1
00:00:02,702 --> 00:00:05,067
If you were a dog,
what breed would you be?

2
00:00:05,092 --> 00:00:06,832
You know those hypoallergenic ones,

3
00:00:06,833 --> 00:00:07,898
uh, what are they?

4
00:00:07,923 --> 00:00:10,012
Oh, the ones that don't answer
stupid questions.

5
00:00:10,037 --> 00:00:11,647
Truck 12. Please respond.

6
00:00:11,672 --> 00:00:14,588
Cougar observed at residence.
425 Knoll Drive.

7
00:00:14,613 --> 00:00:16,049
Homeowner is out of town.

8
00:00:16,074 --> 00:00:17,859
Truck 12 responding.

9
00:00:17,884 --> 00:00:19,581
There's been a lot of sightings lately.

10
00:00:19,606 --> 00:00:22,109
A security camera at a dry cleaner's
got some great footage.

11
00:00:22,134 --> 00:00:24,876
It's a beautiful animal. C-38. Majestic.

12
00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:27,251
Poor guy's probably just hungry,
you know?

13
00:00:27,276 --> 00:00:29,570
This isn't some cute little kitty.
You know that right?

14
00:00:29,595 --> 00:00:32,808
Last year in Spokane another
cougar attacked an officer,

15
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:34,835
broke through his ribcage,
and ate his lungs.

16
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:38,359
Oh, my God. Did he survive?

17
00:00:38,384 --> 00:00:41,170
Without lungs? Yup. Yeah.

18
00:00:41,243 --> 00:00:43,158
Finished third at the New York Marathon.

19
00:00:43,392 --> 00:00:44,393
Thank God.

20
00:00:44,418 --> 00:00:45,985
You know, I love stories like that.

21
00:00:46,010 --> 00:00:49,013
Triumph of the human spirit.
You can't keep us down, Frank.

22
00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:52,052
He died, Shred.

23
00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:02,062
Oh, my God.

24
00:01:02,087 --> 00:01:03,175
What?

25
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,750
On the stairs. Right in the bushes.
You see that?

26
00:01:05,775 --> 00:01:07,835
The hydrangeas or the azaleas?

27
00:01:07,860 --> 00:01:09,731
I don't know. The pink ones.

28
00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:10,896
Azaleas.

29
00:01:12,422 --> 00:01:13,640
Oh my God.

30
00:01:13,665 --> 00:01:14,788
Hand me the tranq gun.

31
00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:18,165
If he comes for us, we're
supposed to make ourselves look big.

32
00:01:18,166 --> 00:01:19,905
Shh. Yeah. That's the official line.

33
00:01:19,906 --> 00:01:21,726
But here's the real deal.

34
00:01:21,751 --> 00:01:24,145
Cup your junk and hide behind something.

35
00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:26,650
Make your whole package
as inaccessible as possible.

36
00:01:26,675 --> 00:01:28,585
But Frank, I... I heard
they go for your neck.

37
00:01:28,610 --> 00:01:31,062
Yeah, they do.
But it's not about staying alive,

38
00:01:31,087 --> 00:01:33,785
it's about life being
worth living if you survive.

39
00:01:37,828 --> 00:01:38,960
Be careful.

40
00:01:40,439 --> 00:01:42,328
I think I got a clean shot.

41
00:01:46,663 --> 00:01:48,534
- Unbelievable.
- What?

42
00:01:48,535 --> 00:01:50,493
What are you...

43
00:01:50,494 --> 00:01:53,409
Frank? Frank? Frank? Are you crazy?

44
00:01:53,410 --> 00:01:54,627
Cover up your junk.

45
00:01:54,628 --> 00:01:55,933
It's a stuffed animal.

46
00:01:55,934 --> 00:01:57,381
You don't know that.
It might just be asleep.

47
00:01:57,406 --> 00:02:00,416
Yeah. Well, when it wakes up
I'd speak to it in Vietnamese

48
00:02:00,417 --> 00:02:03,054
since it's probably where it was made.

49
00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:04,209
They do great work.

50
00:02:04,234 --> 00:02:05,638
Whoo! Okay.

51
00:02:05,639 --> 00:02:07,466
Yeah, I'll make the call to dispatch.

52
00:02:07,467 --> 00:02:09,251
Let 'em know it's a false alarm.

53
00:02:09,252 --> 00:02:10,468
- Wait.
- What?

54
00:02:10,493 --> 00:02:13,186
You know what Churchill said.
Never let a crisis go to waste.

55
00:02:13,211 --> 00:02:14,430
Totally.

56
00:02:14,431 --> 00:02:16,911
Quick refresher... uh, who is Churchill?

57
00:02:16,912 --> 00:02:18,303
Relief pitcher for the Mariners.

58
00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:20,175
I hear that dude's having
a great season.

59
00:02:20,176 --> 00:02:22,351
Look... we both know
this cougar isn't real.

60
00:02:22,352 --> 00:02:23,359
Right.

61
00:02:23,384 --> 00:02:24,850
But nobody else does.

62
00:02:24,875 --> 00:02:28,574
So, we have an opportunity to
humiliate a deserving individual

63
00:02:28,599 --> 00:02:30,859
and it would be wrong to pass that up.

64
00:02:31,447 --> 00:02:32,718
Right?

65
00:02:33,449 --> 00:02:34,580
Gentlemen.

66
00:02:35,016 --> 00:02:37,148
Templeton... thank God you're here.

67
00:02:37,149 --> 00:02:39,281
You're lucky I'm working
graveyard this week.

68
00:02:39,282 --> 00:02:40,673
Bring me up to speed.

69
00:02:40,674 --> 00:02:41,805
Come here.

70
00:02:44,012 --> 00:02:45,274
The predator is in those bushes.

71
00:02:45,548 --> 00:02:46,897
See? Now we've shot him full of tranqs

72
00:02:46,898 --> 00:02:49,204
but that is one amped-up cat.

73
00:02:49,205 --> 00:02:50,466
Copy.

74
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:54,165
It takes a big man to admit
when he's in over his head.

75
00:02:56,124 --> 00:02:58,796
So... he's already killed
a couple of dogs.

76
00:02:58,821 --> 00:03:01,132
But the real concern is the
elementary school down the street.

77
00:03:01,157 --> 00:03:02,613
Yeah. Breaks my heart

78
00:03:02,638 --> 00:03:04,640
but, I think, we might have
to euthanize.

79
00:03:06,917 --> 00:03:08,353
Stand back, boys.

80
00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:10,312
This is a job for Mister Remington.

81
00:03:11,226 --> 00:03:12,227
Okay.

82
00:03:14,707 --> 00:03:15,883
Bye-bye kitty-cat.

83
00:03:19,930 --> 00:03:22,237
On my orders... fire.

84
00:03:22,238 --> 00:03:24,326
You're gonna order yourself
to fire, sir?

85
00:03:24,327 --> 00:03:25,936
Stop questioning my authority.

86
00:03:25,937 --> 00:03:27,130
Execute!

87
00:03:31,507 --> 00:03:32,508
What?

88
00:03:32,509 --> 00:03:34,031
That was so good.

89
00:03:34,032 --> 00:03:36,599
That went so much better
than anyone could've hoped for.

90
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:37,643
Oh, my goodness.

91
00:04:00,772 --> 00:04:04,772
- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.addic7ed.com -

92
00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:10,459
'Kay. People are still not conforming

93
00:04:10,546 --> 00:04:12,548
to recycling protocols.

94
00:04:12,549 --> 00:04:17,483
And once again, a half-eaten
hamburger is not recyclable... Frank.

95
00:04:20,643 --> 00:04:21,774
Thank you, Dolores.

96
00:04:21,775 --> 00:04:24,690
Uh, Dolores... is this recyclable?

97
00:04:24,691 --> 00:04:25,778
Of course.

98
00:04:25,779 --> 00:04:26,866
Oh, terrific.

99
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,259
Yeah. You've done that joke before.

100
00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:32,133
Well, when you see Elton John
you want him to play Rocket Man.

101
00:04:32,220 --> 00:04:34,831
Uh, Frank? Shred?
Did anything happen recently

102
00:04:34,832 --> 00:04:37,007
that maybe I should be brought
up to speed on?

103
00:04:37,008 --> 00:04:38,313
Which category?

104
00:04:38,314 --> 00:04:40,663
Routine checks or events
that were hilarious

105
00:04:40,664 --> 00:04:42,882
and humbled a person
who richly deserved it?

106
00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:46,234
Templeton filed a formal
complaint so now HR is involved.

107
00:04:46,235 --> 00:04:49,802
Oh no... not the department you
want as the arbiter of humor.

108
00:04:49,803 --> 00:04:51,587
You know who's sneaky funny?

109
00:04:51,588 --> 00:04:52,959
Payroll.

110
00:04:52,984 --> 00:04:55,435
Look, Emily, we're really sorry
you got dragged into this.

111
00:04:55,460 --> 00:04:58,072
This is one of those rare
occasions where our joy

112
00:04:58,073 --> 00:05:00,117
is worth the suffering it causes others.

113
00:05:00,118 --> 00:05:02,598
Well, I'm gonna be on the phone
for the next five hours

114
00:05:02,599 --> 00:05:05,514
getting you guys out of trouble.
So, I'm not demanding it,

115
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:07,447
but a large smoothie from the
place that I like on the corner

116
00:05:07,472 --> 00:05:09,039
would be a really thoughtful surprise.

117
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,519
Oh... absolutely Emily.

118
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,956
In fact, I'm gonna get smoothies
for the entire office,

119
00:05:12,957 --> 00:05:14,740
including you, Dolores.

120
00:05:14,827 --> 00:05:16,220
Just a gentle reminder,

121
00:05:16,221 --> 00:05:17,874
those cups need to be rinsed
before they're recycled.

122
00:05:17,899 --> 00:05:20,867
You bet. Along with the
400 straws I'm bringing you.

123
00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:25,465
Again, so sorry.

124
00:05:25,490 --> 00:05:28,667
No, absolutely Captain,
I hear you loud and clear.

125
00:05:28,668 --> 00:05:30,930
I added the papaya extract boost.

126
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,845
- Thank you.
- It's an antioxidant.

127
00:05:32,846 --> 00:05:35,848
I figured with all the truck exhaust
and environmental toxins...

128
00:05:35,873 --> 00:05:37,092
You know I read about that.

129
00:05:37,117 --> 00:05:38,372
Do you know what else
is supposed to be...

130
00:05:38,397 --> 00:05:40,157
No, absolutely. I agree.

131
00:05:40,158 --> 00:05:43,378
It's a very, very serious incident.

132
00:05:43,379 --> 00:05:45,467
...is pomegranate extract.

133
00:05:45,468 --> 00:05:47,295
I've been taking it,
like, before breakfast

134
00:05:47,296 --> 00:05:49,471
and I feel like I notice
a difference in my skin.

135
00:05:49,472 --> 00:05:50,646
Yeah. You got a glow.

136
00:05:50,647 --> 00:05:52,795
- Really?
- What are you doing for sun protection?

137
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:54,954
Like, SPF 50
and, like, a big floppy hat...

138
00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,913
No... exactly, Captain.

139
00:05:56,914 --> 00:06:00,482
No, I... I spoke to the officers
and it won't happen again.

140
00:06:00,483 --> 00:06:01,831
Okay. Super triple promise.

141
00:06:01,832 --> 00:06:03,876
I'm leaving now. Sorry.

142
00:06:03,877 --> 00:06:05,443
Oh wait! I forgot.

143
00:06:05,444 --> 00:06:07,532
I got you this morning glory muffin.

144
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:08,751
Crazy amount of fiber.

145
00:06:08,752 --> 00:06:09,769
Not that you need it.

146
00:06:09,794 --> 00:06:12,069
You don't come off
as constipated at all.

147
00:06:12,908 --> 00:06:14,819
You know I'm not a fan
of Templeton but come on,

148
00:06:14,844 --> 00:06:16,672
you went too far.

149
00:06:16,673 --> 00:06:19,153
Since at least the bronze age,
pranks have been employed

150
00:06:19,154 --> 00:06:21,894
as a necessary form of
workplace justice.

151
00:06:21,895 --> 00:06:23,679
Look... I don't like to get grandiose.

152
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:24,941
Oh, you love to get grandiose.

153
00:06:24,942 --> 00:06:26,421
That's true, I am pretty good at it.

154
00:06:26,422 --> 00:06:28,114
But if jerks like Templeton
go left unchecked,

155
00:06:28,139 --> 00:06:29,554
they become Vladimir Putin.

156
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:32,122
So sometimes the children of light

157
00:06:32,123 --> 00:06:33,906
have to employ the methods
of the children of darkness.

158
00:06:33,907 --> 00:06:34,951
What?

159
00:06:34,952 --> 00:06:36,909
A simple thank you is all I ask.

160
00:06:36,910 --> 00:06:38,650
And now... good day.

161
00:06:40,826 --> 00:06:41,958
Ugh.

162
00:06:42,698 --> 00:06:44,830
He's insufferable!

163
00:06:44,917 --> 00:06:47,920
That dude deserves some
serious karmic payback.

164
00:06:47,921 --> 00:06:49,756
I don't really believe in karma.

165
00:06:51,489 --> 00:06:53,926
Too many bad things happen to
me when I don't have it coming.

166
00:07:01,499 --> 00:07:03,066
I found this in the recycling bin.

167
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:04,067
It's Frank's.

168
00:07:04,068 --> 00:07:05,803
Okay, you don't know that.

169
00:07:05,828 --> 00:07:07,786
It's a size 14 and
it reeks of arrogance.

170
00:07:07,811 --> 00:07:09,813
Can you just give me a sec?

171
00:07:09,838 --> 00:07:11,756
What's with the pictures of Shred?

172
00:07:12,162 --> 00:07:13,511
Uh, no... nothing.

173
00:07:13,598 --> 00:07:16,035
I was... I was doing some,
uh, paperwork and I...

174
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,211
"Shred Taylor penis"?

175
00:07:17,212 --> 00:07:19,038
No! No, no, no. That's not... no.

176
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,518
Why were you Googling that?

177
00:07:20,519 --> 00:07:21,780
No, I... I wasn't.

178
00:07:22,433 --> 00:07:24,522
Well, I was looking up Shred because of,

179
00:07:24,523 --> 00:07:26,568
like, professional, totally
above-board reasons...

180
00:07:26,569 --> 00:07:28,874
um... and I think I just,
I clicked the wrong button.

181
00:07:28,961 --> 00:07:30,485
Do you have a thing for him?

182
00:07:30,486 --> 00:07:31,834
No.

183
00:07:31,835 --> 00:07:34,184
No! No. He's my employee.

184
00:07:34,185 --> 00:07:36,317
And he has a girlfriend.

185
00:07:36,404 --> 00:07:38,884
And regardless of that it's... no.

186
00:07:38,885 --> 00:07:42,092
His penis is frozen?

187
00:07:42,758 --> 00:07:44,847
Yeah. Yeah.

188
00:07:44,848 --> 00:07:48,067
Is or was, I don't know. It's unclear.

189
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,547
How did you even find that?

190
00:07:49,548 --> 00:07:50,983
It's the third thing that pops up. Okay?

191
00:07:50,984 --> 00:07:53,116
It was "Shred Taylor."
"Shred Taylor Half-pipe."

192
00:07:53,203 --> 00:07:54,552
"Shred Taylor Frozen Penis."

193
00:07:54,553 --> 00:07:55,770
You totally have a thing for him.

194
00:07:55,795 --> 00:07:57,033
No!

195
00:07:57,034 --> 00:07:58,643
We've just been carpooling a lot and...

196
00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:00,254
and we like the same cheesy music,

197
00:08:00,255 --> 00:08:02,865
and I would never act on it,
but, like... yeah.

198
00:08:02,866 --> 00:08:04,083
I looked him up and it turns out,

199
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,868
when he was injured on the slopes,

200
00:08:05,869 --> 00:08:09,437
his, um... extremities
were impacted by the cold.

201
00:08:09,438 --> 00:08:11,917
It's, like, a real-life
condition that affects Sherpas

202
00:08:11,942 --> 00:08:15,358
and ice fisherman and snowboarders.

203
00:08:15,383 --> 00:08:16,788
Well...

204
00:08:16,922 --> 00:08:18,256
Well what?

205
00:08:18,616 --> 00:08:19,838
Does it work?

206
00:08:19,839 --> 00:08:21,100
Okay. Dolores...

207
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,102
None of the articles
say anything about that

208
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,714
which is crazy 'cause it's
all anyone wants to know.

209
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:28,064
It's probably fine but you
should stop researching it,

210
00:08:28,065 --> 00:08:29,848
it's just gonna make your crush worse.

211
00:08:29,849 --> 00:08:31,198
I don't want it to be fine.

212
00:08:31,223 --> 00:08:32,758
That's the whole thing,
if it's... if it's broken

213
00:08:32,783 --> 00:08:34,045
or if it's, like, at a weird angle,

214
00:08:34,070 --> 00:08:35,071
or if it's just, like, straight-up gone

215
00:08:35,096 --> 00:08:37,751
then I can just let this go.

216
00:08:38,859 --> 00:08:41,209
I'll go get my laptop.
We'll get to the bottom of this.

217
00:08:41,686 --> 00:08:44,559
- This is gonna be so much fun!
- Oh, boy.

218
00:08:47,692 --> 00:08:49,172
Oh crap, it's still on.

219
00:08:49,173 --> 00:08:50,475
What?

220
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,872
Maya hired a photographer
to shoot our Christmas card tonight.

221
00:08:53,959 --> 00:08:54,960
And I've got boobs.

222
00:08:54,961 --> 00:08:56,701
Oh, no you don't.

223
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:58,529
I was gonna lose 10 pounds
before the shoot.

224
00:08:58,530 --> 00:09:00,575
But then you know what happened?
I didn't.

225
00:09:00,576 --> 00:09:04,143
She got matching white satin
shirts for the whole family.

226
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,667
White satin, Victoria.

227
00:09:05,668 --> 00:09:07,712
Your wife's insane. Postpone it.

228
00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:09,714
I think it's weird to be doing
it this early anyway.

229
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:11,890
It's a competition thing
with her sister.

230
00:09:11,891 --> 00:09:13,152
And we're never gonna win.

231
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:14,893
They're a much more attractive family.

232
00:09:14,894 --> 00:09:16,967
Oh yeah, you showed me a photo.
They're gorgeous.

233
00:09:16,992 --> 00:09:18,044
Hey!

234
00:09:19,094 --> 00:09:21,792
Anyone wanna volunteer for
my vaccination clinic Saturday?

235
00:09:21,817 --> 00:09:23,601
- Oh, I would love that.
- Yeah, I would love to.

236
00:09:23,626 --> 00:09:24,965
- That sounds great!
- Yes! Absolutely.

237
00:09:24,990 --> 00:09:26,383
Great, thanks.

238
00:09:26,384 --> 00:09:28,864
My post-doc resident, Serge,
will be covering for me.

239
00:09:28,865 --> 00:09:30,996
- Ooh...
- Did you say this Saturday?

240
00:09:31,021 --> 00:09:32,893
Ooh, I've got a kid's soccer
game actually.

241
00:09:32,918 --> 00:09:34,147
Actually, I'm free.

242
00:09:34,172 --> 00:09:35,305
Really?

243
00:09:35,306 --> 00:09:36,654
Yeah. Totally.

244
00:09:36,655 --> 00:09:38,131
You're my hero.

245
00:09:39,703 --> 00:09:41,009
You know what, I can do it.

246
00:09:41,034 --> 00:09:43,070
I have experience.
I can move some stuff around.

247
00:09:43,095 --> 00:09:44,314
Now you're my hero.

248
00:09:44,315 --> 00:09:46,838
No. It's about the dogs, not about me.

249
00:09:46,839 --> 00:09:47,926
Aww.

250
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:50,475
You bought that?

251
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:53,516
You just gave up your Saturday
and you still have no shot.

252
00:09:53,541 --> 00:09:56,021
I'm sorry. Did you get an "aww"
from the Hot Vet?

253
00:09:56,022 --> 00:09:57,501
Are you her hero?

254
00:09:58,745 --> 00:09:59,870
Oh, and Frank...

255
00:10:00,383 --> 00:10:02,550
I heard what you did to Templeton,

256
00:10:02,575 --> 00:10:04,601
and I shouldn't admit this,
but hilarious.

257
00:10:05,471 --> 00:10:06,472
Thanks.

258
00:10:07,424 --> 00:10:11,341
You know, it's rare when a hero
is also so funny.

259
00:10:11,342 --> 00:10:12,690
Am I right?

260
00:10:13,108 --> 00:10:14,805
I don't think it was that funny.

261
00:10:15,345 --> 00:10:17,219
Oh, shoot. False alarm.

262
00:10:19,088 --> 00:10:20,420
You got me.

263
00:10:20,445 --> 00:10:23,139
I can't stop thinking about that kid.

264
00:10:23,310 --> 00:10:24,354
What kid?

265
00:10:24,355 --> 00:10:25,834
The kid that's gonna come home,

266
00:10:25,835 --> 00:10:28,227
find his favorite stuffed animal
blown to smithereens,

267
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,968
lying headless in the driveway.

268
00:10:29,993 --> 00:10:31,231
That kid.

269
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,424
Look... I'm in a good mood.

270
00:10:32,449 --> 00:10:33,842
Why are you trying to bring me down?

271
00:10:33,929 --> 00:10:35,844
It's just... maybe we should try
to replace it.

272
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:37,000
Okay. What the hell?

273
00:10:37,025 --> 00:10:38,263
After lunch we'll stop by a toy store.

274
00:10:38,288 --> 00:10:39,327
- Nice.
- You happy?

275
00:10:39,352 --> 00:10:40,327
- Yes.
- Alright.

276
00:10:42,154 --> 00:10:44,156
Whoa. This day just keeps
getting better.

277
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,681
You have her under "Hot Vet"?

278
00:10:46,682 --> 00:10:47,943
Yeah, I can't believe she's texting me.

279
00:10:47,944 --> 00:10:49,858
Okay, I gotta... I gotta focus.

280
00:10:55,189 --> 00:10:56,318
What are you gonna say?

281
00:10:56,343 --> 00:10:57,214
I don't know.

282
00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,597
I wanna engage
without coming on too strong.

283
00:11:03,219 --> 00:11:05,221
Okay. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

284
00:11:05,292 --> 00:11:08,469
What do you think of this?

285
00:11:09,394 --> 00:11:10,871
_

286
00:11:10,966 --> 00:11:12,141
You nailed it.

287
00:11:12,142 --> 00:11:13,316
Send.

288
00:11:14,622 --> 00:11:16,972
Ha, ha! Bingo!

289
00:11:16,973 --> 00:11:18,321
He's on the hook.

290
00:11:18,322 --> 00:11:19,434
What'd he say?

291
00:11:19,459 --> 00:11:20,628
Just "hey".

292
00:11:20,629 --> 00:11:22,456
He's trying to play it down
like it's no big deal

293
00:11:22,457 --> 00:11:25,241
but I know that he's as giddy
as a little school girl.

294
00:11:25,242 --> 00:11:26,503
What are we gonna text him?

295
00:11:26,528 --> 00:11:29,208
No, nothing yet. I'm gonna
make him sweat. But thank you.

296
00:11:29,233 --> 00:11:30,234
Yes.

297
00:11:30,259 --> 00:11:31,869
...By the way. This was a genius idea.

298
00:11:31,894 --> 00:11:33,267
My wife does it all the time.

299
00:11:33,292 --> 00:11:35,784
I'll leave my phone somewhere
and when she calls me,

300
00:11:35,809 --> 00:11:39,057
her name comes up as "suburban
sex goddess" or "spicy mama".

301
00:11:39,143 --> 00:11:40,721
Or "need almond milk".

302
00:11:40,746 --> 00:11:42,104
That one's just when she needs
almond milk.

303
00:11:42,129 --> 00:11:43,130
- No, I... I got that.
- Yeah.

304
00:11:43,155 --> 00:11:44,303
Anything?

305
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,663
Nothing. Total silence.

306
00:11:47,657 --> 00:11:49,196
Three dots and a bubble, here we go!

307
00:11:49,221 --> 00:11:51,180
So, she's crafting her words carefully.

308
00:11:51,181 --> 00:11:53,138
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Come on.

309
00:11:53,225 --> 00:11:56,925
Okay, how does this sound?
My thing got cancelled.

310
00:11:57,012 --> 00:11:59,231
"...so, you'll be stuck with me
all day Saturday."

311
00:11:59,232 --> 00:12:00,358
Yes!

312
00:12:00,383 --> 00:12:03,108
Dude, have some champagne
chilled in the truck, just in case.

313
00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:05,343
Right? It does feel officially
safe to get cocky.

314
00:12:05,368 --> 00:12:06,891
Yes.

315
00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:15,658
Okay, there's gotta be something.

316
00:12:15,683 --> 00:12:16,988
Do you have anything?

317
00:12:17,013 --> 00:12:19,189
Zero. And some of the websites
I stumbled onto

318
00:12:19,214 --> 00:12:20,706
were not what I was thinking

319
00:12:20,731 --> 00:12:22,447
and I'm scared there's gonna be
a knock on my door.

320
00:12:22,472 --> 00:12:23,691
Okay, this is maddening.

321
00:12:23,692 --> 00:12:26,041
I cannot be the only person
in the universe

322
00:12:26,042 --> 00:12:28,696
who wants to know the condition
of Shred Taylor's penis.

323
00:12:28,697 --> 00:12:31,568
Alright. I'm gonna use Patel's
computer and hit the dark web.

324
00:12:34,898 --> 00:12:36,422
None of these are big enough.

325
00:12:36,447 --> 00:12:39,682
Okay. She just said, "is it
weird I'm texting you?

326
00:12:39,707 --> 00:12:41,491
"You know, since we're coworkers".

327
00:12:41,492 --> 00:12:44,363
Well, that's a good point, you know,
'cause it could get awkward.

328
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,148
Are you sure you wanna take it there?

329
00:12:46,149 --> 00:12:48,920
I would take a lifetime of awkward
just to spend one night with her.

330
00:12:48,945 --> 00:12:50,003
So, what do you think of this?

331
00:12:51,066 --> 00:12:53,155
Maybe a little.

332
00:12:53,156 --> 00:12:55,549
No. Don't say that.
You're gonna get in her head.

333
00:12:55,550 --> 00:12:56,598
Exactly. Keep her off balance.

334
00:12:56,623 --> 00:12:57,812
Why would you wanna do that?

335
00:12:57,813 --> 00:12:59,509
This is a game of chess,
it's a battle of wits.

336
00:12:59,510 --> 00:13:01,293
No, it's more like a dance.

337
00:13:01,294 --> 00:13:04,427
And I'm not saying that just 'cause
I don't know how to play chess.

338
00:13:04,514 --> 00:13:07,386
Hold her hand.
See where the music takes you.

339
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:09,432
I haven't been on a date in five months

340
00:13:09,519 --> 00:13:11,173
so I'm not letting you get in my head.

341
00:13:11,174 --> 00:13:13,131
I'm sticking with chess. I'm sending it.

342
00:13:13,218 --> 00:13:15,177
Fine.

343
00:13:15,178 --> 00:13:18,441
But we're wasting our time. I know
where to get a giant stuffed animal.

344
00:13:18,528 --> 00:13:20,051
Wait. They have really good
puzzles here.

345
00:13:21,270 --> 00:13:23,359
"Maybe a little."

346
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:25,100
What a jerk. Who even says that?

347
00:13:26,231 --> 00:13:27,842
Are you listening to me?

348
00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:30,671
I'm spinning out about
this damn Christmas card.

349
00:13:30,758 --> 00:13:32,977
I'm gonna be on refrigerators
all over Seattle.

350
00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:34,936
A diet inspiration for pudgy,
middle-aged men.

351
00:13:34,937 --> 00:13:36,894
I just find it hilarious
that mister slobbering

352
00:13:36,895 --> 00:13:40,028
all over himself is suddenly
mister self-control.

353
00:13:40,115 --> 00:13:41,420
He takes, like, 10 minutes

354
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:43,422
to craft each of his three-word replies.

355
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,294
I'm gonna be a white satin
man boob reminder

356
00:13:45,295 --> 00:13:47,097
to put down the ice cream.

357
00:13:47,122 --> 00:13:49,428
I wanna help my community, yeah,
but not like that.

358
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:51,709
I'm gonna tell him I had a dream
about him last night.

359
00:13:51,996 --> 00:13:53,998
No, that's mean. Don't do that.

360
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:55,671
Too mean or good mean?

361
00:13:55,696 --> 00:13:57,001
You know what I think?

362
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:58,263
What do you think?

363
00:13:58,350 --> 00:13:59,569
I don't think you're getting
off on the cruelty of the prank,

364
00:13:59,570 --> 00:14:01,919
I think you're just getting off.

365
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:02,944
What?

366
00:14:02,969 --> 00:14:05,202
Yeah. I think you like the flirtation.

367
00:14:05,227 --> 00:14:06,271
I think you like him.

368
00:14:06,296 --> 00:14:07,472
Frank? That's crazy.

369
00:14:07,497 --> 00:14:09,324
Okay, then why... why are you blushing?

370
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,481
I'm not blushing.

371
00:14:10,506 --> 00:14:12,252
I'm emotionally tormenting
someone because it's fun.

372
00:14:12,277 --> 00:14:13,452
Mmhmm.

373
00:14:13,477 --> 00:14:15,566
I've got my flaws and I'm fine with it.

374
00:14:15,591 --> 00:14:17,257
At least your flaws are on the inside.

375
00:14:17,282 --> 00:14:18,501
Right?

376
00:14:18,526 --> 00:14:19,614
Truck eight. Please respond.

377
00:14:19,639 --> 00:14:21,641
Kangaroo escaped from the Seattle Zoo.

378
00:14:21,666 --> 00:14:24,998
Zookeeper is requesting back-up.
101 East Webster.

379
00:14:25,508 --> 00:14:27,031
Truck eight responding.

380
00:14:27,641 --> 00:14:29,033
Okay. I'm gonna need you to focus.

381
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,035
Okay. I'm bringing out the big guns.

382
00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:33,168
I'm gonna blow his horny little mind.

383
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:37,433
Come on... no service?

384
00:14:37,434 --> 00:14:39,740
What is it, the bumper cars
are interfering?

385
00:14:39,827 --> 00:14:42,177
Will you please knock these down
so we can get outta here.

386
00:14:42,178 --> 00:14:43,639
I'm trying, Frank.

387
00:14:45,815 --> 00:14:47,469
What is going on?
I thought you were an athlete.

388
00:14:47,494 --> 00:14:49,672
Yeah, in a leg-based sport.
This is, like, an arm sport.

389
00:14:49,697 --> 00:14:51,046
There's wrist stuff...

390
00:14:51,213 --> 00:14:53,366
I gotta get back into cell service.

391
00:14:53,449 --> 00:14:55,233
See? It's not so easy.

392
00:14:55,234 --> 00:14:56,495
Excuse me. Sir?

393
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,323
How much for that huge lion
on the top row?

394
00:14:58,348 --> 00:14:59,480
Prizes are not for sale.

395
00:14:59,505 --> 00:15:02,197
Look at that, Shred.
We found the one carny with scruples.

396
00:15:02,198 --> 00:15:03,459
Can you believe it?

397
00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:04,477
We can... we can earn it.

398
00:15:04,502 --> 00:15:06,461
Okay. Well, how about... now?

399
00:15:08,934 --> 00:15:11,110
That might get you something
from the second row.

400
00:15:11,135 --> 00:15:12,374
Like a little badger.

401
00:15:12,399 --> 00:15:13,520
But are you serious?

402
00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:15,732
We need the lion, Frank.

403
00:15:15,733 --> 00:15:17,255
How much for something from the top row?

404
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:19,717
Three badgers.

405
00:15:20,627 --> 00:15:22,019
There's a cash machine
by the funnel cakes.

406
00:15:22,083 --> 00:15:23,280
Two and a half badgers!

407
00:15:23,305 --> 00:15:24,523
This is extortion.

408
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,613
This was a very reasonable bribe.

409
00:15:27,352 --> 00:15:28,527
Excuse me, guys, sorry.

410
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:30,312
Excuse me, coming through guys.
Thank you.

411
00:15:30,588 --> 00:15:33,010
Officer Patel, This is Officer Sands.
What's the situation?

412
00:15:33,011 --> 00:15:36,579
Jumping Jack. Second time he's escaped.

413
00:15:36,604 --> 00:15:38,040
Anyway, we got him trapped.

414
00:15:38,065 --> 00:15:39,110
What do you need from us?

415
00:15:39,135 --> 00:15:40,288
Not much.

416
00:15:40,313 --> 00:15:42,299
Just stay here and help keep
away the looky-loos.

417
00:15:42,324 --> 00:15:43,325
- Hmm.
- 'Kay.

418
00:15:43,326 --> 00:15:44,718
Alright, Jack.

419
00:15:44,719 --> 00:15:46,328
Don't you need, like, a net
or something?

420
00:15:46,329 --> 00:15:48,467
No, just grab him by the tail.

421
00:15:48,492 --> 00:15:49,493
Sure.

422
00:15:49,518 --> 00:15:51,590
Alright, Jack. Vacation's over, buddy.

423
00:15:51,615 --> 00:15:52,834
Okay. Whoa!

424
00:15:53,248 --> 00:15:54,510
Um...

425
00:15:54,511 --> 00:15:55,859
What... what should we do?

426
00:15:55,860 --> 00:15:59,123
Stand your ground.
We'll sneak up from behind.

427
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:00,944
Ooh... hey mate.

428
00:16:00,969 --> 00:16:02,119
Just like this?

429
00:16:02,144 --> 00:16:04,190
G'day. Hello.

430
00:16:04,215 --> 00:16:05,390
What's he doing?

431
00:16:07,784 --> 00:16:10,700
Don't mess with me, kangaroo.
I boxed Golden Gloves.

432
00:16:11,788 --> 00:16:13,311
He's got a crazy look in his eye.

433
00:16:13,312 --> 00:16:14,356
Keep him engaged.

434
00:16:14,381 --> 00:16:16,296
Roger. I'll amp up the trash talk.

435
00:16:16,321 --> 00:16:18,279
What do you weigh, 140? Huh?

436
00:16:18,316 --> 00:16:21,015
Welterweight's got nothing on me, Jack.
I'm 160.

437
00:16:21,016 --> 00:16:23,713
Wouldn't telling him
your real weight be scarier?

438
00:16:23,714 --> 00:16:25,936
Don't press on my insecurities!

439
00:16:25,961 --> 00:16:27,605
He doesn't seem afraid of you.

440
00:16:27,630 --> 00:16:30,502
Oh yeah? You ready to go? Huh?

441
00:16:30,503 --> 00:16:31,503
'Cause I'm ready to go.

442
00:16:32,679 --> 00:16:33,723
Oh!

443
00:16:33,724 --> 00:16:36,900
That's gotta hurt, yeah. You okay?

444
00:16:37,945 --> 00:16:39,729
Keep it up, just a little longer.

445
00:16:39,730 --> 00:16:40,809
Is that all you got?

446
00:16:44,299 --> 00:16:47,139
Oh, mate. Ow, yeah. Down you go.

447
00:16:47,563 --> 00:16:49,608
Okay. We got him!

448
00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:51,498
- Good work, officer.
- See ya, mate.

449
00:16:52,176 --> 00:16:53,326
See ya.

450
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:57,504
How you doing down there?
Yeah? You a bit winded?

451
00:16:57,654 --> 00:16:59,889
Come on, come on, come on, come on.

452
00:17:00,663 --> 00:17:02,479
Oh! Finally, a signal. Three bars.

453
00:17:04,101 --> 00:17:06,234
She... she wants me to come over tonight

454
00:17:06,321 --> 00:17:08,715
for a quote unquote drink.

455
00:17:08,716 --> 00:17:12,240
Holy moly! The Hot Vet and me!

456
00:17:12,327 --> 00:17:14,024
Knight to queen four!

457
00:17:15,317 --> 00:17:16,840
- What?
- It's chess!

458
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,297
I can't believe I got my
ass kicked by a kangaroo.

459
00:17:26,298 --> 00:17:27,429
Hmm.

460
00:17:28,461 --> 00:17:30,537
Ooh! Mrs. Claus is texting you.

461
00:17:30,562 --> 00:17:33,319
Crap. I forgot about the photo shoot.

462
00:17:34,481 --> 00:17:37,528
Which I no longer have to do.

463
00:17:37,553 --> 00:17:40,572
Maya's not gonna want a Christmas card
with this hideous face on it.

464
00:17:44,663 --> 00:17:46,361
Everything's coming up Patel.

465
00:18:11,821 --> 00:18:13,431
Uh... by any chance

466
00:18:13,432 --> 00:18:16,434
are you someone we work with's roommate?

467
00:18:16,435 --> 00:18:17,895
The Hot Vet just doesn't seem
like the type

468
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:20,134
to do something like this.

469
00:18:20,135 --> 00:18:21,831
Collette, Frank. Her name is Collette.

470
00:18:21,832 --> 00:18:25,052
Collette the vet? That's unfortunate.

471
00:18:25,053 --> 00:18:27,131
This is ridiculous.
I'm just gonna call her.

472
00:18:29,923 --> 00:18:31,142
Yes.

473
00:18:32,686 --> 00:18:34,035
Hello.

474
00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:36,386
Victoria? What are you doing
with Hot Vet's phone?

475
00:18:36,411 --> 00:18:38,514
You tell me.
You're the expert on pranks.

476
00:18:39,276 --> 00:18:40,694
Oh, my God, it was you?

477
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,852
Sometimes the children of the light

478
00:18:42,853 --> 00:18:45,855
need to use the methods
of the children of darkness.

479
00:18:45,856 --> 00:18:47,291
The whole time?

480
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:48,336
How does it feel?

481
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:49,579
Bad. It feels really bad.

482
00:18:49,604 --> 00:18:50,694
Yeah.

483
00:18:50,719 --> 00:18:52,315
But I gotta say, I'm a little impressed.

484
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:55,169
If I were wearing a cap,
I would tip it to you.

485
00:18:55,170 --> 00:18:58,358
Oh, I would love that.
But did you learn anything?

486
00:18:58,383 --> 00:19:00,914
Yes. That I can dish it out
but I absolutely can't take it.

487
00:19:00,915 --> 00:19:02,350
So, will you stop pranking
people so much?

488
00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:06,180
No. But I will be more vigilant
about not getting gotten myself.

489
00:19:06,181 --> 00:19:09,705
And, I don't know when,
it may take years...

490
00:19:09,706 --> 00:19:10,749
but I will retaliate.

491
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:12,889
- Can't wait.
- Goodnight Victoria.

492
00:19:13,448 --> 00:19:16,096
Sucka lucka.

493
00:19:16,121 --> 00:19:17,383
I'm sorry, Delores,

494
00:19:17,408 --> 00:19:20,977
that you became a pawn
in Victoria's sick game.

495
00:19:21,002 --> 00:19:23,702
Leave the bottle of wine
and we'll call it even.

496
00:19:24,227 --> 00:19:25,272
I don't know.

497
00:19:25,297 --> 00:19:27,603
I had high hopes for this
evening and I splurged.

498
00:19:27,766 --> 00:19:29,029
Okay, what about one glass?

499
00:19:30,421 --> 00:19:31,640
That seems fair.

500
00:19:33,903 --> 00:19:35,209
I gotta say,

501
00:19:35,210 --> 00:19:38,995
you are being very
not horrible about all this.

502
00:19:40,736 --> 00:19:42,781
Hey, can I ask you something?

503
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:45,610
Has Shred ever mentioned
an unusual sports injury?

504
00:19:45,697 --> 00:19:46,916
Oh, you read about
the frozen penis thing

505
00:19:46,917 --> 00:19:48,031
and wanna know if it still works?

506
00:19:48,056 --> 00:19:49,231
There's been some discussion.

507
00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:53,357
Oh, I've asked him. And it's... a-okay.

508
00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:55,778
And I've seen it. In the restroom.

509
00:19:55,803 --> 00:19:58,806
It's, and I don't know
how else to describe it...

510
00:19:59,755 --> 00:20:02,149
Gorgeous. It's pristine.

511
00:20:02,150 --> 00:20:03,715
Like a renaissance artist sculpted it

512
00:20:03,716 --> 00:20:05,979
and then killed himself 'cause
he could do no finer work.

513
00:20:05,980 --> 00:20:07,719
God, that guy just glides through life.

514
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,417
The universe is truly garbage.

515
00:20:11,605 --> 00:20:13,912
Would it be unpleasant if I
joined you for a glass?

516
00:20:14,335 --> 00:20:15,727
It would not be unpleasant.

517
00:20:16,641 --> 00:20:18,513
As long as you properly recycle
that bottle.

518
00:20:19,296 --> 00:20:20,645
Did you just make a joke?

519
00:20:21,865 --> 00:20:23,163
Maybe.

520
00:20:24,736 --> 00:20:26,782
I hope the kid likes it.

521
00:20:26,783 --> 00:20:28,305
This is really nice of you.

522
00:20:28,306 --> 00:20:30,394
No... it's not that big a deal.

523
00:20:33,514 --> 00:20:35,160
_

524
00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:36,462
No...

525
00:20:36,487 --> 00:20:37,607
Okay buddy.

526
00:20:37,632 --> 00:20:39,152
Are you kidding?

527
00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:42,829
You ready to go? You alright?

528
00:20:42,854 --> 00:20:44,856
- Yeah, oh yeah.
- Okay.

529
00:20:46,584 --> 00:20:47,977
- Whoa!
- What?

530
00:20:47,978 --> 00:20:49,109
Down the street.

531
00:20:51,894 --> 00:20:52,895
Wow.

532
00:20:56,072 --> 00:20:59,641
Frank was right. It is majestic.

533
00:20:59,642 --> 00:21:01,686
It's beautiful.

534
00:21:02,774 --> 00:21:05,212
Um... but also super dangerous

535
00:21:05,213 --> 00:21:07,736
so maybe we should get back
in the car and report it.

536
00:21:07,737 --> 00:21:09,433
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

537
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:10,957
- We should be fast.
- Oh, my God.

538
00:21:12,609 --> 00:21:14,176
To all units...

539
00:21:14,201 --> 00:21:17,595
two off-duty officers report
a cougar at 425 Knoll Drive.

540
00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:21,924
Officer Dutch responding.
I am instructing the reporting officers

541
00:21:21,949 --> 00:21:24,299
to take their fake cougar
and shove it up their...

542
00:21:26,537 --> 00:21:27,582
Over.

543
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,022
No one can know about this.

544
00:21:33,023 --> 00:21:34,676
Obviously.

545
00:21:34,677 --> 00:21:37,026
This was like a one...
one-and-a-half time thing.

546
00:21:37,051 --> 00:21:38,444
Obviously.

547
00:21:39,031 --> 00:21:43,031
- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.addic7ed.com -