1
00:00:00,063 --> 00:00:01,661
_

2
00:00:01,687 --> 00:00:05,923
What? No. No, I can't stay with my
boyfriend because he is still in prison.

3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,800
Besides, we're not that serious.

4
00:00:07,835 --> 00:00:10,224
We talked through the toilet
and I've only seen a picture of his dick.

5
00:00:10,250 --> 00:00:11,630
Look, I'm really sorry.

6
00:00:11,656 --> 00:00:13,304
- I should've been honest with you.
- I'm over it.

7
00:00:13,330 --> 00:00:15,057
And just to be clear,
you and I are no longer...

8
00:00:15,141 --> 00:00:16,898
A couple? No, we're not.

9
00:00:16,924 --> 00:00:18,677
You've been locked up for three years.

10
00:00:18,703 --> 00:00:20,688
I know you're itchin' to get laid.

11
00:00:20,714 --> 00:00:23,432
Maybe it's time to scratch that itch.

12
00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:26,812
What the hell.
Probably never see you again.

13
00:00:27,442 --> 00:00:29,778
That's not social distancing.

14
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,444
_

15
00:01:33,171 --> 00:01:34,517
_

16
00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:44,733
_

17
00:01:56,968 --> 00:01:58,671
_

18
00:02:20,351 --> 00:02:21,890
_

19
00:02:25,828 --> 00:02:27,507
_

20
00:02:27,532 --> 00:02:29,741
_

21
00:02:51,890 --> 00:02:53,843
_

22
00:02:53,869 --> 00:02:55,876
_

23
00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:16,113
- Hand me the vacuum.
- Yep.

24
00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:21,679
And what's with this cheese?

25
00:03:21,791 --> 00:03:24,093
That's gonna represent
a Swiss bank account.

26
00:03:24,119 --> 00:03:26,117
Or the plan still having
some holes in it.

27
00:03:26,143 --> 00:03:27,546
Haven't decided yet.

28
00:03:43,845 --> 00:03:45,092
What are you doing?

29
00:03:45,905 --> 00:03:49,146
Oh, nothin'. Just puttin'
my hand on your knee. Why?

30
00:03:49,172 --> 00:03:50,350
Don't do that.

31
00:03:50,376 --> 00:03:51,544
Oh, okay.

32
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:55,735
I thought maybe we were cool
again, like we were in prison.

33
00:03:55,761 --> 00:03:58,559
Since... we kissed.

34
00:03:58,585 --> 00:04:00,157
I don't know what you're talking about.

35
00:04:00,183 --> 00:04:02,379
Come on, we weren't that drunk.

36
00:04:02,405 --> 00:04:04,244
We played rock, paper, scissors.

37
00:04:04,270 --> 00:04:06,622
My paper covered your rock, we
had a little bit of a moment,

38
00:04:06,648 --> 00:04:08,191
and then we kissed.

39
00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:10,007
That didn't happen.

40
00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:15,756
Oh, okay. I see. I see
what you're doin'.

41
00:04:23,448 --> 00:04:25,033
Did the TV break?

42
00:04:25,059 --> 00:04:27,905
Gloria's comin' up with a plan to
steal the Congresswoman's money.

43
00:04:27,931 --> 00:04:31,554
What are you doin' with my magazines?
I use those.

44
00:04:31,965 --> 00:04:34,290
Look what you did. You cut off the "C."

45
00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,485
Now it's a recipe for asserole.

46
00:04:36,528 --> 00:04:38,507
Where's the new phone I got you?

47
00:04:39,069 --> 00:04:42,671
I sent it to Jean Michel Duklon
so we could finally video chat,

48
00:04:42,898 --> 00:04:46,453
but he told me a squirrel
was chasing a bird,

49
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,046
the bird startled the mailman,

50
00:04:48,072 --> 00:04:49,573
the mailman dropped the package,

51
00:04:49,599 --> 00:04:50,832
when he went to pick it up,

52
00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:54,211
accidentally stepped on
it and broke the camera.

53
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,983
It's my fault for not
paying for insurance.

54
00:04:57,693 --> 00:04:59,155
Hey, what's the vacuum for?

55
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,497
The vacuum represents the housekeeper.

56
00:05:01,523 --> 00:05:05,864
Okay. You know how the Congresswoman
is selling all her valuables

57
00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:08,731
and dumping her cash into
a secret bank account

58
00:05:08,757 --> 00:05:11,061
- under her housekeeper's name?
- Yeah. Lucia.

59
00:05:11,087 --> 00:05:14,314
Yep, and the first thing we need to do
is unearth some information about her.

60
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:15,799
Last name, address...

61
00:05:15,825 --> 00:05:17,953
Why'd you cut out a boner ad?

62
00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:20,343
Or is it not for the wall?

63
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:22,489
It's for the wall.

64
00:05:23,304 --> 00:05:25,351
In fact, it's for you.

65
00:05:25,711 --> 00:05:27,754
We're gonna need you
to start dating Stan.

66
00:05:27,780 --> 00:05:28,928
Excuse me?

67
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:31,540
Stan, the bank manager
who's in love with you.

68
00:05:31,566 --> 00:05:33,834
The only way this is gonna work
is if you start dating him.

69
00:05:33,860 --> 00:05:36,795
So when I show up to the bank as
Lucia to make a transfer, you can...

70
00:05:36,821 --> 00:05:40,857
I'm in a committed relationship.
I can't hold another man's hand.

71
00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:44,036
And I sure as hell can't run
in sand with this wonky hip.

72
00:05:44,062 --> 00:05:47,648
No, you need to find another picture
and figure out how to make it work.

73
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,343
Find another...

74
00:05:49,892 --> 00:05:52,801
Wait, do you think I just cut
up a bunch of pictures first

75
00:05:52,827 --> 00:05:54,606
and then came up with the plan?

76
00:05:54,632 --> 00:05:56,648
Here. Put this up there.

77
00:05:56,674 --> 00:05:58,791
We used to trick our dog
Pickles to go to the vet.

78
00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:00,702
Maybe there's a way you can
trick the Congresswoman

79
00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:01,945
into givin' us all her money.

80
00:06:01,971 --> 00:06:03,254
I like that idea, Mom.

81
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,574
We're gonna have to figure out
what kind of treats she likes.

82
00:06:05,796 --> 00:06:08,200
Barb, this is a lot of money.

83
00:06:08,226 --> 00:06:10,030
- I'm just asking you to...
- Cheat.

84
00:06:10,056 --> 00:06:13,540
You're askin' me to cheat on
the first man in my whole life

85
00:06:13,566 --> 00:06:16,015
I've remained faithful to
and it's not gonna happen.

86
00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:19,054
Nope.

87
00:06:19,405 --> 00:06:21,882
If I have to choose
between love and money,

88
00:06:22,230 --> 00:06:23,960
I'm choosin' love.

89
00:06:25,158 --> 00:06:27,905
But, seriously, you need to find
another way to get this money.

90
00:06:27,931 --> 00:06:30,223
I wanna surprise my man
with a lime-green Tesla

91
00:06:30,249 --> 00:06:32,885
and I've also got my eye on some
elective surgical procedures.

92
00:06:32,911 --> 00:06:35,358
And from what I'm askin'
them to accomplish,

93
00:06:35,383 --> 00:06:37,288
it ain't gonna be cheap.

94
00:06:43,944 --> 00:06:47,491
Someone needs to tell her her boyfriend
doesn't exist and she's being scammed.

95
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:51,249
Yeah, well... I don't
wanna be here for that.

96
00:06:51,401 --> 00:06:53,471
You're just gettin' started on the plan.

97
00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:54,872
Maybe you can find a way around it.

98
00:06:54,898 --> 00:06:57,864
Jack, this isn't just about the plan.
This is about Barb.

99
00:06:57,948 --> 00:07:00,812
She's been taking care of us.
We need to take care of her.

100
00:07:00,838 --> 00:07:02,840
Sooner or later, Rooster's
gonna tell Barb

101
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,425
that he's engaged to Wiggles,
you and I will be gone,

102
00:07:05,451 --> 00:07:08,746
and Barb will be here all alone,
sending half her money to this asshole

103
00:07:08,772 --> 00:07:11,856
and using the rest to turn
herself into FrankenMILF.

104
00:07:12,033 --> 00:07:13,793
She deserves to know the truth.

105
00:07:13,819 --> 00:07:15,827
Well, I guess you're right.
Who's gonna tell her?

106
00:07:17,063 --> 00:07:18,991
Rock, paper, scissors?

107
00:07:21,499 --> 00:07:23,835
I don't think she's gonna
listen to either of us.

108
00:07:23,861 --> 00:07:26,108
This guy has her so brainwashed,

109
00:07:26,134 --> 00:07:29,843
she's not gonna believe he doesn't
exist unless she sees it for herself.

110
00:07:37,191 --> 00:07:40,161
Get the treats. We're
taking Pickles to the vet.

111
00:08:12,179 --> 00:08:20,100
www.subtitulamos.tv

112
00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:28,078
This was a great idea.

113
00:08:28,104 --> 00:08:30,318
Can't tell you the last
time I've been to D.C.

114
00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,844
And thanks for drivin' so I can
look at the cherry blossoms.

115
00:08:32,870 --> 00:08:34,360
Yeah, no problem.

116
00:08:36,727 --> 00:08:39,680
No, Jack, honey... D.C.'s that way.

117
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,648
We're not going to D.C., Barb.

118
00:08:42,674 --> 00:08:43,633
What?

119
00:08:49,617 --> 00:08:51,964
We're taking you to see
Jean Michel Duklon.

120
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:53,313
Surprise.

121
00:08:53,339 --> 00:08:55,369
No, we can't show up unannounced.

122
00:08:55,395 --> 00:08:57,246
Why not? It'll be romantic.

123
00:08:57,329 --> 00:09:00,749
What if he's not home? He splits his time
between Ohio and the South of France.

124
00:09:00,832 --> 00:09:04,310
He is home. I've been using the phone
you sent him to find his location.

125
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:05,883
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

126
00:09:05,909 --> 00:09:08,084
-Turn this car around.
-Do not turn this car around.

127
00:09:08,110 --> 00:09:10,983
Hey, what are you doin'? Barb? Barb?

128
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:13,804
I swear to God, if you don't
turn this car around,

129
00:09:13,992 --> 00:09:15,858
- I'll jump.
- Barb, no!

130
00:09:15,884 --> 00:09:18,030
- Pull over!
- Barb, don't jump!

131
00:09:18,056 --> 00:09:19,021
Pull over!

132
00:09:19,047 --> 00:09:20,644
- She's not jumping.
- I feel like she might.

133
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,125
I'm jumping!

134
00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:28,318
And don't think I don't know
what you did with the Twizzlers!

135
00:09:28,370 --> 00:09:31,248
Treatin' me like a damn dog with worms.

136
00:09:31,503 --> 00:09:33,370
Fine, we won't go see him!

137
00:09:33,396 --> 00:09:35,399
He wasn't gonna be there anyway!

138
00:09:38,350 --> 00:09:39,766
How do you know?

139
00:09:41,555 --> 00:09:44,240
Rock beats blank stare. Tell her, Jack.

140
00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:46,378
Tell me what?

141
00:09:46,930 --> 00:09:48,781
We think you're being scammed.

142
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:53,055
Not to say you're not a
ripe, beautiful woman,

143
00:09:53,184 --> 00:09:56,146
but don't you think it's a little odd

144
00:09:56,172 --> 00:09:58,173
that you've never talked face-to-face

145
00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,529
because his camera phone
is always broken?

146
00:10:00,555 --> 00:10:02,019
He drops things. Big whoop.

147
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,016
Yeah, but you always
send him cash and gifts.

148
00:10:05,042 --> 00:10:06,664
He never sends you anything back.

149
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:08,567
Because he's between jobs.

150
00:10:08,593 --> 00:10:10,513
The Eastern Ohio male modeling industry

151
00:10:10,539 --> 00:10:12,528
has been crippled by Covid.

152
00:10:12,554 --> 00:10:14,839
He lives five hours away,
he's never come to visit you.

153
00:10:14,865 --> 00:10:18,827
Because he's a saint who takes
care of his sick father.

154
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,502
He can't leave him alone.

155
00:10:20,528 --> 00:10:23,707
Doesn't all that sound
a little convenient?

156
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,612
I mean, trust me, I know
a scam when I see one.

157
00:10:26,638 --> 00:10:29,982
You might know a scam, but you
sure as hell don't know love.

158
00:10:30,008 --> 00:10:32,018
You just think all men are scumbags

159
00:10:32,044 --> 00:10:34,151
because you gave your
heart to Jack in prison

160
00:10:34,177 --> 00:10:36,935
and it turns out he was lyin'
to you the whole time.

161
00:10:36,997 --> 00:10:38,700
Scumbag's a little strong.

162
00:10:38,726 --> 00:10:40,948
And you can't believe a younger man

163
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,021
could be attracted to a mature woman

164
00:10:43,047 --> 00:10:46,120
because you're repulsed by the
thought of being with an older man.

165
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,873
Older man? We're 12 years apart.

166
00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:51,860
And that's prison years. There's
no sun damage in lockup.

167
00:10:51,886 --> 00:10:54,097
- Let it go, Jack. Just...
- Show me a crow's foot.

168
00:10:54,123 --> 00:10:55,458
Other side.

169
00:10:55,857 --> 00:10:57,032
Nothing.

170
00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:59,284
If you are so convinced that he is real,

171
00:10:59,310 --> 00:11:00,801
why are you so scared to go see him?

172
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,371
Because I'm not ready.

173
00:11:02,397 --> 00:11:05,323
I got a whole list of nips and
tucks and lifts I gotta do

174
00:11:05,349 --> 00:11:06,932
before I see him in person.

175
00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:09,211
I mean, this bra's puttin'
in the work, but without it,

176
00:11:09,237 --> 00:11:11,740
I got a left knocker that's
got a mind of its own.

177
00:11:11,766 --> 00:11:13,770
You sent him a phone so
you could video chat.

178
00:11:13,796 --> 00:11:15,631
He was gonna see you then,
why not see you now?

179
00:11:15,657 --> 00:11:18,993
Because if we video chat,
I can dim the lights,

180
00:11:19,028 --> 00:11:20,526
pick my own angle,

181
00:11:20,552 --> 00:11:22,581
smear a little Miracle Whip on the lens.

182
00:11:22,607 --> 00:11:24,157
I control the environment,

183
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:27,732
just like when I send him pictures of
me from no less than 20 feet away.

184
00:11:32,548 --> 00:11:34,466
What are you doin'? What are you doin'?

185
00:11:36,156 --> 00:11:38,341
He can zoom in on the pictures, Barb.

186
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,302
You can just do that with your fingers?

187
00:11:44,005 --> 00:11:47,427
- He knows what I look like?
- Warts and all.

188
00:11:48,572 --> 00:11:49,832
Well, then...

189
00:11:51,357 --> 00:11:53,083
take me to my lover.

190
00:11:55,109 --> 00:11:57,316
And it's not a wart, it's a skin tag.

191
00:11:57,342 --> 00:12:00,174
And it's on the list, under nips.

192
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:15,152
What are you doing?

193
00:12:15,726 --> 00:12:17,273
Lettin' him know we're comin'.

194
00:12:17,343 --> 00:12:20,115
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You are not warning him.

195
00:12:20,141 --> 00:12:22,875
If he's real, he'll be thrilled
when you surprise him.

196
00:12:27,859 --> 00:12:29,028
Hello?

197
00:12:29,054 --> 00:12:32,200
Hey, so I was at the house showin'
Wiggles how we spy on people and shit

198
00:12:32,226 --> 00:12:34,302
and the Congresswoman called up some guy

199
00:12:34,328 --> 00:12:35,825
to come pick her up
and take her to work.

200
00:12:35,851 --> 00:12:37,883
Yeah, that's great, Rooster. Can...

201
00:12:37,909 --> 00:12:39,906
Can I call you back? I'm
a little busy right now.

202
00:12:39,932 --> 00:12:42,804
She also said that they gotta
stop by the cleaning lady's house

203
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,748
and pay her for the work last weekend.

204
00:12:44,890 --> 00:12:47,184
They're goin' to Lucia's!

205
00:12:47,325 --> 00:12:48,826
We're on our way over
there to follow her.

206
00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:50,942
Rooster says the Congresswoman's
goin' to Lucia's house.

207
00:12:50,968 --> 00:12:52,028
He's gonna follow her.

208
00:12:52,054 --> 00:12:55,653
Absolutely not. We can probably
figure out where she lives online.

209
00:12:55,679 --> 00:12:59,211
Rooster, do not follow
the Congresswoman!

210
00:12:59,237 --> 00:13:01,297
I think Gloria feels like
we can hold off on that.

211
00:13:01,323 --> 00:13:03,116
Yeah, I heard.

212
00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:07,262
Fine, keep the damn phone.

213
00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:11,297
Rather see the surprised
look on his very real,

214
00:13:11,322 --> 00:13:13,523
very handsome face anyway.

215
00:13:19,570 --> 00:13:21,989
I got road snacks!

216
00:13:22,416 --> 00:13:23,959
We're not going.

217
00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:27,252
Really? Why? You were so excited.

218
00:13:27,343 --> 00:13:29,879
They think I'll screw it up
by doing something stupid.

219
00:13:29,905 --> 00:13:33,200
That's crazy. You're the
smartest guy I ever dated.

220
00:13:34,033 --> 00:13:35,074
Come on.

221
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:37,311
Who taught me unicorns were extinct?

222
00:13:37,749 --> 00:13:40,085
I didn't want you to waste any
more time saving up for one.

223
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:43,156
Who taught me that 2% milk
is actually 100% milk?

224
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,669
- Me.
- See?

225
00:13:44,695 --> 00:13:48,025
They only think you're stupid 'cause you
haven't shown 'em how smart you are yet.

226
00:13:48,051 --> 00:13:51,388
What do you say, baby?
Should we prove 'em wrong?

227
00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:52,539
Let's do it.

228
00:13:54,957 --> 00:13:58,367
Who taught me there's actually
a calculator in my phone?

229
00:13:59,187 --> 00:14:01,062
Well, I did. Do you use it ?

230
00:14:01,290 --> 00:14:04,070
No, it's too hard, but it's
nice to know it's there.

231
00:14:09,343 --> 00:14:12,101
_

232
00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:17,609
Was the kiss less than spectacular?

233
00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:20,982
- Excuse me?
- Is that why you're pretending we didn't kiss?

234
00:14:21,008 --> 00:14:23,386
- Wait, what?
- 'Cause I'm out of practice.

235
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:25,991
I haven't voluntarily
kissed anyone in 26 years.

236
00:14:26,025 --> 00:14:28,110
- When did you guys kiss?
- We didn't.

237
00:14:28,445 --> 00:14:30,336
She's pretending it didn't happen.

238
00:14:31,164 --> 00:14:33,290
That's because she
doesn't believe in love.

239
00:14:33,316 --> 00:14:34,789
I believe in love.

240
00:14:34,815 --> 00:14:37,633
But that kiss that he's talking
about, it didn't happen.

241
00:14:37,765 --> 00:14:38,929
Fine.

242
00:14:41,836 --> 00:14:45,215
Goddammit. Rooster's gone rogue.

243
00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,479
Shit!

244
00:14:56,711 --> 00:14:59,124
They should be impressed that I
remember where the Congresswoman lives,

245
00:14:59,150 --> 00:15:00,812
but they're telling me to go home.

246
00:15:01,681 --> 00:15:03,600
I still don't think I can do this.

247
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,523
That's bullshit. You can do anything.

248
00:15:06,670 --> 00:15:10,218
Who taught me that Thanksgiving is
only a holiday in America and...

249
00:15:10,398 --> 00:15:12,104
What was the other place again?

250
00:15:12,130 --> 00:15:13,234
Turkey.

251
00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:17,834
Here she comes. Get down.

252
00:15:18,032 --> 00:15:21,578
I guess you can't threaten to put your foot
up Lindsey Graham's ass for a few weeks.

253
00:15:21,604 --> 00:15:24,023
Poor guy probably bleached and
waxed his hole for nothing.

254
00:15:24,172 --> 00:15:26,968
Funny, Collin. I was gonna give
you an after-lunch painkiller,

255
00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:29,278
but you just blew that little treat.

256
00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:35,116
Thanks for believing in me, baby.

257
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,380
Of course.

258
00:15:36,406 --> 00:15:39,272
This kinda reminds me of the
time when you told your mother

259
00:15:39,298 --> 00:15:41,450
that even though she
thought I was garbage,

260
00:15:41,476 --> 00:15:43,325
you knew I could still do great things.

261
00:15:43,351 --> 00:15:44,929
Remember what you said?

262
00:15:45,137 --> 00:15:49,078
It's called "garbage can,"
not "garbage cannot."

263
00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:13,890
Here we are. Chateau de Jean Michel.

264
00:16:13,916 --> 00:16:15,767
Jean Michel is his first name.

265
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:18,713
Duklon is his last name,
not whatever you said.

266
00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:20,522
You want one of us to go with you?

267
00:16:20,683 --> 00:16:22,821
Do I look like I need a chaperone?

268
00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:24,624
This ain't the damn prom.

269
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:27,033
Just be ready to take a few pictures.

270
00:16:27,532 --> 00:16:29,242
If this goes the way I hope,

271
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,075
it's gonna end up in
the wedding slideshow,

272
00:16:32,101 --> 00:16:34,713
accompanied by a Van Halen song.

273
00:16:34,838 --> 00:16:37,539
I'd tell you which one, but
I want it to be a surprise.

274
00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:40,041
Okay. Okay.

275
00:16:49,994 --> 00:16:52,916
Damn hip locked up! It just locked up!

276
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,424
I gotta wrestle this
bastard back into place.

277
00:16:58,778 --> 00:17:02,885
Cover your ears. The pop
can be a bit startling.

278
00:17:06,401 --> 00:17:07,424
Okay.

279
00:17:10,614 --> 00:17:11,994
Someone's here.

280
00:17:18,615 --> 00:17:21,627
Holy shit, he's beautiful.

281
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:23,451
And he's real.

282
00:17:23,613 --> 00:17:25,073
He's 100% real.

283
00:17:25,099 --> 00:17:28,274
- Well, just because...
- I'll admit it,

284
00:17:28,635 --> 00:17:30,992
I was terrified you guys were right.

285
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,784
That I was being tricked,

286
00:17:32,950 --> 00:17:37,417
and no one would ever love a
washed-up old woman like me.

287
00:17:38,005 --> 00:17:39,706
But someone does.

288
00:17:40,765 --> 00:17:42,141
He does.

289
00:17:43,404 --> 00:17:45,300
He loves me.

290
00:17:48,222 --> 00:17:50,779
Shit. We need to find a motel.

291
00:17:50,805 --> 00:17:51,931
- What?
- Why?

292
00:17:53,183 --> 00:17:55,422
You saw how amazing he looks.

293
00:17:55,448 --> 00:17:59,370
I can't show up smellin' like
the inside of a 1976 Pacer.

294
00:17:59,396 --> 00:18:02,664
And plus, until my hip
pops back into place,

295
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:04,815
I can't jump after he kisses me,

296
00:18:04,841 --> 00:18:08,065
so it's not gonna sync up with the
Van Halen song about jumping.

297
00:18:08,667 --> 00:18:10,181
What is that song called?

298
00:18:10,207 --> 00:18:11,041
- "Jump."
- "Jump."

299
00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:13,370
That's it! "Jump."

300
00:18:14,190 --> 00:18:17,667
Don't tell Rooster, I want someone
at the wedding to be surprised.

301
00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:21,315
Barb, don't take this the wrong
way, but you've looked a lot worse.

302
00:18:21,341 --> 00:18:23,675
- Just go out there.
- No way.

303
00:18:24,011 --> 00:18:26,539
I need to ice my hip, shower,

304
00:18:26,565 --> 00:18:28,315
and get a good night's sleep.

305
00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:32,836
And if there's a Marshalls nearby,
maybe pick up a sexy new blouse

306
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,000
and a sturdier bra.

307
00:18:34,026 --> 00:18:36,730
'Cause this one's startin'
to walk off the job.

308
00:18:37,110 --> 00:18:40,503
Holy shit. Rooster found Lucia.

309
00:18:51,044 --> 00:18:52,545
What'd they say?

310
00:18:52,644 --> 00:18:55,802
They sent an emoji fist bump and said
that Jack's gonna come back later

311
00:18:55,828 --> 00:18:58,914
to steal her mail so that we know
her last name for the fake ID.

312
00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:00,473
You did it!

313
00:19:00,499 --> 00:19:03,242
Victory blunt, victory blunt...

314
00:19:03,755 --> 00:19:06,237
It's a little messed up, though, 'cause...

315
00:19:06,714 --> 00:19:09,465
I feel like I just proved myself,

316
00:19:09,491 --> 00:19:11,994
and they still don't trust
me to get her last name.

317
00:19:13,894 --> 00:19:16,357
You thinking about stealing her mail?

318
00:19:17,018 --> 00:19:18,052
Nope.

319
00:19:18,459 --> 00:19:19,976
Something better.

320
00:19:20,613 --> 00:19:22,323
Stealing one of her kids?

321
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:24,209
No...

322
00:19:25,818 --> 00:19:29,794
What's the first thing that a cop wants
to look at when they pull you over?

323
00:19:30,287 --> 00:19:31,654
My titties.

324
00:19:32,283 --> 00:19:34,326
Well, no, after that.

325
00:19:36,668 --> 00:19:38,128
Your license.

326
00:19:39,243 --> 00:19:41,654
I'm gonna steal this lady's license.

327
00:19:42,989 --> 00:19:44,342
Cool.

328
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:52,691
Just give me a second.

329
00:19:52,717 --> 00:19:57,139
My husband took the face shield and
went out to get us some milkshakes.

330
00:19:57,420 --> 00:20:00,116
We only have two rooms available.

331
00:20:00,350 --> 00:20:03,865
Jack and I can share. That way,
you can get your beauty rest.

332
00:20:03,891 --> 00:20:05,904
I'm gonna get snacks from the machine.

333
00:20:08,948 --> 00:20:11,956
A woman doesn't volunteer
to share a room

334
00:20:11,982 --> 00:20:14,725
unless she's plannin' on gettin' laid.

335
00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:17,865
Good luck, stud.

336
00:20:28,647 --> 00:20:31,662
Have there been any changes
in the way people kiss

337
00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:34,248
in the last 26 years
that you're aware of?

338
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,315
Well, I've been hearing
a lot of chatter lately

339
00:20:38,341 --> 00:20:41,490
about people licking each
other's hiney-holes.

340
00:20:41,891 --> 00:20:43,791
Would you consider that kissing?

341
00:20:43,817 --> 00:20:44,985
I wouldn't.

342
00:20:45,068 --> 00:20:47,248
Me neither. So, no.

343
00:20:47,389 --> 00:20:50,108
I think kissing is still just kissing.

344
00:20:50,369 --> 00:20:51,818
Thank you.

345
00:21:16,841 --> 00:21:18,677
Did you push the beds together?

346
00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:21,263
No, they were like this.

347
00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:23,419
Must have been the last
people who stayed here.

348
00:21:32,737 --> 00:21:34,880
I can't figure you out, Gloria.

349
00:21:34,962 --> 00:21:36,927
Why won't you acknowledge our kiss?

350
00:21:39,169 --> 00:21:42,719
Because if we kissed, we'd be
talking about what it meant

351
00:21:42,745 --> 00:21:45,247
instead of concentrating on our
plan to steal millions of dollars

352
00:21:45,273 --> 00:21:46,526
from an evil Congresswoman.

353
00:21:46,552 --> 00:21:48,323
We'd lose focus and the
next thing you know,

354
00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:50,643
we'd be back in prison
talking through the toilet.

355
00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:52,760
That is why the kiss never happened

356
00:21:52,786 --> 00:21:54,564
and that is why we are
not sleeping together.

357
00:21:54,590 --> 00:21:56,175
Well, why are we sharing a room?

358
00:21:56,260 --> 00:21:57,794
Because we're not sleeping.

359
00:21:58,737 --> 00:22:02,379
We are gonna rob Jean Michel Dumbass
or whatever his real name is.

360
00:22:02,405 --> 00:22:05,825
What do you mean? He looked just like
his pictures. Better than the pictures.

361
00:22:05,851 --> 00:22:07,661
I gotta agree with Barb on this one.

362
00:22:07,888 --> 00:22:10,432
No one who looks like that
is in love with Barb.

363
00:22:10,458 --> 00:22:12,010
He may be using his own picture,

364
00:22:12,036 --> 00:22:14,669
but he's still asking
her to send him money.

365
00:22:14,695 --> 00:22:16,476
Did you see that gold
watch he was wearing?

366
00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:18,443
To be honest, my eyes
stopped at his biceps.

367
00:22:18,469 --> 00:22:21,404
I've been tryin' to figure how to get
mine to pop like that. It's so...

368
00:22:21,430 --> 00:22:22,941
We are stealing that watch.

369
00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:25,887
For our plan to work, I need a
fake ID that says I'm Lucia

370
00:22:25,913 --> 00:22:28,138
and selling that watch
should cover the cost.

371
00:22:29,427 --> 00:22:31,010
Can't we rob him tomorrow?

372
00:22:31,036 --> 00:22:34,036
After Barb talks to him and
we're 100% certain it's a scam?

373
00:22:34,062 --> 00:22:35,563
I'm already convinced.

374
00:22:35,589 --> 00:22:38,404
If we're gonna hit this guy,
we need to do it tonight.

375
00:22:39,968 --> 00:22:41,511
Hip's back in!

376
00:23:41,190 --> 00:23:44,006
He lives with his dad. His sick dad.
He wasn't lyin'.

377
00:23:44,167 --> 00:23:46,103
- I'm puttin' the watch back.
- No!

378
00:23:46,129 --> 00:23:48,706
- Yeah.
- No, listen. That doesn't prove anything.

379
00:23:48,732 --> 00:23:51,284
- Innocent until proven guilty.
- In what country?

380
00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:07,760
Hey, baby.

381
00:24:11,471 --> 00:24:12,785
Hey, you're early.

382
00:24:12,811 --> 00:24:16,416
Yeah, they sent me home. Covid's
got people scared to eat out.

383
00:24:18,426 --> 00:24:20,088
Well, I'm not scared.

384
00:24:36,524 --> 00:24:38,466
That's my spot, baby.

385
00:25:08,668 --> 00:25:10,003
That was...

386
00:25:10,259 --> 00:25:11,421
That was...

387
00:25:12,388 --> 00:25:13,811
quite the session.

388
00:25:13,939 --> 00:25:15,858
Herculean effort.

389
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,020
On a weeknight, too.

390
00:25:27,681 --> 00:25:29,766
Did he eat an energy
bar while she was...?

391
00:25:29,792 --> 00:25:31,391
I believe he did.

392
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,938
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

393
00:25:43,295 --> 00:25:46,389
- This didn't happen.
- Absolutely not.

394
00:25:46,587 --> 00:25:48,280
Oh, my God.

395
00:25:50,508 --> 00:25:51,795
Shit.

396
00:26:01,742 --> 00:26:03,134
Wakey, wakey!

397
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,476
Time to go surprise my man!

398
00:26:08,549 --> 00:26:11,031
Are we gonna tell her
what we saw last night?

399
00:26:15,797 --> 00:26:17,953
I'm gonna take that as a no.

400
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:26,664
There she is.

401
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:28,968
You got this, baby.

402
00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:07,356
Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

403
00:28:07,382 --> 00:28:08,796
I forgot about gravity.

404
00:28:08,822 --> 00:28:10,622
Why do I always forget about gravity?

405
00:28:14,237 --> 00:28:16,198
Rooster, it's okay.

406
00:28:16,224 --> 00:28:19,739
No, I should've quit while I was ahead.
Jack and Gloria were right. I'm a screwup!

407
00:28:20,259 --> 00:28:23,637
Yeah, well, I don't know if
they're gonna feel that way

408
00:28:23,663 --> 00:28:26,286
when you show them... this.

409
00:28:27,221 --> 00:28:28,514
You got it?

410
00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:32,439
When you smashed into her cart, the
stuff in her purse flew everywhere.

411
00:28:32,465 --> 00:28:35,426
I pretended to help clean up
and then I did the old...

412
00:28:35,492 --> 00:28:37,093
slip-it-into-the-tit.

413
00:28:37,181 --> 00:28:40,559
Same thing I do with dollar bills if
there are two dancers on the stage.

414
00:28:42,393 --> 00:28:45,063
What's wrong? You did it.

415
00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:46,567
No, I didn't.

416
00:28:47,510 --> 00:28:48,676
You did.

417
00:28:50,293 --> 00:28:52,189
Remember that Fourth of July

418
00:28:52,222 --> 00:28:54,682
when I spilled blue Slurpee
all over my white dress

419
00:28:54,708 --> 00:28:56,600
and then you dumped
your red Slurpee on me

420
00:28:56,626 --> 00:28:59,045
so it looked like I did it on purpose?

421
00:28:59,235 --> 00:29:00,293
Yeah.

422
00:29:00,762 --> 00:29:02,741
And when I had black
mold in my apartment

423
00:29:02,767 --> 00:29:04,560
'cause I left the tub running,

424
00:29:04,586 --> 00:29:07,524
who painted over it so I
wouldn't have to see it anymore?

425
00:29:07,550 --> 00:29:09,814
Me, but you don't even use it that much

426
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:11,672
'cause baths make you wheeze.

427
00:29:11,698 --> 00:29:15,542
My point is, I screw up sometimes, too.

428
00:29:15,794 --> 00:29:18,383
But you're always there
to catch me when I fall.

429
00:29:18,424 --> 00:29:20,301
That's why we're good for each other.

430
00:29:20,327 --> 00:29:22,618
Like oil and water, right?

431
00:29:22,688 --> 00:29:24,552
One's good for salad dressing

432
00:29:24,578 --> 00:29:27,038
and one's good for cleaning
up salad dressing.

433
00:29:27,064 --> 00:29:28,758
They work together.

434
00:29:30,071 --> 00:29:32,029
You're pretty smart, too, Wiggles.

435
00:29:32,055 --> 00:29:33,272
We both are.

436
00:29:33,413 --> 00:29:35,123
Except for when we're not.

437
00:29:35,149 --> 00:29:38,219
We just need to make sure that we
don't screw up at the same time.

438
00:29:42,964 --> 00:29:46,235
Baby, I don't think this is my car.

439
00:29:57,946 --> 00:29:59,538
Oh, my Lord.

440
00:30:06,289 --> 00:30:07,613
How do I look?

441
00:30:08,474 --> 00:30:09,684
They even?

442
00:30:11,535 --> 00:30:13,379
Identical twins.

443
00:30:18,947 --> 00:30:20,125
Hey!

444
00:30:24,552 --> 00:30:25,907
Hey!

445
00:30:28,253 --> 00:30:29,511
Can I help you?

446
00:30:29,537 --> 00:30:30,746
It's me.

447
00:30:31,837 --> 00:30:34,291
You didn't zoom in on
the pictures, did you?

448
00:30:34,375 --> 00:30:36,962
You were wrong. He didn't
zoom in on the pictures.

449
00:30:38,091 --> 00:30:39,876
Hey!

450
00:30:40,216 --> 00:30:41,399
I'm sorry. Who are you?

451
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:45,188
Barb. It's Barb.

452
00:30:46,485 --> 00:30:47,993
Je swiss Barb.

453
00:30:48,196 --> 00:30:50,849
- I'm sorry, ma'am. I think you're confused.
- Ma'am?

454
00:30:51,711 --> 00:30:53,298
But it's me.

455
00:30:53,959 --> 00:30:55,751
Your little honeysuckle.

456
00:30:55,851 --> 00:30:56,907
My what?

457
00:30:56,933 --> 00:30:58,779
Hey, asshole. It's over, all right?

458
00:30:58,805 --> 00:31:01,654
Just admit you've been scamming her
so she can get on with her life.

459
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:03,639
Gloria, leave him alone.

460
00:31:03,665 --> 00:31:05,152
I think he has amnesia.

461
00:31:05,178 --> 00:31:07,298
He doesn't even have his accent anymore.

462
00:31:07,555 --> 00:31:10,327
Sweetie, did you hit your head recently?

463
00:31:10,411 --> 00:31:11,412
No.

464
00:31:11,594 --> 00:31:13,831
See? He doesn't even
remember hitting his head.

465
00:31:13,914 --> 00:31:17,118
Hey, buddy, what you're doin' isn't cool.
Just be honest with her.

466
00:31:17,144 --> 00:31:18,508
Hey, what's goin' on, baby?

467
00:31:18,611 --> 00:31:19,696
Baby?

468
00:31:21,329 --> 00:31:22,798
Hell no.

469
00:31:22,824 --> 00:31:24,701
I don't know what's goin' on,
but I'm callin' the cops.

470
00:31:24,842 --> 00:31:27,743
Seriously? You're gonna use the same
phone she sent you to call the cops?

471
00:31:27,769 --> 00:31:29,013
That's a dick move, bro.

472
00:31:29,039 --> 00:31:31,709
What are you talkin' about? I bought
him that phone for his birthday.

473
00:31:31,735 --> 00:31:35,787
Soon as I get my shoulder warmed
up, it is go-time, bitch.

474
00:31:35,813 --> 00:31:39,774
Okay, when I find your name in her
contacts and call that phone,

475
00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:41,719
it's not gonna ring, right?

476
00:31:45,422 --> 00:31:47,664
- Bonjour, mon amour.
- Bonjour, mon amour.

477
00:31:55,612 --> 00:31:57,946
Are you there, honeysuckle?

478
00:31:58,748 --> 00:32:03,294
I'm looking out upon the
Champs-Elysees and thinking of you.

479
00:32:03,393 --> 00:32:04,758
Really?

480
00:32:06,147 --> 00:32:07,485
Barb?

481
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:11,290
No. No, no. It's too soon. It's too soon.
I'm not ready.

482
00:32:24,858 --> 00:32:27,240
_

483
00:32:52,433 --> 00:32:55,316
_

484
00:33:08,051 --> 00:33:09,981
_

485
00:33:23,432 --> 00:33:25,636
_

486
00:34:00,921 --> 00:34:02,762
I fell in love the moment I saw you.

487
00:34:02,788 --> 00:34:05,856
But since I used my son's picture, I
was too scared to tell you the truth.

488
00:34:05,882 --> 00:34:09,132
I knew that if you ever saw me
in person, it would all end.

489
00:34:10,186 --> 00:34:11,729
But then you started sending me money.

490
00:34:11,755 --> 00:34:13,575
Wait, you didn't ask her for money?

491
00:34:13,601 --> 00:34:15,543
No, she just sent it.

492
00:34:15,569 --> 00:34:18,531
And I was going to send it
back, but then I thought,

493
00:34:18,557 --> 00:34:20,848
"What if I used your money

494
00:34:20,874 --> 00:34:23,305
to give you everything
you've dreamed of?"

495
00:34:23,608 --> 00:34:25,390
I used to look like John Michael.

496
00:34:25,701 --> 00:34:28,055
I thought maybe I could turn back time.

497
00:34:28,081 --> 00:34:30,895
I started buying
testosterone pills, HGH,

498
00:34:30,921 --> 00:34:33,129
following Tom Brady's meal plan.

499
00:34:33,155 --> 00:34:35,970
The guy won't let you
eat a tomato, Barb.

500
00:34:36,241 --> 00:34:38,413
And I really want a tomato.

501
00:34:39,609 --> 00:34:41,095
But I want you more.

502
00:34:41,241 --> 00:34:44,093
I feel like there's too many people
in this room for all the Covid stuff.

503
00:34:44,119 --> 00:34:46,017
Maybe we should move this outside.

504
00:34:46,043 --> 00:34:47,554
Every penny you ever sent me,

505
00:34:47,580 --> 00:34:50,605
I invested in trying to
make your dreams come true.

506
00:34:50,631 --> 00:34:52,679
I even started hair transplants.

507
00:34:52,705 --> 00:34:55,886
You only send me a couple of hundred a
month, so I had to do it in installments,

508
00:34:55,912 --> 00:34:57,859
but I think it's starting
to look pretty good.

509
00:35:00,502 --> 00:35:03,179
Barb, the pictures weren't me.

510
00:35:03,883 --> 00:35:05,249
The emails,

511
00:35:05,671 --> 00:35:07,804
- sexting...
- Oh, God.

512
00:35:07,830 --> 00:35:11,292
all the late-night phone
calls, those were me.

513
00:35:11,555 --> 00:35:14,273
Every time I said I
love you, I meant it.

514
00:35:15,762 --> 00:35:17,382
I love you, Barb.

515
00:35:21,105 --> 00:35:23,343
Let me see the top of your head again.

516
00:35:28,008 --> 00:35:31,882
Yeah. No, it's not gonna happen, buddy.

517
00:35:40,718 --> 00:35:43,308
I found this outside on the sidewalk.

518
00:35:43,392 --> 00:35:45,710
I don't know. Maybe you know.

519
00:36:05,679 --> 00:36:08,091
As pathetic as that guy was,

520
00:36:08,569 --> 00:36:11,302
he really did love me, didn't he?

521
00:36:12,574 --> 00:36:14,201
He sure did, Barb.

522
00:36:14,698 --> 00:36:16,867
He was just afraid to tell the truth.

523
00:36:17,902 --> 00:36:21,552
He knew you were out of his league,
so he lied just to stay in the game.

524
00:36:21,870 --> 00:36:23,470
So he'd have any chance at all.

525
00:36:23,496 --> 00:36:25,457
It doesn't mean he
didn't care about you.

526
00:36:26,113 --> 00:36:28,769
If anything, it shows that he did.

527
00:36:29,598 --> 00:36:32,997
When the hair comes in,
maybe he won't be so bad.

528
00:36:33,419 --> 00:36:37,029
Maybe, but you need to
start seeing Stan first.

529
00:36:37,112 --> 00:36:39,036
We need to focus on the plan.

530
00:36:41,034 --> 00:36:44,302
What about after the plan? What's
gonna happen after the plan?

531
00:36:45,018 --> 00:36:46,190
I guess...

532
00:36:46,698 --> 00:36:50,735
if we get through all of this
and end up millionaires,

533
00:36:51,114 --> 00:36:52,628
then, yeah...

534
00:36:52,654 --> 00:36:55,240
if she decides she wants
to give it a shot...

535
00:36:55,266 --> 00:36:57,318
maybe there's a future there.

536
00:36:57,752 --> 00:36:59,128
Maybe.

537
00:37:00,503 --> 00:37:02,421
You guys screwed, didn't you?

538
00:37:02,591 --> 00:37:04,714
Nope. Didn't happen.

539
00:37:09,055 --> 00:37:11,542
Well, today is full of surprises.

540
00:37:12,247 --> 00:37:14,373
Rooster got Lucia's license.

541
00:37:14,399 --> 00:37:15,956
Hot damn!

542
00:37:17,105 --> 00:37:23,971
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