1
00:00:00,054 --> 00:00:01,716
_

2
00:00:01,742 --> 00:00:04,463
Governor's letting out a
bunch of non-violent inmates

3
00:00:04,489 --> 00:00:07,659
because of the coronavirus, and
you dumbasses are two of them.

4
00:00:07,685 --> 00:00:09,109
What'd you get locked up for?

5
00:00:09,135 --> 00:00:11,540
Credit card cloning, identity theft,

6
00:00:11,566 --> 00:00:14,278
conspiracy to commit wire fraud, and...

7
00:00:14,304 --> 00:00:15,570
wire fraud.

8
00:00:15,610 --> 00:00:16,851
At least you follow through.

9
00:00:16,877 --> 00:00:19,976
If one of you snores, you might
want to plug up the bullet holes.

10
00:00:20,002 --> 00:00:22,562
After dinner, we visit Melvin's place

11
00:00:22,588 --> 00:00:24,400
and steal us some toilet paper.

12
00:00:24,426 --> 00:00:26,515
We're gonna steal more than
toilet paper, though, right?

13
00:00:26,549 --> 00:00:27,995
You said he got paid in cash?

14
00:00:28,021 --> 00:00:29,488
Those politicians you mentioned

15
00:00:29,514 --> 00:00:31,974
who were dumping stocks while
lying about the virus?

16
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,925
Turns out, one of them's
from around here.

17
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,786
Congresswoman Tackleberry.

18
00:00:35,812 --> 00:00:38,330
Check it out. That's a
Claude Van Woodsen.

19
00:00:38,356 --> 00:00:41,140
It's probably worth half a million
dollars if we can get our hands on it.

20
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:43,043
We're not robbing any congresswoman.

21
00:00:43,069 --> 00:00:44,670
I don't wanna be doing
any of this bullshit.

22
00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:47,959
The state won't allow me to hire a
teacher with a felony drug conviction.

23
00:00:47,985 --> 00:00:50,301
- Wait. What?
- What if you could be a teacher after we're done?

24
00:00:50,327 --> 00:00:52,110
I told you they won't
let me be a teacher.

25
00:00:52,136 --> 00:00:55,139
So, stop being you. I can get
you a brand new identity.

26
00:00:55,165 --> 00:00:57,458
I just need you for a few weeks first.

27
00:00:57,484 --> 00:00:59,727
See these security cameras
inside her house?

28
00:00:59,753 --> 00:01:01,880
They're everywhere. We
tap into her Wi-Fi,

29
00:01:01,906 --> 00:01:04,687
and we got 24-hour
surveillance inside her home.

30
00:01:04,713 --> 00:01:06,416
You guys, we're in.

31
00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,445
The Real Housewife of Congressional
District 10 is on the air.

32
00:01:09,471 --> 00:01:11,947
Why do yo have a picture
of Rooster's pecker?

33
00:01:11,973 --> 00:01:14,109
I'm sorry. Who's pecker is that?!

34
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:18,843
Show me your pecker.

35
00:01:22,497 --> 00:01:25,140
You got some explaining
to do, Cinderella.

36
00:03:03,334 --> 00:03:06,336
Come on, man. My hand's
startin' to hurt.

37
00:03:07,309 --> 00:03:10,582
Melvin stop. He doesn't respond to pain.

38
00:03:10,608 --> 00:03:13,649
One Halloween he didn't have a costume,
and he made me stab him in the shoulder

39
00:03:13,675 --> 00:03:16,618
with that little pocket knife
he keeps in his back pocket.

40
00:03:19,641 --> 00:03:21,327
This little rinky-dink thing.

41
00:03:21,353 --> 00:03:23,587
Where you get this from?
A gumball machine?

42
00:03:24,428 --> 00:03:27,844
Look, I know you robbed me, bro.
You left a picture of your dick.

43
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:29,938
Just tell me who helped you.

44
00:03:30,309 --> 00:03:31,936
Your mother helped me.

45
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:35,032
And it ain't my dick. It's hers.

46
00:03:40,603 --> 00:03:42,798
Wiggles, you want some
coffee and donut holes?

47
00:03:42,907 --> 00:03:45,180
I'm too tired for coffee.

48
00:03:45,236 --> 00:03:48,868
I'll take a Kool-Aid.
Put it in my fun cup.

49
00:03:49,212 --> 00:03:50,898
Why are you with this guy?

50
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:55,040
He's an asshole, and his house
smells like a can of tennis balls.

51
00:03:55,066 --> 00:03:57,279
Actually, that's him, not the house.

52
00:03:57,305 --> 00:04:00,840
He has a unique musk, but I'm
willing to overlook that.

53
00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:04,561
I wanna have a daughter while I'm still
young enough to do fun stuff with her

54
00:04:04,587 --> 00:04:08,207
like going to waterparks
and/or taking mushrooms.

55
00:04:08,233 --> 00:04:11,059
So, have a baby with me. I love babies!

56
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:14,024
Every time I see one in the grocery
store, I make funny faces,

57
00:04:14,050 --> 00:04:16,177
and they usually make funny faces back.

58
00:04:16,319 --> 00:04:18,446
You get arrested too much.

59
00:04:18,472 --> 00:04:20,443
And Melvin doesn't break the law?

60
00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:22,252
He's been assaulting me all night.

61
00:04:22,278 --> 00:04:24,164
He was so quick to drag me in here

62
00:04:24,190 --> 00:04:26,157
that he parked more than
18 inches from the curb.

63
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,851
But he doesn't get caught.

64
00:04:27,877 --> 00:04:31,787
I need to raise my baby with a criminal
who only goes to jail a little.

65
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,900
A father needs to be there to teach
his little girl how to fight

66
00:04:34,926 --> 00:04:38,852
or explain why their mother can't
get out of bed for a few days.

67
00:04:39,644 --> 00:04:41,204
Thanks, baby.

68
00:04:43,212 --> 00:04:45,071
What's wrong, buddy?
You didn't like that?

69
00:04:59,138 --> 00:05:00,858
There are four of us!

70
00:05:32,581 --> 00:05:39,229
www.subtitulamos.tv

71
00:05:40,201 --> 00:05:43,163
This not having a maid
shit is bullshit, Horace.

72
00:05:43,189 --> 00:05:45,721
Yesterday I was in Congress
voting on a stimulus bill.

73
00:05:45,747 --> 00:05:48,208
Today I'm chiseling skid marks!

74
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,894
We don't know how many people
Lucia has been around.

75
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,756
She goes to birthday parties in
the park, for Christ's sake.

76
00:05:54,782 --> 00:05:58,135
If she brings the COVID in
here, with my mesothelioma,

77
00:05:58,161 --> 00:05:59,459
I'll be dead in a week!

78
00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:03,047
I mean, what the hell have
you been eating, anyway?

79
00:06:03,073 --> 00:06:05,680
It's like you're shitting
out Sharpie marker!

80
00:06:05,706 --> 00:06:09,211
The medicine that I'm on
gives me dark stools.

81
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:11,288
Have you been watching that all night?

82
00:06:11,314 --> 00:06:13,669
This is the best reality
show I've ever seen.

83
00:06:13,695 --> 00:06:15,391
Hogan Knows Best is up there,

84
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:18,629
but this is pure, unfiltered reality.

85
00:06:18,655 --> 00:06:21,033
And I get to see everything,

86
00:06:21,059 --> 00:06:24,515
It's like I'm God, but without the
responsibility of making tornados

87
00:06:24,541 --> 00:06:27,028
and coming up with all those
different kinds of fishes.

88
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:30,182
Have you ever seen one of those
real-life movies about the ocean?

89
00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:32,984
There is some crazy shit in that water.

90
00:06:33,010 --> 00:06:34,556
I won't go in above my ankles.

91
00:06:34,582 --> 00:06:38,164
- Is, there gonna be breakfast?
- I haven't had time to make it yet.

92
00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:41,084
So is it okay if I fix a
little something to eat?

93
00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:42,168
Why wouldn't it be okay?

94
00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:43,862
I just didn't know if I
had kitchen privileges.

95
00:06:43,888 --> 00:06:47,372
It's not prison, Jack. You can pour yourself
a bowl of cereal without permission.

96
00:06:47,398 --> 00:06:49,930
Actually, I think Barb is the
only one who can authorize...

97
00:06:49,956 --> 00:06:51,829
You can use the kitchen, Cool Hand.

98
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,086
Thank you.

99
00:06:53,711 --> 00:06:54,957
Come here. Sit down.

100
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,501
This rich bitch has
no idea how to clean.

101
00:06:57,527 --> 00:07:00,671
- She just vacuumed the sink.
- Barb, none of that matters.

102
00:07:00,697 --> 00:07:04,477
Just write down when they come and go
so we know the best time to break in.

103
00:07:08,704 --> 00:07:09,997
Hello, Bar.

104
00:07:10,312 --> 00:07:12,523
- Nicaraguan lady.
- How did you know I was from...

105
00:07:12,549 --> 00:07:15,148
It's a gift. I can
detect all the flavors.

106
00:07:15,959 --> 00:07:19,367
So, are there any restrictions
on the... waffles?

107
00:07:19,687 --> 00:07:21,817
- Is this him?
- Yeah.

108
00:07:21,956 --> 00:07:23,543
What are you two doing together?

109
00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,571
Me and Chicken Little?
We've been chattin'.

110
00:07:25,597 --> 00:07:27,171
And he's been spillin' all the tea.

111
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:30,654
You guys knocking me out,
stealing my ATM card.

112
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:33,047
I'm sorry. He found my dick pic
at his house, he tied me up,

113
00:07:33,073 --> 00:07:35,187
and then he did love stuff with Wiggles.

114
00:07:42,103 --> 00:07:45,523
No offense, dude, but
shouldn't you have a mask on?

115
00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:47,483
None of you have masks on.

116
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,386
Well, we all live together, so...

117
00:07:49,412 --> 00:07:52,624
And I spit on Rooster three times last
night and tea-bagged his Fruit Loops,

118
00:07:52,650 --> 00:07:54,657
so I guess I'm officially
part of your bubble.

119
00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:56,918
So, I hear you're some kind
of criminal mastermind.

120
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:59,126
I'm not a criminal or a mastermind.

121
00:07:59,305 --> 00:08:01,009
Just learned a few things inside.

122
00:08:01,035 --> 00:08:03,480
He also tells me you
only rob bad people,

123
00:08:03,506 --> 00:08:07,170
which, as one of your victims,
I'm a little offended by.

124
00:08:07,196 --> 00:08:09,531
But since the only information you
know about me was given to you

125
00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:11,700
by this dipshit and his
foot-faced mother,

126
00:08:11,726 --> 00:08:13,436
I'll try not to take it personal.

127
00:08:13,462 --> 00:08:17,043
- What the hell does "foot-faced" mean?
- It means your face looks like a foot.

128
00:08:18,501 --> 00:08:19,933
I don't see it.

129
00:08:20,535 --> 00:08:22,595
That's a cute little jumper you got on.

130
00:08:22,628 --> 00:08:25,596
Look, man, I'm cool if you're gay, okay?
But just so you know,

131
00:08:25,622 --> 00:08:29,384
I'm a little dyslexic, so I struggle
with the whole BQLTG stuff.

132
00:08:29,410 --> 00:08:30,802
What do you want, Melvin?

133
00:08:30,828 --> 00:08:32,888
You want your money back?
Fine, we'll pay you back.

134
00:08:32,914 --> 00:08:35,015
Oh, no. I'm gonna take it out
of your cut from your next job.

135
00:08:35,041 --> 00:08:36,626
You guys work for me now.

136
00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:43,386
Or I could tell the po-po about these
juicy little robberies y'all been doin',

137
00:08:43,412 --> 00:08:45,230
and you all can go back to prison.

138
00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:50,246
So, we have a deal?

139
00:08:52,738 --> 00:08:55,452
Where's your bathroom? In my
rush to get here this morning,

140
00:08:55,478 --> 00:08:57,606
I think I put my drawers on backwards.

141
00:08:57,632 --> 00:08:59,019
Upstairs.

142
00:09:04,205 --> 00:09:05,660
Hey, way to go, Mac.

143
00:09:06,428 --> 00:09:09,441
Damn it. This is a knot.
Can you do this?

144
00:09:10,058 --> 00:09:11,712
I can't believe how stupid you were.

145
00:09:11,738 --> 00:09:13,804
Please. You knew exactly
how stupid he was.

146
00:09:13,830 --> 00:09:15,154
He messed up. Let it go.

147
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:17,114
How much does he know about
the congresswoman job?

148
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,949
Oh, shit. I totally forgot
about the congresswoman thing.

149
00:09:20,199 --> 00:09:22,484
I guess we should tell him so
he can clear his schedule.

150
00:09:22,518 --> 00:09:24,582
No, Rooster! We shouldn't!

151
00:09:25,621 --> 00:09:28,738
Look. No one mentions the congresswoman.

152
00:09:28,941 --> 00:09:30,933
In the meantime, we do
whatever Melvin says

153
00:09:30,959 --> 00:09:32,861
until we figure out how
to get him off our ass.

154
00:09:32,895 --> 00:09:35,048
All right, fellas, you comin' with me.

155
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:36,880
Mastermind, go wait out on the porch.

156
00:09:36,906 --> 00:09:39,855
But I haven't had my breakf...
Never mind.

157
00:09:40,988 --> 00:09:43,125
Rooster, you think you can keep
your thumbs out of your ass

158
00:09:43,151 --> 00:09:44,915
long enough to carry some stuff?

159
00:09:45,862 --> 00:09:47,795
Only did that one time.

160
00:09:47,949 --> 00:09:50,465
And ladies, not gonna need you on this,

161
00:09:50,491 --> 00:09:53,535
but maybe y'all could rustle up
something yummy for when we get back.

162
00:09:53,561 --> 00:09:55,897
Maybe some of those Nicaraguan donuts.

163
00:09:55,923 --> 00:09:58,629
Buñuelos de yuca.

164
00:10:00,493 --> 00:10:02,191
Hey, fellas, hold up.

165
00:10:02,448 --> 00:10:05,246
- We could kill him.
- Kill him?

166
00:10:05,475 --> 00:10:07,824
- I thought you were religious.
- I am.

167
00:10:08,142 --> 00:10:11,457
Read the Bible sometime. That
thing's wall-to-wall murder.

168
00:10:13,350 --> 00:10:15,811
You're just gonna keep
steppin' in shit, aren't ya?

169
00:10:20,130 --> 00:10:22,254
Rooster, you're driving.

170
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:31,285
Man. I haven't smoked in 26 years.

171
00:10:31,311 --> 00:10:33,021
Sounds like you're overdue.

172
00:10:44,470 --> 00:10:48,014
Scooch over a little bit. The
seatbelt's in my ass crack.

173
00:10:59,221 --> 00:11:01,870
I think this husband
might need new knees.

174
00:11:01,896 --> 00:11:04,642
He's been trying to stand
up for five minutes now.

175
00:11:05,542 --> 00:11:07,211
Oop, there he goes.

176
00:11:08,286 --> 00:11:10,298
Nope. Down again.

177
00:11:13,353 --> 00:11:16,369
I was with an older man once. Fourteen.

178
00:11:16,395 --> 00:11:17,728
I was thirteen.

179
00:11:18,293 --> 00:11:20,908
Prude didn't wanna do anything
more than kiss, though.

180
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:27,658
I was always mature for my age.

181
00:11:28,401 --> 00:11:31,237
First one in my Brownie
troop to get a pube.

182
00:11:34,064 --> 00:11:37,767
Of course, they don't give
you a badge for that.

183
00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:41,509
All right, come on!

184
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:43,495
I'm sittin' here trying
to make conversation,

185
00:11:43,521 --> 00:11:45,012
and I can't get a word out of you.

186
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,973
I'm trying to think of a way
to solve our Melvin problem.

187
00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:50,468
You can't think and be
friendly at the same time?

188
00:11:50,494 --> 00:11:53,422
- I didn't know this was a date.
- You're lucky it's not a date.

189
00:11:53,448 --> 00:11:57,030
By now I would have gone to the
bathroom, snuck out the window,

190
00:11:57,056 --> 00:12:00,049
and left you alone in a duckpin
bowling alley for five hours

191
00:12:00,075 --> 00:12:02,361
doing God knows what.

192
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,702
I actually did that to a guy,

193
00:12:04,728 --> 00:12:07,586
and I have no idea what
he did after I left.

194
00:12:07,612 --> 00:12:09,739
What exactly are you looking for here?

195
00:12:09,765 --> 00:12:13,685
'Cause I never compared pubes with
the girls in my Brownie troop, okay?

196
00:12:13,711 --> 00:12:15,209
That's not normal.

197
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,987
Human connection!

198
00:12:17,291 --> 00:12:20,994
I mean, with you living here, I thought
maybe finally I'd have a gal pal.

199
00:12:21,357 --> 00:12:24,439
But clearly you're not interested
in being pals with this gal.

200
00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:33,064
It's like when you're at the airport
and you forget to bring snacks.

201
00:12:33,090 --> 00:12:35,174
And now you gotta buy it from
a store in the terminal,

202
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,591
but they jack the shit up
like three times the price.

203
00:12:37,625 --> 00:12:40,142
That's when I realized that this
stuff that people really needed...

204
00:12:40,168 --> 00:12:42,736
- Someone just open a can of tennis balls?
- Nah, that's me.

205
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,515
If it's something people really
needed, like toilet paper,

206
00:12:45,541 --> 00:12:47,994
- I could charge them for it.
- Supply and demand.

207
00:12:48,377 --> 00:12:51,335
I like that. "Supplyin' the man,"

208
00:12:51,516 --> 00:12:53,999
'cause I'm supplyin' the man
with the things he needs.

209
00:12:54,025 --> 00:12:57,027
But women buy stuff, too, so
I don't know if that works.

210
00:12:57,053 --> 00:12:59,180
Hey, Rooster, you remember J.J.'s Wings?

211
00:12:59,206 --> 00:13:01,392
He was too stupid to
work the cash register,

212
00:13:01,418 --> 00:13:03,757
so they put him outside in a
chicken suit holding the sign.

213
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,286
- What'd it say?
- "Honk if you give a cluck."

214
00:13:06,314 --> 00:13:08,497
Well, I'm surprised he
didn't screw that up, too.

215
00:13:08,523 --> 00:13:09,524
Right?

216
00:13:09,853 --> 00:13:12,834
Did you hear that? Am I
thinking really loud?

217
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,486
I guess so, but you're right.

218
00:13:14,512 --> 00:13:17,502
This dude so dumb, he once stared at
an orange juice carton for 20 minutes

219
00:13:17,528 --> 00:13:19,299
because it said "concentrate."

220
00:13:19,325 --> 00:13:20,316
No, I didn't!

221
00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:23,619
He's so stupid, he thought Tupac
Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

222
00:13:24,653 --> 00:13:27,010
I know Tupac ain't no holiday!

223
00:13:27,036 --> 00:13:29,476
And stop laughing, man.
Handle your weed!

224
00:13:29,502 --> 00:13:31,716
I'm sorry. The guy's funny.

225
00:13:31,742 --> 00:13:33,496
Did you make up all these jokes, Melvin?

226
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:37,044
Nah, man. My uncle gave me an insult
joke book for my fifth birthday.

227
00:13:37,070 --> 00:13:38,777
I used to go ham on my grandma.

228
00:13:38,803 --> 00:13:41,106
And you still remember them
like twenty-some years later?

229
00:13:41,132 --> 00:13:44,216
- That's an impressive skill, Melvin.
- I guess I'm a good remembererer.

230
00:13:45,856 --> 00:13:48,578
- Wait. What was I sayin'?
- "Supplyin' the man."

231
00:13:48,604 --> 00:13:50,439
Yeah! Make a left.

232
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:53,390
When I see a need in the
marketplace, I fill it.

233
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:56,002
Lately, I've been hearing that
with people stuck at home,

234
00:13:56,028 --> 00:13:58,322
they've been pickin' up new hobbies.
Make a right.

235
00:13:58,348 --> 00:14:02,317
Makin' things with paint,
makin' bread with bread juice.

236
00:14:02,343 --> 00:14:04,794
Makin' songs with instruments.

237
00:14:05,708 --> 00:14:08,072
So, I went online, and sure enough,

238
00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:10,976
the prices for musical instruments
are through the roof!

239
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:12,630
That's when I realized

240
00:14:12,656 --> 00:14:16,201
I know an abandoned building in town
with a whole room full of instruments.

241
00:14:20,855 --> 00:14:22,520
You wanna rob a school?

242
00:14:22,854 --> 00:14:26,423
It's empty 'cause of COVID. All we gotta
do is park around back and pick one lock.

243
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,598
- They don't have cameras in that thing?
- Nah.

244
00:14:28,624 --> 00:14:31,037
And if you didn't get kicked out of
the ninth grade, you'd know that.

245
00:14:31,063 --> 00:14:32,856
I didn't get kicked out.

246
00:14:32,998 --> 00:14:35,083
All right? I got a B-on a science quiz.

247
00:14:35,109 --> 00:14:37,127
I decided to go out on top. My choice.

248
00:14:37,153 --> 00:14:38,920
I bet if we hurry, we could
get done in an hour.

249
00:14:38,946 --> 00:14:41,341
- Wait. You wanna do this right now?
- Yeah. Why not?

250
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,201
Because it's in the middle of the day...
and we're high.

251
00:14:44,227 --> 00:14:46,396
I'm not tryin' to go back to prison.

252
00:14:46,422 --> 00:14:49,113
Besides, I don't wanna rob a school.
Especially not this one.

253
00:14:49,139 --> 00:14:51,005
The principal seemed
like a really nice guy.

254
00:14:53,304 --> 00:14:55,442
I was here a few days ago
for a job interview.

255
00:14:55,468 --> 00:14:56,247
Why?

256
00:14:56,273 --> 00:14:58,982
Because I got a degree in prison,
and I was hoping that I...

257
00:14:59,008 --> 00:15:02,095
I don't... it doesn't matter. Can't you
think of someone else for us to rob?

258
00:15:02,121 --> 00:15:05,020
I told you, man. He only robs bad people.
It's annoying.

259
00:15:05,161 --> 00:15:08,317
It sounds to me like the principal was
an asshole. He didn't give you the job.

260
00:15:08,343 --> 00:15:11,161
Nah. It wasn't his fault. The
school system won't hire an ex-con.

261
00:15:11,187 --> 00:15:12,605
That's even worse!

262
00:15:12,631 --> 00:15:14,706
How do they expect you to make
something out of yourself

263
00:15:14,732 --> 00:15:16,541
if they're not willing
to give you a chance.

264
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:19,064
The whole point is to rehabilitate.

265
00:15:19,090 --> 00:15:22,669
Bullshit like that is the reason
this system is a revolving door.

266
00:15:23,211 --> 00:15:25,676
Yeah. You're right. That's actually...

267
00:15:25,702 --> 00:15:28,428
- That's actually really well-said, Melvin.
- Thanks.

268
00:15:28,454 --> 00:15:30,205
I am good with words.

269
00:15:30,231 --> 00:15:33,359
I should've been on that team that
challenges other schools to talk about shit.

270
00:15:33,385 --> 00:15:35,352
- Debate?
- Nah, I don't wanna debate it.

271
00:15:35,378 --> 00:15:37,013
I'm just saying I'm good at it.

272
00:15:37,039 --> 00:15:38,938
You don't have to feel bad
about stealing from them.

273
00:15:38,964 --> 00:15:40,623
They're treating you
like a criminal anyway.

274
00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:43,151
But you're probably right about
not doin' this during the day.

275
00:15:43,177 --> 00:15:45,081
We got a bit of time to kill.

276
00:15:45,263 --> 00:15:47,114
You boys like baseball?

277
00:15:52,692 --> 00:15:57,831
I'm sorry. You've been very nice letting
me stay here. I would love to...

278
00:15:58,470 --> 00:16:00,183
be your gal pal.

279
00:16:01,605 --> 00:16:03,924
Sit down. I'll make us some wine.

280
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:06,148
Did you say "make"?

281
00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:08,551
It's from a box, but I
like to doctor it up

282
00:16:08,577 --> 00:16:11,163
based on the time of day and season.

283
00:16:11,189 --> 00:16:14,760
So... let's start gal-palin'.

284
00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:16,812
Tell me how you ended up in jail.

285
00:16:16,838 --> 00:16:19,758
And take it way back. Pretend I'm Oprah.

286
00:16:20,549 --> 00:16:22,649
Fine. When I was little,

287
00:16:22,675 --> 00:16:25,678
I realized some people had a
lot more money than others.

288
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,237
Then, a few years later,

289
00:16:27,263 --> 00:16:30,683
when the cash from my fast-food
job wasn't adding up fast enough,

290
00:16:30,709 --> 00:16:32,992
I had this great idea on
how to make more money

291
00:16:33,018 --> 00:16:35,896
by hollowing out all my old books.

292
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:39,698
I listed them online as a great
place to hide your valuables.

293
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:42,674
Of course, anyone who bought one
would give me their address.

294
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:45,750
And that was the key to the whole
thing, because, after that,

295
00:16:45,776 --> 00:16:49,050
all I had to do was remember
where I sent what book,

296
00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:52,387
hide for a little while, and then
wait for the right time to sneak in.

297
00:16:52,413 --> 00:16:55,252
It was actually a pretty
clever first scam.

298
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,620
And when it worked, it felt amazing.

299
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:02,147
I went to college, but
I only took courses

300
00:17:02,173 --> 00:17:04,331
that helped me become
a better con woman.

301
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:07,674
Psychology, accounting, computers...

302
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:10,613
Eventually I dropped out,
hopped from city to city,

303
00:17:10,639 --> 00:17:13,767
making friends with rich people and
then disappearing with their money.

304
00:17:13,793 --> 00:17:15,331
That's amazing!

305
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:19,656
So, how does a partially
college-educated

306
00:17:19,682 --> 00:17:22,074
con artist eventually get caught?

307
00:17:22,930 --> 00:17:24,987
- Mayonnaise.
- Come again?

308
00:17:31,775 --> 00:17:34,569
I told the guy not to put
mayonnaise on my sub,

309
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,815
but when I took the first
bite, it was 75% mayonnaise.

310
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,893
And, to be fair, he started it.

311
00:17:41,446 --> 00:17:44,987
Anyway, one thing led to another.
Things got ugly.

312
00:17:47,948 --> 00:17:50,406
Yeah. The video went viral,

313
00:17:50,432 --> 00:17:52,799
and someone I scammed recognized me.

314
00:17:53,018 --> 00:17:54,635
I got six years...

315
00:17:55,090 --> 00:17:57,760
but only had to serve
three, thanks to COVID.

316
00:17:58,859 --> 00:18:03,260
I wouldn't have spent a day in jail if
it wasn't for this one stupid mistake.

317
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:08,776
We all make mistakes.

318
00:18:08,802 --> 00:18:15,284
And the internet is full of viral
videos that are way worse than yours.

319
00:18:26,249 --> 00:18:27,924
Barb, what is this?

320
00:18:40,489 --> 00:18:41,782
This is disgusting!

321
00:18:41,808 --> 00:18:44,167
Barb, Barb! Why would you show me this?!

322
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:49,311
That was you?

323
00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:52,557
The guy who lived there never
cleans up after his dog.

324
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:58,388
Now that I know the backstory,
that's kind of funny.

325
00:18:58,414 --> 00:19:00,249
- Wanna see it again?
- I do not.

326
00:19:00,815 --> 00:19:03,026
_

327
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,938
Yep. Right there is good.
You'll have a great view.

328
00:19:08,698 --> 00:19:11,346
Check it out! How cool is this?

329
00:19:11,372 --> 00:19:13,416
It's like a tissue forest.

330
00:19:13,502 --> 00:19:15,424
That's a lot of toilet paper, Melvin.

331
00:19:15,450 --> 00:19:17,112
Yeah. I recently doubled the prices.

332
00:19:17,138 --> 00:19:20,159
It take a little while for the
neighborhood to adjust to inflation.

333
00:19:20,185 --> 00:19:23,862
But there are two certainties in
life, Jack: death and shitting.

334
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,274
You're gonna love this game.

335
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:29,486
No spoilers, but in the sixth inning...

336
00:19:29,512 --> 00:19:32,667
You know what? Just watch it.
You're gonna love it.

337
00:19:38,295 --> 00:19:39,480
Yes!

338
00:19:48,503 --> 00:19:49,605
Shit!

339
00:19:49,774 --> 00:19:51,738
Come on, man!

340
00:19:54,699 --> 00:19:55,988
Hey, what's...

341
00:19:56,370 --> 00:19:58,031
what's goin' on with your boyfriend?

342
00:19:58,057 --> 00:20:00,757
He likes to pretend he's playing
again like when he was little.

343
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:04,287
It's fun. I tried one time with
my old gymnastics competitions,

344
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:07,816
but my dad only recorded the
other girls for some reason.

345
00:20:10,831 --> 00:20:13,630
- So, Melvin, that's you pitching?
- Yeah.

346
00:20:13,656 --> 00:20:16,242
All-state till I threw out
my shoulder in junior high.

347
00:20:16,268 --> 00:20:17,645
Throwing too hard?

348
00:20:17,671 --> 00:20:19,443
Nah, I just slept on it funny.

349
00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:21,620
I played some ball when I was younger.

350
00:20:21,761 --> 00:20:23,746
This is a really cool idea, Melvin.

351
00:20:23,772 --> 00:20:26,300
Thanks. Take third base.

352
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,227
- Really?
- Yeah.

353
00:20:28,253 --> 00:20:30,088
You look like you can
handle the high corner.

354
00:20:30,114 --> 00:20:32,206
I got an extra glove in my room.

355
00:20:43,277 --> 00:20:45,536
- Can I play?
- No. You're too short.

356
00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:47,622
Taller than the kid playin' second.

357
00:20:47,648 --> 00:20:50,849
Probably would've jumped up
and caught that last one.

358
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:52,853
I said no. Just sit in the stands.

359
00:20:52,879 --> 00:20:54,769
You can try to get an autograph later.

360
00:20:54,948 --> 00:20:57,035
Look alive. This one is comin' to you.

361
00:21:04,652 --> 00:21:07,464
Nice snag! And you throw
a rope to first base!

362
00:21:07,490 --> 00:21:09,855
Thanks, Melvin. I feel
like I would have.

363
00:21:10,316 --> 00:21:12,105
You throw like a girl.

364
00:21:15,449 --> 00:21:16,800
Foul ball!

365
00:21:18,355 --> 00:21:20,714
You gotta keep your eyes peeled, man.

366
00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:22,235
I don't need this shit.

367
00:21:22,261 --> 00:21:24,784
Y'all just keep laughin' at me, callin'
me dumb, and won't let me play.

368
00:21:24,810 --> 00:21:26,714
And now I got nacho cheese on me!

369
00:21:26,740 --> 00:21:29,622
I'm gonna be hot and wet for a while,
and then I'm gonna be cold and soggy.

370
00:21:29,648 --> 00:21:31,390
And then after that, I'm
gonna be all crusty!

371
00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:33,871
- You can go to hell.
- Well. You know what? Good.

372
00:21:33,897 --> 00:21:36,337
You'd probably end up leaving a
picture of your dick laying around

373
00:21:36,363 --> 00:21:38,188
for the cops to find anyway.

374
00:21:38,214 --> 00:21:39,496
No doubt.

375
00:21:40,023 --> 00:21:42,183
All right, we're up. You lead off.

376
00:22:01,631 --> 00:22:03,084
Somethin' funny?

377
00:22:06,117 --> 00:22:07,368
Hello, Stan.

378
00:22:07,394 --> 00:22:10,053
Just bringin' dinner to Mama.
Pot stickers.

379
00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:11,847
It's killing her she
can't get down to Wang's

380
00:22:11,873 --> 00:22:13,807
and get 'em hot and crispy
right out of the fryer.

381
00:22:13,833 --> 00:22:15,921
But COVID, right? What are you gonna do?

382
00:22:15,947 --> 00:22:18,608
- You good?
- Peachy.

383
00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:24,814
Shouldn't you get those stickers to
mom while they're still warm-ish.

384
00:22:25,712 --> 00:22:28,431
Yeah. Yeah, good idea.

385
00:22:31,916 --> 00:22:33,923
- Who was that?
- Stan.

386
00:22:33,964 --> 00:22:35,746
He grew up next door.

387
00:22:35,772 --> 00:22:37,815
When we were little, we used to play

388
00:22:37,841 --> 00:22:39,671
"Show me yours; I'll show you mine."

389
00:22:39,697 --> 00:22:42,419
He liked mine a lot
more than I liked his.

390
00:22:42,445 --> 00:22:45,839
Then, in high school, I
discovered strawberry wine.

391
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,591
Made the mistake of sleeping with him.

392
00:22:47,617 --> 00:22:49,397
Then again before I got married.

393
00:22:49,423 --> 00:22:51,452
Then twice after my husband died.

394
00:22:51,478 --> 00:22:53,486
Now he won't leave me alone.

395
00:22:54,354 --> 00:22:57,103
- He likes you. That's nice.
- Nice?

396
00:22:58,477 --> 00:22:59,908
No thank you.

397
00:23:00,423 --> 00:23:03,205
Mama needs a little
excitement in the sack.

398
00:23:03,286 --> 00:23:06,470
Speaking of that, what's
goin' on with you and Jack?

399
00:23:06,736 --> 00:23:09,514
Rooster told me you guys
had a thing in prison.

400
00:23:09,540 --> 00:23:13,252
Well, we just used to talk to each
other through the toilet. That's all.

401
00:23:13,278 --> 00:23:16,002
And turns out, he was lying
the whole time, so...

402
00:23:16,062 --> 00:23:18,937
So? So what? Men lie all the time.

403
00:23:18,963 --> 00:23:22,259
Stan already got his mother
pot stickers an hour ago.

404
00:23:22,285 --> 00:23:24,244
I saw them through the kitchen window.

405
00:23:24,302 --> 00:23:25,952
Why are you back?

406
00:23:25,978 --> 00:23:28,616
Because the first time I came
by, Barb wasn't on her porch.

407
00:23:28,642 --> 00:23:30,311
Just put them in the freezer.

408
00:23:30,451 --> 00:23:33,671
All I'm saying is you've been
locked up for three years.

409
00:23:33,697 --> 00:23:36,002
I know you're itchin' to get laid.

410
00:23:36,028 --> 00:23:38,459
Maybe it's time to scratch that itch.

411
00:23:38,485 --> 00:23:41,529
Look, if I thought it could just
be sex, I might treat myself.

412
00:23:41,555 --> 00:23:43,861
But you think we're desperate?

413
00:23:43,927 --> 00:23:46,340
Jack's been locked up for 26 years.

414
00:23:46,431 --> 00:23:49,069
The other day, our knees touched,
and I thought he was gonna explode.

415
00:23:49,095 --> 00:23:51,556
Trust me. If I feed him, you're
not gonna be the only one

416
00:23:51,582 --> 00:23:53,740
having a stray cat following you around.

417
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:55,478
That reminds me.

418
00:23:55,588 --> 00:23:58,760
Halloween 2012. I went as Catwoman.

419
00:23:59,039 --> 00:24:01,564
Slept with Stan that night, too.

420
00:24:02,463 --> 00:24:04,446
Mom wants dessert, so don't be surprised

421
00:24:04,472 --> 00:24:06,369
if you see me again in a few minutes.

422
00:24:08,494 --> 00:24:10,199
It takes a special type of man

423
00:24:10,225 --> 00:24:12,977
to make me dislike my own damn porch.

424
00:24:16,426 --> 00:24:20,392
Hey, Melvin, I dropped that wooden
flute back there. Would you grab it?

425
00:24:21,002 --> 00:24:23,557
Hey, what's the deal with
that hot chick in y'all crew?

426
00:24:23,583 --> 00:24:25,166
You tappin' that shit?

427
00:24:25,878 --> 00:24:27,111
Gloria?

428
00:24:27,189 --> 00:24:29,658
No, we have not... tapped.

429
00:24:29,684 --> 00:24:31,853
We talked some in prison, but...

430
00:24:32,369 --> 00:24:35,183
Since we've been out, I'm kinda realizing
that she's a little out of my league.

431
00:24:35,209 --> 00:24:37,994
Any man can get any woman if
he pushes the right buttons.

432
00:24:43,316 --> 00:24:46,777
What exactly did you mean when you said,
"push the right buttons," Melvin?

433
00:24:47,541 --> 00:24:50,656
Shit. Lookin' to get a little
schoolin' from the master?

434
00:24:50,682 --> 00:24:54,102
Well, yeah. I don't know.
Yeah. I mean maybe.

435
00:24:54,133 --> 00:24:57,244
Wiggles is really cute.
I'm impressed, Melvin.

436
00:24:57,553 --> 00:25:01,947
And I'd love to know how you managed
to persuade her to be... tapped.

437
00:25:02,358 --> 00:25:03,986
Human psychology.

438
00:25:04,705 --> 00:25:07,330
When Wiggles was a kid, she didn't
have much physical affection.

439
00:25:07,356 --> 00:25:09,008
So, I got her one of
those heavy blankets

440
00:25:09,034 --> 00:25:11,120
so every night she feels
like she's being snuggled.

441
00:25:11,146 --> 00:25:13,649
Plus, she can't get from
up under it without me,

442
00:25:13,675 --> 00:25:16,267
so every morning I'm a hero.

443
00:25:16,293 --> 00:25:19,127
- That's really smart, Melvin.
- I know, right?

444
00:25:23,321 --> 00:25:24,626
Shit!

445
00:25:33,784 --> 00:25:37,078
- This is Rooster's dinky-ass knife!
- Son of a bitch!

446
00:25:37,104 --> 00:25:39,747
Must've followed us to the school
and done this while we was inside.

447
00:25:39,773 --> 00:25:41,370
Why would he leave his
knife in the tire, though?

448
00:25:41,396 --> 00:25:43,602
He's gotta know we're gonna
beat the shit out of him.

449
00:25:44,777 --> 00:25:46,447
Not if we in jail!

450
00:25:46,549 --> 00:25:47,563
- No.
- Shit, man!

451
00:25:47,588 --> 00:25:49,284
He set us up and wanted us to know it!

452
00:25:49,310 --> 00:25:51,342
No, no, no, no, no. This
can't be happening!

453
00:25:51,368 --> 00:25:54,330
I can't go back! I didn't
even wanna do this, man!

454
00:25:54,356 --> 00:25:56,847
I did 26 years! I'm
not supposed to go...

455
00:25:56,873 --> 00:25:58,502
- I can't do this!
- Just go.

456
00:25:58,528 --> 00:25:59,654
What?

457
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,737
Even if I ran, they're gonna
trace this truck back to me.

458
00:26:02,763 --> 00:26:05,549
You can get away. Ain't no need
for us both to get pinched.

459
00:26:06,164 --> 00:26:07,582
Are you for real?

460
00:26:07,642 --> 00:26:08,685
Yeah.

461
00:26:09,253 --> 00:26:11,056
You're a good dude, man.

462
00:26:11,221 --> 00:26:13,323
And a solid third baseman.

463
00:26:13,870 --> 00:26:16,867
Just promise me when you see Rooster,
you beat the shit out of him.

464
00:26:16,892 --> 00:26:17,945
Not a problem.

465
00:26:17,971 --> 00:26:20,258
- Melvin, I don't know how to thank you.
- Just go!

466
00:26:27,639 --> 00:26:31,021
All right, calm down. Nothing
here but some stolen instruments

467
00:26:31,047 --> 00:26:33,498
and a very relaxed brother on weed.

468
00:26:39,482 --> 00:26:40,683
Hey. Did it work?

469
00:26:40,709 --> 00:26:42,492
- Like a charm.
- Did what work?

470
00:26:42,518 --> 00:26:44,520
Rooster said you were robbing
the school with Melvin.

471
00:26:44,546 --> 00:26:47,451
- You didn't tell her?
- Nah. I was afraid she'd stop making donuts.

472
00:26:47,533 --> 00:26:49,006
What's going on?

473
00:26:50,231 --> 00:26:53,981
Well, I told you I used to
read a lot in prison, right?

474
00:26:54,538 --> 00:26:56,784
_

475
00:26:56,810 --> 00:27:00,053
A few years ago, I read a book
by a guy named Dale Carnegie.

476
00:27:00,161 --> 00:27:02,663
I thought it might help me make
friends after I got released.

477
00:27:03,210 --> 00:27:06,740
In it he breaks down the basic principles
of getting someone to like you.

478
00:27:07,006 --> 00:27:09,670
First, use the person's name a lot,

479
00:27:09,696 --> 00:27:11,589
because the person's
name, to that person,

480
00:27:11,615 --> 00:27:13,475
is the most beautiful
word in any language.

481
00:27:13,507 --> 00:27:16,209
Melvin, Melvin, Melvin...

482
00:27:16,234 --> 00:27:18,945
Melvin, Melvin, Melvin...

483
00:27:18,971 --> 00:27:22,475
Secondly, ask people about
themselves and pretend to care.

484
00:27:22,501 --> 00:27:24,670
So, Melvin, that's you pitching?

485
00:27:24,711 --> 00:27:27,328
Wiggles is really cute.
I'm impressed, Melvin.

486
00:27:27,354 --> 00:27:30,941
And I'd love to know how you managed
to persuade her to be... tapped.

487
00:27:30,967 --> 00:27:33,301
Third, make other people feel important.

488
00:27:33,327 --> 00:27:35,654
Yeah. You're right. That's actually...

489
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:38,606
- That's actually really well-said, Melvin.
- Thanks.

490
00:27:38,632 --> 00:27:40,951
And you still remember them
like twenty-some years later?

491
00:27:40,977 --> 00:27:42,520
Guess I'm a good remembererer.

492
00:27:42,546 --> 00:27:44,371
Lastly, smile.

493
00:27:47,333 --> 00:27:50,512
Before I knew it, Melvin started
to see me as a team mate.

494
00:27:50,538 --> 00:27:53,481
But then I needed to let my
real team mate in on the plan.

495
00:27:55,723 --> 00:27:58,552
That's genius! I thought
you were losin' your mind.

496
00:27:58,578 --> 00:28:01,153
Hopefully it all works out.
Give me your knife.

497
00:28:01,832 --> 00:28:04,141
We just have to figure out a way
for you to get pissed off enough

498
00:28:04,167 --> 00:28:05,520
to storm out of here.

499
00:28:09,404 --> 00:28:11,072
I think I have an idea.

500
00:28:11,145 --> 00:28:12,645
Foul ball!

501
00:28:16,174 --> 00:28:19,106
Hey, Melvin, I dropped that wooden
flute back there. Would you grab it?

502
00:28:19,402 --> 00:28:22,112
Hey, what's the deal with
that hot chick in y'all crew?

503
00:28:22,138 --> 00:28:23,738
You tappin' that shit?

504
00:28:25,311 --> 00:28:26,606
Gloria?

505
00:28:26,684 --> 00:28:28,699
No, we have not... tapped.

506
00:28:28,725 --> 00:28:31,363
When did Jack say he and
Melvin would be back?

507
00:28:32,374 --> 00:28:34,856
Shouldn't be too much longer.

508
00:28:41,532 --> 00:28:44,371
Hi. Yes. I'd like to report
a break-in at the school.

509
00:28:44,397 --> 00:28:47,098
I saw a dark blue truck driving
north on Center Street.

510
00:28:47,799 --> 00:28:49,885
And when the cops were on their way,

511
00:28:49,937 --> 00:28:52,496
Melvin actually volunteered
to take the hit.

512
00:28:53,292 --> 00:28:56,503
See? Y'all were mad at me, but...

513
00:28:56,673 --> 00:28:58,957
everything worked out just fine.

514
00:29:01,856 --> 00:29:04,535
Melvin also made me promise to
beat the shit out of Rooster.

515
00:29:04,561 --> 00:29:05,813
Maybe you should.

516
00:29:05,839 --> 00:29:09,207
We wouldn't be in this mess if he
didn't screw up in the first place.

517
00:29:10,233 --> 00:29:11,693
Are those jelly beans?

518
00:29:11,719 --> 00:29:13,512
Yep. It's Easter dessert wine.

519
00:29:13,538 --> 00:29:15,754
My new gal pal made it for me.

520
00:29:21,623 --> 00:29:23,770
- That's not bad!
- I know!

521
00:29:29,836 --> 00:29:32,736
Hey. Put your shoes on. I
wanna show you something.

522
00:29:52,060 --> 00:29:53,333
Come on.

523
00:29:53,984 --> 00:29:55,216
Where are we goin'?

524
00:29:55,242 --> 00:29:57,200
You seem a little down on yourself.

525
00:29:57,348 --> 00:29:59,426
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

526
00:29:59,652 --> 00:30:01,989
Something I do when I
need a little pick-me-up.

527
00:30:29,614 --> 00:30:30,855
Nice.

528
00:30:39,383 --> 00:30:40,675
Thank you!

529
00:30:41,101 --> 00:30:42,394
You're welcome!

530
00:30:42,914 --> 00:30:44,689
Feels good, right?

531
00:30:51,660 --> 00:30:53,755
I... quit!

532
00:30:54,332 --> 00:30:57,038
I have loaded that dishwasher
for the last time.

533
00:30:57,064 --> 00:30:59,583
We are going to the
beach house Thursday.

534
00:30:59,609 --> 00:31:01,694
Friday, Lucia is coming.

535
00:31:01,806 --> 00:31:05,122
And the house can air out all
weekend while no one's here.

536
00:31:05,371 --> 00:31:06,539
I'm done!

537
00:31:06,834 --> 00:31:08,598
They're going away for the weekend.

538
00:31:09,785 --> 00:31:11,954
They're going away for the weekend!

539
00:31:12,013 --> 00:31:14,140
We're gonna be rich!

540
00:31:16,247 --> 00:31:23,794
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