- Episode One airs tonight. - It does indeed, yeah.
A sense of achievement?
A sense of relief.
- What's next? - Something different.
Yeah, change for a bit.
From each other? Or...
From the show for a bit.
Anything in the pipeline?
I don't always know.
Really?
Well, you know, film, TV, that takes a while to set up,
and theatre projects, they come and go. And...
I forget that Georgia just hawks you around broadcasters in a wheelbarrow,
hawking your wares for a cheese-and-onion sandwich.
Why something different?
Well, you can feel stuck, can't you, after a while?
Two series of Good Omens, three series of Staged...
You know, I think it's important to mix things up.
I feel that, too.
What's next for you, Michael?
I'm playing Aneurin Bevan for the BBC.
What?
Well, that's not exactly mixing things up, is it?
I have never played him before.
- You've done impressions before. - Don't call them impressions.
How many times have you seen the tired old Tony Blair shtick?
How many times have you thrown on a brown coat and glued your hair
into an exponential curve and battled a salt shaker?
Fucking galaxies have died since that free-for-all began.
And Bevan's Welsh. Is he gonna... Is he gonna seek out football teams to shout at?
Is that your new... Is that your new... "Bois bach.
Comedy, kick a football around. "Give us some Welsh sugar"?
Bit of that? Is he gonna do that?
Can we expect to see you in a new crime series for the BBC any time soon?
- No. - No? No, really?
I mean, there might be a body in a small town early next year.
- It's possible. - Right. You gonna be looking out over cliffs?
- I might brood. - Yeah, furrowing the old brow.
I will use all the tools in my extensive toolbox.
I wonder there's not a mass exodus as soon as you walk in.
"This is a lovely town. I'm glad we moved here.
"Isn't that the scrawny fucker whose arrival
"heralds the coming of death?
"Hey-ho, on we go."
So, more of the same?
Yeah.
Give the people what they want?
- Yeah. - I suppose so.
Do you ever worry that you'll get bored?
Recently.
I didn't used to.
Do you ever worry that people might get bored of you?
www.subtitulamos.tv
I don't know how much mouth rinse Simon had necked at the dentists,
but the new script for episode three was...
was not boring.
It was big and bold and different.
And I think that's why David and Michael got excited again.
I know I'd not been keen,
but it was nice to see Michael energised.
And we still had the documentary as a back-up,
so we just thought, "Let's go."
One last roll of the lunacy dice.
So, the scripts are all David and Michael meeting past versions
of themselves from season one,
sort of a warning of what was to come.
David talked to David, Michael talked to Michael,
all on Zoom.
And David taught himself how to make a sourdough starter.
Then Michael and David argued with Michael and David.
Then Michael and Michael argued with David and David,
and the Michaels betrayed the Davids.
It was very high concept.
A Christmas-yet-to-come kind of thing.
Sort of Bill and Ted, really, or Back To The Future Part II.
One last gasp.
I mean, we all really wanted it to work.
Yeah, everyone wanted it to work.
Were you sad when it all shut down?
Yeah.
It wasn't...
It wasn't really what Josh wanted, and there was no money, so...
Michael checked out.
David did, too.
They didn't want to do it any more.
So we made the decision to deliver the documentary.
Georgia got what she wanted.
It wasn't really what anyone wanted.
Not like that.
You know, the show was, erm...
like a spirited, scrappy little thing
when we started, and now...
It's just...
Well, Episode One airs tonight.
Yeah.
I just hope we get away with it.
Fucking hell.
- They are bad. - They're not bad.
- They're not good. - Well, stop reading, then.
"What was fresh and invigorating is now old and desperate."
Yeah, well, they've only seen episode one.
- The documentary stuff is fresh. - This is not what I wanted.
Well, the writing takes the brunt, so...
"Evans and co-creator Phin Glynn
"should be given concrete shoes and thrown in the nearest river."
Yeah.
- Hi. - You've seen them?
- They are bad. - They are not bad.
- They are not good. - I'm listening to Talkback.
- Yeah? - What's Talkback?
It's, like, a phone-in radio show. I was listening earlier.
- Where they discussing us? - Yeah, savagely.
Hey, this caller likes us.
No, she doesn't.
What did she say?
In the rankings of comedy double acts,
David and Michael aren't.
Well, people are still calling in.
What about the Radio Times?
- Yes, they like us! - They had us on the front cover.
Yeah, what do they say?
"We have too much respect for David and Michael to publish a review."
- What can we do? - Well, we can't DO anything.
- Can we explain? - Explain what?
You know, that it was a train wreck from start to finish.
That we're lucky to have escaped with our sanity,
let alone six episodes of television,
and there should be prizes for effort.
The reviews are out, babe.
- We could film new episodes. - When?
- This week. - You're insane.
We did it in a week before.
We were much younger men then.
It was two years ago.
- Anyway, Lily's over from New York. - So?
So I want to forget bad reviews
and move on from this sorry chapter
and spend Christmas with my family.
Yeah, listen, everything is gonna be fine, OK?
Episode two airs tonight.
Michael storms off, we segue into the documentary,
and it carries on during the week as planned.
What's episode three?
How we agreed to do series three.
- With Michael hiding in the car? - Yeah.
You and me in the shower, that one?
Episode four is you two trying to write together.
- God. - And episode five?
This.
Where we are now.
Are we filming this?
We're filming everything.
Simon can still write us a finale.
We already have one.
Part retrospective, part looking to the future.
- Well, that sounds terrible. - I am trying my best.
- Have you heard from Simon? - No.
Are we worried that they might be at the bottom of the river?
I mean, let's not worry about that right now.
OK, we're working on the basis that he is still alive
and not Mafia casualty.
He still won't have any time to write anything, will he?
What about a live episode?
Don't be so stupid.
You're our next caller.
You'll be on air with Ben Wicks in a second.
- What's that? - Thanks for waiting.
- I'm on hold. - With who?
Talkback.
Why?
Someone's got to fight our corner.
You can't just call into a radio station.
Just watch me.
I'm gonna tell them that we deserve a prize for effort.
As yourself?
Not as myself. Obviously, I will disguise my voice.
- Well, what name did you give? - They didn't ask for a name.
Hello, you're on with Ben Wicks. What's your name?
David.
Hi, David.
But my friends call me Steven.
- Good to meet you, Steven. - With a V.
A V, like in David?
Yeah, similar.
And what do you want to say about Staged?
I really enjoyed that first episode.
Finally!
You are in a minority of one.
What did you enjoy about it?
What did I enjoy about it?
I think...
- _ - That they were trying something new.
They don't give prizes for effort.
- Well, they should! - It doesn't work that way.
It was a tough production.
Their writer left halfway through.
How do you know that? Did you work on the show?
No.
So how do you know about the writer leaving?
Well, what's happened is,
- _ - I have a wife on the crew.
A wife? Does this wife have the inside gossip?
Yeah, she knows a thing or two.
And what did she like about the first episode?
She's a big fan of that David Tennant.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
She thinks he's really sexy.
Can we speak to her?
No, she's busy right now.
But she likes the first episode?
Very much. Very much indeed.
- She said to me, "David..." - Steven!
- "Steven," she said to me... - Who was that?
My son.
What's his name?
Mervyn.
Did you enjoy the first episode, Mervyn?
I liked it a lot.
He loved it, he did.
You don't think it's just the same old shtick?
People love the old shtick.
People love the old shtick. Bye!
But critics are calling it boring, tired.
Steven, they're calling it predictable. What do you say to them?
Well, they don't know what's coming.
What's coming?
Something really surprising.
I'm all ears.
I shouldn't be telling you this.
As long as it's not another lazy layer of meta-rubbish,
like a shift into documentary or something.
No.
Well?
What's coming?
What should we be looking out for?
- Steven? - What is coming up...
- Seriously. - is really surprising is...
- Excite me. - Is...
What's gonna save this dead horse before it's flogged?
- _ - Please tell me it gets better.
They're doing a live episode.
Hope you enjoy it. Bye, everyone!
We're doing a live episode.
OK.
Is that all you're gonna say?
- I'm waiting for a punchline. - It's not a joke.
I'm not writing you a live episode.
OK, David said something stupid.
- Yes, I heard, on the radio. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Where was he supposed to be from? - I dunno.
And Michael was Mervyn, yes?
OK, we are doing it on Saturday.
- No, we can't. - It's important to David.
That is not a basis for decision making...
And Josh is excited about the idea.
I cannot imagine for a second that Michael is excited about the idea.
Well, he will do it for David.
- Well, I WON'T do it for David! - Listen, listen.
You started this, you little...
tenacious-till-the-going-gets-tough watered-down idealist.
You came to me,
and it might not have ended up like the great statement that you wanted,
and it might not parcel up all your, like, hopes and dreams,
but YOU are gonna help us finish it.
- What do we need? - OK.
Right, what was it originally?
- What, the original final episode? - You had a story, didn't you?
Like David and Michael doing A Christmas Carol?
Yes, but it was all gonna fall apart
- due to outside pressures. - OK.
What sort of outside pressures?
Michael was going to be beset by angry carol singers,
and David was gonna be arrested in Pyongyang.
- What for? - Treason.
- Right. Well, can't it still be that? - No.
No. It's missing all the... all the set-up.
Could we just do A Christmas Carol?
What, without all the outside pressures?
Yeah. Like, OK, David Tennant and Michael Sheen...
present a live version of A Christmas Carol,
adapted by Simon Evans, in the style of Staged,
filmed on laptops, audio on phones.
- On Saturday? - On Saturday.
Have you read A Christmas Carol?
I have seen the Muppet version.
Dickens was paid by the word.
Kermit the Frog has a doctorate.
Then get Kermit the Frog to fucking write it!
OK, you wanted to do something different for episode three.
- And look how that all worked out. - OK, so do something different here.
People don't want different, do they?!
If we do A Christmas Carol, I tell you what people will want.
They'll want Marley and Cratchit
arguing about whose name comes first on the sign outside.
They'll want Bob Cratchit drawing fucking pineapples.
They'll want us to find an Oscar-winner to play...
- Tiny Tim! - So give them that.
No! Because they don't really want that, do they?
Because I will get it in the neck for being predictable.
Unless, of course, it's a storming success,
in which case, who gets all the credit?
David and Michael.
You know, there was a review this morning for episode two.
It called it "Sheen and Tennant's improvised farce".
That sounds positive!
Argh! That episode stretched the bounds
of all etiquette around plot contrivance and exposition,
beyond ALL the boundaries of literary decency,
and they still think David and Michael made it up on the fucking spot!
OK, they've never actually said that, though, have they?
Have they?
- No. - No.
No, because they have always stood up for you.
They have always told everyone how you write it
and praised what you do.
- In public. - Well, in public, yeah.
Behind the scenes, they are less generous.
Well, behind the scenes, you're as useful as a yeast infection, babe.
But listen, they believe in you. They stand up for you.
And they have never taken away from how hard you work on what you do.
- No? - Not once.
We need a cast.
Is he gonna do it?
Have you ever said anything mean about him on camera?
- Don't think so... - OK, well, can you not, for the day?
I'll try my absoloute hardest.
- This... this is super hot, by the way. - Ta!
We need a cast.
We need somewhere to do it.
Yeah, we should all do it together incase it all goes wrong.
Georgia, when has anything ever gone wrong?
Oh! We could do it here?
Michael's got Lily in Wales this weekend.
- She could be in it? - She could be in it!
OK, do you need to rehearse?
Not if we're reading it.
Okay, great. Phone some friends.
Come on!
I don't have any friends!
I didn't storm off.
- Well, I think you did. - No.
Look, I'm happy to talk about deciding to do a third series.
I'm happy to talk about filming two episodes.
I think we have to talk about the storming off.
- Why? - Cos that's why the whole thing fell apart.
- It's not the only reason. - I mean, I think it is.
We didn't want do it from the start, we didn't like the scripts.
We could have fixed the scripts.
I was tired of fixing Simon's bullet points on the fly.
Look, it was forgivable when Simon only had days to write it,
but he's had fucking months.
It's not our job to improvise our way out of bad writing.
Where are you?
We're getting there, you know. Not far now.
- You're supposed to be here. - Well...
Anna's a very cautious driver.
You're bringing the kids with you?
No, we left them at my mum and dad's.
You feeling confident about that?
In absolutely no way whatsoever.
How's everything looking at your end?
I just stepped outside.
What's the collective noun for garden gnomes?
A violation?
It's pretty mental inside.
How's Simon getting along?
He's supposed to be here too.
Have you had anything in from him yet?
Not a squit.
It'll be fine.
I just want it to feel different.
- Well, we can do it in silly hats. - Yeah.
I just want us to help set up.
Well, isn't it just laptops and phones?
No, no, no, no, no. No, not any more.
There's lights being hung...
surfaces being painted...
Well, historically, the best way we can help
is by staying out of the way.
I feel responsible.
Well, that's understandable.
We did get everyone into this.
No, YOU got everyone into this. I'm just caught in your rats' nest.
Yeah.
I just want it to feel different.
What has Georgia said that we can do?
She's asked me to put up some signs.
Well, put up some signs, then.
No, we're strong, handsome men. I wanna be...
lifting things up and putting them down again.
I feel like that would be a waste of energy.
I mean moving things.
I don't think people would appreciate that.
Well, we can do what we're told.
Historically, we can't.
- We're here! - Where the hell have you been?
Don't ask. We're outside, by the side gate.
We assemble a Who's Who of acting talent
- and you arrive two hours late? - Did you tell them your joke?
Welcome! Welcome!
Hello!
- Anna! - David.
Hello. And you brought a camera crew!
Watch out. Let them through. Don't ask questions.
- See, I'm getting used to it now. - Is Lily not with you?
- She's coming down later. - What's in the bag?
Costume options.
We don't need anything.
Christmas jumpers, funny hats.
- OK. Yeah, all right. - Is the bunting for me?
Georgia's birthday, isn't it? Party later.
- We didn't bring a card. - I brought a card.
- I'm glad you came. - Me too.
- I wasn't sure if you were going to. - Well, Anna told me to.
Yeah? Thought you didn't want him making any more.
I want him to finish it properly.
- That's very dramatic. - Well, she's a romantic at heart.
Only when it costs me nothing. Georgia!
Yeah, fair, fair.
Well, well, look at that.
- Very good. - Yeah. So, we're filming in here.
So, why are we making it look like my kitchen?
Georgia wanted to keep the aesthetic of the show.
Right.
- Do you think we'll get away with it? - Yeah.
OK.
What's the collective noun for electronics into an extension lead?
A gamble?
Yeah...
We thought we should make sure everyone's here on site
- in case anything goes wrong. - Right.
Look at that.
- Georgia! - Michael!
You are late, and Anna says it's your fault.
- Simon's pulling up. - OK.
No, no, sorry. There's no shoes upstairs.
So you'll be here.
- That's yours. - Oh, lovely. Great.
Is he... Is he in?
- Yeah, he's here. Course he is. - He is?! Right!
Ian?
It's Mich... Hello!
Aw... You...
Yeah, great. Great. OK. Script with you soon?
OK. Bye.
I don't trust people who are comfortable naked
in other people's homes.
Right, is everyone in position?
Ooh, is Michael's forehead a bit shiny?
- What? - I'll do a little buff.
Live in 60 seconds.
- Oh, I'm excited! - Me too!
- Do we have a script yet? - Yeah, Simon's printing it now.
- Right. - OK. There we go. Right, listen.
There's a lot of wires under your feet, so don't move them, OK?
Right. OK.
- Standing by OBS and phones. - Yeah. Good here...
Yes. All good. Good here.
- I love you, baby. - Love you too!
45 seconds.
This is what I'm talking about! Ha-ha!
We feel like that that dog that chases the bird off the cliff
and there's just all air underneath.
But, you know, as long as we keep our eyes straight ahead...
- we won't fall. - Yeah. But it's a coyote.
No, a dog doesn't chase a coyote.
No, it's a coyote that chases the bird, the Road Runner.
No, it's a cartoon, David.
- Of a coyote. - Well, how do you know it's a coyote?
Cos his NAME is Wile E Coyote.
Well, a name doesn't define a person.
- 30 seconds. - Still need a script, please, thank you.
Yes, has anyone got eyes on Simon?
- It's coming! - Right.
- Sorry, sorry! - Cometh the hour!
OK, there we go.
- Thank you. - One for me too, please.
- Thank you. - Can I just say a big thank you, actually,
because I know that
things have... It just means a huge amount to me.
I know that you both always have my back.
- Yeah, yeah. - And I just want to say...
- I hope you have a really... - OK.
- Great. - A pleasure. I'm sure we will,
I'm sure we will. Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.
- Time for a cookie jar? - Maybe later.
- Yeah. Have a very good show. - Have a good show.
Live in ten seconds.
- Is yours blank? - Completely blank. Is yours?
- Also blank, yeah. - Five seconds.
Something on the very last page.
Three...
Two...
- "Improvise your way out of this." - And we're live.
_
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