this flight.
Yeah.
God.
- We should toss a coin. - I think we should...
Sorry? That's what I...
No, we should toss a coin.
That's-- that's the only way.
Okay, okay, so...
So what are we saying here? Heads I get the chute?
Yeah, best of three.
- Okay, here we go. You ready? - Yeah.
Yes! Yes! Come on! Whoo!
Which side did it land?
Sorry, that was, that was heads.
- Sorry about... - Yeah.
Okay. Round two, here we go.
Come on, you got this!
Shit! I hate this fucking shit!
- Heads again? - Wha... No.
Okay. This is a deciding vote, okay?
- You good? Okay. - Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
Wait. I wasn't ready.
- You good? - Yeah, I'm good. Wha...
Right, take it.
Maybe you should keep it for good luck.
- The chute? - No, the Queen.
The...
Do you want me to knock you out before I go? Just to take the edge off.
We're running out of time. Okay?
If you're gonna jump, you gotta do it now.
But what will you do?
In those final moments when I've been
totally abandoned by my best buddy,
I don't know, probably sing something.
From "Frozen."
Yeah, probably something from "Frozen."
Joseph...
I'm really not sure about the whole coin toss thing.
But I gotta go.
- What are you doing? - I'm staying.
Yo... You're staying?
- What about the chute? - I popped it.
- You, you popped it? - Yeah, I popped it.
You know, you really should've checked with me first.
- Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. - Okay.
What do you think? Too far fetched?
Yeah. I think you'd have chosen to sing something from "Moana."
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