_
What's going on with you and Jack?
Rooster told me you guys had a thing in prison.
Well, we just used to talk to each other through the toilet.
And turns out, he was lying to me the whole time.
I gotta say, I thought you were crazy, but you were right.
It feels good.
Yeah. Sure does.
What's your name?
Rooster.
Rooster. Exotic.
Don't be puttin' no toenails in there, tryin' to get a free dog again.
Nah, it's an engagement ring.
You need to make a choice.
Do you want a mother or whatever this trash calls herself?
I'm sorry.
You made your choice and you chose Mommy.
I love you, Wiggles Rosenstein.
Rooster.
That's a Claude van Woodson.
It's probably worth half a million dollars if we can get our hands on it.
What do you say, Jack?
Crooked politician lying to the people while she cashes in?
Bad enough for ya?
See these security cameras inside her house?
We tap into her Wi-Fi and we get 24-hour surveillance inside her home.
And the house can air out all weekend while no one's here.
- I'm done! - They're goin' away for the weekend.
We're gonna be rich!
- When do you think he'll be here? - Soon, I hope.
You were right, though.
A few days ago when you said
you were worried about someone screwin' this whole thing up.
Well, we still have time. There's no reason to panic.
Clock is tickin' on this thing, though.
I mean, figuratively.
It doesn't tick at all, does it?
_
Would you like to be accompanied when you go to the phone store?
Sure, I'll be down in a sec.
- Are you makin' a bomb? - It's a fizzy water machine.
I'll make you one, but be warned,
I prefer my carbonation sharp.
Like the devil dancin' on my tongue.
Maybe later.
Gloria and I are gonna walk to the phone store.
If we're gonna hit the Congresswoman's house Saturday,
we're all gonna need to be able to communicate.
So it takes two people to go to the phone store, does it?
- Is this a date? - No, it's not.
I just wanted to see the inside of a phone store.
Why? Did she say something to you?
Told me she saw you naked through the bullet hole in the twins' bedroom.
Said you got abs.
Kinda.
Let's hit it.
She also said your nipples are nicely placed.
Have fun, lovebirds.
Here. I put all of our numbers in your phone.
If you wanna call Barb, press "Barb."
If you wanna call me, press "Gloria."
- If you wanna call Rooster... - Wait, wait, let me guess.
Sorry, I'm just used to having to spell it all out for Barb and Rooster.
Yeah, I hear ya. They're an interesting pair, those two.
The other day, I had to explain that there's no cotton in cotton candy.
Took a good chunk of the afternoon
and ended with all of us tasting a little bit of lint from the dryer.
I just hope they don't screw it up.
Maybe you and I should be the ones to go into the Congresswoman's and grab the painting.
They should just sit in the car and pretend to be lookouts or something.
That sounds good.
We also need to pick up some maps
and find a good parking place where we can sneak in from the back way.
We don't need maps. You have maps on your phone.
Really? How do you...?
You just press "maps," right? Right.
There is one other thing I wanted to ask you.
Coronavirus, which is said to be caused by a bat,
is just the latest in a long line of infectious diseases caused by animals.
You didn't let me finish.
Didn't need to. It's not gonna happen.
Did you fall?
Gas bubble.
- It's not that big a deal, Jack. - Maybe not to you.
Additionally, the West Nile virus, rabies, Lyme disease,
Rocky Mountain...
The more news I watch, the more I'm startin' to see the light.
Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Mad Cow,
now this bat disease...
Those kooky ass vegans might be on to something.
Maybe we should just eat vegetables and kill all the animals.
I mean, eat the ones we have, of course, but, you know,
just stop makin' more chickens and shit.
You're overreacting, Jack.
Overreacting?
You asked if I could get my mother to paint a forgery.
We need one for the job, and you said your mother could paint.
I am just exploring our options.
Here.
- I already have a phone. - A flip phone.
It takes you 20 minutes to type a text.
That's only because the bottom row is broken
and it takes me a while to figure out
how to respond without the letters P through Z.
We're gonna need P through Z, Barb. We're gonna need P through Z.
This is a big job. It has to be perfect.
Which is why we need your mom to make a copy of the painting.
Why do we need a painting if we're stealing a painting?
Because if we can replace this one with a fake,
no one will realize the real one is gone.
That looks like Stretch Armstrong and his wife doing it underwater.
- I'll paint that shit. - It's a lot more difficult than you think.
Which is why we need someone who can paint.
I'm not implicating my mother in a crime.
Why not? My mother's implicated.
If she does a good job, no one will even know a crime was committed
unless they try to sell the painting, like, 20 years from now.
Did you hear that? Twenty years.
How old's your mother?
Seventy-six, I think.
Seventy-six?
- Do I need to say it? - You don't need to say it.
- You know what I'm talkin' about, though, right? - We know what you're talking about.
'Cause I don't wanna say it, but in 20 years... probably less.
- Does she smoke? - We get it, Barb.
She's gonna be dead, that's all I'm sayin'.
- Can't you find someone else? - There's no time.
If we miss this window, it'll take us months before we find another opportunity.
Did you hear that? Months.
How old's your father?
Damn it.
Fine.
How do you take a picture with this thing?
- You just press... - The camera. I see it.
All right.
Somebody needs to stand on my back and put some pressure on this bubble.
I'm fillin' up like a balloon.
Rooster, go pop your mother.
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I don't know. I thought it might be cool, but if you don't have time...
Are you kidding? I'd love to.
And from the picture you sent, the painting looks fun.
What a thoughtful birthday gift for your girlfriend.
She loves art and you love to paint, so it's...
What's Dad doing back there?
Trying to listen to Marty Shafferman on the fourth floor.
Your dad's gone a little buggy ever since they stopped letting us
out of our rooms because of the virus.
I just heard my name and the word "prance."
I don't prance! I have plantar fasciitis!
What does this Marty guy have against Dad?
Marty Shafferman died five months ago.
Your father just needs to get outside again.
We all do.
And don't worry.
I'll get that painting to you lickety-split.
Hop off, hop off! I don't think this is workin'.
One of you might have to yell "boo"
and scare this bubble out of me hiccup-style.
So, how much you think we'll pocket after we sell this painting?
My fence usually charges 20% of the value,
but we haven't figured out the final details yet.
Mom's in. She said she can paint it lickety-split.
That's great.
I found an art store in San Diego that can drop off the canvas.
I'll have FedEx pick it up after she's done.
Your mom said "lickety-split"?
Yeah, it means do something quickly.
You sure about that?
'Cause I thought it was slang for goin' down on a lady.
You know, 'cause you lick the...
That is absolutely not what it means.
Agree to disagree.
I need a credit card for the shipping. Barb?
- I don't have a credit card. - How do you not have a credit card?
Because I'm not a sucker who buys things they can't afford
just to pay interest for the rest of my life.
I have a debit card, but my account's empty.
Then we have to put money in it.
I don't really wanna go to the bank.
Hey, could we use Western Union?
That's how I send cash to my online lover,
- Jean Michel Duklon. - We don't have time.
There are a lot of moving pieces and everyone needs to chip in,
so get your cash. We're going to the bank.
Mom nailed it.
Gloria, come look at this.
Getting out of the shower. I'll be down in a sec.
It looks just like the real thing.
Until you look at the back.
_
- _ - Shit.
Why would she do that?
I had to tell her something, so I said it was a birthday gift.
For someone you love and wanna give X's and O's to.
I'm not in love with...
Gloria's gonna know that I had to say something.
I mean, I guess it's complicated because in prison we kinda...
- Is it gonna be weird? It's weird, isn't it? - You're making it weird.
Relax, I got some white paint in the garage
from when I painted my own crosswalk in front of the post office.
- I'll fix it. - All right.
It came? How did it come out?
Great. Perfect. Almost perfect.
It's a little dusty,
so Barb's giving it a once-over with the leaf blower.
Wait, hold on. While Barb's doing that,
you and I should take this box outside
and make sure the painting's gonna fit in the car.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Oh, God.
Where's the Pacer?
Rooster.
Go for Rooster.
_
Shit!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Melvin's in jail and I'm not.
That's fate telling us that we need to get married.
Melvin's in jail because you set him up. He told me.
That's not true.
We just needed him to think that because...
Well, I can't tell you what the truth is,
but the truth is not the truth that you think the truth is.
And that's the truth.
Are you saying the word "truth" a lot?
'Cause if you're not, I think I have to go to the urgent care.
Nah, I-I said truth a lot.
It's starting to confuse me a little too.
Baby, please.
I love you.
All right, if you knew what I was doing next week,
I know that you would take me back.
What are you doing?
They said I can't tell you.
That's the problem.
You need to be the Rooster who cock-a-doodle-does
when everyone tells you cock-a-doodle-don't.
If you didn't listen to your mother, we would still be together.
I gotta go. Just leave me alone, okay?
I need to be with a man who isn't afraid to think for himself.
Just leave me alone, okay? I need to be with a man...
Wait, did I already say that?
I can't tell what I'm thinking and what I'm saying.
Yeah, you already said it.
Did I say that my titties itch?
No.
- You didn't let me finish. - Didn't need to.
It's not happening.
- Did you fall? - Gas bubble.
- It's not that big a deal, Jack. - Maybe not to you.
Hey, do you know anything about girls?
Only teenage girls. That sounded creepy.
I just mean the last time I had a real girlfriend, I was in high school. You know?
God, that's like needles.
Hey, don't tell my mom,
but I asked Wiggles to marry me and she said no.
Are you sure I can't tell Wiggles about the Congresswoman job?
- Because if she knew I was gonna be rich... - Rooster...
Fine, I won't say anything.
Hey, do you think she'd like it if I sang her a song?
Do you sing?
Just in the shower and I'm terrible.
Well, I would definitely not sing her a song. How about a poem?
A poem's not the way to go. I don't know how to rhyme, bro.
- You're overreacting, Jack. - Overreacting?
You asked if I could get my mother to paint a forgery.
_
Hey, Rooster. Do you know how...?
You going somewhere?
The Itsy Bitsy.
Since you won't let me tell Wiggles I'm gonna be rich, I've been doin' some Googlin',
this site called wikiHow.
I think it's, like, doctors and scientists and shit.
They said that the best way to get Wiggles back
is to look handsome and to act like I don't like her.
Looking handsome is easy,
but it's not in my nature to be mean to the woman I love.
Hey, wait. Do you know how to find a flower shop on this thing?
Never had a cell phone before. It's cool, but I'm a little lost.
Thank you.
My mom started the painting today
and I wanna get her a little something to thank her.
It keeps asking if I'll accept cookies,
but she's diabetic, so no can do.
Good Christ!
That's what a phone is for.
You can find a flower shop in the Yellow Pages.
This is different than what I've seen before.
Yeah, pornography's come a long way in the last 26 years.
Do they have movies with just two people the same age
and not step-relatives?
Maybe you've been locked up too long to dive back into the deep end.
Grab some cash and come with me. We'll dip your toes in.
_
I thought they had to close this place down because of Covid.
The owner uses that party bus at night to fly under the radar
of the county's health and safety inspector,
and recently figured out a way to keep everyone inside the club safe.
Hamster ball. Smart.
Right?
Almost all great inventions were created to help men look at half-naked women:
movie cameras, magazines, windows...
Leon, I need a new ball.
Some dude had car keys in his pocket.
What are you doing here? I told you to stay away for me.
I think.
Well, I'm not here for you, boo.
I'm just here to spend a little quality time
with some ladies I haven't already seen naked a thousand times.
Hey, yo, what up, Jasmine!
Meet me in the VIP closet!
I hate this.
You lookin' to spend some of that cash, dumplin'?
You're not goin' back to the bikini bar again, are you?
We need the Pacer for that job later tonight.
Yeah, I know, I'll be back.
Wiggles is playin' hard to get. Yesterday, she rolled the new girl over to me.
I'm gonna take one more run at tryin' to make her jealous, but if it doesn't work,
I might have to do what you told me not to.
Wait, Rooster! Hey, don't tell Wiggles about the Congresswoman!
- Ladies. - Hi there.
Dogs.
We're closed.
Why?
We ran out of the big plastic balls, so we can't dance until we get more.
Okay, well, guess I gotta go chase down that party bus
so I can look at another woman dance slowly in beachwear.
I know you're trying to make me jealous, Rooster. I'm not stupid.
All the girls tell me you look at a picture of me on your phone
when they dance for you.
You really think this would work?
Scientists on the internet said it would.
Of course.
Always letting other people tell you what to do.
All right, fine.
You want me to think for myself? Well, I wanted to do something all week
that I haven't done because somebody told me not to.
Screw it.
Here it goes...
? I don't quite know ?
? How to say ?
? How I feel ?
You can sing?
Can I?
It sounds awful in my head.
If I knew how to rhyme, I'd do a poem instead.
No, no, don't stop. It's beautiful.
? Those three words ?
? I said too much ?
? They're not enough ?
? If I lay here ?
? If I just lay here ?
? Would you lie with me and just forget the world? ?
Yes. Yes.
I'll lay with you forever.
Go for Rooster.
I'm here!
Sorry. My evening took a bit of a turn.
Gotta take a quick rinse.
Got a little, romance on me.
Damn. That actually looks pretty good.
- I know, right? - It's perfect.
Front and back.
"Happy birthday, Gloria. Love, Jack."
Shit. It's gonna need a second coat.
Screwed the pooch on that one. My bad.
I had to tell my mother something, so I told her it was your birthday.
- I don't know why she would... - It's fine.
- Seriously, I don't know why she... - I said, it's fine.
I don't care what your mother put on the painting, okay? I just...
I just get nervous before a job.
_
Would you like to be accompanied when you go to the phone store?
Sure, I'll be down in a sec.
Sorry, hands are wet. I had to answer with my nose.
This is a surprise. I thought you were in prison.
Got out early. I need to sell a painting.
Well, this isn't a great time for me to talk.
Okay, but I need a counterfeiter,
so do you know anyone that could...?
They're an interesting pair, those two.
- The other day, I had to explain that - _
- there's no cotton in cotton candy. - _
- Better chunk of the afternoon - _
and ended with all of us tasting a little bit of lint from the dryer.
There are a lot of moving pieces and everyone needs to chip in,
so get your cash. We're going to the bank.
_
Barb! Hello there. Looking lovely as always.
Hello, Stan.
This is why I don't go to the bank.
Think of Jean Michel.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay. - _
Hey, man, sorry to keep bothering you, but I need...
You need to stop calling me.
Hey, do you have any apples that aren't so squishy?
Wait, why can't I call you?
How did you get out of prison so early?
Covid. Why?
Well, in my experience, if someone gets out of prison early, they made a deal with the cops.
Not that I'd have anything to worry about, 'cause I run an honest business.
You know I'd never work with the cops.
James, James, you are the only guy I know that can move this kind of painting
and I am in the middle of a job with a crew that I am barely keeping together.
Two idiots and one guy who's gonna think I'm an idiot
if I don't have everything lined up. Please.
It was lovely catching up. What does the word "less" mean to you?
- Damn it! - Debit card's loaded up.
Stan was so boring to talk to,
even the gas bubble needed to escape. Let's go.
Sorry about the ticket.
I don't care. Car's registered to my grandmother.
If the county wants 27 bucks, they can go dig her up.
Gloria, come take a look at this.
I'm getting out of the shower. Be down in a sec.
James, I know you are getting these messages.
You've gotta believe me, I'm not a rat.
We're doing this job tonight
and I really don't wanna tell these people that I can't come through.
I need you for this.
Look, I'll even go 50-50 this time.
Just call me. Please.
Why do you keep lookin' at your phone?
'Cause it's 2020, Jack. That's where people look.
Shit. What's this now?
That house right there.
This isn't good.
Where's Barb?
- Who? - Who?
- The bitch who lives here. - Okay, let's settle down.
Would you mind working with me on this?
I'm trying to keep the temperature to simmer.
Yeah. Sorry.
She called her Barb and we call her Barbara,
- so I wasn't... - Second coat should do it.
- I got some snacks for the... - There she is.
_
It's SodaStream time! Just got an email. It's been delivered.
Barb.
Really dig those ham-hock toes in there, Rooster.
We need to force this bubble
to pick a direction and head towards a hole.
Think of Jean Michel.
Haven't seen you in here for a while.
Yeah, well, there's a virus killin' people, Stan,
so I'm tryin' to avoid unnecessary errands.
Just makin' a quick deposit.
Take your break, Mike. I got this one.
Barb's a VVIP and VVIP's get the manager.
How you doin'?
- Don't you have a machine for that? - I don't trust it.
Have you tried the acai bowl place on Maple?
They expanded their outdoor dining out into the parking lot.
If you wanna go sometime, I could grab one of Mom's placards,
get us a handicap spot.
So?
Bubbles.
Porch pirate! You stole my SodaStream!
I'm sorry, your soda what?
SodaStream!
Ma'am, would you mind if we search the house?
Wait, are you talking about one of those machines
that makes the fizzy water?
Yes! A SodaStream!
Okay, that's my bad. It was on our porch.
I just assumed. I didn't read the label.
They must have delivered it to the wrong house.
I think somebody owes me an apology.
Officer, could you hand me my shoe?
Eat shit, Barb.
I wanna press charges for that.
Well, that worked out.
I pissed off Sylvia and I'm halfway to a new pair of shoes.
Thank God.
Okay, so I've done some research.
The Covid thing seems to check out
and you wet my whistle with the 50-50 proposal, so...
Hey, thanks for work with me on this.
I run a legitimate business!
You guys probably thought I would be the one to screw this whole thing up.
But see, everything's fine.
Excuse me.
Whose car is this?
We're gonna have to find another vehicle
or we're gonna miss the window to steal this painting.
Maybe we should wait then.
Wait? We're not waiting.
I already told Jean Michel that I had a big surprise for him
and if it's not that I'm stinkin' rich,
I'm gonna have to dye my pubes purple or something.
Well, I'm just saying, since we're not prepared,
because Barb hasn't paid her parking tickets,
then we should just delay it.
Screw that! We're gettin' rich tonight!
Can't we steal a car like we did when we robbed Melvin?
Not knowing what we know now about this virus.
I mean, if the windows were up,
there could be a whole Covid cloud sealed up in there.
The most important thing is our health and safety.
Health and safety.
I think I know where we can get a vehicle.
What the hell?
No hop-ons, man.
I am not a customer.
I am from the County Health and Safety Office
and I am afraid I'm gonna have to confiscate
this illegal mobile bikini bus.
Shit.
Barb, stop that.
We're here.
It's gonna take me and Gloria a few minutes to walk through the woods,
another ten minutes or so to break in and make the switch.
Rooster, take a picture of me on this pole.
I wanna send it to Jean Michel Duklon.
Back up.
Jean Michel's never seen a picture of me from closer than 20 feet away.
Put a friendly distance between me and the lens.
All right, now, keep your eyes on the road.
If anyone stops or the cops drive by, text me and...
Shit, I gotta take this.
Hey, Mom.
Did your girlfriend like the painting?
Loved it. Sorry I didn't call. It's been a busy day.
Hurry up or we'll miss our turn.
- Hi, Jack. - Hi, Dad.
Your dad's anxious to go downstairs.
We're allowed to go outside and visit our friends again.
You're kidding. That's fantastic.
_
What is Dad doin'?
Your dad's gone a little buggy
ever since they stopped letting us out of our rooms because of the virus.
Your father just needs to get outside again. We all do.
Mom started the painting today.
I'm gonna send her a little something to thank her.
You lookin' to spend some of that cash, dumplin'?
Actually, I'm lookin' to spend all of it.
How much to get you out of that thing?
They don't know who sent them,
but wait until you see this.
Someone sent a bunch of giant balls to the retirement home.
Isn't it wonderful?
Your father and I already took a turn this morning.
And the balls are so festive.
Some of them have glitter and they all smell like vanilla.
Fancy.
Marty Shafferman is dead.
My condolences.
He was a nice guy.
Had a lot of great pictures of Flagstaff.
See? All better.
I'm just gonna pop the iTablet up on the windowsill so you can watch us.
Just hang up when you get bored. Love you.
Love you too.
We should go.
Okay.
When you were in prison, did you know any fences?
Yeah, four big ones that surrounded the place.
I'm serious.
I don't know. I had a cellmate who was in for selling stolen jewelry.
I'm sure he knew people who'd buy it.
You, remember that guy's name?
What's goin' on?
My fence thinks I'm working with the cops because I got out early.
- We don't have a fence? - I know.
- I know. I screwed up. I screwed up. Okay? - All right.
Goddamn Barb and her fizzy water.
I was so close too.
See, this is why I work alone.
'Cause when I'm in control of everything, you know, this doesn't happen.
- This never happened. It doesn't happen. - Okay. Okay, calm down.
Try those breathing techniques you said you were practicing before your parole hearing.
No, no, no, you don't get to bring up shit that we talked about in prison.
- You are not allowed. - Yeah, yeah, I lied about who I was.
Well, I think we might be even now.
We are not even. This is nothing compared to that.
- You played with my heart. - And you're playing with my life.
You said you had a plan.
We should call it off. We should just call it off.
Call it off? No, no, no, no, no.
You said yourself, you need this money to get me my new identity.
Do you know anybody with half a million dollars that likes stolen art? Because I don't.
So, we'll figure that out.
Maybe my guy in prison has a lead.
Or together you and I could think of a way
to convince your guy that you're not a rat.
Somehow, we'll fix this. I promise.
There hasn't been anything you and I haven't been able to figure out yet.
We'll get through this.
Okay.
Come on, let's go.
Next time there's a problem, just tell me.
I know you're used to working alone, but we're supposed to be a team.
Yeah, I know.
What the hell?
Somebody beat us to it.
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